Man Just Needs To Power Through Another Day Of Not Being Broke And Unemployed

CHICAGO—After listing off a litany of reasons why he cannot stand his current job, local 27-year-old Don Rutland told reporters Friday that he just needs to power through another day of not being broke and unemployed.

Marathon Training Tips

Running a marathon is a major life goal for many people, but it takes precise planning and extensive training to succeed in the 26.2-mile-long race. Here are some training tips for marathon hopefuls:

Americans Take Brief Break From Waiting On Hold With Insurance Providers To Celebrate Obamacare Ruling

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s decision to uphold crucial portions of the Affordable Care Act, citizens across the country reportedly took a brief break Thursday from waiting on hold with their insurance providers to celebrate.

Family Enters Crisis Talks After Learning Restaurant Has 45-Minute Wait

SKOKIE, IL—Convening several steps back from the hostess stand for an ad hoc round of discussions, members of the Kalpern family reportedly entered crisis talks Wednesday after learning that the wait for a table at the Cheesecake Factory would be 45 minutes.

In The News

Candidate Profile: Bobby Jindal

Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal declared Wednesday his candidacy for the 2016 presidential nomination, although the Rhodes Scholar and one-time Republican rising star faces difficult odds in a jam-packed primary field. Here’s what you need to know about Jindal

Mom Triumphantly Drags Hotel Pool Lounge Chair Back To Family Like Fresh Kill

ENCINITAS, CA—Proudly hauling her prized prey across the Holiday Inn Express’ patio Saturday afternoon, mother of three Bonnie Cohn reportedly dragged a pool lounge chair back to her awaiting family like a fresh kill, onlookers confirmed.

World’s Frogs Unveil 5-Million-Year Plan To Move Up Food Chain

EARTH—Declaring that they had occupied a low-level rung in the global ecosystem for far too long, the world’s frogs revealed Thursday an ambitious 5-million-year plan to move up the food chain.

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The Onion Reviews ‘Jurassic World’

The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews ‘Jurassic World’ in this week’s Film Standard.

The Onion Looks Back At ‘The Goonies’

The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at ‘Goonies’ in this week’s Film Standard.
The Seven Male Role Models Every Child Needs For A Healthy Upbringing

How many positive male role models do your children have? On Mothershould, Grace Manning-Devlin says that if they don’t have these seven, they could grow up severely stunted.
How To Successfully Sue Other Moms Who Steal Your Parenting Tricks

On Mothershould, Grace Manning-Devlin helps viewers build a legal case when their parenting tricks are used by parental plagiarists.
13-Year-Old Drinking Prodigy Accepted To Ohio State

On Today Now!, the incredible Tyler Morgan shows off the binge drinking talent that got him into Ohio State. More from this episode.
The Onion Reviews 'Avengers: Age Of Ultron'

The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'Avengers: Age Of Ultron' in this week's Film Standard.

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Supreme Court Legalizes Gay Marriage After Landmark 193,000,000-115,000,000 Decision

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Obamacare: Recklessly Providing More Americans With Access To Longer Lifespans

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Frustrated David Ortiz Breaks Bat Boy Over Knee

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Scalia, Thomas, Roberts, Alito Suddenly Realize They Will Be Villains In Oscar-Winning Movie One Day

WASHINGTON—Shortly after turning in dissenting opinions in landmark federal rulings today that struck down the Defense of Marriage Act and conferred full federal benefits to married same-sex couples, Supreme Court justices Antonin Scalia, Clarence T...
Supreme Court On Gay Marriage: 'Sure, Who Cares'

WASHINGTON—Ten minutes into oral arguments over whether or not homosexuals should be allowed to marry one another, a visibly confounded Supreme Court stopped legal proceedings Tuesday and ruled that gay marriage was “perfectly fine” and ...
Supreme Court Rules In Favor Of Most Buck-Wild Pride Parade Nation’s Ever Seen
Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices
Gay Marriage In America: The March To Destroy Traditional Values

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‘Prince George Effect’ Leads To Skyrocketing Croc Sales
Samsung Introducing ‘Clear Truck’ To Make Driving Safer
The Gay Rights Movement In America: A Timeline

The Supreme Court ruled in a 5-4 decision Friday that bans on gay marriage are unconstitutional, concluding decades of hard-fought battles by gay rights activists to grant marriage equality to all. Here is a timeline of milestones in the gay rights movement in the U.S.
Supreme Court Rules In Favor Of Most Buck-Wild Pride Parade Nation’s Ever Seen
Report: Only 47,000 Social Justice Milestones To Go Before U.S. Achieves Full Equality

TV Listings

Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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