Biden Loses Control Of Butterfly Knife During Commencement Speech
COLUMBIA, SC—Advising the 1,500 new graduates to “check out this shit,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly lost control of his rapidly twirling butterfly ...
Dad Way Scarier When Controlling Temper
SANTA ROSA, CA—Noting the 51-year-old’s increasingly flushed complexion, wide and intense eyes, and slow, heavy breathing during an argument Friday morning, local siblings ...
American Medical Association Changes Stance On Self-Immolation
NEW YORK—In a stunning announcement that has sent shockwaves throughout the field of public health, the American Medical Association officially changed its long-held stance ...
McDonald’s Janitor Would Like To Thank Everyone Who Tossed Half-Full Cups Of Soda Into Trash
BLOOMINGTON, IN—In an effusive display of gratitude toward the local community, McDonald’s custodian Kevin Daniels expressed his sincere thanks Wednesday to every customer ...
Everyone In Sears Spanking A Child
ROCHESTER, NY—Citing offenses such as talking back, whining, and touching everything in the goddamn store, every adult shopper in Sears’ Medley Center Parkway location ...
Congress Splits Into Male And Female Senators To Discuss Newest Reproductive Bill
WASHINGTON—To better educate lawmakers on complex reproductive issues while also providing a safe, nonthreatening environment where they can speak up and ask questions without ...
