Just needs a little fixin'

Republican Congress Does Not Care For All These Anchor Babies, Picks HOLY F*CK RACIST To Testify

Always searching for the next great idea to keep America the pristine for-white-Christian-straight-dudes-only nation Jesus intended, Republicans in the House and Senate are pushing for a law to tweak the 14th Amendment just a tad: Rep. Steve King is leading a controversial push in Congress to repeal a longstanding American policy that grants citizenship to any child born in the United States–even those born to undocumented parents. The Iowa Republican and his Louisana colleague Sen. ...

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Yay Alan Keyes found something to do

Alan Keyes’ Army Of One Will Declare WAR On Gay-Marrying Supreme Court, Time To Panic!

Surely this man is not crazy.

Poor Alan Keyes. He just cannot get over things. He knows his arch-nemesis Barack Obama (who probably would be hard-pressed to remember Keyes’ name) is out there, making sweet love to our enemies in Iran, so that they may bomb America, together. That keeps him awake at night. And he can’t stop thinking about that time, during the GOP primary debate when he was “running for president,” that he derp-barfed the word “RACIST!” when the moderator asked him ...

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wicked garden state

‘Bridgegate’ Still A Thing, Chris Christie To Still Never Be President

Baroni, Christie, Guy Christie Doesn't Really Know, He's Serious

Remember that stupid New Jersey state government scandal when “someone” in New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie’s office possibly orchestrated lane closures on the George Washington Bridge, just to punish a suburban mayor? We finally have the culprits! David Wildstein, who had been a senior Christie appointee to the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, pleaded guilty to two counts of conspiracy at a U.S. district court in Newark. He was released on his own recognizance on a $100,000 bond. ...

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burn him

RINO Jeb Bush Thinks Poverty Might Be Part Of Baltimore’s Problem, As If

As this emotionally fraught week draws to a close in Baltimore, we must come together as a nation, as Americans, to honor the true victims of the unrest that has rattled the city. Along with the National Guardsmen who could have gotten tennis elbow from carrying all their free food and the politicians who were briefly alarmed while passing through on the train, we should bow our heads to honor the memory of Jeb Bush’s dearly departed Republicanism. He might continue saying he’s ...

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pussy

Sen. Tom Cotton Picks Twitter Fight With Iranian Foreign Minister, Gets BURNT!

Your favorite brand-new, wet-behind-the-ears senator from Arkansas, Tom Cotton, is doing his ankle-biting, yappy Pomeranian thing at Iran again. After his love note to the Persian nation — the one what said Barack Obama isn’t REALLY president, therefore their nuke deal was DOA — didn’t work out so well, you’d think one of his trainers would have popped him on his nose enough times that he would have learned his lesson, but some pooches are untrainable. ...

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futility in the pursuit of stupidity is actually a vice

Hero GOP Throws Tantrum, Votes To Stop Washington DC From Murdering Babies And Freedom

Have you been wishing that distressingly orange hobgoblin John Boehner and a group of even more conservative and unhinged congresscritters would raise the spectre of religious freedom in a way that isn’t just about worrying whether a cake-maker in flyover country will be forced to lovingly feed wedding cake directly to the mouths of gays? You are in so much luck, because last night the House voted to blurt RELIGIOUS FREEDUMB at all of Washington D.C., for having the goddamn gall to ...

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ugh this again

Colorado Heating And Air Company Isn’t Racist, Just Doesn’t Like Serving Blacks, That’s All

Yes, kiddo, it is.

A Denver area heating and cooling company is facing boycotts and general outrage after one of those secret local news investigations found that they really seem to hate black people! The company is called Mile High Heating and Cooling, and if you thought stereotyping and blatant racism were a Southern thing, well shit, we’re going to have to disabuse you of that notion. An employee of the company decided to leak a fun little tidbit to the news, about how it was unofficial policy that ...

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No he probably didn't do it to himself ACTUALLY

Maryland State Attorney: Sure Looks Like Baltimore PD Probably Murdered Freddie Gray

State Attorney Marilyn Mosby

The Baltimore Police Department has had a heck of a time explaining how Freddie Gray, a 25-year-old black man arrested on April 12, somehow ended up dead from a severed spine. While the police leaked a document to the Washington Post suggesting that maybe he broke his own spine, after reviewing the department’s full report on the incident, Maryland State Attorney Marilyn J. Mosby isn’t buying that. At all: Officers on at least five occasions placed Gray in the van or checked on ...

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Adventures in responsible gun ownership

DC’s Capitol Police Leaving Their Loaded Guns All Over Town, Oops

Is this really hygienic?

Hey, U.S. Americans, bring the whole family to your nation’s capital, where you can look at memorials to dead white guys, check out Julia Child’s kitchen at the Smithsonian, and maybe find a gun in the bathroom. Because that’s a thing now, thanks to the Capitol Police: A 7- or 8-year-old child visiting the Capitol with his parents found the next loaded Glock lost by a dignitary protection officer, according to the source. A member of the security detail for John A. ...

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don't even try to suggest he's wrong

Ted Cruz Too Smart For Real Senate Rules, Prefers The Ones He Made Up

Let us never, ever forget that Sen. Ted Cruz is smarter than all of us put together. He was a member of the Constitutional Corroborators when he was just a wee lad in Texas, reciting the Constitution — from memory! — at civic centers, and singing the praises of the free market, glory hallelujah. Also, he was a master debater at Princeton, and by the time he arrived at Harvard Law School, he was so convinced of his own intellectual superiority that he would not even lower himself ...

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too bad there are no other guns in the Middle East :(

Ben Carson: The Only Way To Stop A Bad ISIS With A Gun Is A Good ISIS With A Gun

It's very hard to memorize all the NRA's talking points.

Ben Carson is revealing some of his secret campaign platform magic early, hurray! We thought we would have to wait until Monday, May 4, when Carson officially announces his failed presidential run, to learn how Carson would handle pressing things like ISIS, but the wait is over! Just give everybody guns, because there sure aren’t enough guns over in those Middle East parts! Carson was in Spartanburg, South Carolina, speaking to the Bridging The Gap Quarterly Leadership Series ...

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We've heard this tune before

Texas Lady So Mad Airbnb Gave Her Bed, Breakfast And Bigotry The Boot

Let’s fire up a new GoFundMe for a lady bigot what’s hatin’ the gays! The city: Galveston, Texas. The business: Airbnb. The gays: Jonathan and Brent. So here is what happened. Jonathan Wang and his man-lover Brent (no last name provided, maybe he is like Madonna!) were in Galveston to see their friends get married, and they found themselves a nice bed and breakfast on the Airbnb website. Everything was great until they came back and met the owner, some bing bong named ...

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that's not racial transcendence

What If We Cut Off Food Stamps And Starve The Poors In Baltimore? That Might Work!

Baltimore’s citizens are as mad as hell and sick and tired of being sick and tired, and every jerkhole with a mouth has an opinion about what they really need to shut ‘em up and make ‘em stop being so mad and sick and tired and and protesting about it and getting themselves beaten up and killed by the police all the time. Fox News says more dads and Jesus. Sen. Rand Paul says more dads and morals. The NRA says more guns and more freedoms to Stand Your Ground. Texas Rep. ...

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Nice Time. OR IS IT?

Oh Great, Now Obama Wants Poor Kids To Read Books, Will This White House Ever Stop?

It's a book. For kids. Shut up.

Look what the Tyrant Obama is up to now! He’s got some half-cocked idea that poor kids should be able to read books, FOR FREE, instead of paying their fair share. So he’s announcing a program Thursday to give poor kids access to 10,000 e-books, which they can read on their Obamaphones, or other appropriate computers or tablets. The Obama administration seems to think it’s somehow a good thing to encourage disadvantaged kids to become better readers and do well in school: ...

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good plan

Teen Pregnancy Prevention Works Great In Colorado, So Of Course Republicans Try To Kill It

Guess you'll have to try this instead

Everyone knows the best way to reduce teen pregnancy rates is to tell teens to Just Don’t Do Sex, and they will say, “Oh, OK, then we will not do sex,” and that takes care of that, the end. In those extremely rare circumstances, however, when that doesn’t work, it can be effective to teach teens about safe sex and to arm them with contraception. The Colorado Family Planning Initiative, for example, just won an award for reducing the state’s teen birth rate by ...

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Sexism? Where?

Lady Scientists’ Study Would Have Been Better If A Boy Wrote It, According To Science

We can already tell this experiment will fail!

Here is some proof that sexism is still a thing, in case you had forgotten all about it. Two lady biologists submitted a paper for peer review, which is that thing scientists do to make sure they’ve done their science good. The reviewer had but one critique: this paper would be a hell of a lot better if some dudes did it. That was really the only criticism! University of Sussex researcher Fiona Ingleby was very surprised to hear this, and posted it all over Twitter, LIKE LADIES DO: ...

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Just what everyone needs

NRA: Know What Baltimore Needs? More Guns, So Everybody Can Stand Their Ground!

This would fix everything

With all of those people marching and looting and hip-hopping in the streets again, the National Rifle Association’s social media experts have teamed up with Still Dead Andrew Breitbart’s Cyber Tickle Fest For Insecure Neckbeards to tell America the HARD TRUTH about the rampant thuggery in Baltimore: The National Rifle Association used riots in Baltimore to promote controversial “Stand Your Ground” self-defense laws by citing an article from conservative website ...

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Just what everyone needs

If You Don’t Have Anything Nice To Say About Republicans, Come Sit Next To Barney Frank!

The fabulous former Massachusetts Congresshero Barney Frank — who is not known for saying how he really feels about Republicans, bigoted colleagues who “accidentally” call him a fag, whackjobs who compare President Obama to Nazis, and especially Newt Gingrich — appeared on a recent episode of “Watch What Happens: Live” with host Andy Cohen to hesitantly express some more of his mild opinions. And it’s delicious! COHEN: Say three nice things about ...

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Clintongate

National Review: But What About The Clintons’ Underage Sex Slaves And Russian Blackmail?

Conservatives have yet to uncover The Scandal that will, once and for all and forever, destroy history’s greatest monsters, Bill and Hillary Clinton. Not for lack of trying — for decades, with a bazillionteen dollars, and an army of rightwing organizations dedicated to inspecting every scrap of toilet paper that ever wiped a Clinton’s butthole. And not without the aid of the media, even the “liberal” media like the New York Times, always happy to imply that if ...

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maybe the demon sheep did it

Did Carly Fiorina Run Hewlett-Packard Into The Ground, Or Did SEXISM Do It?

Maybe the demon sheep ruined HP.

Carly Fiorina has had a busy couple of decades! There was the 1990s, when she was so tied up she didn’t have a chance to vote, and there was the 2000s, when she thought a good way to get Barbara Boxer’s Senate seat might be to release a commercial full of demon sheep, in order to terrify children and grown-ups alike. And somewhere in there (1999-2005, to be exact) she found time to run Hewlett-Packard straight into the ground. OR DID SHE? (Yes.) BUT REALLY? (Yes.) BUT COULD IT ...

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quick cash is king

Pop Quiz! The Troops Vs. Scummy Payday Loan Lenders. Who Do You Think Republicans Support?

thought i gave a shit, didn't ya?!

Thanks to a timely poll of fickle conservatives, we now know that most Republicans don’t support America when the shit gets heavy or the President’s a Democrat. However, you would think that a party that co-opted Freedom, Founders and Flag Pins in order to benefit their collective persona would find it in their feeble hearts to protect American troops from predatory lenders. Or maybe you wouldn’t think that because you’re good at paying attention. Well ‘Bully for ...

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the thirst for profits is real

Barack Obama Literally Slaughtered Terrible For-Profit Scam Corinthian ‘Colleges.’ Oh. How Terrible.

Why does Obama hate freedom scams?

You may remember that last summer, Obama’s cabal of Education Department goons went after esteemed for-profit Corinthian Colleges, targeting them for the unspeakable crime of being too awesome and making too much money. Sure, the USDE said it was because Corinthian kept juking its job placement stats to entice more students to enroll in its dead-end programs that turn out students who can’t ever pay back their federal loans, but we know it’s because the socialist Kenyan ...

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