Goddammit

One dollar for 4 meals? REALLY? What kind of crap are we feeding to the poor that can be bought for 25 cents per meal? Can the wealthiest nation in the world not do better?

Yes, I understand the whole deal of that money mostly being spent on the administering of donated food, but that still doesn't change the fact that this country can afford to treat people better.  Maybe we can give less donated food (99% of which is expired food, or highly processed and unhealthy food - just how much mac and cheese is healthy for a person to eat?), and instead we can buy and distribute better, and fresher food to our nation's poor and homeless.

An Update

I've been in this shelter/program for a week and a half now, and things have noticeably improved for me in this time.  This is significant because I am highly critical of "programs" for the homeless, but is one is different in that it actually works, and it works mainly because it avoids the mistakes that other homeless programs make - and of course they are avoiding those mistakes by actually paying attention to the needs of the homeless.  The biggest mistake that an organization can make, and that most organizations are guilty of, is thinking in terms of what they want to give to the homeless, and not considering what the homeless actually need.  Of course this requires that people in the organization actually understand homeless people and their needs.   I am always struck by those who have worked with the homeless for many years and yet they still have no clue about homelessness.

But because this program makes sense, and that the case managers are attentive and considerate, and that they have a truly workable game plan, I'm going to stick with it and see where it gets me.  If all goes well, I should be in a home of my own by Thanksgiving.

My health continues to improve, but I must tell you that I was somewhat glad, at the time, that thing were heading south.  I wanted relief from this perpetual homelessness and death was as good an option as any other.  Actually it seemed like the only option.  In the past I tried killing myself, but I couldn't go through with it.  Death is scary.  and it's not like I decided I wanted to live after all, it's only that I couldn't bring myself to commit suicide.  So becoming deathly ill was the next best thing.  A blood clot to my brain or heart would have been perfect.  Now here I am, in a better mindset and feeling hopeful.  ("hopeful" is not the same as "full of hope")  I still don't know what I'll do with myself once I get a place of my own, I might become depressed all over again, though I doubt it considering I'll actually have a place in San Diego.

Feeling Better

The doctor had me sit up on the examination table, and then asked me to lift my leg up on the pull out table extension.  He put his hand under my calf to help.  As soon as he touched it he said, "Whoa!"  I took that as a sign that this 60 year old doctor had never seen a leg so swollen.  Both of my legs were the same.   One of the prescriptions he gave me was to help reduce the swelling, and after 4 days it's come down a lot.  Still there are issues with my legs, some swelling and stiffness.  They are still red and radiate heat, and they are still weak.  I can't walk very far yet.   I think it has helped that I'm now able to lie down at times during the day, as well as sleeping at night..

I am also taking meds for high blood pressure, although my bp isn't really high.  It's just constantly at an elevated rate 155/110.  Thing is, it's been that way for decades, and doesn't seem to hinder my activities.  Regardless, that med as me slowed down a little.

I'll be getting some anti depression/anxiety medication soon too.  And I'll be meeting with the head of the psych dept for an evaluation soon as well, so to start up therapy again.   Abungalow on the beach would probably be enough therapy for me :) .

The end goal of this program I am now is in to get me into permanent housing of some kind.  That would be nice.

Medical Me

One of the many requirements for getting a bed at the shelter is a TB test. Well, one thing led to another this morning at the clinic and I've had blood work done, and I'm now on a high blood pressure medication and a diuretic to hopefully reduce the swelling in my legs. This afternoon I will also get a chest Xray. California's state medical insurance is a million times better than Tennessee's, which is nearly none existent. That's probably the best reason for me to stay here in San Diego for a while.

I Am In

When I arrived at the shelter for my one night stay on a cot, I was informed that a bed had become available and I was assigned to a permanent program bed.  I'll be able to stay in this program for up to 90 days.   There are many services available here that might help me find a permanent place to live.

Reaching The Bottom

Despite the respite I had last week, after three days back on the streets I was feeling as miserable as ever, and having a very hard time staying awake.  I can now estimate how long I sleep while in McDonalds by the amount of drool I find on my t-shirt when I wake up.   After all this time of waiting for an outreach social worker to find me on the street, I went looking for one myself.   Found Kelly McKnight who is "the" homeless outreach worker for San Diego.  I talked with her and some people from PATH.  They will allow me to have a cot in their facility tonight,  and will try to get me a permanent spot in their 3 month program.

It is interesting how different people have different thresholds for the difficulties of living on the streets.  Mine is pretty low compared to some others.  How some people can go for years on the streets without ever requesting the relief of shelter is beyond me.  They are the true survivors - although, they'd be better off not surviving without help so much.  God bless em.

A Monumental Achievement For Homeless People in Nashville

Making use of crowd sourcing, a church minister was able to raise over 50,000 dollars for the creation of a micro home village for the homeless.  Read about it at  http://www.gofundme.com/HomelessVillage

Two Days

I'm just finishing up two days of peace and quiet, privacy and sleep.  thank you Kathy.  The timing couldn't have been better as I developed a bit of a stomach bug yesterday, which would have been hell to live with on the street.  Feeling better this morning.

Asleep

At the end of my rope, a good friend has put me up in a hotel for the next two nights.  I'll be back in a couple days.

How Homeless

Some people think that you can motivate homeless people to become regular citizens by punishing them.   But that just doesn't work.  There's nothing you can do to a homeless person that's worse than being homeless - certainly not jail.  Jail is a step up from homelessness.

Homeless people are suffering, that's because homelessness is an illness Punishment has no healing properties.  Punishing homeless people only makes people move to other areas, which is what most complainers about homelessness want.  They don't really care about ending homelessness, they just don't want homeless people near  them.What kind of sick and twisted people do you have to be to purposely make people suffer? Do we punish people for getting cancer?  No!  We actually move mountains for cancer patients so to make them as comfortable as possible. As much as possible we carry their burdens for them.  It only makes sense that we do the same for the homeless.

Every newly homeless person struggles against homelessness, and it is only after much futile struggling that they may eventually lose the desire to be a part of the larger society.  Is it any wonder, considering how society treats them?  But it is necessary for a homeless person to have that desire, if they are every going to overcome their homelessness.  So, society must reinstall that desire back into those homeless people.

Homeless people need to feel welcomed, and that they have a place in society where they are accepted for the people they are.   I'm not saying that society has to accept the bad behavior that some homeless poeple engage in.  Actually, real acceptance will motivate homeless people to behave better in society.

So, what kind of things can we do to help the homeless feel accepted, so that they rejoin society?  One thing that has worked really well is employment through selling homeless/street newspapers.  check out what happened in Nashville with The Contributor.   Or, do you operate a pet rescue?  Allow some homeless people to volunteer to do rescue work.  These days, pet programs are even being used in prisons to help reform prisoners.  Whatever it is that you do, that adds quality to your life, see if there isn't a way that homeless people can be included.

Sleeping In Public Is Legal

The United States Supreme Court declared recently that laws banning the homeless from sleeping in public areas, when there is no 0ther place available to them for sleeping, amounts to cruel and unusual punishment - a violation of the 8th Amendment.

Of course this does not mean that homeless people can now sleep outside without being harassed by local police.  It will take time for this opinion to filter its way down to the local level.  It will require the homeless to fight any tickets and arrests they receive for sleeping.and then bringing this SCOTUS opinion to the attention of the attending judge.   But the homeless would most certrainly win their cases.   But beware,  you must also prove that the city you are in does not have enough shelter beds available for all the homeless residing there.

http://www.sandiegouniontribune.com/news/2015/aug/14/will-idaho-homeless-case-impact-san-diego/

http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonkblog/wp/2015/08/13/its-unconstitutional-to-ban-the-homeless-from-sleeping-outside-the-federal-government-says/

No Sleep Zone

I have gone long periods without sleep before, and with my apnea my body is fairly accustom to not getting sleep, or at least good sleep, for long periods of time.  Well, it's now Sunday afternoon and I haven't slept since I woke up Tuesday morning.  I don't even feel sleepy.  Sure, a few times I have  nodded off  while doing something like writing a blog post, but I always wake back up again just a few minutes later.   Given that my body is in "stay awake" mode, whenever I finally find myself in a place to get sleep, I probably won't be able to.

Like today, I knew it would be a long shot, but I went to the beach with my tent.  There were many other tents along the beach.  I set mine up and crawled inside, and although a bit warm, I figured it would be conducive to sleep, but I lied there for an hour without a single sleepy feeling.  After this first hour passed, I then opened the front flap to let a breeze come through.  And a few minutes later, the cops arrived on ATVs.  They told me that tents wee not allowed at the beach.  (oh what a long way we've come from the days where people could actually drive trailers onto the beach sand.)

Well, as I was taking my tent down a fellow homeless traveler came up and asked me what happened.  He told me that earlier today, at about 5:30 am, some friends had received tickets for sleeping on the beach.

Only the homeless could have such evil intent as to want to sleep on the beach, eh?

For about 65 dollars you could get me into the cheapest hotel in downtown for the night..  IM me for details about that.

Oh, one thing I did get today was a good sunburn.

Finding Truth

A few days ago I wrote something about truth. I thought I'd mention something about finding truth.  Some people say it's impossible to find, but I disagree.  I do admit though, that discovering truth can be difficult if you are not practiced in doing so.

 Describing how to find truth is easy, doing it may not be.   Of course, like anything, it gets easier the more you do it.

Your personal desires are the main obstacles in seeing the truth of things.  Rid yourself of your desires and the truth becomes clear.   Some personal desires are easy to find, others not so much.  But, all desires manifest themselves as agenda.   Determine your "agendas" and they will point you to your desires.  Then let them go.   Yes, that's the hard part.  We carry with us all sorts of political, religious and philosophical agendas.  Giving up your religious beliefs, or your political beliefs can seem impossible, but that's not really true.  It is because we attach our self identities to our beliefs, one must actually let go of what we think about our selves first.  And that's really hard for the ego to do.  But with practice it can be done.

At first it may seem like you are having to deny all that you hold dear, but at first that's not necessary.  All you have to do is allow yourself to see that believing in the opposite of your agenda is just as valid as the belief in your agenda.  If you are a liberal, you have to allow yourself to see the virtue in being conservative and vice versa.   Just know that if you are unable to do so, it's not because you can't, but because you don't want to, and so it is only yourself that is preventing you from see truth.

If you keep at it, eventually see yourself free from politics and religion, and all the other desires of mundane life, and the truth will shine through.

....did I just confuse you?

Christmas In Rochester

So, Rochester had a large tent city.  This past Christmas, the city passed out hotel vouchers to many living in the homeless tent city, so to spend the Holidays off the streets.  When most of the homeless were away from their tents, the mayor sent in bulldozers and leveled the camp, all without warning. 

If this doesn't remind us of Jesus's commandment to treat homeless people like shit, then nothing does.  video clearly shows homeless people's possessions being destroyed, all while a city official is saying that their belongings are being saved so to be claimed at a later date.  It's so sad that this did not gain more media attention when it happened.

Still Havent Slept

Going on about 80 hours without sleep now.  Legs are now more swollen than ever - lack energy.  Maybe I'll be dead soon.   Now that would be a relief. 

Couple Nights Again

I wrote this the first night without sleep:  I'm now two and a half days without sleep.

Screwed Anew

Street Life Rule  # 324 – Never Argue With Crazy People

An                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     d when I say “crazy” I’m talking about the full blow hallucinating and fixated schizophrenic type.

It’s like trying to have a discussion with a drunk – no good will ever come of it.  It’s best to avoid them.

You might think he’s looking at you and talking to you, but in his mind, he does not see you, and is not really talking to you.  He sees and is talking to his hallucination, of which you are only the anchor. At this point he has mixed his hallucination with reality, and there is no rationalizing or reasoning with him.  He doesn’t really see you or even hear you, he only sees and hears his hallucination.  There’s a good chance  he sees you as a threat. and  If he gets himself worked up enough, he will react to thta threat he perceives within you.  Of course, most of the time, if you just ignore him,, his fixation on you will dissipate and his hallucination will transform to another subject, , much like the subject matter of dreams shifting from one random thing to the next. Sometimes that doesn’t happen and you should be prepared for it.

At the corner of 9th and C St, where, for the past several months i had been setting up my tent. By no means was this location ideal, but it was better than any other place I had tried.  One of my neighbors who sleeps in the unused side doorway of the YWCA, is one such schizophrenic – prone to having screaming fits in the middle of the night, sometimes changing his voice to that of a female who screams rape.  All of that doesn’t bother me, but lately he has become more fixated on me personally.   He’s been making random comments about me and my tent.  He has become increasingly irritated with me camping at that location.

Last night, as I neared my camping spot, I noticed his silloette as he walked across the street to the side I was on.  That was the first time I’d seen him move from the spot where he sleeps – not a good sign.  I could also hear him slapping his hands together.  It was not the sound of clapping but more of the motion a person makes as they are threatening to punch someone.  Once on my side of the street, he hide between cars in a parking lot, and after I passed by he reemerged and began stalking me from behind.  Each time that I looked back at him, he was a bit closer. Never saying anything, he kept slapping his hands together.

When I got to the spot where I set up the tent I looked over to see he was still eyeballing me, now from just across the street.  This was not a time for any cordialities.   I needed to leave and quickly.  I took the scissors from my pocket and kept them in my hand as I continued to walk away, pushing my cart along as I went.  The slapping noise stopped when I was a block away.  Still I kept walking.  The only though I had at that moment was, “where am I going to set up camp and sleep now?”

Eventually I made it to the 24 hour restroom facilities at the civic center and took a piss.  It was about 12:30am.   This area is popular with many homeless because of the restrooms there - a number of homeless people hang out around there, the majority of which are mentally ill, and hearing voices types.  They pace all night long on the sidewalk.  Sleep is not easy for them to achieve either.   I noticed that there seemed to be more people here than usual.  Then I remember that someone recently asked me about the homeless population downtown, if I’d notice any increase.  I hadn’t really paid all that much attention before, but from what I had seen recently, I’d say there was definitely an increase in the population, but by how much I could not say.

A Couple Observations.  There are a lot more seriously mentally ill people living on the streets in San Diego than Nashville, though pretty much on par with Las Vegas.  Also the turn around rate for the homeless in San Diego is much higher.   In Nashville you get to know the homeless for a while first, before they start disappearing.  In San Diego, every night is a brand new batch of crazy homeless people.  Where they go after their first night I don’t know, but I rarely see them a second time.

What Is Truth

A friend on facebook made the statement that True Freedom is a myth.

I replied: I think you have the wording mixed up a little. I believe that freedom is found in truth. There's even a quote somewhere in the bible that declares the truth will set you free. 

Only remember that "truth" is singular, it's many "variations" are misthruths

As you work to improve the accuracy of your perspective of life, the more truth you will become aware of, and the freeer you will become. It is not that true freedom is a myth but that it is impossible for humans to achieve perfect truth - much in the same way that the speed of light is impossible to achieve - we can always get a little closer to it.  

Using the "light is truth" metaphor, remember that there is light all around us, we even reflect light our selves. Truth resides within the light. Improve your focus on truth and you will become happy.

Financials

I will be completely out of money by tomorrow afternoon. - no more money for food or anything.

Sleepless

54 hours without sleep so far.

Calling It Quits and Sending The Rescue Flair

There comes a time during a project or venture, when you make all the assessments and determine that you can no longer go forward.   If I was rowing a boat across the Pacific, this is when I would radio in to be rescued.   I have not been able to achieve the goals i set for myself, which included becoming sustainable in some way out here.  I am exhausted and can go no farther.  Yes, it's a failure of sorts. Big deal, just add it to the pile of all my other failures.  I'm not bothered by that.   Regardless I've learned a lot being out here.  I've clocked more street homelessness than ever, and have seen big city homelessness up close and very personal.  San Diego is beautiful and worth what people pay to live out here.  It's a price tag that my SSI just cannot handle.  I will admit too that some things that have hindered me from making a go of it are my own issues.  Not only is housing expensive here, property managers are very strict, and things like having a past eviction become problematic.

I need help getting to some place off the street where I can  recouperate and rest up and fix my health problems. At the very least I need access to shelter on a daily basis, that isn't time limited or lottery based.  Nashville is the only place I know with a shelter like that.  That's the bare minimum.  What I really need is an apartment or at least a room that I could afford on my SSI.

If you can help me in this regard please contact me as soon as possible.  My row boat is sinking.