Poor CSIRO, poor Climate Authority. Their old science is being replaced by the new science of Bjorn Lomborg’s Copenhagen Consensus Model, which the Prime Minister’s Office has brought to Australia at the cost of $4 million.
Before Lomborg has even started sweating in his search for “consensus”, the mere founding of the UWA center has lead to a momentous discovery. We have finally found something from Scandinavia the Greens don’t want to import.
To get a handle on what the “Consensus Model” actually is, I read one of the reports. Bjorn picks a panel of “purely” objective eminent people, and presents them with investment proposals to do good in the next four years, which they proceed to rank on cost/benefit analysis.
It’s like the public service, but it comes in a glossy brochure. Hence, consensus: among the people chosen by Bjorn, about proposals chosen by Bjorn. It is like Melbourne Football journalist Mike Sheahan’s top 50 players in the AFL, but less impartial.
Basically, Bjorn generates advice on how to spend our aid budget, even though by the end of May our aid budget might be the $4 million we give to Bjorn. I suppose it’s nice to know how we would save the world if we had a heart.
We could grumble about the chronic underfunding of Mike Sheahan endlessly. What the CSIRO must recognize is we live in Abbott-land now, and King Abbott needs practical science. Reports on climate change aren’t useful. Its useless, the Australian people spoke on this issue last election. They believe climate change is not a problem, which the Government should solve through “direct action”. Sure it’s a contradiction, but don’t blame the Prime Minister, he didn’t vote for it.
Bjorn re-assured Tony Abbott that climate change is no big deal, and instead he should invest in geo-engineering: the unproven science of intervening in the climate to bring down temperatures.
The CSIRO need to do like Bjorn, give Tony some useful science. To help the CSIRO get started I’ve outlined a few research proposals sure to get funding:
1. Investigate the use of Geo-Engineering to manipulate ocean currents, to turn asylum seeker boats around automatically, or re-direct them to our enemies, or New Zealand. If successful we could export this technology to help Europe stop their boats. As Kate Hopkins has shown us, stopping boats is a universal human desire.
2. Staying on Geo-Engineering, can it be weaponized? For a country with a complete inability to build submarines this could be the answer to our defense needs. China threatens Australia with a trade tariff; we strike back with snow, ice, and cutting winds. Indonesia talks tough on boats, cover the archipelago in cloud for six months. Lets see how tough they are without Vitamin D! Send Melbourne’s 45-degree heat to New Zealand, just because.
3. Gay marriage, what do we know about it? Nothing. There is no data to support the contention gay marriage undermines marriage or society in general, and none to support the contention that gay couples are not gay parents. The CSIRO should look into it. Will it bring down society? Will a person like Tony who finds homosexuality “threatening” suffer adverse health consequences if he walks past a gay marriage? Will gay weddings cause obesity? These are questions we all want the answers to, and the answer is yes.
4. Is Tony Abbott’s work out routine the ideal fitness program? Should it be compulsory in schools? How could Tony Abbott enhance his already amazing physical prowess?
5. Mining - we know it is brilliant for the economy. It saved us from the GFC, subsidizes all our arts and culture, and employs every Australian everywhere in the world indirectly. Accepting coal, lead, and uranium are dirty, isn’t taking them out of the land good for the environment? Think about it CSIRO.
6. Butter Chicken, why is it delicious and can other dishes be made as delicious?
7. What are the natural predators, weaknesses, and habitats of Human Right’s Lawyers. How do they breed? Can we disrupt their breeding patterns by building freeways through the latte belt, or putting a tax on wine bars?
These are just the ideas I came up with today and I am not even a scientist! I got a C- in High School science. Imagine what the CSIRO boffins could achieve if they paired their brilliant minds with Lomborg-like desire to please Tony Abbott?
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This user is a New Matilda supporter. nobody456
Posted Friday, April 24, 2015 - 11:30
There is way too much truth and practical advice in this article.
This user is a New Matilda supporter. lindsayb
Posted Friday, April 24, 2015 - 12:50
The sooner "scientists" realise that it is their job to ask questions that make the government look good, the happier Abbottulism will be. Who do they think they are anyway? Trying to confuse their betters with "facts" and suchlike!
Sam G
Posted Friday, April 24, 2015 - 18:35
At last , some real work for the csiro .I would like to add one more . Can they change when dusk and dawn arrive in different areas so we don't have the inconvience of having to change the clocks twice a year ,(except Queensland of course who have already worked it out ) .
Christopher_M
Posted Sunday, April 26, 2015 - 17:07
Buttermilk Chicken is Yum Az. I know because my son told me after he'd consumed three cones - and don't go getting that all unscientifically screwed up in your "war-on-anythng" mentalities. Now is time for the CSIRO to butt right out - there are some things which are not approachable through linear equations.
I don't mind changing my clocks twice a year. They need to be put back on the right time occasionally - although it does mean the kids miss their school bus for a few days until they adapt.
There is a major problem with abbotulism and the form of dementia it engenders. We have just demonstrated on almost all fronts this weekend a complete disregard for the truth or even an effective fiction - lest we remember! And clearly we are doing our level best not to learn from history - whatever that is.
BTW, where do vice-chancellors come from? That one, currently in the news, seems to have hopped out of a cornflakes packet replete with Lomborgotomy.
Paul Wray
Posted Sunday, April 26, 2015 - 17:43
I started off ready to enjoy the satire, but to enjoy this, you really need to believe that Abbott and his cronies don't actually know what they are doing. Basically you need to believe that they are stupid. While no doubt this is a comforting belief to adopt, it does not begin to explain their policies. Indeed, it is very useful to them if people believe them to be merely clowns.
These 'clowns' will have the last laugh, and in fact have been laughing all along at a population too stupid to see what is really happening. As Australia is sold down the river to become that banana republic, who's going to be raking in the profits from those bananas, that coal, uranium, real estate, those services that can no longer be afforded by the Common Wealth? Take a guess.
Can't think what Australia's next big resource opportunity might be? Look in the mirror.
You think the disinvestment in solar and other renewables is due to stupidity? Something our country is uniquely placed to carry forward, something which would benefit us more than possibly any other country? Think. Again.
Think about it. You believe in the rightness of capitalism like you believe that your mother loves you. You're in charge now, and you need to make that rational economic decision. Are you going to waste time getting down and dirty, trying to improve the pitiful lot of those greasy plebians? Or are you going to fly, as befits your birthright? Duh, tough choice!
Hope you enjoyed your 100th Anzac day anniversary cobbers! Panem et circenses!
Christopher_M
Posted Sunday, April 26, 2015 - 18:05
Paul, it's all spelt out in the 75 point plan provided to Abbott when he worshipped at the feet of the son of the founder of the IPA, Gina, Adani and George Pell. Unless I have completely misinterpreted your point, I am only laughing at the fact that they will go down with us and they are too stupid to see that. But down we will most certainly go and outright revolution should be on the cards before it is too late.
Christopher_M
Posted Sunday, April 26, 2015 - 18:10
Oh and Paul, you can throw in the closure of the remote communities into the same plan - I don't think the IPA actually included that - but greed can be prone to oversights.
raismail
Posted Monday, April 27, 2015 - 00:29
Rather than these dry, serious proposals Matthew you should have indulged in some light hearted satire. A hard task, I know, in the face of a Government that satirises itself so mercilessly.