After running this site for seven years and considering changes in my life, I’m at a point where continuing to run this site is not something I want to keep doing.
The site will remain online at least until the end of 2015. Between now and then, circumstances might change and I may resume answering questions, but for now, I plan to take, at a minimum, a long leave of absence.
VictorM
I’ll be doing some more traveling over the next couple of weeks. I’ve closed the Ask Question form and will reopen it around mid-March.
Hi “stranger” :)
If he complained about chest pains you’d not hesitate to suggest he see a doctor. The same applies to emotional/mental issues. You must encourage him to seek help. Just don’t use the terms “psychiatrist” or “therapist.” Just say he needs to see a “professional.”
Lots of reasons can cause “failure to launch,” almost none of them having to do with you. Guys don’t need to be attracted to a woman to get aroused and they certainly won’t notice 10 extra pounds. Any kind of touching will do the trick, however, many things can distract him, including physical pain or stress. Just ignore the event, especially if it happens rarely.
He could be warming up to the girl in class. There’s no question that that’s a possibility. But it’s not the only option. Guys at all ages and circumstances need to feel validated that they still “got it.” It does a guy’s ego wonders to get the attention of a girl, especially one he finds attractive. Omitting who he was with on the camping weekend could simply be for the purpose of getting an ego boost from her. This simply is just very common to almost all males. Add to the mix his age, developing waste line, insecurity, etc. and his sin may be a minor offensive that you would be wise to ignore… if it was the only issue.
The problem for you is that despite your otherwise colorful description of a good relationship, the reason you’re making such an issue about this incident is that based on his history at such a young age of committing quickly and have the commitment fade out have left a big gap in your trust mechanism. It’s as if you’re waiting for the next shoe to drop because, well, that has been his modus operandi. If this wasn’t the case, you wouldn’t have looked at his phone records even if he was the one who offered. You have masked your distrust to him, and maybe even to yourself, but you ceased on the first opportunity to act on that distrust.
He has accepted responsibility for having acted improperly this time. But unfortunately, this incident is not what’s really bothering you; what’s bothering are his past relationships. And that he can’t apologize for. You either try to deal better with his past or you’re going to be stumbling into more cases where his words will trouble you.
As I always say, men have no need for female friends for the sake of friendship; there’s always an ulterior motive. You now found out what the motive was.
Next time, remember… men have no need for friendships with women for the sake of just friendship. Be prepared.
Ericka, 21, in US:
Sooooooooo,,,,,
Me and my best guy friend are together all the time. We go out often and he always buys dinner, movies, etc…. He also does a lot of things for me like changing the oil in my car, washing my car, and he even showed up to the funeral home when a family member passed away (he didn’t know the said family member). We always pick at one another and tease each other. I like him a lot, the only problem is I can’t figure out his feelings. Often times things will get brought up about us dating and he says “it’d be awkward don’t ya think, we are such good friends”. I’ve been told by many people that there’s something between us but just don’t know for sure…. I’ve never had a guy friend do so much for me. We dated once in high school for a short stint so I know he must find me somewhat attractive, but he does talk about other females sometimes (to which I respond with something about another guy) I feel like we are going around in circles. I tell him I love him and he does to me as well, but I just don’t know how he loves me! I need advice!!
VictorM:
For some guys, a close friendship as you describe is preferable to a relationship because while there may not be sex in the friendship, the guy still gets to be close to an attractive girls who smells, feels, and sounds good, but without the anvil that is many a relationship.
Your friend will continue to behave as he does now until either you or him find a partner. At that time, the closeness is likely to bite the dust.
If you’re interested in romance with him your best bet is to stop the close friendship. As long as he enjoys your company as he does now without having to commit, he’ll stick to the current approach.
Julia, 26, in USA:
Hello Victor, I have a few general questions regarding new relationships. I struggle a lot with over analyzing situations and trying to “read between the lines”
I’ve been talking to my new guy for about a month now. We both agreed to take things slow, considering we both got out of long term (5+years) relationships about half a year ago. And not to mention, he has kids (yes, plural) and I have none. However, within this month, I’ve already met them and we proceed as if we’re in a relationship. This scares me, especially because I’ve broken your number one rule of acting like a girlfriend without actually being a girlfriend. I do not want to
jeopardize our “potential”.
Since I’ve broken the rule, how do I reverse this?
Obviously, I’ve caught feelings, how do I slow things down without creating the thought that I’m not as interested?
When you and your wife first met, what were things that intrigued you about her that others didn’t?
What makes guys really feel like they want to commit to a girl?
I understand not being needy or clingy, I’m not that kind of girl in general, but If we go a day without talking, then I start feeling like something is wrong (my over analyzing) and I mimic any distance by creating more on my end.
What are the major signs early on that indicate things are going south? So we women can be aware and act accordingly instead of creating heartache.
I really want things to work, I’m trying to stay positive.
Thanks for your advice !!
And congrats on your marriage! ;)
VictorM:
You don’t reverse the rule about acting like a girlfriend before you are one, you just stop doing it when you realize it. So, whatever things you did that you feel you shouldn’t, just say, “next time… I don’t do that”.
Guys don’t need to feel that you have feelings for them to think you’re interested. Being a challenge to him is a bigger magnet. So, be scarce but always nice and friendly. Don’t contact him as much and when he contacts you be noticeably pleased.
Commitment comes easier when there’s no or little drama in the relationship. Nagging is a major problem. But on the other hand, you don’t have to do a lot — just make his life easier and pleasant. Piece of cake, right? :)
You’ll know the relationship is not going to work if he starts being very busy at work or with family or whatever AFTER he goes silent or is distant (if he let you know ahead of time he’s going to be busy, things are still ok). It’s very simple: a guy who’s into you will want to see you. Maybe not as often as you want to see him, but he’ll initiate contact and make plans.
But you need to proceed at the pace of the slowest one. And when it comes to commitment, it’s going to be slower.
Kelly, 34, in Baltimore:
I’ve gotten myself in to a bad situation. Looking back, this is the second time that I’ve done this. I’m sleeping with someone who is not available. The first time I did it, it was more of inappropriate texts, but now I’ve actually slept with someone, who is in a relationship. I won’t make excuses, or try and defend myself. I need help telling him I’m no longer going to be doing it. It happened once, but once was enough to make me feel horrible. They broke up, but got back together, due to having a child. He doesn’t want to risk losing his child and has been telling me he needs to get his ducks in a row, before he leaves her. She took his son recently and he had no idea where they both went. I realize he sounds like a liar, but he never once told me he was leaving, until now. We started off as good friends and we’ve gotten in to this mess and I need help getting out of it, with whatever pride I have left. I feel sick. Please don’t be too hard on me, I know I’m an asshole. I just need to tell him to leave me alone.
VictorM:
He may not be lying but his statement about “ducks in a row” is just a stalling tactic. He may someday leave but it won’t be for you. You’re part and parcel of the problem. He’ll either stay with her or leave for someone new. He may not even know this himself but a man who gets in such a mess isn’t likely to understand why he does what he does.
Telling him to leave you alone won’t work. He’s addicted to making bad decisions and you just invite him to make one more. If you make it a challenge he’ll play the game even harder.
Twice you say you need help telling him but telling him is not the challenge. Telling him will only make him chase you more. The chase makes you feel good because you refuse to accept that it’s just a game for him. Until you see it for what it is –that you’re just a distraction to him — nothing will change.
jamie, 37, in asia:
Hi Victor,
Thanks for your efforts and compassion On here.
Unfortunately I have problems to share too. My husband won’t touch or have sex with me. It has been 1 year since we last had sex. Even that was after I pushed for it. Before that, it was probably another year of no sex. He no longer cuddles me while watching tv or in bed during sleep like the past years. Now he only goes as far as holding my hand while we watch TV.
We have been together 15 years, married for 12. 3 kids under 10yrs old. He is my age. We are both out of shape and overweight. I am very conscious of being fat and so, am probably looking for some kind of assurance from him.
He insists it is not about my physical figure that is stopping him. He says he simply doesn’t feel like it. Or he doesn’t have time. My youngest is 3 going on 4yr old. That was probably when my husband’s behavior changed.
He didn’t wanto a 3rd child but I did. He gave in, but probably holding a grudge?
How can I understand how he feels and thinks? He doesn’t want a divorce but he won’t say he loves me. He used to say it often, used to cuddle me in front of the kids and our parents and used to hold and stroke my hand even while he was driving.
Please help me understand. Thank you
VictorM:
He could be holding a grudge but his actions would be depriving him of sex, which is not usually a good strategy for guys. It’s possible that being talked into having a child he didn’t want he’s harboring some resentment. That could explain him not cuddling and such, but no sex? Something more serious is going on.
Men losing their interest in sex as they age is not at all uncommon. For men in their 30s their sexual prime is long past them. Add three children running around the house, plus 15 years of familiarity, added weight and being out of shape, the pressures of being a provider, and who knows what else he might be dealing with, and yeah, sexual decline is all too common.
It could also be that, for a variety of reasons, he’s feeling like he can’t perform sexually. If this is the case, it would follow that he’d cuddle less for fear of starting something he can’t finish. If this is the case, he should visit a doctor.
The best approach would be to see a professional therapist together. If you can manage that, great. If not, consider changes to your life. For example: if you have easy access to babysitting, send more time with him alone. Get away for a weekend, just the two of you.
The best way to motivate a partner to change is by changing yourself. Here are some example: change your appearance (cut or dye your hair, use more/less make-up, etc), change your dressing style. If you’re feeling less attractive, you are less attractive, so work on your own feelings about yourself, for yourself. Move more: walk, run, job, bike, swim… move, move, move.
Make changes in the house: more light, brighter colors, flowers, plants, change furniture around, etc.