SAL THE SONGBIRD Long ago, we learned what a great rapper Sal Governale is, but today, new recordings were unearthed (posted on Sal's Twitter) that display Sal's sweet songbird skills. Sal decided that, instead of the classic Christmas card, he'd record himself singing Christmas songs for his family and fans. He performed his unique take on "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" and a stirring rendition of Elvis Presley's "Blue Christmas." To say the least, Howard was blown away. He had no idea that there was such a talented singer on our staff. He also immediately saw dollar signs. After a quick brainstorming session, he thought the big idea was renting out Radio City Music Hall, Howard's home as an America's Got Talent judge, and selling tickets to see Sal perform with a full orchestra. Sal was thrilled. He promised that he could learn eight to ten songs on his own, provided an orchestra record the track with a different singer. He'd even set up a more intimate show at some place like the Knitting Room (good luck finding that Sal. When you can't, you should check out the Knitting Factory). Howard was amazed. Sal was better than Michael Buble. Sal offered Buble some advice, saying his problem is he doesn't have his own style, it's a rip-off. When Sal does his best Elvis impression on "Blue Christmas," it's homage. Howard gushed that Sal was as good as Michael Bolton. Bolstered, Sal one-upped him: "I'd say a little bit better." Robin and Fred agreed that Sal's talent was not to be believed. King of All Blacks called up and said that surely this was a bit, that could not have been Sal on those recordings. Sal promised that it was. Beaming, Sal bounced out of the studio, I insisting on leaving on a high note. "This isn't Britney Spears, mother*cker! This is Sal Governale!" JUST ONE MORE THING...YOU SUCK Gary brought Sal back in studio for just one more thing, Sal wondered "Did [music industry mogul] Harvey Leeds call?!" Howard broke the real news: the songs were actually horrible and Howard was busting Sal's balls. Howard couldn't resist. Gary had gone into Sal and Richard's studio, turned off their radio for a quick meeting about the Birthday Bash while Howard announced his intentions to Robin and the audience. Sal was deflated. He was wondering why he posted the songs on Facebook and they only got four "likes." Next time Sal feels like recording a song, Howard advised, "make a phony phone call." RICHARD THE DRUNK @29:00 Stern Show writer Richard Christy was hired -- along with Sal and Ronnie the Limo Driver -- to attend a fan's bachelor party in Florida over the weekend. Richard drinks to excess when he's planted to the ground, but he's so terrified of flying he can't consume enough alcohol to drag himself onto a plane. He was completely trashed on the flight down to Florida, so much so that he flaked on the other guys from lunch and slept until 8 PM, right as the bachelor party started. The guys hopped in a limo to pick the bachelor up and Richard requested they make a beer run on the way. Ronnie, whose whole life is the limo, informed Richard that an open container of beer or alcohol was illegal in any car, but Richard wouldn't have any of it. MIXING IT UP IN THE MEN'S ROOM For the flight back home, Richard arrived at the airport at 7 AM on a Sunday and could not believe that the bar was closed. Luckily, like most adults, Richard had several hotel rooms worth of mini bottles in his luggage. Thinking quickly, he bought a bottle of juice, headed for the men's room, and mixed his own drinks. There was a guy shitting in the stall next to him, and he was grossed out thinking about the shit particles that were probably floating around in his drink. He drank on anyway -- after all, this is a guy who will drink through his ass. On the plane, Richard ordered two bottles of champagne and begged Sal and Ronnie to also order two bottles for his beloved mimosas. He even staggered back to the flight attendants to thank them for serving him and managed to hillbilly-charm them into two free bottles. He also extended an invitation to hang out with them once they touched down in New York, because Richard doesn't care who he drinks with, just as long as he drinks. Howard is constantly amazed at Richard ability and desire to put away so much booze. He actually calculates how many calories he's burned on his daily runs so he can replenish them with booze. Fred was particularly upset, asking Richard if he's okay with the fact that sometimes people have to wheel him around because he's so shitfaced. Fred warned that Richard's alcoholism is affecting people, he just doesn't know it, and said he'll have to crash and burn before he listens to anybody.

• published: 20 Dec 2013
• views: 437