surprise!

Gross Josh Duggar Admits To Molesting His Own Sisters, Resigns From Family Research Council

This story has been updated with news of Josh Duggar’s resignation from the Family Research Council, see below. Wednesday, Wonkette reported that Josh Duggar, who now works for the anti-gay Family Research Council hate group, had been accused of maybe sex criming a minor, when he was 14. Wonkette used a lot of “allegedly” in our report, because there was a lot that hadn’t been confirmed, and people sure do hate the Duggars, with good reason. However, InTouch ...

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Also Won't Go In Against A Sicilian When Death Is On The Line

Shifty Barack Obama Won’t Even Admit He Invented ISIS

Barack Obama is fairly sure he’s learned the lesson of the Iraq War, even if Republican presidential candidates are still working on figuring out what it was (Lesson: Stop asking about 2003 and blame Obama). In an interview with The Atlantic’s Jeffrey Goldberg published Thursday, Obama notes that he thought the Iraq war was a bad idea in 2003 — even knowing what we knew then. He also blamed the rise of ISIS on the unwillingness of the Iraqi government to actually govern ...

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Like On A Trail You Know?

Boy Scouts President Says Gay Scout Leaders Just Fine, Haters Can Take A Hike

It will look just like this.

Hurray, we have a Nice Time, and it is about the Boy Scouts! If you search your noggin, you’ll remember way back in 2013, when the entire Boy Scouts of America (BSA) got homosexual agendaed, because they lifted the ban on gay scouts, but kept the ban in place for adult members of the organization. Despite the fact that we are talking about KIDS, this did not stop religious right goons like Bryan Fischer and Kevin Swanson from making juvenile rage jokes about sodomy badges and also Boy ...

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make love not war

Ben Carson Coulda Killed Bin Laden And Saddam Without Going To War, Just Like JFK Did

His brain is broken.

Ben Carson made a Dumb again! He was trying and failing, like so many other Republican candidates before him, to answer the question, “would you have invaded Iraq?” To his credit, he said it was a mistake! But he said he would have gotten rid of Saddam Hussein anyway. How? He would use WAYS: “I’ve said definitively that I was never in favor of going into Iraq,” Carson told The Hill in a phone interview, noting that he has previously addressed the matter in some of his books. ...

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Global Worming

Jeb Bush: People Need To Stop Being So Uppity About Climate Science

Honestly, what do we know, even?

Jeb Bush has had just about enough of these people who think that science actually proves anything, and he’s not going to let Barack Obama get away with arrogantly telling people that climate change is real, or that we know why it’s happening. So Wednesday, after the President devoted much of his commencement address at the Coast Guard Academy to discussing the national security implications of climate change, Bush just couldn’t hold his tongue anymore, and not just ...

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I really need this job please Allah I need this job

So You Think You Can Be An Al Qaeda? Show Us What You Got.

No, don't apply for jihad, koala bear! Don't do it!

The Obama administration dumped some documents on Wednesday related to the raid in Abbottabad, Pakistan, which SUPPOSEDLY resulted in the many-shots-fired-to-the-face killing of Osama bin Laden, if you’re willing to believe the lamestream media. Seems the administration would like to poke some holes in Seymour Hersh’s fantastical tale about what REALLY happened that night. For instance, Hersh claimed that, despite official reports that the SEALs pilfered a treasure trove of ...

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you don't say

BREAKING: Bush And Cheney MAY HAVE Said Some Lies In Lead-Up To Iraq War

We are so good at lies!

Everybody with two brain cells to rub together at least SUSPECTS that there was some fishy business in the run-up to the war on Iraq, what with the fact Saddam had not attacked us, no WMDs were ever found, etc. And Iraq is back in the news right now, mostly because Jeb Bush, brother of brush-clearing, flightsuit-wearing George W. Bush, has been stepping all over his own dick for a week, trying to explain how the Iraq war wasn’t a mistake, except that it was, NO YOU SHUT UP, etc. Marco ...

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Twirling Twirling Twirling Towards Freedom

Strangely Lucid Rand Paul ‘Filibusters’ Patriot Act, Will Get Back To Being Insane Tomorrow

A moment of lucidity

Rand Paul spoke for 10 1/2 hours Wednesday against the Patriot Act and NSA surveillance, doing that thing that he does where he makes a lot of sense for a while before his next inevitable plunge into pure libertarian lunacy. Like his 2013 long speech against drones, it wasn’t a real filibuster, because it actually took place during the time allotted to debate on the Trans-Pacific Partnership trade bill, but it was a noble stand for liberty and the freedom to be left alone, and ...

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document dumps

Hillary Clinton’s Emails Are Sexplosion Of Benghazi Lies, Betrayal And Glamour Shots

Giving the orders for BENGHAZI?????!?!!!!?

The day has finally come, where we get to begin feasting at the buffet of Hillary Clinton’s emails! Will we find the underage sex slaves and the Russian blackmail? Will we finally find a bad thing for Rand Paul to use against her, because he is too lazy to find one himself? Will we find the email confirmations from Travelocity, for a quick there-and-back trip to Benghazi, so she could personally murder the American ambassador herself??? Meh. But there are things about Benghazi, namely ...

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B Movie Plots Are Not Good Governance

Let’s Get Waco Biker Gangs To Shoot Up The Muslims, How About That?

This oughta be GOOD

It takes a special kind of mind to look at the madness of Sunday’s Great Big Waco Biker Massacre and see an opportunity for directing all that hatred elsewhere, which is why we admire the ingenuity of this brilliant idea from Sandy Rios, radio gabber for the American Patriarchy Association. Instead of just letting America’s outlaw biker gangs’ energy go to waste with internecine fighting, why not use the Magic Of Jesus to turn those bad boys to the right side of the law, ...

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How dare you quote his own words to him

GOP Senator Loves Iran, Hates Obama, Wants You To Shut Up About That Now

Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Traitor)

Check out this giant steaming pile of Iran-shaped elephant manure Wisconsin’s Republican Sen. Ron Johnson stepped in: “Now, a President who was awarded the 2013 Politifact Lie of the Year, if you like your healthcare plan you can keep it, period. If you like your doctor you can keep it, period. They lied boldfaced to the American public repeatedly with Obamacare,” the Wisconsin senator said at a recent town hall in Cerdarburg, Wisconsin. “I don’t know, I hate to admit it, but in terms ...

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Louie Louie...A Me Gotta Goh-Mert

Congressdolt Louie Gohmert: Iraq War Was A Mistake Because Obama Has Boner For Our Enemies

Just pump it a few times and we'll get that thought out, 'kay?

Texas congressoaf Louie Gohmert offered a new variation on this week’s popular “Was The Iraq War A Good Idea” theme Tuesday, explaining that if George W. Bush had only known he’d be succeeded by the Very Bad President Barack Obama, he never would have invaded Iraq, because Barack Obama loves ISIS and wants to gay-marry ISIS and have a bunch of ISIS terrorist babies with ISIS. In an interview with rightwing Virginia radio talker John Fredericks, Gohmert explained that ...

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It's gonna be YOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!

President Donald Trump Will Build YOOOGE Gold-Plated Fence To Keep Out Messicans

Here is how Donald Trump will save you, America

Obviously, you are already voting for Donald Trump for president, because he is the bestest, most qualifiedest, most expertest, most EVERYTHINGEST guy who is not running for president but just might this time, maybe, we’ll see! But in case you are some kind of idiot who is not already begging Donald Trump on the Twitters to please save America and the world, with presidenting, his immigration policy — which he unveiled in an interview with David Brody, the Christian ...

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I Saw Mommy Choked By Papa Bear

Now Even Court Transcripts Are Lying About How Bill O’Reilly Maybe Beated Up His Wife

Just a couple days after the story broke of Bill O’Reilly’s alleged abuse of his ex-wife, Maureen McPhilmy, court transcripts have surfaced that appear to support the allegation that Bill O’Reilly assaulted McPhilmy in front of their daughter several years ago. Gawker ran excepts from the transcripts of the child custody trial in which McPhilmy was recently awarded custody of the couple’s two teenaged children. The transcripts cover the testimony of psychologist ...

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I'll take "false equivalency" for $500 Alex

Ted Cruz Wishes America Would Focus A Little Less On Buttsex, A Little More On ISIS

Definitely nothing sexy on his brain.

America, you have GAY SEX ON THE BRAIN. You are thinking about it right now, in fact! How else can Ted Cruz explain why everybody keeps asking him about things like “gay marriage” and “equality?” It’s obviously because The Liberals (read: everybody to the left of Ted Cruz’s dad and Genghis Khan) are just too busy thinking about guys boning each other to focus on the important stuff, like ISIS: “Is there something about the left — and I am going to ...

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That's not what 'libertarian' means

Rand Paul Thinks States Should Regulate Your Vag, Except For When He Wants To

You can trust him, he's a doctor

The “libertarian” senator from Kentucky does not want to talk about abortion, m’kay? Bitcoins and drones and how we should go back to the 1800s except for that slavery stuff, maybe, and Bill Clinton’s blowjob (totally Hillary’s fault) — that’s all good. Rand Paul loves that stuff. He will trip over his own tongue ALL DAY on that nonsense. But little babbies and whether he wants to save them or kill them dead, in your womb? Nah, man, that’s not ...

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Nobody Said The Law Has To Be Equal Did They?

Prosecutor Says Latino Wife-Beaters Are Cool, As Long As They Beat Their Own Kind

Because there really aren't any funny illustrations for this topic

Back in 2000, Congress did a good thing. It made it possible for undocumented immigrants who were victims of domestic violence to get a special visa — called “U visa” — to encourage victims to come forward and get help. It’s a pretty smart program, except it has one little problem: Local prosecutors decide whether to process the victim’s applications, and some local prosecutors are assholes, like the district attorney for Gaston County, North Carolina, ...

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oh look it's another fuck the poors story

Maine Gov. Paul LePage Will Starve Your Kids, Because You’re Probably A Gross Junkie Anyway

Not sorry your kids are hungry.

So, we know that Maine Gov. Paul LePage is an asshole, and that he likes to do everything he can to fuck the poors. Now, he has come up with a new trick, in the form of Maine LD 1407 , which proscribes a whole new set of hoops to jump through if you want to keep getting welfare or food stamps through the Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF program). Here, have some drug tests! Hope you don’t fail them, otherwise we just might take away your benefits, even if you have kids ...

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An Armed Society is a Bullet-Riddled Society

After Waco Shootout, Know What Texas Needs? More Guns EVERYWHERE!

This is silly. The real Texas vending machines include some revolvers.

On Sunday, Waco, Texas played host to a guns-and-knives ballet performance by the Bandidos and Cossacks motorcycle clubs, leaving 9 dead, 18 injured, and 170 in jail. On Monday, the Texas Senate debated HB 910, a bill that would allow open carry of handguns just about everywhere in the state. Also up for consideration is SB 11, which would allow concealed carry of weapons on college campuses. There is no connection at all between the shootout and the pending legislation, because shut up is ...

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Promise to never do it again

Too Big To Fail Banks Sorry For Scheming To Steal All The Money In The World

While you're down there...

In a story so shocking it’s not shocking at all, news comes today that six of the too-biggest-to-failiest banks in the entire world worked together in secret to control currency prices, for SIX YEARS, and thus enriched themselves in the process. And now they have to pay $5.8 billion in fines, because they are guilty guilty GUILTY. No, really, act surprised: Citicorp, JPMorgan Chase & Co., Barclays Plc and Royal Bank of Scotland Plc agreed to plead guilty to conspiring to ...

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Triumph Of The Wal

Walmart Training Video Will Scare You Away From Evil Mean Unions Forever

Nice minimum wage job you got here. Shame if something was to happen to it.

Here is a terrifying anti-union video, mandatory viewing for all new Walmart employees, and designed to warn the Walmart neophyte away from those scary union organizers who are trying to lure unsuspecting “associates” into their evil schemes. As propaganda, it ain’t no Leni Riefenstahl, but it’s enough to do the trick, we guess. And you’ll hardly even notice that all the Genuine Walmart Associates are standing in front of green screen projections of Walmart ...

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Allegedly

Oh, Did Dumb Josh Duggar Do A Sex Crime When He Was 17, Just Like Jesus?

Dirty sex crimer or just a asshole?

Well, well, well. WELL. Here is a story about Josh the oldest of 19 Kids & CountingTM Duggar that may or may not be true, who knows, but since the Duggars, including Josh, are fond of saying things that are not true, for their various causes (FYI, Charles Darwin did not do the Holocaust with his theory of evolution), seems only fair that we report this story to you, even if it is made up, for the noble and righteous cause of making you vomit even harder at these dumb assholes. According ...

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