Dara Ó Briain (Irish pronunciation: [ˈd̪ˠaɾˠə oː ˈbʲɾʲiənʲ], born 4 February 1972) is an Irish stand-up comedian and television presenter, noted for hosting topical panel shows such as The Panel, Mock the Week and Dara O Briain: School of Hard Sums .
He has also featured on Don't Feed the Gondolas, Have I Got News For You, QI, The Apprentice: You're Fired! and Stargazing Live. The Irish Independent described him as "Terry Wogan's heir apparent as Britain's 'favourite Irishman'". Writing for The Evening Standard, Bruce Dessau noted that "If you don’t laugh at Ó Briain, check your pulse, you must be dead."
Since January 2006, Ó Briain has taken part in the BBC Three Men in a Boat series, with Rory McGrath and Griff Rhys Jones. The series, broadcast in a pair of episodes around new year in 2006 and then every year since 2008, has consistently had around 3 million viewers.
In 2007, he was voted the 42nd greatest stand-up comic on Channel 4's 100 Greatest Stand-Ups and again in the updated 2010 list as the 16th greatest stand-up comic.
On your porch
There’s nothing better than the heat from this morning sun
Daylight creeps on
Waking up shadows
On your back… you told me
Things you swore you’d never tell
Every word your lips release
You know you turn me on
There’s so much I wanna do with you
You know you make me wanna stay
(Can I come inside with you)
There’s so much I wanna do with you
Does that work for you
Taste your lips
There’s nothing better that a kiss from the one you love
Can’t resist…
I give myself to you
I give myself to you
Tie you up
Pull out the diamonds
Pull out the snakes
Whatever you want
You know you turn me on
There’s so much I wanna do with you
You know you make me wanna stay
(Can I come inside with you)
There’s so much I wanna do with you
Does that work for you
Just get comfortable
And close your eyes
As they disappear inside your head
And you arch your back
And you start to scream
There’s so much I wanna do with you
You know you make me wanna stay
(Can I come inside with you)
There’s so much I wanna do with you
Does that work for you
I can't wrap my mind around it
I never thought that much about…
baby what do you mean
I can't stand and face this world alone
I wish you'd make your way back home…
You're the one that I need
I know its my own fault you left me
‘cause I could never give you the love…
you were giving to me
Aww….Make a u-turn, make a u-turn baby
Wont you turn around make a u-turn …
And come back to me
I know…(I know)
Why I got a cold shoulder
From those angel wings
But please don't go…(don't go)
Come on turn around, love
And make a u-turn to me
Just give me one last chance to make it right
One more dance to hold you tight…
And make you believe
Yeah… I can make a change, I can make a change baby
Open up your heart…
Cause I’m coming clean
Aww….Make a u-turn, make a u-turn baby
Wont you turn around make a u-turn …
And come back to me
I know…(I know)
Why I got a cold shoulder
From those angel wings
But please don't go…(don't go)
Come on turn around, love
And make a u-turn to me
I never meant…
No… I never meant to hurt you..ohh
I want you back…
I want you so bad…
Come back to me……….Yeah
And I know…(I know)
Why I got a cold shoulder
From those angel wings
But please don't go…(don't go)
Come on turn around, love
And make a u-turn
And I know…(I know)
Why I got a sour taste
From the sweetest thing
But baby don't go…(don't go)
Come on turn around, love
He’ll stare you right in the eyes
And tell you all his lies
He’ll tuck you in at night
Something doesn’t sit just right
How could so many be so blind
The Devil’s always…
Left left
Left right left
Left left
Left right left
His sympathetic face
Not one hair out of place
It’s all mirrors and smoke
He’s laughing at his own jokes
How could so many be so blind
When they’re the punch line
Left left
Left right left
Left left
Left right left
The Devil’s always in disguise
The Devil’s always in disguise
We’ve got to open up our eyes
The Devil’s always in disguise
Left left
Left right left
Left left
Left right left
The fate of this world
Is in the hands of the dirty rich
Born bred and raised almighty
Can do no wrong as long as the faith
They create supports their hate
Their ideology their insanity
After all we are the people
We are free to choose free to assemble
We are free to react and to resist
We are free to unify and join together
As power is in numbers
Drinking more Than I ever have before
I cant explain The way the rain Feels when it
Hits my skin
It's caving in
I need more medicine To kill the pain
I'm burning up I can feel the flame
Another cigarette To fill the space
Another breath I cant replace
I can ruin myself
I can see myself in Ruin
An angel cries Through the night
Waiting on An alibi
While I've got demons dancing Through the halls
Of my mind
What am I?
I'm confident I'm insecure
without gravity Ive got no control
I'm a wrecking ball And you're porcelain
See our citadel
Its crumbling
I can ruin myself
I can see myself in Ruin
I can build myself
It’s the tower thats so hard to see
It wouldn’t hurt to fall
I'm so close to the ground
It wouldn’t hurt to fall
I'm already down
It wouldn’t hurt to fall
I'm so close to the ground
It wouldn’t hurt to fall
I'm already down
It wouldn’t hurt to fall
Im so close to the ground
It wouldn’t hurt to fall
Im already down
It wouldn’t hurt to fall
I'm so close to the ground
It wouldn’t hurt to fall
Suzie...You make me cry with your beauty,
I would love to touch your booty,
Give me a dollar...
Suzie...
Sometimes I cry at night,
I wanna hold you tight,
I wanna go pee...
Suzie...
You are the prettiest girl,
Coco, the talking monkey...She says...
Apple, nipple, hungry,
Apple, nipple, hungry,
Coco, the talking monkey...
She said...
Nipple, apple, crap,
I wanna be Coco,
I wanna live in a zoo!
I wanna be Coco,
I wanna smear my poo on the wall!
Apple, nipple, monkey,
Apple, nipple, monkey,
Apple, nipple, monkey,
Apple, nipple, pussy, vagaina,
She said...
Oh, and she said booger!
Sign language,
Talking monkey,
Apple, nipple, monkey,
Fishy, swimming around the tank,Looking for something,
But what will you find?
Looking for food, perhaps?
Looking for dreams, perhaps?
Looking for plankton...
Looking for salad...
Fishy, Fishy,
Fishy, Fishy,
In the tank, holding onto fears,
Holing onto being,
Schoolbus... yea that's gonna workUgghh Ugghh
That is good... ok
Hold on, I gotta sip on my Sipps
Schoolbus (x3)
Schoolbusses are fun to ride,
Schoolbus,
It's fun to die!
Looking over at Suzie looking pretty,
Oh, I'm so pretty I'm Suzie!
Could we, want to kiss you on the lips,
Go ahead, try it!
I Want to feel your mother's hips,
What?
Schoolbus (x2)
Schoolbuuuussssss,
In the rain,
Coming back again,
Oh, here it comes
When grandpa died,
I got on the schoolbus and cried,
For an angel, a school angel...
Oh, oh, I think I'm dying son
Don't die grandpa!
I don't think I can make it this time
Don't die grandpa!
It might just be gas...
Oh fuck everybody... grandpa's dead!
Schoolbus!
Riding on the schoolbus!
Riding on an evil train,
With horney mom's and kittens,
Meowwww Rrrroew
Grandpa's dead now long term sleep...
You start-off, my wishesNo you start-off
AND WEEEEE!
Oh my God!
There was this guy and a keyboard,
And he went...
WEEEEE!
Oh my God!
Then I went up to my Mom,
And she went...
WEEEEE!
That's alright!
Cause I went over to my Dad,
And he went...
WEEEEE!
Oh my God!
Then there was this guy
And he goes 'hey I got a knife'
And I go...
WEEEEE!
Yo! I ran into a tough Gangsta,
And he was like 'Yo, muthafucka'
WEEEEE!
Yo! I saw R2D2 on the street,
And it was like...
WEEEEE! BLEEEEEEP!
Yo! I saw this kid in a wheelchair,
And he was going over the hill really fast,
And he was like...
WEEEEE!
Yo! I was searching for seats here,
And this guy he was like 'I got popcorn'
And I was like... OH MY GOD!
WEEEEE!
When you're a kid and you wanna go 'weeeee'.
But you ain't got drugs yet!
You hold on for your life,
Hold on to your little gonads... in strife...
Gonads in strife (x3)
Gonads in strife (x3)
Gonads in strife (x3)
Gonads in strife (x3)
Gonads in the lightning...
In the lightning... in the rain...
WEEEEE!
YO! I saw a squirrel run across the street,
And he didn't get hit by a car,
So it was like...
TURBO JETSDreamin', on a cloud,
Fantasies, of live, again,
Where did you go, I miss you,
My love is shattered,
My love is shattered... like an egg,
I've got my pants down,
And I'm bleeding,
I'm sitting down,
and reading, a book...
About your fantasies,
About your panties,
About a bear eating honey,
The mighty fire dragon,Emerges from the pits of hell,
In one hand, he has a gold fish bowl,
(the mighty fire dragon)
In the other, 3 fat heads of Jell-O,
The mighty fire dragon,
Heaves his might body up onto land,
The mighty fire dragon,
(the mighty fire dragon)
The mighty fire dragon,
Wields the sword of fire,
(the mighty fire dragon)
The mighty fire dragon,
Reads Sunday's New York Times
The mighty fire dragon,
(the mighty fire dragon)
The mighty fire dragon,
Is not afraid of demons of bees,
He can quash them with his mighty fire,
That comes from his mighty mouth,
The mighty fire dragon,
(the mighty fire dragon)
The mighty fire dragon,
Gazes upon the land,
At the people and the trees,
The mighty fire dragon,
I'm thugged out...Shit! For real!
Check it!
Muthafucka, I'm pizzy,
I came to play,
With my gun and my dizzy,
I live on my leaf,
I like to eat that shit too!
Step back bitch! While I take my poo,
I like to run around in the tree,
Look at that bird... It's gonna eat me!
FUCK THAT! I'll shoot him with my GAT!
Those fucka's step back, cap cap cap,
I can't breathe,
Check me out while I smoke my weed,
I'm thugged out...
Whoa, shit!
If I had a bike,
It would have mad peddles,
Cause I got fifty legs,
Holy shit!
Word...
Out on the street...
Sellin' my rocks,
If they don't got money,
They get a taste of my glock,
I like killin'! I like illin'!
Yo muthafucka I just be chillin'!
Cause I'm pizzy!
Fishies go swim...!In the sea...!
Fishies go swim...!
In the sea...!
Fishies go swim...!
In the sea...!
Fishies go swim...!
In the sea...!
Fishies go swim...!
In the sea...!
Fishies go swim...!
In the sea...!
Fishies go swim...!
In the sea...!
Fishies go swim...!
In the sea...!
Fishies go swim...!
In the sea...!
Fishies go swim...!
In the sea...!
Fishies go swim...!
In the sea...!
Fishies go swim...!
In the sea...!
Fishies go swim...!
In the sea...!
Fishies go swim...!
In the sea...!
Fishies go swim...!
In the sea...!
Fishies go swim...!
Jimmy the water's cold out there
You've been out there for hours, Jimmy
Come on... it's time for dinner...
Look out for Hypothermia,
Your nuts are so small,
Because it's cold in the water today...
You can't feel your feet,
You can't feel your helmet,
You can't feel your legs,
And you're all sleepy and stuff!
Look out for Hypothermia!
You're just a kid,
You're too young to die today...
No fuck it! I want you to die you little shit!
It puts the lotion in the basket,
Take off your cloths cause you're cold,
And you're gonna die!
Look out for Hypothermia,
Look out for Daddies beatings,
Look out for Mom...
She wearing those shoes that you hate,
Your life is going before your eyes,
And you remember the way,
That ice-cream tasted,
LOOK OUT FOR HYPOTHERMIA!
Dead's your life, your dead...
Your dead...
Your dead...
It puts the lotion in the basket
You're so special to me,It makes my heart go pee,
You're so special to me,
It makes my penis go pee,
That's why I feel free!
Whenever you're around me...
I go pee...
Pee... pee... pee...
You're so special to me,
You make my eyes go pee,
I'm so special to you,
I'm eating a monkey salad
I'm eating a monkey salad
I'm eating a monkey salad
Cause my friend said
It would taste good
The monkey tried
Not to be a salad
But I stabbed him
With my fork and my knife
I'm eating a monkey salad
I'm eating a monkey salad
I'm the Fleshman!I'm the Fleshman!
I live behind the toolshed,
I'm the Fleshman!
I'm the Fleshman!
I got fleshy hands,
I got a fleshy head,
I'm Fleshman!
I'm crazy Fleshman!
Don't come near me with scissors,
Or you might cut my flesh,
I'm the Fleshman!
Fleshman!
Fleshman!
I'm the Fleshman!
I'm crazy Fleshman!
I got so much flesh,
Make a wallet out of my breasts,
Fishies goes swim...In the sea...
Fishies goes swim...
In the sea...
TURBO JET
Did you ever fly away home? Fishy!
I can't believe the way you fly!
I'm telling my mommy on you!
We've never fly away,
I'm going bye! I love you! I love you!
FISHY! oh....
Whats holding onto me...I wanna go...
And swim with the other fishies,
And swim with the other fishies,
I wanna go...
Swim with the other fishies...
You fuckin' octopus... fuck you!
Let me go...
I want to swim...
Free like a slut!
Free like a dirty slut!
Octopus... go fuck yourself!
Fishy! Fishy! Fishy!
My name is Fishy!
And I like to swim!
In the sea...
In the sea...
I'm the fishy...
Youu were my bestest pal.
You said your last meow.
I'll always miss you, forever.
You were my greatest pal.
Kittyy!
You're a dream!
I'm dying without youu
Finding out the truth.
I've always loved your tooth.
I'm trying to hold in all of my PEE.
MAH PEE, KITTY!
I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU!
I'm tryin'!
I'm tryin' to breathe!
I'm finding out that I'm
A loser.
I've always known that I'm your pal.
Oh I can't talk to other
Humans!
THEY FREAK ME OUT!
HOLD ON TO ME!
It's just a dream!.
I'm finding out.
That I'm a LOSER!
I've always wanted to go to spain.
I've always played with my-
PENIS EVERY DAY!
And, oh Kitty!
I know you're in heaven now!
Say it to God you don't meow.
MEOW.
Aagh!
AAAGH!
I miss you, kitty.
In the rain.
I walk alone.
At the bowling alleyAt the bowling alley I got a strike I
went 'weeeeee' At the bowling alley At the bowling alley
Gimme a beat, Jim. I got sumthin to say.(okay. here's
your beat!)
Hey America
(hey ameri-ca)
we're too dependent on oil (stop the drilling!)
we need to make,uh, economy cars- no, eco-cars
that don't use any oil.
are you readyy?
you ready, Jim? you got the beat?
(I'm readyy)
the beat goes-
nook-you-lar powerr..
solar powerr..
solar-powered flashlight,
solar-powered loove.
solar-powered automobiles,
solar-powered loove.
solar-powered chipmunk
takin' a shit
TAKIN' A SHIT!
FUCK YOU!
Sweet little child,In the womb,
Sweet little child,
In the womb,
The burrito is so warm
Sweet little baby,
In the womb,
The womb is your room,
The burrito is a warm litte pillow,
Sweet little baby,
In the womb,
Your Mommy loves you,
You'll only be there for awhile,
Then it's out,
Apples and pie!All I want every meal! Is pie! Bannanas
and cream! Bannanas and cream! Bannanas and apples and a
It's Valentines day again,Holding onto the wind... and
you!
It's Valentines day again...
Pass me that carrot...
Or I'll fuckin' kill you!
Pass me that carrot...
Or I'll fuckin' kill you!
I'm hungry..,
Hungry like a tiger,
I wanna hold on to you,
Really...
Actually, I just wanna hold onto your butt,
Shake it around...
Shake it and make me cry...
It's Valentines day...
It's Valentines day...
Pass me the carrot...
System overload,System shutdown,
Oh my God!
System overload,
Maximum drive,
Maximum drive,
Shutdown,
Shutdown,
Meltdown,
Meltdown,
Holy Shit!
Shake Yo Can, baby!
Shake Yo Can, baby!
Like a man, baby!
Like a man, baby!
Shake Yo Can, baby!
Shake yo can like a man, baby!
Move them feet!
Shake Yo Cannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...........
Well i'm look at the sun,Riding a fanatasy, Don't know
where to run, Some might think, There's bugs in my eyes
(x4) Bugs in my eyes... There's a caterpilla peeing on my