It's happening!
Who'll be next?
Plot
A young couple, Amanda (Natalie Ryan) and Dave (Nick Afanasiev), witness a home invasion on the first day of their summer vacation. Instead of calling the police, Dave decides to secretly follow the burglar and teach him a lesson himself. He starts out by scratching his car and egging his house to, "balance out the universe," as he puts it. When he starts getting obsessed with this revenge scheme, Amanda disapproves, but Dave tells her that he has just one more idea on how to teach him a lesson. His plan turns into something a lot more than what he bargained for, and he learns the hard way, that it is not his job to punish anyone.
Keywords: apostrophe-in-title, burglar, contraction-in-title, directed-by-star, murder, produced-by-actor, produced-by-director, punctuation-in-title, revenge, teenager
Two wrongs don't make a right... Neither do two, or three, or four.
If they are not your children, it is not your duty to punish them.
VW Van Guy: [fixing their shot out tire] Hey check this out, I think we ran over a bullet.
Satan's Ride on the Highway To Hell! All Aboard For Mayhem!!
Title Card: This is the story about how Satan changed into a Chicago tour bus guide and rose to earth in order to get the souls of people taking the tour that day because he knew the bus was going to crash and everyone was going to die and all the while he, along with everyone on the tour, were being pursued by Jesus Christ. [beat] This is a true story.
Narrator: The time is ten after six. I'm the narrator. This is Dave. [the word "Dave" appears under Dave] Let's go to hell.
Jim: Good morning, Satan. Want a donut?::Satan: Shut the fuck up.
Satan: Nobody cancels a job without notifying me. We wouldn't get where we were today, Jimmy, if we laid down every time God swang his cock around.
Satan: I, for the sake of this evil affair, shall transform! Shall transform! I, for the sake of this evil affair, shall transform! Shall transform!::Title Card: Satan is going to transform.
Bud: Hey Sam.::Sam: Hey, what's going on, Bud?::Bud: You remember last night when I said nothing ever happens around here and we never have any fun?::Sam: Yeah, I just thought you were drunk.::Bud: Well, I decided - I was - well, today I woke up and I decided we're going to the big city.::Sam: Nah, I don't like the big cities.::Bud: Come on, Sam, why not?::Sam: Bad stuff happens in big cities.::Bud: Aw, quit being a baby. What can happen?::Sam: Well, like maybe you book us on a bus tour, except the real bus tour wouldn't be there, so we'd have to go on a smaller bus with a lot of weird couples that we don't know except there'd be a girl I kinda like, then maybe the real bus driver will be there and he's a really fat guy but the bus tour guy, he's sick, so Satan takes over and he tries to get our souls throughout our trip, and he's pointing out weird things, except I've never been to the big city so I don't know if what he's telling us is true or maybe it's not true, and then you're gonna lose all your money, and then we're just gonna come on home, and the next day I'll be out here just digging holes in the dirt *again*.::Bud: Pssht, right. You're such a downer. I'm gonna go get the car.::Sam: All right.
Mamie: Oh God. Sometimes I wish I would just wake up dead.::Lana: Don't say that. We're going to have fun. Aren't we, Bridget?::Mamie: I don't remember the last time I had fun. Probably 18 years ago, before you were born.::Bridget: [who is a man in drag] Yeah we're gonna have fun, of course we're gonna have fun, it's gonna be a great time, and then after we're done seeing the sights, then we'll go out, we'll have a little dinner or something, and afterwards we'll go to a nice club, have a couple of drinks, do some dancing, maybe we'll meet some young guys, you know? That'd be nice, wouldn't it, huh? Some young hunks, some young beefcake, huh? Maybe we'll go home with one of 'em for the night, you know, maybe? Why not, I feel lucky tonight. It's been a long time since I been with a man, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, this could be my night. Yeah, after all, look at me, I'm a fabulous looking broad, huh? Yeah, with my beautiful hair and my pearls and my fantastic figure, huh? Yeah, it'll be nice.::Lana: You're so beautiful and glamorous, Bridget. You're so glamorous. You never have any trouble meeting men.::Mamie: I had a man once - Frank Gherkin. Oh god, he did me wrong. He took my love. [walks out of the room]::Bridget: Don't pay any attention to your old lady. She's just bitter, all right? You and I, we're gonna pick up a couple of guys on this trip if it kills us, huh?::Lana: I wouldn't mind meeting a nice boy.::Mamie: [walks back into the room] Lana, are you bothering Bridget again?::Bridget: She's bugging the shit out of me!::Lana: No I'm not, I was just...::Mamie: How many times have I told you not to bother my friends? How many times must I tell you to stop bothering Bridget? How many mornings must I awaken to the searing pain of the reality of your existence?::Lana: I'm your daughter. That was rather mean.::Mamie: You suffocate any breeze of joy that could possibly waft through the shuttered windows of my soul.::Lana: Hey, that remark was pretty harsh.::Mamie: Your birth is the life sentence I receive for the crime of loving the wrong man. You are my warden, my jailor, my executioner.::Lana: Oh, now that one hurts me a great deal.::Bridget: What are we arguing about, girls? Let's go to the big city and have some fun, all right, eh?
Mrs. Zodsworth: Oh... our beautiful home.::Mr. Zodsworth: I remember when all you could see was barley, and giant lizards roamed the earth.::Mrs. Zodsworth: That wasn't here. That was somewhere else.::Mr. Zodsworth: [checks his watch] Let's go to the city.
Narrator: Now we know the people on the bus, and it's up to Satan to get their souls. Y'know, Dave, Indians lived here before the White Man slaughtered them. Now all that's left is the totem pole.::Narrator: [thinks to himself] Hmm, I wonder if it would fit up my ass.::Title Card: Ass
Lana: Mom, wouldn't it be great if I met someone and fell in love on this trip?::Mamie: I think it would be wonderful if on this trip you fell into a hole... a very deep hole.::Lana: That was the kind of remark that I'm gonna have to work to get over.::Bridget: Hey, girls, we're in Chicago, I'm beautiful, fuggadaboutit.
Kevin Delaney Kline (born October 24, 1947) is an American stage and film actor. An Academy Award winner for his supporting role in the comedy hit Fish Called Wanda, AA Fish Called Wanda, he also won two Tony Awards and was nominated for five Golden Globe Awards, two BAFTA Awards and an Emmy Award.
Kline was born in St. Louis, Missouri, the son of Peggy (née Kirk) and Robert Joseph Kline. His father was a classical music lover and an amateur opera singer who owned and operated The Record Bar, a record store in St. Louis that opened in the early '40s, and sold toys during the '60s and '70s; his father's family also owned Kline's Inc., a department store chain. Kline has described his mother as the "dramatic theatrical character in our family." Kline's father was Jewish, from a family that had emigrated from Germany; Kline's mother was of Irish descent, the daughter of an emigrant from County Louth. Kline was raised in his mother's Catholic religion (his father had become an agnostic). He has three siblings, Alex, Christopher, and Kate.
Dave'd called me up yesterday
Everything he loved had moved away
I felt despair come crawling through that phone
I know the feeling but don't get me wrong
Dave I've always thought that you were touched by fate
It's never easy but why throw it away?
Maybe you were both chasing this
Flirt with death but never kiss her,
Dave
Oh, I keep dreaming, I'll set the scene,
So what's a fiver? Why so mean?
The golden moment, the blinding gleam
It's all over, that's too cheap.
I see you bleed,
I know you feel the squeeze,
But please,
Believe,
The view from on your knees
Deceives
Keep going.
Dave,
I know you're empty, I know you're numb
And you can't function, I know that you're drunk
But Dave I've always felt that you were touched by fate
The thing that gets me is the stupid waste.
So pick it up and don't put it down,
A newer story in another town
I see you bleed
I know you feel the squeeze
Time heals
Believe,
Then it will seem you dreamed these things,
Dave save our humanity
'Cause only you can see
The tale of our history
Dave save our humanity
'Cause only you can see
The tale of our history
So out of control
When truth is told
Nobody knows
Dave save our humanity
'Cause only you can see
The tale of our history
Dave save our humanity
Are we the enemy
Spreading insanity
So out of control
When truth is told
Nobody knows
Dave
(Guitar solo)
See us from the skies above
Man was born only to love
Right our wrongs to God above
All are one not them or us
Teach a lesson hard to learn
Precious gifts cannot be earned
In our hearts the seed of trust
Torn away by greed and lust
Let the children go where the wild winds blow
Leave our seeds to grow brave new world to know
Only love will sow only peace can grow
Let the children go save the children
Let the children go where the wild winds blow
Leave our seeds to grow brave new world to know
Only love will sow only peace can grow
Let the children go save the children
Save the children
Save the children
he counted up his fears one day and they weren¡¯t worth a dime
he cried a lot of tears for her ¡®cause he wasn¡¯t worth her time
and his life felt like a marathon - man, how long can this last?
he slowed down for a little drink and didn¡¯t see the winner pass
last Saturday morning we missed the warning
the pain got boring - his soul went soaring
she used to be too young to understand and now she¡¯s just too old
can¡¯t shut the door on her regrets - she¡¯ll never be that cold
and i could have been a better friend - i can see where i went wrong
i hid beneath my selfishness like i hide behind this song
last Saturday morning we missed the warning
nothing lasts forever ¡®cept maybe jesus christ
and nothing could be sadder than a child taking his own life
i heard the minister mumble, i heard the falling rain
and i felt my mother¡¯s hand slip into mine
and none of us have ever been the same
I know the memories, will never keep you here,
Slowly you might drift away.
And when the time come, to take you off my hand,
Slowly you might fade away.
The way in which you roll down the river,
Way in which you float down the river.
Pain is not the way to deliver.
Youuuuuu oh youuuuuu
I know the memories, will never keep him there,
Slowly you might drift away,
And when the time will come, to take you off my hand,
Slowly you might fade away.
The way in which you roll down the river,
Way in which you float down the river.
Dave
Hello guys my name is Dave,
my parents think i must be saved,
I drink, I stink and I never think,
I'm real good punk I go my own way,
hemp's my love everyday,
yes I like it to smoke shit
and I feel
...stoned...
I like to drink and drive,
I'm living for today...
My hair is green, my teeth are black,
I've got a tatoe on my back,
I'm the hottest man on the world,
I'll get problems with my wife,
I have problems when I drive
but I'm the hottest man of the world
adn if feel
...stoned...
I donot care 'bout the color of my hair