'George Carlin' is featured as a movie character in the following productions:

Uncle Hymie's Funeral (2011)

Actors Robert Bizik (miscellaneous crew), William James Kelly (miscellaneous crew), William James Kelly (actor), Robert Bizik (actor), Stanley D. Jacobs (writer), Stanley D. Jacobs (producer), Stanley D. Jacobs (producer), Stanley D. Jacobs (director), Sonny Vellozzi (miscellaneous crew), Nick Grock (actor), Charles Pendelton (actor), Samantha Elmer (actress), Janice LaFlam (actress), Trisha Graybill (actress), Carrie Leigh Snodgrass (actress),

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  The Seven Words You Can Never Say On Tvshow lyrics

  The Seven Words You Can Never Say On Tv

  I love words. I thank you for hearing my words.
  I want to tell you something about words that I think is important.
  They're my work, they're my play, they're my passion.
  Words are all we have, really. We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid.
  then we assign a word to a thought and we're stuck with that word for
  that thought, so be careful with words. I like to think that the same
  words that hurt can heal, it is a matter of how you pick them.
  There are some people that are not into all the words.
  There are some that would have you not use certain words.
  There are 400,000 words in the English language and there are 7
  of them you can't say on television. What a ratio that is.
  399,993 to 7. They must really be bad. They'd have to be outrageous
  to be seperated from a group that large. All of you over here,you 7,
  Bad Words. That's what they told us they were, remember?
  "That's a bad word!" No bad words, bad thoughts, bad intentions,
  and words. You know the 7, don't you, that you can't say on television?
  "Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, CockSucker, MotherFucker, and Tits"
  Those are the heavy seven. Those are the ones that'll infect your soul,
  curve your spine, and keep the country from winning the war.
  "Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, CockSucker, MotherFucker, and Tits"
  Wow! ...and Tits doesn't even belong on the list. That is such a friendly
  sounding word. It sounds like a nickname, right? "Hey, Tits, come here,
  man. Hey Tits, meet Toots. Toots, Tits. Tits, Toots." It sounds like a
  snack, doesn't it? Yes, I know, it is a snack. I don't mean your sexist
  snack. I mean New Nabisco Tits!, and new Cheese Tits, Corn Tits,
  Pizza Tits, Sesame Tits, Onion Tits, Tater Tits. "Betcha Can't Eat Just
  One." That's true. I usually switch off. But I mean, that word does
  not belong on the list. Actually none of the words belong on the list,
  but you can understand why some of them are there. I'm not
  completely insensetive to people's feelings. I can understand why
  some of those words got on the list, like CockSucker and
  MotherFucker. Those are heavyweight words. There is a lot going on
  there. Besides the literal translation and the emotional feeling.
  I mean, they're just busy words. There's a lot of syllables to contend
  with. And those Ks, those are agressive sounds. They just jump out at
  you like "coCKsuCKer, motherfuCKer. coCKsuCKer, motherfuCKer."
  It's like an assualt on you. We mentioned Shit earlier, and 2 of the
  other 4-letter Anglo-Saxon words are Piss and Cunt, which go
  together of course. A little accedental humor there. The reason that
  Piss and Cunt are on the list is because a long time ago, there were
  certain ladies that said "Those are the 2 I am not going to say. I
  don't mind Fuck and Shit but 'P' and 'C' are out.", which led to such
  stupid sentences as "Okay you fuckers, I'm going to tinckle now."
  And, of course, the word Fuck. I don't really, well that's more
  accedental humor, I don't wanna get into that now because I think
  it takes to long. But I do mean that. I think the word Fuck is a very
  imprortant word. It is the beginning of life, yet it is a word we use to
  hurt one another quite often. People much wiser than I am said,
  "I'd rather have my son watch a film with 2 people making love
  than 2 people trying to kill one another. I, of course, can agree. It is
  a great sentence. I wish I knew who said it first. I agree with that but
  I like to take it a step further. I'd like to substitute the word Fuck for
  the word Kill in all of those movie cliches we grew up with. "Okay,
  Sherrif, we're gonna Fuck you now, but we're gonna Fuck you slow."
  So maybe next year I'll have a whole fuckin' ramp on the N word.
  I hope so. Those are the 7 you can never say on television, under any
  circumstanses. You just cannot say them ever ever ever. Not even
  clinically. You cannot weave them in on the panel with Doc, and Ed,
  and Johnny. I mean, it is just impossible. Forget tHose 7. They're out.
  But there are some 2-way words, those double-meaning words.
  Remember the ones you giggled at in sixth grade? "...And the cock
  CROWED 3 times" "Hey, tha cock CROWED 3 times. ha ha ha ha. Hey, it's in
  the bible. ha ha ha ha. There are some 2-way words, like it is okay for
  Kirk Youdi to say "Roberto Clametti has 2 balls on him.", but he can't
  say "I think he hurt his balls on that play, Tony. Don't you? He's holding
  them. He must've hurt them, by God." and the other 2-way word that
  goes with that one is Prik. It's okay if it happens to your finger. You

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  State Prison Farmsshow lyrics

  State Prison Farms

  Here's another idea. I'm going to save you a whole lot
  of money on prisons, but at the same time we are still
  going to remove from society many of our more annoying
  citizens. Four groups are going away permanently.
  First group: Violent criminals. Here's what you do with
  these Emmy award winners. You take the entire state of
  Kansas. You move everybody out. You give them a couple
  of hundred dollars for their inconvinience, you know.
  Got to be fair. And then, you move them out, you put a
  big ten story electric fence around Kansas and Kansas
  becomes a permanent prison farm for violent criminals.
  No parole, no police, no supplies, the only thing you
  give them is lethal weapons and live ammunition, so
  they can communicate in a meaningful way. Then you put
  the whole thing on Cable TV. The Violence Network, VNN.
  And for a corporate sponsor, you get one of those
  companies that loves to smear it's logo feces all over
  the landscape. Budweiser will jump at this shit in half
  a minute.
  Alright, next group: sex criminals. Completely
  incurable, you got to lock them up. You could outlaw
  religion and in most cities sex crimes would disappear
  in a couple of generations. But we don't have time for
  rational solutions! Much easier to fence off another
  rectangular state. Rectangular states are cheaper to
  fence, saves the taxpayers money, you know? This time
  Wyoming. But only for true sex offenders. We're not
  going to bother consenting adults who liike to dress up
  in leather boy scout uniforms and smash each other in
  the head with ballpeen(?) hammers while they take turns
  blowing their cat. There's certainly nothing wrong with
  that. It's a victimless hobby. And think of how good
  the cat must feel! No, we're only going to lock up
  rapists and molesters. Those hopless romantics. Who're
  so full of love they can't help getting a little of it
  on you. Usually on your leg. You take all of these
  heavy breathing fun seekers, and you stick them in
  Wyoming. And you let them suck, fuck, and fondle, you
  let them blow, chew, sniff lick whip gobble and
  cornhole each other, until their testicles are
  whistling 'Oh Come All Ye Faithful'! And, and you turn
  on the cameras and you've got The Sperm Channel! And
  don't forget our corporate sponsor, we're going to let
  Budweiser put little logo patches on the rapist's pant
  right here, 'This Bud's for you'!
  Alright, next group: Drug addicts and alcoholics. Not
  all of them, don't get nervous. Just the ones who are
  making life difficult for at least one other person.
  And we're not going to bother first offenders. People
  deserve a chance to clean up. Everyone will get...
  twelve chances to clean up. Alright, fifteen! Fifteen!
  that's fine, and that's it, if you can't make it in
  fifteen tries, off you go *fwit* to Colorado! Colorado!
  The perfect- a perfect place for staying loaded. Each
  week, all of the illegal drugs confiscated in the
  United States - that the police and D.E.A. don't keep
  for their own personal use - will be air-dropped into
  Colorado. And we're going to turn the Coors brewery
  over to the beer-drinking assholes, and everyone can
  stay wasted wired stoned bombed hammered smashed and
  shitfaced round the clock on another new cable channel,
  Shitface Central 'This is the real Rocky Mountain
  HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH!!!
  Ok I've saved my favorite group for last. The maniacs
  and crazy people. Yeah. The ones who live out where the
  buses don't run. And I distinguish between maniacs and
  crazy people. A maniac will beat nine people to death
  with a steel dildo. A crazy person will beat nine
  people to death with a steel dildo, but he'll be
  wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time. So you can't put
  them all away. You know you got to keep some of them
  around just for the entertainment. Like a guy who tells
  you the King of Sweden is using his penis as a radio
  transmitter to send anti-semitic lesbian meatloaf
  recipies to Soupy Sales and Marvin Hamlisch. A guy like
  that you want to give him his own radio show. No, the
  maniac farm will be reserved strictly for hopeless
  cases. Like a guy who gets a big tatoo on his chest of
  Liza Minnelli taking a shit, you know? And he tells you
  if he wiggles a certain way it looks like she's wiping
  her ass, you know? A guy like that, you want to get him
  into custody as quickly as possible. Now, for the
  maniac farm, I think there's no question we got to go
  with Utah. Utah. Easy to fence. Easy to fence. Right
  next to Wyoming and Colorado and Colorado is right next
  to Kansas, and that means all four groups of our most
  amusing citizens are now in one place.
  Except for the big fences. And I think I have another
  one of my really good ideas for Cable TV. Gates. Small
  sliding gates in the fences. Think of what you've got
  here. Think of what you've got. Predators, degenerates,
  crackheads and fruitcakes. Nine hundred miles of fence
  seperating them. Every fifty miles you put a small
  sliding gate. But, the gates are only ten inches wide
  and they're only open once a month... for seven
  seconds. And you know something? Fuck Cable, this shit
  has got to be on Pay-Per-View. Because, if those gates
  are only open seven seconds a month, you are going to
  have some mighty interesting people pushing and shoving
  to be first in line. Deeply disturbed armed cranky
  lunatics on drugs. You know the ones. Lot of tatoos...
  lot of teeth broken off at the gumline... the true face
  of America. And every time you open the gates, some of
  the more aggressive ones are going to get through. The
  creme de la creme. The alphas. They're going to get
  through, they're going to find each other and they're
  going to cross-breed. And pretty soon you'll have a
  melting pot. Child killers corpse fuckers drug zombies
  and full-blown wack-a-loons. Wandering the landscape in
  search of truth and fun. Just like now! Everyone will
  have guns, everyone will have drugs, and no one will be
  in charge. Just like now! But at least we'll have a

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  The Paradox Of Our Timeshow lyrics

  The Paradox Of Our Time

  The paradox of our time in history is that
  we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways but narrower viewpoints.
  We spend more, but have less. We buy more, but enjoy it less.
  We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time;
  We have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment;
  more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.
  We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little,
  drive too fast, get too angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired,
  read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
  We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
  We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
  We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life.
  We’ve added years to life, not life to years.
  We’ve been all the way to the moon and back,
  but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.
  We’ve conquered outer space, but not inner space.
  We’ve done larger things, but not better things.
  We’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
  We’ve split the atom, but not our prejudice.
  We’ve learned to rush, but not to wait.
  We plan more, but accomplish less.
  We write more, but learn less.
  We build more computers
  to hold more information
  to produce more copies than ever,
  but have less communication.
  These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion;
  tall men, and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships.
  These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare;
  more leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.
  These are days of two incomes, but more divorce;
  of fancier houses, but broken homes.
  These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw-away morality,
  one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do
  everything from cheer to quiet, to kill.
  It is a time when there is much in the show window
  and nothing in the stockroom;
  a time when technology can bring this letter to you,
  and a time when you can choose either to share this insight,

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  Why We Don't Need 10 Commandmentsshow lyrics

  Why We Don't Need 10 Commandments

  I have a problem with the Ten Commandments. Here it is: Why are there ten? We don't need that many. I think the list of commandments was deliberately and artificially inflated to get it up to ten. It's clearly a padded list.
  Here's how it happened: About five thousand years ago, a bunch of reli­gious and political hustlers got together to figure out how they could control people and keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so these guys announced that God- God personally-had given one of them a list of Ten Commandments that he wanted everyone to follow. They claimed the whole thing took place on a mountaintop, when no one else was around.
  But let me ask you something: When these guys were sittin' around the tent makin' all this up, why did they pick ten? Why ten? Why not nine, or eleven? I'll tell you why. Because ten sounds important. Ten sounds official. They knew if they tried eleven, people wouldn't take them seriously. People would say, "What're you kiddin' me? The Eleven Commandments? Get the fuck outta here!"
  But ten! Ten sounds important. Ten is the basis for the decimal system; it's a decade. It's a psychologically satisfying number: the top ten; the ten most wanted; the ten best-dressed. So deciding on Ten Commandments was clearly a marketing decision. And it's obviously a bullshit list. In truth, it's a politic; document, artificially inflated to sell better.
  I'm going to show you how you can reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that's a bit more logical and realistic. We'll start with the first three, and I'll use the Roman Catholic version because those are the ones I was fed as a little boy.
  • I AM THE LORD THY GOD, THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME.
  • THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN.
  • THOU SHALT KEEP HOLY THE SABBATH.
  Okay, right off the bat, the first three commandments-pure bullshit "Sabbath day," "Lord's name," "strange gods." Spooky language. Spooky language designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious mumbo jumbo like this apply to the lives of intelligent, civilized human in the twenty-first century. You throw out the first three commandments, am you're down to seven.
  •HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER.
  This commandment is about obedience and respect for authority; in other words it's simply a device for controlling people. The truth is, obedience and respect should not be granted automatically. They should be earned. They should be based on the parents' (or the authority figure's) performance. Some parents deserve respect. Most of them don't. Period. We're down to six.
  Now, in the interest of logic-something religion has a really hard time with-I'm going to skip around the list a little bit:
  • THOU SHALT NOT STEAL.
  • THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS.
  Stealing and lying. Actually, when you think about it, these two com­mandments cover the same sort of behavior: dishonesty. Stealing and lying. So we don't need two of them. Instead, we combine these two and call it "Thou shalt not be dishonest." Suddenly we're down to five.
  And as long as we're combining commandments I have two others that be­long together:
  • THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY.
  • THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE.
  Once again, these two prohibit the same sort of behavior; in this case, mar­ital infidelity. The difference between them is that coveting takes place in the mind. And I don't think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else's wife, otherwise what's a guy gonna think about when he's flogging his dong?
  But marital fidelity is a good idea, so I suggest we keep the idea and call this commandment "Thou shalt not be unfaithful." Suddenly we're down to four.
  And when you think about it further, honesty and fidelity are actually parts of the same overall value. So, in truth, we could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments, and, using positive lan­guage instead of negative, call the whole thing "Thou shalt always be honest and faithful." And now we're down to three.
  •THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S GOODS.
  This one is just plain stupid. Coveting your neighbor's goods is what keeps the economy going: Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays "O Come All Ye Faithful," you want to get one, too. Coveting creates jobs. Leave it alone.
  You throw out coveting and you're down to two now: the big, combined honesty/fidelity commandment, and the one we haven't mentioned yet:
  •THOU SHALT NOT KILL.
  Murder. The Fifth Commandment. But, if you give it a little thought, you realize that religion has never really had a problem with murder. Not really. More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.
  To cite a few examples, just think about Irish history, the Middle East, the Crusades, the Inquisition, our own abortion-doctor killings and, yes, the World Trade Center to see how seriously religious people take Thou Shalt Not Kill. Apparently, to religious folks-especially the truly devout-murder is ne­gotiable. It just depends on who's doing the killing and who's getting killed.
  And so, with all of this in mind, folks, I offer you my revised list of the Two Commandments:
  First:
  •THOU SHALT ALWAYS BE HONEST AND FAITHFUL, ESPECIALLY TO THE PROVIDER OF THY NOOKIE.
  And second:
  •THOU SHALT TRY REAL HARD NOT TO KILL ANYONE, UNLESS, OF COURSE, THEY PRAY TO A DIFFERENT INVISIBLE AVENGER THAN THE ONE YOU PRAY TO.
  Two is all you need, folks. Moses could have carried them down the hill in his pocket. And if we had a list like that, I wouldn't mind that brilliant judge in Alabama displaying it prominently in his courthouse lobby. As long he in­cluded one additional commandment:

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  Second Announcementsshow lyrics

  Second Announcements

  Get one now! Everybody has one! They're almost gone! They're portable, lightweight, easy to use, collapsible, convenient and guaranteed! Get one now! The new Super Jumbo Deluxe! Handy, pre-wrapped, designer colors and available in all sizes! Get one now! They won't rust, tarnish, blister, crack or peel but they might kill you.
  Hello, I'm Howard Beamer and I'm running for state's Attorney General. This is my pledge to you. I promise that if anyone breaks the law, I will personally go to his or her house and beat the shit out of 'em!
  .backwards words say to used I! again go I There.! shit, Oh
  The following statement is true
  The preceding statement was false
  (TV promo)

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  Asshole Jackoff Scumbagshow lyrics

  Asshole Jackoff Scumbag

  (Carlin as announcer:) Hello, America! It's time to play "Asshole, Jackoff, Scumbag!"
  Ladies and gentlemen. This man is a rancher, he works for an oil company and he lives in Texas. Is he an asshole, a jackoff or a scumbag?
  This man is a lawyer. He lives on Long Island and he's a US Congressman. Is he an asshole, a jackoff or a scumbag?
  This man is a TV newscaster, he lives in the Midwest and he's a born again Christian. Is he an asshole, a jackoff or a scumbag?
  We'll find out today as we play "Asshole, Jackoff, Scumbag!"
  Well, hello everyone, I'm Bob Barlow and it's time for another session of "Asshole, Jackoff, Scumbag". You've just met our three subjects for today, now let's meet our players. Two contestants who will try to determine from the clues we give them, whether our three subjects are. assholes, jackoffs or scumbags!
  First of all, our champion. From Short Hairs, New Jersey, she's a mother of two and her hobby is sitting on the toilet until her legs fall asleep! Here is Ethel Schwantz!
  Bob: How are you today, Ethel?
  Ethel: Not so good, Bob. I think I'm going to start my period.
  Bob: Well, that sounds interesting. What does your husband do?
  Ethel: My husband is dead, Bob. He was crushed in a folding couch accident.
  Bob: You have any little Schwantzes around the house?
  Ethel: Yes, I have been blessed with two wonderful sons. My oldest boy, Elliot, is involved in charity work. Every weekend, he takes a hundred senior citizens out to the country and leaves them there. And my youngest son, Jules, is currently attempting to be the first man to cross the Atlantic in a gas filled douchebag.
  Bob: Well, that sounds very interesting, Ethel. Let's meet your opponent. Your challenger is from Big Thighs, New York. A man whose job is recovering stolen religious articles. His hobby is calling up the Red Cross and telling them to go fuck themselves. Meet Eddie Donneker!
  Eddie: Hi, Bob.
  Bob: Hi, Eddie. Is your wife here today?
  Eddie: No, bob. She couldn't be here. She's taking the SWAT team exam in Newark.
  Bob: Well, she sounds like quite an independent lady.
  Eddie: That's right, Bob. She once killed a man during a sports argument.
  Bob: Do you believe in women's lib?
  Eddie: Bob, she can do whatever the fuck she pleases.
  Bob: Okay, tell us, do you have any children?
  Eddie: Yes, one son, D'Artagnan, is quite a successful Mr. Potato Head salesman. Unfortunately, my other son, Winslow, a designer of custom belt loops, was sucked up into a vent this morning.
  Bob: Well, that really sounds interesting, Eddie. They sound like quite a family. Okay, it's time to play "Asshole, Jackoff, Scumbag" so, lets take a look at our prizes.
  First of all, from Larson Luggage, a complete set of portable suitcases. Yes, now you can 'take it with you'. Specially designed Larson Luggage has built-in handles! Making it completely portable. "Larson. New ideas in luggage!" And our winner will need that luggage because he or she is going on an all expense paid vacation to Dover, Delaware!
  "Dover, Delaware. The city that means well." You'll spend three days in Dover at the fabulous Fireproof Hotel. And you'll travel to Dover in... this brand new wheelchair! Yes, it's the Wilson Speedmerchant 5000! The only wheelchair with a rollbar!
  All right, players, let's meet our first candidate as Asshole, Jackoff or Scumbag! Panel, this is Wayne Critter. He's a rancher and an oil man from Texas. He smokes ground beef in his pipe and his hobby is getting in his pickup on Saturday night and running over non-whites. Ethel, you're our champion. Is Wayne Critter an asshole, a jackoff or a scumbag?
  Ethel: Okay, Bob. It's definitely between asshole and scumbag. Wayne, what organizations do you belong to?
  Wayne: I belong to the Junior Chamber of Commerce, the Masons and the American Legion.
  Ethel: Okay, Bob. Based on that answer, I'm going with "asshole".
  Bob: Okay, that's one vote for "asshole" and now, Eddie Donneker, it's your turn. What is Wayne? Is he an asshole, a jackoff or a scumbag?
  Eddie: I can settle this real easily, Bob. Wayne, what are your favorite teams in sports?
  Wayne: Well, I like the Dodgers in baseball and the Cowboys in football.
  Eddie: Okay, I agree with Ethel, he does sound like an asshole. But that answer leads me to only one conclusion. This guy is a jackoff. A real jackoff!
  Bob: All right, we have one vote for jackoff and one vote for asshole; now let's find out what he really is from one person in the position to know, his wife. Let's bring her out here, Mrs. Ola Mae Critter!
  How are you, Mrs. Critter?
  Mrs. Critter: I'm fine, Bob.
  Bob: Got any little Critters running around?
  Mrs. Critter: You mean crabs?
  Bob: .No, I mean children.
  Mrs. Critter: All our children are grown, Bob, and they all have thankless dead-end jobs with corporations.
  Bob: Well, that sounds interesting, but let's get to the main subject, your husband. As you know, our contestants have voted one vote for "jackoff" and one vote for "asshole". This is the big moment, Ola Mae. We want you to tell us what your husband is. Is he an asshole, a jackoff or a scumbag?
  Mrs. Critter: Well, Bob, when I first met him, he was a real jackoff. He did all kinds of crazy things. Like he'd drink a lotta beer and then piss in your hat! A real jackoff! Then after we got married, I noticed he started turnin' into an asshole. After several years, he'd become a complete asshole! Then he started spendin' more and more time with politicians and businessmen, Bob, and they turned him into what he is today. A complete and total scumbag!

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  Wurdsshow lyrics

  Wurds

  Hot cross buns...It's when a Ku Klux Klansman shoves a burning cross up your ass.
  Hot water heater. We have a hot water heater. What the hell do you need with that? Hot water doesn't need heating.

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  Radio Dialshow lyrics

  Radio Dial

  We have also met on the AM radio dial. Especially in the middle of it. On the large radios, all of the zeroes are there. 700 (makes 'radio tuning' noises)..800. On small radios it says 6...Con o rad...7,8,9,10,11,... The big radios (more 'radio tuning' noises). But all of them, those stations between 600 and 800 were always widely spaced apart (more 'radio tuning' noises)...always widely spaced and they had announcers (applause)..well modulated speaking voices, they always had serious subject matter. In fact, they never had music. There's no music between 600 and 900 on the radio. It's all talking, man. The only music you hear is the occasional national advertising jingle. (more 'radio tuning' noises)
  You get down past..you get towards 600 (more 'radio tuning' noises) you get down to the hopelessness...of 54! And wonder why it ends there. What kind of good stuff are we missing on 420? Nowhere to go but up..(more 'radio tuning' noises growing faster and higher ending with very fast mock Spanish)

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  Fourth Announcementsshow lyrics

  Fourth Announcements

  Hello, I'm a member of a new organization called the Fart Retrieval League. Do you realize that among the millions of farts which are released every day, not all of them float free. A small, but significant percentage of farts is trapped in seat cushions all over America- hopelessly suspended in foam rubber. We ask you to please help rescue lost farts.
  Send your donation to the Fart Retrieval League. We will send you a booklet entitled, "The Facts on Farts". And say, next time you're in a hotel lobby, why not jump up and down on a seat cushion and free a fart.

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  High On The Planeshow lyrics

  High On The Plane

  Please return the stewardess to her original upright position. Airline always disappointed me. They don't have a drug stewardess. They have an alcohol stewardess. "Champagne, red wine, white wine" "White wine?..champagne..white wine..champagne (repeats list quickly)" Think they could spare one girl to come down the aisle- "PCP, trips, cokes, smokes, shit, get high."
  Because getting high on the plane used to be half the fun. You can't smoke in the lavatories at all any more. Not even Virginia Burley. So if you're gonna smoke a joint, better be an old pro. Smoking, or rather, getting high on the airplane; I like that better because its semantic possibilities. If you were the first person up in an airplane, you'd say, "Look, they're high in the airplane!" And indeed, we are that; we're high in the airplane. High in the airplane. They always keep telling me at the airport "Get on the plane", I say "Fuck you, I'm getting in!" Let the daredevils get on!
  But we call it being high on the plane; they're high on the plane.. If you're an aeronautical engineer...and you really like the design, you might be high on the plane! And then if you got high on the plane, you'd be triple high on the plane unless you got high before you got high on the plane. 'cause you won't be high on the plane.. Well, let's put it this way. You can get off and get on or you can get on and get off, man.
  I used to like to smoke up in the forward lavatory. 'Cause I figured that the mirror was two way and that the crew was watching, y'know. Always offering the crew a hit, naturally. "Hey, c'mon.." Then I relax a little- have the thing locked "occupied" Okay! Looking in the little slots and shit. Then you get high on the plane, 'course it depended what airline you were on whether the suction in the sink was any good. TWA always had the best sink suction as far as I was concerned for you traveling head. (makes loud suction sound) WOW! My hair used to straighten out, man! I lost ideas in those sinks, man!
  But you have to keep it open and I was a real dummy for several years; I used to press down on the drain which gives you a red ring on the heel of your hand. Like..powder burns, they gotcha, man. "Lookit the guy with the red ring. C'mon and take him away!" So I found you could put some soap in there or a piece of the cup; keep it open. Then you have to decide if you're gonna smoke in the bathroom on the plane, you have to decide if you're gonna make-believe you're taking a shit or not. 'Cause making-believe if someone busted in like a guy from Texas comes through with an ax, man. You wanna be ready taking a regular shit. You don't wanna be arrested for shitting through your pants, right? "As long as I get rid of the joint, I don't care what the charge is." Shitting with your pants on...

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  New Newsshow lyrics

  New News

  Like to take a look at the news.
  Terrorists blow up Central America and leave a note.
  A Philadelphia man was arrested today for attempting to make an unauthorized deposit in a sperm bank.
  Silent film star Mark Dunbar died today in Hollywood. He had no last words. However, he did make several gestures.
  The San Diego freeway was the scene of a freak accident today as six freaks in a camper crashed into three freaks in a van.
  The Nobel Prize in Mathematics has been awarded to a California professor who has discovered a new number. The number is "bleen" which he claims belongs between six and seven.
  Medical researchers have discovered a disease which has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect and there is no known cure. Fortunately, it is confined to New Jersey.
  Archaeologists digging at a site in Iran have discovered the remains of a city which was inhabited by a race of people who had absolutely no skills or tools of any kind. No trace of anything has been found anywhere near the site.
  Heart transplants have declined in recent months because of a lack of donors. Many people consider it an imposition.
  Hollywood film star Vicky Trick and her husband, Mark Spot, have called it quits today after a 27 minute honeymoon in front of the church.
  On the lighter side of the news, here's a Halloween prank that really backfired. It seems that little thirteen year old Danny O'Merta thought it would be great fun to soap all the windows of the cars on his block. He had soaped about seven of them and was starting to soap the eighth one not knowing that the owner of the eighth car, Carl Downing was seated inside. Carl Downing shot Danny in the head four times.
  And in Cleveland today, 27 people suffered twelve hours of continuous whiplash when a man claiming to be the Devil hijacked a roller coaster.
  And to kind of wind up the news tonight, we take a look at the news hostility scoreboard- find out how we're treating each other around the world. According to the scoreboard,
  we got 4 civil wars goin' on right now, 2 brush fire wars 4 vest-pocket wars 9 wars of liberation 2 police actions 16 revolutions 35 rebellions 58 border clashes 21 terrorist bombings 36 retaliatory raids 400 guerrilla operations 95 commando strikes 612 acts of sabotage 237 cease-fire violations 44 surprise attacks 6 outside aggressions 6 internal upheavals 3 protective reaction strikes 10 counterinsurgencies 21 violent disturbances 30 warlike acts 906 hostile incidents 10 arms races 18 deliberate provocations 61 threats to security 9 dangerous escalations 2 military confrontations 6 heightenings of tension 14 heated exchanges 12 belligerent moves 17 reprisals..

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  The Planet Is Fineshow lyrics

  The Planet Is Fine

  We're so self-important. So self-important. Everybody's going to save something now. "Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails." And the greatest arrogance of all: save the planet. What? Are these fucking people kidding me? Save the planet, we don't even know how to take care of ourselves yet. We haven't learned how to care for one another, we're gonna save the fucking planet?
  I'm getting tired of that shit. Tired of that shit. I'm tired of fucking Earth Day, I'm tired of these self-righteous environmentalists, these white, bourgeois liberals who think the only thing wrong with this country is there aren't enough bicycle paths. People trying to make the world save for their Volvos. Besides, environmentalists don't give a shit about the planet. They don't care about the planet. Not in the abstract they don't. Not in the abstract they don't. You know what they're interested in? A clean place to live. Their own habitat. They're worried that some day in the future, they might be personally inconvenienced. Narrow, unenlightened self-interest doesn't impress me.
  Besides, there is nothing wrong with the planet. Nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine. The PEOPLE are fucked. Difference. Difference. The planet is fine. Compared to the people, the planet is doing great. Been here four and a half billion years. Did you ever think about the arithmetic? The planet has been here four and a half billion years. We've been here, what, a hundred thousand? Maybe two hundred thousand? And we've only been engaged in heavy industry for a little over two hundred years. Two hundred years versus four and a half billion. And we have the CONCEIT to think that somehow we're a threat? That somehow we're gonna put in jeopardy this beautiful little blue-green ball that's just a-floatin' around the sun?
  The planet has been through a lot worse than us. Been through all kinds of things worse than us. Been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, continental drift, solar flares, sun spots, magnetic storms, the magnetic reversal of the poles...hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids and meteors, worlwide floods, tidal waves, worldwide fires, erosion, cosmic rays, recurring ice ages...And we think some plastic bags, and some aluminum cans are going to make a difference? The planet...the planet...the planet isn't going anywhere. WE ARE!
  We're going away. Pack your shit, folks. We're going away. And we won't leave much of a trace, either. Thank God for that. Maybe a little styrofoam. Maybe. A little styrofoam. The planet'll be here and we'll be long gone. Just another failed mutation. Just another closed-end biological mistake. An evolutionary cul-de-sac. The planet'll shake us off like a bad case of fleas. A surface nuisance.
  You wanna know how the planet's doing? Ask those people at Pompeii, who are frozen into position from volcanic ash, how the planet's doing. You wanna know if the planet's all right, ask those people in Mexico City or Armenia or a hundred other places buried under thousands of tons of earthquake rubble, if they feel like a threat to the planet this week. Or how about those people in Kilowaia, Hawaii, who built their homes right next to an active volcano, and then wonder why they have lava in the living room.
  The planet will be here for a long, long, LONG time after we're gone, and it will heal itself, it will cleanse itself, 'cause that's what it does. It's a self-correcting system. The air and the water will recover, the earth will be renewed, and if it's true that plastic is not degradable, well, the planet will simply incorporate plastic into a new pardigm: the earth plus plastic. The earth doesn't share our prejudice towards plastic. Plastic came out of the earth. The earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. Could be the only reason the earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place. It wanted plastic for itself. Didn't know how to make it. Needed us. Could be the answer to our age-old egocentric philosophical question, "Why are we here?" Plastic...asshole.
  So, the plastic is here, our job is done, we can be phased out now. And I think that's begun. Don't you think that's already started? I think, to be fair, the planet sees us as a mild threat. Something to be dealt with. And the planet can defend itself in an organized, collective way, the way a beehive or an ant colony can. A collective defense mechanism. The planet will think of something. What would you do if you were the planet? How would you defend yourself against this troublesome, pesky species? Let's see... Viruses. Viruses might be good. They seem vulnerable to viruses. And, uh...viruses are tricky, always mutating and forming new strains whenever a vaccine is developed. Perhaps, this first virus could be one that compromises the immune system of these creatures. Perhaps a human immunodeficiency virus, making them vulnerable to all sorts of other diseases and infections that might come along. And maybe it could be spread sexually, making them a little reluctant to engage in the act of reproduction.

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  Death And Dyingshow lyrics

  Death And Dying

  Jeez, I hope I don't die. Oh, by the way, You're all going to die. Didn't mean to remind you of it, but.. ah.. it is on your schedule. Won't come when you want, it's always off a little. "What, now here on the freeway?" "Um-hmm." "Thought surely I'd be home lying down."
  Comics are supposed to worry about dying, ya know? "I don't want to die out there, man. Jeez, I was dying. It was Death out there. Like a morgue."
  On the other hand, if he succeeds, if he makes you laugh he can say, "I killed 'em. Knocked them dead."
  Why is there so much violence mixed up with comedy, you know, which should be so much fun. It's all dying and bombing. He Bombed! Or else he was a riot! A real scream, "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! "I cracked up laughing and he broke me up too!! I busted a gut laughing!! My friend was in stitches!! He fractures me with his punchlines and his gags!! [Gag] Slapstick!! Knee-slappin', side-splittin', Rib-splittin', Gut-bustin'......Laugh? I thought I'd die"
  But, I just want to tell you about regular dying. Plain old cacking out. Some people think cacking out means to go to sleep. Dying. The Big Cackeroo! We're all going to go, when will it be?
  You know, it should be, instead of sort of a fear thing, it should be sort of fun. Kind of a...you know, the next big adventure. We're gonna find out where we go. That's what we all been talking about, "Where the hell do you go?" "I don't know. You must go somewhere, maybe" "Phil had an idea..." "I know, I heard Phil" "But where do you go?" "I don't know"
  You're gonna find out. Hope it isn't nowhere, man. Think you go where you think you're gonna go. Whatever you dwell on. Did you ever hear those guys, "Oh Don't pray for me, Don't waste your prayers on me. I'm going to Hell" He is! If Monty Hall dies he'll probably go behind Door #4. Whatever you think.
  Suicide is for people who can't wait to find out where the hell it is you go, "Holy Shit, I been waiting a long time" I don't have many nights like that. But when you think about it,you know, *mumbling* Suicide. I always pictured myself on the ledge. There's gotta be a little show business involved. You know, you don't wanna slump over a porcelin fixture. "Let me get up here.. Hey-y-y-y-y-y!" Set the record, be the first guy to reach the double yellow line. Have you picture in the centerfold of the newspaper. Actually, a picture of the building with a dotted line showing "Leaper's Path" Suicide!
  Suppose you worked on the Suicide Hotline. Helping people talk them out of it. That's your job, "Hello, Suicide Hotline." And one morning you wake up a little depressed. Should you can in sick?
  I'd like to see a top salesman commit suicide. A really persuasive guy up on the ledge. And the Priest talks him out of it. And he talks the Priest in to it.
  People say maybe you'll come back. Reincarnation. Do you think so? Well, it doesn't seem mathematically possible to me, man. Ah, 'cause at one time all we had on the Earth was 6 people, you know. I avoid 2 because it's controversial, but 6. Most people will agree, "Oh fuck ya, we had 6 at one time, yeah" 6 people, 6 souls. Cool! They died, souls went back to the place. 6 new people, souls *Whew* Still 6 souls. Now we have 4 billion people claiming to have souls. Someone is printing up souls. And it lowers their value, you know.
  When I die, I don't wanna go through that funeral shit. Funeral. Hey, when you die you get more popular than you've ever been. In you're whole life. You get more flowers when you die than you ever got at all. They all arrive at once too late. And people say the nicest things about you, they'll make shit up if they have to man, "Oh yeah, he's an asshole but a well meaning asshole" "Yeah poor Bill is dead." "Yeah poor Bill is dead." "Poor Tom is gone" "Yeah, poor Tom" "Poor John died" "Yeah, John" "What about Ed?" "No Ed, that motherfucker? He's still alive man!" "Get him outta here!" You're approval curve goes way up, man.
  You might just be in one of those funerals where you're lying in the coffin, you know, folks looking at you, they... "Open it up, I want to see him!" And you're lying there. And they come by. The First thing they do, after blessing themselves if they do that, is subtract their age from your age. Figure at a minimum what they have still to live. They don't know you're lying there with no back in your jacket and short pants on. shit. Embarrassed by the rouge. And they say, "Jeez, don't he look good." "He's dead, man" "I know, but he never looked that good!"
  I don't wanna have a funeral like that. And I don't wanna be cremated, either. I wanna be blown up! *BOOM!* "There he goes!! God Love Him!!"
  I figured out a way to commit the perfect murder. Again, you know, you gotta think of something. You pick one guy up by his ankles, and you kill another guy with him. they both die and there's no murder weapon, man. "What happened here, Sarge?" "I don't know, it looks like a pedestrian accident to me." "They must've been moving at quite a clip!"
  Suppose you're on death row. They gotta give you that meal. That last meal. They don't wanna hear Elephant Steaks and shit like that, but within reason, your last meal, man. And suppose you can't decide between Steak and Lobster. That's it. Can't decide, I don't know. Polygraph, Truth serum... Man doesn't know. 6 months alive, can't decide. They'd have to let you live, they can drag you down the last mile screaming, "I can't decide!" And then one day, finally, "Okay, alright, okay.....Give me the steak" "Now, how did you want that cooked?" "Ahhhhhh, I dunno"
  They say you have a flashback just before you die. See your life over again, kind of a little movie, little news reel, "ta-da-da...ta-da...ta-da-da" Again, it doesn't seem mathematically possible, hmm? Okay. You're out in the surf. *Gasp* Second, Third time. *Gasp* You're about to die, then the movie starts, "ta-da-da...ta-da...ta-da-da" Now you've gotta see the whole movie including the ending which involves arriving at the beach, walking out into the surf and having the movie start. You gotta see it again. Thanks to the movie we can never die, man.
  Well I say if you're gonna die, die big. Entertain those you leave behind. Posthumous Reflexes. You know. Dying takes place in the stages and not all the electrical energy in your brain is discharged when you're dead. Every now and then a corpse goes.. *SNORT* Veterans know, "No, no that's just electricity." And I say if we have this possibility, let's plan those reflexes. Do something entertaining. Roll over on the autopsy table. Cross your legs, scratch your balls. Do something. Be fun. But you can entertain and the only reason I suggest that you can..ah..have something to do with the way you die is a little known and less understood portion of death called the Two Minute Warning. Obviously many of you don't know about it. But just as in football, two minutes before you die, there is an audible warning:
  "TWO MINUTES, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!"
  And the reason we don't know about it is cause the only people who hear it die! And they don't have a chance to explain, you know. I don't think we'd listen anyway. But there is a two minute warning and I say use those two minutes. Entertain, uplift, do something. Give a two minute speech. Everyone has a two minute speech in them. Something you know, something you love. Your vacation, man. Two minutes. Really do it well. Alot of feeling, alot of spirit and built wax eloquent for the first time. Reach a peak. With about 5 second left, tell them, "If this is not the truth, May God strike me dead!" From then on you command much more attention.
  Maybe you'll get your two minute warning when you're in the office. Get up and start your own funeral collection. "What's the record, Bill? I'd like to top the record." "Whatever your motive."
  You might be at an exercise program. Get up and volunteer for something strenuous. Do the lyndi hops and refuse to stop when they do. Tell them you have a new exercise, the Hindu Death Exercise. Jump til you die.
  Maybe you'll get your two minute warning when you're in the audience at a faith healer's program. "Two Minutes!!" Get up and get on line with the healees. Tell them you got the willies. Nobody know what the willies look like anyway, man. Just get on line and time it right, 15 seconds and you kneel down and she puts her hands on your shoulder and you DIE!! "Got Me!"
  EVANGELIST SLAYS WORSHIPPER: 50,000 LOOK ON. POLICE SIFT CLUES.

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  The Ten Commandmentsshow lyrics

  The Ten Commandments

  I have a problem with the Ten Commandments. Here it is: Why are there ten? We don't need that many. I think the list of commandments was deliberately and artificially inflated to get it up to ten. It's clearly a padded list.
  Here's how it happened: About five thousand years ago, a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to figure out how they could control people and keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so these guys announced that God— God personally—had given one of them a list of Ten Commandments that he wanted everyone to follow. They claimed the whole thing took place on a mountaintop, when no one else was around.
  But let me ask you something: When these guys were sittin' around the tent makin' all this up, why did they pick ten? Why ten? Why not nine, or eleven? I'll tell you why. Because ten sounds important. Ten sounds official. They knew if they tried eleven, people wouldn't take them seriously. People would say, "What're you kiddin' me? The Eleven Commandments? Get the fuck outta here!"
  But ten! Ten sounds important. Ten is the basis for the decimal system; it's a decade. It's a psychologically satisfying number: the top ten; the ten most wanted; the ten best-dressed. So deciding on Ten Commandments was clearly a marketing decision. And it's obviously a bullshit list. In truth, it's a politic; document, artificially inflated to sell better.
  I'm going to show you how you can reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that's a bit more logical and realistic. We'll start with the first three, and I'll use the Roman Catholic version because those are the ones I was fed as a little boy.
  • I AM THE LORD THY GOD, THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE
  GODS BEFORE ME.
  • THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN
  VAIN.
  • THOU SHALT KEEP HOLY THE SABBATH.
  Okay, right off the bat, the first three commandments—pure bullshit "Sabbath day," "Lord's name," "strange gods." Spooky language. Spooky language designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious mumbo jumbo like this apply to the lives of intelligent, civilized human in the twenty-first century. You throw out the first three commandments, am you're down to seven.
  •HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER.
  This commandment is about obedience and respect for authority; in other words it's simply a device for controlling people. The truth is, obedience and respect should not be granted automatically. They should be earned. They should be based on the parents' (or the authority figure's) performance. Some parents deserve respect. Most of them don't. Period. We're down to six.
  Now, in the interest of logic—something religion has a really hard time with—I'm going to skip around the list a little bit:
  • THOU SHALT NOT STEAL.
  • THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS.
  Stealing and lying. Actually, when you think about it, these two commandments cover the same sort of behavior: dishonesty. Stealing and lying. So we don't need two of them. Instead, we combine these two and call it "Thou shalt not be dishonest." Suddenly we're down to five.
  And as long as we're combining commandments I have two others that belong together:
  • THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY.
  • THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE.
  Once again, these two prohibit the same sort of behavior; in this case, marital infidelity. The difference between them is that coveting takes place in the mind. And I don't think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else's wife, otherwise what's a guy gonna think about when he's waxing his carrot?
  But marital fidelity is a good idea, so I suggest we keep the idea and call this commandment "Thou shalt not be unfaithful." Suddenly we're down to four.
  And when you think about it further, honesty and fidelity are actually parts of the same overall value. So, in truth, we could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments, and, using positive language instead of negative, call the whole thing "Thou shalt always be honest and faithful." And now we're down to three.
  •THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S GOODS.
  This one is just plain stupid. Coveting your neighbor's goods is what keeps the economy going: Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays "O Come All Ye Faithful," you want to get one, too. Coveting creates jobs. Leave it alone.
  You throw out coveting and you're down to two now: the big, combined honesty/fidelity commandment, and the one we haven't mentioned yet:
  •THOU SHALT NOT KILL.
  Murder. The Fifth Commandment. But, if you give it a little thought, you realize that religion has never really had a problem with murder. Not really. More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.
  To cite a few examples, just think about Irish history, the Middle East, the Crusades, the Inquisition, our own abortion-doctor killings and, yes, the World Trade Center to see how seriously religious people take Thou Shalt Not Kill. Apparently, to religious folks—especially the truly devout—murder is negotiable. It just depends on who's doing the killing and who's getting killed.
  And so, with all of this in mind, folks, I offer you my revised list of the Two Commandments:
  •THOU SHALT ALWAYS BE HONEST AND FAITHFUL, ESPECIALLY
  TO THE PROVIDER OF THY NOOKIE.
  And second:
  •THOU SHALT TRY REAL HARD NOT TO KILL ANYONE, UNLESS,
  OF COURSE, THEY PRAY TO A DIFFERENT INVISIBLE MAN
  THAN THE ONE YOU PRAY TO.
  Two is all you need, folks. Moses could have carried them down the hill in his pocket. And if we had a list like that, I wouldn't mind that brilliant judge in Alabama displaying it prominently in the courthouse wall. As long he included one additional commandment:

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  There Is No Godshow lyrics

  There Is No God

  But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I
  want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I
  really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to
  believe that there is a God, who created each of us in
  His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and
  keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe
  that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the
  more you look around, the more you realize, something
  is fucked up.
  Something is wrong here. War, disease, death,
  destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime,
  corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is
  definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the
  best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these
  do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is
  the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with
  a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any
  decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on
  his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I
  say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at
  these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a
  man.
  No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this.
  So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people
  might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe,
  just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give a shit,
  which I admire in a person, and which would explain a
  lot of these bad results.
  So rather than be just another mindless religious
  robot, mindlessly and aimlessly and blindly believing
  that all of this is in the hands of some spooky
  incompetent father figure who doesn't give a shit, I
  decided to look around for something else to worship.
  Something I could really count on.
  And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like
  that. Overnight I became a sun-worshipper. Well, not
  overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But first
  thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper.
  Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay?
  Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually
  see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something, I
  don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you
  know? So everyday I can see the sun, as it gives me
  everything I need; heat, light, food, flowers in the
  park, reflections on the lake, an occasional skin
  cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions,
  and we're not setting people on fire simply because
  they don't agree with us.
  Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no
  miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there
  are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special
  building where we all gather once a week to compare
  clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never
  tells me I'm unworthy. Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person
  who needs to be saved. Hasn't said an unkind word.
  Treats me fine. So, I worship the sun. But, I don't
  pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn't presume on our
  friendship. It's not polite.
  I've often thought people treat God rather rudely,
  don't you? Asking trillions and trillions of prayers
  every day. Asking and pleading and begging for favors.
  Do this, gimme that, I need a new car, I want a better
  job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday His
  day off. It's not nice. And it's no way to treat a
  friend.
  But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of
  different things, you know, your sister needs an
  operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested for
  defecating in a mall. But most of all, you'd really
  like to fuck that hot little redhead down at the
  convenience store. You know, the one with the eyepatch
  and the clubfoot? Can you pray for that? I think you'd
  have to. And I say, fine. Pray for anything you want.
  Pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan?
  Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made
  a Divine Plan. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was
  a good plan, put it into practice. And for billions and
  billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just
  fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well
  suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan?
  What do you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for
  you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a Divine
  Plan. What's the use of being God if every run-down
  shmuck with a two-dollar prayerbook can come along and
  fuck up Your Plan?
  And here's something else, another problem you might
  have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you
  say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine,
  but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He
  wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the
  first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me!
  Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to
  His Will? It's all very confusing.
  So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship
  the sun. But, as I said, I don't pray to the sun. You
  know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of
  all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that
  counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things
  done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci
  came through on a couple of things that God was having
  trouble with.
  For years I asked God to do something about my noisy
  neighbor with the barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened
  that cocksucker out with one visit. It's amazing what
  you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat.
  So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I
  noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I
  used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer
  to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50%
  rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I
  don't. Same as God, 50-50. Same as the four-leaf clover
  and the horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit's
  foot, same as the Mojo Man, same as the Voodoo Lady who
  tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's
  testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your
  superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy
  yourself.
  And for those of you who look to The Bible for moral
  lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a
  couple of other stories for you. You might want to look
  at the Three Little Pigs, that's a good one. Has a nice
  happy ending, I'm sure you'll like that. Then there's
  Little Red Riding Hood, although it does have that X-
  rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the
  grandmother. Which I didn't care for, by the way. And
  finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral
  comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best?
  "All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't
  put Humpty Dumpty back together again." That's because
  there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None,
  not one, no God, never was.
  In fact, I'm gonna put it this way. If there is a God,
  may he strike this audience dead! See? Nothing
  happened. Nothing happened? Everybody's okay? All
  right, tell you what, I'll raise the stakes a little
  bit. If there is a God, may he strike me dead. See?
  Nothing happened, oh, wait, I've got a little cramp in
  my leg. And my balls hurt. Plus, I'm blind. I'm blind,
  oh, now I'm okay again, must have been Joe Pesci, huh?
  God Bless Joe Pesci. Thank you all very much. Joe Bless

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  Unrelated Thingsshow lyrics

  Unrelated Things

  My grandfather used to say somethin'. My grandfather used to say, "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY, MAN!"
  You know what's really a ripoff? Buying flowers. They're free, man. But we buy them. Not only that. We buy them and we bring them home and they die. It's the only thing that you buy and you bring it home and it dies and you don't give a shit; you don't want your money back. I'd be down to the florist in a minute! "Fuck you! Gimme my money! These things died! You kiddin' me!"
  We're really getting screwed in a lotta ways. You realize how many peanuts elephants owe us? As a group, we have never gotten any of these peanuts back. I'm down twenty-three, twenty-four bags myself. We fuckin' pull up peanut posies. We got the elephants by the balls, man.
  What do dogs do on their day off? They can't lie around; that's their job, man!
  I know a guy who was trying to perfect a method for fucking while running at full speed.
  There's a moment coming. It's not here yet. It's still in the future. It's on the way. Hold on. Here it is! Oh shit, it's gone, man. We blew another one.

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  George Carlinshow lyrics

  George Carlin

  Quality, value, style, service, selection, convenience
  Economy, savings, performance, experience, hospitality
  Low rates, friendly service, name brands, easy terms
  Affordable prices, money-back guarantee.
  Free installation, free admission, free appraisal, free alterations,
  Free delivery, free estimates, free home trial, and free parking.
  No cash? No problem! No kidding! No fuss, no muss,
  No risk, no obligation, no red tape, no down payment,
  No entry fee, no hidden charges, no purchase necessary,
  No one will call on you, no payments or interest till September.
  Limited time only, though, so act now, order today, send no money,
  Offer good while supplies last, two to a customer, each item sold separately,
  Batteries not included, mileage may vary, all sales are final,
  Allow six weeks for delivery, some items not available,
  Some assembly required, some restrictions may apply.
  So come on in for a free demonstration and a free consultation
  with our friendly, professional staff. Our experienced and
  knowledgeable sales representatives will help you make a
  selection that's just right for you and just right for your budget.
  And say, don't forget to pick up your free gift: a classic deluxe
  custom designer luxury prestige high-quality premium select
  gourmet pocket pencil sharpener. Yours for the asking,
  no purchase necessary. It's our way of saying thank you.
  And if you act now, we'll include an extra added free complimentary
  bonus gift at no cost to you: a classic deluxe custom designer
  luxury prestige high-quality premium select gourmet combination
  key ring, magnifying glass, and garden hose, in a genuine
  imitation leather-style carrying case with authentic vinyl trim.
  Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary. It's our way of
  saying thank you.
  Actually, it's our way of saying 'Bend over just a little farther
  so we can stick this big advertising dick up your ass a little bit
  deeper, a little bit deeper, a little bit DEEPER, you miserable

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  Join The Book Clubshow lyrics

  Join The Book Club

  Join the Book Club! As an introductory offer, we'll send you the following books absolutely free: Eat, Run, Stay Fit And Die Anyway, How To Seem Intelligent, There's Big Money In Staying Put, Peace Of Mind By Losing Complete Control For 16 Hours a Day, Your Thighs Control Your Life, How To Fillet A Panda, Rid Yourself Of Doubt... Or Should You?, Chances Are Your Sister's Full Of Shit, How To Give Yourself A Complete Physical Without Getting Undressed, 64 Good Reasons For Giving Up Hope, Why Jews Point, 100 Dead People Nobody Misses, Backpacking For Shut-Ins, My Dog Is A Real Fruit, Your Shoes Are Worth Money, Reorganizing Your Pockets, What To Wear On The Toilet, 124 Simple Exercises For The Teeth, The Stains In Your Shorts Can Indicate Your Future, Tips On Getting Laid, Self-Mutilation As An Attention Getter, 600 Ways To Give People The Shaft, Tremble Your Way To Fitness, You Give Me Six Weeks And I'll Give You Some Disease.
  And if you join today, we'll send the following books absolutely free: Poems for the Insane, A Treasury of Poorly Understood Ideas, Apartment Hunting For Devil Worshipers, A Complete List of All The Things That Are Still Pending
  And these books on food are yours: The Intravenous Cookbook, The Meaning Of Corn, Fill Your Life With Croutons, The Food Coloring Diet, Cooking For The Paralyzed, Cooking With Heat
  And, if you join today, we'll send the following books absolutely free: Controlling Fear Without Getting Frightened, Things No One Can Help, Understanding People You'll Never Meet, 6 Ways To Fuck Up Before Breakfast, Marriage For One, I Suck-You Suck, Let's Change The Alphabet, Famous Bullshit Stories, Sport Fishing With Power Saws, Why Hawaii And Norway Are Not Near Each Other
  And if you join today, we'll send the following books absolutely free: A List Of People Who Mean Well, Don't Throw Away Your Old Skin, 10 Things We Don't Know Yet, Caring For The Seated, The Wrong Underwear Can Kill, Trotting Across Zaire, Why It Doesn't Snow Any More, A Complete List Of Everyone's Personal Effects, Six Cities No One Has Ever Been To, I Gave Up Hope And Died And It Worked!, Famous People Who Were Wiry, The Lives Of Six Extremely Short Saints, Anna May Wong's Tits Are Made Of Aluminum
  And if you join today, we'll send the following instruction books absolutely free: How To Do Everything At Once, How To Give People Your Best Regards, How To Spoil Other People's Fun, How To Kill A Rat With An Oboe, How To Organize A Tupperware Gang Bang, How To Wave Goodbye Without Moving Your Arms, How To Spot Truly Vicious People In Church, How To Get Back From Boston, How To Lease Out The Space Inside Your Nose, How To Get A Tan With A Flashlight, How To Start A Range War, How To Spot A Creep From A Distance, How To Give A King A Really Hard Time, How To Kill Your Nephew, How To Become A Greaseball and How To Turn Unbearable Pain Into Extra Income.

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  Flesh Colored Band-aidsshow lyrics

  Flesh Colored Band-aids

  Flesh colored Band-Aids. That's another thing we left the blacks out of, man. Didn't consult them at all. Flesh colored..we didn't even consult all the whites on that one. Ya ever notice them Band-Aids? I don't know anyone that color. It's kind of an off-coffee. I don't know nobody like that. And I've never seen anybody with their pores laid out in grids like that, man. Fuckin' science fiction. But some businessman had to pick that color out. He had to approve it. Some man who was assigned a pad...a pencil...a place to write...had to OK the art department. Art department brought up all the shit- "Let me see..55, 51, I dunno..51, 53. That'll be flesh! 53!" Wow! Didn't even bother me.
  Flesh colored crayons pissed me off! I was a war baby. 1937- I was maybe 8 years of age when it was over. And flesh colored crayons didn't come in for a long time, man. Flesh colored crayons came in when I was 19. I had been out of coloring for over a year by then. I had gone through rubbing orange and red together.

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  Have A Nice Dayshow lyrics

  Have A Nice Day

  I had kind of an interesting morning this morning. I call it 'interesting', I use that word because I don't have a 'nice' day anymore. Frankly, I don't bother with them. I feel as if I've outgrown the nice day. Let someone else have a few. I've had my share. Why should I be hogging all the really nice ones? So I feel I'm beyond the nice day now. 'Course people still want me to have one. Everybody wants me to have a nice day. "Have a nice day!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you give me my fuckin' change, please!" Some people are really insistent- "I said have a nice day!"
  "Okay, okay goddammit, all right!" That's the trouble with 'have a nice day'; it puts all the pressure on you. Now you've gotta go out and somehow manage to have a good time. All because of some loose lipped cashier. 'Have a nice day'...Maybe I don't feel like having a nice day. Maybe, just maybe, I've had 63 nice days in a row. And, by God, I'm ready for a crappy day. Let someone wish me a crappy day. I never hear that. "Have a crappy day!" That's no problem at all. All you have to do is get up some mornings. There's no planning involved.
  Y'know the trouble with that 'nice day' stuff for me is that word 'nice'. It's just such a soft, kinda flabby word. There's no character to it. 'Nice'..."Isn't he 'nice'? Oh, he is so 'nice'! And she's 'nice', too! Isn't that 'nice'?" It's like 'fine'. "How are ya?" "Fine." BULLSHIT! Nobody's 'fine'. Hair is fine. "How's your hair?" "Fine!" That makes a lot more sense to me. Some guys are 'great'. Y'ever hear that? How are ya? "Great! This is great! Goddamn! This is great! Look! They're gonna kill that guy! Isn't that great?"

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  Jammin' In New Yorkshow lyrics

  Jammin' In New York

  We're so self-important. So self-important. Everybody's going to save something now. "Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails." And the greatest arrogance of all: save the planet. What? Are these fucking people kidding me? Save the planet, we don't even know how to take care of ourselves yet. We haven't learned how to care for one another, we're gonna save the fucking planet?
  I'm getting tired of that shit. Tired of that shit. I'm tired of fucking Earth Day, I'm tired of these self-righteous environmentalists, these white, bourgeois liberals who think the only thing wrong with this country is there aren't enough bicycle paths. People trying to make the world save for their Volvos. Besides, environmentalists don't give a shit about the planet. They don't care about the planet. Not in the abstract they don't. Not in the abstract they don't. You know what they're interested in? A clean place to live. Their own habitat. They're worried that some day in the future, they might be personally inconvenienced. Narrow, unenlightened self-interest doesn't impress me.
  Besides, there is nothing wrong with the planet. Nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine. The PEOPLE are fucked. Difference. Difference. The planet is fine. Compared to the people, the planet is doing great. Been here four and a half billion years. Did you ever think about the arithmetic? The planet has been here four and a half billion years. We've been here, what, a hundred thousand? Maybe two hundred thousand? And we've only been engaged in heavy industry for a little over two hundred years. Two hundred years versus four and a half billion. And we have the CONCEIT to think that somehow we're a threat? That somehow we're gonna put in jeopardy this beautiful little blue-green ball that's just a-floatin' around the sun?
  The planet has been through a lot worse than us. Been through all kinds of things worse than us. Been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, continental drift, solar flares, sun spots, magnetic storms, the magnetic reversal of the poles...hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids and meteors, worlwide floods, tidal waves, worldwide fires, erosion, cosmic rays, recurring ice ages...And we think some plastic bags, and some aluminum cans are going to make a difference? The planet...the planet...the planet isn't going anywhere. WE ARE!
  We're going away. Pack your shit, folks. We're going away. And we won't leave much of a trace, either. Thank God for that. Maybe a little styrofoam. Maybe. A little styrofoam. The planet'll be here and we'll be long gone. Just another failed mutation. Just another closed-end biological mistake. An evolutionary cul-de-sac. The planet'll shake us off like a bad case of fleas. A surface nuisance.
  You wanna know how the planet's doing? Ask those people at Pompeii, who are frozen into position from volcanic ash, how the planet's doing. You wanna know if the planet's all right, ask those people in Mexico City or Armenia or a hundred other places buried under thousands of tons of earthquake rubble, if they feel like a threat to the planet this week. Or how about those people in Kilowaia, Hawaii, who built their homes right next to an active volcano, and then wonder why they have lava in the living room.
  The planet will be here for a long, long, LONG time after we're gone, and it will heal itself, it will cleanse itself, 'cause that's what it does. It's a self-correcting system. The air and the water will recover, the earth will be renewed, and if it's true that plastic is not degradable, well, the planet will simply incorporate plastic into a new pardigm: the earth plus plastic. The earth doesn't share our prejudice towards plastic. Plastic came out of the earth. The earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. Could be the only reason the earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place. It wanted plastic for itself. Didn't know how to make it. Needed us. Could be the answer to our age-old egocentric philosophical question, "Why are we here?" Plastic...asshole.
  So, the plastic is here, our job is done, we can be phased out now. And I think that's begun. Don't you think that's already started? I think, to be fair, the planet sees us as a mild threat. Something to be dealt with. And the planet can defend itself in an organized, collective way, the way a beehive or an ant colony can. A collective defense mechanism. The planet will think of something. What would you do if you were the planet? How would you defend yourself against this troublesome, pesky species? Let's see... Viruses. Viruses might be good. They seem vulnerable to viruses. And, uh...viruses are tricky, always mutating and forming new strains whenever a vaccine is developed. Perhaps, this first virus could be one that compromises the immune system of these creatures. Perhaps a human immunodeficiency virus, making them vulnerable to all sorts of other diseases and infections that might come along. And maybe it could be spread sexually, making them a little reluctant to engage in the act of reproduction.
  Well, that's a poetic note. And it's a start. And I can dream, can't I? See I don't worry about the little things: bees, trees, whales, snails. I think we're part of a greater wisdom than we will ever understand. A higher order. Call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. The Big Electron...whoooa. Whoooa. Whoooa. It doesn't punish, it doesn't reward, it doesn't judge at all. It just is. And so are we. For a little while.

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  Sanctity Of Lifeshow lyrics

  Sanctity Of Life

  But you know, the longer you listen to this abortion
  debate, the more you hear this phrase "sanctity of
  life". You've heard that. Sanctity of life. You believe
  in it? Personally, I think it's a bunch of shit. Well,
  I mean, life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you
  read history, you realise that God is one of the
  leading causes of death. Has been for thousands of
  years. Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians all taking
  turns killing each other 'cuz God told them it was a
  good idea. The sword of God, the blood of the land,
  veangence is mine. Millions of dead motherfuckers.
  Millions of dead motherfuckers all because they gave
  the wrong answer to the God question. "You believe in
  God?" "No." *Pdoom*. Dead. "You believe in God?" "Yes."
  "You believe in my God? "No." *Poom*. Dead. "My God has
  a bigger dick than your God!" Thousands of years.
  Thousands of years, and all the best wars, too. The
  bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on
  religious hatred. Which is fine with me. Hey, any time
  a bunch of holy people want to kill each other I'm a
  happy guy.
  But don't be giving me all this shit about the sanctity
  of life. I mean, even if there were such a thing, I
  don't think it's something you can blame on God. No,
  you know where the sanctity of life came from? We made
  it up. You know why? 'Cuz we're alive. Self-interest.
  Living people have a strong interest in promoting the
  idea that somehow life is sacred. You don't see Abbott
  and Costello running around, talking about this shit,
  do you? We're not hearing a whole lot from Musolini on
  the subject. What's the latest from JFK? Not a goddamn
  thing. 'Cuz JFK, Musolini and Abbott and Costello are
  fucking dead. They're fucking dead. And dead people
  give less than a shit about the sanctity of life. Only
  living people care about it so the whole thing grows
  out of a completely biased point of view. It's a self
  serving, man-made bullshit story.
  It's one of these things we tell ourselves so we'll
  feel noble. Life is sacred. Makes you feel noble. Well
  let me ask you this: if everything that ever lived is
  dead, and everything alive is gonna die, where does the
  sacred part come in? I'm having trouble with that.
  'Cuz, I mean, even with all this stuff we preach about
  the sanctity of life, we don't practice it. We don't
  practice it. Look at what we'd kill: Mosquitos and
  flies. 'Cuz they're pests. Lions and tigers. 'Cuz it's
  fun! Chickens and pigs. 'Cuz we're hungry. Pheasants
  and quails. 'Cuz it's fun. And we're hungry. And
  people. We kill people... 'Cuz they're pests. And it's
  fun!
  And you might have noticed something else. The sanctity
  of life doesn't seem to apply to cancer cells, does it?
  You rarely see a bumper sticker that says "Save the
  tumors.". Or "I brake for advanced melanoma.". No,
  viruses, mold, mildew, maggots, fungus, weeds, E. Coli
  bacteria, the crabs. Nothing sacred about those things.
  So at best the sanctity of life is kind of a selective
  thing. We get to choose which forms of life we feel are
  sacred, and we get to kill the rest. Pretty neat deal,
  huh? You know how we got it? We made the whole fucking

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  Ice Box Manshow lyrics

  Ice Box Man

  I'm the ice box man at our house. I'm Ice Box Man! I
  answer the call when there's a need at the ice box. Two
  very important responsibilities, the first one is:
  keeping people from standing with the door to the
  refrigerator open for more than 45 minutes at a time.
  God, that gets me mad - "YOU WANT TO CLOSE THAT GODDAMN
  DOOR PLEASE? YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DOOR?! YOU'RE
  LETTING OUT ALL OF THE COLDNESS I SAVED OVERNIGHT! COME
  ON, CLOSE THE DOOR!" - you know, some guy smoked eight
  joints and he's gonna inventory my refrigerator.
  "Ummmm...Ummm...Uhhh.... "Here, here's fifty dollars-
  go down to the Burger King. Willya, God! We'll save
  more than that on electricity alone. Close the goddamn
  door, willya?" Look, if you wanna know what's in there,
  why don't you take a Polaroid picture and go away and
  look at the picture and then come back and figure out
  what you want. Years ago, we didn't have Polaroid
  cameras. We had to make an OIL PAINTING of what was in
  there!
  Aah, I don't let it get me down. 'Cause there's a
  bigger responsibility. And that is getting into that
  refrigerator and deciding which things need to be
  thrown away. Most people will not take that
  responsibility. Most people will just go and get what
  they want, leave everything else alone and say, "Well,
  someone else wants that. Someone else will eat that"
  Meanwhile, the thing is getting smaller and smaller and
  smaller and is, in fact stuck to the rack. Well, I've
  got to go in there and decide when to throw things
  away. "Chocolate pudding? Does anyone want this last
  chocolate pudding? I have just one chocolate pudding
  left. It's only pulled away from the side of the dish
  about three inches all the way around. And there's a
  huge fault running through the center of the pudding.
  Actually, it's nothing but a ball of skin at this
  point. Does anyone want a ball of fault ridden
  chocolate pudding skin? I'm only going to throw it
  away."
  Do people do that with you? Offer you some food that if
  you don't eat it, they're only going to throw it away.
  Well, doesn't that make you feel dandy? "Here's
  something to eat, Dave. Hurry up, it's spoiling!"
  "Something for you, Angela. Eat quickly, that green
  part is moving!" "Here, Bob. Eat this before I give it
  to an animal." Y'ever been looking through the
  refrigerator and you come across an empty plate? Boy,
  that starts me to wondering. Did something eat
  something else? Maybe the olives ate the tuna! Maybe
  that chicken isn't really dead yet. Actually, I picture
  a little mouse with gloves and a parka on, y'know. Just
  waiting for the lights to go out.
  Perhaps the worst thing that can happen is to reach
  into the refrigerator and come out with something that
  you cannot identify at all. You literally do not know
  what it is. Could be meat, could be cake. Usually, at a
  time like that, I'll bluff. "Honey, is this good?"
  "Well, what is it?" "I don't know. I've never seen
  anything like it. It looks like...meatcake!" "Well,
  smell it." (snort, sniff) "It has absolutely no smell
  whatsoever!" "It's good! Put it back! Somebody is
  saving it. It'll turn up in something." Thats what
  frightens me. That someone will consider it a challenge
  and use it just because it's in there.
  It's a leftover. What a sad word that is. Leftover. How
  would you like to be...a leftover? Well, it wouldn't be
  bad if they were taking people out to be shot. I might
  even volunteer. But, y'know, leftovers make you feel
  good twice. D'ja ever think about that? When you first
  put them away, you feel really intelligent- "I'm saving
  food!" And then, after a month, when hair is growing
  out of them and you throw them away you feel...really
  intelligent- "I'm saving my life!"
  When you make a sandwich at home, do you reach down
  past the first three or four pieces of bread to go down
  and get 'the good bread'? It's kind of a self
  preservation thing, y'know? What you're really saying
  is, "Let my family eat the rotten bread! I'll take care
  of Numero Uno!" And down you go into the loaf. Down,
  looking for the two that you want, a matching pair. And
  you have to be careful pulling them out so they don't
  tear. And then when you get them to the top, the upper
  eight slices fall the other way. I never straighten
  them out. I think, screw it, let 'em think a burglar
  made a sandwich. Not my job, straightening out the
  bread.
  Gotta tell me. In the refrigerator, who is it, please
  that puts into the refrigerator the half-gallon
  containers of milk with only that much left in them? I
  get one of those every time. Hey, here's some milk-
  fooom! ...God, not enough to drink. Better put that

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  I Ain't Afraid Of Cancershow lyrics

  I Ain't Afraid Of Cancer

  Yeah, about time for me to get a little drink of water.
  Figure this stuff is safe to drink? Huh? Actually I
  don't care if it's safe or not, I drink it anyway. You
  know why? Cause I'm an American and I expect a little
  cancer in my food and water. That's right, I'm a loyal
  American and I'm not happy unless I've let government
  and industry poison me a little bit every day. Let me
  have a few hundred thousand carcinogens here.
  Ahh, a little cancer never hurt anybody. Everybody
  needs a little cancer I think. It's good for you. Keeps
  you on you're toes. Besides, I ain't afraid of
  cancer...I had broccoli for lunch. Broccoli kills
  cancer. A lot of people don't know that, it's not out
  yet. It's true. You find out you got some cancer...
  (click) get yourself a fucking bowl of broccoli.
  That'll wipe it right out in a day or two. Cauliflower
  too. Cauliflower kills the really big cancers. The ones
  you can see through clothing from across the street.
  Broccoli kills the little ones. The ones that are
  slowly eating your way from inside...while your
  goddamn, goofy, half- educated doctor keeps telling
  you, "your doing fine Jim." In fact bring your doctor a
  bowl of broccoli. He's probably got cancer too.
  Probably picked it up from you. They don't know what
  their doing, it's all guesswork in a white coat. Here,
  let me have a few more sips of industrial waste.
  Ahh, maybe...maybe I can turn them cancers against one
  another. That's what you gotta hope for you know, that
  you get more than one cancer so they eat each other up
  instead of you. In fact, the way I look at it, the more

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  On The Roadshow lyrics

  On The Road

  Did you notice there aren't many Chinese guys named
  Rusty? Guess the name never caught on over there.
  But you got here, did you all come in the same van by
  any chance? You know, there's a feeling of unity,
  y'know.
  "Good news, Nice man, Yeah"
  Somebody else, "Yeah"
  Oh-oh. [Whistling]
  Come on let me hear it! [Audience whistling]
  No problem!
  Shit, I used to work in a pet shop! I'm used to that,
  right in the morning when they want their seed.
  But you're still the audience. You all came from
  different places.
  That's what I like. Everybody comes from a different
  house. Different apartment, different room... You left
  your rooms.
  "I'm leaving my room," must be special.
  And you come all the way here to act as a unit. It's
  great! You ought to have a reunion next year, you know?
  Get together, talk about the show.
  Well, I think of that shit, audience responsibility
  man.
  When I'm driving to the theater, gonna see a show,
  saying to myself,
  "What kind of a member of the audience will I be
  tonight?" "
  "Will I be a credit to my row?"
  "Will we win Row of the Year?"
  "Suppose we get some shit from another section!"
  Balcony always feels they have a little more soul than
  the folks in the orchestra, hmm?
  You take that shit from them?! They said [Bronx Cheer]
  They're coming down, there coming down.
  See, now we been here 10 minutes and already you're
  choosing up sides, man.
  There's always a few people left over from the Black
  Sabbath concert, man.
  Just.. if ya just elect a spokesman, I'll be glad to
  answer, man.
  But oddly enough these places are built for the voices
  to go that way. And all I can hear is,
  "ESREVER NI GNIKLAT," Shit, I gotta turn around,
  "Asshole, get off!!"
  I broke a nail on that too. Sure you're ok.
  Heinekins, right. Bottled in holland, brewed and
  bottled in Holland. And somebody brought it all the way
  here. Did you ever think about that shit? This was made
  in Holland. Must have come to New York first, probably.
  Some sonofabitch drove this all the way here. Cross
  country trip for a bottle of beer!
  When you're at someone else's house, do you look in
  their draws? When they leave you alone,
  "*mumbling*... Jesus, look at that, man."
  I do, I don't want to steal it, just want to know where
  it is, you know. That's all. In case they need a hand.
  But, you ever look in the desk drawer? Anybody's desk
  drawer? Any desk in the world. You open that top, flat,
  middle drawer. Not the three on the side, or the two
  that look like three. Doesn't that piss you off? The
  desk is lying!! But that top middle drawer, did you
  ever notice there's always four cents in the tray? I'd
  take it, fuck 'em, you know.

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  Complaints & Grievancesshow lyrics

  Complaints & Grievances

  I have a problem with the Ten Commandments. Here it is: Why are there ten? We don't need that many. I think the list of commandments was deliberately and artificially inflated to get it up to ten. It's clearly a padded list.
  Here's how it happened: About five thousand years ago, a bunch of reli­gious and political hustlers got together to figure out how they could control people and keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so these guys announced that God- God personally-had given one of them a list of Ten Commandments that he wanted everyone to follow. They claimed the whole thing took place on a mountaintop, when no one else was around.
  But let me ask you something: When these guys were sittin' around the tent makin' all this up, why did they pick ten? Why ten? Why not nine, or eleven? I'll tell you why. Because ten sounds important. Ten sounds official. They knew if they tried eleven, people wouldn't take them seriously. People would say, "What're you kiddin' me? The Eleven Commandments? Get the fuck outta here!"
  But ten! Ten sounds important. Ten is the basis for the decimal system; it's a decade. It's a psychologically satisfying number: the top ten; the ten most wanted; the ten best-dressed. So deciding on Ten Commandments was clearly a marketing decision. And it's obviously a bullshit list. In truth, it's a politic; document, artificially inflated to sell better.
  I'm going to show you how you can reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that's a bit more logical and realistic. We'll start with the first three, and I'll use the Roman Catholic version because those are the ones I was fed as a little boy.
  • I AM THE LORD THY GOD, THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME.
  • THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN.
  • THOU SHALT KEEP HOLY THE SABBATH.
  Okay, right off the bat, the first three commandments-pure bullshit "Sabbath day," "Lord's name," "strange gods." Spooky language. Spooky language designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious mumbo jumbo like this apply to the lives of intelligent, civilized human in the twenty-first century. You throw out the first three commandments, am you're down to seven.
  •HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER.
  This commandment is about obedience and respect for authority; in other words it's simply a device for controlling people. The truth is, obedience and respect should not be granted automatically. They should be earned. They should be based on the parents' (or the authority figure's) performance. Some parents deserve respect. Most of them don't. Period. We're down to six.
  Now, in the interest of logic-something religion has a really hard time with-I'm going to skip around the list a little bit:
  • THOU SHALT NOT STEAL.
  • THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS.
  Stealing and lying. Actually, when you think about it, these two com­mandments cover the same sort of behavior: dishonesty. Stealing and lying. So we don't need two of them. Instead, we combine these two and call it "Thou shalt not be dishonest." Suddenly we're down to five.
  And as long as we're combining commandments I have two others that be­long together:
  • THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY.
  • THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE.
  Once again, these two prohibit the same sort of behavior; in this case, mar­ital infidelity. The difference between them is that coveting takes place in the mind. And I don't think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else's wife, otherwise what's a guy gonna think about when he's flogging his dong?
  But marital fidelity is a good idea, so I suggest we keep the idea and call this commandment "Thou shalt not be unfaithful." Suddenly we're down to four.
  And when you think about it further, honesty and fidelity are actually parts of the same overall value. So, in truth, we could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments, and, using positive lan­guage instead of negative, call the whole thing "Thou shalt always be honest and faithful." And now we're down to three.
  •THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S GOODS.
  This one is just plain stupid. Coveting your neighbor's goods is what keeps the economy going: Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays "O Come All Ye Faithful," you want to get one, too. Coveting creates jobs. Leave it alone.
  You throw out coveting and you're down to two now: the big, combined honesty/fidelity commandment, and the one we haven't mentioned yet:
  •THOU SHALT NOT KILL.
  Murder. The Fifth Commandment. But, if you give it a little thought, you realize that religion has never really had a problem with murder. Not really. More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.
  To cite a few examples, just think about Irish history, the Middle East, the Crusades, the Inquisition, our own abortion-doctor killings and, yes, the World Trade Center to see how seriously religious people take Thou Shalt Not Kill. Apparently, to religious folks-especially the truly devout-murder is ne­gotiable. It just depends on who's doing the killing and who's getting killed.
  And so, with all of this in mind, folks, I offer you my revised list of the Two Commandments:
  First:
  •THOU SHALT ALWAYS BE HONEST AND FAITHFUL, ESPECIALLY TO THE PROVIDER OF THY NOOKIE.
  And second:
  •THOU SHALT TRY REAL HARD NOT TO KILL ANYONE, UNLESS, OF COURSE, THEY PRAY TO A DIFFERENT INVISIBLE AVENGER THAN THE ONE YOU PRAY TO.
  Two is all you need, folks. Moses could have carried them down the hill in his pocket. And if we had a list like that, I wouldn't mind that brilliant judge in Alabama displaying it prominently in his courthouse lobby. As long he in­cluded one additional commandment:
  •THOU SHALT KEEP THY RELIGION TO THYSELF!!!

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  You Are All Diseasedshow lyrics

  You Are All Diseased

  But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I
  want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I
  really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to
  believe that there is a God, who created each of us in
  His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and
  keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe
  that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the
  more you look around, the more you realize, something
  is fucked up.
  Something is wrong here. War, disease, death,
  destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime,
  corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is
  definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the
  best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these
  do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is
  the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with
  a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any
  decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on
  his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I
  say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at
  these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a
  man.
  No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this.
  So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people
  might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe,
  just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give a shit,
  which I admire in a person, and which would explain a
  lot of these bad results.
  So rather than be just another mindless religious
  robot, mindlessly and aimlessly and blindly believing
  that all of this is in the hands of some spooky
  incompetent father figure who doesn't give a shit, I
  decided to look around for something else to worship.
  Something I could really count on.
  And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like
  that. Overnight I became a sun-worshipper. Well, not
  overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But first
  thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper.
  Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay?
  Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually
  see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something, I
  don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you
  know? So everyday I can see the sun, as it gives me
  everything I need; heat, light, food, flowers in the
  park, reflections on the lake, an occasional skin
  cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions,
  and we're not setting people on fire simply because
  they don't agree with us.
  Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no
  miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there
  are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special
  building where we all gather once a week to compare
  clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never
  tells me I'm unworthy. Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person
  who needs to be saved. Hasn't said an unkind word.
  Treats me fine. So, I worship the sun. But, I don't
  pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn't presume on our
  friendship. It's not polite.
  I've often thought people treat God rather rudely,
  don't you? Asking trillions and trillions of prayers
  every day. Asking and pleading and begging for favors.
  Do this, gimme that, I need a new car, I want a better
  job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday His
  day off. It's not nice. And it's no way to treat a
  friend.
  But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of
  different things, you know, your sister needs an
  operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested for
  defecating in a mall. But most of all, you'd really
  like to fuck that hot little redhead down at the
  convenience store. You know, the one with the eyepatch
  and the clubfoot? Can you pray for that? I think you'd
  have to. And I say, fine. Pray for anything you want.
  Pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan?
  Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made
  a Divine Plan. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was
  a good plan, put it into practice. And for billions and
  billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just
  fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well
  suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan?
  What do you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for
  you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a Divine
  Plan. What's the use of being God if every run-down
  shmuck with a two-dollar prayerbook can come along and
  fuck up Your Plan?
  And here's something else, another problem you might
  have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you
  say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine,
  but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He
  wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the
  first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me!
  Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to
  His Will? It's all very confusing.
  So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship
  the sun. But, as I said, I don't pray to the sun. You
  know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of
  all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that
  counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things
  done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci
  came through on a couple of things that God was having
  trouble with.
  For years I asked God to do something about my noisy
  neighbor with the barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened
  that cocksucker out with one visit. It's amazing what
  you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat.
  So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I
  noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I
  used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer
  to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50%
  rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I
  don't. Same as God, 50-50. Same as the four-leaf clover
  and the horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit's
  foot, same as the Mojo Man, same as the Voodoo Lady who
  tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's
  testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your
  superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy
  yourself.
  And for those of you who look to The Bible for moral
  lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a
  couple of other stories for you. You might want to look
  at the Three Little Pigs, that's a good one. Has a nice
  happy ending, I'm sure you'll like that. Then there's
  Little Red Riding Hood, although it does have that X-
  rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the
  grandmother. Which I didn't care for, by the way. And
  finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral
  comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best?
  "All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't
  put Humpty Dumpty back together again." That's because
  there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None,
  not one, no God, never was.
  In fact, I'm gonna put it this way. If there is a God,
  may he strike this audience dead! See? Nothing
  happened. Nothing happened? Everybody's okay? All
  right, tell you what, I'll raise the stakes a little
  bit. If there is a God, may he strike me dead. See?
  Nothing happened, oh, wait, I've got a little cramp in
  my leg. And my balls hurt. Plus, I'm blind. I'm blind,
  oh, now I'm okay again, must have been Joe Pesci, huh?
  God Bless Joe Pesci. Thank you all very much. Joe Bless
  You!

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  Rape Can Be Funnyshow lyrics

  Rape Can Be Funny

  Ohhh, some people don't like you to talk like that.
  Ohh, some people like to shut you up for saying those
  things.
  You know that. Lots of people. Lots of groups in this
  country want to tell you how to talk.
  Tell you what you can't talk about. Well, sometimes
  they'll say, well you can talk about something but you
  can't joke about it.
  Say you can't joke about something because it's not
  funny. Comedians run into that shit all the time.
  Like rape. They'll say, "you can't joke about rape.
  Rape's not funny."
  I say, "fuck you, I think it's hilarious. How do you
  like that?"
  I can prove to you that rape is funny. Picture Porky
  Pig raping Elmer Fudd.
  See, hey why do you think they call him "Porky," eh? I
  know what you're going to say.
  "Elmer was asking for it. Elmer was coming on to Porky.
  Porky couldn't help himself, he got a hard- on, he got
  horney, he lost control, he went out of his mind."
  A lot of men talk like that. A lot of men think that
  way. They think it's the woman's fault.
  They like to blame the rape on the woman. Say, "she had
  it coming, she was wearing a short skirt."
  These guys think women ought to go to prison for being
  cock teasers. Don't seem fair to me.
  Don't seem right, but you can joke about it. I believe
  you can joke about anything.
  It all depends on how you construct the joke. What the
  exaggeration is. What the exaggeration is.
  Because every joke needs one exaggeration. Every joke
  needs one thing to be way out of proportion.
  Give you an example. Did you ever see a news story like
  this in the paper?
  Every now and then you run into a story, says, "some
  guy broke into a house, stole a lot of things, and
  while he was in there, he raped an 81 year old woman."
  And I'm thinking to myself, "WHY??? What the fuck kind
  of a social life does this guy have?"
  I want to say, "why did you do that?" "Well she was
  coming on to me. We were dancing and I got horney.
  Hey, she was asking for it, she had on a tight
  bathrobe." I'll say, "Jesus Christ, be a little fucking
  selective next time will you?"
  Now, speaking of rape, do you know what I wonder? I
  wonder is there more rape at the equator or the north
  pole.
  These are the kind of things I think about when I'm
  sitting home alone and the power goes out.
  I wonder is there more rape at the equator or the north
  pole. I mean per capita, I know the populations are
  different.
  Most people think it's the equator, I think it's the
  north pole.
  People think it's the equator because it's hot down
  there, they don't wear a lot of clothing, guys can see
  women's tits, they get horney and there's a lot of
  fucking going on.
  That's exactly why there's less rape at the equator.
  Because there's a lot of fucking going on.
  You can tell there's a lot of fucking at the equator,
  take a look at the population figures.
  Billions of people live near the equator. How many
  Eskimos do we have?
  Thirty? Thirty five? No one's getting laid at the north
  pole, it's too fucking cold.
  Guys say to their wives, "hey tonight honey, huh,
  tonight, huh?"
  "Are you crazy? The wind chill factor is three hundred
  below."
  These guys are deprived. Their horney. Their pent up.
  Every now and then...p-pmm...they bust out, they got to
  rape somebody.
  Now, the biggest problem an Eskimo rapist has, trying
  to get wet leather leggings off a woman who is kicking.
  Did you ever try to get leather pants off of someone
  who doesn't want to take them off?
  You would lose your hard-on in the process.
  Up at the north pole you dick would shrivel up like a
  stack of dimes.
  That's another thing I wonder.
  I wonder, does a rapist have a hard-on when he leaves
  the house in the morning,
  or does he develop it during the day while he's walking
  around looking for somebody.
  These are the kind of thoughts that kept me out of the

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  A Place for My Stuff!show lyrics

  A Place for My Stuff!

  This album has been made possible through grants from the following organizations: The Institute For Yahtzee Theory, The Society for the Preservation of Spanish Rice, The Bank For People on Horseback, The Ancient and Honorable Order of Pricks, The International House of Cream and Sugar, Local 12 of the Ballbuster's Union, The Laser Enema Foundation and The National Society For Total Peckerheads.

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  An Evening With Wally Landoshow lyrics

  An Evening With Wally Lando

  Hot cross buns...It's when a Ku Klux Klansman shoves a burning cross up your ass. Hot water heater. We have a hot water heater. What the hell do you need with that? Hot water doesn't need heating. People say 'apeshit'. "The guy went apeshit! Jesus, he was apeshit, that guy!" Same with bananas. "The guy was bananas! He went bananas!" Bananas is apeshit. Think about it, man. Yes.. Words take care of you.

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  Classic Goldshow lyrics

  Classic Gold

  Sitting in my boxers eating apple jacks
  Welcome to my world, welcome to my world
  Whacking it to late night cinemax
  Welcome to my world
  Jagermeister and Captain Crunch
  Nicotine and the Brady Bunch
  I'm building a boat out of pudding cups
  Welcome to my world
  Welcome to my world
  Non-stop no girl action without you
  This old shirt is starting to stink
  I don't give a damn what people think
  I can take a leak in the kitchen sink
  Welcome to my world
  No you needn't shed a tear
  'Cause I've got waffles and I've got beer
  And I've got Mr. Belvedere
  Welcome to my world
  Welcome to my world
  Non-stop no girl action without you, yeah
  Don't wanna be here, don't wanna be here tonight
  Can't stand another episode of 'Cheers' tonight
  I hate that Woody, I hate Diane
  Frasier and Norm, and that dumbass mail man

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  Parental Advisory: Explicitshow lyrics

  Parental Advisory: Explicit

  Thank you, thank you, welcome to our show. Don't you
  think it's just a little bit strange that Ronald Reagan
  had an operation on his asshole and George Bush had an
  operation on his middle finger. Huh? Huh? What are
  these two men trying to tell us?
  Now I'd like to begin tonight with an opening
  announcement: Because of the FCC, I'm never sure what
  it is I'm allowed to say. So..so, I now have my own
  official policy: This is the language you will not be
  hearing tonight.
  You will not hear me say: bottom line, game plan, role
  model, scenario, or hopefully. I will not kick back,
  mellow out, or be on a roll. I will not go for it and I
  will not check it out; I don't even know what it is.
  And when I leave here I definitely will not boogie. I
  promise not to refer to anyone as a class act, a
  beautiful person or a happy camper. I will also not be
  saying "what a guy." And you will not hear me refer to
  anyone's lifestyle. If you want to know what a moronic
  word "lifestyle" is, all you have to do is realize that
  in a technical sense, Atilla the Hun had an active
  outdoor lifestyle. I will also not be saying any cute
  things like "moi." And I will not use the French adverb
  "tres" to modify any English adjectives. Such as "tres
  awesome," "tres gnarly," "tres fabou," "tres intense,"
  or "tres out-of-sight." I will not say concept when I
  mean idea. I will not say impacted when I mean
  affected. There will be no hands-on state-of-the-art
  networking. We will not maximize, prioritize, or
  finalize...and we definitely will not interface. There
  will also...there will also be no new-age lingo spoken
  here tonight. No support-group jargon from the human
  potential movement. For instance, I will not share
  anything with you. I will not relate to you and you
  will not identify with me. I will give you no input,
  and I will expect no feedback. This will not be a
  learning experience, nor will it be a growth period.
  There'll be no sharing, no caring, no birthing, no
  bonding, no parenting, no nurturing. We will not
  establish a relationship, we will not have any
  meaningful dialogue and we definitely will not spend
  any quality time. We will not be supportive of one
  another, so that we can get in touch with our feelings
  in order to feel good about ourselves. And if you're
  one of those people who needs a little
  space...please...go the fuck outside.

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  Life Is Worth Losingshow lyrics

  Life Is Worth Losing

  "I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital
  and smoke free. A diversified multi-cultural, post-
  modern deconstruction that is politically, anatomically
  and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been up linked and
  downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced, I know
  the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of
  upgrading. I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge,
  state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give
  you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!
  I’m new wave, but I’m old school and my inner child is
  outward bound. I’m a hot-wired, heat seeking, warm-
  hearted cool customer, voice activated and bio-
  degradable. I interface with my database, my database
  is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive
  and from time to time I’m radioactive.
  Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, ridin the
  wave, dodgin the bullet and pushin the envelope. I’m
  on-point, on-task, on-message and off drugs. I’ve got
  no need for coke and speed. I've got no urge to binge
  and purge. I’m in-the-moment, on-the-edge, over-the-top
  and under-the-radar. A high-concept, low-profile,
  medium-range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smart
  bomb. A top-gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties, I
  tell power lies, I take power naps and run victory
  laps. I’m a totally ongoing big-foot, slam-dunk,
  rainmaker with a pro-active outreach. A raging
  workaholic. A working rageaholic. Out of rehab and in
  denial!
  I’ve got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a
  personal assistant and a personal agenda. You can’t
  shut me up. You can’t dumb me down because I’m tireless
  and I’m wireless, I’m an alpha male on beta-blockers.
  I’m a non-believer and an over-achiever, laid-back but
  fashion-forward. Up-front, down-home, low-rent, high-
  maintenance. Super-sized, long-lasting, high-
  definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built-to-last!
  I’m a hands-on, foot-loose, knee-jerk head case pretty
  maturely post-traumatic and I’ve got a love-child that
  sends me hate mail.
  But, I’m feeling, I’m caring, I’m healing, I’m sharing-
  - a supportive, bonding, nurturing primary care-giver.
  My output is down, but my income is up. I took a short
  position on the long bond and my revenue stream has its
  own cash-flow. I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy
  junk bonds and I watch trash sports! I’m gender
  specific, capital intensive, user-friendly and lactose
  intolerant.
  I like rough sex. I like tough love. I use the “F” word
  in my emails and the software on my hard-drive is
  hardcore--no soft porn.
  I bought a microwave at a mini-mall; I bought a mini-
  van at a mega-store. I eat fast-food in the slow lane.
  I’m toll-free, bite-sized, ready-to-wear and I come in
  all sizes. A fully-equipped, factory-authorized,
  hospital-tested, clinically-proven, scientifically-
  formulated medical miracle. I’ve been pre-wash, pre-
  cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-
  packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped,
  vacuum-packed and, I have an unlimited broadband
  capacity.
  I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal. Lean and mean!
  Cocked, locked and ready-to-rock. Rough, tough and hard
  to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride
  with the tide. I’ve got glide in my stride. Drivin and
  movin, sailin and spinin, jiving and groovin, wailin
  and winnin. I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose. I keep the
  pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party
  hearty and lunch time is crunch time. I’m hangin in,
  there ain’t no doubt and I’m hangin tough, over and
  out!"

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  A Modern Manshow lyrics

  A Modern Man

  "I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital
  and smoke free. A diversified multi-cultural, post-
  modern deconstruction that is politically, anatomically
  and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been up linked and
  downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced, I know
  the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of
  upgrading. I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge,
  state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give
  you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!
  I’m new wave, but I’m old school and my inner child is
  outward bound. I’m a hot-wired, heat seeking, warm-
  hearted cool customer, voice activated and bio-
  degradable. I interface with my database, my database
  is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive
  and from time to time I’m radioactive.
  Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, ridin the
  wave, dodgin the bullet and pushin the envelope. I’m
  on-point, on-task, on-message and off drugs. I’ve got
  no need for coke and speed. I've got no urge to binge
  and purge. I’m in-the-moment, on-the-edge, over-the-top
  and under-the-radar. A high-concept, low-profile,
  medium-range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smart
  bomb. A top-gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties, I
  tell power lies, I take power naps and run victory
  laps. I’m a totally ongoing big-foot, slam-dunk,
  rainmaker with a pro-active outreach. A raging
  workaholic. A working rageaholic. Out of rehab and in
  denial!
  I’ve got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a
  personal assistant and a personal agenda. You can’t
  shut me up. You can’t dumb me down because I’m tireless
  and I’m wireless, I’m an alpha male on beta-blockers.
  I’m a non-believer and an over-achiever, laid-back but
  fashion-forward. Up-front, down-home, low-rent, high-
  maintenance. Super-sized, long-lasting, high-
  definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built-to-last!
  I’m a hands-on, foot-loose, knee-jerk head case pretty
  maturely post-traumatic and I’ve got a love-child that
  sends me hate mail.
  But, I’m feeling, I’m caring, I’m healing, I’m sharing-
  - a supportive, bonding, nurturing primary care-giver.
  My output is down, but my income is up. I took a short
  position on the long bond and my revenue stream has its
  own cash-flow. I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy
  junk bonds and I watch trash sports! I’m gender
  specific, capital intensive, user-friendly and lactose
  intolerant.
  I like rough sex. I like tough love. I use the “F” word
  in my emails and the software on my hard-drive is
  hardcore--no soft porn.
  I bought a microwave at a mini-mall; I bought a mini-
  van at a mega-store. I eat fast-food in the slow lane.
  I’m toll-free, bite-sized, ready-to-wear and I come in
  all sizes. A fully-equipped, factory-authorized,
  hospital-tested, clinically-proven, scientifically-
  formulated medical miracle. I’ve been pre-wash, pre-
  cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-
  packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped,
  vacuum-packed and, I have an unlimited broadband
  capacity.
  I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal. Lean and mean!
  Cocked, locked and ready-to-rock. Rough, tough and hard
  to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride
  with the tide. I’ve got glide in my stride. Drivin and
  movin, sailin and spinin, jiving and groovin, wailin
  and winnin. I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose. I keep the
  pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party
  hearty and lunch time is crunch time. I’m hangin in,
  there ain’t no doubt and I’m hangin tough, over and

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  Back In Townshow lyrics

  Back In Town

  Why, why, why, why is it that most of the people who
  are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to
  fuck in the first place, huh? Boy, these conservatives
  are really something, aren't they? They're all in favor
  of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn.
  But once you're born, you're on your own. Pro-life
  conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from
  conception to nine months. After that, they don't want
  to know about you. They don't want to hear from you. No
  nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start,
  no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no
  nothing. If you're preborn, you're fine; if you're
  preschool, you're fucked.
  Conservatives don't give a shit about you until you
  reach "military age". Then they think you are just
  fine. Just what they've been looking for. Conservatives
  want live babies so they can raise them to be dead
  soldiers. Pro-life... pro-life... These people aren't
  pro-life, they're killing doctors! What kind of pro-
  life is that? What, they'll do anything they can to
  save a fetus but if it grows up to be a doctor they
  just might have to kill it?They're not pro-life. You
  know what they are? They're anti-woman. Simple as it
  gets, anti-woman. They don't like them. They don't like
  women.They believe a woman's primary role is to
  function as a brood mare for the state.
  Pro-life... You don't see many of these white anti-
  abortion women volunteering to have any black fetuses
  transplanted into their uteruses, do you? No, you don't
  see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies, do you?
  No, that might be something Christ would do. And, you
  won't see alot of these pro-life people dousing
  themselves in kerosene and lighting themselves on fire.
  You know, moraly committed religious people in South
  Vietnam knew how to stage a goddamn demonstration,
  didn't they?! They knew how to put on a fucking
  protest. Light yourself on FIRE!! C'mon, you moral
  crusaders, let's see a little smoke. To match that fire
  in your belly.
  Here's another question I have: how come when it's us,
  it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an
  omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a
  sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens
  in goodness? Name six ways we're better than
  chickens... See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cuz
  chickens are decent people. You don't see chickens
  hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No, you don't see
  a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up
  his nuts to a car battery, do you? When's the last
  chicken you heard about came home from work and beat
  the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn't happen. 'Cuz
  chickens are decent people.
  But let's get back to this abortion shit. Now, is a
  fetus a human being? This seems to be the central
  question. Well, if a fetus is a human being, how come
  the census doesn't count them? If a fetus is a human
  being, how come when there's a miscarriage they don't
  have a funeral? If a fetus is a human being, how come
  people say "we have two children and one on the way"
  instead of saying "we have three children?" People say
  life begins at conception, I say life began about a
  billion years ago and it's a continuous process.
  Continuous, just keeps rolling along. Rolling, rolling,
  rolling along.
  And say you know something? Listen, you can go back
  further than that. What about the carbon atoms? Hah?
  Human life could not exist without carbon. So is it
  just possible that maybe we shouldn't be burning all
  this coal? Just looking for a little consistency here
  in these anti-abortion arguments. See the really
  hardcore people will tell you life begins at
  fertilization. Fertilization, when the sperm fertilizes
  the egg. Which is usually a few moments after the man
  says "Gee, honey, I was going to pull out but the phone
  rang and it startled me." Fertilization.
  But even after the egg is fertilized, it's still six or
  seven days before it reaches the uterus and pregnancy
  begins, and not every egg makes it that far. Eighty
  percent of a woman's fertilized eggs are rinsed and
  flushed out of her body once a month during those
  delightful few days she has. They wind up on sanitary
  napkins, and yet they are fertilized eggs. So basically
  what these anti-abortion people are telling us is that
  any woman who's had more than more than one period is a
  serial killer! Consistency. Consistency. Hey, hey, if
  they really want to get serious, what about all the
  sperm that are wasted when the state executes a
  condemned man, one of these pro-life guys who's
  watching cums in his pants, huh? Here's a guy standing
  over there with his jockey shorts full of little
  Vinnies and Debbies, and nobody's saying a word to the
  guy. Not every ejaculation deserves a name.
  Now, speaking of consistency, Catholics, which I was
  until I reached the age of reason, Catholics and other
  Christians are against abortions, and they're against
  homosexuals. Well who has less abortions than
  homosexuals?! Leave these fucking people alone, for
  Christ sakes! Here is an entire class of people
  guaranteed never to have an abortion! And the Catholics
  and Christians are just tossing them aside! You'd think
  they'd make natural allies. Go look for consistency in
  religion. And speaking of my friends the Catholics,
  when John Cardinal O'Connor of New York and some of
  these other Cardinals and Bishops have experienced
  their first pregnancies and their first labor pains and
  they've raised a couple of children on minimum wage,
  then I'll be glad to hear what they have to say about
  abortion. I'm sure it'll be interesting. Enlightening,
  too. But, in the meantime what they ought to be doing
  is telling these priests who took a vow of chastity to
  keep their hands off the altar boys! Keep your hands to
  yourself, Father! You know? When Jesus said "Suffer the
  little children come unto me", that's not what he was
  talking about!
  So you know what I tell these anti-abortion people? I
  say "Hey. Hey. If you think a fetus is more important
  that a woman, try getting a fetus to wash the shit
  stains out of your underwear. For no pay and no
  pension." I tell them "Think of an abortion as term
  limits. That's all it is. Bioligical term limits.

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  Abortionshow lyrics

  Abortion

  Why, why, why, why is it that most of the people who
  are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to
  fuck in the first place, huh? Boy, these conservatives
  are really something, aren't they? They're all in favor
  of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn.
  But once you're born, you're on your own. Pro-life
  conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from
  conception to nine months. After that, they don't want
  to know about you. They don't want to hear from you. No
  nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start,
  no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no
  nothing. If you're preborn, you're fine; if you're
  preschool, you're fucked.
  Conservatives don't give a shit about you until you
  reach "military age". Then they think you are just
  fine. Just what they've been looking for. Conservatives
  want live babies so they can raise them to be dead
  soldiers. Pro-life... pro-life... These people aren't
  pro-life, they're killing doctors! What kind of pro-
  life is that? What, they'll do anything they can to
  save a fetus but if it grows up to be a doctor they
  just might have to kill it?They're not pro-life. You
  know what they are? They're anti-woman. Simple as it
  gets, anti-woman. They don't like them. They don't like
  women.They believe a woman's primary role is to
  function as a brood mare for the state.
  Pro-life... You don't see many of these white anti-
  abortion women volunteering to have any black fetuses
  transplanted into their uteruses, do you? No, you don't
  see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies, do you?
  No, that might be something Christ would do. And, you
  won't see alot of these pro-life people dousing
  themselves in kerosene and lighting themselves on fire.
  You know, moraly committed religious people in South
  Vietnam knew how to stage a goddamn demonstration,
  didn't they?! They knew how to put on a fucking
  protest. Light yourself on FIRE!! C'mon, you moral
  crusaders, let's see a little smoke. To match that fire
  in your belly.
  Here's another question I have: how come when it's us,
  it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an
  omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a
  sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens
  in goodness? Name six ways we're better than
  chickens... See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cuz
  chickens are decent people. You don't see chickens
  hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No, you don't see
  a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up
  his nuts to a car battery, do you? When's the last
  chicken you heard about came home from work and beat
  the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn't happen. 'Cuz
  chickens are decent people.
  But let's get back to this abortion shit. Now, is a
  fetus a human being? This seems to be the central
  question. Well, if a fetus is a human being, how come
  the census doesn't count them? If a fetus is a human
  being, how come when there's a miscarriage they don't
  have a funeral? If a fetus is a human being, how come
  people say "we have two children and one on the way"
  instead of saying "we have three children?" People say
  life begins at conception, I say life began about a
  billion years ago and it's a continuous process.
  Continuous, just keeps rolling along. Rolling, rolling,
  rolling along.
  And say you know something? Listen, you can go back
  further than that. What about the carbon atoms? Hah?
  Human life could not exist without carbon. So is it
  just possible that maybe we shouldn't be burning all
  this coal? Just looking for a little consistency here
  in these anti-abortion arguments. See the really
  hardcore people will tell you life begins at
  fertilization. Fertilization, when the sperm fertilizes
  the egg. Which is usually a few moments after the man
  says "Gee, honey, I was going to pull out but the phone
  rang and it startled me." Fertilization.
  But even after the egg is fertilized, it's still six or
  seven days before it reaches the uterus and pregnancy
  begins, and not every egg makes it that far. Eighty
  percent of a woman's fertilized eggs are rinsed and
  flushed out of her body once a month during those
  delightful few days she has. They wind up on sanitary
  napkins, and yet they are fertilized eggs. So basically
  what these anti-abortion people are telling us is that
  any woman who's had more than more than one period is a
  serial killer! Consistency. Consistency. Hey, hey, if
  they really want to get serious, what about all the
  sperm that are wasted when the state executes a
  condemned man, one of these pro-life guys who's
  watching cums in his pants, huh? Here's a guy standing
  over there with his jockey shorts full of little
  Vinnies and Debbies, and nobody's saying a word to the
  guy. Not every ejaculation deserves a name.
  Now, speaking of consistency, Catholics, which I was
  until I reached the age of reason, Catholics and other
  Christians are against abortions, and they're against
  homosexuals. Well who has less abortions than
  homosexuals?! Leave these fucking people alone, for
  Christ sakes! Here is an entire class of people
  guaranteed never to have an abortion! And the Catholics
  and Christians are just tossing them aside! You'd think
  they'd make natural allies. Go look for consistency in
  religion. And speaking of my friends the Catholics,
  when John Cardinal O'Connor of New York and some of
  these other Cardinals and Bishops have experienced
  their first pregnancies and their first labor pains and
  they've raised a couple of children on minimum wage,
  then I'll be glad to hear what they have to say about
  abortion. I'm sure it'll be interesting. Enlightening,
  too. But, in the meantime what they ought to be doing
  is telling these priests who took a vow of chastity to
  keep their hands off the altar boys! Keep your hands to
  yourself, Father! You know? When Jesus said "Suffer the
  little children come unto me", that's not what he was
  talking about!
  So you know what I tell these anti-abortion people? I
  say "Hey. Hey. If you think a fetus is more important
  that a woman, try getting a fetus to wash the shit
  stains out of your underwear. For no pay and no
  pension." I tell them "Think of an abortion as term

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  Y'evershow lyrics

  Y'ever

  Y'ever dial someone on the phone and forget who you're calling?
  Y'ever look at yourself in store windows when you're passing stores? "Hey, man. I look cool in the store window, man." Every now and then you have a storefront that has a forty-five degree angle and you walk into yourself. "Hey, man. I look cool walking into myself, man."
  D'y'ever look at the crowds in old movies and wonder if they're dead yet? I do. They show a close-up of an old guy. "What mo..year is that movie? 1931? That guy's dead. He's dead. Come in here, Phil. There's a dead guy on TV. He wasn't dead then, but he's dead now. Look at that guy there. He is now dead, that guy."
  Y'ever try to throw away an old wastebasket? Ya can't do it, man. People keep bringin' it back to ya. "Hey, your wastebasket was in the garbage! Heh, heh!" You have to really stomp on it to throw it away, y'know? Close the hole so it's not useful anymore.
  Y'ever hear this in your house? "Where's the good scissors? I can't keep anything nice in this house. And I want my good tape measure back." "Uh, the good tape measure, not the one with thirty-eight inches missing in the middle, right?"
  Here's something you hear. Mostly men say this around the house. "Who stole my underwear? Somebody stole my underwear!" "Which ones?" "This week's underwear! Y'know, they came in here and they went right for the underwear. And that's all they took. It was a surgical strike."

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  Shootshow lyrics

  Shoot

  F Am Setiap saat bayang slalu hadir menerpa A# C F Walau pikiranmu slalu dipenuhi kebohongan F Am Namun semua membuatku sangat suka A# C F Karena semua beban berat tak kurasakan
  A# Am Dm Rasa itu selalu ada dalam hatiku G C F Am Membuat gelora membara di setiap langkahku A# B C Dm Genggam erat semangat di setiap nafasku G C Oh kini semua dapat mulai berubah

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  Offensive Languageshow lyrics

  Offensive Language

  Thank you, thank you, welcome to our show. Don't you
  think it's just a little bit strange that Ronald Reagan
  had an operation on his asshole and George Bush had an
  operation on his middle finger. Huh? Huh? What are
  these two men trying to tell us?
  Now I'd like to begin tonight with an opening
  announcement: Because of the FCC, I'm never sure what
  it is I'm allowed to say. So..so, I now have my own
  official policy: This is the language you will not be
  hearing tonight.
  You will not hear me say: bottom line, game plan, role
  model, scenario, or hopefully. I will not kick back,
  mellow out, or be on a roll. I will not go for it and I
  will not check it out; I don't even know what it is.
  And when I leave here I definitely will not boogie. I
  promise not to refer to anyone as a class act, a
  beautiful person or a happy camper. I will also not be
  saying "what a guy." And you will not hear me refer to
  anyone's lifestyle. If you want to know what a moronic
  word "lifestyle" is, all you have to do is realize that
  in a technical sense, Atilla the Hun had an active
  outdoor lifestyle. I will also not be saying any cute
  things like "moi." And I will not use the French adverb
  "tres" to modify any English adjectives. Such as "tres
  awesome," "tres gnarly," "tres fabou," "tres intense,"
  or "tres out-of-sight." I will not say concept when I
  mean idea. I will not say impacted when I mean
  affected. There will be no hands-on state-of-the-art
  networking. We will not maximize, prioritize, or
  finalize...and we definitely will not interface. There
  will also...there will also be no new-age lingo spoken
  here tonight. No support-group jargon from the human
  potential movement. For instance, I will not share
  anything with you. I will not relate to you and you
  will not identify with me. I will give you no input,
  and I will expect no feedback. This will not be a
  learning experience, nor will it be a growth period.
  There'll be no sharing, no caring, no birthing, no
  bonding, no parenting, no nurturing. We will not
  establish a relationship, we will not have any
  meaningful dialogue and we definitely will not spend
  any quality time. We will not be supportive of one
  another, so that we can get in touch with our feelings
  in order to feel good about ourselves. And if you're
  one of those people who needs a little

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  Teenage Masturbationshow lyrics

  Teenage Masturbation

  Me and my friend, Billy Heeney..we're about the same y'know I'm 37. It was about 10 years ago; we were about...27, y'know? And we were hanging around in the bar where we grew up. And so we were talking to each other, y'know..reminiscing and specifically one night at this particular time, we were reminiscing about...teenage masturbation. Plain old adolescent hardcore jacking off, man. We were, y'know, talking about little secrets and shit and everything; we were older now. And, uh, we were talking about who you used to think of. Because we didn't know that we fantasized. We thought we thought about people. Lotta guys thought about movie stars...and a lotta guys thought about girls in the neighborhood. I always did because they seemed more possible, y'know. "Hey, this can happen!" Brings you up a few, doesn't it?
  And while we were talkin'; this was so beautiful. 'Cause it wouldn't be funny if he didn't really say it to me. Heeney says, "Did you ever do Betty Ryan?" I said, "Yeah!" He said, "How was she, man?"
  Well, I believe in, uh, masturbation. I think if God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter. "Hey, I can't reach nuttin', c'mere. Hey, gimme a hand, willya, c'mere, c'mere, c'mere. Hey, ya wanna job? Hahaha." It's how phrases are started.
  Well, I just think if you're gonna masturbate, man...treat yourself right. Don't just drag yourself in there again and use yourself. Bring home flowers. How about a movie and a quiet dinner for one? And be coy with yourself, man. "I don't wanna!" "Aw c'mon honey...for me?" "S'all you ever think about!" One thing I never did was accept money from myself, man. I never bought any, boy! One time I caught myself with another hand. Never let your left hand know. Big trouble.
  There's another part of pre-adolescent sexuality or pre-adolescent "good feelin's". It's just on the threshold of innocence and wonder; it's a little girl getting involved with the banister. It's quite innocent; it's quite nice. It's quite okay, but it's especially built for her. Young males can go up against any flat surface they want. Little girl seeks the banister out; the banister knows. The banister is sensitive to all this. You'll see the girl over there-
  (mother voice:) "What, what're doing to the banister?"
  "Just talking, Mom. Oh, what's the use..Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet the banister."
  (Dad:) "What do you do for a living, son?"
  "I'm a handrail."
  "Think you can support my daughter?"
  "I'll support anyone who'll hold the handrail."

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  Baseball-footballshow lyrics

  Baseball-football

  Baseball and Football..
  Baseball is pastoral Football is technological
  Baseball is played in a park Football is played in a stadium
  Baseball...has no time limit We don't know when it's gonna end Football is rigidly timed And it will end if we have to even go to sudden death
  Baseball has the bunt Football has the punt
  Baseball's object is to go home...I'm going home! In football, we're down in enemy territory Reaching for the end zone
  In football we have the block, the clip, the kick, the blitz, the bomb, The offense, the defense In baseball, we have the sacrifice
  And in baseball, you make an error In football, you pay a penalty

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  Good Sportsshow lyrics

  Good Sports

  Football is weird anyway, man. Football is because we're "Europe, Jr." We came from Europe, man; we're Europe Jr.. We really got it all down. We play the Europe game. What is the Europe game? "Let's take their fucking land!" "You'll marry the queen of Sweden and have a boy. Then we'll merge with Austerania. Then we'll sell out to the Germany and take the Russians back and we'll take this from France and merge with Italy and take that from the other people and the Swiss and merge together and you'll be the green on the map and we'll be the pink and you'll be the blue.
  That's what we did here, man. What is football- our national pastime game now, it is. And what is it except eleven people line up, beat the shit out of the other guys and take their land. It's a ground acquisition game. 'Cept we only take it ten yards at a time. That's what we did to the Indians- work 'em a little bit at a time. "First down in Pennsylvania...Midwest to go."
  Yeah, football is really..uh, well they moved the hash marks in...The guys found 'em and they smoked 'em anyway, ya know what I mean? Well they say there's a lotta drugs in football. They talk about 'ups'; they talk about uppers and speed and they talk about amphetamines. They talk about Dexamyl spansules. They talk about "greenies". That's what the football players call 'em. GREENIES! 'Cause football players are into colors. "LITTLE GREEN! We'll fight for the green and the white! Gimme the green! Never mind the bullshit! Gimme those!" Fuckin' shit goes on in the locker room- "There's a lotta speed on this team, Bill." "I know, I was downstairs before the game." Look out for this shit. Football players understand colors. They check off at the line of scrimmage- "Green, white, 27, green, white, 27- bullshit, I had 13, gimme those!" Y'know, fight over them.

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  For Names' Sakeshow lyrics

  For Names' Sake

  Names are a part of words. Hey, names have a real impact though. Names have emotional value. Especially names that are attached to products or people or really things that are bigger than just stuff. Holey moley. Product names- for instance if Janitor in a Drum made a douche, nobody would buy it, man. It would be like Raid Feminine Hygiene Spray. RAAAAAIIID! They call them feminine hygiene sprays; they're underleg deodorants, y'know. Can never recognize that.
  Well I think lesbians should have a perfume called "Fuck Off Mister!" I'd like to bring out a brand new car and call it the 1975 Piece of Shit! Well the guys who sell them call them that. "here's a nice little Turd Coupe. Don't forget the big Country Shitbox." Call 'em shitboxes, man. "Whose turd is that?" "That's my trade-in, sir!" "Well get it away from the sign, man. They'll think we sell them things here! Here's a nice little shitbox; drive it off the lot. You get the full guarantee. If it breaks in half, you get to keep both halves."
  I would like to have a baseball team and call it the Milwaukee Beer Farts. I would like to have Cream of Botulism soup. How about a company called United Consumer Fuckers? Football team names, man. I'm tired of Panthers and Tigers and Wildcats. I would like to root for the Cincinnati Mice, man. Go, Mice! Let's win for the pink and white! Well you'd have a whole rodent division, man. You'd have the Hawaii Hamsters, the Georgia Gerbils. Guys would be All-Rodent. Ya dig it, y'know. The Oakland Raiders, man. What about the victims? The Virginia Victims. I'd like to see any animal that's alive ought to be eligible to be for a team, man. The Seattle Sperm. The Texas Tumors, man. How about the Kansas City Crabs? "Well, the Crabs were all over the Cowboys today, Bill, uh...yes indeed."
  My name was a pain in the ass. George is a pain in the ass name. It really is. It's a name that you kinda have to grow up separately from. "You be my name, I'll be me. I'll answer the door and they'll ask for you.." It's really a name like..well, for one thing, when you're writing it, it's never finished, man. G-E-O-R-G-E....O-R-G-E, O-R-G-E-O-R-G-E-O-R-G-E. You feel incomplete, y'know.
  Then they start whipping the little poem on you, the little chant. Georgy Porgy. Nobody else in the world has a goddamn song like that. Ned, Don, Arlo, Whitney, Dan, Phil, Gabriel, Stan, Wally, Ernest, Duke, Ned- it's a different Ned. None of them had goddamn songs. Georgy Porgy!
  "Georgy Porgy, pudding and pie"
  First thing you do is lay a symbol on me I don't understand. What am I, a raisin? ...in a pie? Jeezus.
  "Kissed the girls.."
  Yeah, yeah, yeah?
  "..and made them cry"
  "Oh, no!"
  "When the boys came out to play Georgy Porgy...ran away"
  They never mention that biologically, this was sensible that I would live to reproduce. Only that I'd run away. Well, that pissed me off. Next thing I heard, they're saying "Let George do it." They weren't even talking about the real thing- "Let George do it." They're talking about mopping and shit. "Let George do it." "Let George do it." Screw it! You do it!
  George is a dumbass name 'cause..well, it's way down the list of names of getting laid automatically by the sound of your name. Some people have said there is no such list. Course there is. You got three guys, you got Teetho, Chico and George.
  (female voice:) "Who's out there?"
  "Teetho, Chico and George."
  "Tell George to wait."

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  Abortion Part 1show lyrics

  Abortion Part 1

  Why, why, why, why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place, huh? Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren't they? They're all in favor of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn. But once you're born, you're on your own. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. After that, they don't want to know about you. They don't want to hear from you. No nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. If you're preborn, you're fine; if you're preschool, you're fucked.
  Conservatives don't give a shit about you until you reach 'military age'. Then they think you are just fine. Just what they've been looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. Pro-life... pro-life... These people aren't pro-life, they're killing doctors! What kind of pro-life is that? What, they'll do anything they can to save a fetus but if it grows up to be a doctor they just might have to kill it?They're not pro-life. You know what they are? They're anti-woman. Simple as it gets, anti-woman. They don't like them. They don't like women.They believe a woman's primary role is to function as a brood mare for the state.
  Pro-life... You don't see many of these white anti-abortion women volunteering to have any black fetuses transplanted into their uteruses, do you? No, you don't see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies, do you? No, that might be something Christ would do. And, you won't see alot of these pro-life people dousing themselves in kerosene and lighting themselves on fire. You know, moraly committed religious people in South Vietnam knew how to stage a goddamn demonstration, didn't they?! They knew how to put on a fucking protest. Light yourself on FIRE!! C'mon, you moral crusaders, let's see a little smoke. To match that fire in your belly.
  Here's another question I have: how come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens... See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cuz chickens are decent people. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No, you don't see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When's the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn't happen. 'Cuz chickens are decent people.
  But let's get back to this abortion shit. Now, is a fetus a human being? This seems to be the central question. Well, if a fetus is a human being, how come the census doesn't count them? If a fetus is a human being, how come when there's a miscarriage they don't have a funeral? If a fetus is a human being, how come people say 'we have two children and one on the way' instead of saying 'we have three children?' People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process. Continuous, just keeps rolling along. Rolling, rolling, rolling along.
  And say you know something? Listen, you can go back further than that. What about the carbon atoms? Hah? Human life could not exist without carbon. So is it just possible that maybe we shouldn't be burning all this coal? Just looking for a little consistency here in these anti-abortion arguments. See the really hardcore people will tell you life begins at fertilization. Fertilization, when the sperm fertilizes the egg. Which is usually a few moments after the man says 'Gee, honey, I was going to pull out but the phone rang and it startled me.' Fertilization.
  But even after the egg is fertilized, it's still six or seven days before it reaches the uterus and pregnancy begins, and not every egg makes it that far. Eighty percent of a woman's fertilized eggs are rinsed and flushed out of her body once a month during those delightful few days she has. They wind up on sanitary napkins, and yet they are fertilized eggs. So basically what these anti-abortion people are telling us is that any woman who's had more than more than one period is a serial killer! Consistency. Consistency. Hey, hey, if they really want to get serious, what about all the sperm that are wasted when the state executes a condemned man, one of these pro-life guys who's watching cums in his pants, huh? Here's a guy standing over there with his jockey shorts full of little Vinnies and Debbies, and nobody's saying a word to the guy. Not every ejaculation deserves a name.
  Now, speaking of consistency, Catholics, which I was until I reached the age of reason, Catholics and other Christians are against abortions, and they're against homosexuals. Well who has less abortions than homosexuals?! Leave these fucking people alone, for Christ sakes! Here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion! And the Catholics and Christians are just tossing them aside! You'd think they'd make natural allies. Go look for consistency in religion. And speaking of my friends the Catholics, when John Cardinal O'Connor of New York and some of these other Cardinals and Bishops have experienced their first pregnancies and their first labor pains and they've raised a couple of children on minimum wage, then I'll be glad to hear what they have to say about abortion. I'm sure it'll be interesting. Enlightening, too. But, in the meantime what they ought to be doing is telling these priests who took a vow of chastity to keep their hands off the altar boys! Keep your hands to yourself, Father! You know? When Jesus said 'Suffer the little children come unto me', that's not what he was talking about!
  So you know what I tell these anti-abortion people? I say 'Hey. Hey. If you think a fetus is more important that a woman, try getting a fetus to wash the shit stains out of your underwear. For no pay and no pension.' I tell them 'Think of an abortion as term limits. That's all it is. Bioligical term limits.

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  Religionshow lyrics

  Religion

  When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league
  bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time
  champion of false promises and exaggerated claims,
  religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion
  easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think
  about it. Religion has actually convinced people that
  there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches
  everything you do, every minute of every day. And the
  invisible man has a special list of ten things he does
  not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten
  things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke
  and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send
  you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and
  cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!
  But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He
  always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-
  knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!
  Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes,
  and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a

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  Mental Hot Footsshow lyrics

  Mental Hot Foots

  This is something you can do for practical...humor. Do this on television; if you can get into a kind of a side of a television story where there maybe covering a tragedy and a lot of people are going "Hey, Willie!" You know, the kind of thing where you're not the center of attention 'cause they'll edit you out if you do this as the center speaker. You must be on the sideline. And what you do is you don't say this, but you move your lips to it. And what you move your lips to is- "I hope all you stupid fucking lip readers are looking in!"
  Have you ever tried backing out of Jack In The Box, man? It's fuckin' great. But here's what you can do at Jack In The...this is a good, fun thing..or if you have any driving restaurant in your area, you drive into the first Jack In The Box and you say to Jack; you give Jack your order, "HI, JACK! HEY!" and you give Jack your order and you drive up and when the guy opens the window, he says, "$2.52". You pay him and you leave and you go to the nearest Jack In The Box and you (unintelligible) drive up, you give Jack your order; you give him the same order and you drive up and when the guy opens the window, you hand him the bag and say "$2.52!"
  Here's another one. You do this at the department store. Go to the handkerchief counter. There's a lovely lady-o there and you say to her, "Do you have any monogrammed handkerchiefs?" And she says, "Yes, what initial would you like?" And say "Uh, I dunno. Hadn't even thought of it, really, I... I dunno. Give me an 'R' or an 'L'..two 'P's, a 'Q', hey, whatever's not moving. Hey, lemme have it." You make that lady's life. Not just her day. For Thanksgiving generations to come, she'll be sitting there saying, "Did I tell you about the weirdo who came in..." You'll be famous forever, man. You can make a person's life, alright?

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  Capital Punishmentshow lyrics

  Capital Punishment

  The same way we made up the death penalty. We made them
  both up, Sanctity of life and the death penalty. Aren't
  we versatile? And you know, in this country, now there
  are a lot of people who want to expand the death
  penalty to include drug dealers. This is really stupid.
  Drug dealers aren't afraid to die. They're already
  killing each other every day on the streets by the
  hundreds. Drive-bys, gang shootings, they're not afraid
  to die. Death penalty doesn't mean anything unless you
  use it on people who are afraid to die. Like... the
  bankers who launder the drug money. The bankers, who
  launder, the drug money. Forget the dealers, you want
  to slow down that drug traffic, you got to start
  executing a few of these fucking bankers. White, middle
  class Republican bankers.
  And I'm not talking about soft, American executions,
  like lethal injection. I'm talking about fucking
  crucifixion folks! Let's bring back crucifixions. A
  form of capital punishment the Christians and Jews of
  America can really appreciate. And I'd go a little
  further, I'd crucify people upside-down. Like Saint
  Peter, feet up, head down. And naked. I'd have naked
  upside-down crucifixions on TV once a week at halftime
  on the Monday Night Football game! Halftime! Monday
  Night! The Monday Night Crucifixions! You'd have people
  tuning in, don't even care about Football! Wouldn't you
  like to hear Dan Dierdorf explain why the nails have to
  go in at a certain angle? And I'll guarantee you one
  thing. You start execute you start nailing one white
  banker per week to a big wooden cross, you're going to
  see that drug traffic begin to slow down pretty fucking
  quick. Pretty fucking quick- you won't even be able to
  buy drugs in schools and prisons anymore!
  Now, I don't care about capital punishment one way or
  another 'cuz I know it doesn’t do anything. It doesn't
  do anything, 'cept maybe satisfy a kind of Biblical
  need for revenge. You know, if you read The Bible, you
  see that it's full of retribution and revenge. So
  really, capital punishment is kind of a religious
  ritual. It's a purification right. It's a modern
  sacrament. And as long as that's true, I say, let's
  liven it up a little! I honestly believe that if you
  make the death penalty a little more entertaining and
  learn to market it correctly, you just might be able to
  raise enough money to balance the stupid fucking
  budget!! Balance the stupid fucking budget!!
  And don't forget, the polls show the American people
  want capital punishment, and they want a balanced
  budget. And I think even in a fake democracy, people
  ought to get what they want once in a while. Just to
  feed this illusion that they're really in charge. Let's
  use capital punishment the same way we use sports and
  television in this country, to distract people and take
  their minds off how bad they're being fucked by the
  upper one percent. Now, unfortunately, unfortunately
  Monday Night Football doesn't last long enough. What we
  really need is year-round capital punishment on TV
  every night with sponsors. Gotta have sponsors. I'm
  sure as long as we're killing people Marlboro
  Cigarettes and Dow Chemical would be proud to
  participate! Proud to participate! Balance the stupid
  fucking budget!!
  And- and let me say this to you my interesting Judeo-
  Christian friends. Not only- not only do I recommend
  crucifixions, I'd be in favor of bringing back
  beheadings!! Huh? Beheadings on TV, slow-motion,
  instant replay? And maybe you could let the heads roll
  down a little hill. And fall into one of five numbered
  holes. Let the people at home gamble on which hole the
  head is going to fall into. And you do it in a stadium
  so the mob can gamble on it too. Raise a little more
  money. And if you want to expand the violence a little
  longer to sell a few more commercials, instead of using
  an axe, you do the beheadings with a hand saw! Hey,
  don't bail out on me now, God damnit! The blood is
  already on our hands, all we're talking about is a
  matter of degree. You want something a little more
  delicate, we'll do the beheadings with an olive fork.
  That would be nice. And it would take a good God damn
  long time. There's a lot of good things we could be
  doing.
  When's the last time we burned someone at the stake?
  It's been too long! Here's another form of capital
  punishment, comes out of a nice, rich, religious
  tradition. Burning people at the stake. Sponsor:
  Bridgeford Charcoal. And you put it on TV on Sunday
  mornings. The Sunday Morning Evangelical Send Us An
  Offering Praise Jesus Human Bonfire! You don't think
  that would get big ratings? In this sick fucking
  country?! Shit you'd have people skipping church to
  watch this stuff! And you take the money they send in
  and the offerings and you use it to balance the budget.
  What about boiling people in oil? Boy those were the
  days weren't they? You get the oil going real good, you
  know, a nice high rolling boil. And then slowly, at the
  end of a rope, you lower the perpetrator headfirst into
  the boiling oil. Huh? You talk about fun shit! And just
  to encourage citizen participation, you let the mob in
  the stadium control the speed of the rope. Good, clean,
  wholesome family entertainment. The kids'll love it.
  The kids'll love it. And at the same time they're
  enjoying themselves, we're teaching then a nice,
  Christian moral lesson. Boiling people in oil. Sponsor:
  Crisco! And maybe, maybe instead of boiling all these
  guys every now and then you could french-fry a couple
  of them, you know. French-fried felons. Dip a guy in
  egg batter, just for a goof, you know? Kind of a
  Tempura thing, huh? Jeffrey Dahmer never thought of
  this shit did he?! Jeffrey Dahmer, eat you heart out!!
  Which is an interesting thought, in and of itself!
  Alright, enough nostalgia, what about some modern forms
  of capital punishment. How about we throw a guy off the
  World Trade Center and whoever he lands on wins the
  Publisher's Clearing House? OK something a little more
  sophisticated, you dip a guy in brown gravy and lock
  him in a small room with a wolverine who's high on
  angel dust. There's one guy's not going to be fucking
  with to many kids at the bus stop for a while. Here's
  something really nice you could do. You shoot a guy out
  of a high-speed catapult... right into a brick wall!!
  Trouble is, it would be over too quick. No good for TV,
  you know? You'd have to do a whole bunch of guys right
  in a row. Rapid-fire capital punishment. Fifteen
  catapults, while you're shooting off one, you're
  loading up the others. 'Course every now and then you
  would have to stop to clean off the wall.
  Cleanliness... right next to Godliness. Alright hi-
  tech. I sense some of you are waiting for hi-tech. I
  got it. You take a small, tactical nuclear weapon...
  and stick it up a guy's ass! A thermo-nuclear
  suppository! Preparation H-Bomb! You talk about
  fallout, huh? Whoa! Or, you take the bomb and you stick
  it just inside that little hole on the end of a guy's
  dick. Yeah, a bomb, in a dick! When it goes off, the
  guy wouldn't know whether he was cumming or going!! Ah!
  Get outta here!! I gotcha! Hey... listen... I got a lot

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  Seventh Announcementsshow lyrics

  Seventh Announcements

  You've been listening to the erotic daydreams of an infant worm being sucked backwards through a French milking machine
  Remember, hire the handicapped- but don't let them take your rectal temperature.

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  Welcome To My Jobshow lyrics

  Welcome To My Job

  Sitting in my boxers eating apple jacks
  Welcome to my world, welcome to my world
  Whacking it to late night cinemax
  Welcome to my world
  Jagermeister and Captain Crunch
  Nicotine and the Brady Bunch
  I'm building a boat out of pudding cups
  Welcome to my world
  Welcome to my world
  Non-stop no girl action without you
  This old shirt is starting to stink
  I don't give a damn what people think
  I can take a leak in the kitchen sink
  Welcome to my world
  No you needn't shed a tear
  'Cause I've got waffles and I've got beer
  And I've got Mr. Belvedere
  Welcome to my world
  Welcome to my world
  Non-stop no girl action without you, yeah
  Don't wanna be here, don't wanna be here tonight
  Can't stand another episode of 'Cheers' tonight
  I hate that Woody, I hate Diane

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  Sixth Announcementsshow lyrics

  Sixth Announcements

  (Carlin:)
  Hello, I'm Bud from Bud's Medical Center. Come on out to Bud's. We're having a special this weekend on head injuries. Any sort of head injury from a black eye to a whole caved-in skull is just $1.50 this weekend at Bud's. We'll also give a free estimate to anyone who's bleeding. If you're sick or injured or diseased or hurt or maimed or disfigured or imperfect in any way... or you just flat don't feel good, come on out to Bud's Medical Center.
  Bud's! Where all the sick people go!
  Here are some notes of community interest. The Beverly Hills Chamber of Poor Taste is sponsoring a hunger banquet, "Hors d'oeuvres for Bangladesh" this weekend.
  On Sunday evening, The National Association for the Advancement of Checkered People presents a musical revue, "Hats Off to the Stillborn" at the New Jersey State Hospital for the Recently All Right.
  Here is a reminder from the American Medical Association.
  Don't pour sulfuric acid on your genitals!
  (female voice again:)

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  Fifth Announcementsshow lyrics

  Fifth Announcements

  We're Consolidated International and we might be looking for you. Are you one of those people who show up, punch in, pitch in, put out, clean up, punch out, head home, throw up, turn in, sack out and shut up? That's what we need: people we can keep in line. We may have a place for you. Consolidated International. People making things so people have things to do things to other people with. And thinking up more things to do with the stuff we have.

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  Rice Krispiesshow lyrics

  Rice Krispies

  Got into an argument this morning with my Rice Krispies. I distinctly heard- "Snap, Crackle, Fuck Him". I don't know which one of them said it, y'know. I was reaching for the artificial sweetener at the time and was not looking directly into the bowl. But I told them, I said, "Well, you can all just sit right there in the milk. Far as I'm concerned you can sit in the milk until I find out which one of you said that." A little mass punishment for my breakfast food. The idea is to turn them against one another. "Just sit in the milk!"
  Of course, dopey me.big punishment! That's what they do anyway. That's their job. Sitting in the milk. You've seen those Rice Krispies floating along. Little beige blisters of air... riding proudly in the milk. But you can't sink 'em. They oughta use 'em in life jackets; that's where they need 'em. You can't sink Rice Krispies. They float for a long long time. Rice Krispies would float for a week if you leave the dishes out... I do. Rice Krispies would float until you've gotta knock 'em off the side of the bowl. (chipping sounds) "What're you doing?" "Washing the dishes!" (chipping sounds)

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  Darth Vader Uses Ebonicsshow lyrics

  Darth Vader Uses Ebonics

  inform the comander that lord vader shuttle has arrived
  vader this is a unexpected pleasure we are honored by your presence
  yo g abby the c why yo' hommies ain't workin' they booties off
  i assure you lord vader my men are working as fast as they can
  we be seeing if they get this ride going with six foot seven a black starie dog
  i tell you our station will be operation as we planned
  well the man don't think so and he be cruising down here to check out this ride
  the emperor is coming here?
  yeah and he gon' put cap up yo' ass
  we should top our efforts

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  Filthy Wordsshow lyrics

  Filthy Words

  Aruba-du, ruba-tu, ruba-tu. I was thinking about the
  curse words and the swear words, the cuss words and the
  words that you can't say, that you're not supposed to
  say all the time, ['cause] words or people into words
  want to hear your words. Some guys like to record your
  words and sell them back to you if they can, (laughter)
  listen in on the telephone, write down what words you
  say. A guy who used to be in Washington knew that his
  phone was tapped, used to answer, Fuck Hoover, yes, go
  ahead. (laughter) Okay, I was thinking one night about
  the words you couldn't say on the public, ah, airwaves,
  um, the ones you definitely wouldn't say, ever,
  [']cause I heard a lady say bitch one night on
  television, and it was cool like she was talking about,
  you know, ah, well, the bitch is the first one to
  notice that in the litter Johnie right (murmur) Right.
  And, uh, bastard you can say, and hell and damn so I
  have to figure out which ones you couldn't and ever and
  it came down to seven but the list is open to
  amendment, and in fact, has been changed, uh, by now,
  ha, a lot of people pointed things out to me, and I
  noticed some myself. The original seven words were,
  shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and
  tits. Those are the ones that will curve your spine,
  grow hair on your hands and (laughter) maybe, even
  bring us, God help us, peace without honor (laughter)
  um, and a bourbon. (laughter) And now the first thing
  that we noticed was that word fuck was really repeated
  in there because the word motherfucker is a compound
  word and it's another form of the word fuck. (laughter)
  You want to be a purist it doesn't really -- it can't
  be on the list of basic words. Also, cocksucker is a
  compound word and neither half of that is really dirty.
  The word -- the half sucker that's merely suggestive
  (laughter) and the word cock is a half-way dirty word,
  50% dirty -- dirty half the time, depending on what you
  mean by it. (laughter) Uh, remember when you first
  heard it, like in 6th grade, you used to giggle. And
  the cock crowed three times, heh (laughter) the cock --
  three times. It's in the Bible, cock in the Bible.
  (laughter) And the first time you heard about a cock-
  fight, remember -- What? Huh? naw. It ain't that, are
  you stupid? man. (laughter, clapping) It's chickens,
  you know, (laughter) Then you have the four letter
  words from the old Anglo-Saxon fame. Uh, shit and fuck.
  The word shit, uh, is an interesting kind of word in
  that the middle class has never really accepted it and
  approved it. They use it like, crazy but it's not
  really okay. It's still a rude, dirty, old kind of
  gushy word. (laughter) They don't like that, but they
  say it, like, they say it like, a lady now in a middle-
  class home, you'll hear most of the time she says it as
  an expletive, you know, it's out of her mouth before
  she knows. She says, Oh shit oh shit, (laughter) oh
  shit. If she drops something, Oh, the shit hurt the
  broccoli. Shit. Thank you. (footsteps fading away)
  (papers ruffling)
  Read it! (from audience)
  Shit! (laughter) I won the Grammy, man, for the comedy
  album. Isn't that groovy? (clapping, whistling)
  (murmur) That's true. Thank you. Thank you man. Yeah.
  (murmur) (continuous clapping) Thank you man. Thank
  you. Thank you very much, man. Thank, no, (end of
  continuous clapping) for that and for the Grammy, man,
  [']cause (laughter) that's based on people liking it
  man, yeh, that's ah, that's okay man. (laughter) Let's
  let that go, man. I got my Grammy. I can let my hair
  hang down now, shit. (laughter) Ha! So! Now the word
  shit is okay for the man. At work you can say it like
  crazy. Mostly figuratively, Get that shit out of here,
  will ya? I don't want to see that shit anymore. I can't
  cut that shit, buddy. I've had that shit up to here. I
  think you're full of shit myself. (laughter) He don't
  know shit from Shinola. (laughter) you know that?
  (laughter) Always wondered how the Shinola people feel
  about that (laughter) Hi, I'm the new man from Shinola.
  (laughter) Hi, how are ya? Nice to see ya. (laughter)
  How are ya? (laughter) Boy, I don't know whether to
  shit or wind my watch. (laughter) Guess, I'll shit on
  my watch. (laughter) Oh, the shit is going to hit de
  fan. (laughter) Built like a brick shit-house.
  (laughter) Up, he's up shit's creek. (laughter) He's
  had it. (laughter) He hit me, I'm sorry. (laughter) Hot
  shit, holy shit, tough shit, eat shit, (laughter) shit-
  eating grin. Uh, whoever thought of that was ill.
  (murmur laughter) He had a shit-eating grin! He had a
  what? (laughter) Shit on a stick. (laughter) Shit in a
  handbag. I always like that. He ain't worth shit in a
  handbag. (laughter) Shitty. He acted real shitty.
  (laughter) You know what I mean? (laughter) I got the
  money back, but a real shitty attitude. Heh, he had a
  shit-fit. (laughter) Wow! Shit-fit. Whew! Glad I wasn't
  there. (murmur, laughter) All the animals -- Bull shit,
  horse shit, cow shit, rat shit, bat shit. (laughter)
  First time I heard bat shit, I really came apart. A guy
  in Oklahoma, Boggs, said it, man. Aw! Bat shit.
  (laughter) Vera reminded me of that last night, ah
  (murmur). Snake shit, slicker than owl shit. (laughter)
  Get your shit together. Shit or get off the pot.
  (laughter) I got a shit-load full of them. (laughter) I
  got a shit-pot full, all right. Shit-head, shit-heel,
  shit in your heart, shit for brains, (laughter) shit-
  face, heh (laughter) I always try to think how that
  could have originated; the first guy that said that.
  Somebody got drunk and fell in some shit, you know.
  (laughter) Hey, I'm shit-face. (laughter) Shitface,
  today. (laughter) Anyway, enough of that shit.
  (laughter) The big one, the word fuck that's the one
  that hangs them up the most. [']Cause in a lot of cases
  that's the very act that hangs them up the most. So,
  it's natural that the word would, uh, have the same
  effect. It's a great word, fuck, nice word, easy word,
  cute word, kind of. Easy word to say. One syllable,
  short u. (laughter) Fuck. (Murmur) You know, it's easy.
  Starts with a nice soft sound fuh ends with a kuh.
  Right? (laughter) A little something for everyone. Fuck
  (laughter) Good word. Kind of a proud word, too. Who
  are you? I am FUCK. (laughter) FUCK OF THE MOUNTAIN.
  (laughter) Tune in again next week to FUCK OF THE
  MOUNTAIN. (laughter) It's an interesting word too,
  [']cause it's got a double kind of a life --
  personality -- dual, you know, whatever the right
  phrase is. It leads a double life, the word fuck. First
  of all, it means, sometimes, most of the time, fuck.
  What does it mean? It means to make love. Right? We're
  going to make love, yeh, we're going to fuck, yeh,
  we're going to fuck, yeh, we're going to make love.
  (laughter) we're really going to fuck, yeah, we're
  going to make love. Right? And it also means the
  beginning of life, it's the act that begins life, so
  there's the word hanging around with words like love,
  and life, and yet on the other hand, it's also a word
  that we really use to hurt each other with, man. It's a
  heavy. It's one that you have toward the end of the
  argument. (laughter) Right? (laughter) You finally
  can't make out. Oh, fuck you man. I said, fuck you.
  (laughter, murmur) Stupid fuck. (laughter) Fuck you and
  everybody that looks like you. (laughter) man. It would
  be nice to change the movies that we already have and
  substitute the word fuck for the word kill, wherever we
  could, and some of those movie cliches would change a
  little bit. Madfuckers still on the loose. Stop me
  before I fuck again. Fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck
  the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump. Easy on the clutch
  Bill, you'll fuck that engine again. (laughter) The
  other shit one was, I don't give a shit. Like it's
  worth something, you know? (laughter) I don't give a
  shit. Hey, well, I don't take no shit, (laughter) you
  know what I mean? You know why I don't take no shit?
  (laughter) [']Cause I don't give a shit. (laughter) If
  I give a shit, I would have to pack shit. (laughter)
  But I don't pack no shit cause I don't give a shit.
  (laughter) You wouldn't shit me, would you? (laughter)
  That's a joke when you're a kid with a worm looking out
  the bird's ass. You wouldn't shit me, would you?
  (laughter) It's an eight-year-old joke but a good one.
  (laughter) The additions to the list. I found three
  more words that had to be put on the list of words you
  could never say on television, and they were fart, turd
  and twat, those three. (laughter) Fart, we talked
  about, it's harmless It's like tits, it's a cutie word,
  no problem. Turd, you can't say but who wants to, you
  know? (laughter) The subject never comes up on the
  panel so I'm not worried about that one. Now the word
  twat is an interesting word. Twat! Yeh, right in the
  twat. (laughter) Twat is an interesting word because
  it's the only one I know of, the only slang word
  applying to the, a part of the sexual anatomy that
  doesn't have another meaning to it. Like, ah, snatch,
  box and pussy all have other meanings, man. Even in a
  Walt Disney movie, you can say, We're going to snatch
  that pussy and put him in a box and bring him on the
  airplane. (murmur, laughter) Everybody loves it. The
  twat stands alone, man, as it should. And two-way
  words. Ah, ass is okay providing you're riding into
  town on a religious feast day. (laughter) You can't
  say, up your ass. (laughter) You can say, stuff it!
  (murmur) There are certain things you can say its weird
  but you can just come so close. Before I cut, I, uh,
  want to, ah, thank you for listening to my words, man,
  fellow, uh space travelers. Thank you man for tonight

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  Guys Named Toddshow lyrics

  Guys Named Todd

  And i'm getting really sick of guys named Todd.
  It's a goofy fucking name OK.Hi whats your name?
  Todd.I'm Todd. And this is Blake, and Blaire and Blaine
  and Brent. Where all these goofy fucking boys names
  comin' from. Taylor, Tyler, Jordan, Flynn. These are not
  real names. You wanna hear a real name? Eddie. Eddie is a
  real name, what happened to Eddie he was hear a minute
  ago. Jackie and Johnny and Tommy and Bill. Danny, Larry,
  Johnny, and Phil. What happened? Todd.
  And Cody, and Dillon, and Cameron, and Tucker.
  Hi Tucker, i'm Todd. Hi Todd, i'm Tucker. Fuck Tucker,
  Tucker sucks. And fuck Tuckers friend Kyle. Thats another
  soft name for a boy. Kyle.
  Soft names make soft people. I'll bet you ten times out
  of ten, Nicky, Vinnie, and Tony would beat the shit out

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  Interview With Jesusshow lyrics

  Interview With Jesus

  I: Ladies and gentlemen, we are privileged to have with us a man known all over the world as the prince of peace- Jesus Christ. How are you, Jesus?
  JC: Fine, thanks and let me say it's great to be back.
  I: Can you tell us, after all this time, why you came back?
  JC: Mostly nostalgia.
  I: Well, could you tell us, Jesus, a little about the first time you were here?
  JC: Well, there's not much to tell. I think everybody knows the story by now. I was born on Christmas.
  I: Yes.
  JC: And, uh, actually, that always bothered me, because, uh, that way, I only got one present. Y'know, if I was born a couple months earlier, I woulda had two presents. But look, I'm not complainin'; it's only material.
  I: Were you really born in a stable?
  JC: Nahhh. I was born in a hospital. Bethlehem Jewish Hospital, but the hospital was located in a stable. That's how the story got started.
  I: And is it true that there was no room at the inn?
  JC: Oh, no. They had room, it's just that we didn't have reservations. My father, Joseph- God bless him. He was a simple man. He didn't travel much. He forgot to make reservations.
  I: There's a story that there were three wise men.
  JC: Well, there were three kings who showed up. Uh, I don't know how wise they were. They didn't look wise. They said they followed a star. That don't sound wise to me.
  I: Didn't they bring gifts?
  JC: Yes. Gold, frankincense and I believe myrrh, which I never did find out what that was. You wouldn't happen to know what myrrh is for, do you?
  I: Well, I believe it's a reddish, brown bitter gum resin.
  JC: Oh, great! Great! Just what I need; a gum resin! What am I going to do with a gum resin? I'd rather have the money. That way, I could go out and buy something I need. You know, something I wouldn't normally buy for myself.
  I: What would that be?
  JC: Oh, I don't know... a bathing suit. I never had a bathing suit. Maybe a Devo hat. A bicycle. I really coulda used a bicycle. You realize all the walkin' I did? I musta crossed Canaan six, eight times; up and down, north and south. Walkin' and talkin'. Doin' miracles, tellin' stories.
  I: Tell us about the miracles. How many miracles did you perform?
  JC: A total of 107 miracles... not countin' the loaves and the fishes.
  I: Why don't you count the loaves and the fishes?
  JC: Well, technically, that one wasn't a miracle.
  I: It wasn't?!
  JC: No, turns out a lotta people were puttin' 'em back. Didn't like 'em. Actually not all those miracles were pure miracles anyway.
  I: (surprised) Wh, what do you mean? What were they if they weren't miracles?!
  JC: Well, some of them were parlor tricks, optical illusions, mass hypnosis, we had hallucinations, even acupressure. That was how I cured most of the blind guys- acupressure.
  I: So, not all of the New Testament is true.
  JC: No. Some of that Gospel stuff never happened at all. It was just made up. Luke and Mark used a lotta drugs. See, Luke was a physician and he had access to drugs. Matthew and John were okay, but Luke and Mark would write anything.
  I: What about raising Lazarus from the dead?
  JC: First of all, he wasn't dead. He was hung over. I told people that.
  I: But in the Bible, you said he was dead.
  JC: Uh, uh. I said he looked dead. I said, "Hey! He looks dead!" You see, Lazarus was a very heavy sleeper. Plus, the day before, we had been to a wedding feast and he had put away a lotta wine.
  I: Ah, was that the Wedding Feast of Cana where you changed the water into wine?
  JC: Uh, I don't know. I, uh, we went to an awful lotta wedding feasts in those days.
  I: But did you really ever turn water into wine?
  JC: Not that I know of. Uh, one time, I did turn apple juice into milk, but I really don't remember the water and wine thing.
  I: All right, speaking of water, let me ask you about another miracle- walking on the water. I mean, did that really happen?
  JC: Oh, yeah, that was one that really happened. Y'see, the problem was, I could do it; the other guys couldn't do it. They were jealous. Peter got mad at me, so he got these shoes made. Special big shoes that if ya start out walkin' real fast, you can float on the water for awhile. Then of course, after a few yards, la la la looms, he goes right down into the water; he sinks like a rock. That's why I call him Peter. "Thou art Peter and upon this rock, I shall build my Church."
  I: Well, that brings up the Apostles. Uh, what can you tell us about the Apostles?
  JC: Well, they were a good bunch of guys, you know. They smelled a little like bait, but oh, they was a good bunch of guys. Thirteen of 'em we had.
  I: Thirteen? The Bible says there were only twelve.
  JC: Well that was according to St. Luke and I told ya about Luke. Actually, we had thirteen apostles. We had Peter, James, John, Andrew, Phillip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Thomas, James... that's a different James, Thaddeus... lessee, how many is that?
  I: That's ten.
  JC: Okay, uh, Simon, Judas and Red.
  I: Red?
  JC: Yeah. We call him 'Red the Apostle.'
  I: Red the Apostle?
  JC: Uh-hmm.
  I: He doesn't appear in the Bible.
  JC: Nahh. He kept pretty much to himself. He never came to any of the miracles. He was a little strange. He thought the Red Sea was named after him.
  I: What about Judas.
  JC: Hey. Don't get me started on Judas...
  I: Kay. Well, what about the other apostles. Uh, say for instance, Thomas. Was he really a doubter?
  JC: This guy, Thomas, you couldn't tell him nothin', you know? He was always askin' me for my ID. Soon as I see him- "Got any ID?" To this day, he doesn't believe I'm God.
  I: Are you God?
  JC: Well, partly. You know that. I'm a member of the Trinity.
  I: Yes, in fact you've written a book about the Trinity, haven't you.
  JC: That's right. It's called, "Three's a Crowd."
  I: "Three's a Crowd."
  JC: Um-hmm.
  I: As I understand it, it's nothing more than a thinly veiled attack on the Holy Ghost.
  JC: Listen, it's not an attack. You wanna know what it is? I don't get along with the Holy Ghost, all right? So I leave him alone. That's it. What he does is his business.
  I: Well, why? What's the reason?
  JC: Well, first of all, ya never know who he's gonna be. Every day he shows up, he's somethin' different. One day he comes in the meetin', he's a dove, another day he's a tongue of fire, always foolin' around. (annoyed) Listen, I don't bother with the guy. I don't wanna know about him. I don't see him. I don't talk to him.
  I: Well, let me change the subject. Is there really a place called Hell?
  JC: Oh, yeahhh, there's a Hell, sure. There's also a Heck. It's not as severe, but we got Heck and Hell.
  I: What about Purgatory?
  JC: No. Don't know nothin' about no Purgatory. We got Heaven, Hell, Heck and Limbo.
  I: What is Limbo like?
  JC: I don't know. No one's allowed in there. If anyone was in there, it wouldn't be Limbo. Then it would be a place.
  I: Getting back to your previous visit, Jesus, what can you tell us about The Last Supper?
  JC: Well, first of all, if I had known I was gonna be crucified, I woulda had a bigger meal. You never wanna be crucified on a empty stomach.
  I: The Crucifixion must have been terrible.
  JC: It was awful; I gotta tellya. Unless you've gone through it yourself, you could never know how painful it was.and tiring. It was very, very tiring and embarrassing. I think, more than anything, it was embarrassing. Y'know right in front of everybody to be crucified. But I dont know, I guess it redeemed a lotta people.
  I: Were you scared?
  JC: Yeah. Near the end, I thought it was gonna rain. I was afraid I might get hit by lightnin'. But... all in all, I would say when I was here, I had a good time.
  I: What do you think about Christianity?
  JC: Well, I'm a little embarrassed by it. Uh, if I had to do it over again, I think I would start one of them Eastern religions like Buddha did. Now Buddha was smart. That's why he's laughin'.
  I: You wouldn't want to be a Christian?
  JC: No. I would never want to be a member of any group whose symbol is a man nailed onto two pieces of wood. Especially if it's me! Buddha's laughin'. I'm on the cross!
  I: I have a few more questions; do you mind?
  JC: Hey, be my guest. How often do I get here?
  I: Are there really angels?
  JC: Well, not as many as we used to have. Years ago, we had millions of 'em. Today, ya can't get the young people to join. Y'know, it got too dangerous with radar and heat seeking missiles.
  I: What about guardian angels?
  JC: Well, we still have guardian angels, but now it's one angel for every six people. Years ago, everybody had his own angel.
  I: Do you really answer prayers?
  JC: No. First of all, most of 'em don't even get through. I mean, ya got sunspots; ya got radio interference. Years ago we answered them all... but years ago, there were less people... and people prayed for something simple then- to light a fire, to catch a yak; somethin' like that. But today, ya got people prayin' for hockey teams, people prayin' for longer fingernails. We just can't keep up with it.
  I: Well, I think we're just about outta time. I certainly want to thank you for visiting with us.
  JC: Hey, no sweat.
  I: Do you have any last thoughts or words of advice?
  JC: What- You mean how to remove perspiration stains from a garment; somethin' like that?
  I: No, I mean spiritual advice.
  JC; Well, I don't know how spiritual it is, but I'd say one thing is don't give your money to the church. They should be givin' their money to you.
  I: Well, thank you Jesus.and good night.

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  The Hair Pieceshow lyrics

  The Hair Piece

  George Carlin
  FM And AM
  The Hair Piece
  One of the things that occurred when I began to uh, y'know, feel some changes happening to me... naturally, I was kinda still entertaining in gin joints, y'know- I realize they sell gin here, but it's really not the same as middle-class nightclubs where I spent like a lotta years and it was weird to start having hair and start having a beard and to come out, y'know, to all these folks- lotta Shriners and hookers and salesmen.which are the same as hookers, really, if you get right down to it. Uh, it was just strange. I had to find a way to break the ice. I told them a poem. I told them about my hair.
  I'm aware some stare at my hair
  In fact, some really despair of my hair
  But I don't care
  'cause they're not aware
  nor are they debonair
  In fact, they're just square
  They see hair down to there
  say BEWARE and go off on a tear
  I say "No fair"
  A head that's bare is really nowhere
  So be like a bear
  Be fair with your hair
  Show it you care
  Wear it to there, or to there,
  or to THERE if you dare
  My wife bought some hair at a fair
  to use as a spare
  Did I care? Au contraire!
  Spare hair is fair
  In fact, hair can be rare
  Fred Astaire got no hair
  nor does a chair
  or a chocolate eclair
  And where is the hair on a pear?
  Nowhere, mon frere
  Now that I've shared this affair of the hair
  I think I'll repair to my lair
  and use Nair, do you care?
  Here's my beard
  Ain't it weird?
  Don't be sceered
  's just a beard

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  Third Announcementsshow lyrics

  Third Announcements

  Hey, why doncha join the service? Join the fuckin' service! Join up and die! How do you expect to keep the country free if you won't die? I'm dead. I died in World War II! I'm fuckin' dead! Can you say that? Come on. Join up and die!
  Hello. I'm a famous person... and I'm for sale. Do have a product or a business that needs promotion? Do you sell something worthless? Something no one will buy because it's poorly built and doesn't work properly? Likely to come apart at high speeds? Perhaps with toxic side effects? Well, I'm here to help you. I'll take your product and I'll sell it to them because they trust me. That's right; they trust me because... I'm a famous person.

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  Some People Are Stupidshow lyrics

  Some People Are Stupid

  Well I know, some people don't like you to talk about
  those things. I know that. Some people don't like you
  to mention certain things. Some people don't want you
  to say this. Some people don't want you to say that.
  Some people think if you mention some things they might
  happen...some people are really fucking stupid!
  Did you ever notice that? How many really stupid people
  you run into during the day? Goddam there's a lot of
  stupid bastards walking around. Carry a little pad and
  pencil with you. You'll wind up with thirty or forty
  names by the end of the day. Look at it this way: Think
  of how stupid the average person is and then realize
  that half of them are stupider than that. And it
  doesn't take you very long to spot one of them does it?
  Take you about eight seconds. You'll be listening to
  some guy...you say..."this guy is fucking stupid!"
  Then...then there are some people, they're not
  stupid...they're full of shit. Huh? That doesn't take
  very long to spot either, does it? Take you about the
  same amount of time. You'll be listening to some
  guy..and saying, "well, he's fairly
  intelligent......ahht, he's full of shit!" Then there
  are some people, their not stupid, their not full of
  shit...their fucking nuts! Dan Quayle is all three! All
  three! Stupid, full of shit, and fucking nuts! And
  where did he get that wife of his? Have you taken a
  good look at that Marilyn Quayle? Where did he get her,
  at a Halloween party or something? She looks like
  Prince Charles for Christ sake! Let me ask you
  something, does he actually have to fuck that women!
  Huh? God help him, I wouldn't fuck her with a stolen
  dick! That's my political humor. People like it when

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  Advertising Lullabyshow lyrics

  Advertising Lullaby

  Quality, value, style, service, selection, convenience
  Economy, savings, performance, experience, hospitality
  Low rates, friendly service, name brands, easy terms
  Affordable prices, money-back guarantee.
  Free installation, free admission, free appraisal, free alterations,
  Free delivery, free estimates, free home trial, and free parking.
  No cash? No problem! No kidding! No fuss, no muss,
  No risk, no obligation, no red tape, no down payment,
  No entry fee, no hidden charges, no purchase necessary,
  No one will call on you, no payments or interest till September.
  Limited time only, though, so act now, order today, send no money,
  Offer good while supplies last, two to a customer, each item sold separately,
  Batteries not included, mileage may vary, all sales are final,
  Allow six weeks for delivery, some items not available,
  Some assembly required, some restrictions may apply.
  So come on in for a free demonstration and a free consultation
  with our friendly, professional staff. Our experienced and
  knowledgeable sales representatives will help you make a
  selection that's just right for you and just right for your budget.
  And say, don't forget to pick up your free gift: a classic deluxe
  custom designer luxury prestige high-quality premium select
  gourmet pocket pencil sharpener. Yours for the asking,
  no purchase necessary. It's our way of saying thank you.
  And if you act now, we'll include an extra added free complimentary
  bonus gift at no cost to you: a classic deluxe custom designer
  luxury prestige high-quality premium select gourmet combination
  key ring, magnifying glass, and garden hose, in a genuine
  imitation leather-style carrying case with authentic vinyl trim.
  Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary. It's our way of
  saying thank you.
  Actually, it's our way of saying 'Bend over just a little farther
  so we can stick this big advertising dick up your ass a little bit
  deeper, a little bit deeper, a little bit DEEPER, you miserable

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  America The Beautifulshow lyrics

  America The Beautiful

  Insecticided grains
  For strip-mined mountains, majesty
  Above the asphalt plains.
  America, America,
  Man sheds his waste on thee
  And hides the pines
  With billboard signs
  >From sea to oily sea!

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  Hair Poemshow lyrics

  Hair Poem

  I'm aware some stare at my hair.
  In fact, to be fair,
  Some really despair of my hair.
  But I don't care,
  Cause they're not aware,
  Nor are they devonaire.
  In fact, they're just square.
  They see hair down to there,
  Say, "Beware" and go off on a tear!
  I say, "No fair!"
  A head that's bare is really nowhere.
  So be like a bear, be fair with your hair!
  Show it you care.
  Wear it to there.
  Or to there.
  Or to there, if you dare!
  My wife bought some hair at a fair, to use as a spare.
  Did I care?
  Au contraire!
  Spare hair is fair!
  In fact, hair can be rare.
  Fred Astair got no hair,
  Nor does a chair,
  Nor nor a chocolate eclair,
  And where is the hair on a pear?
  Nowhere, mon frere!
  So now that I've shared this affair of the hair,
  I'm going to repair to my lair and use Nair, do you care?
  (Beard Poem)
  Here's my beard.
  Ain't it wierd?
  Don't be sceered,