Pete HolmesVerified account

@peteholmes

Comedian Pete Holmes. The Pete Holmes Show. You Made It Weird podcast. Free twitter feed.

Los Angeles
peteholmes.com
Joined February 2009
799 Photos and videos Photos and videos

Tweets

@peteholmes is blocked

Are you sure you want to view these Tweets? Viewing Tweets won't unblock @peteholmes.

  1. Aug 28 Los Angeles, CA

    if elected mayor, my first order of business will be putting faces on traffic lights.

    157 retweets 504 favorites
  2. Aug 28 Los Angeles, CA

    "i woke up like this" is actually a cover of the 1942 hit "what do you mean company's here? give me a second to put my face on"

    30 retweets 185 favorites
  3. Aug 28 Los Angeles, CA

    CHICAGO!! I'm doing standup at on 9/26! Get into it:

    View summary Hide summary 6 retweets 39 favorites
  4. Aug 27 Los Angeles, CA

    whoever picked popcorn as the only official snack of the movies was not as auditorially sensitive as i am please read this as woody allen

    98 retweets 567 favorites
  5. Aug 27 Los Angeles, CA

    what if when rob thomas dies he comes back as rob zombie

    250 retweets 701 favorites
  6. retweeted
    Aug 27

    Just announced: at the Woman’s Club on Friday, September 25 >

    7:35 AM - 27 Aug 2015 · Details
    10 retweets 42 favorites
  7. Aug 27 Los Angeles, CA

    98% of calls from Nikki Minaj are butt-dials

    230 retweets 667 favorites
  8. Aug 26 Los Angeles, CA

    i want a contact lens with words on it so wherever i look in the lower left it says

    65 retweets 310 favorites
  9. Aug 24

    i like to think flicking an ant off my arm is their vegas

    52 retweets 286 favorites
  11. Aug 21

    90% of money has cocaine on it. 100% of cocaine has money on it.

    142 retweets 489 favorites
  12. Aug 19 Los Angeles, CA

    a baked potato skiing with fries for poles is all i need to get a'gigglin

    67 retweets 345 favorites
  13. Aug 19 Los Angeles, CA

    from now on i'm calling onion rings "savory doughnuts"

    65 retweets 288 favorites
  14. Aug 19 Los Angeles, CA

    the great makes it weird TODAY! Get into it!

    View summary Hide summary 30 retweets 204 favorites
  15. Aug 18 Los Angeles, CA

    last day to get the inspired shirt !!

    12:30 PM - 18 Aug 2015 · Details
    5 retweets 43 favorites
  16. Aug 17 Los Angeles, CA

    i kept waiting for the villain in mission impossible to unveil the new iphone

    51 retweets 310 favorites
  17. Aug 16

    LA! August 24th , me, and a extra special musical guest not to be missed! I AM STOKED!

    View summary Hide summary 10 retweets 57 favorites
  18. Aug 16 Los Angeles, CA

    has searching 10 minutes for an emoji ever been worth it?

    121 retweets 497 favorites
  19. Aug 15 Los Angeles, CA

    the turtle: nature's winnebago

    74 retweets 291 favorites
  20. Aug 15 Los Angeles, CA

    say what you want about silent films, the boom's never in the shot.

    237 retweets 843 favorites

@peteholmes hasn't tweeted yet.

Loading seems to be taking a while.

Twitter may be over capacity or experiencing a momentary hiccup. Try again or visit Twitter Status for more information.

    You may also like

    ·