William Ray "Bill" Engvall, Jr. (born July 27, 1957) is an American comedian and actor best known for his work as a stand-up comic, his signature "Here's Your Sign" bit, and as a member of the Blue Collar Comedy group.
Bill Engvall was born in Galveston, Texas. Following graduation from Richardson High School in Richardson, Texas, Engvall attended Southwestern University in Georgetown, Texas, intending to earn a Bachelor's degree and become a teacher. While at Southwestern he was a member of Xi Chapter of the Kappa Alpha Order. Engvall left college without graduating and worked a series of jobs, including tour guide at Inner Space Caverns, and disc jockey in a Dallas, Texas nightclub. It was while working as club DJ he first ventured into standup comedy at amateur and open mic nights around Dallas.
In 1990 Bill Engvall moved to southern California to dedicate full-time to his comedy. Early notoriety came from hosting the cable show A Pair of Jokers with Rosie O'Donnell and an appearance on the The Golden Palace where he played Blanche's son Matthew, a stockbroker turned aspiring comic. Other early appearances included hosting A&E Networks An Evening at The Improv as well as stand-up routines on The Tonight Show and the Late Show with David Letterman.
I just hate stupid people.
They should have to wear signs that just say I'm
stupid.
That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you?
You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like,
"Excuse me...oops,
never mind"
"I didn't see your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved from Texas to
California our house
was full
of boxes and there was a u-Haul truck in our driveway.
My friend comes over and says, "Hey, You moving?"
"Nope."
"We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week. Just
to see how many
boxes it takes."
"Here's your sign."
Why can't they get the picture? Why don't they
understand?
We're not dealing with the planet of apes, we're
talking about the
modern man.
So you people with them itsy bitsy teensie weensie tiny
minds...
Here's your sign. Here's your sign.
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of
mine, we pulled
his boat
into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of
bass this idiot on
the dock
goes, "Hey, yall catch all them fish?"
Nope.
"Talked 'em into giving up."
"Here's your sign."
I was out in the front yard with my boy the other day
and he was
playing with his little friend, and he hit his friend
and I went up to
him
and I said "Hey, (smacks his boy), we don't hit." He
looked up at me
like, "Here's your sign, dad."
Why can't they get the picture? Why don't they
understand?
We're not dealing with the planet of apes, we're
talking about the
modern man.
So you people with them itsy bitsy teensie weensie tiny
minds...
Here's your sign. Here's your sign.
I was watching one of those animal shows on the
Discovery Channel, there
was a guy
inventing a shark bite suit. There's only one way to
test that.
"Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks
good... They want
you to jump
into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts
when they bite
you."
"Well allright....hold my sign, I don't wanna loose it"
Why can't they get the picture? Why don't they
understand?
We're not dealing with the planet of apes, we're
talking about the
modern man.
So you people with them itsy bitsy teensie weensie tiny
minds...
Here's your sign. Here's your sign.
Last time I was home I was driving around I had a flat
tire, I pulled my
truck into one
of these side-of-the-road gas statioons, the attendant
walks out, looks
at my truck,
looks at me, I swear to GOD he went, "Tire go flat?"
I couldn't resist.
I said "Nope".
"No I was driving around and those other three just
swelled right up on
me."
"Here's your sign."
Why can't they get the picture? Why don't they
understand?
We're not dealing with the planet of apes, we're
talking about the
modern man.
So you people with them itsy bitsy teensie weensie tiny
minds...
People with them little bitty teenie weenie tiny
monds...
Here's your sign.
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago, a guy
come over to the
house, drove the
car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the
house, he gets out
of the car, reaches down
and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Damn thats
hot!"
See...
If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped
him.