Lonely on an island shore
There's no one around.
The day is grown older now
As I catch the thought of you.
I lay awake at night
With you on my mind;
Sleep drifts over me
But still I can see you.
I knew that I wasn't dreaming anymore.
Softly, your hair in my hands
And your eyelashes opened the door.
How could we love each other
And yet be so remote?
You were carried by a changing tide
I was trotting along
The desert was hot
[Wolf howls]
And I sang this song:
Yo, I'm rugged
My camel's got the three-wheel motion
Every word I say you want to put it to your quotient
Zanzabar!
Raised by the wolves
Oxford education as phrased by the wolves
My khaki shirt tucked into my tight khaki pants
I drink too much and do my white wacky dance
To hell with that I'm a man without shame
Listen to the howls on the wind there's my name
ZANZABAR
Oh yes bitch say it loud
I see the shape of vagina in every passing cloud
In my weird state I thirst for bread
But settle for sketches of vagina clouds instead
I hunger for water, ache for my wolf friends
I have jerked off to vagina clouds at least 73 times now
Vagina clouds... vagina...
They look so pretty
I wonder if people suspect that I'm a wolf
As opposed to a manly adventurer
Man it's hot
Sun all around me
I'd better focus on a vagina cloud to ground me
Ah that's better
Whoops there's the wolf cock
I think that I'll rape my sidekick with my name ZANZABAR
Sidekick:
Goddamn is it hot
What's the deal,
It seems we haven't been talking for hours
The sun is so hot
I've been eating sand mixed with flowers
Zanzabar, he calls them sand pops
I call them disgusting,
He likes them a lot,
He says "They're tastier hot
Better strike that match up"
I said "maybe you're right
Could you pass the ketchup?"
And that's about it on the conversation front
What he could he be thinking as he sits on his hump
I bet he just hates
The rice pilaf I made
And seems less than impressed
With the souffle I souffleed
In fact he's never impressed with anything I cook,
He just points to the sky
Turns to me and says "look
That vagina cloud there, I think it winked at me"
I say that's great, double Z, I just saw a bunny
And that one there kind of looks like a gun
ZanZabar:
A vagina gun?
Sidekick:
No a regular one
Like this one here that I'm pointing at you
Filled with poisonous darts that stick to you like glue
See, I'm sick of your crap
And your vagina rap
So I leave you to die
As your spinal gets tapped
Slowly losing your mind
And start hallucinating
So you can watch your clouds and keep masturbating
[Snuffling sounds]
ZanZabar:
Whoa...
Zanzabar feels funny
I'm floating up to the clouds and everything looks runny
Sidekick:
Z. come back, I feel terrible
But the heat and the verbal abuse was unbearable
ZanZabar:
Worry not, toady sidekick, I don't hate ya,
Though I wish I had time to come down there and rape ya
Sidekick:
You don't mean that I'm sure that's the poison that's talking
ZanZabar:
With my new wings I prefer flying to walking
Sidekick:
You're just flapping your arms in the sand!
ZanZabar:
Your delusions of grandeur are certainly grand
Now if you don't mind I'll be flying to China
Oh look! there's a cactus that's shaped like a vagina
Sidekick:
Wait you fool I stepped in some shit
ZanZabar:
Observe as I tickle the cactus's clit
Sidekick:
I just bought these shoes
Holy crap I am mad
Now I'll have to return them
I've lost the receipt
It must be here somewhere... in the trash
Aw, who took out the trash?
Mom, I told you not to come in here
It's my room,
Mom:
Honey...
Sidekick:
It's my, my space
Mom:
But I pay the bills
Sidekick:
Don't you see the side of the door I've got to cut keys
Mom:
Where's your friend Zanzabar?
Sidekick:
Mom, what do you care?
Mom:
Well, he was supposed to come over...
Sidekick:
You're always spying in here and trying to tell me what to do!
Mom:
Hey...
Sidekick:
I'm sick of this song, really sick of this
Mom:
Hey yo, check this out. I was just at the club right, heard these two dudes talking, one of them said to the other one, that they knew someone, who said you guys are wack!
(Who said we're wack?)
You said we're wack?
You take it back!
(Who said we're wack?)
You talkin' smack?
You gonna get smacked.
(You're sayin' that we're wack but it just ain't so.)
Someone said we're wack!
Why would they say that?
I don't think we're wack.
Who said we're wack?
Who said we're wack?
I can't believe that.
They must be smoking crack,
To say that we're wack.
Say that we're wack?
You'll probably get smacked.
If you say we're wack.
Did you say we're wack?
(Who said we're wack?)
I'll paint your eye black,
Once I check my facts.
(Who said we're wack?)
How could a person up and call a person wack?
How could the devil turn the blue sky black?
How many babies born will ever reach their dreams?
And how could a person call another person wack?
Heard a rumor, that someone said we're wack.
I think that it's wack, to call someone wack.
I am not wack, no matter what you say,
What did you say? Did you say I'm wack?
All the ladies in the house put your hands up!
All the fellas in the house put your hands up!
Now whoever said we're wack put your hand up!
Now everyone else put your hands down!
Aye yo, new Lonely Island
2011
Let’s get ‘em Kiv!
Aye yo my dick don’t work, that shit is soft as a pillow
My girlie lookin’ at me like “You for real dude?”
Aye yo, hold up, hold up, we gotta come harder than that! Yo tell ‘em Andy!
I think there might be something wrong with my dick
It’s like a melted stick of butter so soft that it can’t fill a rubber.
Aye yo come on man, this is Lonely Island, people are countin’ on us, I gotta run all these motherfuckers myself! Whoo!
Aye yo I think I broke my dick in the sink
It’s so small and ugly, all smashed and flat like it was playin’ rugby.
HOLD UP HOLD UP, this is serious, Kiv let ‘em know!
Yo for real though, I suffer from stinky dick.
Every time I take a piss it smells just like shit.
HAHA yeah that’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout! Andy show ‘em how it’s done!
My dick looks like the fat that you cut off a steak, smashed in like my balls went and stepped on a rake.
LONELY ISLAND! GRAMMY NOMINATED, YEA! HIT ‘EM AGAIN!
Yo straight out the box with my soggy little shrimp
I was a eight year old girl before the doctor found my dick.
We make too much money for this shit, murder music!
I shit the bed cause my dick played a prank on my butt
HIT EM! Straight crept when I slept and stuck a laxative up..
SUPPOSITORY MUSIC! WHATCHY’ALL KNOW ABOUT INCONTINENCE?!
I got hepatitis c from horse, but no confusion, JEAH!
It wasn’t from the sex it was a blood transfusion!
WHAT?! MOTHERFUCKER GOT HORSE BLOOD! WHAT Y’ALL GOT?
I write freaky fan fiction where cartoons fuck
Got CGI Garfield lickin’ Marmaduke’s nuts
WHOO! I WOULD LIKE TO SEE THAT! THIS IS THAT GARFIELD SEX MUSIC! NOW YA’LL JUST SHOWIN OFF! PREACH!
I got a friend named Reggie who lives down at the dump
Every other week I swing by and bring him some lunch
OH!! NOW THAT JUST SOUNDS NICE!
IMA CALL IT RIGHT THERE, GAME OVER MOTHERFUCKERS!
Hey. What's wrong?
Come quick, some losers wanna fight us
Oh, not again. I'll go get my gun
Okay
You must be loco to mess with us
Don't you know we're dangerous?
We'll kill you. We'll kill you
It's on now, the fight's beginning
One punch in and we're already winning
Guy Number One, the ape-shit killer
After you're dead I drink an ice cold Miller
Out on parole and I'm looking to score
I'm Guy Number Two, I'll take your whore
AK's, Uzis, nines and glocks
One pierced ear and ankle socks
If you see us on the street
You can bet we're high
We wear sunglasses
For bloodshot eyes
Each jerk we kill, our hearts grows colder
I could shoot all day, doesn't hurt my shoulder
I drive all the time, it's no big deal
Open the door, and get behind the wheel
I only hang with felons, killers and thugs
You're still a cunt Steve, go fuck your snake
You must be loco to mess with us
Don't you know we're dangerous?
We'll kill you. We'll kill you
Our thirst for blood is never enough
Is there a heaven for gangsters like us?
Hey Guy Number One?
Yeah, Guy Number Two?
I'm just doing me
I'm doing you too
(NO! )
I only date girls who have been around
I know what they like, I'll go down town
We play dominoes, but call them bones
And wear cool hats, like Al Capone
Who cares about the pigs, we can pay the bail
You're just a loser, you'd get raped in jail
We're just two guys
Who have a death wish
Screw trial by twelve, we'll be carried by six
Like
Bowm, bowm
Bowm, bowm, bowm, bowm, bowm
You must be loco to mess with us
Don't you know we're dangerous?
We'll kill you. We'll kill you.
Ain't no such thing as half-way crooks
Jorma: Hello?
Kiv: Hi, do you want to go to a party with me?
Jorma: No. The game's on.
Kiv: Oh, I almost forgot. I'll be right there.
We like sportz and we don't care who knows
From shooting hoops, to the Super Bowl
We like sportz and we don't care who knows
Football Football Football. Tennis. Hockey. Golf.
The game is starting everyone is here,
I got my snacks, my friends, and a beer
Just two normal guyz hanging out having fun
Kiv: Right guy number 2?
Jorma: Yeah guy number 1.
E to the S to the P to the N
Is all I watch cause I'm the man
If my team loses I'll be mean all night
If you tell me to relax we'll get in a fight
Watching sportz with girls is a pain
They don't know the rules; there's no time to explain
Single, double, triple, home-run
For the celebration I'll shoot my gun
I like my friend, he's a real guys guy
He's not a loud-mouth like that cunt-hole Steve
We like sportz and we don't care who knows
From Wimbledon to the Astrodome
We like sportz and we don't care who knows
Football Football Football. Tennis. Hockey. Golf.
Now when I say "sportz", you say "nutz"
"Sportz!"
"Nutz!"
"Sportz!"
"Nutz!"
When I say "cheating", you say "sux"
"Cheating!"
"Sux!"
"Cheating!"
"Sux!"
I drink whiskey cause I like the taste
You think its bitter but I think its great
I also drink whiskey and we smoke cigars
Don't believe me? Smell our cars
We're real men, and we like sportz
If you say we're not then we'll see you in court
Jorma: I'm team captain and I choose you
Kiv: I'm the other team captain and I choose you too
We steal the ball and we're off to the races
Then scare the other team with our mad dog faces like,
What what what what what what.
What what what what what what.
We like sportz and we don't care who knows
From the pregame toast to the wrap-up show
We like sportz and we don't care who knows
Football Football Football. Tennis. Hockey. Golf.
Kiv: Throw me the baseball.
Jorma: Now toss me the pig skin.
Kiv: Now feed me the rock.
Turtle neck n’ chain (x3) (sippin’ on a light beer) – (x2)
My turtleneck fat and my chain so thin,
N’ im sippin’ light beer, n my crew right here
Chain razor thin like beer in my cup,
And my sweater on turtle with the neck on buff
Huge turtle neck and my chain so skinny
Beer light all night, stand up get dizzy
Light cup, beer drink, thin so chain, neck turtle fat, man I won’t say it again
Turtle neck n’ chain (x3) (sippin’ on a light beer)
Turtle neck (check) with another on deck
Incase I spill something on it (like some light beer, yeah)
We be braggin’ bout who’s chain the thinnest
Turtle neck thicker than delta burse women in the Guinness (now bear with me)
But they can’t see my chain,
Metal so thin it dissolve when it rains
Got more chains than the snow patrol
Everyone razor thin like an insect stripper pole
Turtle neck n’ chain (x3) (sippin’ on a light beer)
Chain so light when police roll by, i made it flow (I made it flow)
And my beer so light you could see right through it, like a ghost
And i also wear turtle necks
Sweaters swallowing my chain like it’s stuck in the couch
Looking like cookie mother floss in this mouth
Find me coolin’ on the corner sippn’ light beer foam
You can tell by my turtle neck and chain that i bone
T-turtleneck, light beer n’ a thin ass chain, n’ that’s it (x2)
-Snoop Dogg-
The rabbit kicked the bucket, dog said f**k it,
Get my 2 step on, with my turtle neck on
Thin ass chain, like beer in my glass
Mackin at the bitches, the ones with the ass
Girl you know it’s true, tell me what it do
Oh you like my style, say you like my crew
Say you wanna’ be under my chest, this turtle neck is like one of my best (x2)
So i guess your dress, no stress, stayin’ fresh as my bandana
Ima crook, so my look, ima game go getta
The fatter the puppy, get the fluffy, get the bigger the turtleneck,
The more gangster it is
Turtle neck n’ chain (x3) (sippin’ on a light beer)
Yea let's do this
Take a good look at me, you need a bad guy like me
All I have in this world is my balls and my work, and I don't break em for no one
Yo hopped out the whip, popped the heater out the glove-y
Ski-masked it up, bout to jack these fools, love me
Blasted through the door, blazing hell with the shells flyin,
Spiderwebbed the flat screen in one shot, babies crying
Got these bitches nose bloody, face down in the shag
This bitch is flippin - Shut the fuck up and fill the bag
All of a sudden - BOOM, shots from the back room
It was a set up, dude yellin "Gettin' fed up!"
Yo we bust out the back, dookie flyin outta my pants
You got the keys, yea boy now make that engine dance
This shit is stallin, fuck man they strapped up
Lets make a brake for it to the crib or the backup
We hit the pavement, dookie bustin all out of my jeans
You hop the fence, so we can get away clean
We hit the dirt, this rottweiler snarlin and smilin
He ripped my pantleg off, a bunch of dookies went flyin
I had to blast, dog brains all in the grass
Mixed with the dookie, yeah man nighty night! Time to smash
Yo we cut through the park, dookies poppin outta my shirt
A hail of bullets from behind, like lead fireworks
Dookie fillin up my sneaks bought to bust, No doubt
Pulled off a Isotoner glove, shook the dookies out
Yo it's a chase, they want us to be chased
Yo duck over here, I gotta ditch some dead dookie weight
Whipped off my skully so I could dump the dookie
Cop blazin out the eucalyptus tryin to shoot me
I blew out his back, that's all she wrote man
Yeah, now his chest slapped two dookies for the boatman
They comin man, quick throw these dookies in the trash
Hold up more dookie, they comin out fast
Yo I can't move my leg, cause I'm stuck on dookie mountain
Fifty guns open fire, blood spray like a fountain
Now our bodies all shredded, shots blaze right through me
We're done-er than done, done in by the dookie
Your mom says, "Hi" — Jinx!
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah no no
Yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
JAM!
Summertime in the city
And everybody's having sex(You know)
I just got a page from my girl that I met last week at
the Payless(Shoe source)
I also have a cutie to call who likes the way I knock
on her boots
Well it's time to mack
Let's handle that
In two-to-six hours,
We'll meet back and regroup
Now let's shoot
Roll up to her crib with some Bartles & James
Hop off the buss with the Alizé
Now hold up player, whatchu diggity-doing here?
I should diggity-ask you the same
And she sang
Hey, boys I want you both
I hope that you think that's cool(Say word?)
I know most guys won't freak together
But she forgot about the Golden Rule — a huh huh
It's OK when it's in a three-way
It's not gay when it's in a three-way
With a honey in the middle there's some leeway
The area's great in a one, two, three-way
Normally, I don't get down with dudes
But tonight is a special exception (Great)
See you're my best friend
Through thick and thin
Now it's time to make a triple connection
Lights off
Here in the dark (Here in the dark)
It's so hard to tell (So hard to tell)
Where her body ends (La la)
And my homie's begins (Ew wee)
This rule dates back (The Golden Rule)
To ancient Greece (Takin' about Cesar)
We're two Jack Trippers and a Chrissy
The new Three's Company
It's OK when it's in a three-way
It's not gay when it's in a three-way
With a honey in the middle there's some leeway
The area's great in a one, two, three-way
Fellas. Get ready.
To impress a chick
Helicopter d*ck, go!
Hellicopter d*ck (uh!) Helicopter d*ck (alright!)
To impress a chick,
do the helicopter d*ck (wow)
And all of that was Okay
'Cuz it was in a three-way
It's quite clear when you see the instant replay
Maybe two is enough
That's what they'll say
But we'll say, "Hell no."
One, two, three-way
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
(Yo I'm being serious)
Yo, it's the wild wild west
You came to the right place my man
Get ready, here we go
New Shit!
Welcome my friends to the old saloon
Everyone in town is hangin out
If you got a drink, well you drink it down
Then we'll all go have sex with the whoever!
Brand new!
Buffalo Bill, I just rode into town
On my horse, you betcha on a horse
That's the thing in the old west times,
Everyone enjoys a good horse ride
If you cheat at cards ya get thrown out!
Right out the saloon doors on your butt
Go back in and buy a round of whiskey
Guess what? All is forgiven!
DJ LARRY!
Well look who's here, it's Calamity Jane
And you're another guy who's probly an injun!
This whiskey's warm and it tastes like piss!
DJ LARRY!
Oh no! My stash smells like piss!
So that's your story, stickin to it
The old wild west is no place for a lady
I'm the bartender, but I'm also the mayor
So just put that in your pipe and smoke it
DJ waaahaa!
Tiny Tim and it's almost Christmas,
[John Waters]
Hey, I'm John Waters, and this is...
The Creep.
[Lonely Island]
When you're out in the club and you see a fly girl
Do the Creep (hah)
Do the Creep (hah)
And if you wanna make friends at the ATM
Do the Creep (hoo)
Do the Creep (hah)
[Andy Samberg]
Well, we got a new dance so get up on your feet
It's real easy to do, and it's called 'The Creep'
Let your hands flap around like a Marionette
Pop your knees up and down, ch-ch- chicken your neck
[Akiva Schaffer]
Now pull your waistband up like you expectin' a flood
And slick your hair down flat like it was covered in mud
Trim up your pencil mustache and pop them peepers
Put this in your speakers; you a certified creeper.
[Lonely Island]
When you see a country peach, laying out at the beach
Do the Creep (hah)
Do the Creep (hah)
And when a fine PYT walks in front of your tree
Do the Creep (hoo)
Do the Creep (hah)
[Andy Samberg]
I was six years old when I started creepin'
My parents took it to their room and I started peepin'
You can't imagine their surprise when they lifted their heads
And saw my little ass creepin' at the foot of the bed
[Akiva Schaffer]
Yeah they knew I was a creep, since the day I was born
Poppin' out my momma like some kettle corn
Yeah the doctor caught my head and he started freakin'
'Cause I came out clean -- and I came out creepin'!
[Lonely Island]
Nicki,
Nicki,
Nicki, Nicki, Nicki
Nicki!
[Nicki Minaj]
When I was a girl, I creeped in the boys' locker room
Hide deep inside -- it was my little creep stalker room
As they disrobed, I was oogling and oggling
Little did they know, that for me, they were modeling
And I would laugh, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, ha.
And they would dance, la-la-la-la-la-la-la, la.
So pop-pop-pop your peepers,
and tweak out your sneakers
Don't sleep, come on get your Creep on with me!
[Lonely Island]
Go on, get to sweatin' off a bride at her wedding
Do the Creep (hah)
And do the Creep (hah)
[Nicki Minaj]
And when you sneak into a wake, and you see a beefcake
Do the Creep (hoo)
And do the Creep (hah)
[Lonely Island]
And when the judge is a hottie and you can't control your body
Do the Creep (hah)
Do the Creep (hah)
[Nicki Minaj]
So, get your knees flexin, and your arms T-rexin',
[All]
And Creep (hoo)
Do the Creep! (hah)
[John Waters]
It's the best look in the world
Yow!
Lookin good
Lemme tell you bout a look I know
From San Diego down to Mexico
It's top secret and it's just for the gents
So button up your shirt and drop your pants
Dress shirt, black socks
Put 'em both on but take off your underpants
P. loafs, pale stems, you look good
The best look in the world
The best look in the world
Classy garters are a classy touch
Kids and bitches peek-a-boo it's your nuts
Your lower buttocks has got to show
Sports sandals are optional
Sunblock, UV shades
Your jimmy cap is crownin like a newborn
Toned calves, cool attitude
A soft breeze is ticklin your knee pits
Donald Duck strut, ladies swoon
That's cause you got
The best look in the world
The best look in the world
Dads! have got the look
Husbands! have got the look
Cops! They've got the look
Illiterate genies have got the look
Liver spots, flank steak thighs
Here it comes:
The best look in the world
The best look in the world
Dress shirt, black socks, no pants:
Stork patrol, always patrollin
Stork patrol, he's rollin
Stork patrol, with my storkies
Stork patrol
Yo what up, fine feathered stork?
Peace, you're lovely
Hollow legs, long beak, feathers so cuddly
Yo I wanna step to you stork, but I don't know how
Your style's mad intimidating, makes me go wild
Get ya open like those web toes
You know I spread those scrawny bird legs past the head when I bed those
Stanky sea stork steady salty in your seed sack
Have at this barnacle, bird, ya know I need that
Your feathers shiny, nasty plumage
Let me probe your inner sanctum, I love you doin it
Witchya storkin ass
Beautiful Marabou
Plenty of birdseed for you, incubators too
What up Marabou-bou, don't I recognize you?
National Geographic, cover, ninety-two
Turn around your backyard, I can barely speak
Oops, there go my kids all over your beak
Calling all storks, we're on a stork patrol
We have an APB out for three storks heading one-eighty
Chicks fly the coop when you pull up to dem first
She's a beautiful specimen (she's a stork! )
A beautiful specimen
'Ey yo peepin, I know you love Victoria's Egret
Garter belts all in your claws on some freak ish
I love you like my wingspan, everything's grand
Knock it airborne, make you pray to god to bring land
Never worry bout what your friends say, they're just pelicans
Swallowin the minnows of this other species' gentlemen
Thirty days, thirty nights on my eggs you sitted
Cuz you always been committed, til the day I was acquitted
Lovely, eatin baby crocodiles and insects
Let me be your park ranger and your sanctuary pretect
Ooh, I wanna ruffle you up, suck on your beak
Freak nasty ish, make you stand on one feet
Yo my eyes are red, my voice is tremblin
Please don't leave me, stork
This ish, I need you til the end
When the cops came, you held my stash in your beak
God damn, nasty freak!
Alright, listen up, stork
We, human men, have got you surrounded
Reach for the stars!
You stand on a distant planet
Skyline of red plateaus
Strange air and vegetation
You're a winner!
Welcome to the Space Olympics
The year Thirty Twenty Two
Take part in a grand tradition
Your name echoes in the holes of the universe!
Believe in yourself!
Take your game into outer space!
Every single galactic athlete
Needs a coded ID badge
Drug tests are mandatory
You're a winner!
The Athlete's Village is on Zargon
You all get a junior suite
We don't cover incidentals
So keep your ass off the minibar!
You're the best in the world!
Brace yourself 'cause there's no gravity!
You're in the motherfuckin' Space Olympics!
Let it be known by every nation
You'll only get one meal a day
There was a bit of a budget SNAFU
And food funding is insufficient
We can't really enforce a curfew
As there is no light or sound
Just one of the many problems
With hosting a sporting event in space.
Attention all athletes. There are minor scheduling adjustments.
Space Disc! Is totally cancelled.
Space Swords! Is totally cancelled.
Space Luge! Is also cancelled.
And all other events are pending!
Welcome to your Space Olympics
All the oxygen has run out
And someone who will not be named
Accidentally hit self-destruct
As you file to your escape pods
I'll distract the alien hordes
And as I stare death in the face I know my sins will take me to hell.
You do it for the love
My love
Featuring: Rihanna, The Lonely Island
Yeaahh, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ayÂ
We at it again, everybody nowÂ
Hands in the air, its a stick up, stick upÂ
no funny business or you get lit up, lit upÂ
You test I (I), you gon' die (die)Â
And at your funeral ya mama gon' cryÂ
So customers kiss the floor, floorÂ
And clerks open cash drawers slow, slowÂ
If you don't wanna end up deadÂ
You'll do everything Shy Ronnie saysÂ
Tell 'em, Ronnie!Â
(Ronnie murmers)Â
No one in the bank can hear youÂ
Shy Ronnie, use your outside voiceÂ
We don't have time for thisÂ
Let's goÂ
So stay on the ground its a stick up, stick upÂ
Your wallets and jewels we'll pick up, pick upÂ
Unload the cash (cash), move your ass (ass)Â
We getting money, tell 'em Shy RonnieÂ
(Ronnie murmers)Â
Please, please use your wordsÂ
Just imagine that everyone's nakedÂ
Uh, oh!Â
Boner alert. He really pictured them naked.Â
The police are on their wayÂ
(come out with your hands up)Â
good luck, Shy RonnieÂ
Bye, bye!Â
HA-HAA!Â
Ronnie motherfucker and I'm back from the dead,Â
Brain bored with the murder, so I shot my own legÂ
Don't get the name twisted, cause I'm crazy as shitÂ
I hung a giant ass noose off my giant ass dick--Â
Aye! I forgot this moneyÂ
And also this guyÂ
Come on, we're gonna have sexÂ
Too-da-loo!Â
And you can hang from itÂ
Cause you don't wanna see my real gunÂ
Shots to the sky but your face sound real fun!Â
I'm on shrooms! (yaaaaaaaaay! )
I'm on shro-ooms! (yaaaaaaaay! )
I'm on shrooms! (yaaaaaaaay! )
I'm on shrooms!
(Laaa, la-la-la-laa-la-la, lalalaaaaaaaa, la-la-la)
(Laaaaaa, lalalalaaaaa, lalalala)
Well, he was the Sax Man from the state of Tennessee
First set in with the band at the ripe old age of three weeks old
And when he blew into that horn all the people gathered 'round
Club manager jumped right up and said, "Boy, I gotta have that sound!"
Scream "Hallelujah Lord!", I said the Sax Man's got my soul
Everybody gotta move their feet when the Sax Man started to blow
Now blow it Sax Man!
(Weak saxophone noises)
Nnnn, 'kay, he's a little shy, but his genius cannot hide
Cause when the Sax Man starts to wail he gonna take you on a ride
Take it Sax Man!
Ow! Take it Sax Man!
He'll be right with you folks!
All right, Sax Man, that's my fault, I put you on the spot
But now you're all warmed up and this-a next one's gonna be hot
Kick it Sax Man!
(Come on! )
(What the fuck are you doing! )
Haha, okay! Why don't we have a little inspiration now.
You know this game, Sax Man!
Repeat after me, here we go, and!
Shibidi bop bop buda bop bop
Bip bip bipbip bip bip bipbip bip
Aridididi bop bududidadi
Fuckin' play something, Sax Man!
Okay, move it on!
Sax Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan,
Hey what's up, man?
Nothin.
You'll never guess what happened. Check it: last Saturday, my main chicken was like,
"You need to take me out for a bubble bath, oil massage, and candlelight dinner! "
Oh, oh hell nah!
That's what I was sayin, I had to tell her like this:
Saturday night is not for romance
You've got all week to get into girls' pants
Got ladies in the UK and ladies in France
But Saturday night I'm in my B-Boy Stance
Now...
Saturday night is the night after Friday
I'm thinkin bout fly-ass girls out on the highway
I push my 'celerator and beep my horn
It's not a night for dancing, a night for porn
Jerkin in the bathroom then coolin with my fellas
I'm duckin these broads like rain to umbrellas
Saturday night ain't time for the chicks
It's time for the fellas to watch porno flicks
I'm pokin through, I hope no one can tell
I'll go in the bathroom, ring my own bell
Ring the alarm, but I'm not The Fu-Schnickens
It's Saturday night and I'm dodgin these chickens
Wake up on Sunday, taste dude in my mouth
Monday back home, the chick's in the house
Tuesday now I'm back with my girl
Never let her know about my Saturday world
Ah...
Saturday night is not for romance
You've got all week to get into girls' pants
Got ladies in the UK and ladies in France
But Saturday night I'm in my B-Boy Stance
Chillin with the girls can be pretty cool
But kickin it with the fellas is a different world
A girl can never understand what it's like to be me
I stand up while they sit to go pee
Well it's guys' night out and I'm feelin real horny
Roll to the store for a case of forties
Inhibitions go straight out the window
Let's explore our bodies and smoke some endo
I'd rather watch tv and drink my Jack
Than spend my whole Saturday on hittin from the back
Sure it's all good to get your snuggle on
But I'm a dude for all dudes and my word is bond
Yeah his word is bond like the powder for your testes
I'm sweet on my boys like a melted bar of Nestlй
I'm down for my dudes and it's more than male bonding
Our fingers in the ass and men are responding
Well...
Saturday night is not for romance
You've got all week to get into girls' pants
Got ladies in the UK and ladies in France
But Saturday night I'm in my B-Boy Stance
Even though guys are better to bang
Girls stay nice like Michael Chang
Michael Chang don't win a lotta Grand Slams
But his attitude is good so he's the man
When we rhyme about tennis you know we'll always be drunk
My man Michael Chang's got legs like a tree trunk
Michael Chang, he's down with us
We've never hung out but we like him a lot
Even though he looks young, on the tour he's a veteran
A genuine role model Asian American
C to the H to the A-N-G
Everyone looks tall from his POV
He may not know the feeling of victory
But he's got a lotta H-E-A-R-T
We've never met Chang, and that's alright
He can still sleep over on a Saturday night
Sat-sat-sat-sat
Saturday night is not for romance
It's a day for us to get into dudes' pants
Whether it be Kirk, Michael Chang, or Lance
Saturday night I'm in my B-Boy Stance
I'm in my b-boys' pants
Here's a little story that I think you'll like
It's not about Shaq or Iron Mike
So buckle your seatbelts, it's gonna get choppy
And listen to the tale of the time I fought Rocky
One day me and all my friends were hangin'
Talkin' 'bout which of the girls was most bangin'
Then one friend says, "You know who's really tough?
"Rocky," (hit me home) "the boxer." Man,
I said, "Yeah I know him. What about him?" He said,
"He's really tough." "No way, man. I'm calling your bluff
"I think that I can take him and, to prove my point,
"I'll challenge him in public." (Yeah, that's the joint!)
So the very next day, stayed true to my word
And I snuck on T.V. so I could be heard
I said, 'Rocky, if you're out there, I think you're a nerd.
"And I'll lick you and bury you like a dog turd!"
I got kicked out, but the candle was lit
'Cause the people had to know if my claim was legit
It made the headlines and I got the call
It was Rocky ("Hey") and he wanted to brawl
We negotiated terms and set the date
Then I went into training to add some muscle weight
While I punched on meat in a rickety shack
He was sippin' on wine, having models rub his back
At the weigh-in, boy the tension was high
Me and Rock, toe-to-toe and eye-to-eye
I talked some trash, we got pulled apart
I shot him one last look to strike fear in his heart
Skip ahead, the big night was finally here
My body was ripped and my mind was clear
We entered the arena to the roar of the crowd
People chantin' my name - I never felt so proud
Faced off once more in the center of the ring
Touched gloves, said a prayer and the bell went *ding*
He hit me with a left and shattered my face
And a right sent my teeth all over the place
Then another great punch caved-in my eye socket
He broke my jaw and my trainer yelled, "Stop it!"
But nobody heard him and he crushed my ribs
Blood sprayed off my face and onto some kids
They yelled out, "More!" and Rocky obliged
I had to think of some way to turn the tides
So I leaned back to hit him with all of my might
Took a swing, but he caught me with a sucker punch right
Then a sucker punch left and a sucker punch right
Then twenty-two consecutive sucker punch rights
He tore off my arms and beat me with 'em
Then threw acid in my face which obscured my vision
He kicked me in the leg and fractured my shin
The bone splinters shot right out of my skin
People barfed in the crowd; they were going insane
And Rocky punched my nose-bone into my brain
I was quivering and twitching when I soiled my shorts
Then Rocky pissed on me (customary in sports)
The doctor came out and pronounced me dead
[Andy:]
Oh, it's been a long time coming
Two of the world's greatest
America's Sweetheart, Ms. Reba McEntire
(Yeah, yeah, how you doin', Andy?)
We 'bout to take it to the top
Hit 'em, Reba
[Kenan:]
Haters in my face try to keep me down
But you know we keep on shining (Here we go!)
Two crazy big stars from opposite worlds
'Bout to set this track on fire
(Yeah, she's the queen of country)
He's a comedy prince
Makin' something out of nothing
(We hooked up in the studio to make this song!)
But as usual we ended up fucking (No doubt!)
[Andy:]
Flashback to when I first met Reba
Sitcom dressing room, puffing on cheeba
I said I was a fan, she said "groovy"
Dropped her denim skirt and said, "hop to it"
Made love all night (More like we fucked!)
Kids banging on the door, tryna interrupt
But them autographs can wait
Cause this is way too strong
I can't leave it alone
Because her pussy's the bomb
[Kenan:]
Well my pussy is the bomb and that's a fact
But these n-words keep on tripping (Okay!)
So I stay on my grind and drop these hits
Cause I can't go back to stripping (I'm Reba!)
(You're my undercover freak)
And you're my best friend, but our families don't approve
(That's right 'cause I'm a city boy)
And I'm a country girl
And I'll never leave your sweet balls blue
[Andy:]
Ay, because a girl like Reba's got just what I need
With big, broad shoulders and a red ass weave (And a penis)
Hot damn, she fly
All she wanna do is fuck me
I'm a lucky guy (I'm a guy too)
My friends think I should dump her
They say she's a man who found a wig in a dumpster
(Your friends are smart)
Naw, Rebs, they're just jealous cause I'm dating a star
Instead of hanging with the fellas (Hanging like my nuts)
Word up, they're just liars
They can't believe that I could pull Reba McEntire
[Kenan:]
Since I came out my mama's butt
I knew I was destined for greatness
I looked in a dumpster and saw a wig
And thought, "Hey brother, I'm gon' take this" (Tell 'em, Reba!)
So I put it right on and took a stroll
Right over to 30 Rock (SNL!)
I saw Andy Samberg and he thought I was Reba
And I made him suck my dirty cock
[Andy:]
So there you have it
Two worlds collide
We the new Bonnie and Clyde (Reba!)
From haystacks to Maybachs, our love will survive
Jah, Rastafarianism
Yes I, Ras Trent
Who dem? You no want test me champion sound
Oh fire pon Babylon and fire pon a batty boy
Rude boy living in the shanty dorms
My roommate Nick is an ignorant ball head
Now chant down Babylon midterm essays
Then puff from de chalice
I fi make from a Sprite can
Last week I read a book about Selassie I
Then told my bomboclat parents
I was switching religions
Excuse I, oh hot stepper
You do so many dutty crimes
And plus you're fully skylarking all the time
Unnu look ya now
Have you ever noticed how ball heads suck?
Excuse I for my skanking
Give thanks and praise
Me toil part-time at Jah Cold Stone Creamery
In a dub style
Roller skates, a DVD of Cool Runnings
Murder, She Wrote
Are you there Jah? It's me, Ras Trent
Are you there Jah? It's me, Ras Trent
Are you there Jah? It's me, Ras Trent
Please guide me pon your bike path of righteousness
Oh stannaho, stannaho, stannaho, stannahoy Jah
Fussing and fighting and Zion and Roots
Red Stripe, Shabba, Ragamuffin and culture
These days, a lot a cats is outta line
Seems to me, like they need to get punched
Yeah, but where you gonna punch em?
Yo, the choice is obvious
I'll punch you in the jeans
I'll punch you in the jeans
This is not a case of man vs machine
You think that you're safe, thought you got away clean?
I'll roll up on you smooth and punch you in the jeans
I got my fists clenched, gonna throw a haymaka
Rockin your slacks from here to jaimaica
Shake in your boots, cuz I'm the earthquaka
Bringin those jeans round here was a mistaka
I gotta vendetta, it's against your jeans (yeah)
Gonna put my knuckles up against the seams
They can be on your legs or on the clothesline
But when I see the zipper and cloth, it's go time!
And I'm zeroed in, I got the tunnel vision
Gonna cover you in shit like a ton of pigeons
Man I hate your jeans, I'm gonna bruise that denim
It really doesn't matter as long as you're in em'
Yo we'll punch your jeans, we've said it before
Best believe this is not a metaphor
Better watch your back, cuz we're on the creep
And we won't stop till your jeans are six feet deep!
Man I'll murder your jeans, I'll feed em to the fishes
Heres what I'd do, if I had three wishes
Punch your jeans, on all three counts
It would bring me satisfaction in large amounts
If I had three wishes I would do the same
We see eye to eye in this jean punch game
I'd lay em in a field, where there's chemical sprayin
But I'd punch em first, yo that goes without sayin (yeah)
Acid wash pleats or a nifty cuff
It's just another jean for my fist to stuff
Throwin fistacuffs, eat pants like bag lunches
Jeans pronounced dead
Cause of death?
Hecka punches!
Yo we'll punch your jeans, we've said it before
Best believe this is not a metaphor
You got somethin to say, we got the proper retorts
Beat your jeans so bad that they'll wish they were shorts
Gonna revise your Levi's with physical harm
Put divets in the rivets with my physical arm
Gonna beat those jeans, gonna dip em in slime
Turn your 501s into 499s
When I punch a jean I like to imagine a face
The fly is the nose and the balls are the base of the face
You got taste and it shows my man
God damn your jean brand got me throwin my hands
Gonna go back in time, find the man who made jeans
And choke him to death, if you know what I mean
Yo I know what you mean, so keep your jeans on a hush
Breakout, before you get bumrushed
Yo we'll punch your jeans, we've said it before
Best believe this is not a metaphor
So take off your jeans, and reverse the curse
Cuz we the best jean punchers in the universe
(It really doesn't matter as long as you're in em')
Featuring: The Lonely Island
Dude you're pretty swoll have you been working out? Uh yeah, why are you looking? Oh no, not like that man, I mean, no homo. Ohhh no homo. Cool
When you want to compliment a friend (no homo)
But you don't want that friendship to end (no homo)
So tell a dude just how you feel (no homo)
Say 'no homo' so he knows the deal (no homo)
Hey yo man you got a fresh style (no homo)
And you know you got the best smile (no homo)
Your girlfriend is a lucky lady (no homo)
But your looks would make a handsome baby (no homo)
I like the way your shoulders fill out that shirt (no homo)
It's hard to pull off but you make it work (no homo)
Hey yo I kinda like your natural scent (no homo)
Hey yo I kinda like the musical Rent (no homo)
Man I cant decide who wore it best (no homo)
But I'm feeling Diane Keaton's vest (no homo)
I admit it I'm a fashionista (no homo)
and I know every line of Mystic Pizza (no homo)
and yo damn this rose is something special (no homo)
damn we should goof around and wrestle (no homo)
lets hit the hot tub and take a dump (no homo)
we're all friends ain't no room for trunks (no homo)
Yeah man I'm really feeling buzzed right now (no homo)
Are you really feeling buzzed right now? (no homo)
Yo we should watch this gay porno tape (no homo)
but as a joke because we're all straight (no homo)
man you could wash laundry on those abs (no homo)
Yo I think girls look good in drag (no homo)
Hey yo I've been thinking about posing nude (no homo)
Hey yo I've been thinking about fuckin a dude (no homo)
Or we could 3-way 69 (no homo)
Or human centipede in a line (no homo)
Or some doctor could be hella fun ( no homo)
Or yeah man I could do this one (no homo)
Hey yo no homo but I wanna dress up like Dorothy
and butt fuck a dude but I'm 69's morsey(?)
Yeah no homo but I wish I lived in Ancient Greece
to gave young socrates the illful release
Hey no homo but today I'm coming out the closet
and I scream it from the mountains like a gay prophet
those two words have set me free (no homo)
Featuring: Natalie Portman , Chris Parnell
We're sitting here today with film star Natalie Portman
Hello, so Natalie, what's the day
In life of Natalie Portman like?
Do you really wanna know? Please, tell us
I don't sleep motherfucker off that yak and Durban
Doin' one twenty, gettin' head while I'm swervin'
Damn Natalie, you a crazy chick
Yo, shut the fuck up and suck my dick
I bust in dudes mouth like gushers motherfucker
Roll up on NBC and smack the shit outta Jeff Zucker
What you want, Natalie? To drink and fight
What you need, Natalie? To fuck all night
Don't test when I'm crazy on that airplane glue
Put my foot down your throat till you shit in my shoe
Leave you screaming, pay for my dry cleaning
Fuck your man, it's my name that he's screamin'
I'm sorry Natalie, but are we to believe you
Condone driving while intoxicated?
I never said I was a role model
What about the kids that look up to you?
Do you have a message for them?
All the kids lookin' up to me can suck my dick
It's Portman motherfucker, drink till I'm sick
Slit your throat and poor nitrous down the hole
Watch you laugh and cry while I laugh you die
And all the dudes you know I'm talkin' to you
We love you Natalie, I wanna fuck you too
P is for Portman, P is for pussy
I'll kill your fuckin' dog for fun, so don't push me
Well, Natalie I'm surprised
All this from a Harvard graduate
Well, there's a lot you may not know about me
Really? Such as?
When I was in Harvard I smoked weed every day
I cheated every test and snorted all the yay
I gotta a def posse and you gotta bunch of dudes
I sit right down on your face and take a shit
Natalie, you are a bad ass bitch, hell yeah
And I always pay for your dry cleanin'
When my shit gets in your shoe, what?
And as for the drug use, well I can vouch for that
My dick is scared of you, girl
Okie-dokie, one final question
If you can steal a smooch from
Any guy in Hollywood, who would it?
My pants
Why does everyone make fun of my pants?
They're just pants, why not give 'em a chance? (chance)
I like the fit
I like the cut
I like the way they make me look when I strut (strut)
I'm just being me
My name is Lance
So everybody stop makin fun of my pants
Featuring: The Lonely Island
okay,
My mic sounds nice check one
My mic sounds nice check two
My mic sounds nice check three
My mic sounds nice check four
My mic sounds nice check five
My mic sounds nice check six
Featuring: The Lonely Island
Andy Samberg: Oh dang.
Justin Timberlake: What is it dawg?
Andy Samberg: I forgot it's Mothers Day.
Justin Timberlake: Didn't get a gift for her.
Andy Samberg: Other plans got in the way. She'll be so disappointed.
Justin Timberlake: Damn I forgot it too.
Andy Samberg: This could have been avoided.
What the hell are we gonna do?
Justin Timberlake: My moms been so forlorn ever since my daddy left.
Andy Samberg: Cold.
Justin Timberlake: No one to hold her tight. Life has put her to the test.
Andy Samberg: I know just what you mean, my moms been so sad and gray.
Justin Timberlake: Word
Andy Samberg: My dad can't satisfy her in the bedroom ever since he passed away.
Both: Hold up!
Andy Samberg: You thinkin what I'm thinkin?
Justin Timberlake: I'm thinkin I'm thinkin too.
Both: Slow up!
Andy Samberg: What time is it dawg?
Justin Timberlake: It's time for a switcharoo
Both: We both love our moms, women with grown women needs
I say we break em off
Show em how much they really mean
Cause...
I'm a Mother Lover
You're a Mother Lover
We should fuck each others mothers
Both: Fuck each others moms
Pushin' that place that you came out as a baby
Aint no doubt that shit is crazy
Both: Fuckin' each others moms
Cause every Mothers Day needs a Mothers Night
If doing it is wrong, I don't wanna be right
I'm callin on you cause I can't do it myself
To me you're like a brother, so be my mother lover
Andy Samberg: I'm layin in the cut waitin' for your mom clutchin' on this lube and roses
Justin Timberlake: I got my digital camera, I'm gonna make your momma do a million poses
Andy Samberg: They will be so surprised
Justin Timberlake: We are so cool and thoughtful
Andy Samberg: Can't wait to pork your mom
Justin Timberlake: I'm gonna be the syrup, she can be my waffle
Both: Sho nuff!
Justin Timberlake: My mother loves bubble bath with chamomile
Both: Straight up!
Andy Samberg: Give it to my mom d - d- d - d- d - d - doggystyle
Justin Timberlake: This the perfect plan
Andy Samberg: For a perfect Mothers Day
Justin Timberlake: They have to rename this one
Both: All up under the covers day
Cause I'm a Mother Lover
You're a Mother Lover
We should fuck each others mothers
Justin Timbrlake: Fuck each others moms
I'm pushin that lady
Where you came out as a baby
Aint no doubt that shit is crazy
Justin Timbrlake: Fuckin' each others moms
Andy Samberg: Break it down
Andy Samberg: It would be my honor to be your new step-father
Justin Timberlake: It would be my honor to be your new step-father
Andy Samberg: While your in my mother make me another brother. And I'm in your mother I'll never use a rubber
Justin Timberlake: OH!
Cause every Mothers Day needs a Mothers Night
If doing it is wrong, I don't wanna be right
I'm callin on you cause I can't do it myself
To me you're like a brother, so be my mother lover
They blessed us both with the gift of life
She brought you in this world so Imma sex her right
This is the second best idea that we've ever had
The choice can be no other
(I'm ready now, I'm ready to fuck now)
I go down to the ocean
I take a walk upon your shores
I dig up a big ol' hairy clam
And then take out the pearl
Cause it's a metaphor
I'll marinate your flank steak
I'll bread your jumbo shrimp
I'll take your little brother to the zoo
And I'll marinate your flank steak
Cause it's a metaphor for fuckin
It's a metaphor for fuckin
I'll be the lounge band on your cruise ship
I'll fuck you with my dick
I'll put my magic wand inside your... car
Then I'll marinate your flank steak
Cause it's a metaphor for flank steak
It's a metaphor for flank steak
Flank steak is delicious
Wish I was eatin it right now
And every time that I see one
Wanna titty fuck the flank steak
Cause it's a metaphor for fuckin flank steak
Yeah it's a metaphor for fuckin flank steak
This one goes out
From the bottom of our hearts
To the most important lady in our lives
It's time to pay some respect
I hope you proud of us
'Cause we're proud of you
Mama!
You raised me right
Mama!
Showed me the light
Mama!
Through pain and strife
Mama!
You gave us life
When I fell down you were there to pick me up
When I felt bad you were there to build me up
Gave everything you had in the world to me
And you made me the man I'm supposed to be
Jane, even though I don't say it often enough
I appreciate everything you did for us
Never take you for granted 'cause it ain't hard to see
The best parts of you are now a part of me
Ah Mama
And when it was cold outside you kept us warm and held us down...
[Mom]Hi boys, who wants a snack?
[Andy] MOM, GET OUT WE'RE IN THE STUDIO!
[Jorma] OH MY GOD!
[Mom] Just checking on my guys!
[Jorma] GET OUT OF HERE!
[Andy] WE'RE MAKING A TRACK YOU IDIOT!
[Mom] Oooohhh!
[Andy] JUST LEAVE!
[Mom] Okie doke
[Jorma] GO! GO!
[Andy] YOU SUCK, MOM!
Yeah my one true love, my heart, my ma
Show her respect in the form of this song
So when life gets hard and it makes you cry
I'll always be there to wipe a tear from your eye
My mom's my number one fan, my best friend
And I'll never disrespect...
*Door opens*
[Jorma] MOM!
[Mom] I know you said you were'nt hungry, but I made ants on a log
[Andy] GET THE FUCK OUT
[Jorma] LEAVE! LEAVE ME! GO!
[Mom] So how's your little club going?
[Andy] IT'S NOT A CLUB!
[Jorma] IT'S A RAP GROUP!
[Mom] Well I'll leave these here and eat them if you...
[Jorma] FINE!
[Andy] GO TO HELL, MOM!
She's an angel on earth with invisible wings
I put no one above in summer, winter or spring, or fall...
*Door opens*
[Mom] Have you guys seen the remote?
[Andy] OH MY GOD!
[Jorma] LEAVE US ALONE!
[Andy] FUCK YOU MOM!
[Jorma] LEAVE US ALONE!
*window smashes*
[Mom] Watch it
[Andy] I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE!
Jump in front of a bullet if it could save my mom
You got a [?] bullet 'cause she will never see harm...
*Door opens*
[Mom] Nevermind, I found it
*They all scream/shout/glass smashes*
['Dale'] Laura, everything ok?
[Andy] SHUT THE FUCK UP DALE!
[Jorma] SHUT UP!
[Mom] Hey! Be nice to Dale
[Andy] FUCK DALE!
[Jorma] FUCK DALE!
[Andy] I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAVE SEX WITH THAT GUY!
This goes out to all the mamas
Trying to protect their kids from drama
Love was your goal to bring(?)
No matter what they say, you're beautifull
So push them lighters in the sky
Wave 'em back from side to side
And if you feel lost and alone
Let our voices guide you home
[Mom] Is something burning down there?
Mr. Samberg Thanks for coming to your performance review
No problem
So you're in charge around here, is that fair to say?
Absolutely, I'm the boss
Okay, so take us through a day in the life of the boss
Well the first thing I do is...
Talk to to corporate (like a boss)
Approve memos (like a boss)
Lead a workshop (like a boss)
Remember birthdays (like a boss)
Direct workflow (like a boss)
My own bathroom (like a boss)
Micromanage (like a boss)
Promote Synergy (like a boss)
Hit on Debra (like a boss)
Get rejected (like a boss)
Swallow sadness (like a boss)
Send some faxes (like a boss)
Call a sex line (like a boss)
Cry deeply (like a boss)
Demand a refund (like a boss)
Eat a bagel (like a boss)
Harrassment lawsuit (like a boss)
No promotion (like a boss)
Fifth of vodka (like a boss)
Shit on Debra's desk (like a boss)
Buy a gun (like a boss)
In my mouth (like a boss)
Oh fuck man I can't fucking do it... shit!
Pussy out (like a boss)
Puke on Debra's desk (like a boss)
Jump out the window (like a boss)
Suck a dude's dick (like a boss)
Score some coke (like a boss)
Crash my car (like a boss)
Suck my own dick (like a boss)
Eat some chicken strips (like a boss)
Chop my balls off (like a boss)
Black out in the sewer (like a boss)
Meet a giant fish (like a boss)
Fuck its brains out (like a boss)
Turn into a jet (like a boss)
Bomb the Russians (like a boss)
Crash into the sun (like a boss)
Now I'm dead (like a boss)
Uh huh. So that's an average day for you then?
No doubt
You chop your balls off and die?
Hell yeah
And I think at one point there you said something about sucking your own dick
Nope!
Actually I'm pretty sure you did
Nah, that ain't me
Okay, well this has been eye opening for me
I'm the boss
Yeah, no I got that. You said it about four-hundred times
I'm the boss
Yeah yeah I got it!
I'm the boss
No I heard you, see ya later
Lazy Sunday, wake up in the late afternoon.
Call Parnell just to see how hes doin.
Hello?
What up, Parns?
Yo Samberg, whats crackin?
You thinking what Im thinkin?
NARNIA.
Man, its happenin.
But first my hunger pains are stickin like duct tape.
Lets hit up Magnolia and mack on some cupcakes.
No doubt that bakerys got all da bomb frostins.
I love those cupcakes like McAdams loves Gosling.
Two, no six, no twelve, BAKERS DOZEN.
I told you that Im crazy for these cupcakes, cousin.
Yo, wheres the movie playin?
Upper west side, dude.
Well, lets hit up Yahoo Maps to find the dopest route.
I prefer Map Quest.
Thats a good one, too.
Google Maps is the best.
True that.
DOUBLE TRUE.
68th and Broadway.
Step on it, sucka.
What you wanna do, Chris?
SNACK ATTACK, MOTHERFUCKER
Its the Chronic (what?)
Cles of Narnia
Yes, the Chronic (what?)
Cles of Narnia
We love that Chronic (what?)
Cles of Narnia
Pass that Chronic (what?)
Cles of Narnia
Yo, stop at the deli.
The theaters over-priced.
Youve got the backpack?
Gonna pack it up nice.
Dont want security to get suspicious.
Mr. Pibb and Red Vines equals CRAZY DELICIOUS!
Ill reach in my pocket, pull out some dough.
Girl actin like she never seen a $10 before.
Its all about the Hamiltons, baby.
Throw the snacks in a bag and Im ghost like Swayze.
Roll up to the theater.
Ticket buying, what were handlin.
You can call us Aaron Burr.
From the way were droppin Hamiltons.
Now parked in our seats.
Movie trivias the illest.
Which Friends alum starred in films with Bruce Willis?
We answered so fast it was scary
Everyone stared in awe when we screamed Matthew Perry.
Now quiet in the theater or its gonna get tragic.
Were bout to get taken to a dream world of magic with
the Chronic (what?)
Cles of Narnia
Yes, the Chronic (what?)
Cles of Narnia
We love that Chronic (what?)
Cles of Narnia
Pass that Chronic (what?)
Listen, listen!
Here we go downtown
Oh boy
Oh, I gotta go all around
You can't stop
Feel the pull
You can't stay, won't stay away
Ka-Blamo!
You just won the lottery - that's ka-blamo!
You kissed Shannen Doherty - that's ka-blamo!
You joined a sorority - that's ka-blamo!
You lied about the lottery - not ka-blamo!
You met Fred Segal at a debutante's ball
You gave him your number, he gave you a call
He told you to meet him at the corner at eight
You met him at nine, that's right, you were late
You stupid idiot, you don't know what you missed
Fred Segal's a star, and you called diss
His pimping-ass, cooling-ass, mack-ass building
With iggidy-ivy on the wall but not around the lettering
You dissed Fred Segal, and everybody knows
Ha ha ha ha ha! You're not ka-blamo!
The doc fixed your artery - that's ka-blamo!
Your mouthwash is gargly - that's ka-blamo!
Your water is watery - that's ka-blamo!
I majored in pottery - not ka-blamo!
You're chillin with your dudes and they stab you in the face
On the way to the hospital you're bleedin all over the place
Your leg is amputated cause you got gangrene
And then you get cancer and you die in your teens
But then this really pretty girl who you always really liked
Shows up to your funeral and that's a real mixed blessing
Your jello is wobbly - that's ka-blamo!
You met Gilbert Gottfried - that's ka-blamo!
You're Harlem Globetrottery - that's ka-blamo!
You wash the disorderlies - not ka-blamo!
When you're mining for coal and you forget what coal is
And you're sure to be fired, because that's your job
When a mole's in your ass and you wonder where the mole is
You're screwed man, a mole is in your ass... job
The meaning of life is revealed to you
And all of the drinks are old English brew
Your whim is the word of the people on earth
But the whole mole-in-the-ass thing is haunting you... earth
When your fluids are bodily
That's ka-blamy!
What happened to ka-blamo?
I mean ka-blamo!
Good, that's better
That's ka-blamy!
Wait, I'm confused...
We said ka-blamo!
Just two guys and we're having a good time.
Having a good time.
Having a good time.
Just two guys and we're having a good time.
Having a good time.
Having a good time.
We'll burn the roof off.
This party's going off.
You think that we're soft?
You get tossed.
Guy number 1!
I like to dance.
Fancy feet move, putting you in a trance!
It's a friends thing.
Friends are everywhere.
In the kitchen, the den, hanging out on the stairs.
Spinach dip.
Real hot chick.
Spike the punch.
And take a sip.
Guy number 2, here.
To chill with you.
P-A-R-T-Y 'cause we got to.
I like playing games in the pool.
Who invited Steve?
That dude's a cunt.
Just two guys who are having a good time.
Having a good time.
Having a good time.
Just two guys who are having a good time.
Having a good time.
Having a good time.
Now, everyone in the house say "Guy number 1"
Guy number 1!
Now, everyone in the house say "Guy number 2"
Guy number 2!
Dude, quit tripping.
You're ruining my high.
My loaded gun makes you reach for the sky.
There's a knock on the door.
Who can that be?
Why won't the cops let our party be?
Who would you like to be shot?
Me and my friend smoke pot.
No jocks.
No jerks.
Just fun with girls.
Having fun guy 1?
The most fun in the world!
We're just two guys who are having a good time.
Having a good time.
Having a good time.
We're just two guys who are having a good time.
Having a good time.
Having a good time.
We're just two guys who are having a good time.
Having a good time.
Having a good time.
We're just two guys who are having a good time.
Having a good time.
Having a good time.
Party over here!
Party over here!
Party over here!
Lock eyes from across the room
Down my drink while the rhythms boom
Take your hand and skip the names
No need here for the silly games
Make our way through the smoke and crowd
The club is the sky and I'm on your cloud
Move in close as the lasers fly
Our bodies touch and the angels cry
Leave this place, go back to yours
Our lips first touch outside your doors
A whole night what we've got in store
Whisper in my ear that you want some more
And I jizz in my pants
This really never happens, you can take my word
I won't apologize, that's just absurd
Mainly your fault for the way that you dance
And now I jizz in my pants
Don't tell your friends or I'll say you're a slut
Plus it's your fault, you were rubbing my butt
I'm very sensitive, some would say that's a plus
Now I'll go home and change
I need a few things from the grocery
Do things alone now mostly
Left me heart-broken, not lookin' for love
Surprised in my eyes when I looked above
The checkout counter and I saw a face
My heart stood still, so did time and space
Never thought that I could feel real again
But the look in her eyes said, "I need a friend"
She turned to me, that's when she said it
Looked me dead in the face asked, "Cash or Credit?"
And I jizzed in my pants
It's perfectly normal, nothing wrong with me
But we're going to need a clean-up on Aisle 3
And now I'm posed in an awkward stance
Because I jizzed in my pants
To be fair you were flirting a lot
Plus the way you bag cans got me bothered and hot
Please stop acting like you're not impressed
One more thing, I'm gonna pay by check
Last week I saw a film
As I recall it was a horror film
Walked outside into the rain
Checked my phone and saw you rang
And I jizzed in my pants
Speeding down the street when the red lights flash
Need to get away, need to make a dash
A song comes on that reminds me of you
And I jizz in my pants
The next day my alarm goes off
And I jizz in my pants
Open my window and a breeze rolls in
And I jizz in my pants
When Bruce Willis was dead at the end of Sixth Sense
I jizzed in my pants
I just ate a grape
And I jizzed in my pants
I went to the, jizzed in my pants
(Okay, seriously you guys, can we? Okay?)
I jizz right in my pants every time you're next to me
And when we're holding hands it's like having sex to me
You say I'm premature, I just call it ecstasy
I wear a rubber at all times, it's a necessity
'Cause I jizz in my pants
(I jizz, yes, I jizz in my pants)
(Yes, I jizz in my pants, yes, I jizz in my pants)
Yes, I jizz in my pants
Featuring: The Lonely Island
Whoa!
I can't believe we're in Japan!
Look at all the lights!
The food!
The people!
Wow!
We're three cool white friends in Japan (Japan!)
We've never been to Japan
So we wrote a song about the three of us in Japan
And our label has to pay for it
Here we are at our five star hotel
The one from LOST IN TRANSLATION (In Japan!)
The views are amazing
And their champagne waiting
Because that's how we wrote it (Yummy!)
And now the label has to pay for the video (yay!)
And pay for everything that we say (no matter what!)
For example I'll be getting a massage right now
And I'll be drinking some sake (So expensive!) (Who cares?)
Here we are at the most expensive sushi restaurant in Japan (mmm!)
And now we're at Tokyo Disneyland
And now we're in Hawaii for one random shot that our label has to pay for!
Cause we're three cool white friends in Japan (In Asia!)
The fact that we're white isn't why we're friends
But we are white, and we're friends (In Japan)
At this point in the video we'll be super drunk (WEEEE!)
Standing near some kind of Dragon
And then we'll buy some stinky used girls panties
Out of one of those pervert vending machines
Now we've seen sumo wrestling live
Unless we get dropped by our label
Cause we're three white douchebags in Japan (That's us!)
It's all part of our master plan
To get some much needed R&R;
At the expense of Universal Records
Wow Look at all this Japanese money
It's called Yen
I heard it's worth more than American money
Let's dump it in the river!
(phone rings)
Moshi Moshi
Guys it's the label
This video's really expensive and-
BYE!!
Pokemon!
Dump it in the River!
Our rental car!
Dump it in the River!
This old guy!
Dump him in the river!
Hello... brodies... welcome... thanks for comin, uh
This would be the second annual Incredibad Jalarpeсo Eatoff
Uh, we've got some fierce competitors today starting with myself, Samboni
To my left is the infamous Broseph Stalin
And wrapping things up will be J-to-the-Orgustavson
So uh, without further ado, the Communist law will be laid down by Broseph Stalin
Broseph, uh, the floor is yours
Here I come
There I go
Broseph Stalin off that jalarpeсo
Uh oh!
It's gettin hot and spicy
I eat 'em raw
You take 'em breaded lightly
Filled with cream cheese
Sex symbol
I eat all them jalapeсos for the hammersicle
Alright, that was Broseph Stalin, rippin it up
Next up you're gonna hear something from me, Samboni
Hold on to your hats, cause I love jalarpeсos
I'm a sucker for bong blows and college frat bros (yeah)
Passed out hoes, bros, and jalapeсos
Jalapeсos, hotter than pepperoncinis, you know
Samboni eat 'em fast, the others be eatin slow (yeah)
There was an old lady who lived in a shoe
Had so many jalapeсos, didn't know what to do
And she said: "It's gettin hot in herre, so eat jalapeсos"
All my amigos eat jalapeсos, uh oh! (yeah)
Okay, it's me, Samboni
That was my verse, I thought it was pretty solid
But, we got a real treat for ya
Even though me and the other bros have been eatin a lotta jalars
This last guy eats the most
He goes by the name of J-to-the-Orgustavson, and he's gonna blow your mindballs
Hi kids, do you like violence?
Wanna see me eat jalarpeсos til they're popping out my eyelids?
You wanna eat the most and win the contest, just like I did?
Well you can't, and if you someone told you could, well then they lied-ed
Ninety percent of my life, I been lied to
Like Broseph tryin to say he eats more jalapies than I do?
And Samboni goes...
Nothing, you idiots!
His mouth is closed, full of jalarpeсos
But if you feel like I feel, I got the antidote:
Women wave your pantyhose, eat your jalapenios
Cause I'm J-to-the-Orgustavson, the real J-to-the-Orgustavson
Okay, alright, no that was solid stuff
Uh, I wanna thank everyone for comin out
Uh, with the possible exception of J-to-the-Orgustavson, who we all despise
But lookit, uh, there are no losers here today, only winners
And by that of course I mean myself
Uh, see you next year at the old Incredibad Jalarpeсo Eatoff-ah
This is Samboni, sayin goodbye, yeah
Samboni
Featuring: Michael Bolton
Secretary: Guys, Michael Bolton is here
Oh Great, send him in.
Michael Bolton: Hey guys.
Hey, hi, thanks for coming
Michael Bolton: Sorry I'm late, I got caught up watching that Pirates of the Carribean marathon. Have you
seen those things?
Oh yeah, yeah, those are, those are great.
Michael Bolton: Well, I checked out the track and I loved it. And I wrote you this big sexy hook I think
you're really gonna dig.
Oh wow that's great, awesome. Should we just lay it down?
Michael Bolton: Boys, lets get to it.
Whisper: Here we go.
Ungh, Lonely Island, Michael Bolton
YEAAAHH!
The night starts now
Together on the track, the boys are back
The night starts now
Night starts now baby roll with us, chickens snapping at the neck when we rollin' up.
ROLLIN' UP
Blow through the doors ain't no holdin' up
YEAH
Black card at the bar like I gives a fuck.
COME ON
Ladies shifty eyed when we walk into the set, fuck the fellas looking jealous play the back and get wet
YEAH YEAH
Three pound in my waist, shank in my sock, you either get cut, get stuffed or get shot.
THIS IS THE TALE OF CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW, PIRATE SO BRAVE ON THE SEVEN SEAS
What?
A MYSTICAL QUEST TO THE ISLE OF TORTUGA, RAVEN LOCKS SWAY ON THE OCEAN'S
BREEZE.
Yeah that was kinda weird, but we're back in the club
Buying up the bar so the groupies show us love
KIERA KNIGHTLY
Motherfucking ice-man, I'm the top gunner
Heater on blast, I'm the number one stunner
JACK SPARROW
Watch it girl cause I ain't your "Mr. Nice Guy",
More like the "meet ya take you home and fuck you twice guy"
YEAH YEAH!
All dressed up with nowhere to run,
And now I make you feel crazy with the�
NOW BACK TO THE GOOD PART:
FROM THE DAY HE WAS BORN, HE YEARNED FOR ADVENTURE
Nooo
OLD CAPTAIN JACK GIVING THEM WHAT FOR.
HE'S THE PAUPER OF THE SURF
(yeah�uh huh)
THE JESTER OF TORTUGA
(oh God)
BUT IS DAVY JONES' LOCKER WHAT LIES IN STORE?
Yeah, we've seen the movie
Throw your hands in the air and say hell yeah, come on
CAPTAIN JACK
What?
JOHNNY DEPP
From the front to the back say we count stacks come on
DAVY JONES
Nope
GIANT SQUID
Wrong
Michael Bolton we're really gonna need you to focus up
ROGER THAT LET ME TRY IT WITH ANOTHER FILM
Wait--
LIFE IS A BOX OF CHOCOLATES AND MY NAME IS FORREST GUMP
(Not better)
THOUGH I'M NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED, I GIVE JENNY ALL OF MY LOVE
(Come on!)
OK THEN I'M A LEGAL AIDE, ERIN BROCKOVICH IS MY NAME
(Nooo, God)
THEN YOU CAN CALL ME SCARFACE, SNORTIN MOUNTAINS OF COCAINE
(close enough)
YOU COCKROACHES WANNA PLAY ROUGH? OKAY, I'M RELOADED
THIS IS THE TALE OF TONY MONTANYA
CUBANO FLAME, WITH THE MIAMI NUTS
(Take it home!)
GOT A BASEHEAD WIFE, BUT HER WOMB IS POLLUTED
THIS WHOLE TOWN'S A PUSSY, JUST WAITING TO GET FUCKED!
Ooookay, turns out Michael Bolton is a major cinephile
YOU COMPLETE ME!
Hey, what's up man?
Oh, not much, dude. Hey, are you ready for the party tonight?
Yeah, man... already got a case of santana champagne so it should be good.
Oh, nice.
Yeah that's good.
- hello!
Oh shit, oh man, don't make eye contact.
- ding dong, normal guy in the house!
Hey, man.
- oh, it's great seeing you other normal guys!
Oh yeah, uh huh.
- what are you guys up to?
Oh, not much.
- hey, what are you other normal guys up to?
Seriously, nothing we're just hanging out.
- do you you guys know what I hate?
What?
- hanging out with a weirdo!
- hanging out with some loser weirdo!
- it's my biggest peeve!
Yeah, well...
- it's like they don't even know where we're coming from!
- I can't stand it when some weirdo shows up unannounced!
Okay, well...
- there's nothing wrong with any of us!
- none of us have any major problems!
Aw, man.
- hey, let's make a pact!
What?
- let's make a suicide pact!
Uh, no that's...
- I'll go first.
Here we go downtown
(Garbled)... all around
You can't stop (garbled)
KA-BLAMO!
You just won the lottery
That's ka-blamo!
You kissed Shannon Doherty
That's ka-blamo!
You joined a sorority
That's ka-blamo!
You lied about the lottery
NOT ka-blamo!
You met Fred Segal at a debutante's ball
You gave him your number, he gave you a call
He told you to meet him at the corner at eight
You met him at nine, that's right, you were late
You stupid idiot, you don't know what you missed
Fred Segal's a star, and you called dis
His pimping-ass cooling-ass Mack-ass building
With the ivy on the walls but not around the lettering
You dissed Fred Segal, and everybody knows
(Ha ha ha ha ha) You're not ka-blamo.
The doc fixed your arteries
That's ka-blamo!
Your mouthwash is gargly
That's ka-blamo!
Your water is watery
That's ka-blamo!
I majored in pottery
NOT KABLAMO.
You're chilling with your dudes and then they stab you in the face
On the way to the hospital you're bleeding all over the place
Your leg is amputated 'cause you got gangrene
And then you get cancer and you die in your teens
But then this really pretty girl who you always really liked
Shows up to your funeral and that's a real mixed blessing.
Your jello is wobbly
That's ka-blamo!
You met Gilbert God-fer-y
That's ka-blamo!
You're Harlem Globetrotter-y
That's ka-blamo!
You watch the disorderlies
NOT ka-blamo!
When you're mining for coal and you forget what coal is
And you're sure to be fired, because that's your job!
When a mole's in your ass and you wonder where the mole is
You're screwed man, a mole is in your ass.
The meaning of life is revealed to you
And all of the drinks are old English brew
Your whim is the word of the people on earth
But the whole "mole in the ass" thing is haunting you.
When your fluids are bodily
That's ka-blammy
What happened to ka-blamo?
I mean ka-blamo!
Good, that's better.
That's ka-blammy!
Wait, I'm confused.
We said ka-blamo!
Hey, lonely lady with the big brown eyes
I'm thinking you're sadder than you realize
I could make you smile and feel a little more related
We really click, would it be so wrong if we just dated?
Let goooo... jump on my skateboard, eat some cake, along the lake
Do all your favorite stuff right off the cuff cause we're spontaneous
Let's hop a bus to shop, we'll check out Filene's, and get chunky jewelry at Chico's
I'll buy you a panini, and some Spanks to make you teeny
You're the lady with the big brown eyes
You got the Motherload
You've got the mother load
You've got the stuff I like
Everytime I'm with you babe,
I just get psyched
Like bling in your mouth but it's just old fillings
Dry skin on your hands, and your fuck so cracked
Like...
(Mumbling)
Sittin on ur bed with your jacked up back
Hey girl, I want to watch you do you pilates, and skip the hard part
Cuz baby, you've got the mother load
Put me in a outfit from the GAP like that. One that matches
With the jacket and the cap like that
Then slap me in the stroller with the bounce like that
With the bottle full of milk that's 40 ounce like that
I'm your b-baby lady
I wanna push you in the buggy
I'm your b-baby lady,
I wanna hold you like a Snuggie
You're my baby, lady
And I'm your lady, baby
It's time to roll
They say true love only comes once in a lifetime
And even though were from opposite ends of the earth, my heart tells me your the one for me.
Mahmoud.
I remember when it started, saw you on the news,
You were hatin' gays, I was eatin' food.
But I was feelin' you, even though I disagreed with almost everythin' you said
You ain't wrong to me, so strong to me, you belong to me,
Like a very hairy Jake Gyllenhaal to me.
Mahmoud, make my heart beat right out of my chest
My heart says no but my body says yes
Nuclear threat, the only threat I see
Is the threat of you not comin' home with me
Our love for each other's like when atoms collide
Can't express how I feel
Ay yo Adam let's ride
And Iran, Iran so far away
Is your home, but in my heart you'll stay
He ran, for the president of Iran
We ran together to a tropical island
My Man, Mahmoud is known for rilin'
Smiling, if he can still do it then I can
They call you weasel, they say your methods are medieval
You can play the Jews I can be your Jim Caviezel
S&M;, nestlin' when we're wrestlin'
You can be the port that I park my vessel in
So I try to mute the tv but you can still see me
With your sleepy brown eyes, butter pecan thighs
And your hairy but...
Yeah.
And Iran, Iran so far away
Come home, and in my arms you'll stay
Used to at the stars and dream
Round the world same stars were seen
And a twinkle in your eyes Mahmoud
Talk smooth to me, without a tie
Your pants high waisted, damn so fly
We can take a trip to the animal zoo
And laugh at all the funny things that animals do
Like Eugene (Levy) you got me straight trippin' boo
Hope you look in my eyes and say I'm trippin' too
You say Iran don't have the bomb but they already do
You should know by know, it's you
And Iran, Iran so far away
Is your home, but in my heart you'll stay
Your crazy for this one Mahmoud
You can deny the holocaust all you want
But you can't deny ther's something between us
I know you say there's no gays in Iran
But you're in New York now baby
It's time to stop hiding,
Featuring: T PAIN
Oh shit, get your towels ready
It's about to go down
Everybody in the place hit the fucking deck
But stay on your motherfucking toes
We running this, let's go
I'm on a boat, I'm on a boat
Everybody look at me
'Cause I'm sailing on a boat
I'm on a boat, I'm on a boat
Take a good hard look
At the motherfucking boat
I'm on a boat motherfucker, take a look at me
Straight flowing on a boat on the deep blue sea
Busting five knots, wind whipping out my coat
You can't stop me motherfucker, 'cause I'm on a boat
Take a picture, trick, I'm on a boat, bitch
We drinking Santana champ 'cause it's so crisp
I got my swim trunks and my flippie-floppies
I'm flipping burgers, you at Kinko's
Straight flipping copies
I'm riding on a dolphin, doing flips and shit
This dolphin's splashing, getting everybody all wet
But this ain't Seaworld, this is real as it gets
I'm on a boat, motherfucker, don't you ever forget
I'm on a boat and it's going fast and
I got a nautical themed, Pashmina Afghan
I'm the king of the world, on a boat like Leo
If you're on the shore, then you're sure not me, oh
Get the fuck up, this boat is real
Fuck land, I'm on a boat, motherfucker
Fuck trees, I climb buoys, motherfucker
I'm on the deck with my boys, motherfucker
This boat engine make noise, motherfucker
Hey ma, if you could see me now
Arms spread wide on the starboard bow
Gonna fly this boat to the moon somehow
Like Kevin Garnett, anything is possible
Yeah, never thought I'd be on a boat
It's a big blue watery road
Poseidon, look at me, oh, all hands on deck
Never thought I'd see the day
When a big boat coming my way
Believe me when I say I fucked a mermaid
I'm on a boat, I'm on a boat
Everybody look at me
'Cause I'm sailing on a boat
I'm on a boat, I'm on a boat
Take a good hard look
It all started last week when I went on a date
She was beautiful, blonde hair - I picked her up at eight
I decided to take her to a magic show
My mom said I shouldn't, but what does she know?
"A lobster for my lady friend, cooked extra nice,
And some amaretto afterward would be just right.
Thank you, garзon, this is gonna be magnificent.
Oh! The lights went down, time for the entertainment"
A magician took the stage and sawed a lady in half
I could see her legs - so fake, made me laugh
Then they asked for a volunteer from the audience
I hid my face - no way, leave me out of it!
Next thing I know, my girlie's volunteering for me
She tells me she thinks "men on stage are very sexy"
So I play along, and go up on stage
Hoping that the stunt will get me... ya know!
So now they want to hypnotize me
They'll ring a bell and I'll cluck like a turkey
I say, "Yeah right, do your best.
This whole thing is faker than Pam Anderson's chest"
Big laugh from the audience, they loved that joke
Then appeared the hypnotist in a cloud of smoke
"At the count of three and the sound of a bell
You'll close your eyes and be under my spell
Ready here we go, one two three ding! "
I opened my eyes and... nothing!
But wherever I looked, the crowd wouldn't stop laughing
What had I done to elicit this reaction?
Now hold on y'all, this is the beginning of our story
And I promise later on, it's gonna get gory
So parents, grab your kids and tuck 'em off into bed
Because, I think I might have killed the President!
One week later, I haven't seen the girl since
And I get to school and we're having a field trip
"Class participation is a must"
The sign said Washington DC or bust
First thing on the agenda: the reflecting pool
And it made me remember that America's pretty cool
Then off to the White House for a special tour
Our guide was very knowledgeable in American folklore
She told us about Lincoln and George Washington
And even let us go into the room that they smoked pipes in
"Time to go downstairs, " she called the elevator up
It arrived, I heard a ding!, and felt my eyes shut
I awoke on the floor, the walls felt all curvy
I was soaking wet and my stomach topsy-turvy
I was covered in blood, holding a knife - I dropped it
I looked around, I was in the Oval Office!
What had I done? I couldn't remember a thing!
But then some memories came back to me
I remember finding the President, and stabbing him in the neck
Then, cutting him into little pieces and stuffing him in his desk
Oh me oh my, I didn't mean to!
It must have been that hypnotist and his evil voodoo!
Now, some things are bad, like not paying your rent
But, I think I might have killed the President!
Well it's been a year now, since that fateful event
I framed a hobo to take the cops off my scent
And every time I hear a bell I stab someone in the face
But besides that I'd say that everything is going great
Please learn from my story, don't be a fool
And never let a Communist hypnotize you
Or you might... kill the President!
Hey girl I got somethin' real important to give you
So just sit down and listen
Girl you know we've been together such a long long time
(such a long time)
And now I'm ready to lay it on the line
(Wooow) You know it's Christmas and my heart is open
wide
Gonna give you something so you know what's on my mind
A gift real special, so take off the top
Take a look inside -- it's my dick in a box
Not gonna get you a diamond ring
That sort of gift don't mean anything
Not gonna get you a fancy car
Girl ya gotta know you're my shining star
Not gonna get you a house in the hills
A girl like you needs somethin' real
Wanna get you somethin' from the heart
Somethin' special girl
It's my dick in a box, my dick in a box babe
It's my dick in a box, my dick in a box girl
See I'm wise enough to know when a gift needs givin'
(yeah)
And I got just the one, somethin' to show ya that you
are second to none
To all the fellas out there with ladies to impress
It's easy to do just follow these steps
1: Cut a hole in a box
2: Put your junk in that box
3: Make her open the box
And that's the way you do it
It's my dick in a box... my dick in a box babe
It's my dick in a box, my dick in a box girl
Christmas; dick in a box
Hanukkah; dick in a box
Kwanzaa; a dick in a box
Every single holiday a dick in a box
Over at your parent's house a dick in a box
Mid day at the grocery store a dick in a box
Backstage at the CMA's a dick in a box (yeah-wow-wow-
wow-wow-wow)
I don't know why but today seems like it's gonna be a great day!
There's something in the air that makes me feel like things are gonna go my way
The birds are chirping tweedly-deet, the sun is shining bright!
There's a skip in my step, a pip in my pep [Snort] and I don't know why!
Hey there mailman friend, any letters from my ex-wife or the kids?
Fantastic news, HaHaHaHa!
Wonderful day makes me feel so happy that my face is numb!
My heart is racing along barapa pampam!
So many places and people to meet, now that I've lost my job!
They say "Young man, the world's your oyster"
Hey! Hey get the fuck off me! No! Fuck no!
[Sniffle] Just give me second. [Snort]
I don't know why but today seems like it's gonna be a great day!
Lalala blah blah blah blah I should spend more time with my kids!
It's carpe diem, gotta seize the day, I'm gonna move to Spain and run with the bulls
And my wife and boss and kids and parents will say "We were wrong about you Dennis"
Hey Dennis!
That's my name!
Are you really gonna run with the bulls?
Why would I do that?
Cause you said you were gonna!
Come on man, that was like three days ago - or was it?
Something today makes me feel fine and fancy-free
Much of the ocean is still unexplored, how did I get up in this tree?
Now I'm over here, now I'm over there
Now I'm under this dude, now I'm back in the tree
Now I'm hanging out backstage with my very best friends: Alec Baldwin and Tom Petty!
Get the fuck out of here!
What?
Now.
Tom!
Why would they diss me?
I thought they were my homies! [Snort]
Any problem is solvable, we can feed the hungry and cure disease
But all of that would be a huge waste of time because we live in the matrix.
[Grunts]
What is wrong with him?
[Grunts]
He's on drugs.
Incredibad
We for the children
We for the children, y'all, we for the children
We made it through the struggle
Through the pain and trouble
So we givin somethin back for the children
Party's dyin down, time to drive home
Been drinkin all night, tryin to bone a young lady
She wasn't havin it, made you feel like shit
"Thank you, you're not my type, " and that was it
Now you're drivin home, drunk as fuck
So here's what you do, do not get caught up
Turn the radio off, and chew some gum
Then drive around real good, like you're not drunk
Good luck buddy, sucks to be you
Sucks to be you
Incredibad
We for the children
We for the children, y'all, we for the children
We made it through the struggle
Through the pain and trouble
So we givin somethin back for the children
'Ey yo, you like burritos?
Yo we all like burritos
But here's a little somethin that you might not know about burritos
Shit can get expensive if you buy 'em in bulk (yeah)
So grab a pen and a pad so you don't go broke
Hit a Baja Fresh up witchya bros
Be sure to scoop a Vegetarian Dos Manos
Them shit's a super large for only six twenty-five
So you can have one half now and then re-heat the other half latah
Yeah that's real
I got a half a Dos Manos in the fridge right now
Late payin my bills, thirty-five dollar late fee
And the woman at Wells Fargo won't reverse it for me
She said they make out bills as a courtesy
And payin on time, yo that's my responsibility
I said, "Miss, have heart - I'm dead broke"
She said, "Take it up with your post off-"
Fuck
I hung up the phone, then I hung it up again for emphasis
I swear I didn't get the bill, what kinda shit is this?
A day later, I called Wells Fargo again
Got a different operator, who was really pleasant
Yo fuck, gotta wait for her to come around again
I told her my problem, she understood
She took the late charge and made it all good
So kids, listen to the words that I say:
Always call back, if you get a rude operator
Incredibad
We for the children
We for the children, y'all, we for the children
We made it through the struggle
Through the pain and trouble
So we givin somethin back for the children
I knew a girl named Sandy, turnin sweet sixteen
She had her whole life to live, and lived it for one dream
But on the day of her birth, yo her dreams got shattered
When she got a Volvo instead of the Miata she wanted
But then two days later, when she came out of her room
She drove the Volvo around and realized it was way more practical than the Miata
Four doors, leather seats
Listen up young ones, open your ears
Incredibad is teachin what we learned through the years
Hey girl
I don't mean no harm, but
You do somethin to me
I'm not sure quite what it is yet, but
Gettin a pretty good read on it at this point
I'm - it's gonna come to me
What is it exactly that you do
Oh god yeah, we gotta dance
Dance (uh)
Dance dance dance dance dance dance dance
Dance with me
Dance
Dance on the floor
Dance!
The club is packed like a sandwich
All types of people, like ham and swiss
Lettuce and tomato, toasted bread
Bite down, taste the rhythm
Thank goodness we're finally here at the club
Man, what a great-looking crop of people
The fact that they worked all week really adds to the meaning behind their dancing
My boss yelled at me? - Take this dance move!
The copier broke down - but tonight you're a star!
I don't care what your name is
I don't care where you went to college
I hate your outfit and your face
Now everybody dance!
Dance dance dance dance dance dance dance
Dance dance dance dance dance dance dance
Your jam's on
The jimmy jam song
This is your time to get your jimmy jam on
Hey jimmy
It's jimmy jam
Time to slam bam
It's your jimmy jam
World beat - whores in rhythm
Africa - no man's land
South America - fruits and coconuts
Europe - you have no idea, Europe is crazy!
Global warming - hot and sexy
Poverty - exotic things
I don't care who you came with
I don't care if your mom just died
I hate your overalls and your brain
Now everybody dance!
Dance dance dance dance dance dance
Everybody dance!
Dance dance dance dance
(The following song is brought to you by Chex Mix)
Some dude once said that love is a many funny things
I know there's a perfect girl out there for me, 'cause I see her
in my dreams
Dream girl, you're a fantasy, you're the only one
Out there for me
My love
Dream girl you amaze me, all dressed in paisley
Love how not one but both eyes are lazy
When I first saw you you were drivin' the bus
Thick skin, strong nose like a rhinoceros
Dream girl so beautiful, lips all crummy
Skin like asphalt, nose so runny
Thick thighs, no waist, not a care in the world
You not crazy girl, you just my baby girl
You're a vision in sweats with the neon patch
Half eaten squirrel hangin' outta your mouth
Rainbow poncho, the female Tonto
Hear a loud noise start bu-bucking like a bronco
Dream girl, you're a fantasy, you're the only one
Out there for me
My love
You got your cellphone ring set to Sex and the City
You like a hot bowl of grits only way more gritty
Straight drippin' in turquoise my Santa Fe queen
One short leg you got the Santa Fe Lean
It's music to my ears when you scream in your sleep
And when you lift your skirt in public yo I can't help but peek
You like Cleopatra with the eyes of a pig
Love to watch you in the backyard when you go out to dig
Girl how'd you get those mouse traps glued to your neck
Little rascal, how'd you get screwed to the deck?
You put away slurpees like a trash can
Your smile's all stainy and you're not too brainy and
I like that!
Talking to your shoe like it's your friend
I like that!
Yellin' at the walls of make pretend
I like that!
Tellin' you to stop it then you don't
You say you're gonna stab me in my sleep
But you won't!
Last week thought I saw you on the street
Turns out it was a bag of trash
Just a big ol' bag of trash
I thought you looked like a bag of trash
Dream girl I pitch a tent when you stomp in the room
Like a hellbound turkey mixed with a baboon
You're sexy and you're spicy like a bowl of Chex Mix
And I always feel safe when I'm in your flesh mitts
Your teeth so clean coulda swore you were British
Never take your Chex Mix 'cause you always get skittish
Open clams with both feet 'cause you're ambidextrous
No point 'cause we know you eat nothin' but Chex Mix
Chex Mix number one food snack in the land
It's the cereal taste that you eat with your hand
Chex Mix at your local grocer buy a box
Your family will all say
CHEX MIX ROCKS!
Chex Mix, you're the snack for me, you're the only one
I'll ever eat or buy
Chex Mix, you're delicious, you got 60% less fat than potato chips
[Andy Samberg]
It seems like these days the whole world's on fire...
Things keep blowin' the hell up...
And all those rubberneckers are lookin' through stands, slack-jawed, just watchin'.
But real men have the nuts to walk away...
Yeah.
Cool guys don't look at explosions.
They blow things up, and they walk away.
Whose got time to watch an explosion?
There's cool guy errands that they have to walk to.
Keep walkin'.
Keep shinin'.
Don't look back.
Keep on walkin'.
Keep struttin'
Slow motion.
The more you ignore it, the cooler you look.
Ladies and gentlemen, please help me in welcoming Mr. Neil Diamond.
[Will Ferrel/Neil Diamond]
Ha. ha, ha.
Where are we?
Cool guys don't look at explosions.
They stride forward in their diamond covered boots.
And wear jumpsuits of glitter and rhinestones.
And walk away in slow motion.
Keep walkin'.
You're cruisin'.
Jerry, Jerry.
Sweet Caroline.
Denzel walks.
Will SMith walks.
Mark Wahlberg is wearing a hat.
[Andy Samberg]
Keyboard solo, JJ Abrams!
Cool guys don't look at explosions.
The flame is hot, but their is chilled.
Walk fast from the boring explosion.
And don't think about the people you've killed.
Ah...
AHHHH
Snort snort snort the cocaine (x3)
Snort-y snort snort the cocaine
Ohhhhhh
Drop the biggest bump I ever hit
Damnnnn
Yo fucking chop another kid
I wanna do it til my face falls off
Til my tongue’s so numb that the taste fall off
I do blow
And boy I do it viciously
Lines in my face and the mother fucking rest is history
Cocaine cocaine
China bright, snow white
Rolled to a raven
Steal a mother fucker’s blow light
Keep my dough right
Man these white lines bite
Make me bleed out my mother fucking eyes tonight
So highhhhh
Nose like a power vac
Girls rub me down just to get into my powder sack
On the power track
So I drink to my health
Lift the rail off the mirror and I wink to myself
No needle in my vein
I got to maintain
A bitch like me is doing cocaine
Snort snort snort the cocaine (x3)
Snort-y snort snort the cocaine
Snort snort snort the cocaine (x3)
Snort-y snort snort the cocaine
I like to do the cokey-coke
You’ll never see me smokey-smoke
Never buy, already brokey-broke
Pass me a dollar and I’ll roll it up
For yo
Were gonna sell and cut tonight
Uhhh huhhh
I’m gonna yell and fuck tonight
Uhhh huhhh
I’m gonna press my luck tonight
Uhh huhh
Motha fuckas better duck tonight
Uhh huhh
Doing lines off my face with a bendy straw
Pick up my whole card in half with a bendy saw
There ain’t enough room for me in this town
And once my dick gets hard it’ll never go down
A to the M to the dark to the sun
When it comes to getting gacked we stay number one
While others split a grab, we be sniffing a ton
And we never fucking stop until the bag is done
I walk in the party with my dick in my hand
And straight to the bathroom with my dick in my hand
You wanna step up I got the brick in my hand
Then leave your ass face down with my dick in my hand
Denis ay I hit the yay all day
Went to your party must stay all day
Hit you in the brain
Leave your face ug-lay
Anderson give a fuck what ya’ll say.
Fill up Anderson looking for action
Dear God on the floor
Call the chain reaction
Step up
You better learn how to act son
No go
You better hit the track bud
Arny ay, but the girls call me Arny
Do more blows than the Columbian army
Made my name in the hyrdogame
Now I play all day on my hydroplane.
Tell me if your nose froze
Girls with no clothes
Then your face pushed in
For that shit that you stole
We cut your shit with ay jack so products bump
And it sits a hundred grand out the back of my trunk
When your radio play you can’t fuck with Philip ay
Andersons mother fucker till my dying day
While you were horse faced, running
Tryin to get the crowd hyped
We was in the back
Sippin yack
Startin fist fights
I hit the light when I spin on your girl
Turn around and do a line
And I spit on your girl
Haaaa
That’s the sound of my laughter
My grove takes my life
To a live firecracker
Never sleep
All my dreams end in disaster
Life in the fast lane just got faster
What’s your name?
Arny ay, call me Mr. What
Last to pass out
And the first to fuck
And whatchya do?
Sell snow
Man, all the blow
The mother fucking pipe,
Pipe arose me though
What’s your name?
Denny ay, soft soother with the luga
Have more keys than the ones on your computer
Whatchya do?
Anything, anywhere, anytime and place
You try to shake my hand I’ll punch you in the face
What’s your name?
Philip ay, known as bobby flay
Cuz I cook that coke up everyday
And whatchya do?
Drink, fuck, snort, shoot and fight
Ya fuck with Phil ya gonna fuck all night
What’s ya name?
Anderson, the family’s here
The one that you love, and hate and fear
And whatchya do?
Known to party every night and day
Imagine in your mind a posh country club,
The stuffy old money, where the poor get snubbed,
The spread is bland: sauerkraut and boiled goose
There's no way these people will ever cut loose
But then I walk in the room, hold my boom box high,
And what happened next will blow your mind...
Everything got out of control,
The music was so entrancing,
Everyone got out on the floor,
It was a bunch of old, white people dancing.
Now picture, if you will, a bunch of businessmen,
Stuffed in the boardroom like pigs in a pen.
The ties around their necks are like a hangman's noose,
In the middle of the table there's a boiled goose.
The old people smell makes you wanna puke in the sink,
These dudes'll never dance, yeah, that's what you think!
I stride in the room, all young and hip,
Hold up my boom box, and say "Listen to this:"
Then everyone started to move,
People rejoiced, instead of financing.
Their preconceived notions were shattered,
By the super-old white people dancing.
The Big Apple, where people never dance,
Spirits go down while profits expand.
The cops saw the dealers, who's got the juice?
The street vendors peddling their boiled goose.
So many types of people, they'll never get along,
'Til I bust out my boom box and play this song:
The music washed away all their hate,
And society started advancing,
Every demographic was represented,
It was a Rainbow Coalition of dancing.
Everyone was wearing fingerless gloves,
I saw a Spanish guy doing the Bartman.
Transport now to an old folks' home,
Where the elderly are tossed on their brittle bones.
The orderlies are stealing - there's no excuse!
Every day for lunch they eat boiled goose.
So I grab my boom box and hit the turbo bass,
And what happened next was a total disgrace.
Everybody started having sex!
The music was way too powerful!
A bunch of old people fucking like rabbits!
It was disgusting, to say the least.
A boom box can change the world,
But you gotta know your limits with a boom box.
And this was a cautionary tale,
[The Lonely Island:]
You, might, like, our penises
Hey girl, from over here your butt looks soft
Maybe if I could touch it, I could tell if it's soft
Tell me if it's soft, cause I'd really like to touch it
And then I'll show you my penis (you guys)
And then I'll show you my penis (you guys)
And then I'll show you my penis (you guys)
You, might, like, my penis
Hey pretty girl, did you go to college?
Did you get your B.A., with all that knowledge?
I like your boobies, in your shirt
Please let me show you my penis (mmmm)
Please let me show you my penis (aoww)
Please let me show you my penis (mmmm)
You, might, like, my penis
(OHH!) Look at our penises
(OHH!) Look at our penises
(UHH!) Look at our penises
(UHH!) You, will, like, our penises
Since the begining of time mankind has searched for sanctuary from poverty, sickness, and war
Just recently three young men found it
Welcome to Awesometown
Come along with us, come along to Awesometown!
Come along with us, and wipe away your frown!
(Role call!)
Andy! Akiva! Jorma!
Andy! Akiva... Jorma...
Andy! And Jorma and Akiva!
Come along with us, come along to Awesometown!
Give us all your trust, and we won't let you down!
Dance break!
Stop.
My name's Akiva, the brains of the group
If you have a problem I can solve it for you
My name's Andy, and I play sports
I also enjoy building forts
My name is Jorma, motherfucker, the sensitive one!
Break your motherfuckin' face with the butt of my gun!
Rip off your arms and break legs with 'em!
Spread your ass cheeks and stick my dick in 'em!
(Silence)
Come along with us, come with us to Awesometown!
Featuring: Beck
White girls (you are attracted to us)
Black girls (you are attracted to us)
Asian girls (you are attracted to us)
Latinas (you are attracted to us)
Attracted to us
Attracted to us
But your never gunna get it
Never never gunna get it
No you're never gunna get it
Because we're shy
We're shy we're shy
We're oh so shy
You're never gunna get it
Because we're sweet and shy
Hey!
(beck)
All you pretty girls
We know you want our bodys
But we're more the introspective type
Yeah yeah yeah
~spoken in French~
But you're never gunna get it
Never never gunna get it
No you' re never gunna get it
Because we're shy
We're shy we're shy
We're nice and shy
Your're never gunna get it
because we're sweet and shy
Hey!
Nerdy girls (you are attracted to us)
Oh my god girls! (you are attracted to us)
My hiby jibby girls (you are attracted to us)
Shy girls (you are attracted to us)
Space girls (you are attracted to us)
In your face girls (you are attracted to us)
(you are attracted to us)
Yo, yo
I knew this cat named Ardy, he wore sandals and socks
When he came to the party, he would make sure it rocks
He would flail his arms around and do the Ardy dance
Leavin every muthafucka with funk in their pants
'Ey yo it's Friday, you're at the jam of the year
But somethin's missin there: man, Ardy ain't here
People standin on the wall, not freakin at all
Check it, what you need to do is give Ardy a call
And then sixty seconds later there's a knock on the door (who is it?)
My man Ardy with Bacardi, sayin get on the floor
And I've been gettin down ever since he said that shit
At the dance club, havin a conniption fit
Now, who rocks the party more than Ardy? - No one!
And who smokes base back of the alley? - Ardy!
When we found him on the street, he was homeless and shit
So we addicted him to coke so he'd be dependent
Now if he wants more drugs he's gotta rock for us
Go down the ho stroll and pick up cock for us
'Ey yo, Ardy's got the steps that'll move your body
That's why we like the Ardy that rocks the party
We like the Ardy that rocks the party
We like the Ardy who rocks the party
We like the Ardy who rocks the party (sandals and socks, sandals and socks)
We like the Ardy that rocks the party (sandals and socks, sandals and socks)
Yo Ardy stinks like a muthafucka drownin in shit
But the crazy part is, how much I love that kid
He's so intelligent and charming, ugly and disgusting
For a hit a yay he'll do just about anything
Like suck my dick? - Hell yeah he'll suck your dick, nerd
You're holdin weight, he'll do anything - Word?
He wears glasses and has a haircut like a clown
And if you got a girl over, you don't want him around
Cause he smells bad? - Nah dawg, cause he'll snatch her up
Straight player for real, sportin sandals and socks
Picture: the most disgusting fucking man on the planet
Then multiply that by eight, goddamn Ardy's great
Do anything for my ace, even clean his face
When the schmutz starts to dry, plus he always stays laced
In the brand new Tevas, plus the wool socks
You came here to party, he came to smoke rocks
We like the Ardy that rocks the party
We like the Ardy who rocks the party
We like the Ardy who rocks the party (sandals and socks, sandals and socks)
We like the Ardy that rocks the party (sandals and socks, sandals and socks)
Ardy, smoothest cat you've ever seen
The chicks know what I mean - He's so fresh and so clean
He'll rub up on your leg without warnin, start humpin it
Oh boy, what's that smell in his pants? He's been dumpin it
True game, makin all the girls pause
Ardy, you look good with that dump in your drawers
If Ardy ever stopped rockin you know we would kill him
Roll him up in a carpet and throw him off of a buildin
So I slip him PCP whenever he's not lookin
So he keeps the party jumpin from the floor to the ceilin
Yeah, he looks good when he's smokin on rocks
And don't forget y'all, he's wearin sandals and socks
We like the Ardy that rocks the party
We like the Ardy who rocks the party
We like the Ardy that rocks the party
We like the Ardy who rocks the party
We like the Ardy that rocks the party (sandals and socks, sandals and socks)
We like the Ardy who rocks the party (sandals and socks, sandals and socks)
We like the Ardy that rocks the party (sandals and socks, sandals and socks)
We like the Ardy that rocks the party (sandals and socks, sandals and socks)
Sandals and socks, sandals and socks
Sandals and socks, sandals and socks
Sandals and socks, sandals and socks
[ANDY SAMBERG]
After the club is the after party
After the party is the hotel lobby
After that, you know it's diamond Cris
And after that, I say, 'Excuse me, miss'
And after that, we goin' back to the room
And after that, she's gonna leave real soon
And after that, I crack one more beer
And after that, I just stare in the mirror
And after that, I start freakin' out
What the hell am I doing with my life?
Call up my mom and get my cry on
I order room service, get my apple pie on
And after that, I just walk the streets
A homeless dude throws up on my feet
And I see just how pointless life is
Full on existential crisis
Tear off my clothes and scream at the sky
Fall to my knees and ask God, 'why?'
[SANTIGOLD]
This nightlife is killing me
I think I'm losing my mind
I yearn to fly, yet I sink
Stalling tears is my dream
[ANDY SAMBERG]
After that, I drive into the hills
And trade my car for a bottle of pills
And after that, I'm on a vision quest
Put my mind, body, and spirit to the test
And after that, I meet my totem spirit
It's a rattlesnake, so I have to kill it
Then I drink all his blood and steal his powers
Slither around in the dirt for hours
And after that I start jerking off
Up on a mountain, jerking off
Down by the river, jerking off
And that's when I have my epiphany
You can't spend your whole life jerking off
And after that, I'm going back to the city
[SANTIGOLD]
This nightlife is killing me
No more jerking off
Fate only knows what's in store
Stalling tears for me, no more
[ANDY SAMBERG]
And after that, I clean up my life
Join AA to make it right
And after that, I get my thirty day chip
And after that, I go celibate
And after that, I'm a whole new man
Brew complimentary in my hybrid van
I give my life to meditation
Then sleep with a whore at a Greyhound station
And after that, I have a full relapse
Then lose my hand in a game of craps
And after that, everyone calls me Claw
And after that, I work for Tim McGraw (Hey!)
And after that, I pass out in a sewer
Meet a giant fish, fuck his brains out
And after, that I'm filled with shame
No one but myself to blame
Nothing in my heart but pain
And next week we're gonna do it again!
[SANTIGOLD]
This nightlife carves hooks in me
I'm back to jerking off
I tried but could not break free
Stalling tears return to me
Started in the club
Then he moved to the Hills
Really freaked out and drank snake blood
Got himself clean
Now back in the club
And that's where I've been in this song
But it's stalling tears
This playboy life's too much for me
[ANDY SAMBERG]
After the club is the after party
After the party is the hotel lobby
Stuck in a cycle I just can't win
Your mom says, "Hi" — Jinx!
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah no no
Yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Summertime in the city
And everybody's having sex
You know I just got a page from a girl that I met last week at the Payless
Shoe stores
I also have a cutie to call who likes the way I knock on her boots
Well let's help them back
Let's handle that
In two-to-six hours,
We'll meet back here and regroup
Now let's shoop
Roll up to her crib with some Bartles & James
Hop off the buss with the Alizé
Now hold up player, whatchu diggity-doing here?
I should diggity-ask you the same
And she sang
Hey, boys I want you both
I hope that you think that's cool
(Say word?)
I know most guys won't freak together
She forgot about the Golden Rule — a huh huh
It's OK to put us in a three-way
It's not gay when it's in a three-way
With a honey in the middle there's some leeway
The area's grey in a one, two, three-way
Normally, I don't get down with dudes
But tonight is a special exception (Great)
See you're my best friend
Through thick and thin
Now it's time to make a triple connection
Lights off
Here in the dark (Here in the dark)
It's so hard to tell (So hard to tell)
Where her body ends (La la)
And my homie's begins (Ew wee)
This rule dates back (The Golden Rule)
To ancient Greece (Takin' about Cesar)
We're two Jack Trippers and a Chrissy
The new Three's Company
It's OK to put us in a three-way
It's not gay when it's in a three-way
With a honey in the middle there's some leeway
The area's grey in a one, two three-way
Fellas. Get ready.
To impress a chick
Helicopter d*ck, go! Hellicopter d*ck. Helicopter d*ck
To impres a chick
Do the helicopter d*ck
And all of that was OK
'Cuz it was in a three-way
It's right there when you see the instant replay (boom)
Maybe two is enough
That's what they'll say
But we'll say, "Hell no."
It's a one, two, three-way
Hey whats up man
Uh not much dude
Hey are you ready for the party tonight
Ya man i already got a case of santana champain
So it should be good
Oh nice
Y thats good sh
Shit
Aw man
Dont make eye contact
Ding dong normal guy in the house
Hey man hey
Aw its great seeing you other normal guys
Oh ya
Uh huh
What are you guys up to?
U not much
Hey what are you other normal guys up to?
Seriously nothing were just hangin out
Do you guys know what i hate?
What?
Hanging out with a weirdo
Hanging out with some loser weirdo
Really
Its my biggest peeve
Ya well i was just actually...
Its like they don't even know where were coming from
Right we understand
I cant take it when some weirdo shows up unannounced
Okay well
There's nothing wrong with any of us
Okay man we gott...
None of us have any major problems
Uhhh man lets
Hey lets make a pact
What
Lets make a suicide pact
Uh no thats cra...
I'll go first
[gun shot]
Announcer: And the award for best comedy sketch goes to the
This beat remind me of back in the day
Sunshine chillin
Man, tell em about your perfect Saturday
Woke up at ten, no worries at all
Another sunny day in LA, that's how we roll
Hit my homie J cause he rolls the blunts tight
Head's still spinnin from the freaks last night
Yea man, you know I got the sticky for sho
And 5 females coming over at 4
I'm a hop in the shower, clean my nuts
Throw on the polo sport to impress the stunts
Rollin up in the Charger with the suicide doors
Top down cruising as I head to the store
Jim has some brews, everything that we need
Then back to the crib smoking indoor weed
It's the perfect Saturday, there's knock on the door
Man these girls are here early, it's a quarter to four
Man, which of these freaks I'm a see in my bed
Open the door and see my homie Ned
Oh hey guys, how's it going?
(Wuddup Ned?)
I got 911, need to use your head
(That's a no can do, ooh your breath is all hit)
Yea, I know, now move, I gotta take a shit
(Now normally Ned, the bathroom was yours
But we got those fine freaks coming over at 4)
Fine freaks?! Okay, new plan
I'll just hold it and let out small farts for the rest of the night
Okay Ned, thanks for stopping by
(You're welcome)
Seriously Ned, it was good to see you
(I know)
Listen, the freaks are gonna be here any minute
We gotta get rid of this guy
Hey dude, he's your friend, you should ask him to leave
Listen, if the freaks come here he cannot be here
Oh, God
Shit!
Ah, one second
What time is it?
It's 4, it's them
Who? The freaks?
Yes, get Ned out
Ned you gotta hop out the window
But we're on the 5th floor,
Yes, move like endo
I'm not doing that
Then hit the bathroom on the double
The dump's in my butt and your toilets are trouble
Look, seriously I'll hold it
I've been in this situation literally hundreds of times
Oh what the fuck?
Oh no
I'm gonna need to borrow some pants
Oh hey ladies
(Oh my God it smells like fuckin' death in here)
Hey freaks!
(This place smells like shit)
It was them
We're out of here
Becca wait
Oh you guys blew it
Well that's too bad but we ain't mad
No. In fact, we got something to show you
It's down this hallway, and open this door
(A surprise?)
Yea man, something like that
So walk out front and don't look back
(What's all this plastic? Were you painting last night?)
Don't worry about it, just walk towards the light
(It sure is pretty)
Yea, sure is
Close your eyes Ned
(You're my only friends)
Yea, motherfuckers
You already think you were gonna get out of this without a fart joke did you?
You wack motherfuckers
You pussy motherfuckers
The fuck ya'll thinkin?
This is Lonely Island!
Oh cause we got a little paper now?
And you see us on the TV
You think we don't do fart jokes no more?
We were doin fart jokes when you were suckin ya mama's tit
[TLI]: Hello?
[Female]: Hi, this is Bridget, should I come over later?
[TLI]: I'm sorry, I don't know a Bridget.
[Female]: Well that's not what you said when you hugged me last night!
[TLI]: Ha! You think we're an item just because I gave you a hug? Trick, you better think again.
WE. ARE NOT. GENTLEMEN.
Yo – I'll hug a girl like it don't mean nothin'
Then turn around and start huggin' her cousin.
I don't love ‘em, end of the fuckin' discussion
Got ‘em tucked between my wings like Thanksgiving stuffing.
She wanna hug from behind – I did it.
Then her friend jumped in – I'm wit' it.
I hug ‘em tighter than a tube top
After that, it's just a matter of time
Before the other shoe drop.
I get more hugs than Oprah selling drugs,
And the drug was pure X – no!, Mary Jo Sex.
Just hugs.
Don't get mad, girl. We get mad girls,
And we're hugging all over the world.
So don't catch feelings, it ain't love.
We're just the kings of giving out hugs.
And if you wanna settle down, you know you got us all wrong,
So we on to the next one, no disrespect, hon
But you can't hug a rolling stone.
You can't hug a rolling stone cause it'll crush you.
Begging me to hug you again? That's when I shush you.
On an airplane, at a Knick game,
Feel the same damn thing when I hug them,
Which is nothing.
Can't trust them, lose all respect when I hug them.
Now guess who's back in the motherfucking house
With a fat hug for your sweater and your blouse.
Hugged so many ladies, arms shaky and shit,
Because I'm the Wilt Chamberlain of the upper-body grip.
Cause I get more hugs than a batch of puppy pugs,
Sitting on a fluffy rug, getting tickled touched and rubbed.
(OH SHIT!)
Real talk, like you chatting with a fisherman.
Wrap these chicks up like a motherfucking swisher, man.
This ain't love girl, because this hug world
Is just a big Game of Thrones.
We the king of the castle, got arms like a lasso.
But you can't hug a rolling stone.
I been hugging on your mama,
Especially when your daddy's gone,
Wearing his pajamas,
I know you thinking that is wrong.
I don't care what some does,
I'm concentrating on her back.
I just wanna hug your mama in her Subaru hatchback.
Put her in a figure-4, yes I'm a hug gigolo.
Now she tells her tupperware friends to let their sisters know...
...that I give more hugs than Atlas had shrugs
(Brush my head on her shoulder)
While your man mean mugs
We had fun, girl. But don't get swung, girl
Just because I hugged you raw.
We can do a group thing, bring Sarah and Suan
And we can have a hug-a-trois.
So quit trying to own my hugs
I gave you these arms on loan
So come give me a hug,
The waistline and above.
When push comes to shove,
You can't hug a rolling stone.
One! Two!
One two, one-two-three-
We are a crowd and we are loud.
We're cheering as a group
At our favorite event.
We're gonna cheer cause we are here.
With all of us together,
We have nothing to fear.
Now all of the ladies say WOO (woo!)
And all of the fellas say CROWD (yeah!)
We're drinking beer and doing cheers.
Be [???] like us for millions of years.
We are all here, we're not at home.
As long as we're together, we can't be alone.
We are a crowd and we are loud.
We're cheering as a group at our favorite event.
We are not one, we are a ton.
There's safety in numbers, so now it is fun.
We are a crowd crowd crowd,
Yes we are a crowd.
And so we shout shout shout,
Because beer is allowed.
And there's no doubt doubt doubt
That we're helping out
Because without-out us there would be no crowd.
Well I’m a hustler, that’s just what I do
I’m always hustling on the avenue
I can sell water to a whale
Or even a shell to a snail
I’m a hustler, life of a hustler, that’s me
I’ve been this way since I came out my mama’s purse
I’m always thinking of a scheme
And I’m good at what I do
And I know a thing or two about hustling
You have to be born with a certain swag
Like je ne sais quoi, that makes hustling be bad
Hey, at 8 years old I got my hood pass
Then at 9 I got my first keys 10th ave
Ice to an eskimo, spaghetti to a rock wall
I know that sounds racist, it’s just how I talk
In the crap game, I am the number 1
I wouldn’t ass around, you’ll get your money taken
I’m may and gay around my patch
Never talk to me on the phone, that’s real G doing his thing
I’m hard to kill
Attention, cooking up crack
(YeaAnnotateh, oh yeah. You got the look.)
Girl - you got the look (you got the look!)
You're rolling up in the party with one titty out
Oh girl, you got the whole damn???
The way your booby be breathing,
It makes me wanna scream and shout, yeah.
Damn, girl - you rockin' that thing.
With no support, just watching it swing.
May be a mistake, but now she just owning it;
"Ay carumba!" titty girl, you Matt Groening it.
I like to think you been looking in the mirror,
Said to yourself "something's not right here;
Time to shake things up!" so you shook one out.
Your hair wasn't working, so you took one out;
A titty.
You're rocking one solo titty, and that's your right.
Now you're running this city with one sexy titty
All damn night.
She got legs and she knows how to use 'em.
Also got one titty out - sounds so confusing!
Proving she knows how to get attention;
One laid-back titty with no pretention.
A strong choice, or just a mistake?
A strong choice, or just a mistake?
Is fashion really what she's all about?
Intentional, or does she even know it's out?
Girl, you're the center of attention.
Tell me, is that good or bad?
Cause if it's not on purpose, it would be really sad.
Girl, strutting on down the catwalk,
What will the people say?
I've seen into the future, and the look is here to stay.
Now wait a second...
Why's it always gotta be the ladies taking things out?
(mmm, whatcha had in mind?)
Something like this, groove
Boy, you got the look;
Rolling up in the party with one ball out.
(eww, gross!)
Oh... yeah, that's gross
Sorry
That is not the same thing
Nobody wants to see that
I was wrong. I'm a jerk, sorry everybody.
Ok everyone welcome to grammar class.
Today we are learning about semicolons.
ooo, ooo, ooo!
Yes, Lonely Island?
We use semicolons everyday
Can you give me an example?
Oh hell yeah
Get ready for a whale of a time; shamu
My whole team coming clean; shampoo
These dudes is comic relief; whoopi
And I'm the motherfucking monster; cookie
When you see me better cross the street; frogger
Then go home and write about it; blogger
Did I do that?; urkel
Yo, Angela who's the boss?; merkel
I'll take you where you've never been; oxnard
Then make you suck a bull's nut; oxnard
If Miss Moore married Josh; Demi Brolin
A comma and a fucking dot; semicolon
We run these streets; stop lights
All eyes on me; spot lights
Each semicolon brings us closer to the top
I'm loud and I'm zipping around; jet ski
You dick is little like wanye; gretzky
But Gretzky's got a big dick; clarification
Everyone who's rude to me; paris vacation
My stomach's getting fat; food
Leave trash inside my car; rude
You acting all mach-ee-o; ralph
But I'll eat all your cats; alf
We run the game; umpire
Always chase the night; young squire
These semicolons are my light inside the dark
It's right under your nose, semicolon; mouth
Opposite of north, semicolon; south
Right over your home, semicolon; attic
Hooked on semicolons, semicolon; addict
We got the game on lock; toy chest
You're too big for your clothes; boy's vest
You know we out of control; no brakes
Your birthday party sucked; no cakes
When it comes to punctuation
You know we're number one
And to the people of every nation
Feel the power of the semicolon
Semicolons, we rest our case
No, actually those are examples of colons.
You all get F's
(The following song is brought to you by Chex Mix)
Some dude once said that love is a many funny things
I know there's a perfect girl out there for me, cuz I see her
In my dreams
Dream girl, you're a fantasy, you're the only one
Out there for me
My love
Dream girl you amaze me, all dressed in paisley
Love how not one, but both eyes are lazy
When I first saw you, you were drivin' the bus
Thick skin, strong nose like a rhinoceros
Dream girl so beautiful, lips all crumby
Skin like asphalt, nose so runny
Thick thighs, no waist, not a care in the world
You not crazy girl, you just my baby girl
Yo, you're a vision in sweats with the neon pouch
Half eaten squirrel hangin' outta your mouth
Rainbow poncho, the female tonto
Hear a loud noise, start b-buckin' like a bronco
Dream girl, you're a fantasy, you're the only one
Out there for me
My love
You got your cellphone ring set to Sex and the City
You like a hot bowl of grits only way more gritty
Straight drippin' in turquoise my Santa Fe queen
One short leg, you got the Santa Fe lean
It's music to my ears when you scream in your sleep
And when you lift your skirt in public, yo I can't help but peek
You like Cleopatra with the eyes of a pig
Love to watch you in the backyard when you go out to dig
Girl how'd you get those mouse traps glued to your neck?
Little rascal, how'd you get screwed to the deck?
You put away slurpees like a trash can
Your smiles all stainy and you're not too brainy and
I like that!
Talking to your shoes lke it's your friend
I like that!
Yellin' at the walls and make pretend
I like that!
Tellin' you to stop it then you don't
You said you gonna stab me in my sleep
But you won't!
Last week, thought I saw you on the street, turns out it was a bag of trash
Just a big ol' bag of trash
I thought you looked like a bag of trash
Dream girl I pitch a tent when you stomp in the room
Like a hellbound turkey mixed with a baboon
You're sexy and you're spicy like a bowl of Chex Mix
And I always feel safe when I'm in your flesh mitts
Your teeth so clean coulda swore you were British
Never take ya Chex Mix cuz you always get skittish
Open clams with both feet cuz your ambidextrous
No point cuz we know you eat nothin' but Chex Mix
Chex Mix number one food snack in the land
It's the cereal taste that you eat with your hand
Chex Mix at your local grocer buy a box
Your family will all say
CHEX MIX ROCKS!
Chex Mix, you're the snack for me, you're the only one
I'll ever eat or buy
Nowadays, everybody's using curse words.
Seems to me like it ain't necessary.
Yeah, so when I get steamed,
Yo - I tell 'em like this:
I don't give a honk, I don't give a honk,
And if you think I do, my friend
Then you're wronk.
Your crocodile tears can go and got gonk.
You think I'm a funk, but we don't give a honk.
I'm a wild child and I'm on the loose,
Giving less of a honk than a Muslim goose.
Saw a broken car horn and its honk was faint,
Man if I was Senator, it'd be a honkless state.
Yo, I drove past a rally saying "Honk For Peace",
So I took out my gun and shot 'em all in the knees.
I don't give a honk! You picked the wrong dude.
If a honk was my virginity, consider me prude.
I consider it rude to have honk-spectations,
Only thing I give a honk is a long vacation.
On a long space station, can't hear you scream
And they sure can't hear you honk, know what I mean?
Yo we told you before: we don't give a honk,
And saying that we do is just simply ridonk.
You could try to buy us off with your pesos and francs,
But your money means nothing - you could take it to the bonk.
Man, I'm stingy when it comes to my honks (me too)
I literally stick 'em to my body with glue.
Good thinkin' Abe Lincoln, you're a real smart cookie.
Teach a class about giving a honk? I'm playing hooky.
Now what you gonna do with all your honks?
Gonna dive in and swim like Scrooge McDonk.
Cause for a honk I'd bite a chunk out of a Buddhist monk,
And at his funeral, everyone will sing this sonk.
Yo we told you before: we don't give a honk.
Got a theory that we do? Well your theory's debunked.
Save the drama for your mama cause your -itis is bronch-.
Our policy is staunch: we don't give a honk.
You know a honk in some countries is considered a food,
And if you don't eat it all, it's considered quite rude.
We all know we're born with 100 honks,
But people throw 'em away like they were Donkey Konks
And the honks are the barrels.
The kings and the pharaohs sing about honks
Like they were Christmas carols.
I'll punch you in the jeans,
But this ain't Lonely Island.
And if I catch you steaming my honks,
I'll get violent.
Yo we told you before: we don't give a honk,
Even if you give us candy like Willy the Wonk.
But don't come for my honks, better know your place.
Mother-honkers honk around and get honked in the face.
This the not honking around crew,
Hey, what a great day for a swim.
Yeah. Why are you wearing a shirt?
Too many hickeys on my neck.
Oh. The girl I was with last night scratched my back.
So you've also been having sex.
Yeah.
We need love, not meaningless sex.
You've got a round butt? We're not impressed.
So many girls wanna get in our pants,
But we're not whores. We need romance.
Hey girl (girl), you look good.
I want you to know that I would - do you.
Frequently. Like riding my hog, it's nothing to me.
You're wearing a bra, but soon you won't.
Call me the magic man: now you see it, now you don't.
When it comes to foreplay, I can take for hours.
Say "Do I make you horny, baby?" - Austin Powers.
My ocean's got motion, but also girth;
The closest thing you'll feel to giving birth.
I'm a butt man
And I like boobs
Put them together, and we like you.
I don't care that you're overweight.
I see your soul, and you look great.
We love all colors, shapes, and sizes,
Except Steve's new girlfriend, who's a fucking slut!
We need love, not meaningless sex.
You've got a round butt? We're not impressed.
Just two Don Juans looking for amour;
It could be you if you're not a whore.
I'm Guy #1, I'll massage your back.
Or if you prefer, I'll squeeze your rack.
If it's your time of the month, I'll call it a night.
I'm Guy #2, I don't run red lights.
If I was with you, I'd need at least 10 rubbers.
Your poo-tang stank, I don't need another lover.
I wear condoms too, but when they break, it's bad.
Take you to the clinic, I can't be no dad.
Cause we're the freaks of the industry.
You a freak, Guy 1?
Oh you got that, G.
What about you, Guy 2?
Yes. Me. Too.
I always get consent before I screw.
I'm not a guy who's gonna rape you.
Champagne, waterbed, satin covers;
There you have it - another satisfied lover
There you have it - another satisfied lover
There you have it - another satisfied lover
There you have it - another satisfied lover
There you have it - another satisfied lover
We need love, not meaningless sex.
You got a round butt? We're not impressed.
We're two Casanovas, not pieces of meat.
Lonely Island, we got the whole family here
Time to meet the crew, y'all
My name is Worm, you could call me J August
Ride around town bumping Fugees in a tortoise
Yo, I'm Artemus Prime, also known as Young Sandwich
Lonely Island got amigos like my man John Lanis
Keith in the house but you can call me Young Dad
Rocking pink Adidas, never wear prat
I'm little Tony, I'm always playing with Max
Make you run out the room 'cause my booty's gang
I want the fat one, they call me Fat Bob
I get all the ladies even though I'm a slob
I'm Piccolo Pete, I'm a part of the crew
You'll know that it's me from the sound of my flute
Hell, I'm Sick Eric, I'm always sick
You can catch me on the corner taking antibiotics
They call me Smooth Guy 'cause I be drinking mad smoothies
You think I got my name from my voice, that just ain't soochy
They call me Creepy Z, you know I do my own thing
My rhymes ain't good but I'm fun in small doses
They call me Boring Steven, I don't know why
My rhymes are dope and my whip is fly
I'm a rich guy, I'm doing this as a lark
My sense of humor is extremely dark
I'm new to the crew and no one trusts me at all
If they'd get to know me they'd see I'm a ball
People call me Tiny, my name is ironic
I'm 12 feet tall, my life is hard
I'm a little lost, is this the right studio?
I work for Rod Stewart, you know what? I'm gonna go
I wear stripes that match the wallpaper
I'm hiding now but I'll surprise you later
Well, my name is Greg and I'm on the phone
It was my mom's birthday so I had to fly home
We're the Booty Twins, all we smoking Budapest
Never obsess, Budapest is the best
Hey, I'm Rod Stewart, I'm looking for my tech
He's always wondering off, what a pain in the neck
So there it is, one third of the crew
The rest couldn't be here or phone in
But best believe they are amidst
Party people (party people)
We have taken control of your minds (your minds)
So get on the floor (oh yeah)
‘Cause it's time to kick up dirt, now let's work
Hey – we're gonna dance tonight, okay?
We're all shining bright, let the music take you away
Don't ask questions, just do everything we say
On the floor, ladies shake that ass
Shake that, shake that ass, work it, twerk it, drop it fast
Fellas, whip your dick out – whip, whip your dick out
Indiana Jones and whip your fuckin' dick out
Now punch your friend – punch, punch your friend
Get on the fuckin' floor and punch your best friend
Your butt look flat – make that shit flap
Use the art of perspective, or hide it in a hat
Go stupid, get stupid – because we said to do it
Go dumb, eat garbage – we goin' kindergarten
Yeah – you know, some of it might seem strange
But don't think, just obey
Let the music play, 'cause we put it in the song
So do everything that we say
Have a motherfuckin' baby on the floor
Raise it in the club, homeschool it by the door
Now be ambidextrous – fuckin' ambidextrous
We'll come around and test you
It's no biggie on our checklist
Now ladies, whip your dick out – whip, whip your dick out
Don't ask how, just fuckin' figure it out
Now make your booty speak – teach that ass English
Make it suck helium and (talk like this)
Now eat the banana – potassium for stamina
Then build a school, burn it down
Get on the floor and do it now
Fuck a house, eat a shoe, all because we told you to
So raise your glass, then break the glass
Then stomp your bare feet on the glass
Champagne perks, popping mollies
Middle fingers up, now chop ‘em off
Then pose nude for a family friend
(And never speak of it again)
The party's here, and you can't escape
(So just do everything that we say)
Go Tommy, be brainless
Here we are, entertain us
Get stupid, go moron
Ladies listen up this song is for you
you know it's hard out there trying to find a dude
But the lonely island's got three top notch brothers
so sit back and listen while they compliment each other
My man Kiv is the shit
Dude is thoughtful as fuck
Plus his body is ripped
He's a good listener even when he's exhausted
and he's crazy hygienic always brushing and flossing
But that ain't nothing compared to my main man Jorm
The most sensitive caring dude I've ever known
he's got that sweet smile
he's got that slow touch
what's that sweet smell
oh shit he cooked you brunch
but hold up my man Andy's got us both beat
he make this candy margarita that's a wonderful treat
plus caramel eyes that are hella disarming
he ain't no fucking prince my man is king charming
well you're far too kind and speaking of kindness
my man Kiv's been diagnosed with color blindness
he loves all people plus he's got the fat dick
it's like a gold brick all shiny and thick
when they pitched me this song
they were kinda vague
but I said fuck it
cause they said I'd get paid
one things for sure these dudes are weird motherfuckers
so kick back and listen while they compliment eachother
my man Jorm fucks all night
call him super mario because he be laying the pipe
he got the eye contact like only you in the room
a modern thinking man he ain't afraid of a broom
yo you talking feminism Andy loves that shit
plus the femme fatales love him cause he's got good dick
and he's a giver, donates hella money to charity
He's also got a great sense of humor, that's personality
I hate to interrupt but I gotta interject
Kiv's rhymes are so espresso has his own panini press
Kiv's so loyal when he makes his pick
that he'll only think of you when he's jacking his dick
he's a shoulder to cry on when you're down in the dumps
he's an outfit to try on when you need a slam dunk
he's an extra stirring hand when you're making a soup
take a ride in his coupe, he'll make you want to shoot
I'm starting to suspect that these dudes are gay
it's none of my business they just born this way
I mean, how many times he's gonna mention yo homie's dick
but still trying to act like this song is for chicks
so ladies be warned before you hop under the covers
they might be fuckin you but they'll be thinking about each other
Now let's take a trip down memory lane
Back to junior high school where it all began
Three bad little kids raising hell at school
We were just thirteen straight actin' a fool
Every day after class, kiv's house was the spot
Making crazy prank calls hoping not to get caught
Best friends, blood brothers, yo, we one and the same
'Till one fateful afternoon when everything changed
One day playing punch out up in kiv's room
The house started shaking and we heard a "kaboom"
Looked out the back window saw a billow of smoke
Yo, your backyard is smashed, man this isn't a joke
(Let's go check this out man!) (I bet, let's go)
All the smoke and debris led straight to the basement
Yo, what the hell is that? man, it looks like a spaceship!
We all ran for cover and the hatch opened wide
And a little green dude stepped out from inside
He said, "I'm from mars, and I come in peace
I have something to ask, and it's not discreet
There's a mutated strain in our dna helix
And you three kids are the ones who can heal it"
But we're just thirteen, man, what can we do?
"Um, how should I put this? I think we should screw" (what?)
"On our home planet we can no longer breed
I've been sent a self-receptacle for storing your seed"
Storing our seed? yo, I think he means sex
Man, I'm a virgin, we all are, bad!
"I'm just gonna lie here, and close my eyes"
Aw, what should we do? now it's spreading it's thighs!
"You'll be heroes on our planet!" but why us three?
"You're the chosen ones, you'll just have to trust me"
(Yo should we do it?) (I don't know!)
(Yo, I say we put it to a vote.)
All in favor, say aye. aye!
Okay, we're in! "cool." you should go first
"I have three depositories to capture your burst"
Wait, at the same time? "yeah, that's what I was thinking
Now here's some wine coolers, let's get you boys drinking"
We pounded the drinks, and started getting tipsy
We took our positions, and started getting frisky
One in the front and two in the back
Had it locked up like a Chinese finger trap
"Keep pumping away! my wife and family thank you"
I'm about to explode! yo son, me too!
Three way climax! best friends forever!
Who would thought that we've lost our virginities together
"Andy, Jorm and Kiv, you've saved our race
Your reward is one wish then I'll go back to space"
We looked at eachother, didn't have to talk
Knew exactly what he wanted before he took off
Mr. alien sir, for what it's worth
We wanna be the greatest fake mc's on earth
"your wish is granted, and thanks again
You may have saved my planet but I'm losing three friends
What happened today was both incredible and bad
Ok everyone welcome to grammar class.
Today we are learning about semicolons.
ooo, ooo, ooo!
Yes, Lonely Island?
We use semicolons everyday
Can you give me an example?
Oh hell yeah
Get ready for a whale of a time; shamu
My whole team coming clean; shampoo
These dudes is comic relief; whoopi
And I'm the motherfucking monster; cookie
When you see me better cross the street; frogger
Then go home and write about it; blogger
Did I do that?; urkel
Yo, Angela who's the boss?; merkel
I'll take you where you've never been; oxnard
Then make you suck a bull's nut; oxnard
If Miss Moore married Josh; Demi Brolin
A comma and a fucking dot; semicolon
We run these streets; stop lights
All eyes on me; spot lights
Each semicolon brings us closer to the top
I'm loud and I'm zipping around; jet ski
You dick is little like wanye; gretzky
But Gretzky's got a big dick; clarification
Everyone who's rude to me; paris vacation
My stomach's getting fat; food
Leave trash inside my car; rude
You acting all mach-ee-o; ralph
But I'll eat all your cats; alf
We run the game; umpire
Always chase the night; young squire
These semicolons are my light inside the dark
It's right under your nose, semicolon; mouth
Opposite of north, semicolon; south
Right over your home, semicolon; attic
Hooked on semicolons, semicolon; addict
We got the game on lock; toy chest
You're too big for your clothes; boy's vest
You know we out of control; no brakes
Your birthday party sucked; no cakes
When it comes to punctuation
You know we're number one
And to the people of every nation
Feel the power of the semicolon
Semicolons, we rest our case
No, actually those are examples of colons.
You all get F's
If you are under 30 and you're totally cool, then you absolutely know these guys
The Lonely Island and Michael Bolton!
From their album Incredibad, please welcome The Lonely Island!
Incredibad, this is just a blast
Jizz In My Pants, Lazy Sunday, Narnia
And here they are with Akon!
And the Nobel Peace Prize goes to... The Lonely Island, oh fuck yes!
The Lonely Island, they're the truth!
I like em because they speak for the people!
There's no way I'll let my kids listen to it
They're Satanists and they should be boycotted!
Around the country today, citizens bring any and all Lonely Island paraphernalia...
Now here they are, the first men to become pregnant!
I hereby declare The Lonely Island, the 47th president of these United States!
Tragedy today as The Lonely Island was beaten to death with their own dicks
Outside an all-male strip club
I see thousands of people, lining up to desecrate the body
Here on the street, I've seen at least 300 already defiling the corpses
And there are thousands more waiting
It looks like there's some movement
Oh my God, The Lonely Island are alive!
They're removing the fans from their various holes and heading back into the studio
The Lonely Island will continue to entertain us
Adam Levine: YOLO
Andy: YOLO, you only live once.
The battle cry of a generation.
This life is a precious gift.
So don't get too crazy,
it's not worth the risk.Adam Levine:
You know that we are still young.
So don't be dumb.
Don't trust anyone,
cause you only live once.1
Kiv: Ugh, you only live once,
thats the motto.
So take a chill pill,
ease off the throttle.
Jorm: Never go to loud clubs
cause it's bad for your ears.
Your friends will all be sorry
when they can't hear.
Andy: And stay the hell away from drugs
cause they're not legal.
Then bury all your money in the backyard
like a beagle.
Kiv: Cause you should never trust a bank
They've been known to fail.
And never travel by car, a bus,
boat or by rail.
Jorm: And don't travel by plane.
And don't travel at all.
Built a bomb shelter basement
with titanium walls.
Andy: And where titanium suits
in case pianos fall on ya.
And never go in saunas
cause they're crawlin' with piranhas.
Kiv: And never take the stairs
cause they're often unsafe.
You only live once,
don't let it go to waste.Adam Levine:
You know that we are still young.
So hold off on the fun.
Cook your meat till its done,
cause you only live once.
Adam Levine:
You know that we are still young,
so hold off on the fun.
Cook your meat 'til it's done,
cause you only live once.2
Jorm: Yeah,
and here's another piece of advice:
Stay away from kids
cause their hair is filled with mad lice.
Andy: There's no such thing
as too much Purell.
This a cautionary tale,
word to George Orwell.
Kiv: So don't 1980 force
any plugs into sockets.
Always wear a chastity belt
and triple lock it.
Jorm: Then hire a taster
make him check your food for poison.
And if you think your mailman is a spy
then destroy him.
Andy: No blankets or pajamas
they can kill you in your sleep.
Two words about furniture:
killing machines.
Kiv: Board your windows up
the sun is bad for your health.
And always wear a straight jacket
so your safe from yourself.
Kendrick Lamar:
Take no chances (no chances)
Stop freelancin' (right now)
Invest in your future,
don't dilute your finances (uh huh)
401K, make sure it's low risk
Then get some real estate (how much?)
4.2%Thirty year mortgage,
that's important, that's a great deal
And if you can't afford it,
don't forge it on your last bill
Renting is for suckers right now
A dependable savings,
and you'll retire with money in your account.
Beast.
YOLO, say no no.
Isolate yourself
and just roll solo
Be care-folo
You oughta look out
also stands for YOLO.Adam Levine:
You know that we are still young.
Burn the prints off your thumbs.
Then pull out all your teeth,
so you can't bite your tongue.
Only on this earth for a short time, time
So don't go outside, cause you don't want to die, die.
Just take our advice and hide
and scream YOLO to the sky.
Ladies and Gentleman, the mayor of New York.
Good morning.
It's been brought to my attention that many rap artists
claim that they run New York.
But this is not the case.
In fact, I wrote my own song about what it's really like.
Please excuse the profanity in advance.
Hit it.
Lonely Island: I run New York!
Billie Joe:
New York, big city of dreams
and you know that I run this town
king of the streets, dressed in concrete
skyscrapers on my crown
So if you want this Big Apple
come try to take a bite!
Cause I run this motherfucking city
and I won't give it up without a fight!
Lonely Island:
Yo I run New York
It's a pain in the ass
The city's crowded as fuck
and it's covered in trash
and the sanitation chief just shoveled shit in my face
another transit strike? aw, fucking great!
I can't wait to have another meeting with the labor union
so that Mark can bend me over and then shove their fucking shoe in
but I do it so you can sip your pumpkin lattes
I literally run New York and it's exhausting!
Billie Joe:
I run New York
it's a fucking headache
it really wears you down
in this lake of bureaucratic bullshit
it's a miracle I don't drown!
Lonely Island:
I don't literally run New York
I run the marathon
plus I organize it
so I double run the marathon
but no one seems to give a fuck that I'm a paragon
instead they photoshop me so it's looking like I wear a thong
so they laugh at it in my own office when I'm gone
went to the Nick's game and they booed me on the Jumbo Tron
excuse me for trying to help you
they won't be satisfied till I'm locked up in Belleview
I guess they don't tell you this job sucks dick!
I run New York and it feels like shit!
Billie Joe:
The chief of Police is a major bully
he laughs at my ideas
he made fun of my tie last week
and I had to fight back tears!
Lonely Island:
Now on the surface, it probably looks like I should quit
cause I spend every day getting punched in the dick
but at night I travel down into the subway
wearing chain mail, locked and loaded for gun play
and battle the gigantic fire breathing mutant rats
if I fucking quit, who the fuck would do that?
I'll give you a hint, the answer is no one
that's why I'm in the sewer dressed up like a show gun
cause I'm the equinox
I helped James Springs
releasing hounds reef in the blood of kings
and no one even knows, they just think I'm a dork
but I still kill those fucking dogs, cause I run New York!
Billie Joe:
I run New York
it's a shitty gig
no overtime in my pay
I asked the city for a fucking bonus
and they said no fucking way!
so rotten is this big apple
it's crawling with worms inside
but I run this motherfucking shit hole city and it makes me want to die!
Lonely Island:
I run New York!
Damn, I fucked my aunt...
I can't believe I fucked my aunt...
I fucked my aunt y'all
I was thirteen, skinny little freckle-faced kid
Growin' up in the country felt like doin' a bid
But the summers were my favorite when we swam in the lake
And trips to the city, what a magical place
First baseball game, man, I'll never forget
Crackerjacks, bleacher seats and the crack of the bat
My friend Tim caught a ball, but he gave it to me
And five years later, I fucked my aunt
Damn, I fucked my aunt...
I can't believe that I fucked my aunt...
Man, I really fucked my aunt...
I fucked my aunt, y'all...
Rainstorms always give me the blues
Worst one in ten years on the evening news
She rode her bike over cause the streets was closed
My aunt standing there in soaking wet clothes
We opened some wine and laughed like kids
She told me funny things that her and my mom did
But then my uncle called and she had to go
And twelve years later, I fucked her sister
It was my eighteenth birthday, the world was still new
My parents threw me a party as parents will do
My uncle's wife gave me a punny gift
It was an ant farm; man, she was a trip
Later that night I was up in my room
I watched as the small ant community bloomed
So simple, yet so complex, I contemplated my own life
And wondered what would come next
I took out my favorite ant and crushed it with my dick
And also, I fucked my aunt
Damn, I fucked my ant
And I fucked my aunt...
Man, we fucked our aunts...
We fucked our aunts, y'all...
Oh, I can't believe it
They fucked their aunts
I mean, I fucked my aunt, too
But you don't see me making songs about it
Although we technically didn't have sex
Just some above the clothes stuff
And some under the clothes stuff
I mean, what is sex, really?
Is it just penetration?
Or do you have to finish?
'Cause I finished...
Lonely Island, we've been in it for a minute now
This some grown man shit
I got that diaper money, I got that diaper money, dude
I got that diaper money, I'm a grown ass man
Yo, I got that diaper money cause my kids need to shit
So I stay on my hustle to keep my pocketbook thick
I got papers and papers and papes, all for my baby's mistakes
Just so my carpets and drapes don't get shit on 'em
I got that diaper money, I got that diaper money, dude
I got that diaper money, I'm a grown ass man
I got that wife pussy, I got that wife pussy
I got that wife pussy, I got that pussy on lock
I got that wife pussy on lock 24/7
Whenever she lets me I'm in same pussy heaven
And the best part about it is no one else can have it
And also I can't have it, unless she says I can
See a girl on the street and I can't, so I won't
See my wife at home and I would, but she hates my guts
Wife pussy, I got that wife pussy
I got that wife pussy, I got that pussy on lock
I got that grave plot, I got that grave plot
I got that grave plot, it's right off the highway
Wobble-dy, wobble-dy, drop into my grave plot
You afraid of death, well I'm afraid not
Cause I got the bomb spot, right off the highway
I did it my way, a very small percent of the time way
I got my coffin picked out, Styrofoam painted like wood, tricked out
It's even got handles to lower me smooth
And my tombstone only has minimal typos
Grave plot, I got that grave plot
I got that grave plot, right next to my dad
I got that diaper money
I got that wife pussy
I got that grave plot
Alright Spring Breakers, you know what time it is
I'm gonna need all the hot girls to come onto the stage right now
Fellas, let me hear you make some noise
Spring Break y'all
Kings of the pussy, pounding on brewskies
Banging chicks right there in the sand
Bros before hoes and chicks with no clothes and
Slammin' shots and marry a man
Who wanna do a shot? (we do)
I'm gonna get fucked up (me too)
We came for a week, we the kings of the beach
Spread water on the girls (T-shirt see-through)
(Cancun) party down
(Lauderdale) another round
(Havasu) crack a brew
Marry a man
Pranks when you're passed out, jokes about roofies
Making girls kiss, marry a man
Giant sombreros, show us your titties
Creatine shakes, marry a man
Spring Break y'all
Oh shit, I'm too fucked up, puke and rally, that's what's up
Booze cruise, raise your glass, snort that coke, off her ass
Two chicks at the dance hall, take it to the damn stalls
Trade these beads for their bra
So-Co in my canteen, got girls jumpin' on a trampoline
Two men bound by the law
Trashing hotel rooms, clogging up toilets
Beer goggles if she's a hag
Planning the menu, picking out flowers
Nailing sluts and writing our vows
Down here it's our time! Spring Breakers, let's get fucked up
Then find Mister Right and get monogamous
Picking our invite font as a twosome
Something tasteful but not too bland
Seating arrangements, charming the in-laws
Ripping beer bongs, sex with a man
We'll be so happy, true love forever
Two kings walking hand in hand
Promise to cherish, trust and respect him
Crushing pussy, marry a man
Five o'clock in the mornin, I hear the phone ringing. Yo what up, Dunn?
What up, son? Sorry, were you sleepin?
Nah, just finished reading this I'll-ass novel
Not the one about the girl who left her family up in Kabul?
That's the one, that shit was sad, had me cryin on the pages
Yo I read that muthafucka, had me sad as fuck for ages
Yo, we should start a book club
Yo son I hear you talkin, how bout Sunday afternoons right after speed walkin?
That's a date, but I know that ain't the reason for your callin
No doubt, you're so observant, musta noticed I was stallin
Yo, best friends gotta tell each other their secrets
I just came from Pam's work, and she dipped my heart in shit
Yo what, that's Baskin Robbins
Yo yo, you know the spot: where you order frozen treats, and they rip your heart apart
Yo I got what you need at the house, you cool to drive?
I'm pretty broken up, I might not make it there alive
Don't talk like that, now you're makin me wanna cry
Yo it's cool son, I'm fine, I'll be over there in five
'Ey yo it's I'll when I'm heated
Now my heart stay cold, now my heart stay cold, now my heart stay cold
'Ey yo it's I'll when I'm heated
Now my heart stay cold, now my heart stay cold, now my heart stay cold
Yo son, your house looks beautiful, did you redecorate?
Nah kid, the French lighting really opens up the place
Well it feels so spacious
It's an optical illusion
You didn't knock down a wall?
Nah son, it's light diffusion
My girlfriend Pam and I were planning on doing some home remodeling
Yeah she borrowed all my copies of Better Homes and Gardening
Yo I mean ex-girlfriend, can't believe this shit is happening
Yo, have this cup of tea
Man you'll never see those magazines. This tea is delicious, what'd you say it was?
Chamomile, muthafucka
Is it caffeinated, cause?
Nah, I'm tryin to cut down
Me and Pam were gonna too. Thought we'd always be a couple, not the one but the two
No doubt son, even when I was in my abusive relationship
I would look to you and Pam and know that true love could exist
Yo for real guy, I never knew you felt like that
No doubt, Dunnie, I thought you were a perfect match
'Ey yo it's I'll when I'm heated
Now my heart stay cold, now my heart stay cold, now my heart stay cold
'Ey yo it's I'll when I'm heated
Now my heart stay cold, now my heart stay cold, now my heart stay cold
Yo kid, this red wine's got me feelin fucked up
Watch out, Dunnie, you just knocked some right outta my cup
Oh fuck, that's my bad, it's all over your slacks
No doubt son, I'm soaked, from the front to the back
Oh shit, you're gettin naked!
Of course I am, bet. We gotta get these in the wash before the stain sets
Ah, fuck, man, you just get wine all over my vest
Yo take your shirt off quick, before it seeps down to your chest
Yo kid, we're both buck naked, are you uncomfortable?
Nah kid, we're two grown men, and we're both heterosexual
Word up, son
Hold on, yo did you just hear somethin?
Goddamn, it's fuckin Pam, she musta let herself in
What up Pam, how's it goin? What an awkward situation
Yo if you didn't know better, this might look incriminatin
Yo what wacky circumstances to lead all of this to happen
Yo, just like on fuckin Seinfeld, or Curb Your Enthusiasm
Those were both by Larry David
No doubt, Dunnie, that's true
Wait Pam, don't go, if you leave now we're through
Yo I'm sorry son, damn, what a tragic way to end
Adam Levine: YOLO
Andy: YOLO, you only live once.
The battle cry of a generation.
This life is a precious gift.
So don't get too crazy,
it's not worth the risk.Adam Levine:
You know that we are still young.
So don't be dumb.
Don't trust anyone,
cause you only live once.1
Kiv: Ugh, you only live once,
thats the motto.
So take a chill pill,
ease off the throttle.
Jorm: Never go to loud clubs
cause it's bad for your ears.
Your friends will all be sorry
when they can't hear.
Andy: And stay the hell away from drugs
cause they're not legal.
Then bury all your money in the backyard
like a beagle.
Kiv: Cause you should never trust a bank
They've been known to fail.
And never travel by car, a bus,
boat or by rail.
Jorm: And don't travel by plane.
And don't travel at all.
Built a bomb shelter basement
with titanium walls.
Andy: And where titanium suits
in case pianos fall on ya.
And never go in saunas
cause they're crawlin' with piranhas.
Kiv: And never take the stairs
cause they're often unsafe.
You only live once,
don't let it go to waste.Adam Levine:
You know that we are still young.
So hold off on the fun.
Cook your meat till its done,
cause you only live once.
Adam Levine:
You know that we are still young,
so hold off on the fun.
Cook your meat 'til it's done,
cause you only live once.2
Jorm: Yeah,
and here's another piece of advice:
Stay away from kids
cause their hair is filled with mad lice.
Andy: There's no such thing
as too much Purell.
This a cautionary tale,
word to George Orwell.
Kiv: So don't 1980 force
any plugs into sockets.
Always wear a chastity belt
and triple lock it.
Jorm: Then hire a taster
make him check your food for poison.
And if you think your mailman is a spy
then destroy him.
Andy: No blankets or pajamas
they can kill you in your sleep.
Two words about furniture:
killing machines.
Kiv: Board your windows up
the sun is bad for your health.
And always wear a straight jacket
so your safe from yourself.
Kendrick Lamar:
Take no chances (no chances)
Stop freelancin' (right now)
Invest in your future,
don't dilute your finances (uh huh)
401K, make sure it's low risk
Then get some real estate (how much?)
4.2%Thirty year mortgage,
that's important, that's a great deal
And if you can't afford it,
don't forge it on your last bill
Renting is for suckers right now
A dependable savings,
and you'll retire with money in your account.
Beast.
YOLO, say no no.
Isolate yourself
and just roll solo
Be care-folo
You oughta look out
also stands for YOLO.Adam Levine:
You know that we are still young.
Burn the prints off your thumbs.
Then pull out all your teeth,
so you can't bite your tongue.
Only on this earth for a short time, time
So don't go outside, cause you don't want to die, die.
Just take our advice and hide
and scream YOLO to the sky.
