Hottest Jokes Today

Three Indians walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of Sikh joke?"
Three Israelis walk into a bar. The barman says, "Jew can't be serious!"
Three Muslims walk into a bar. The barman says, "Fuck off, you Paki bastards."

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A recent science journal has reported that women have two, not just one 'time of the month' when they become over sensitive, moody and emotionally unstable.

Morning and night.
A Muslim man in Rotherham was jailed for raping a 13 year old girl.

In his defence, he was probably just practising for when he gets to heaven.
If a Muslim gets on a train, then another three, then two get off, then four more get on and then another gets off, how many Muslims are left on the train?

Fuck knows. I got out of there the minute the first one boarded.
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Random 5!

I heard that the terrorist attacks were purposely done on the 11th of September so that the date 9/11 resembles the emergency phone number of the USA.

Just proves once again that Brits are more intelligent than Americans.

I'd like to see someone try to attack Britain on the 9th of the 99th month.
Did anyone else hear about the bloke that was trapped under a hotel ruin for two days in Haiti? He says that the iphone managed to save his life. He was able to use different apps on it to look up treatment to cuts and wounds, as well as using it as an alarm clock every 20 minutes to make sure he didnt fall asleep.

Am I the only one missing something here? Why didn't he just phone someone for help?
Three kids were up late in their tree-house chatting.

The first kid says, "Last night, Daddy made me touch his snake!"

The second kid says, "That's nothing, last night, Daddy made me kiss his snake!"

The last kid sighs and says, "I wish my dad was a reptile enthusiast. He just fucks me in the arse."
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Hottest Jokes This Week

What's better than seeing the look of disappointment on the faces of Celtic supporters, after crashing out of the Champions League?

Seeing it twice.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair.

He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. so he shouts over to the bartender loudly enough that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there".

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.

As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The Arab asks the bartender, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew?
I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times.

That actually beats a record set by my dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea chair together.
A woman walks into a marriage counselling office.

The counsellor says, "I know exactly why you're here. Your husband doesn't want to make love to you anymore, instead he prefers watching porn and masturbating."

She exclaims, "Wow! that's correct! How did you know without even having a session with me?"

The counsellor replies, "Because you're fat."
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Newest Jokes Today

I dont know what will make me kill myself first going back to school at Rotherham or the fact that I will probably have to hear a Sam Smith song on the way
My house was robbed last night.

"I bet it was one of those black fuckers that moved in to the area recently" my mate said.

"No it couldn't have been" I replied. "My shampoo and deodorant were taken".
I set my class a puzzler recently, it didn't go well though:

"Every man has one. Some are longer than others, in fact mine is enormous. When a man gets married, he gives it to his wife and she takes it forever. What am I?"

"Eurgh, you're talking about your willy you pervert. I'm telling my mum" said Little Suzy.

"Do what you want you dirty minded bitch" I said, "I was talking about surnames."
What's the difference between a brothel in Delhi and a brothel in Rotherham?

One is found in a bus while the other is found in a school.
When I was a kid I was gang raped by the chuckle brothers. Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase to me to you
If a girl doesn't want to swap numbers with you after sex it generally means you're no good.

As a rapist it's really affected my confidence.
Always a great relief when you're on an aeroplane with a bunch of Muslims - and they all start filling out immigration cards.
I went on a lads night out with my Pakistani neighbor last week. At the end of the night, he suggested that we grab a takeaway on the way home.
"I'm up for that" I said. "Do you you want to go to the Indian or the Chinese"?

"Well I was thinking more along the lines of the orphanage" he replied with a grin
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