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You have misread the situation"@WeightLossFull: hey @katielwright FULL THROTTLE FAT LOSE : Lose Fat Up To 417% FASTER > #FatLoss"
If I just lose ten more pounds I think I'll finally be thin enough to write a song celebrating how fat I am.
1 retweet 2 favorites
[baby orientation] Welcome to living! It's 2 years of pooping your pants & then 70 years of sadness. Now let's cut off part of that penis!
1,642 retweets 3,435 favorites
If they do replace the raw Twitter feed it should be with a David Lynch algorithm that serves all users surreal, unsettling images 24/7.
65 retweets 97 favoritesI made this list about four years ago. Some of these are pretty good, but I have NO IDEA what "Bueller… http://instagram.com/p/sN5_yTr3xo/
I'm told it's pleasurable to maintain an internet presence. Will tweeting cure me of this misconception?
Every red headed actor in the world is in the first season of the X-Files.
Today it took me 30 full minutes to remember Harvey Specter's favorite band. Time to rewatch every episode of Suits!
1 favorite
The Beatles [sic]
3 retweets 9 favorites
When I talk to comics and musicians who've fought depression, as I have, it's ALL I want to talk about. "You were in the war?! Me too!"
13 retweets 65 favorites
really not looking forward to seeing "brave" comedians doing Robin Williams material at open mics this week
2 retweets 7 favorites
O Captain! My Captain! Rise up and hear the bells. Rise up, for you the flag is flung, for you the bugle trills.
44,530 retweets 44,774 favoritesI AM SEEING BRAND NEW TONIGHT. I WOULD LIKE TO THANK MY FAMILY, THE FANS AND EVERYONE WHO MADE THIS POSSIBLE.
I have been trying to shoot an actor demo reel on my phone all day and all I've accomplished is worrying that my eyes are lopsided.
1 favoriteAlso Chase refunded the fraudulent charges like two seconds after I reported them so I guess I'm on the side of the banks now.
1 favoriteSomeone stole my debit card and spent over $100 at a bar with one dollar sign on Yelp. Come on, dude. Dream bigger than that.
Fats Domino and Chubby Checker are okay but my favorite singer is Morbidly Obese Chess Piece.
38 retweets 47 favorites
"At your wedding you will discover your maid-of-honor is pregnant. She will upstage you. Sorry. She didn't mean to." #midwestfortunecookie
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