The 5 most important things to say to our kids at bedtime

Is bedtime at your house a time of chaos until everyone is settled, or is it a time of quiet connection? Dr Justin Coulson shares five important things to say to our children each night that will strengthen our relationships and keep us in touch with our kids.

The most important relationship our children will have for at least the first dozen years of their lives will be the relationship they share with us, their parents – but our relationships aren’t always rosy.

Somewhere between the deadlines and demands we all face, we can find ourselves wondering whether the stresses of being a parent ever end. Well, yes, they do, albeit briefly. Most often, they end at somewhere between 7pm and 9pm each night when the kids finally fall asleep and we get a few brief moments of adult time as the day closes.

How do you approach the moments before your kids go to sleep?

Is it chaos followed by relief? Or is it a time of quiet connection that strengthens your relationships?

During the dramas of the day we can easily overlook our children’s emotional needs and struggles. As we tuck them in at night, how often do we take 10 minutes to forget about the dishes, leave the email or Facebook account alone, and sit on the end of our child’s bed to talk?

Here are five things we can share with our children each night as we put them to sleep. As we do so, we can also build bonds that make our families happier.

The 5 most important things to say to our children at bedtime

1. What was great today?

The research on gratitude is undeniable. People who are genuinely appreciative of the good things in their lives are happy – and happy people find lots to be grateful for. In my family, talking about our “grateful things” has become an evening staple, and our children rattle off their lists with delight. But we have also been struck by our children’s insights when they have shared sad or difficult things they are grateful for, because of the learning or growth that came out of challenge.

2. What are you looking forward to?

In his book The Optimistic Child, Professor Martin Seligman identifies this question as a personal favourite, because it points our children towards a positive future. Seligman points out that hope and optimism are a powerful deterrent to depression. Plus, we get to be excited with them as they look forward to exciting and positive events.

3. Is there anything you want to talk about?

I have been amazed at the revelations my children have shared when they know that they have my full focus and attention. This question has led to conversations about experiences, emotions, fears and worries that I would never have known about or been able to share in had I not taken a few moments to ask. 

There have been very few times when my children have said, “Nope, nothing to talk about”. Instead, it seems that they crave opportunities to connect with us as their parents.

4. I’m sorry

One of the most commonly shared pieces of marriage wisdom is that we should never go to bed angry with our spouse. This advice applies to our kids as well. If during the course of the day we have not been our best selves, this final few minutes together is a valuable time to make much-needed relationship repairs. Letting our children know we are sorry for not being our best teaches leadership, humility, humanity, and it shows a willingness to put the relationship ahead of frustrations and grudges.

5. I love you

This statement, heartfelt and meaningful, matters more than anything. Say it every night. Make sure it is accompanied by a hug and kiss.

Honest, caring listening may be the most important thing we can do to show our kids we care about them, and to help them really feel it. Those final minutes each night can be a precious – almost sacred – time of listening, repair and love.

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What is your bedtime routine? Do you have a bedtime chat with your kids or is it a quick cuddle and into bed?

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