Plot
Tom Green suddenly begins seeing something of a new groove: visions that just won't go away. Now over 40, these visions inspire him revive his failed musical career, boosting his failing sense of significance. However, there is a problem; his hesitant friends just don't see it, and when they finally give it a go, Tom's lack of leadership leads to their act quickly falling apart. Frustrated, Tom can't move on because the visions won't stop. Heading to the hills to find solace, several close calls with death and a miraculous mountain top experience, open Tom to an old groove he never trusted before, leading him to the meaning of his visions. Tom's friends desire nothing to do with his latest groove though, and Tom's new struggle becomes putting it all aside to keep from alienating them. Tom discovers his real significance comes through servant-hood, and slowly, one by one, his friends open to see things differently ultimately bringing Tom's vision back to him.
Keywords: faith, famliy, fantasies, music-gig, nature
Losing oneself is the best way to be found.
Plot
Inspired by events in her own life, Tiffany Barrett tells the story of Lucy Brawley, a young woman lost in the world of modern Christianity. On the day before her wedding, afraid that her sexuality, independence, dreams and thoughts may very well lead her to hell, Lucy struggles to quiet the voices in her head that continually ask her if there might be someplace better.
Plot
A desperate band of Militia men attempts a daylight bank robbery in the sleepy semi-rural City of Norco, California, and leads the local Police on the longest, most violent running gun battle in Law Enforcement history. Based on the true events.
Keywords: bank-robbery, based-on-true-story
The explosive true story!
Plot
An old woman in Frederick, Maryland, during the U.S. Civil War, displays her American flag in defiance of the armies of Confederate general Thomas J. "Stonewall" Jackson. Based on the folk tale that grew from the poem by John Greenleaf Whittier.
Keywords: american-civil-war, based-on-play, based-on-poem, character-name-in-title
Michael Thomas "Tom" Green (born July 30, 1971) is a Canadian actor, rapper, writer, comedian, talk show host and media personality. Best known for his shock humour brand of comedy, Green found mainstream prominence via his MTV television show The Tom Green Show. Green was also in the public eye for his short-lived marriage to actress Drew Barrymore, and for his roles in such films as Freddy Got Fingered, Road Trip, Stealing Harvard and Charlie's Angels.
In June 2003, Green had the chance to guest-host the Late Show with David Letterman which led to him hosting his own late-night talk show on MTV entitled The New Tom Green Show. From 2006-2011, he hosted his internet talk show Tom Green's House Tonight from his living room and, as of January 2010, has started performing stand-up comedy.
Green was born in Pembroke, Ontario, the son of Mary Jane, a communications consultant, and Richard Green, a computer systems analyst and retired army captain. He grew up on a Canadian Army base near Pembroke, Ontario and later lived in Gloucester, Ontario (now part of the City of Ottawa) where he attended Colonel By Secondary School. Green studied television broadcasting at Algonquin College and graduated in 1994.
Tiny little salmon swimming in a stream,
Tiny little salmon chasing that impossible dream.
The minor bird says (Tom Green Bird Sound x3).
The Chimpanzee says (Tom Green Chimpanzee Sound x13).
The friendly owl says (Tom Green Owl Sound x3).
But the salmon could only say (Tom Green jibberish).
Hmm....ha....hmmm..ha...hmm...ha...I like this....
I like gasoline don't like electric when I go fast you need fuel injection,
I know people talk about ozone protection, you think I'll give a damn when I can't get an erection?
Like wearing fur, like eating meat, like eating fish, fuck the coral reef, fuck the police I like getting paid, l like shoplifting, like getting laid.
Like stealing liquor from my neighbour's cabinet. I like getting drunk, smokin' cigarettes.
I like freakin' out causin' a scene, I like acting out, like being Green. I like not knowin' where I'm supposed to be.
I like sneakin' in to avoid the fee, I like being young, fuck being old, I like writing rhymes and acting like an asshole.
[Chorus:]
I-I like I-Iike I like to write rhymes and act like an asshole.
I-I like I-Iike I like to write rhymes and act like an asshole.
I-I like I-Iike I like to write rhymes and act like an asshole.
I-I like I-Iike I like to write rhymes and act like an asshole.
Check it
(I like to write rhymes and act like an asshole)
Alright, I go to fat burger, then I come back, sometimes I rhyme slow but never rhyme whack.
And Jeremy Klein likes bitches and saki, like to keep drinkin' til I feel crappy.
Like skateboarding even though I'm old, I like to write rhymes and act like an asshole.
I like hiding in the plants at the shopping mall, I like making a deal like Monty Hall.
I like taking a walk with my dogs, I like checking the bitches, I mean the dogs.
I like the Flintstones livin' in Bedrock, I went to Portland, I saw a Saquatch. Lookin' at my goochie, it's a fake watch.
Yo Kobe, she shoulda said stop. I like being dope and not a sucker, I like George Bush blowin' up them motherfuckers.
I like bottle rockets, like fire crackers, like chicken fingers, like Big Mackers, I like runnin' my mouth and talk a lot shit, and if you don't like it my bum is on ya lips
I like sellin' out and takin' all the cash, I drive a sports car real fuckin' fast, I'm getting sucked into a black hole, I like writing rhymes acting like an asshole
[Chorus]
Check it.
I like kids in Kansas playing with stun guns, I like MTV playing my reruns. Like finding money in the taxi cab, I like kicking cancer in the motherfucking ass.
I like people getting famous over night and getting bent, Cameron Diaz acting like she president, walkin' around acting all sweet
but she won't sign an autograph for kids on the street (Huh). I like watching EZ Mike make beats, I like dropping rhymes and making people freak,
I like cupping the mic in my right palm, I like watching other peoples' movies bomb. I like talking with my mom on the phone,
my dad only talks when she's not home. I like eating Chinese food with a fork i like writing rhymes and acting like a dork. (Ha)
[Chorus]
Tiny salmon swimming in a stream.
Tiny salmon chasing that impossible dream.
The minor Bird Says "Arrrrhhh Arhh Arhhhh".
The chimpanzee says "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee".
The friendly owl says "oooooo oooo ooooooo".
But the salmon can only say "wellelwlelewlelewlelelwlwllwlelwlelwelwelelwee welwllw lewlle le weelew ewe we welwe".
My bum is on the rail
Bum is on the rail
Look at me
my bum is on the rail!
My bum is on the man
Bum is on the man
It's a lot of fun to put your bum on a man!
My bum is on the step
Bum is on the step
Don't fall down the step, you might hurt your bum! [laughing]
And that's not very fun
If you fall down and hurt your bum
I like to put my bum on things
It's fun for everyone
My bum is on the cheese
Bum is on the cheese
If I get lucky I'll get a disease!
My bum is on the Swedish! Swedish!
Swedish, Swedish
My bum is on the gum
My bum is on the gum
I can blow a bubble with my bum bum bum!
My bum is on the ship
The battleship
I hope they don't shoot the cannon in my bum
I'd shoot poo all over the place!
POO POO!! [laugh]
Cause that isn't very fun
When they shoot a cannon in your bum
I like to put my bum on things
it's fun for everyone
My bum is on the dog
My bum is on the cat
My bum is on the phone
My bum is all alone...
The rail is all alone
The man is all alone
The Swedish is all alone
My bum is all alone....
1, 2, 3, 4
My bum is all alone
My bum is all alone
My bum is all alone
My bum is all alone
My bum is all alone
My bum is all alone
My bum is all alone
My bum is all alone
My bum is all alone
My bum is all alone
My bum is all alone
My bum is all alone
Get the poo off my bum!
I need the poo off the bum!
I've got to get the poo off my bum (poopoo)
I want to hear the cannon! [Loon in the background]
No, let me hear the cannon! [Loon in the background]
NO NO NO, no, not the loon!
My bum is all alone
My bum is all alone
My bum is all alone
I WANNA HEAR THE CANNON!
I WANNA HEAR THE CANNON!
I WANNA HEAR THE CANNON NOT THE LOON!
(Cannon Explodes)
Yeah! The cannon!
Now get the poo off my bum!
I want the poo-poo off my bum bum...
Okay! This is going out to all of my teachers from elementary school, to middle school,
all the way up to middle school and college. I wanna say thank you for the knowledge,
thank you for teaching me everything there is to know about this life, and I wrote this song
as a way of saying thanks...hahaha Check it...
I like to drink, and I like to smoke,
my teachers suck because they all a joke.
They just folks that couldn't get a job,
cause they were either too stupid or just a knob.
The shit they teach it ain't even shit, I never used algebra one bit,
I never learned a thing in class I need, huh, except maybe how to score some weed.
Or go to the dance, and get laid, never taught me how I'm gettin' paid.
If it was asshole 101 I'm making the grade I got a future so bright I gotta wear shades.
Instead they got me reading a map. Sweden? Where the fuck is that?
And why the fuck do I need to know, I just gotta get on a plane and get off at Stockholm.
I like to drink and I like to smoke.
My teachers suck they all a joke.
They just folks that couldn't get a job cause they were either too stupid
or just a knob.
I'm sittin' in biology carvin' up a pig who deserves an apology. What the fuck is this tellin ya?
Like how to make bacon and get salmonella? Or how to chop up a body in the cellar,
with ease and agility like the BTK killer? I think it all blows (blows) why learn about the history
of Cyrano's nose? Is that gonna get me a beamer, a white house or a wife that'll take me to the cleaners?
I don't think so. The best thing I learned was in PE...how to play ping-pong.
I like to drink and I like to smoke.
My teachers suck they all a joke.
They just folks that couldn't get a job cause they were either too stupid
or just a knob.
I'm sitting in geography I got the cumulonimbus a bit of typography. I'd much rather learn photography,
take some picture of bitches and autumn leaves. Then they force-feed us that Shakespeare,
like The Merchant of Venice and it's uncler why everybody calls it all good,
when nobody I know thinks it's good. It's like in 200 years they'll be teaching the kids Empire Strikes Back,
like it's all genius and crap, or maybe they'll study this rap and talk it up like "A matter of fact..."
I like to drink and I like to smoke.
My teachers suck they all a joke.
They just folks that couldn't get a job cause they were either too stupid
or just a knob.
Thank you very much...for teaching me all there is to know about life, as I said in the beginning.
And I wanna sank you..I wanna say thank you to Mrs. - (in da house), and thank you to Mr. - (in da house),
and thank you to Mr. - (in da house haha), and thank you to Mrs. - (in the house), and thank you to Mrs. -.
and thank you to Mr. -, I'm sorry that I threw-wait look Mr. -
Remember when you told me to stop throwing vegetables off the stage (not on my watch) at the Christmas concert, because you didn't want the assemblies to turn into rock concerts?
(Don't do that!) It was the Christmas concert, you're supposed to throw vegetables off the stage at Christmas concerts. (Put those tomatoes down)
That's my opionion anyhow.
This may date me a little bit, but I speak the truth. I'm not going to lie to you people,
I'm amazed by the things I see everyday in this world, I'm amazed!
[Chorus:]
Science is everywhere, computers are everywhere, robots are everywhere, Spacecrafts are everywhere.
Science is everywhere, computers are everywhere, robots are everywhere, Spacecrafts are everywhere.
When I was a kid we didn't have microwave ovens, we heated up shit on the stove,
like if we wanted Chef Boyardee we'd get a pot, boil that shit til it's nice and hot.
We did dandy without CDs, video games, Mp3s, and FTPs.
Tossed snowballs at police, and get chased, as much fun as anybody could taste.
We would walk down the street with a ghetto blaster, blastin' casettes of Flash the Grand Master.
The guy around the corner had an 8-track, we all used to laugh, but behind his back.
Then one day I got a calculator watch, cheated in my grade 5 math class, and got caught.
One kid had a walkman, he was rich, I used to watch him walkin' to the beat and shit.
Back in the day it was fun but simple, I never saw a VCR when I popped my first pimple.
My TV was black and white, you ever watch the Love Boat in black and white? That shit's aight.
Shit, I sound like Randy Jackson, but back in the day I had a jacket like Michaekl Jackson.
Red leather, walkin' backwards, no traction, Moonwalkin' was a national passion.
[Chorus]
When I was a kid we just got indoor plumbing, we used to shit outside the house,
I'd walk four miles to school, and wig out. Nah, that's what my dad was all about.
I remember the day I saw my first ATM machine, brand new all shiny and clean, I thought
it was a video game, I put a quarter in it, I thought it was a coke machine, I put my order in it.
See, I was born in 1971, we would play Evil Kenievel, sling shots, bb guns. And go to the river
and make booby traps for fun. Pretended to be Rambo, "Run Rambo, run!"
I had one of those knives that you could unscrew the bottom, and Stretch Armstrong,
that dude was friggin' awesome, hid under the couch pretend to be Steve Austin,
watch Punkie Brewster, or Blossom, then Pong came along and it was "Holy fuck!"
My parents didn't get it there was no such luck. I made best friends with the kid down the block,
I didn't really like him but his Pong really rocked!
Check!
Check!
I saw Bill Clinton at the four seasons, talking to Mick Jagger, for god knows what reason,
And over to my left,
I'm checking Queen Latifah having some type of business brunch with her people,
I get the check-in valet, jump in my range,
I drive around town, everything seems strange,
I see Christina Aguilera chilling at a club, she shakes my hand, her people say 'whatsup'
I met Fred Durst at the line-up to the movies,
He asked for my number, but then he never calls me,
Guess I did the same to Kanye West and Jim Carey,
I didn't want to stalk them or bugging out and scary,
I went to the drug store, there was Kevin Bacon,
But everyone's got six degrees of Kevin Bacon,
And there's no mistaking when you see him around,
See the people in my neighborhood are freaking me out,
These are the people in my neighborhood,
These are the people in my neighborhood,
These are the people in my neighborhood,
In my nay-bor-HOOD,
I saw Reese Witherspoon walking with her hubby,
I saw my ex-bitch acting all druggy,
I saw Jay-Z dropping flips I wanna study,
Think I'll try to replicate it but I'm sounding kinda muddy,
This kid walked up to Chris Rock and me, in a club,
He said 'Chris, your funny, Tom, your not!'
I said 'That's embarrassing, thanks a lot'
And waved to the bartender, drank another shot,
Now I saw Regis Philbin crossing the street,
I saw Kevin Spacey in a SUV,
I saw Paris Hilton; she was looking at me,
I ought to tap that old video, so y'all can see,
Now I went to a movie, I saw belbive and a voe,
And over to my left was Steve-O, he stapled a popcorn box to his forehead,
Smiling and chuckling, I guess it wasn't sore yet,
Saw Matthew Perry in a parking garage, I said 'I'm from Ottawa, too'
He said 'What? You want a badge?'
And then he walked away and I felt all sad,
The people in my neighborhood are flipping me out bad,
These are the people in my neighborhood,
These are the people in my neighborhood,
These are the people in my neighborhood,
In my nay-bor-HOOD,
These are the people in my neighborhood,
These are the people in my neighborhood,
These are the people in my neighborhood,
In my nay-bor-HOOD,
I saw Johnny Knoxville, quiet type of prick,
But he could have been embarrassed about my bum is on your lips,
I saw Ashton Kutcher acting like a dick,
It was after my had bombed but before his hat and shit,
I saw Jimmy Falon; he dissed me on my show,
I guess he thought he was Chevy Chace, I guess we'll never know,
I saw Martin Short; he made fun of my nut,
But he's not funny anymore so I didn't give a fuck,
I saw Tom Hanks backstage at my show,
He was nice to my parents, I was afraid to say hello,
I saw Adam Sandler, he shook my hand,
Then we talked about his website, and how he is 'The Man'
The people in my neighborhood are hardly understanded,
Well maybe the grocery store clerk, or postman,
And even that dude tries to give me scripts,
'Just give me my mail, and stop acting like a prick!'
These are the people in my neighborhood,
These are the people in my neighborhood,
These are the people in my neighborhood,
In my nay-bor-HOOD,
These are the people in my neighborhood,
These are the people in my neighborhood,
These are the people in my neighborhood,
In my nay-bor-HOOD,
Just one thing, everybody in this song, they deserve it! Except for maybe Paris Hilton, but I just had a rhyme that I couldn't ignore, sorry Paris, it was just a good rhyme, you know I love you.
Woah!
These are the people in my neighborhood,
These are the people in my neighborhood,
These are the people in my neighborhood,
My bum is on ya lips, my bum is on ya lips, and if you don't like it you can suck my dick.
I used to dress like superman, go downtown, run around like an asshole, fuckin' around.
I met a man on the street he was 60 years old, he wanted to fight so he punched me in the nose.
Cause I asked him where he's going, he said "None of your business."
Snapped my mic in two, I said "What is this?"
My Bum is on ya lips, my bum is on ya lips, I humped a dead moose on MTV for kicks,
to make people freak out, suckers react, Eminem talk about it in my favourite rap.
I used to wake up my parents, then Bam stole it, people diggin' in my bag of tricks now they golden.
I wouldn't be surprised if Johnny starts to rap but he'll do it in style in a Von Dutch hat.
My bum is on ya lips, my bum is on ya lips,
And if ya get lucky you can suck my dick, that's right
My bum is on ya lips, my bum is on ya lips,
and if you don't like it you can suck my dick.
I used to fall down on crutches, see what would happen. Swam in the ocean with sharks,
now I'm rappin'. Executives they gravitate through the biz, and if you don't like it then you're shot like jizz.
So pay attention to the back(?) smile and shake, and try to do something clever for goodness sake.
Like do aerobics with a bunch of old ladies, or wear pink tights like it is the 1980s.
Okay, not so clever but good for a laugh, I got stuck in handcuffs a couple times in the past.
I open up a bank account, and now it's full, I guess the critics and the media can save the bull.
My bum is on ya lips, my bum is on ya lips, I used to act funny and talk a lot of shit.
Then I moved to Hollywood, and got conservative, I didn't wanna piss anyone off in the biz.
The media can chew ya up like a machine, but weebles wabble and they don't fall down, know what I mean?
I used to have cancer, I just beat it, wanna try and take me out? You'll be defeated.
I like to do things that have never been done, so if I look kinda strange that's the reason.
My bum is on ya lips, my bum is on ya lips,
And if you don't like it, I think I'll take a shit
My bum is on ya lips, my bum is on ya lips,
and if you don't like it, you can suck my dick.
Okay, I went to Japan, put a monkey in my van. Kicked off the subway, by Charlie Chan.
A pocket full of chicken feed, for the chickens. Sat in my hotel read some Chuck Dickens.
Then I came back to the USA, I had a quickie rubber stamped divorce to celebrate.
I took a shit in the toilet, then I took a drink, then I stopped worryin' about what ya'll think.
I put my face on the TV acting like a Jackass, you're Kurt Russel, huh, you're in my Backdraft.
I'm glad you followed in my steps with that actress(?).
Not only did you bite me, but now no one knows who's whackest.
My bum is on ya lips, my bum is on ya lips,
And if you don't like it, I think I'll take a shit
My bum is on ya lips, my bum is on ya lips,
So what you wanna do, what you gonna wanna say?
When I bust a rap in an old school way.
I rock it when you hit the club to the break of day.
Don't come a-knockin' if ya don't wanna play.
And if ya wanna play well you may get wet.
I heard your wicky-whack track bangin' on cassette.
So microphone check, microphone, mic check.
Haven't heard me yet? Well you better hit the deck.
I'm comin' around the mountain in a red corvette.
I'm comin' for ya live on ya television set.
There's nothin' that I want that I don't got yet.
There's no way to take it if you never make a bet.
So here's another record of mine and it's a hit,
I saw you in the listening room takin' a shit.
Of course you can't believe that I did it again,
gimme a pen let me begin to start a new trend.
I kick so many rhymes that I'm never gonna stop,
I keep throwin' 'em down I ain't never gonna stop,
I keep throwin' 'em down til I get to the top.
I'm watchin' all other MCs just drop.
You give it what you give it, but I give it all I got.
You could do the same but it wouldn't be a lot,
I'm makin' ya bubble like a PC Pot.
I'm throwin' you a rope, so I cut(?) it with a knot.
I be the teacher you be the taught.
I got beat down, but I be never backin' down.
You lookin' like ya lost and I'm lookin' like I'm found.
I wind up take a shot, I get the rebound.
I'm internationally world renowned.
I flip it like this, I rock it, give it a flip like that,
I think I'll just flip it like this on this track.
I'm going down a new path, never coming back.
I don't give a fuck though, cause the media is whack.
I used to give a fuck about how they would react.
But even(?) with the bullshit then I felt on crack.
You see me talkin' shit babblin' to the pack,
but if you stop and listen you can hear him say your jack(?).
I never went to school for acting like a prick,
but still I made a lot of green acting like a dick.
And now I drop a rap on a beat and sound slick.
For those of you that think this is, a comedy record...
Check it!
[Verse 1:]
I'm no comedian
I'm a fiend for nicotene
But I don't need a cigarette
Know what I mean?
I keep 'em bustin' a nut
On these routines
You'll never see a brick wall
Back of my blue jeans
So come around
Open your mouth for protein
If rockin' the mic was a drug
Then I'm a dope fiend
There's not a neon sign that says
"Yum, Yums" or "Cracker Jacks"
My raps are causin' laugh attacks
Not knock knock jokes
I tickle trunks
Now who's on first?
You silly punks
Home, without hit re-runs
It won't be syndicated sitcoms
Just me droppin' bombs
'Cause I'm no comedian
I'm droppin' dope like this one
It's not Carrot Top causin' a shit storm
I'm break wreck
Roll over ya like a german tank
There's no redemption
This ain't shawshank
Or Johnny Carson
Or Buddy Mark
Unless Pee-Wee Herman
But funny like Biz Markee
But I ain't no joke
On the mic I'm a killa
So go get in a cacoon and curl up like a caterpillar
You wanna have a chuckle? (Ha, Ha)
I'm not in the mood
So just buckle up your seat buckle
And prepare for impact
And if you're wearin' your retard helmet then you'll be intact
[Chorus:]
I'm droppin' dope like this one (Ha, ha, ha, ha)
I'm no comedian
I'm droppin' dope like this one
And I ain't no joke
[Verse 2:]
I'm no comedian
I got too many fat raps
And sucka Emcees flat like flapjacks
I'm not tellin' a joke or a riddle
I'm not Jack Paar
Jumpin' on a stool in the middle of the stage
Under the spotlight
I'm just a roastin' most of ya
Never been toasted
I'm the poster for boastin'
I got more flows than your foes
And tongue-tied in a twiddle
Dee-dot, duh-deedle-deedle dum!
Ha, Ha (Ha, Ha)
I'm no comedian
I'm rippin' it up in every medium
I sound dope
You sound like you're on helium
So say hello to my ex at your next A.A. meetin'
And don't make me laugh
Oh wait, That's right
You don't make me laugh
You got the personality of an overpass
Your bank account on overdraft
While I'll be dippin' dollar bills in your girlfriends ass
I'm blowin' your brain like the sax
With my rhymes
Shapin' your ball like kojack
Throw jacks, and smokes
And tell jokes when no one laughs
Give a shrug and drop it on another track
This is a payback
Prepare for impact
Put on your retard helmet and you'll be intact
HOOO!
[Chorus]
I'm no comedian
I'm droppin' dope like this one
I'm no comedian
I'm droppin' dope like this one
If I was chicken I''d cluckity cluck, but because I'm not chicken I don't give a fuck!
I bend over take a shit on the kitchen floor, everybody starts clapping shouting for more.
So I go and take a piss on my grandma's teeth, everybody stares wide eyed in disbelief.
[Chorus:]
You're an idiot! That's right, I'm a fuckin' idiot. I like to act out like a fool.
I'm an idiot. At school I like to act like an idiot, people like to laugh,
but most think I'm an idiot.
If I was a cheetah, I'd run real fast, but...I'm not a cheeta I'm a pain in the ass.
Like to drink whiskey like to smoke grass, I drove into a tree just to see shit crash.
Jumped on a stage to be like Mama Cass, I stuck a bottle rocket deep in my ass,
I lit the fuse that's what I call a "bum blast", I whack off in a Ferari so I can cum fast.
[Chorus]
I went to Batswana to buy some Marijuana, ghetto blaster blastin' Afrika Bambaataa,
I took the wrong bus and went to Ensanada, so I had a siesta and ate ate an enchelada.
I went to tahiti got busted for grafitti, they gave me forty lashes and now I'm bleedin'
They beat me so hard that my hair's receding, they said "Ching chang chong" but I didn't get the meanin'.
[Chorus]
OH OH OH! (squishy sound)
Sitting in my house
And I know that I'm alone,
Feeling kind'a horny
Got a tingle in my bone
Go and grab a Penthouse
It's the one with Sharon Stone,
HEY MASTURBATOR!
I go a little faster
When it's feeling kind'a nice
Once ain't enough so I have to do it twice
If you wanna spank the monkey
I can give you good advice
HEY MASTURBATOR!
*Woman moans*
I use some baby oil
Or a little vaseline
Laying down a towel
So I keep my carpet clean
Never shake my hand
Cuz' you don't know where it's been
HEY MASTURBATOR!
I do it in my car
While I'm driving down the street
One hand on the wheel
And the other on my meat
I can't get out the car
Cuz I'm sticking to the seat
HEY MASTURBATOR!
*Tom Green, a goat and the woman moan*
Since I was a kid
I have been a masturbator
Choke the chicken
Hold the knob
Squeezing the tomato
I flip to miss November
Now I'm gonna decorate 'er
HEY MASTURBATOR!
Buffing the banana
Drain the lizard
Shake and bake'em
Pounding on the flounder
And it's mayonnaise I'm makin'
Spank the frank
Wax the carrot
God my hand it's aching
HEY MASTURBATOR!
*everyone moans*
[singing with beat]
Check it out, yeah
Don't mess with a man, right after he takes a big poo-poo,
It's not the time to be dramatic, right after he takes a big poo-poo,
You gotta watch what you say; right after a man takes a poo-poo,
Because his liable to freak out, right after he dumps his doo-doo.
I knew a guy named Jamal, addicted to prank phone calls,
He called the bowling alley to talk about his balls,
And then he hung up and hid in the bathroom stall, and took a big poo-poo,
It stunk so bad he didn't know what to do-do, the wallpaper started peeling,
So he wiped his butt and started dancing on the ceiling, just like Lionel Ritchie,
The only difference, he just taken a crap and his butt was itchy,
Then he went and caught a movie, and he ate some popcorn, started slurping on a spoon,
The chick in front of him said 'be quiet'
So he slapped the fucking fat bitch and told her to go on a diet,
See, her boyfriend started a riot, so he pulled out his glock and said 'don't even try it'
Don't mess with a man, right after he takes a big poo-poo,
It's not the time to be dramatic, right after he takes a big poo-poo,
You gotta watch what you say; right after a man takes a poo-poo,
Because his liable to freak out, right after he dumps his doo-doo.
One day I was sitting on the toilet, reading a magazine and trying to enjoy it,
I think it was an article in Popular Mechanics, bout how to use Mechano to make a praying mantis,
I got bored so I got off the crapper, washed my hands and turned the light off with a clapper,
See, I didn't want to hit the light switch, see, people with poo on their hands probably had touched it,
So then I went and bought some gum, and then I walked around the shopping mall acting like a dum-dum,
Shoplifting some jeans at Old Navy, put them on my head and acting all crazy,
I said 'look at me, everybody, I'm a man with jeans on my head and if you don't like it then you got no cred'
I flipped them all the bird and this is what I said, this is what I said!
Don't mess with a man, right after he takes a big poo-poo,
It's not the time to be dramatic, right after he takes a big poo-poo,
You gotta watch what you say; right after a man takes a poo-poo,
Because his liable to freak out, right after he dumps his doo-doo.
I heard about a guy named Ricky, he took a poo in a paper bag, it was sticky,
He went to detention, lit the bag on fire, now this is the type of story that I admire,
See the teacher stomped out the fire with his foot, and Ricky said,
'Bitch, you got my shit on your foot, ha, bitch, you got my shit on your foot, yeah!'
Ricky said 'Bitch, you got my shit on your foot, ha!'
Don't mess with a man, right after he takes a big poo-poo,
It's not the time to be dramatic, right after he takes a big poo-poo,
You gotta watch what you say; right after a man takes a poo-poo,