Plot
The Southeast and Southwest Mafia chapters are fighting for control and attempting to assassinate each others' bosses. Meanwhile, their lawyer and a local gypsy have very different plans. What follows are a a series of assassination attempts, magic spells gone awry and a pair of extra large seamed nylons.
Voice of God: Let there be light!::Hex: ...damn!
Twinkle Toes: We'll break down the door...::Hair Lip: Plumbers don't break down doors!
Plot
After yet another failed relationship, 30-something Duncan (Brendan Patricks) decides to quiz his last five girlfriends to find out what went wrong in order to figure out how to find love. With advice from bizarre sources and intense flights of fancy, finally Duncan realises that love is a battleground where only the fittest can survive.
Keywords: based-on-novel, number-in-title
[first lines]::Duncan: [writing] Dear Wendy, Olive, Rhona, Natalie and Gemma. I hope you're happy. If that sounds sarcastic, it was meant to. What you've collectively done to me... [gets a new pen]::Duncan: What you've collectively done to me... [gets another pen]::Duncan: What you've collectively done to me is quite an achievement. Four years ago, I was happy to believe in a very simple concept. You might have heard of it, it's called LOVE. But thanks to the five of you, I now know that love is a lie, a myth specifically concocted to bring me as much pain and misery as possible. Wendy: were you ever really that interested in me, or was I merely a holiday while you and him went through a dull patch? Olive: almost everything I told you was a lie. Sorry about that. Rhona: who'd you think I was? If I was that wrong for you, then you really should have paid more attention at the start. Natalie: okay, so I know I've had enough of this one, but did you really want ME, or just someone? And Gemma: what should I say to you? I suppose I should forgive you. This is a suicide note, after all. Okay, I forgive you. But I don't want that to make you feel any better... I'm sure you'll all find someone. You might even think you're in love, but don't kid yourselves: we're all just playing out scenes we've seen in films, the only difference is that our stories have depressing endings. When real people walk towards a sunset, no music swells, no credits roll - they just get to the end of the beach, have a row, and walk back to the car. And that's depressing! In fact after reading this, you might feel your only option is to join me! And that's the one thing I wouldn't blame you for. Bye then: Duncan.
Duncan: [about his fading relationship with Wendy] Maybe I was too clingy... or too laid back... or maybe I never really stood any bloody chance in the first place!
Duncan: [about Olive] Did she like any of the place we'd been together? Did she like ME? I had no idea what she wanted!
Duncan: As my next girlfriend's influence spread across my flat, one thing was clear: Rhona and I were very different. And to begin with, I rather liked the exotic additions she made to my life. But at some point, we would have to deal with the fact that our tastes were not the same.
[Making out with Natalie, Duncan sees her toy elephant Guppy staring at her]::Duncan: WHAT?::Guppy: [talking] What's wrong?::Duncan: Well, what d'you mean?::Guppy: Ah, you're not into it. What's up?::Duncan: I can't help thinking...::Guppy: Don't THINK, just get on with it!::Duncan: I'm trying to, but all sorts of stuff's spinning around my head!::Guppy: Look, mate, take my advice: you just got to switch THIS off!::[points at his head]::Guppy: D'you think I would be able to do this if I thought about it? Huh? Do you, huh?::[walks on air, then thinks about what he just did and falls with a holler]::Duncan: I know, but it's all a bit...::Guppy: [climbing on the bed] A bit quick, yeah! Yeah, a little bit too easy?::Duncan: I suppose.::Guppy: Then this was so easy for you, and EVERY OTHER...::Duncan: I don't want to think about THAT, but I can't help it!::Guppy: Well then, you've got to stop!::Duncan: What?::Guppy: Yeah, yeah, just stop immediately! Tell her that you respect her far too much to continue having sex with her!::Duncan: Really?::Guppy: COURSE NOT, YOU MUPPET! Just enjoy it!::Duncan: Okay. Thanks, Guppy.::Guppy: Don't mention it.
[Duncan takes Gemma to Paris]::Duncan: I had planned the perfect weekend: a first-class trip to Paris; our own chauffeur on standby for three days; an executive suite in a five-star hotel with comforts and amenities you couldn't possibly imagine, it even had a balcony with stunning views across the city. I pulled every string I could to get a window seat at a three-star Michelin restaurant. I somehow managed to get two tickets to her favourite opera. I even bought a twilight trip down the Seine with music, champagne, the works!... And you know what? The minute we arrived I knew it was going to be a fucking disaster.
[Gemma grieves for Duncan after hearing he committed suicide]::Duncan: All right, so it didn't end like that... [the film rewinds]
Duncan: I'd actually only taken twenty amphetamine Vitamin C tablets, which was lucky because it suddenly dawned upon me how unsatisfying suicide is. All I wanted to do was make a point, but why make such a scene if you're not around to witness the result? If you don't get to see the reactions of those you try to affect, commit suicide and you're too dead to get pleasure from it!
Duncan: I threw myself into work. How refreshing to think about just ME for once, about what I wanted. No longer did I have to worry about whether she'd like this film, or what time she wanted to be wherever in the morning. In fact, who needed this love thing anyway? Hadn't it just brought me anguish and pain? After all, I'm not the first one to try and make sense of love. There's been centuries of analysts, preachers, gurus and writers who've tried, and did they find a solution, an answer to the mystery of most peoples' emotional lives?
[last lines]::Duncan: So one day I decided, I wasn't going to play this game anymore. I didn't understand the rules, and the injuries were just too painful. [while watching TV with his new stereo system, Duncan is interrupted by his downstairs neighbor]::Duncan: And then I met Angela.
Plot
This film tells the tale of the Harper Affair, in which young Jimmy Harper finds his life of promise turn into a life of debauchery and murder thanks to the new drug menace marijuana. Along the way he receives help from his girlfriend Mary and Jesus himself, but always finds himself in the arms of the Reefer Man and the rest of the denizens of the Reefer Den.
Keywords: 1930s, 420, animated-sequence, anti-establishment, based-on-play, boyfriend-girlfriend-relationship, campy, cannabis, carelessness, classroom
The feel-good event of the year!
Sally DeBains: So, how tall are you, Jimmy?::Jimmy: Five feet, nine inches.::Sally DeBains: Let's forget the five feet and concentrate on the nine inches.
Jack Stone: Quit squawkin'. You got more static than the radio.
Mary Lane: I think I've been shot! [collapses, Sally screams]::Sally DeBains: She fell down!
Mary Lane: Say, is this a fraternity sweater? Is Jimmy hanging out with college boys?::Ralph Wiley: Why, yes, yes, he is. We at Phi Beta Cannabis were so taken with Jimmy, we decided to pledge him... early... while he's still in high school... to avoid the rush.::Mary Lane: Well, that's the bee's knees! Wait 'til that Suzy Mayberry hears about this!::Ralph Wiley: Let's celebrate... with a smoke!::Mary Lane: Hold on! This isn't that reefer I've read about, is it?::Ralph Wiley: Oh, no, of course not. This is a special cigarette. All the rage with the college girls... in Paris.::Mary Lane: Paris?::Ralph Wiley: Oh, yes.::Mary Lane: Well, if I'm going to be dating a fraternity man...::[Ralph shoves a reefer stick in her mouth]
FDR: A little orphan girl once told me that the sun would come out tomorrow. Her adopted father was a powerful billionaire so I suppressed the urge to laugh in her face, but now, by gum, I think she may have been on to something!
[last lines]::Parents: It's time for parents to take a stand / For the preservation of this great land / 'Till the things that scare us are burned or banned, / Or smashed to smithereens! / And once the reefer has been destroyed, / We'll start on Darwin and Sigmund Freud, / And sex depicted on celluloid, / And communists and queens!::Lecturer: When danger's near, exploit their fear!::Parents: The end will justify the means!
[Ralph, hallucinating, opens a closet door and sees Satan sodomizing Mary]::Mary Lane: Remember me, Ralph? I've been sent to hell! A pubescent edition of Jezebel. It hurts a lot to bend! But, at least, I've made a friend.::Ralph Wiley: Shut up!::Satan: You murdered her, Ralph!::Mary Lane: Murdered me!::Ralph Wiley: Murdered you!::Jimmy: Murdered me!::Ralph Wiley: Murdered them!::Jack Stone: [to Mae] What's eating him?::Ralph Wiley: Jack! I saw Satan! And the kid. And Satan! And the girl. And *Satan*!
Jimmy: Mary Jane, oh Mary Jane. You conquered me like Charlemagne.
Sally DeBains: Yes, I'm waiting for your business in this carnal carnivale. Take a one-way ticket to the Bacchanal. So come on Jimmy, come on give me, *reefer love*!
Jimmy Harper: There's blood on my hands, and mud on my name. My id threw a party and everyone came. My innocence ravished, my virtue devoured, I can't count the strangers with whom I have showered!
Plot
A tongue-in-cheek take on the film industry as if it existed in Elizabethan times. Director William Shakespeare shoots "Hamlet" in one reel, seemingly in one continuous take. When he screens this silly but accurate 15-minute version to a studio boss, he's told he needs to trim it down to make it more commercial. He begrudgingly does so, with surprising results...from the audience and himself.
Keywords: based-on-play, character-name-in-title, independent-film, number-in-title, shakespeare's-hamlet, time-in-title
Plot
Detective Philip Lovecraft lives in Los Angeles in the 1950s when an ambitious Senator is holding hearings, on Magic. Magic is the new influence in Tinsel Town. Lovecraft is unique in that he is the only one who refuses to use magic in his work. Shortly after he is hired, he finds his client, Kim Hudson, accused of the murder of her husband, a film executive. Philip uses the tallents of a local witch, Kropotkin, to explain what is happening only to see her accused of the murder and sentenced to be burnt at the stake. Reminiscent of Roger Rabbit, without the toons.
Keywords: 1950s, black-magic, h.p.-lovecraft, infidelity, miniaturization, murder, private-detective, sequel, shrinking, witchcraft
It's a new kind of evil, as old as time.
Kim Hudson: What about our marriage?::Gottlieb: That wasn't a marriage, that was a license to shop.
Senator Larson Crockett: Hypolyta Lavoe Kropotkin, are you now or have you ever been a witch?
Senator Crockett: I'll tell ya what yer gonna get, yer gonna get double-digit inflation, and a designated hitter, and wars in countries you've never even heard of! Now that's what I call a world without magic!
Senator Crockett: Let me tell you a little something about 'The People' Phil; you lock any ten of them in a room, they may not elect a leader, but I guarantee they'll pick someone to hate.
Plot
A series of 19 musical and comedy "vaudeville" sketches presented in the form of a live broadcast hosted by Tommy Handley (as himself). There are two "running gags" which connect the sketches. In one, an actor wants to perform Shakespeare, but he is continually denied air-time. The other gag has an inventor trying to view the broadcast on television. Four of the sketches are in color (in shades of yellow and brown only).
Keywords: blackface, revue, television, vaudeville
William Shakespeare (baptised 26 April 1564; died 23 April 1616) was an English poet and playwright, widely regarded as the greatest writer in the English language and the world's pre-eminent dramatist. He is often called England's national poet and the "Bard of Avon". His surviving works, including some collaborations, consist of about 38 plays, 154 sonnets, two long narrative poems, and several other poems. His plays have been translated into every major living language and are performed more often than those of any other playwright.
Shakespeare was born and brought up in Stratford-upon-Avon. At the age of 18, he married Anne Hathaway, with whom he had three children: Susanna, and twins Hamnet and Judith. Between 1585 and 1592, he began a successful career in London as an actor, writer, and part owner of a playing company called the Lord Chamberlain's Men, later known as the King's Men. He appears to have retired to Stratford around 1613 at age 49, where he died three years later. Few records of Shakespeare's private life survive, and there has been considerable speculation about such matters as his physical appearance, sexuality, religious beliefs, and whether the works attributed to him were written by others.
I saw you there, so beautiful
You stopped and stared, so magical
Then you asked me for my name
And we took an uptown train
Before you leave, get up to go
I wanna know
Do you like Shakespeare, Jeff Buckely
Watching movies on Sunday?
Do you like kissing when it's raining
Making faces in the station?
Do you like, I need to know
What do you like, before you go?
You walk me home, so wonderful
It starts to snow, it's incredible
Now we're walking up my street
And you slowly turn to me
You're three inches from my lips
But before we do this
Do you like Shakespeare, Jeff Buckely
Watching movies on Sunday?
Do you like kissing when it's raining
Making faces in the station?
Do you like, I need to know
What do you like, before you go? Oh, oh
Show me the place where you come from
And the places you dream of
I wanna know everything you are
But before we get that far
What do you like? I need to know
What do you like before you go?
Do you like Shakespeare, Jeff Buckely
Watching movies on Sunday?
Do you like kissing when it's raining
Making faces in the station?
'Cause I like Shakespeare, Jeff Buckely
Watching movies on Sunday
Kissing when it's raining
Making faces in the station
What do you like?
Nigger listen, when I spit on the riddem, I kill em,
Raw like the Ball of Brazilians,
You don't war, cor the kids brilliant,
Blood, I'm the heir to the throne,
Not William, Akala, smart as King Arthur,
Darker, harder, faster,
Rasclaat, I kick the illa shit,
It's like Shakespeare, with a nigger twist,
Lyricist, I'm the best on the road,
Nitro flow, oh-so-cold, I'm a blow yo,
Keep the hoes, I only want dough homes,
Nobody close, I'm alone in my own zone,
No no love for the po-po,
Loco when I rock mics solo,
I hope that you know, where you don't go thoe,
Want it with Bolo? Must be coco,
It's William back from the dead,
But I rap bout gats and I'm black instead,
It's Shakespeare, reincarnated,
Except I spit flows and strip hoes naked,
No fakin'-test my blood bruv,
It's William, back as a tug cause,
So real the shit I kick now,
Plus I don't rite, I recite my shit now,
Straight from the top, expert timin'
On top of that now, the whole things rhymin'
No more tights, now jeans saggin'
If I say so myself, I'm much more handsome,
Don't ever compare me to rappers,
I'm so quick-witted that I split em like fractions,
My shit, I tell em like this...
It's like Shakespeare with a nigger twist...
[Chorus:]
I get you pumped up,
Feelin' like you drunk drunk,
When my beats bump bump,
Lyrics hit like skunk blunts blood, now
All the shit I kick, so crazy,
There ain't no ifs and maybe's,
Spit poetry so shady,
For lords on road and my hood ladies,
Pumped up, feelin' like you drunk drunk,
When my beats bump bump,
Lyrics hit like skunk blunts blood, now
All the shit I kick, so crazy,
There ain't no ifs and maybe's,
Spit poetry so shady,
For lords on road and my hood ladies.
I'm similar to William, but a little different,
I do it for kids that's illiterate, not Elizabeth,
Stuck on the road, faces screwed up,
Feel like the world spat em out, and they
Chewed up,
It's a matrix, I try and explain it,
But on a real thoe still ready blaze em,
No contradiction just face it,
They so enslaved, they are worse than a agent,
I grace stages, sharp as razors,
Don't get cut cause, keep ya distance,
No artillery, tryna' be militant,
Ya'll dudes killin' me, think that ya killin' it,
It's embarrassing watchin you babblin,
Keep spittin ya darts, mine is javelins,
The hood Tiger Woods too milly,
Number 1 for so long, it's just getting' silly,
Shit kinda like Bruce with da knuckles,
Like the first time ya ever saw Ali shuffle,
You don't trouble, left layin in a puddle,
Bruv you are havin a bubble,
I'm a whole different kettle of fish,
Thou shall not fuck with dis,
My shit, I tell em like this...
It's like Shakespeare with a nigger tiwst.
[Chorus]
To be fair, no MC close to the man,
Little just come yout's jumpin out of they pram,
Everybody badman, behind a mic stand,
It's not creative, one bag of hype, and
If you buss a ting, where's the mash?
Move so much food? Where's the cats?
These dudes ain't real, they just rap,
I don't spit what I don't know,
Just the facts,
No talks of rocks I ain't sold,
Shots I ain't blown,
My business ridiculous,
Sick with it, quick witted,
Companies head to head an liquidate it,
Welcome to illa state, meet ya fate mate,
Talk truth but we don't play games,
Move sick, look sample techno,
Never pull a ting, if it ain't gonna let go,
That's that, rap track,
Clap ya like a black gat,
Back chat, crack back,
I'm the nigger, that's that,
The rest of these kids is irrelevant,
Don't compare me to him,
That's just beggin' it,
I'm on my own shit,
Dicks ain't spit,
It's no democracy, dictatorship,
So dicks hate my shit,
I'm sick, raise ya spliff,
I'm swift, blaze em quick,
My hits, major shit,
I flip phrases quick,
My sick razor shit,
Give thick grazes quick,
And chicks say he's cris,
It's not a rumour,
That kid Akala,
No not "Ack-a-la", beg ya pardon,
Don't get it twisted,
Your on the sideline like a mistress,
I'm the whizzkid, with the sick shit,
My shit, I tell em like this,