Hedberg, Mitch Filmography

• 100 Greatest Stand-Ups
  2007, role: actor , character name: Himself
• Lords of Dogtown
  2005, role: actor
• Saddle Rash
  2002, role: actor , character name: Various Voices
• Almost Famous
  2000, role: actor
• Los Enchiladas!
  1999, role: writer
• Los Enchiladas!
  1999, role: director
• Los Enchiladas!
  1999, role: actor , character name: Lee
• Los Enchiladas!
  1999, role: producer
• Los Enchiladas!
  1999, role: producer
• Live at Jongleurs
  1997, role: actor , character name: Himself - Comedian

Famous quotes by Mitch Hedberg:

"If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable..."

"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'"

"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

"I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist."

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later."

"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."

"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right."

"I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work.'"

"It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky."

"I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly..."

"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late."

"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."

"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."

"This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty."

"I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring."

"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."

"My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?"

"I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me."

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later."

• Lyrics: play full screen play karaoke
• Whistle - Mitch Hedberg

Thank you thank you thank you. Alright this uh, theatre
was built in 1925 and the fucking insulation says so.
It's very cold upstairs. Is it cold in here? No,
there's a lot of people. You put a bunch of people
together together, and it's like two-thousand years.
Okay, I got uh, I got some moniters THANK GOD, because
last night I didn't them and I was telling jokes, and I
had no idea what joke I was telling. So I told jokes
twice.... I even said that one twice.
God damn I've got to follow Stephen Lynch. What the
fuck? That's a hard act to follow, right? Yeah. I'm
fucking scared man. I'm s... you guys are.. -Whistle
from the audience- Shut up! That was the longest
whistle I've ever heard. -More whistles- Alright, don't
show off. Are you whistling with your fingers? -Another
whistle- Yep, I.... -more whistles- Come on! I didn't
say everyone whistle with their fingers! I asked a
fucking question! I can whistle with my fingers,
especially if I have a whistle.
Okay... Stephen Lynch is a hard act to follow. I'm a
hard act to follow too, because when I'm done, I take
the microphone with me.
Oh they've got lights on, you see all them lights up
there? Blue and white, those are the comedy lights. You
don't know what would happen if those blue lights
weren't there. This shit would not be funny. You don't
know how important blue lights are. They fucking don't
get any credit.
So I'm on a theatre tour. You know what that means.
Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the preformer. Not
on this tour, and that sucks, because brick walls make
you funny. Bricks make you fucking funny. When I'm
infront of a fireplace, I am hilarious. So I've got to
deal with the black curtain. Well you know what? I like
to fuck with the spotlight opperators. I like to see
how good they are, and this dude is all right. I think
there's two though, is there two spotlight opperators?
-answer of no from the audience- Alight... Howcome
you're answering? You just took a look behind your
head? Behind your head? That makes no sense! Oh yes it
does... It means over there! That was fucking white!
This stage needs to be buffed.
I got two stools incase I want to sit down, and then
sit down again on something else. This is a high tech
looking stool, oh my God! That might be a drill. I'm
not sure. Look at this fucking thing right here, that
thing is scary. It's like an instrument in the African
Jungle. It's got metal on it though, it's kind of post
modern.
Hey, but look what I got here! I have a jack that goes
no where. I can plug this in and see what the fuck
happens. Let me put it in my mouth. No.. No...
Oh my god, I've got a Stephen Lynch pick up here, oh
yeah! Some girl's going to be happy. And that would be
-More whistling-
You guys like to whistle around here, I see that.