Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.
After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him.
After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.
Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.
And that, your honour, is why I was at the border shooting at illegal immigrants - to deter the rest.
A Somali arrives in Swindon as a new immigrant to the UK. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr Englishman for letting me in this country!"
But the passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am a Pakistani."
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Britain!"
The person says, "I no Blitish. I flom Hong Kong".
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful Britain!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Iran, I am not British".
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you a British citizen?"
She says, "No, I am from Romania!"
So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the British?"
The Romanian lady looks at her watch, shrugs and says, "Probably at work!"
I arrived in Benidorm and on a bus to my hotel when I saw a billboard saying, "All of our doctors speak fluent English."
I thought, 'Don't even fucking get that at home!'
The only people who complain about the 'stupid' foreigners taking our jobs, are the people who consider them competition... should have tried a bit harder in school eh?
