[Robbie Hart (Singing)
I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
Oh all I wanna do is grow old with you
I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you
I'll miss you
Kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold
Need you
Feed you
Even let ya hold the remote control
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
"I can make a bigger splash than you!"
"Oh yeah, give it a shot."
"Can opener!"
"Man, that one was huge."
"You go."
"Ahhhh, jacknife!"
"That was a dud, Jimmy."
"Shutup, Tracy."
"You shutup."
"Lunch time kids."
"I made some jelly sandwiches and sliced up some cantelope.
I figured you could eat a little food and and then maybe play with yer cock and balls fer a while."
"I'm just gonna eat, mom."
"All right. And then maybe a little later, you can play with yer cock and balls fer momma."
"I don't think so."
"Ok. Slow down Jimmy, yer already halfway done with yer sandwhich.
You're gonna get a belly ache."
"No I'm not. I'm hungry."
"I know, but you shouldn't so fast.
You're rushing honey, you're gonna choke. Put down your sandwhich and beat off your cock and balls for a little bit. Pace yourself."
"Oh god."
"Tracy, do you want some fruit or a sandwhich?"
"No mom, I'm trying to lose weight. Guy said I'm getting fat."
"What? You look beautiful honey. He's crazy."
"Guy said last summer I looked better in a bathing suit, so I'm gonna try to lose like three or four pounds."
"Awww, sweetheart.
You've got so much to learn.
Guy doesn't want you to lose weight, baby.
It's just his way of telling you he wants you to smack around his cock and balls some more, honey.
He's got some balls and some cock. You gotta stroke his schlong or at least bite his nuts."
"Mom!"
"You're scared, aren't ya honey.
You want momma to help you?
Momma will stroke Guy's penis for him.
No one has to know. I'll sneak in when it's dark."
"No! Mom, please!"
"You don't know how to tug on the cock and balls?
You need momma to show you?
Get me a carrot, sweetheart.
Where are you going!?"
"Mom, where's the suntan lotion?"
"It's under the chair baby.
You gonna lube up yer cock and balls and wack it for a little bit?"
"Uhh, no. I'm just going to put some on my face so I don't get sunburnt."
"Smart thinking honey.
And while yer at it you can put some on your brother's ding dong and knock around his nuts for him."
"Mom!"
"What Jimmy. Why don't you let your brother wack your cock and nuts for a little bit.
You're not playing with them right now so why not let him. Share, baby!"
"You're weird mom! I'm going swimming!"
"Oh, you shouldn't swim for a half an hour. I read that."
"Why?"
"Because you just ate, honey.
And you'll get cramps.
Why don't you just lay on the side of the pool and jiggle your balls for momma."
"It's ok. I'll stay in the shallow end."
"Ok, baby. But don't hurt yourself with that big juicy hog of yours."
"Hey, J.N. Throw me that frisby."
"Here! Whoops!"
"Nice throw. Right over the fence and into the Chasen's yard."
"Don't get all huffy puffy. I'll get it.
Momma will make everything all right.
J.N. you watch Jimmy and make sure he's safe in that water."
"Ok, ma."
"And if you want you can beat your cock and balls. Hi Mr. Chasen!"
[Mr. Chasen: "Oh, hi Emily. How are you?"
"Oh, the boys threw the frisbee over the fence again.
And there it is under the bush."
"I'll get it for you."
"Sorry. Thank you.
And while your under that bush, why don't you jack around your cock and balls for yourself.
You can stare at my jugs and play with that healthy wang of yours."
"No, I'll just.. I'll just get your frisbee."
"All right baby."
"Here you go."
"Thank you. Thanks. Thank Mr. Chasen, boys!"
"Thanks Mr. Chasen!"
"You're welcome fellas."
"Have a good day.
Oh, and..and tell your son Tommy,
if he wants to come over later and play with his cock and balls with the kids he's always welcome.
I don't know what happened with him and the boys,
but they don't seem to be friendly anymore."
"I'll do that Emily."
"All right. He's got a big one. You know that."
"Tracy! You're boyfriend Guy's car just pulled up."
"Ok mom. Please don't embarass me!"
"Everything embarasses you at this age, but I'll do my best.
Don't worry."
"Is it ok to come in?"
"Come on back here guy!"
"Oh!"
"Thanks for coming over!"
"Nice to see you Guy."
"Hi Mrs. Tucker."
"Why don't you go for a swim with the others?"
"I didn't bring a bathing suit with me."
"Oh no! You don't need a bathing suit.
Just pull off your clothes and let your cock and balls feel the nice warm water."
"Uhhh, that's ok, Mrs. Tucker."
"Come on! Pull out your cock and balls.
The water's heated. You'll love it."
"Mom! Stop it! Now!"
"What are you talking about, honey!?
This way his balls are out, you can stroke his ding dong in front of all of us.
Come on, pull out that hog of yours.
I wanna see it anyways.
I wanna know what my daughter's been stroking."
"Mom! Stop it!"
"In fact, everybody, pull out your cock and balls and rub it for momma.
Play with yourself. It'll be good. Everyone. Wack away!"
"You're sick mom! I'm leaving."
"I'm going to Billy's house. I can't take this anymore."
"Come on, let's go."
"You've humiliated me and Guy. We are so outta here."
"What did I do? What is the matter with you all?
Come back here!
You're ruining the day!
It's so beautiful out.
This is too much of a..."
"I can't take these kids anymore..."
"Hello?"
"Momma, it's me, I'm very upset,"
"Oh, what's the matter, baby?"
"The kids are yelling at me and they left me here all alone."
"Did you tell them the kids to play with their cock and balls?"
"I told them to play with their cock and balls."
"And what did they say?"
"They don't wanna play with them anymore."
"Why don't they wanna play with them anymore?"
"I don't understand. They've got cock and balls. They should play with them."
"Poppy always loves when I play with his cock and balls."
"You smack around daddy's cock still, why shouldn't they beat theirs?"
"Tell them to come over to grandma's house. I'll play with their cock and balls."
"And now the severe beating of a high school spanish teacher."
"Juan es muy guapo."
"Hola."
"Senor?"
"Hay problema?"
"Mi casa es su casa."
"Ayuda! Ayudame!"
"Ayudame!"
"Bibliotecha!"
"And now the severe beating of a high school science teacher."
"Zinc is by far the best element."
"I also like plutonium."
"It's just fun to say."
"Plutonium."
"How's your plutonium?"
"Good, thank you."
"Excuse me!"
"Hello! The office is closed. So, if you wouldn't mind,.. Sir, what are you doing?"
"Hey! Get off of me!"
"You're breaking the beakers!"
"And now, the sever beating of a high school janitor."
Mop, mop, mop
All day long
Mop, mop, mop
While I sing this song
Gonna wax the floor
Gonna make it shine
Gonna take of the spray paint
With turpentine
"Hey! Don't walk there! I just mopped!"
"Hey!"
"Get offa me!"
"That's my bucket!"
"And now, the sever beating of a high school bus driver."
"How are ya, Bryan?"
"Good morning, Lisa."
"Good to see ya, Tommy!"
"Hey, good morning, Cyle! Nice new backpack!"
"Watch your step now, Joseph."
"Uhh, young man. Can I help you? Can I see your bus pass, please?"
"Sir, please!"
"I drive with that hand!"
"Children! Call for help!"
"Holy geez, no!"
"Ok you guys, let's hear some spirit!"
"United, we are united.. We'll be 'cause we're the
Tigers, we're out for vic-tor-y - Yeah!"
"Come on you guys! I wanna hear you!"
"Come on! The girls volleyball team's got a big game tonight!
And we're gonna win 'cause we're the -"
"Sit down!"
"You guys are assholes!" [Whining]
"You think this is easy being a cheerleader!?
Let's see you come down here and try it!"
"Shut up!"
"You're the one who should be shutting up!
This is my senior year of cheerleading and you're ruining it!
I paid for my pom-poms with my own money."
"You suck!"
"I was gonna do a split for you guys,
but now I'm not gonna cuz you guys don't appreciate anything."
"Owwww! Who threw that!?
I'm gonna get a bruise now! I hate my school!"
"We're sorry."
"Just kidding, you suck!"
Respect
Respect
You gotta show the fucking respect
"Welcome to Worchester. Dollar twenty-five please."
"Hey, how ya doin' Toll Booth Willie?"
"Good! Thanks fer askin, pop!"
"Aww, that's great, you know, considering yer a fuckin' idiot!"
"Go fuck yourself you son of a bitch!
I'll come right outta the booth and fuckin' whack ya, you fuckin' prick!"
"Hey, hey, Willie! Hows it going?"
"Hey, can't complain, pop. Hows 'bout you?"
"Oh, great, great. How much?"
"The state charges a dollar twenty-five, pop."
"That's fine. Now should I give you the money,
or should I shove the quarters directly up your fat ass!?"
"Why you fuckin' hard on!
I'll fucking Carlton Fisk yer fuckin' head with a Louise-ville fuckin' slugger!
Whadya think of that ass fuck!?"
"Hi Willie."
"Oh, nice to see ya M'am. Not a bad day, huh?"
"Well, I'm a little lost. Could you help me out?
I hear your the best with directions."
"Well I know my way around New England.
I can tell ya that much. So where ya headed?"
"Well, I was just wondering exactly which is the best way
to drive up your ass. You know, if you'd tell me,
I'd appreciate it, you fuckin' prick."
"You fuckin' bitch! Fuck you!
You forgot to pay the fuckin' toll you dirty whore!
I'll fuckin' drop you with a boot to the fuckin' skull you cum guzzling queen!"
"Hey Willie."
"Hey, how are ya?"
"Here's a dollar twenty-five, and go fuck yourself."
"Dah, you fuckin' prick!
I hope you choke on a fuckin' bottle cap, ya fuckin' son of a fuck!
Eat shit! Eat my shit!"
"Hello Willie. Good to see you."
"Ahhh, Bishop Nelson. Nice to see ya.
That was quite a sermon you had the other day."
"Hey, well I do my best."
"Dollar twenty-five, Bishop."
"Dollar twenty-five,
Willie. Isn't that the same price your mother charges for a blow job,
you piece of dog shit!?"
"Ohhh! Have another one, you fuckin' lush!
It's not my fault the bartender cut ya off last night ya fuckin' douche bag!"
"Hey!"
"Well hey!"
"Yeah, do you want the money,
or should I just shove the quarters directly up your fat ass!?"
"Well, I already heard that one you fuckin' unoriginal bastard!
Go suck a corn you fuckin' piece of repeatin' shit!"
"Hi."
"Oh, hi. How are ya?"
"Fine, thank you. How much is the toll please?"
"For you sweetheart, it's a dollar twenty-five."
"Here ya go."
"Thank you."
"Hey! Hey! Honey! Would you like a receipt with that?"
"Oh, I almost forgot. Thank you so much."
"And here ya are."
"Umm, do you think you could sign it?"
"Oh, uh.. sign it?"
"Yeah, sign Toll Booth Willie was here."
"Ok, sure. Uhh, by the way, what is this for?"
"Just so I could have proof for my friends that
I met the biggest fuckin' dip shit with the smallest dick alive.
You understand."
"Fuck you, you fuckin' upity bitch!
I'll fuckin' fuck you and all your lesbian fish-eating friends in front
of your fuckin' mothers! You're gonna die, bitch! I'm comin' outta the booth!"
"Ooooh! My fuckin' leg!"
"Hey! You ran over Toll Booth Willie!"
"Oh my God! I was always wondering what it would be like to run over a
dried up stinky dick licker."
"Why you fuckin' pricks.
I fuckin' hear every fuckin' word yer saying!
When this fuckin' leg heals,
"Hey man, let me in there first"
-"Go ahead man, take it easy"
"Thanks, I really gotta pee"
"Oh man"
"Ohhh yeah"
"Ahhhh"
"Ahh"
"Oh man"
"Oh man"
"Oh Man"
"OH MAN"
"OH MAN!!"
"OH MAN!!! OH.."
"Oh no!"
"Oh Man!"
"ahhh"
"Ahhhhhh...There ya go"
"Oh! OH MAN!"
"OH MY GOD!"
"I'll be out in a minute!"
"oh..oh my"
"oh...Oh thank God"
"Awwww MAN!"
-"Hey man, you pissed in your pants"
"I know"
-"So did I"
Ooooh yeah
Baby, baby, baby, I wanna stew your tomato
Baby, baby, baby, I want to french fry your potato
Baby, baby, baby, won't you pluck my grapes
Won't you peel my banana like a pack of wild apes?
I'm your food innuendo guy, your food innuendo guy
Baby, baby, baby, you got honeydew melons
Baby, baby, baby, can't you see my brocolli swelin
Oh baby, baby, baby, I wanna taste your watercress
I wanna slip my celery stick up the back of your dress
I'm your food innuendo guy, your food innuendo guy
Oh what will it take
Don't go so soon
You'll miss my carrot cake
And my cream of mushroom
Oh baby, baby, baby, my jalapeno's red hot
Baby, baby, baby, I wanna stuff all that cabbage you got
I'm your food innuendo guy, food innuendo guy
Oh yeah
Oooooooh yeah
Oh baby, baby, baby, you got eggplant parmigiana
Baby, baby, baby, bite my zucchini if you wanna
I'll give you fresh fruit salad
I don't get it from no can
Your string bean days are over
I'm your cucumber man
I'm your food inunendo guy, food innuendo guy
I am a simple goat
I live on the back of a pick-up truck
The Old Man tied me here with a 3-foot rope
Am I happy he don't give a fuck
He's filled with anger, and filled with rage
And tells me I smell like piss
His drink, Jimmy Bean
His chaser, a bear
After that, various alcohols
That's when the beatings get so severe
Asleep I pray he falls
But don't feel sorry for me
Things weren't always this bad
Why, when I was a young talking goat
The Old Man was just like my dad
I come from the hills of Europe
That's where I met the Old Man
He was lost in the woods, I gave him directions
He gave me a tuna can
Then he stopped in his tracks
And he said, "Hey Goat!
Would you like to live with me?
I've got a house with a pick-up truck
In a place across the sea"
I said, "Sure, why not, I've got no family
You seem like a nice guy"
So we went off to America
The home of the apple pie
On the boat, the Old Man told me
I would be a present for his wife
"A talking goat!" he exclaimed,
"She'd never seen this in her life"
I felt so special!
Well, I just couldn't believe it
After all theses years I finally had a friend
He trimmed my beard
He scraped my hooves
I prayed it would never end
But when we got to his house
There was no wife
Only a short, short letter
It said: "I'm leaving you for your broher
Because he fucks me better"
His eyes filled with tears of sadness
His heart was filled with grief
To soothe himself he drank a pint of Old Granddad
And beat me like a side of beef
I screamed, "Send me back to the hills of Europe!"
He just shook his head and said, "Nope!
No one will ever leave me again
To make sure, put on this 3-foot fucking rope."
Present day, I've been on the truck for 51 years
My only friend is the AM radio
Sometimes the neighborhood children stop by
But it's always rocks and beer bottles they throw
At first they're excited to see a talking goat
They gather around to hear what I have to say
But I guess sometimes my stories go ont too long
So they leave and giggle I need a bidet
But you know there was a night that I did get off the truck
When the Old Man was passed out drunk
Three neightborhood kids took me to a rock 'n roll concert
The kind of music, old-school funk
It was the first time I got off the truck
The music made me lose control
The lead singer asked if we were having fun
I said, "Fucking crank that rock 'n roll!"
The women at the show were beautiful
As they danced sexily on the soft grass
One of them even petted my fur
Fuck me in the goat-ass!
Then some long-haired guys grabbed me by the horns
And threw me in the mosh pit
They passed me around and treated me nie
Till I nerviously sprayed them with shit
Then the music stopped
And everything was quite
And all the rock 'n rollers started a fucking goat-riot
Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
They chased me under the bleachers
They chased me onto the street
They chased me into an alley
And said I was a dead fucking goat meat
But then I saw a sight
That I never thought I'd see
The Old Man swinging his hickory stick
But he wasn't swinging at me
"Fuck you, pot-smoking turkeys!
Don't you press your luck!"
The long hairs ran away screaming
As I scrambled onto the truck
When we got home, the Old Man said,
"Goat, you broke the sacred law
No! Please! Sorry! Shit!
I'll let it go this time, but if you leave again
I'll break your fucking jaw!"
Super! Great! Okay!
"Thank you Old Man, for saving my life
Thank you again and again
You could have let them barbeque me,
But you acted like a friend"
"I'm not your friend, I don't even like you
I'm just not drunk," he said
To prove his point, he drank a bottle of grain alcohol
And beat the fucking shit out of my tailbone
And I'll probably never walk straight again
I guess you'd call me a scapegoat
A punching bag for the Old Man to mock
Just because his wife left him
For his brother's abnormally large cock
He could have been my buddy
But instead he's a crazy old fuck
And, once again, I go to sleep in my eternal home
The back of the pick-up truck
Goodnight, Old Man!
And the now the excited southerner orders a meal at his favorite
diner.
Hi, what can I get you today?
Hi, how are you...I was...if you could, tell me, if you...eh,
the chef salad, if it, does it come, if you come... a la carte, if you see the...I
saw the breakfast menu and the, and they got the, and the different entrees
with the dspe-dspe-dspe-dspecials today, and the the and...I'm watching my
weight...diabetic, with the low sodium...if you could broil...i-i-i-instead
of fried, I ya, just, hash browns...I wanted to mix the ketchup with the
may-mayonaise, make my own sauce, if that's, could bring out a separate
plate for that with the chicken, your chicken fried steak...the blue plate
special, does that come with the soup of the day, or-
I'll come back when you're ready.
Hi, [I'm] Dr. Stewart.
Hi, Dr. Stewart. Nice to meet you -- I'm Gary Phelps.
My pleasure. Gary, have you ever been hypnotized before?
No, I haven't. I'm actually quite nervous, but I just, uh, I --
All right, and you were referred to me by anyone...?
To be honest with you,
I saw your name in the Yellow Pages,
and It said you're good at this stuff, so I just,
I gotta give it a shot, just kick this whole cigarette thing...
So smoking is your problem?
Yeah, I can't stop smoking and it's --
it's finally, like, affecting everything I do,
I can't run, I can't play basketball and all that stuff like that, so I,
I gotta give it up.
How long have you smoked, Gary?
Uh, I started when I was eleven years old, and I just can't kick it, you know?
Yeah, right. [small, barely noticeable fart]
All right, Gary, why don't you just have a seat here and sit down and just relax --
what I do is hypnosis.
Right.
Basically I just want you to sit back and relax --
let yourself sit back and relax and sink into the chair, and ,
um, just feel comfortable and trust me.
Uh...
That's it.
O-kay....
That's it.
That was...o-kay...
All right? Okay. Gary, I want you to close your eyes,
and I just want you to again relax and try to concentrate on nothing.
Okay? That's it. Now I'm gonna count backwards from five to zero --
Right.
-- and I just want you to relax, and you're going to fall into a deep state of mind --
of subconsciousness -- you're very comfortable,
I'll be counting back from five, I just want you to relax,
and just think of nothing.
Are you gonna keep doing that, or...?
Hmm? Just concentrate now. That's it.
Close your eyes. Keep your eyes closed. Okay. Now.
We're very comfortable.
Five
, we're thinking of nothing except being comfortable
and nothing's bothering us. Okay.
When I say the word "relax," listen to me, you're sinking, you're sinking,
Oh my god...that was, uh....are you gonna keep doing that?
Please just try to relax; that wasn't me. Okay.
You're very stressed -- you're very stressed.
Okay, four, we're relaxing, we're relaxing, you're very comfortable,
you're very, very soothed. Okay. Four, three...
Oh my dear god, sir...uh, I can't...
That was the couch. I know it sounded like -- it's --
the vinyl -- it's a new couch -- please, just try and concentrate.
Okay. And we're very sleepy, we're relaxed, thinking nothing bothers us,
nothing bothers us --
Uh, um, all right, could you open a window, maybe?
I'm just having a tough time concentrating --
Hmm? Here we go -- there, there, we're relaxing, we're relaxing
three, two, two --
I was just going to ask you if you could maybe stop doing that.
I can't concentrate when you're doing that.
This is what I do. It's a counting-down thing.
We're relaxing now. Just relax -- let it go,
don't focus on anything else, just concentrate on what we're doing here.
Three, two, relax, relax, that's it, just relax
, we're relaxing now --
Okay -- you're gonna -- that one was --
it's getting a little irritating --
Hang on just a second here.
Let me just step out a second here.
That'd be good.
All right, and we're relaxing,
as I leave, we're relaxing, still relaxing,
Jesus...Oh my God.
We're relaxing.
Okay, I'm back, we're relaxing, and we're counting down,
we're to two, and all we're thinking about is healthy, fresh air.
Freshness. Breathing in. Breathing in deep, letting out.
Sir, I'd appreciate if you could stop 'letting it out'.
But okay, okay, fine, thank you.
That's it, you're all right, everything's good.
All right, you feel very comfortable, you're sinking into the chair,
we're relaxing, one
, and we're coming down to zero and --
Oh my god, uh...yes, all right, it was nothing...
No, no, that time that was you.
That wasn't me!
[Dr. Stewart: We're not here to pick sides, we're not here to pick sides, that was you, and maybe we could deal with this in another session, but right now we're dealing with the smoking, and, um, let's not worry about anything else that's going down --
[Gary Phelps: OK, I've just gotta kick this habit.
, we're going to feel very healthy [fart], and let's take a nice, deep breath --
[Gary Phelps: Oh my god -- what did you eat? It smells like baby food --
All right, we're relaxing --
that one probably squirted out a little into the pants,
but we'll just continue with thte floating
yeah, that was definitely a squirt --
but here we go, one, zero, we are under.
Are you relaxed?
Yeah, I'm under, I guess.
Here we go, relaxing, relaxing.
You're under a deep trance, you will not smoke anymore,
you will just feel healthy from now on, and you'll be breathing in nothing
but fresh air, and you will not smell anything in this room, it wasn't me,
it wasn't me farting
-- that was not me --
You're gonna have to stop doing that, sir. It's just very hard for me to listen to you when you're --
You're floating now, you're high above, you're looking down,
nothing but fresh pastures and fields, and here we go
Oh man...
-- that was you,
That was not me, sir! I'm watching you!
That was you, and when you wake up, you will not remember any of this, except that it was you, or my receptionist, don't worry, she gets it all the time. All right -- you smell nothing; I'm perfectly clean. I have no bad gas; it was all from outside or from -- from -- you yourself. And let's not forget the smoking thing that's why you're here. No smoking. Repeat after me: I am a smelly pig.
What?
All right, we're moving along, and we;'re relaxed. [fart]
All right, and now we're going to count back up, up one to five,
OK, you know, I think this is fine, I don't want to smoke...
Gary, settle down, relax, and when I get to five,
you will snap out of this, and you won't remember this,
especially the smell, the smell was from you.
All right? And here we go.
Zero, we're coming out of it, you're waking up slowly, your eyes are opening,
one, you're feeling good, and when you wake up,
you'll feel wide awake and perfect you'll feel whole and
all-righty,
I ripped that one out there and I apologize.
I ripped a good one there. That was a nice out..
That was not nice.
Here we go, and, we're coming right [fart]
What was that?
That was three.
It didn't sound like three.
three, I'm counting, and four, it's no smell in here, and you don't smoke, you don't want a cigarette, no, and here we go [fart] five, and -- [snap] Do you want a cigarette?
No I don't.
Then my job is done.
Please leave the door open as you leave. [fart]
Put on your yarmulke
Its time for Chanukah
So much funnaka
To celebrate Chanukah
Chanukah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents
We get eight crazy nights
When you feel like the only kid in town
Without a Christmas tree
Here's a new list of people who are Jewish
Just like you and me
Winona Ryder,
Drinks Manischewitz wine
Then spins a draydle with Ralph Lauren and Calvin Klein
Guess who gives and receives
Loads of Chanukah toys
The girls from Veruca Salt and all three Beastie Boys
Lenny Kravitz is half Jewish,
Courtney Love is half too
Put them together
What a funky bad ass Jew
We got Harvey Keitel
And flash dancer Jennifer Beals
Yasmine Bleeth from Baywatch is Jewish
And yes her boobs are real
Put on your yarmulka
Its time for Chanukah
2 time Ocsar winning Dustin Hoffmanaka
celebrates Chanukah
O.J. Simpson
Still not a Jew
But guess who is,
The guy who does the voice for Scooby Doo
Bob Dylan was born a Jew
Then he wasn't
but now he's back,
Mary Tyler Moore's husband is Jewish
'Cause we're pretty good in the sack.
Guess who got bar-mitzvahed
On the PGA tour
No I'm not talking about Tiger Woods
I'm talkin' about Mr. Happy Gilmore.
So many Jews are in the show biz
Bruce Springsteen isn't
But my mother thinks he is.
Tell the world-amanaka
It's time for Chanukah
It's not pronounced Ch-nakah
The C is silent in Chanukah
So get your hooked on phonica
Get drunk in Tijuanaka
If you really really wannaka
Have a happy happy happy happy Chanukah!
"Hey man, I'm joining a religious cult."
"Now, that's ridiculous."
"Well, I'm joining it, so you gotta sign up too."
"What are you talking about?"
"Hey, don't fuck me on this, man, just sign up."
"No, I'm not going to join a cult!"
"I can't believe you're pulling this shit on me after Monday night --"
"What?
"-- I wanted to watch Monday Night Football
and you wanted to watch that other show and we watched your show --
I did that for you!"
"Yeah, well, you kept flippin' back to the game."
"I WANTED TO SEE THE FUCKIN' SCORE!
Whadda you gotta do that's so fucking importnat you can't join the religious cult with me?"
"Well, I was gonna go sunbathing."
"Oh, boy, no no, I don't think you should do that.
Because this guy, Russell -- he's the leader-guy of the cult --"
"-- yeah --"
"-- he was rambling on during one of the speeches
about the sun being bad, like the beast can't come out
because the sun's too bright and the sun hurts his eyes or something --
you show up all sunburned and that guy's gonna get pissed at you and me!"
"Well, I'm not in the cult, so I don't have to worry about pissing the leader guy off!"
"Look, I'm -- starting to believe in some of the stuff the cult guy's been saying --
some of it makes a lot of sense!
"Well, good, but I don't want to join the cult.
We can still hang out; I just won't be in it with you."
"The point is, I'm not gonna have time to hang out with you because I'm gonna be fuckin' busy with this fuckin' cult!"
"So I'll visit on weekends -- we'll work it out."
"No, the weekends are like the busiest time --
that's when we go to flea malls and fuckin' malls and talk people into joining, man!"
"Can I join for just a little while?
I told my dad I'd go visit him in Florida in three weeks."
"Well, just, we'll ask then, but we gotta join now."
"What's the hurry?"
"There's a girl I wanna meet there, what the fuck's your problem?"
"Well, I mean I don't really have to believe in this stuff, do I?"
"No, no, just fuckin' tell everybody you believe in this shit -- when they say the sun sucks, go,
"Yeah, fuck the sun, I fuckin' hate it too, long live the fuckin' beast."
"I don't know, man. This is crazy."
"Look, they're gonna give you clothers, a free haircut, you're gonna get food --"
"-- it's not gonna be one of those weird haircuts, is it?"
"It's gonna be a haircut, all right?
You said you need a haircut, they're gonna fuckin' cut your hair.
You're going in, saving twelve bucks, just fuckin' do it!"
"Do you think the hot girl has a friend for me?"
"Yeah, sure, and if she doesn't, she'll go out and recruit one for you!"
"Well, all right. But, hey, if I don't like it, I'm going to escape, man."
"OK, that's up to you."
"The night time is the right time!
The night time is the right time!"
"Hey buddy, are you glad you did this?"
"Oh, this is the best thing I ever did. Thank you."
"You're not mad at them making you, uh, kill your father, are you?"
"You know, it's like they said. It was the only way to save him."
"You're a good guy."
Hanging with my sweet amour
She came out with a lion's roar
Yelling, "I'm going to the corner store,
Be back at quarter to four"
"Don't slam your pinkies in the drawer"
She can be like a maiden from the days of yore
Hanging out at Studio 54
Break dancing on the slick brick disco floor
With Lionel Richie
Who, by the way, was a Commodore
One time she gave mouth-to-mouth to a snaggle tooth boar
Who couldn't breat right since the Vietnam War
Then she played Chinese Checkers with Skeletor
And went camping with Eva Gabor
She's my sweet Beatrice
She's my sweet Beatrice
She's my sweet Beatrice
And she's coming home
I got a picture of her down by the seashore
Wearing a bikini made of purple velour
Her hair's up like Conway Twitty's pompadour
With the smile of Guy LeFleur
She got the ups and downs like an elevator
But deep inside she's a marshmellow smore
Can bake a cake as big as Jupitor
Either or, Neithor nor
She'll share it with your Labrador
She can run faster than a blazing meteor
Loves Winnie the Pooh and his friend Eeyore
Can make a pipe out of an apple core
That's a trick she learned from Roberto Parrish
Down in Ecuador
You know why?
She's my sweet Beatrice
She's my sweet Beatrice
She's my sweet Beatrice
And she's coming home
Well, for sure she opened the door
Whipped out a 3-ft fishing lure
Sexually, that made me insecure
Like the time I was a roadie
On Elton John's tour
She said, "Let's go catch some Piscatore!"
I said, "Beatrice, you don't eat fish no more."
She said, "By God, you're right!"
So we took ourselves a snore
And when we woke up 10 hours later
We made Love Du Jour
She's my sweet Beatrice
She's my sweet Beatrice
She's my sweet Beatrice
And she came home
She likes to clean out the attic every now and then
She's gonna knit me a brand new golfing bag
We gonna watch ourselves a John Wayne movie
Then we gonna free all the doggies at the kennel
She gonna try on my third grade mittens
She'll keep 'em on even though they're way too small
Well, she ain't never gonna hurt me
She ain't never gonna let me down
She ain't never gonna tell nobody
I'm afraid of birds and spiders
Well, Bea-bea-bea-beatrice
Bea-bea-bea-beatrice
Bea-bea-bea-beatrice
Bea-bea-bea-beatrice
Bea-bea-bea-beatrice
Bea-bea-bea-beatrice
6 What's the matter honey, are you not feeling well?
It's okay, Momma will take care of you
Not really sick, but don't you know I still say I am
Dad just mumbles, "There goes my girlie son acting up again"
How could you be my kid
Mom knows I'm faking it
But she understands what'll happen if I go
The last four days
The tough guys have been on a roll
They show him no mercy
Plenty of name calling
And pushing my head in the toilet bowl
They call him a loser
But they won't get their hands on me today
'Cuz home with Momma is where I'm gonna stay
We're pickin' daisies
Who cares about them anyway
Pickin' daisies
They'll all be working for you someday
Pickin' daisies
They're just jealous of you
Pickin' daisies
Next year you'll go to private school
Can't play sports or games
I'm only really good at reading
He can't catch a football
Apparently that's not too cool
That's why my nose is usually bleeding
Plus they give him fat lips
At this time yesterday, my underwear was over my head
But I'll be safe today, I know 'cuz Momma said
We're pickin' daisies
Who really cares what they think
Pickin' daisies
You should talk about it with your shrink
Pickin' daisies
They'll all end up in jail
Pickin' daisies
Marshall's is having a sale
I know tommorrow it'll all start up again
He'll be greeted with a head-lock
And all I can do is sit and pray for the weekend
But I know when I'm older
I'll look back and laugh
At all those kids who pulled my pants down
And took that photograph
'Cuz we'll be through with kickball
We'll all be weak and slow
But I will be the only one
With a magic place to go
Pickin' daisies
You're better off in the end
Pickin' daisies
Who cares, I'll be your friend
Pickin' daisies
You can always count on me
Pickin' daisies
I made you some iced tea
Pickin' daisies
Dasies
Pickin' daisies
Dasies
Pickin' daisies
Dasies
Pickin' daisies
Dasies
Pickin' daisies
You are too very handsome, just not in a traditional way
When I was a kid, we didn't have video games, we had pinball, but I could learn
Well, they're just upset that they don't have earmuffs
You can come to aerobics class with me and wathc, all the ladies love you
Who needs brand name shirts? Yours is the same thing without a fancy tag
"Can you pass the beats please?"
"Here you go"
"Thanks"
"Hey Mom, guess what?
I got invited to a party tonight!
And I'm gonna go if that's ok with you."
"NOOO!!"
"Why not Mom?"
"Yeah, why mom? He should go."
"It's gonna be fun. I'll get to meet new people..."
"They're all gonna laugh at you!"
"Oh mom..."
"They're all gonna laugh at you!"
"Don't wory Brad."
"Hey mom, I saw this great skirt at the mall today,
but it was $34, which isn't that high of a price,
but I was nervous to buy it.
What do you think?
"NOOO!!"
"Really? I really like it..."
"They're all gonna laugh at you!"
"Oh mom, who is?"
"They're all gonna laugh at you!"
"Mom, you're so paranoid."
"NOOO!!"
"Hey mom, I gotta get up pretty early tommorrow for Little League try-outs."
"NOOO!!"
"Yeah, I have to be at the field at 9 o'clock..."
"They're all gonna laugh at you!"
"Do you think you could drop me off there?..."
"They're all gonna laugh at you!"
"How am I gonna get there?"
"They're all gonna laugh at you!"
"I'll walk I guess."
"NOOO!!"
"Mom, can you pass the salad dressing?"
"NOOO!!"
"Please?"
"NOOO!!"
"Come on, mom."
"NOOO!!"
"I'll get it for you Cindy."
"Thanks Brad."
"They're all gonna laugh at you!"
"Thanks for the tip, Ma."
"They're all gonna laugh at you!"
"Hey everyone, let's just go out for ice cream."
"NOOO!!"
"Why are we eating inside?
It's a beautiful night.
We need to get out more."
"NOOO!!"
"Mother, Brad is right."
"NOOO!!"
"We should go out, it'll be fun."
"NOOO!!"
"Come on, let's go, I could go for some Maple Walnut."
"They're all gonna laugh at you!"
"Yeah, we haven't gone out together in a long time."
"NOOO!!"
"You wanna come Dave?"
"NOOO!!"
"No, I'll hang out with mom."
"You sure?"
"They're all gonna laugh at you!"
"Yeah, go without me."
"All right, see you guys later."
"They're all gonna laugh at you!"
"How are you, mom? Great meal tonight. Sure is...
You sure know how to cook!
Boy, oh boy, you're quite a lady.
Say mom, uhm, can I go canoeing next weekend with my friend Barry?"
"NOOO!!"
"Please?"
"They're all gonna laugh at you!"
"Mom, you're over reacting!"
"They're all gonna laugh at you!"
"Why are you so overprotective!?"
"They're all gonna laugh at you!"
"Mom! I'm going to the ice cream place!
You're just so set in your ways it drives me crazy!"
"They're all gonna laugh at you!"
"Hey pal! How ya doin?"
"I'm so wasted, man."
"Yeah, you are, oh ho ho!"
"Thanks man."
"It's good party, huh?"
"Oh, it's great man."
"Hey that's some good acid, huh?"
"Oh, killer man."
"Hey, my pleasure."
"I've never been higher."
"Oh ho, you must be freaking out."
"Acid's great man."
"It's the best."
"Everytime I do acid man, I'm so high."
"Yeah, oh, you must be flipping out right now."
"This is the best acid, man."
"What are you seein, man?"
"Oh, I, that cloud up there, man."
"Whoa"
"It's got a vein in it."
"Oh-Holy Cow! Really!?"
"And it's bleeding on me, man."
"It's bleeding on ya? Well watch out!"
"Look at my hand, man."
"Yeah?"
"It-It's moving, but it's not moving."
"It's not?"
"It's still there, but it looks like it's moving."
"Hey, yeah to you it is."
"I'm so high."
"Yeah, you must be flipping out."
"I'm flipping out off it."
"Hallucinations, man."
"Acid..right."
"Hey, I got some news fer ya."
"I'm seeing stuff, man."
"Yeah, yer seeing stuff."
"RIght."
"Well, that's what happens when you take acid, but you know what?"
"What man?"
"Uhhh, that really wasn't acid.
That was just a little piece of paper I ripped off of my notebook."
"Wha? It's probly this weed I'm smokin', man."
"Oh, that weed."
"That Thai bud, man."
"Whoa."
"Everything's hilarious."
"That's funny man. Look at that guy."
"That's funny man."
"Look at that guy's hat man."
"Everything's funny to me, man."
"Right. Hey, how man bones didya smoke? A few joints, man?"
"I had about four."
"Whoa, that's a lot of bones to be smokin', man."
"The whole thing's man."
"Yeah, you sucked 'em down yerself."
"Ain't that hilarious!?"
"You didn't wanna share, didja?"
"It was great stuff, man."
"Aww, yeah, hey I got some news on that stuff too."
"Hey what man?"
"That's the stuff I sold you, right?
"Yeah, right."
"Yeah"
"It's funny, man."
"Well, well, uh.."
"I'm wasted off it, man."
"Yeah, well that's good. You smoked it, right?"
"Right."
"Well that really wans't weed."
"No it wasn't, it was pencil shavings in a bag."
"Yeah."
"Well, it's probably this beer.
This beer I'm drinking, man. I must be drunk off it or something.
Ya know, I had about eighteen of them, man."
"Whoa, oh really!?"
"I'm just..wasted off 'em."
"That's a lot of beer for a man to drink."
"Man, I gotta pea pretty soon, man."
"You didn't dump 'em out in the woods, didja?"
"No..no..no.. I drank all of them."
"Right, yeah. I saw you..that's good. Hey didja eat today?"
"No, I'm on an empty stomach."
"Whoa, you must be ..yea.. extra buzz for you."
"..And that's why I'm so wasted off it man, it's like I'm seeing things, man."
"Yeah, you can hardly stand, man."
"You should take my car keys, cuz I can't drive, man."
"Right, right."
"I can barely walk."
"Hey man, you better open those eyes up, they're half shut."
"There's two of you, man. I can't see anymore, man, I'm blind!"
"Right.. I got the beers, huh? I'm the man, right?"
"Yeah, you are the man."
"Say it. Say I'm the man."
"Yer da man!!"
"Okay, well that beer.."
"Yeah?"
"There was no alcohol in that beer."
"That was non-alcoholic.
So..uhh..again, I'm gonna have to bust you on this one.
You're lying."
"I'll be right back."
"Ok, buddy, you go sober up."
"Oh my God! He killed himself! He killed himself!"
"Oh my God! You killed yerself, buddy."
"Yeah, I'm dead, man."
"Oh my, oh yer dead."
"Yeah, I'm dead, man."
"That is awefull."
"There's a big white light and everything, man."
"Yeah! Well you showed us all, man."
"Oh man, I'm so peaceful here man."
"Yeah, you see anything weird, or.."
"My relatives, man, a big white light, and my grandfather's there and.."
"Ooooh, I remember him, he's a good guy."
"He's still wearing the same clothes, and.."
"Hey, say hello fer me, huh?"
"Hey man, Joe says hi, man."
"Right."
"It's yeah..My uncle's here and..."
"Right..right.. Hey I got some news for ya. This is so funny."
"Yeah? What, man?"
"Yeah, yeah, before you go, up to heaven.
The gun, you killed yerself with, that's the one I sold you, right?"
"Yeah."
"Yeah, well that was a cap gun.
So, there's no way you could have killed yourself."
"Yeah, that's right, ok.. I'm going back to the party. Ok, take care."
"I'm moving to a different town man."
"Oh this beer is great, man.
This tequila is really strong, man.
It's got a worm, and everything in it, man."
"Fuckin' shit!"
"All being in the sun, you're even more wasted.
Fuckin' shit is right, man!
I am totally wasted now, man.
I should maybe get an umbrella or something and go in the shade."
"I know a guy who can suck his own dick."
"Yeah, I know a guy who can do that too.
He's the drummer from Molly Hatchet and one night we had two cases of Southern Comfort, man.
We were so wasted off it.
"This is a song..."
"This is uhh, This is a new song..."
"It's through the eyes of one of the greatest people alive, I feel..."
"The Lunchlady"
Woke up in the morning
Put on my new plastic glove
Served some reheated salisbury steak
With a little slice of love
Got no clue what the chicken pot pie is made of
Just know everything's doing fine
Down here in Lunchlady Land
Well I wear this net on my head
'Cause my red hair is fallin' out
I wear these brown orthopedic shoes
'Cause I got a bad case of the gout
I know you want seconds on the corndogs
But there's no reason to shout
Everybody gets enough food
Down here in Lunchlady Land
Well yesterday's meatloaf is today's sloppy joes
And my breath reeks of tuna
And there's lots of black hairs coming out of my nose
In Lunchlady Land your dreams come true
Clouds made of carrots and peas
Mountains built of shepherds pie
And rivers made of macaroni and cheese
But don't forget to return your trays
And try to ignore my gum disease
No student can escape the magic of Lunchlady Land
Hoagies & grinders, hoagies & grinders
Hoagies & grinders, hoagies & grinders
Navy beans, navy beans, navy beans
Hoagies & grinders, hoagies & grinders
Navy beans, navy beans
Meatloaf sandwich
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe
Well I dreamt one morning
That I woke up to see
All the pepperoni pizza
Was a-looking at me
It screamed, why do you burn me
And serve me up cold
I said I got the spatula
Just do what you're told
Then the liver & onions
Started joining the fight
And the chocolate pudding
Pushed me with all its might
And the chop suey slapped me
And it kicked me in the head
It's called revenge Lunchlady
Said the garlic bread
I said what did I do
To make you all so mad
They said you got flabby arms
And your breath is bad
Then the green beans said
You better run and hide
But then my friend sloppy joe came
And joined my side
He said if it wasn't for the Lunchlady
The kids wouldn't eatcha
You should be shakin' her hand
And sayin' please to meet ya
She gives you a purpose
And she gives you a goal
You should be kissin' her feet
And kissin' her mole
Now all the angry foods
Just leave me alone
And we all live together
In a happy home
Thanks to
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe
Well me & sloppy joe got married
We got six kids and we're doing' just fine
Why'd you wake me from my nap?
I'm not in the mood
To play your games
Or sit on your lap
Where's my Yankees drinking glass?
I want some juice
And I want it now
So you better move your ass
And feel bad for me
'Cuz I'm just getting over a cold
I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
Somebody better tie my shoes!
I run down the hall
I scream and I yell
And I cry 'cuz I fell
Bring the rubbing alcohol
Outside
I get mud on my shoe
I come back in the house
I get it on the rug
The cleanging's up to you
And I won't take a bath
Unless you make me Spaghetti-O's
I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
Mommy reads to me at night
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Well
I can't have a job
And I can't go to school
If no grownups are around
I can't go near the pool
I'm not alowed to climb
My neighbor's apple tree
I'm not allowed to sit
Too close to the TV
I don't know how to drive
And I don't know how to spell
But if I hear my brother cursing
I do know how to tell
'Cuz he made me eat some bread
That was covered in mold
I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
When I was a young man
I didn't like to dance
I was shy
I'd stand against the wall all night
I'd never take a chance
So afraid
I wouldn't get on that dance floor
Unless I was really drunk
10 shots
But I found a place where the stars hang out
And they taught me how to funk
Real nasty
It ain't too far away
It's just on the edge of town
Nearby
But be ready when you get there
'Cause these folks don't fuck around
You can
Rub your belly with Liza Minelli
Covered in jelly, you're gonna rub your belly
Jiggle your droopy balls with singin' Lou Rawis
Bounce off the walls, then jiggle them droopy balls
Grind your hips with the blond guy from CHIPS
Lick your lips
Stroke it clean with Martin Sheen
It's fucking obscense
Clench your ass-cheeks tight with sexy grandma Betty White
You'll see the light when your sphincter's tight
If you don't know how to move
Just feel the groove
And dance
Like you just shit your pants
Spin like a little girl
With cross-dressing Milton Berle
Just give it a whirl, pretend you're a little girl
Wave that juicy weeno with legendary Al Pacino
Wave your weeno, even more obsceno
Knock back a drink with Colonel Klink
Piss in the sink
Bounce your beef with Omar Sharif
What a relief
Ring the disco bell with ice cream wizard Tommy Carvel
Tommy Carvel gonna make your dink swell
Then spew all over the room
With Mr. Jeffry Goldblum
And dance
Like you just shit your pants
Mr. Belvedere
Fatty Fatty
Finger in his own rear
Bernard King
Basketball, basketball
Showing off his ding-a-ling
Swimming Mark Spitz
Moustache, moustache
Playing with his hairy tits
Big Earl Weaver, Tommy Seaver
Both of them got the boogie fever
Shit your pants
You can
Do the hustle with seven-footer Billy Russell
Do the fucking hustle, jerking your love muscle
Shake your big, round ass with the ghost of Mama Cass
Blast from the past, the ghost of Mama Cass
Dry-hump the floor with Mary Tyler-Moore
Pump it sore
Squeeze your nipple like baldy Mr. Whipple
Drink some Ripple
Give it a hearty whack with TV great Victor Tayback
When you give it a whack, don't hurt the nut-sack
So if the thought of grooving is bringing you down
Come to the funkiest place in town
The stars will show you how to move
And dance
You don't mind that I think everybody's a robot and all my conversations are being recorded
And you don't mind that all of my pants are way too short on me
and I also stabbed someone with a pair of scissors a long time ago (ha-ha-ha)
And you don't care that I collect dead animals from the side
of the road then pretend they're alive and think I'm a famous football player
And you don't have a problem with me
when I follow people I've never met before and force them to look
at the portrait of Neil Diamond I have tattooed on my back
It's very pretty, baby
Well you must have been sent from above
You're all that I can think of
You're just as psychotic as me
My crazy love
Well it never bothers you when I wear my snowsuit
to bed every night and I make you speak in tongues to me until I fall asleep
Blah bloo blah bloo bloo
Thank you
And you don't make fun of me 'cause I still make out
with my stepfather and I also tell everyone I was on a UFO
for two and a half years
I believe you sugarpie
'Cause our love is right on track
I'm yours, your mine it's a fact
Don't forget to take your Prozac
My crazy love
Well yesterday I tickled a man who wasn't even there
Oh three days before that I ran down the street in my
Wonder Woman underwear
I didn't care Babe I know I never had a job 'cause I'm afraid
to talk to people 'cause I know that they're all robots who are seeking information
They can't fool you sweetheart
And I know that you know that I'm the one who burned my cousin
Chester's house to the ground but you told the cops we were out
ballroom dancing when the came and questioned you
I ain't no fink, dollface
'Cause we know that it's true
Only I could love you
We both eat with our hands
My crazy love
My crazy, crazy love
Oh I wish everybody was dead except for you, baby
I feel the same way Would you throw some macaroni on me?
Put your arms around me baby
Can't you see I need you so
Hold me close against your skin
I'm about to begin
Lovin' you
Spit on your hand and stroke my cock
At a medium pace
Play with my balls and tell me
How big they are
Honey, rub your beaver
Up and down my face
Sit on the corner of the bed
And watch me whack off
You see that shampoo bottle
Now stick it up my ass
Push it in and out
At a medium pace
Talk about your old boyfriend's dick
And how big it was
Now shave off my pubes
And punch me in the face
Whoa darlin'
Make me push my dick and balls
Back between my legs
Call me an ugly woman
And take my picture to show
All the people you work with
Now pull up my scrotum
And take the shampoo bottle
Out of my ass
Pretend I'm the pizza delivery guy
And watch me whack off
Strap on a dildo
And make me give you head
Tell me to slow down
And do it at a medium pace
I feel so humiliated
I'm about to blow my load
You tell me it's time to make love
But now I can't
'Cause I spewed all over myself
Then you look into my eyes
And you realize
How much I enjoy lovin' you
I'm so sorry I spunked on my stomach
Oh yeah here comes osama bin laden down the street from his grave in Iran
to send his chramed mummy muslim curse across the Atlantic seas towards
singers: The Peeper, The Peeper, whats goin' through his head? woah!
[Leaves rusteling]
Peeper: Climin' the tree. slowly. quietly. lookin' for next branch. found it. got it. windo high. great view. settelin' in. keepin' it quiet. hidden. heart pounding through chest. waiting. lookin' around. nervous. lights on, jackpot, here she is. oh my. no pants. classey. not to tight. walkin around the room. no idea Im here. lovin' it. Rubbin her feet. tough day. relaxin'. hops off bed, goin twards bathroom. shuttin' the door. alone again... waiting. lookin' around. board. pullin' out nippel clips. Painful! ow... but these are a bit.
[door opening]
Bathroom door opens. lovin' it. oooh my.... hairs in a pony tale. she picks up the tv clicker. click
[tv makes noises]
sittin' back. watchin. watchin' her watch. lovin it.
[giggling]
she laughs. ha ha ha. I laugh. oh yea. sharin a moment.
[dog panting]
theres a dog. not good.
[sniffing]
he can smell me. should've shoured.
[barking]
barkin. wont leave. oh no, here she comes. stayin motionless. fuckin' dogs loosin it.
[window open]
girl: Bud! you be quiet and go home like a good boy.
[dog stops barking and walks off]
Peeper: dosnt see me. she's gorgous. Im grotesque.
[knock]
Peeper: knock at front door! she goes to answer!
[door opens]
Peeper: Its him.... chizzeled features.. they kiss. Im fuming. also hard. hatin' myself. sniffin fingers.
woman: ohhh...
Peeper: she moans! ohhhh! I moan. He looks up. busted. should not have moaned...
[footsteps]
Peeper: he walks toword windo. muscular
man: this guy. gotta be fuckin kiddin me
Peeper: full of rage. looking right at me.
man: theres a guy in the tree out here.
Peeper: full of shame.
woman: are you serious?
Peeper: completely worthless. hard as a rock.
man: I see you shit head! well the cops are comin you sick fuck! and if you even think of runnin away Ill bash your fuckin' skull with a lead pipe!
Peeper: stayin still. motionless. pretending to be a squirrel.
[squirrel noises]
[dialing]
Peeper: not working. shes calling. dreams shattered
[talking]
Peeper: ultamate humiliation.
[squirt]
Peeper: ejaculating.
man: AWWW!!! YOU GROSS PIG! YOUR A PIECE OF SHIT YA KNOW THAT!
Peeper: yes I do... cant help myself.
[car pulling up and door opening]
cop: L.A.P.D. get down from the tree buddy.
[squirrel noises]
Peeper: trying the squirrel thing again. looking for a nut.
cop: I said get down from there!
Peeper: down I go...
[Slam, slam, slam, slam]
Peeper: Oh!
woman: I hope they put you im for a long time! you need some serious help you ass hole!
Peeper walking away: I know I do... Its an addiction
cop: lets go big guy, c'mon
Peeper: wifes going to kill me.
cop: dont be doing this shit mr... nippel clips.
[Peeper slamming into cp car seat]
Peeper: handcuffed... cant sniff fingers...
[door slams and engine warms up]
Peeper: please piss on me...
cop: yea, this is officer Tyler, everythings under controle.
Peeper: PLEASE piss on me? If somebody could piss on me, that would be great.
Yeah
If I____ I get to know your name
If I____ could trace your private number baby
All I know is to me you look like you're lots of fun,
Open up 'em loving arms I want someone
I set my sights on you
(And no one else well do)
And I____ I got to have my way now baby
All I____ know is to me you look like you're lots of fun,
Open up 'em loving arms, watch out here I come
You spin me right round baby right round
Like a record baby right round, round, round
You spin me right round baby right round
Like a record baby right round, round, round
And I____ I got to be your friend
And I____ would like to moving in a little bit closer
All I know is to me you look like you're lots of fun,
Open up 'em loving arms, watch out here I come
You spin me right round baby right round
Like a record baby right round, round, round
You spin me right round baby right round
Like a record baby right round, round, round
I want your love________ I want your love ove_________
All I know is to me you look like you're lots of fun,
Open up 'em loving arms, watch out here I come
You spin me right round baby right round
You spin me right round baby right round
Like a record baby right round, round, roundLike a record baby right round, round, round
Hey there Mr. Leaf Blower Man
Keep it down for goodness sake
It's way too early in the morning
Can't you please use your wooden rake?
You choose to ignore I
Even though me hungover
That's not being nice
So tonight, your head will be covered in lice
Voodoo spell on you
Voodoo Voodoo
You shouldn't have given that dirty stare
Voodoo Voodoo
Too late for sorry, go cut off your hair
Hey there old, old woman
Shopping for food at the store
Why'd you run your cart into I
And knock me eggs on the floor
Then took the last unbruised cantelope
And laughed so loud with glee
But you won't be laughing
'Cuz from now on it'll burn when you pee
Voodoo spell on you
Voodoo Voodoo
You couldn't have made I any madder
Voodoo Voodoo
That's why I put a curse on your bladder
Boodaloo Boodalay
Boodalee Boodalie
Are the words that he say
When you fuck with I
Voodoo
Hey there Mr. State Trooper
Me was only going 58
Please don't you write up that ticket
It'll ruin me insurance rate
You say you have a quota to meet
So straight to hell with I
Me have only one response
Boodalee Boodalie
Voodoo spell on you
Voodoo Voodoo
You cost I 80 dollars cash
Voodoo Voodoo
Hey, alright, gather round,
The Taliban is here!
What bombs do you want?
I got big bombs, little bombs,
Cos I'm the Taliban,
Who can take Osama,
And hide him all around?
Run away an' hide,
When the bombs are fallin' down,
The Taliban, (the Taliban)
Yes the Taliban can, (the Taliban can)
The Taliban can cos they mix a lotta nuts and screw the world real good,
(screw the world real good)
They tipple their own country,
And keep their people down,
And muster up a place to hide their damn Bid Laden crown,
The Taliban, (the Taliban)
Yes the Taliban can, (the Taliban can)
The Taliban can cos they mix a lotta nuts and screw the world real good,
The Taliban takes,
The opium they make
And turn it into their own riches,
Oh, but they don't ever get their wishes,
We're gonna bomb those sons of bitches!
Just wait until tomorrow, (until tomorrow)
We're gonna make 'em scream, (gonna make 'em scream)
Drop all their bombs and destroy all of their dreams,
You know that we can, (you know that we can)
Yes, you know that we can, (yes, you know that we can)
You know that we can destroy the Taliban and make the world real good,
(make the world real good)
You know that we can destroy the Taliban and make the world real good,
(make the world real good)
You know that we can destroy the Taliban and make the world real good,
Welcome my son to your very first day
So proud to be the one who brought you this way
I love you with all my heart
And my love is here to stay
But I can't help worrying will you eventually smoke weed?
Soon enough you'll be walking
You and me hand in hand
The silly words you'll be talkin'
Only daddy can understand
We'll go out making snowmen
Building castles in the sand
And all the time I'm thinking, will this kid end up smoking' weed?
But time keeps on going
And you keep on growin'
You're now six years old
You're getting so good at your spellin'
But my mind is always dwellin'
On the fact that you could be the kind of guy
Who grows up and needs to smoke weed on the couch
All the time
All the time
So answer me this while you're lying in your little bed
Why must you insist on bein' such a fuckin' pothead?
There's other things in life
That can make you feel good
But you just keep on smoking' your herb
You can't get enough of your precious, precious reefer
Where you getting all this money
holy shit, this boat is sweet uncle donnie.
It must be fast and shit.
This fucking boat's got more balls then the fuckin celtic's lockeroom.
yeah but it musta cost you like 50 Gs or something.
One might think that but guess what? It didn't cost me jack shit.
What do you mean?
I stole it out of a winter storage parking lot.
No fucking way! You shitten me?
Yeah, paintjob, change of the license and bingo here we are sunny times.
Oh yeah, the sun is extra fucking hot, I had to stop drinking or I was gonna
pass out.
Put on your yamukah
Here comes Hannukah
So much funnukah
To celebrate Hannukah
Hannukah is: the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents
We have eight crazy nights
When you feel like the only kid in town
Without a Christmas tree
Here's a list of people who are Jewish
Just like you and me:
David Lee Roth
Lights the menorah
So do James Caan, Kirk Douglas
And the late Dinah Shorah
Guess who eats together at
The Carnegie Deli?
Bowser from Sha-Na-Na
And Arthur Fonzarelli!
Paul Newman's half Jewish
And Goldie Hawn's half, too
Put them together,
What a fine looking Jew!
You don't need Deck the Halls
Or Jingle Bell Rock,
'Cause you can spin a dreidel
With Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock! [both Jewish]
Put on your yamukah
It's time for hannukah
The owner of the seattle supersonica
Celebrates Hannukah
O.J. Simpson
[not a Jew]
But guess who is?
Hall of Famer Rod Carew. [He converted]
We got Ann Landers,
And her sister Dear Abby,
Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish
Not too shabby
Some people think
That Ebenezer Scrooge is
Well, he's not, but guess who is --
All three Stooges!
So many Jews are in show biz
Tom Cruise isn't, but I heard his agent is!
Tell your friend Veronica
It's time to celebrate Hannukah
I hope I get a harmonica
On this lovely, lovely Hannukah
So drink your Gin and tonica
And smoke your marijuanica
If you really, really wannaca
Have a happy happy, happy happy Hannukah
Jabawokee ding dong
Slip slap slee
Dipstick paddywhack
Pee pee googalee gee
Polly wolly sling slang
Skooey dibbely doo
Wing wong ping pong King Kong Cheech 'n Chong
Hop hip kagagoogoo
Hickory dickory slickory flip flap
Dip skip to my Lou
Flim flam wham blam Sam bam Cunningham
Whack snack koochie koochie koo
Plus you gotta dip, you gotta doodle
You gotta eat Grandma's stroodle
'Cause she stayed up all night to make it from scratch
You gotta gish, you gotta gash
You gotta wax Grandma's mustache
And lay out her socks
To make sure they match
Whoa, you gotta help out your Grandma
Slappety dappety sling skism skasm
Bing bang boo
A yip, a yap, a snippety snap
Walla, walla scrappy dappy doo
Piddle paddle fiddle faddle widdle waddle
Awhee clunkety clang
A plop, a fizz, a whackety whiz
Chitty chitty bang wang lang
Zippity doo dang lipidee ay
Oompa loompa doo
A piggly wiggly dooda
Stinky winky linky foo man choo
Plus you gotta dip, you gotta doodle
You gotta shave Grandma's poodle
'Cause Grandma would do the same for you
You gotta libby, you gotta labby
You gotta hug Grandma, even though she's flabby
'Cause you should know Grandma's are people too
Whoa, you gotta love your Grandma
Now if you listened to the words of this song
You know they're coming straight from the heart
Never make fun of your Grandma
Even when she rips a juicy fart
And remember to dip you gotta doodle
You gotta stop playing with your noodle
'Cause Grandma said it will make you go blind
You gotta gipper, you gotta giper
You gotta change Grandma's diaper
And then pretend that you really didn't mind
Yo it's 2004 and all you candy asses thinkin ya'll real pussies
ya'll ain't seen shit yet
eh yo man let em know
Oh yeah, guess who's back
it's the mother fuckin pussy with the little nutsack
don't care about cheddar or the paper chase
i'm a fuckin grown man with zits on my face
a straight up chicken shit
a pansy ass punk
If i'm if i'm guarding your ass it's an automatic slam dunk
while thugs are at the party bustin all ya'lls asses
I'm hidin in the corner wonderin where the fuck's my glasses
Can't afford no rims my
my fuckin dick's so small no bitch can suck it
I don't pop 9's i got weak rhymes
back in 9 duce i got pissed on 10 times
I roll solo i ain't got no clue
i said please don't hit me more than a cow says moo
afraid of heights i'm a-scared in the dark
i walk an extra 3 miles to avoid crazy fucks in the park
denied by the bloods, turned down by the crypts
my fuckin auntie kicked my ass and she got 2 plastic hips
when i step to the club feel free to stare me down
because I just got re-elected the mayor of pussytown
May-or-of-pus-sy-town
When bangers hit the street i stay home and watch tv
slumped out on the couch so no one can see
unless I hear somebody knockin on my door
then you'll see me crawlin cross the mother fuckin floor
i've been a fuckin coward every day of my life,
that's why I pretend I don't know everyone's banging my wife
i won't sit on the porch, i don't want no trouble
i'm more afraid of goin out than the fuckin boy in a bubble
when the shit goes down i make a break so fast
look like a mother fuckin rocket goin past
searchin for the sneakiest place to hide
straight into the ladies room, ain't got no pride
slippin slidin, runnin hidin
you know damn well it's a scooter i'm ridin
oh no here we go, out come the glocks
i take off so fast i pop out my socks
you gonna fuck with me, i'll cry then run
i called the cops when i got shot with a fuckin squirt gun
He clams up he shuts down
His pants he almost shits
He'll even look the other way if you grab his grandma's tits
well I had a little poodle but neighbor's stoled her
i'd shoot her with an ak but the kick hurts my shoulder
i can't pop no gun and i can't fist fight
hell i'm afraid to take out the fuckin garbage at night
I use the steps in the pool cause i'm terrified to dive
don't fuck with my floaties they's whats keepin me alive, bitch
never drank remy never delt crack
one time I smoked weed i had a panic attack
if you're looking for my dick in the mens locker room
just bring your binoculars with a fuckin super zoom
naw i'm just playin i don't fuckin change in there
the one time I did got my bush sprayed off with nair
but did I stick up for myself no fuckin doubt
i did what i do best, i broke the fuck out
i ain't lookin at you i ain't tryin to front
it's aight with me you called my jimmy a cunt
freakin sneakin crawlin creepin
when the gangs are bangin i'm in the basement sleepin
i'm straight from the streets seen trouble in every side
when the shit hits the fan i throw on a fuckin disguise
fake nose fake wig fake beard
it all worked pretty good
sometimes I just use a map and a funny accent
and pretend I got lost in the hood mother fucker
now all you coward mother fuckers out there
walkin round with your head hangin low
just cause you ate one dick
just know
my man the mayor, had to suck off his whole high school
case closed
Me, I'm the Lonesome Kicker
Extra points, field goals at your service
One might think it comes with glory
You might think different after you listen to my story
My helmet is equipped with a tiny face mask
What it possibly could protect, I do not know
The other guys on the team
Like to make fun of my little shoulder pads
And also like to hide the special shoe
I need to kick in the snow
People think it's so easy
To kick a field goal from the 30 yard line
They forget to add seven yards for the snap
And 10 more 'cause the goal posts are pushed way back
In 1974, the uprights were right on the goal line
But some of the players were running into them
And getting hurt
So screw the kicker
Who cares about the kicker?
But I kick that ball
And I pray it goes straight
If it does
The coach says "Good job, number 8"
He doesn't even know my name is
Andre Kristacovitchlalinski, Jr.
But that's the life I live
The Lonesome Kicker
Kickoffs can be so very scary
Especially, if the returner breaks on through
And I'm the only guy on the playing field left to tackle him
I don't want to get hurt
So I pretend to tie my shoe
Once again, I'm ignored by my teammates and all my coaches
"Go back where you came from!"
Scream 70,000 fans
Well, I know I could win their love back
By catching a winning touch-down
But, unfortunately, I was born with these very small hands
And I hope that the cameras don't come in too close
'Cause they might see the tears in my eyes
As I sit on this bench made of cold-hearted wood
And the splinters go deep in my thighs
And the towel boy snickers as he walks by
The Lonesome Kicker
Another blocked kick
And everybody blames me
But it was the Left Guard
Who didn't pick up his man
Oh, why can't they see...
In my home country
I could have been a minor league soccer player
But I came to America
Seeking fortune and seeking fame
I didn't realize that if I shanked one
And blew the point spread
Some drunk guys would push me into their hibachi
After the game
So I go home at night
'Cause I never get invited
To go drinking with the other guys
And I sit in my chair, and I soak my foot
As I eat a plate of cold french fries
And my wife's out with her quote-unquote friend
And my son can't look me in the eyes
But that's the life I live
The Lonesome Kicker
Kicking for you
They took my snow shoe
"And now a buffoon's meeting with the dean of admissions at a
prestigious college."
Dean: "Well Michael, I would like to extend my warmest congradulations
on your upcoming graduation and I understand you are interested in
matriculating here in the fall."
Buffoon: "I got a snake, man!"
Dean: "Yes, pets are welcome here on campus. Be it the traditional dog,
or cat, or even the occasional reptile."
Buffoon: "One time I fed it some beer man! It was slithering this way
and that! It was all fucked up!"
Dean: "I'm sure it was. Well we discourage inappropriate drinking among
both students and pets here on campus."
Buffoon: "Fuckin' Shit!"
Dean: "Yes, that's a not uncommon reaction to this policy. So tell me a
little bit more about your background."
Buffoon: "My father's a fucking asshole, man!"
Dean: "Hmm, I see. Your feelings of rebelion are not unusual at your age
son."
Buffoon: "My mother's a piece of shit too!"
Dean: "Well, I hope you can find an outlet for your hostility over the
summer so you can come to school in the fall relaxed and ready to
learn."
Buffoon: "My teacher in high school was a stupid bitch, man! She had her
head way up her ass!"
Dean: "Well the quality of the faculty at a University such as ours far
exceeds that of a local public high school."
Buffoon: "Your secretary's a real fat bitch, man!"
Dean: "Yes, she's tried many diets over the years with minimal success."
Buffoon: "I had diarhea last month. I had to shit all fucking day!"
Dean: "Uh huh, Well we all get the occasional stomach bug, never a
pleasurable experience. So have you given any thought to your choice of
major?"
Buffoon: "I've got a big fucking boner right now."
Dean: "I see. Well sexual arrousal is not uncommon during periods of
nervous tension. I do not take offense."
Buffoon: "One time I ate my neighbors shit!"
Dean: "That's understandable. Well, I enjoyed meeting you. We'll be
sending you our decision by the end of the month."
Buffoon: "I bet you got really hairy balls."
[Adam Sandler]:
And now the excited Southerner has a job interview.
[Man]:
So why don't you tell me why you would be an asset to this company.
[Excite Southerner]:
...Good question, I have a good answer for that...first first first of all I am
A very...very hard work...vocational skills...I went to...willing to work on a
Holidays...I had a tango and mirumba lessons...learning to get along with other
People...but I'm sorry I got my G.E.D....with a overtime...time and a
Half...speakin in two languages...Spanish and a...a..another one....and I and
And...loyal like a dog...tell you that much...willin to start at the
Bottom...and also willing...to stay there...your intestines...completely
Flawless...drug-free with a...whoo-wee..good references...if you call my last
Boss...he was..actually he was gonna inform me...with a...I got no dependence
With the W-2 form...and I was wondering..
[Man]:
You know what? That's great but uh we don't have anything open right now.
Thanks for comin' down.
[Excited Southerner]:
Cool.
[Man]:
Time to cry baby
What?! get outta hear. I'm leaving.
You can run from whitey but you ain't gonna run from us.
We all heard what happened at the skating rink today.
When whitey brought up your sad past,
You snapped and walked away.
Well maybe there unto something you should give a try,
Go on ahead and let it out and have yourself a cry.
Let it out Davey!!! Ugh shut your wooden mugs.
Let it out Davey, would you check out her bezugs.Hmmm.
You all want me to deal with pain, well cheers is what I say.
This is stuff just numbs the pain, it don't make it go away.
You try to act so tough but you just live a lie...
Why don't you show your feminine side and have yourself a cry.
OOOOH!!!!
Let it out Davey.
I'll pour you down the sink.
You gotta do it Davey.
You all can bite my dink.
You labels and logos are wasting your time making me sit here,
Cause nothing you can say or do will make me shed a tear.
He possesses a strong spirit and won't let down his guard.
So now'll we'll bring in the big gun,
His beautiful Chanukkah card.
Take it Davey it might have money over.
Happy Chanukkah to our wonderful son,
You fill our lives with joy,
Dont ever change the way you are.
Look you've got to understand
It?s just been me and Eleanor for sixty-seven years
So she gets nervous around strangers
I wouldn?t show that picture to any one
Or they might try to take you two guys back to the laboratory
Listen we got rules in this house, and you better follow
Them or you?ll find yourself outta of here
This might be harder then I thought
If you?re coming from street, with dirty shoes on your feet
That?s a technical foul
If you switch the radio to some modern music show
That?s a technical foul
If you don?t shut the door after using the fridgerator
That?s a technical foul, a technical foul
If you touch the thermostat, you?ll get hit with a bat
'Cause that?s a technical foul, you?ll feel my wrath
If your hair clogs the drain, you?ll know the meaning of pain
Cause that?s a technical foul, I?ll show you no mercy
This is such bull shit, hey in this house we say bull spit
Or it?s a technical foul, a technical foul
Let me get this straight
You expect me to change my entire lifestyle in one night
Because you guys are a couple of psychotic control freaks
You got it bub or you can go rot in the gutter
It's up to you Yankee Doodle
Well, I don?t want to do that
But let me run a few questions by you
So I don?t screw up accidentally
If I don?t spray Lysol, after moving a bowel
That?s a technical foul, okay?
If I decide to wash my ass with your monogrammed towel
That?s a technical foul
Please say, hieney
If I make fun of your crazy feeties
Or give sugar cookies to Miss Diabetes
That?s not only technical foul but, possibly a homicide
Can I sleep past three?
If you do you?ll get a T
Take a wizz in those flowers
I'll say hit the showers
Use this horn as a bong
Adios Tommy Chong
Make some long distance calls
You?ll get a kick in the balls
Can I walk around with my morning erection?
If you want an automatic ejection
'Cause that?s a technical foul
But I'd like to see it anyway, just kiddin'
There are certain rules which apply in one's life
With your sister, friends or imaginary wife
I can?t believe, I haven?t killed myself
Respect carries over me on the court
Here with Wigs Magee, and a fury elf
Whether you're Jewish diabetic or especially short
She?s ironic and he?s a troll
I see, she?s strange in my royal carry
My imaginary wife is short and hairy
They took my wig, I remember the look in their eyes
How did my life get stuck in this shit hole?
Why oh why won't someone retrieve my wig, wig, wig?
Guess I have to deal with your demands
But please don?t touch me with your alien hands
I got no right to growl
The whistle she's on the prowl
Without my wig, I look like an owl
Oh, my God, don?t laugh at her
Or it's a technical foul
Or it's a technical foul
"And now a cow at bat in the bottom of the 6th inning
of a little league game getting hit by a pitch"
"And now a cow who goes skydiving for the very first time,
and thinks his parachute isn't gonna open when it finnally does 40 feet from the ground"
Alright cow, don't even think about just jump and enjoy the ride down,
quit being a pansy and do it
Moo,mrr
Moow
"And now a cow who goes to the chicken hot drivethru
and then gets halfway home before realising they forgot his french fries"
Moo,moo
"And now a cow winning first prise in the bellyflop contest at spring break
and then realises he can't swim"
Mrr,mrr
"And now a club gets a dance at a classy strip club,
when a bouncer notices he doesn't have any shoes on"
Ohh baby you like it when I dance with you
Uh uh uh, you can't touch that
Keep your hands off the girl
Hey cow, you got no shoes on you gotta leave
Hey watch it cow
"And now a cow playing tennis against farmer Stinky Thumbs Arbuckle
when the farmer makes an obvious bad call"
That was out
Don't tell me it wasn't cause I saw it and that was out
By at least 3 feet that's how far, come in look there is still a mark where it's out
Don't tell that was from an old ball, that was this ball and this ball was out
You cannot see from that angle
"And now a cow recieves a phone call who he thinks is
from a famous actor but he soon finds out it's just a practical joke"
Hello may I speak to the cow
Hi, I'm a famous actor
Oh, thank you very much,
I was wondering if you would like to go to dinner with me
Why don't I make reservations?
And why don't I tell you my real name?
farmer Stinky Thumbs Arbuckle
Take that fatty
"And now a cow gets his revenge on farmer Stinky Thumbs Arbuckle"
Pull over, pull the vehicle to the side of the road, I am warning you for the last time.
Sun Tan Lotion, Is Good For Me
You Protect Me, Tee Hee Hee
Oh The Sun Tries To Burn Me But You Won't Let It
Will Ya!
Ultraviolet Rays Bad, Lotion Good
Can ya tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame and Street,
How to get to Sesame and Street, How to get to Sesame and Streeeeet.
Kermit:
Hello. Kermit the frog here. And welcome to Sensamea Street.
I'd like to tell you what todays letter is, but I am really fucked (bleeped) up. He, Hey Big Bird, do you know what today's letter is?
Big Bird:
Sure Kermit, today's letter is.........joint.
Kermit:
Ahh Big Bird, joint is not a letter. It is a word.
Big Bird:
Sorry kids. Today's letter is....threeee!
Kermit:
Uhhhh, Big Bird, three is a number *chuckle*
Big Bird:
Exactly, the number three, which is how many joints I've smoked today.
Kermit....Are you with me?
Kermit:
God, I'm stoned!
Big Bird:
Me too.
*laughs*
Elmo:
Guys, guys, show go on. Come on.
Kermit:
Thank you Elmo. Umm, how bout we say our ABC's Big Bird...
Big Bird:
OK...
Kermit and Big Bird:
A, B, C, D, E, F, R, G, Q, K, C, R, uhh F, C
Big Bird;
I forgot what we were doing Kramitt.
Kermit:
Did you just uhh call me Kramitt??
Big Bird:
Yes I did.
Kermit:
Heh, Kramitt the frog here. OK, OK, that's all the time we have for today. Goodbye kids.Today's show was brought to you by the letter ummm,
Big Bird:
bong...
Kermit:
And the number......
Big Bird:
God, you're messed up...
Kermit:
Fuck you!!! (bleeped)
Kermit:
The number, Fuck you!! (bleeped)
*laughing*
Kermet and Big Bird:
Bye, bye, kids!
*music*
Can ya tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame and Street,
[Adam Sandler]:
Hey how ya doin'? My name's Barry Lakin and I'm here with the man on the street
quiz. This weeks's show is a doozy man, it really is. I went around the country
with my tape recorder and I taped different people having sex. I would just sit
outside their bedroom windows without anybody knowin' and I would press record
and these people would wail away on each other man they would really go at it
and I captured it on tape. Also I went around the country and I taped people in
weight rooms workin' out man. I would just sit there with my tape recorder,
press record, and these people would have themselves a workout man and I got
that on tape. Now I'm gonna play these tapes for people on the street and see
if they know the difference between people working out and people havin' sex.
Sir, what's your name?
[Man]:
Hi, how ya doin'? My name's Gregory Miner.
[Adam Sandler]:
Oh terrific. My name's Barry Lakin.
[Man]:
Uh huh
[Adam Sandler]:
And let me tell you what I did man. I went around the country and taped people
having sex
[Man]:
Uh huh
[Adam Sandler]:
I also taped people workin' out in a weight room man. I'm gonna play one of the
two tapes for you right now
[Man]:
[Adam Sandler]:
You dig? You tell me which of the two they're doin' okay? Workin' out or havin'
sex?
[Man]:
Yeah I got ya
[Adam Sandler]:
Alright I'm pressing the play button...Now.
{Moans and screams}
[Adam Sandler]:
What do you think?
[Man]:
Well that's people having sex.
[Adam Sandler]:
No they were doing a Military Press
[Man]:
But..but they...
[Adam Sandler]:
No you're wrong. Thank you very much for stopping by. Amazing what people will
hear. When the human ear wants to hear sex, it hears sex. Hmm. Let's move on to
someone else. Sir, what's your name?
[Man]:
Uh hi my name is Ron.
[Adam Sandler]:
Ron, what's your last name, quick.
[Man]:
Ron Johnson.
[Adam Sandler]:
Alright, that's good enough. My name's Barry Lakin.
[Man]:
Nice to meet you Barry.
[Adam Sandler]:
Terrific. What I'm gonna do now is play a tape for you. And you tell me if
these people are havin' sex..
[Man]:
Yeah?
[Adam Sandler]:
See how he says yeah? Or working out in a fitness center.
[Man]:
Uh huh
[Adam Sandler]:
I'm pressing play...Now.
{Moans and screams}
[Adam Sandler]:
And what do you think?
[Man]:
Uh, that was two gay men having sex.
[Adam Sandler]:
No those were two men doing Butterfly Curls.
[Man]:
Sounded like two gay guys having sex.
[Adam Sandler]:
Well no sir, you are dead wrong.
[Man]:
Alright.
[Adam Sandler]:
Thanks for stopping by. Wow, interesting. Two men, on tape, working out,
building their pectorial muscles. And this man hears gay sex. Which leads me to
the conclusion that this man is either gay himself or not straight. Moving
along. And older gentleman. How are ya sir, what's your name?
[Man]:
Uh Larry Bartowski
[Adam Sandler]:
And Larry, how old are you?
[Man]:
I am 62.
[Adam Sandler]:
My name's Barry Lakin.
[Man]:
Nice to meet you Barry.
[Adam Sandler]:
Terrific. Larry, I'm gonna play a tape for ya. Now you have to tell me if these
two people are having sex or working out. Are you ready sir?
[Man]:
I think I'll be able to do this.
[Adam Sandler]:
Alright sir. Here we go. And play.
{Moans and screams}
[Adam Sandler]:
Okay sir. What was that? Sex or weight lifting?
[Man]:
That was definitely two people having sex.
[Adam Sandler]:
No they were doing Leg Squats.
[Man]:
You're kidding me? They were not having sex?
[Adam Sandler]:
No sir, you are way off base.
[Man]:
I don't believe it.
[Adam Sandler]:
Alright I'll play it back for you again sir. And if you get it right this time,
you will...be the only one who did. Okay so...play.
{Moans and screams}
[Adam Sandler]:
Okay, here's your second chance. What do you think?
[Man]:
Those people were definitely having sex.
[Adam Sandler]:
No wrong again, sir. Thanks for playing the game.
[Man]:
You're kidding me. They, they...
[Adam Sandler]:
Alright sir, I'm moving on, I appreciate it.
[Man]:
They were having sex.
[Adam Sandler]:
Alright that's in your head. Bye bye. Well we learned a lot about men today.
Let's move on to women. How are you?
[Woman]:
Okay.
[Adam Sandler]:
My name's Barry Lakin.
[Woman]:
[Adam Sandler]:
Hi. What's your name?
[Women]:
Uh Jessica Sanders.
[Adam Sandler]:
Okay Jessica. What I'm gonna do right now is record something, not play, but
record.
[Woman]:
Oh okay.
[Adam Sandler]:
I'm gonna ask you to close your eyes now. And I'm gonna record something. Then
I'm gonna play it back to you. And you're gonna have to tell me if these to
people are having sex or working out in a gym.
[Woman]:
Okay.
[Adam Sandler]:
Okay, close your eyes. I'm hitting record now. Pay no attention to what's going
[Woman]:
You're unzipping my pants.
[Adam Sandler]:
Yeah that's right. Keep your eyes closed I'm recording something.
[Woman]:
Oh that feels good.
[Adam Sandler]:
Mm-hmm, yeah it feels good here too. Alright. Okay, I'm gonna slow down or I'm
in trouble. Ahh too late I'm gonna blow it here we go
[Woman]:
uh! shoot it all over me!
[Adam Sandler]:
Alright. Okay let me hit stop. And let me rewind that one. Alright now I'm
gonna play it back for you. Are these people having sex or are they in a weight
room. Here we go.
{Playback}
[Adam Sandler]:
Now what do you think?
[Woman]:
That was you having sex with me.
[Adam Sandler]:
That's right and thanks for stoppin' by. Okay. Well, until next time this is
I'm happily married with a house and three mistresses
Even with the beard I'm not as hairy as my sister is
Got a new Hummer, two Ferraris, and some Lexuses
And all the girls I know got the big big breasteses
I got a ten story mansion on the beach
With a swimmin' pool filled up with the drool of Robin Leach
Richer than a Twinkie, I got so much cash
That to me Paris Hilton is poor white trash
I take forty-seven weeks of vacation a year
If people piss me off I can make 'em disappear
Every time I sneeze I get a feature on the news
The reporter says "gesundheit" and hilarity ensues
And how did I get to be the man that I am?
A god among men, only without the tan
It's simple, every time I have to make a choice
I just listen to my little inner voice, and he says
"Shave all the hair off your butt and glue it to your nostrils"
"Steal all the milk from all the supermarkets and put it
back in the cows"
Alright
"Find out which species of rodent is the most flammable"
"Let's see what fun crafts we can make using only a chainsaw
and Regis Philbin"
Yeah!
So how do I explain my little cranial expressions
Intuition, premonition, or demonic possession?
It could be God, an angel, or my dead uncle Paul
Or that nasty purple fuzzy thing that lives in my wall
Doesn't matter, and to be honest I don't wanna know
'Cause thanks to him I've never had to deal with an HMO
And I can go show off my rocket powered solid gold Benz
I tell ya life is no much nicer with invisible friends
"Record an all-banjo Falco tribute album"
Done, and done.
"Put on a tutu, glue two live wiener dogs to your face, and
prance around the subway terminal screaming 'Stop looking at me!'"
"There's no reason not to have sex with a cheese grater."
Hmm, no, I suppose not.
"Set up a stand outside of K-Mart with a plate full of frozen peas
and a sign reading 'Take one!' If anyone asks you what the hell
your doing, give them a button that says 'I asked about the peas!'"
He's become my best friend, sticks with me to the end
Thanks to him I'll never live on Ramen noodles again
And he's always by my side, every minute, every hour
Though it does get kinda creepy when I'm trying to take a shower
Still I can't complain 'cause he made me rich
And figured out it was the opossum milk that made me itch
If it seems weird remember the voice made me do it
I don't question what he says I just get up and get to it
"Itemize everything in your cat's litter box for the next seven years
and mail a report to the President with a note saying 'Here!'"
Good idea
"It's time to find out what urinal cakes taste like"
If you say so
"Get a black and white horizontally striped suit, a mask,
and a bowling ball with a small length of rope hanging from it,
and tiptoe around the airport."
Sounds like fun
"How old does a baby need to be before it's too big
to fit down the toilet?"
I don't know. Let's find out.
"Keep swallowing magnets until your farts can erase video tapes."
Will do
So to that guy in my head I just wanna say thanks
For removin' my angst, so I'm no longer shootin' blanks
And now I own several banks, plus an inflatable watch
And paid Justin Timberlake to let me kick him in the crotch
I followed his advice and now I'm makin' major duckets
If it wasn't for him I'd still be processing McNuggets
So when life makes you feel like you should've stayed in bed
Just listen to the voice in your head, and he'll say
"Fat people are full of toys. Go get some!"
Yeah!
"Build a 20 foot tall nude statue of Tony Goldmark licking
warm margarine off a malnourished dolphin out of onions,
pez, and lint."
With pleasure!
"If Yanni didn't want to be set on fire and shoved down
a flight of stairs, surely he would have said so explicitly by now."
Yeah, I guess so.
"Go to a McDonald's Playland, tie that big Officier Big Mac
thing to the back of your car, and drive away at 90 mph. When a
cop pulls you over, roll down the window and indignantly ask 'WHAT?'"
You got it!
"Move to New Jersey and become a comedy rap artist."
There's something I know,
That no one else does.
You want me to tell you what it is?
But if I did, then it wouldn't be, a secret...
I've gotta move my body tonight,
I'm gonna go dancin'
Dreamin' bout the nights at the club,
With the fun and romancin'
Mommy sees the look in my eyes,
She can tell something's different
Daddy doesn't understand why,
But he can tell something's different
I've got a secret,
My own little secretNo one knows my secret,
Cause it's a secret. (Secret)
Shhh don't tell
Shhh don't tell
I trimmed my buuuuuu-shhh don't tell
I trimmed my buuuuuu-shhh don't tell
And nobody knows that my bush is cut low
As I dance and I sing and I put on a show
And i'm feeling so free, nothing hanging off me
While the bass gets stronger I'm a half an inch longer
And I touch it and rub it and pinch it and squeeze it
And tug it and twirl it and flick it and swirl it,
and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin
Fuckin and suckin, Fuckin and suckin!
Music is filling my body from my head to my toes
The DJ gives me a smile, maybe he knows
I hear whispering from my left to my right, all over the party
i'm the super-star of the night, I did somethin naughty
I gave myself a haircut, (don't tell)
I'd like to tell you where but, (don't tell)
I've got a secret, (don't tell)
It's my own secret
I trimmed my buuuuu-shhh don't tell
I trimmed my buuuuu-shhh don't tell
And I feel so special and so beautiful
As I reach down and give my new friend a quick pull
I'm scratchy and itchy and a little bit bitchy
and if I find scissors i'd trim my friend Ritchy
And I touch it and rub it and pinch it and squeeze it
And tug it and twirl it and flick it and swirl it,
And fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin
Fuckin and suckin fuckin and suckin!
I can wear my pants extra low tonight...
My secret's gettin out of control, it's burstin out of me
Gotta drop my pants to the floor, so the whole club can see
The special way I trim my curlies, so fuzzy and soft
Cause when my shrub is short and tight my piggy won't get lost
I had a secret, (don't tell)
But now you know my secret, (don't tell)
I gave my bush some haircuts, (don't tell)
To emphasize my bare nuts
I trimmed my buuuuu-shhh don't tell
I trimmed my buuuuu-shhh don't tell
And I touch it and rub it and pinch it and squeeze it
And tug it and twirl it and flick it and swirl it,
And fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin
So many presents,
so little time,
Santa won't be coming around my house this year,
'cos I tried to drown my sister and I pierced my ear,
Oh mama made it perfectly clear,
Santa don't like bad boys...especially Jewish ones.
Gnip-gnop and lego blocks are all that I desire,
so why did I have to set the pizza guy's hair on fire,
I told him I was sorry,
I'm a liar,
so no toys for me...I don't deserve them.
I couldn't wait for a big wheel as the holiday neared,
but then I told my grandma that she had a beard.
Dear Santa,
I know what my problem is, why I can't be good, it's a fear of intimacy.
You see my whole life whenever I've met someone really great like you and
I keep feeling like I'm getting close to them, something inside me makes
me want to screw it up. So in a weird way the reason I'm so bad is because
I love you santa.
Rock-em Sock-em Robots is what I was hoping for,
but then I made a death threat to vice president Gore,
oh santa won't be knocking on my door,
'cos he's a big fat whore...what made me say that?
Chutes and ladders would be so good indeed,
so why'd I have to sell that cop a bag of weed,
so Santa please give me that easy bake oven,
I swear I thought billy goats we're made for lovin'.
So Santa won't you accept my apologies,
Santa can't you see I'm begging you please,
oh Santa next year I'll do you right,
here we go
no no no (whoo ooh)
piece of shit car,
i gotta piece of shit car
that fucking pile of shit
never gets me very far.
my cars a big piece of shit
cause the shocks are fucking shot,
and my seatbelts fuckin broken,
i got to tie em in a knot. (its a piece of shit)
i cant see through the windshield
cause its got a big fucking crack,
and the interior smells real bad
cause my friend puked in the back. (its a piece of shit)
(piece of shit car) piece of shit car
(hes gotta piece of shit car)
it sucks royal dick (that fuckin pile of shit, never gets him very far)
oh fuck you car.
its got no CD player,
its only got the 8-track.
whoever designed my car
can lick my sweaty nut sack. (they can bite his ass too)
and i got no fucking brakes,
im always way out of control,
11 times a day i hear "hey watch it asshole" (you fucking piece of shit).
(piece of shit car)
i've got a piece of shit car (hes got a piece of shit car).
diesel gas sucks my ass! (that fucking pile of shit)
that pile of metal shit (never gets him very far.)
oh what the fuck did i do,
what the fuck did i do,
what the fuck did i do,
to get stuck with you?
you're too wide for drive-thru
and you smell like the shoe,
but im too broke to buy something new.
ah fuck me.
the engine likes to flood,
the car always fucking stalls,
and the seat cushions got a big rip
so a spring always pokes the balls. (ouch ouch ouch)
plus the doorlocks are busted,
i got to use a fucking coat hanger. (what a pain in his ass)
and if a girlie sees my car,
theres no chance i'll ever bang her. (he'll never ever get the pussy)
hey shut up!
(piece of shit car)
you piece of shit car. (hes gotta piece of shit car)
you piece of shit car (piece of shit car)
bald fucking tires (hes got a piece of shit car)
no rearview fucking mirror (piece of shit car)
7 different colors (hes got apiece of shit car)
fucking rag for a gas cap (piece of shit car)
tailpipe making sparks fly everywhere (piece of shit car)
whoaaaa the whole town thinks im a loser (piece of shit car)
Alright, Mr. Pibb, those kneepads on tight enough?
Snug as a bug in a rug playin Dig Dug, my friend!
Uh huh...
I'm all set to give this skitchboard a whirl!
Okay, we should really put a helmet on you first...
Well... helmet has the word 'hell' in it, and I don't know about
you, sonny, but I ain't no sinner...
No, you're not...
When my time comes, I'm on my way to heaven, so I won't
be puttin one of those demon contraptions on my head!
Okay, Pibb... Just remember that the half pipe ain't the easiest
thing to do...
Never mind all that, boy! It's only half the pipe! Let's be concerned
when they got the whole thing here!
Right...
Now can we get to the skitchboardin?
Okay, okay... How bout we just get you on the board?
Can do!
Make sure you keep your knees bent...
Can do do!
Good job...
Now how bout a little pushky to get me started?
Okay, but go easy
Hell, this is simple as a pimple!
Yeah, yeah, you're doin pretty good there buddy!
It's quite similar to my youth when I'd sprinkle my brother's
marble collection all over the basement floor, glue a plank to
my feet, and skim around all the live long day!
Is that right?
Oh, how my father detested that sound!
I'm sure...
Ho, ho
Ha, yeah... you better take it down a notch there, Pibb... you're
startin to pick up a little too much speed...
Nonsense, check this out! Whoo, hoo!
You got some air there, Pibb, lookin like a natural!
It's all about the balance, and I'm darn good with that! Just
ask my banker! Hahaha
I'll get right on that...
Say, what's the record for loop-de-loos on one of these things?
Uh.....rotations?
Well, ain't you fancy?
Yeah, Tony Hawk did a 900 once, that's two and a half rotations...
Oh, I can stick that!
Don't try that, Pibb....
Here we go!!! Ahhhh!!!!!
(smack!)
Shit! Oh, shit! Are you alright, Mr. Pibb?
A wont a you a dance wit me at the annual all star a banquet
A will a feel so fancy free at the annual all star a banquet
Everyone in town will be lookin their best,
Even Mrs. Selman with the one extra breast.
Its a kind of a nite when ur feet match
When u feel nearly 5 foot 3!
They'll laugh and they'll dance and they'll pee in their pants
I work at Burger King making flame-broiled whoppers,
I wear paper hat.
Would you like an apple pie with that?
Would you like an apple pie with that?
Ding, fries are done.
Ding, fries are done.
Ding, fries are done.
Ding, fries are done.
I gotta run.
I gotta run.
I gotta run.
I gotta run.
Don't bob for fries in hot fat,
It really hurts bad and so does skin graft.
Would you like an apple pie with that?
Would you like an apple pie with that?
Where is the bell?
Wait for the bell.
Can't eat the bell.
Where is the bell?
Ding, fries are done.
Ding, fries are done.
Ding, fries are done.
Ding, fries are done.
I work at Burger King making flame-broiled whoppers,
I wear paper hat.
Would you like an apple pie with that?
Would you like an apple pie with that?
Ding, fries are done.
Ding, fries are done.
Oh say I can't see
Where the hells my visine
And my eye sights not to keen
I hope your not driving
Who's fat sacka and new pipe
We get fucked up all night
And the weed is not stale
It's ok to inhale
Get the munchies like hell
Then we run to the bell
Hit the bong one more time
Then pass it cuz it's mine
Oh say does that weed get me soo high!
Legalize it today
Here we go
Piece of shit car
I got a piece of shit car
That fuckin' pile of shit
Never gets me very far
My car's a big piece of shit
'Cause the shocks are fucking shot
And my seatbelt's fucking broken
I got to tie it in a knot
(It's a piece of shit)
I can't see through the windshield
'Cause it's got a big fucking' crack
And the interior smells real bad
'Cause my friend puked in the back
(It's a piece of shit)
(Piece of shit car)
Piece of shit car
(He's got a piece of shit car)
It sucks royal dick
(That fuckin' pile of shit)
100% crap
(Never gets him very far)
Oh fuck you car
It's got no CD player, it only got the 8-track
Whoever designed my car can lick my sweaty nut sack
(They can bite his ass too)
And I got no fuckin' brakes
I'm always way out of control
Eleven times a day I hear "Hey, watch it asshole"
(You fuckin' piece of shit)
(Piece of shit car)
I got piece of shit car
(He got a piece of shit car)
Diesel gas sucks my ass
(That fuckin' pile of shit)
That pile of metal shit
(Never gets him very far)
Oh what the fuck did I do
What the fuck did I do
What the fuck did I do
To get stuck with you
You're too wide for drive-thru
And you smell like the shoe
But I'm too broke to buy something new
Oh fuck me
Well the engine likes to flood
The car always fuckin' stalls
And the seat cushion's got a big rip
So a spring always pokes the balls
(Ouch, ouch, ouch)
Plus the door locks are busted
I gotta use a fucking coat hanger
(What a pain in his ass)
And if a girlie sees my car
There's no chance I'll ever bang her
(He never ever gets da pussy)
Hey shut up
(Piece of shit car)
You piece of shit car
(You got a piece of shit car)
You piece of shit car
(Piece of shit car)
Bald fuckin' tires
(You got a piece of shit car)
No rearview fucking mirror
(Piece of shit car)
Seven different colors
(You got a piece of shit car)
Fucking rag for a gas cap
(Piece of shit car)
Tailpipe makes the sparks fly everywhere
(You got a piece of shit car)
(Piece of shit car)
(You got a piece of shit car)
(Piece of shit car)
Oh the whole town thinks I'm a loser
(You got a piece of shit car)
Cabby give me a push
When I'm feeling down
And feeling sad
You come around
And make me glad
I got you
Oh, my little chicken
I love your feet
I love your breasts
I love the way you eat gravel
To help you digest
Oh, my little chicken
People say you're using me
In your heart you're a killer
But I know the worst
I should fear is
A slight case of salmonella
So lie right back
Don't you cry
If an egg can fit in there
Why can't I.....mmmmmmm
Oh my little
Bawk, Bawk, Bawk, Bawk
Bawk, Bawk, Bawk, Bawk
Bawk, Bawk, Bawk, Bawking Bawk,
Bawk, Bawk, Bawking Bawk
You're my love
My little chicken likes
"Hullo!"
"Hey Mr. Spindel. How's algebra class going?"
"Whut!?"
"You're in for a big surprise tommorrow during 5th period!"
"Hey! Who is this!"
"Hullo!"
"Hullo!"
"Who is this!?"
"Hullo!"
"Answer me!"
"Who is this!?"
"Hullo!"
"For God's sake! Who are you!?"
"Hullo!"
"Hullo!"
"Who is that!?"
"Hullo!"
"Who are you!?"
"Please answer me!"
"Oh God! Who is this!?"
"Please stop it! Why are you doing this!?"
"WHY!? WHY!?"
"Just tell me your name."
"Please."
"I'm gonna hang up!"
"I'm warning you!"
"Hullo!"
"Whoever this is, I'm gonna hang up!"
"That's it!"
"Damn you kids!!"
"Damn you!!"
"Hullo?"
"Yeah, Bill."
"Oh, TED!"
"I've been trying to get through to you forever.
Who have you been talking to?"
I'm sitting in my chair watching the TV
It's not even on but there's plenty for me to see
I just lit some crazy ass shit
that my friend overnight mailed to me
I'm fucking wasted
It's the best shit I ever tasted
I think they fucking laced it
Cause I'm so damn lambasted
Oh my friend came over so I packed him a pipe
I told him he better go easy with this shit but he didn't believe the hype
He sparked three bows just to show he could take it
Two minutes later he was playing backgammon naked
He's fucking wasted
It's the best shit he ever tasted
He's lost in fucking spaced-ed
Cause he's so wicked wicked wasted
Oh I spent the last two hours
hiding under my bed
Cause I looked in the garbage can
and I think I saw my Uncle Louie's head
I'm fucking wasted
Well my friend blew a hit into my pet bird's face
The bird laughed hysterically and started to moonwalk all over the place
He tripped over the toaster wire and fell on his beak
He looked at the two of us and he started to speak
I'm fucking wasted
It's the best shit I've ever tasted
My brain's been erased-ed
Well fucking fried
I'm sitting in the bathtub wanting something to eat
I wanted a pizza the bird said Pepperoni would be sweet
Delivery guy showed up four hours later, handed me his shoe
I said we ordered pizza buddy, what the hell's up with you
I'm fucking wasted
It's the best shit I ever fucking tasted
Oh fucking shit
[Billy]: Yes, I will go back to school
And achieve victory!
No man will take what my father has built
Unless that man is me!
[Veronica]: My Billy, sweet Billy boy
I knew you would go back
No one can stop you if you try
Don't I have a nice rack?
[Billy]: Veronica, I thank you
For beating the shit out of me
I see things so clearly now
I choose my destiny
[veronica]: Oh Billy, I knew you had it in ya'
[Kids]: We're here to help you Billy
Get back in school to stay
You gotta' work real hard
And stick it out
Till graduation day!
[Clown]: Hey, Kids! It's me
I bet you thought that I was dead
But when I fell over I just broke my leg
And got a hemorrhage in my head [ha ha ha]
[All]: There are obstacles in the way
[Maid]: In the way
[All again]: But together we shall overcome
[Maid]: Overcome
But you can't break a spirit
And you can't heal a dream
[Maid]: Dream
Do you have anymore gum?
More gum, more gum, more gum
WHOOO HOO
Cindy and Scott are newley-weds
WHOOP-EE-DOO
he loves her, but she loves this guy,(right over here)
and he loves somebody else -
You just can't win.
And so it goes until the day you die.
This thing they call love,
its gonna make you cryyy I hate you.
I've had the blues, the reds and the pinks.
One thing's for suurre...
Love stinks
Love stinks...yeah yeah...
Love stinks!
Love stinks! Yeah yeah...
Love Stinks
Love stinks! Yeah yeah...
LOOOVE stinks! yeah yeah
Put your arms around me babe,
Can't you see I need you so?
Hold me close against your skin,
'Cause I'm about to begin
Lovin' you.
Spit on your hand and stroke my cock at a medium pace.
Play with my balls and tell me how big they are.
Honey rub your beaver up and down my face.
Now sit on the corner of the bed and watch me whack off.
You see that shampoo bottle? Now, stick it up my ass.
Push it in and out at a medium pace.
Talk about your old boyfriend's dick and how big it was.
Now shave off my pubs and punch me in the face.
Darling, make me push my dick and balls back between my legs.
Call me an ugly woman and take my picture to show all the people
you work with.
Now pull up my scrotum and take that shampoo bottle out of my ass.
Pretend I'm the pizza delivery guy and watch me whack off.
Strap on a dildo and make me give you head.
Now tell me slow down and do it at a medium pace.
I feel so humiliated. I'm about to blow my load.
You tell it's time to make love but I can't 'cuz I spewed all over myself.
Then you look into my eyes, then you realize
How much I enjoy loving you. oh.
I'm so sorry I spunked all over my stomach.
It all seemed so long ago
Young and happy don't you know
Down by the creek I would show
Fireflies to that girl
But that was back when he was nice
Before my warm heart turned to ice
My sister's wig once had lice
But that was long ago
The schoolyard's where we were
The first time I kissed her
He thought he got some tongue
But it was only retainer
Eleanore's bra is a trainer
Well, over there?s my family home
And the woods we used to roam
The only time I had sex was on the phone
But that was long ago
I carved our names upon that tree
I loved him and he loved me
My darling wife was once a he
But that was long ago
He'd always whisper in my ear
But then I started drinkin' beer
My jewels got licked by six frisky deer
Now he's just a loner and a lier
I wanna make you smile,
Whenever you're sad.
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad.
All I wanna do,
Is grow old with you.
I'll get you medicine,
When your tummy aches.
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks.
Oh it could be so nice,
Growin' old with you.
I'll miss you, kiss you,
Give you my coat when you are cold.
Need you, feed you.
Even let you hold the remote control.
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink.
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.
Oh I could be the man,
Who grows old with you.
Kermet and Big Bird Stoned Lyrics
Artist(Band):Adam Sandler
(Print the Lyrics)
Kermet and Big Bird Stoned Lyrics
Kermet tell me how to get, how to get to Seseme and Street,
How to get to Seseme and Street, How to get to Seseme and Streeeeet.
Kermet:
Hello.., Kermet the frog here. And welcome Sensamea Street.
I'd like to tell you what todays letter is, but I'm really fucked up.
Kermet:
He, Hey Big Bird, do you know what today's letter is?
Big Bird:
Sure Kermet, today's letter is.........Joint...........
Kermet:
Ahh Big Bird, joint is not a letter.... it is a word.
Big Bird:
Sorry kids.. todays letter is threeee.........
Kermet:
Uhhhh, Big Bird, three isn't a letter, it is a number
*chuckle*
Big Bird:
Exactly, three is the number of joints I've smoked today.
Big Bird:
Kermet.... Are you with me...
Kermet:
God I'm stoned....
Big Bird:
Me too.
Elmo:
Guys, guys, show go on. Come on.
Kermet:
Thank you Elmo. Umm, how bout we say are ABC's Big Bird...
Big Bird:
Ok...
Kermet and Big Bird:
A, B, C, D, E, F, R, G, Q, K, C, R, uhh F, C
Big Bird;
I forgot what we were doing Kramet.
Kermet:
Did you just uhh call me Kramet??
Big Bird:
Yes I did.
Kermet:
Kramet the frog here.
Kermet:
Ok, ok, that's all the time we have for today. Goodbye kid's.
Todays show was brought to you by a the letter ummm,
Big Bird:
bong...
Kermet
And the number,,,,,,
Big Bird:
God your messed up
Kermet:
Fuck you!!!
Kermet:
The number, Fuck you!!
*laughing*
Kermet and Big Bird:
Bye, bye, kids, bye
Kermet tell me how to get, how to get to Seseme and Street,
Once I thought I saw you in a crowded hazy bar
Dancing on the light from star to star
Far across the moonbeam I know that's who you are
I saw your brown eyes turning once to fire
You are like a hurricane, there's calm in your eye
And I'm gettin' blown away
To somewhere safer where the feeling stays
I want to love you but I'm getting blown away
I am just a dreamer but you are just a dream
And you could have been anyone to me
Before that moment you touched my lips
That perfect feeling when time just slips
Away between us on our foggy trip
You are like a hurricane, there's calm in your eye
And I'm gettin' blown away
To somewhere safer where the feeling stays
I want to love you but I'm getting blown away, blown away
You are just a dreamer and I am just a dream
You could have been anyone to me
Before that moment you touched my lips
That perfect feeling when time just slips
Away between us on our foggy trip
You are like a hurricane, there's calm in your eye
And I'm gettin' blown away
To somewhere safer where the feeling stays
Oh,Oh,Here comes the most faithful charmed empress coming down the streets
in the town of Kozaks Fatville in Nevada to become the number one fattest
empress
on the streets to weigh at 940 pounds after 30 years of marriage to emperor
eillic bauer kozaks by obeying the laws of gainning weight forever.
Here comes fatso Aubrey Kozaks the best fatty piggy empress in town with
the howling of the fatty empress in Nevada on the streets with the wild
Oh, shit, is that them crazy fucks from across town? They
didn't see me, did they? Fuck it, they headin this way! Damn!
Gotta be somewhere to hide around here! No bushes, no
trees, what the fuck!? I'll just hide my ass in this garbage can!
There we go, safe and sound... No motherfucker's gonna find
me here! Shit, I'll just wash my clothes later!
(Gangsters)
Where'd you run to, you candy ass motherfucker?
You can hide all you want, but when we find you we still gonna
fuck you up! See you tomorrow, bitch!
(gunshots)
No you won't, cause I'm gonna stay in my basement all day...
I sure fooled them stupid fucks, hehehe...
(Woman)
I'll be right there honey! Just let me throw these dirty diapers out!
(Man)
Okay, baby
(Woman)
Man, they stink! That baby couldn't stop shittin today!
(Man)
I know, baby
I don't care, baby shit don't mean nothin cause I'm safe and
sound! Shit, no one can fuck with me in this tin can! I'm a
"Ms. Murphy is such a pain, man."
"We just had a test a week ago.
Now we gotta take another one tommorrow. This sucks!"
"And it counts for 80 percent of our grade."
"Well we better study our butts off."
"Well we came to the right place, the ever so quiet library."
"Ok, enough talking, let's study!"
"All right."
"Uh oh"
"Oh no! Fatty McGee is coming.
We'll never get any studying done with him in the library."
"Oh god, he's taking the stairs!
That means he's going to be way out of breath!"
"Oh no, he's going to sit with us."
"Hey fellas, studying for the big test?"
"Uh, yes Fatty, we were."
"Great! I'll join ya."
"Hey Fatty, why don't you go to the bathroom 'till you catch your breath?"
"No, no, I'm catching it!"
"Ok, ok Fatty, but try to keep the wheezing level down, we're trying to concentrate."
"Sure, no problem."
"Oh man."
"This test counts for eighty percent of our grade, you know."
"Yes Fatty, we know, we just said that."
"Fatty! Please keep it down!"
"Is he sleeping!?"
"No, it's his deviated sceptum.
Seriously Fatty, keep the breathing down."
"Ahh geez Fatty, what's wrong with you!?"
"I'm trying."
"Fatty, you know what's going to happen!
Stop breathing so heavy! Please we gotta study!"
"Oh no, that one's going to do it!"
"Fatty, the fire department thinks the fire alarm went off again!"
"I'm sorry!"
"Fire! Man the building!"
"Sorry Fireman Ray, it's not the fire alarm."
"Fatty McGee, is that you again!?"
"Yes." [Snort] "Sorry." [Snort]
"Didn't we tell you not to take the stairs anymore!?"
"But I like the stairs!"
"Why!?"
"They're fun!"
Put on your yamaca
It's time for Hanukkah
So much fun-uka
To celebrate Hanukkah
Hanukka is, the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents
We get eight crazy nights
When you fell like the only kid in town
Without a Christmas tree
Here's a list of people who are Jewish
Just like you and me
David Lee Roth lights the menorah
So does James Concord Douglas and the late Dina
Shora
Guess who eats together at the Carnegie Deli
Bowser from Sha NaNa and Arthur Fonzerelli.
Ponoman's half Jewish, Goldie Hawn's half, too.
Put them together, what a fine looking Jew
You don't need deck the halls or Jingle Bell Rock
''cause you can spin a dredl with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock
Both Jewish!
O.J. Simpson, not a Jew
But guess who is, Hall of Famer Rod Carew
We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby
Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish
Not too shabby
Some people think that Ebenezer Scrogge is
Well he's not, but guess who is
All three stooges
So many Jews are in show biz
Tom Cruise isnt, but I heard his agent is
Tell your friend Veronica
It's time to celebrat Hanukkah
Don't forget harmonica
On this lovely, lovely Hanukkah
So drink your gin and tonic-a
And smoke your maraijuana-ca
If you really, really, really, really wanna-ka
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy, Hannukah
Pass the fuckin ball!
What an idiot!
Fuck it, I'm gonna go get another beer. You guys want one?
Alright...
Two Please!
Oh boy...
Hahahaha
(phone rings)
Hello?... Yeah, yeah, cool, we're all just hangin out... Alright
Bye-bye...
Who was that, some chicks?
Nah, it was my neighbor, his robot's comin over
What?
Yeah, he built a robot a while ago and the robot came out gay
Yo, we're out of Hunnyduffers so I grabbed a couple of Gooseheads...
Okay, that's cool...
Wait, so the robot's gay?
Gay Robot's comin over?
Yep...
Oh, dude, you gotta see this, he's insane with football stats
No way!
(doorbell rings)
It's open!
Hey guys... what's up?
Hey, good to see ya Gay Robot...
Gay Robot in the house!
Word up... what's the score, fuckers?
Giants are eatin shit in the third quarter, it's 24-8 Miami...
Don't worry, the Giants have phenominal fourth quarter numbers...
Really?
They'll come back and win by three
Alright!
I love it!
Fuck you guys!
Sorry, buddy...
Who's the new guy?
Oh, that's my friend John.
Hey John... sweet hat!
Uh... thanks... what's goin on?
You know... just chillin... can I suck your dick?
What?
No, no, no, no, he's okay, Gay Robot...
That was funny...
The Gay Robot gets a little horny cause he doesn't know any
gay guys around here...
Oh, I see...
Sorry!
hehehe...
Oh, I can't believe you dropped that! Do something, Henderson,
you fat fuck!
Hey! That was very offensive to me!
Why? You're not fat...
I thought you said fag!
No, i wouldn't say that, I said fat...
Oh, sorry!
hahaha
I guess if you fist fuck me, we'll be even!
No, I'm not gay, Gay Robot...
I thought you said you were?
No... You know I never said that...
I know, I was just rousing you! Good times! Good times guys!
Hahahaha
Hey, Gay Robot's havin a good time!
So how do you think the Eagles are gonna do this season, Gay Robot?
Let's find out! (whirring, beeping noises) Says here, due to injuries
and irratic weather patterns, the Eagles will finish a dismal 7-9
What? No way!
Deal with it
The Gay Robot knows his shit, man
Now will someone blow it on my face?
Nobody's gay here but you, Gay Robot, so let's just watch some
football, alright?
Look, I'm not here to bring the party down... It's just... I run
on semen... Without it, I could die... Help me to live fellas...
Jerk off in my mouth immediatly... Please, my circuits are
shorting... Starting to fade already... See a light... Going
towards it....
hahahahah
You're makin this up, Gay Robot!
My bad! You got me! Hahaha... good times!
Hahaahaha...
So does he eat food like us... human people?
Yeah, he can eat food...
Ya want some tortilla chips, Gay Robot?
Sounds great, John. Can I dip them in your ass?
Ooh...
I'm all set, thanks
Hehehe...
What the fuck?! The reception's all fuzzy!
Are you kidding me?
Don't panic... I can fix it
Oh hey! That's right! I love it, work your robot magic, fix that shit!
Okay, here's the problem!
My man! What is it?
Your cock's not in my asshole!
Aww.... Maybe you should go home and take a cold shower, Gay Robot...
Alright... I'll go... We'll just whack each other off and I'll bail
Not gonna happen
Please?
Goodbye
Fuck you
Later Gay Robot
(fly unzips)
Oh no! Look what happened! My robo-cock fell out of my pants!
Oh, shit, he's got a boner!!
Taste it!!!
(spraying sounds)
Oh, oh!!!
Fuckin asshole!!!
Come on, Gay Robot!!!
Aww, man!
Later fags!
(Door opens and closes)
(Distant voices)
Hey Gay Robot
The Hukilau was the place where I first saw your face
We liked each other right away
But you didn't remember me the very next day
Forgetful Lucy has got a nice caboosey
I used to trick you into pulling your car over so we could chat
But my favorite time was when you beat the shit out of Ula with a bat
Then we drove up to see Dr. Keats
And found out why Doug always has to change his sheets
Forgetful Lucy cracked her head like Gary Busey
But I still love her so and I'll never let her go
Even if while I'm singing this song
She's wishing I had Jocko, the walrus' schlong
Forgetful Lucy, her lips are so damn juicy
When I was a boy
There was no limit to what I could eat
Shake after shake after shake after shake
Followed by all kinds of red meat
Metabolism runnin' around so fast
My body never gained to weight
That pissed off all my Momma's friends
And made my big-boned sister irate
But now I'm a man
And all that frolicking has caused my ego to hurt
'Cause even when I'm in the shower alone
I'm to embarrased to remove my shirt
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
And all them cookies I been munching lately
My feets are becoming difficult to see
I believe it was my Daddy
Who led me to this eating disease
By calling me "The Little Candy Ass"
When I couldn't finish a burger with cheese
Or maybe it was my Momma
Who got me addicted to all the wrong foods
Only when I gobbled down every chicken cutlet
Would I get to see Momma's good moods
They said eat this, they said eat that
To stay skinny there was no chance
And now when I walk I hear corduroy
Even though I ain't wearing pants
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
You fat fuck, You fat fuck
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
You fat fuck, You fat fuck
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
And all that ice cream I been eating lately
My chins alone weight 203
The diet starts tomorrow!
I have a grapefruit for breakfast
For lunch a bown of white rice
Dinnertime it's a saltless potato
I ain't allowed no spice
If this diet's gonna work
Tonight I can't eat no more
"Just go to sleep," I say to myself
As I close the bedroom door
Two in the morning, I wake up to piss
My belly's hungry and achin'
Tiptoe to the kitchen, fuck the diet
Bring on the chips flavored with bacon
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
He dine and dash me! He chew and screw me!
He sip and skip me!
What?
He no pay for his four scorpion bowl
Oh, boy
I'm the kinda guy that can't stand the holiday
So I drink them all away
That's me
I don't decorate no trees
And I won't eat no potato lakees
But I'll give this old ladies melons a squeeze
That's just who I am
Well, I'll never spin a dreidel
But I'll always throw an egg
And I'll Charlie horse your leg for laughs
While you're singing your holiday tune
I'm acting like the town Bafoon
Whipping out my big white scary moon
And blowing a beef your way
I hate folks who think reindeer are cute
To me they're just something to shoot
I hate love, I hate you, I hate me
Well I'm a snowmobile stealing
No 'tis the season' feeling
Kind of guy
(Kind of guy)
This time of year sucks
So I take my numchucks
And make sure every snowman dies
Believing in Santa's all wrong
And Chanukah's eight days too long
I hate love, I hate you, I hate me
SEAN: Ooh baby, you looking good.
GIRL: Thanks sean.
SEAN: you got it going on strong, baby. Skin so soft and hair so right.
GIRL: I think you're nice too, sean.
SEAN: Let me take off this shirt of yours and see that beauty mama has given you. -{taking off her clothes}- Ohh, so fine so right.
GIRL: Oh sean, you're so silly.
SEAN: What's going on with these little silk panties, baby? Slowly, slide them to the ground. -{taking down her panties}- (Gasps) yeah, baby yeah. That's what I'm talking about.
GIRL: It's my turn sean. Let me take down your pants. -{begins to unzip his pants}-
SEAN: Is that what you want to do baby? Why don't you put those soft sweet hands on my Jimmi-jamma.
GIRL: ...On your what?
SEAN: On my-- on my manhood,... baby.
GIRL: No wait a minute did you say "Jimmer Jammer" before?
SEAN: Well I-- I guess I did, I--
GIRL: -{beginning to gather all her clothes}- I got to go.
SEAN: No, no, you sure about this, baby?!
GIRL: Yeah, later King Jimmer Jammer. -{leaves}-
SEAN: Yeah, Cause I'll-- Cause I'll call you. Damn!!! Walking out all naked and shit.
"I can make a bigger splash than you!
Oh yeah?Give it a shot!
Can Opener!!(Splash)
Whoah!That was huge!!
You go.Ahh...Jacknife!!
That was a dud,Jimmy.
Shut up,Tracy.You shut up!
(Door Opens)Lunchtime,Kids!!
All right!
I made some jelly sandwiches and sliced up some cantalope
I figured you could eat a little and then play with your cock n balls
I'm just gonna eat,Mom.
Slow down Jimmy,you're gonna choke.
I'm hungry!
Put down your sandwich and play with your cock n balls
-{Sean pouring champagne-
SEAN: Yeah.Yeah.That's right.Baby I have to tell you, you looking unbelievably delicious laying there.
GIRL #3:Oh Sean, you're so sweet.
SEAN:Not as sweet as your silky thighs mama, I tink I want to taste'em.
-{He presses the 'play' button on his tape player-
I going to start with your scrumptious toes as an appetizers, then I'm going to move up your body with my tongue, 'til I reach those lucious icecream sundaes.
GIRL #3:Mm, sounds nice. what else?
SEAN:Well, then I'm going to work my way back down, 'cause it's time for the main course.I'm like a bee heading down to your honey pot.But I won't be flying away soon, no I won't.
-{she laughs sensually-
Ooh, zippity, dippity.
-{she takes a sip on the champagne-
-{she laughs sensually-
GIRL #3:Tell me, what do you want me to do to you?
SEAN:Yeah, baby, I got a lot on my menu, but if I could recommend something, it would have to be tonight's special:My pud.
GIRL #3:What did you just say?
SEAN:I said you going to like tonight's special...
GIRL #3:And that's your pud?
SEAN:Yeah.
GIRL #3:You got to leave.
SEAN:Mm-hmm.A'ight.Just let me find my pants and I--
-{looks for pants, finds them, struggles to put them on-
I'm leaving.
-{zips up pants--{stops tape player, pulls out tape-
Put on your yamulke
It's time for Chanukah (sounds good guys)
Once again it's Onakah
The miracle of Chanukah. (give it up for the Drei Dels)
Chanukah is the festival of lights.
One day of presents?
Hell no, We get eight crazy nights.
But if you still feel like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree
I guess my first two songs didn't do it for you
So here comes number three!
Ross and Phoebe from "Friends" say the Chanukah blessing.
So does Lenny's pal Squiggy and "Will & Grace"'s Debra Messing.
Melissa Gilbert and Michael Landon never mixed meat with dairy.
Maybe they should have called that show "Little Kosher House on the Prairie."
We got Jerry Lewis, Ben Stiller and Jack Black.
Tom Arnold converted to Judaism, but you guys can have him back!
(Just kidding Tommy!)
We may not get to kiss underneath the mistletoe
But we can do it all night long with Deuce Bigalow! (I'm jewish!)
Oh My God! Sweet Robbie Schneider is here!
Put on the yamukah
Here comes Chanukah
The guy in Willie Nelson's band who plays harmonica
Celebrates Chanukah.
Oooo, good job Schneider
Osama bin Laden--(Booo!)--not a big fan of the Jews.
Well, maybe that's because he lost a figure skating match to gold medalist
Sarah Hughes, her mama's Jewish!
Houdini and David Blaine escaped straightjackets with such precision.
But the one thing they could not get out of
Their painful circumcision.
As for Half-Jewish actors, Sean Penn is quite the great one,
And Marlon Brando not a Jew at all ,
But it looks to me like he ate one.
Gweneth Paltrow is half jewish
But an aweful time Oscar winner
Jeniffer Conneley's half jewish too
And I'd like to put some more in her
There's Lou Reed, Perry Ferrell, Beck and Paula Abdul.
Joey Ramone invented punk rock music
But first came Hebrew school.
Natalie Portmanukah
It's time to celebrate Chanukah.
I hope I get an Abrtronicah,
On this joyful, toyful Chanukah.
So get a high colonicah
And soil your long johnukahs
If you really really wantukah.
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy
The Champion
Donald: Welcome back on this glorious sunday afternoon for the final round of the Enbuary classic. The legendary Champion is now approaching the 18th tee off with an insomauntible 8th stroke lead.
The Champion: Well lets wrap this thing up
Donald: The gallery lets the champion know what a fine three days of golf he has had. The always charming Champion is now taking time to high five a young spectator and the boy, the boy is awestruck. Haha, the gallery erupts into delight
Random person in the gallery: Go get them champ!
Donald: Yes Yes. I think it would be hard to find in any sport a champion who is as beloved as this one. And the encouraging gallery goes silent. Eight strokes ahead of the pack, the Champion slowly starts his back swing.
(Honking car horn)
Champion: Four! (Hit the golf ball.)
Donald: Oh no no! Apparently the honking horn had some sort of concentration effect on the champions usual monstrous drive.
Champion: Is that Greag normens kid or something?
(Gallery begins to laugh.)
Donald: The Champion shakes it off and makes some sort of humorous remark about the horn to the gallery and they eat it up.
Champion: Lets get the ball back on the field.
Donald: Yes Yes, well now the Champion, his Caddy, and the elendent gallery make their way to the Champions ball, which is unfortunately larged next to a very thick tree route. The champion and his caddy talk it over. He;s going to play it safe and punch out with a 7 iron with a 8 stroke lead this is simply smart play by the legendary Champion. He approaches the ball.. lets watch.
Champion: Take a swing at the ball hitting the tree route in the process)
Donald: Oh,well I.. I dont think thats what the Champion had in mind when he took that swing. The ball is now 10 yards.. um into the woods after ricoshaying off the tree route, and thers a look of pain on the Champions face. He is shaking his hands as if to say I did not have a strong enough grip on the club when I hit the tree route, and my hands are stinging quite badly.
Champion: (Start Grunting)
Donald: The Champion is starting to mutter some obscenities about the car horn, which if you just joined us blew earlier during the champions back swing at the 18th tee off. Well now his caddy and friend of 25 years, Mr. Skipijankings, is doing every thing he can to get the champions mind back on track.
Skipijankings: (Say line during: is doing every thing he can...) Forget about the car horn, lets just win this thing!
Champion: Hahah, youre right.
Donald: What wonderful veteran words of wisdom. The Champion nods in agreement, and heads into the woods to set up for his third shot which he will have to play out of a dreadfully muddy lie. Hes sticking with his 7 iron closes the club face a little. He starts his swing.
Champion: (Swing at ball)
Donald: And the ball did not move, um if anything its a little deeper in the mud.
Champion: What is this fucking quick sand?!
Donald: The Champion is now conferring with coarse marshal, David Canner.
Champion: What do I do next?
David: Gonna have to drop one.
Donald: And yes i.. it has been ruled that his ball is unplayible, he will take a drop and a one stroke penally.
Champion: (Start laughing a bit too hard as if you where drunk)
Donald: and the Champion is now laughing very hard, uh one might say a little too hard, but none of the less, he drops his new Areo Fly Ball and resumes play.
Gallery: (Start to clap)
Donald: Back with his trusty 3 wood, the Champion lines up his shot. He starts his back swing.
Champion: (Fart)
Donald: He flatuates. Stops his swing, and steps away from his ball, and whispers something too his caddy, Mr. Skipijankings.
Skipijankings: Wha? What do you mean you got to take a Shit?
Champion: Ive got to shit.
Skipijankings: Finish the fucking hole, weve got to win this mother fucker!
Random man in gallery: Jesus Christ man!
Donald: Well now the Champion is staring angrily at his caddy. He continues to star for quite some time, and then abruptly walks back to his ball; not taking much time set up at all he swings,
Champion: (Swing at the ball.)
Connects, a Smash of a hit!
Gallery: (applaud)
Donald: Starting to slice, oh no it goes directly into the center of a man-made water hazard!
Champion: Youve got to be fucking kidding me!
Donald: The Champion slowly walks over to his golf bag, unzips it, and pulls out, hmm what I believe is a 16 oz silver beverage container and starts drinking in large gulps. Why dont we take this time for a word from our sponcers, and then we will return to our final round coverage of the Enbuary Classic. (Whispers: Well I have no idea what he was thinking)
ANNOUNCER GUY: What do 17 major championships, over 6 million dollars in prize money, and the complete domination of the sport of golf have in common? Two things: The Champion, and Areo Fly Balls. Areo Fly Balls, they just seem to go further. If its good enough for the Champion, dont you think its good enough for you.
Donald: Well welcome back to our final round coverage of the Enbuary Classic.
Random Man: (Say this during the beginning) PUT YOUR SHIRT BACK ON!
Champion: Ill tell you one thing. no ones fucking up me in my hole.
Donald: As we join the action,
Champion: Because thay are fucking ugly
Donald: we can see his caddy and long time friend, Mr. Skipijankings, trying to cox the Champion out of the sand trap where he is presently on his back making a snow angle.
Skipijankings: Get up! GET THE FUCK UP. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
Champion: All right( get out of hole)
Donald: Well the Champion is now ceasing his softmories behavior and is climbing out of the trap onto the green.
Champion: Yee-Haw! (Charge at Skipijankings and Tackle him)
Donald: The Champion has just tackled long time friend, Mr. Skipijankings, Ive never scene any thing like this.
Skipijankings: Thats it! Im getting the Fuck out of here! Youre fucked up dude, you need some help!
Champion: Ya I need help fucking your wife!
Skipijankings: Fuck you! (Kick the Champion very hard!) Dont you EVER TALK about my wife! Ill FUKING KILL YOU MAN!
Donald: Hear Hear! Generally Tempered, long time friend Mr. Skipijankings now storming off the forced hole, not with out hearing some expletive words hurled at him by the classless lord of the lace. Tears streaming down his face, the Champion is now alone on the green left with mainly a 12 foot put. (Police sirens are going off) Who would of thought that a horn honk could bring about such disaster and disarray in one mas life. The Champion, now lining up his put, using the flag stick as his putter for some odd reason. He takes a few steps towards the hole, unbuckles his belt, The CHAMPION is defecating in the cup, and the gallery has scene enough! Not a moment too soon the police have arrived, and are advancing towards the champion slowly. In a last desperate act, the Champion holds the flag stick as if it were a large lance from medieval times, and runs full kilt in rage in his eyes towards the Officers.
Officers(Begin firing guns)
[Billy]
Yes, I will go back to school,
And achieve victory,
No man will take what my father has built
Unless that man is me!
[Veronica]
My Billy, sweet Billy boy,
I knew you would go back,
No one can stop you if you try,
Don't I have a nice rack?
[Billy]
Veronica, I thank you,
For beating the shit out of me.
I see things so clearly now,
I choose my destiny!
[Veronica]
Oh, Billy, I knew you had it in ya!
[Kids]
We're here to help you, Billy,
Get back in school to stay,
You gotta work real hard, and stick it out,
'Til graduation day!
[Clown]
Hey, kids, it's me!
I betcha thought that I was dead!
But when I fell over I just broke my leg
And got a hemmoraghe in my head! [chuckle]
[Everyone]
There are obstacles in the way,
But together we shall overcome,
'Cause you can't break a spirit, and you can't kill a dream,
Do you have any more gum, more gum, more gum, more gum?
[Billy]
We just wrote this song on the bus the other day so just sit back and relax
I'm the 7 foot man,
I've commited no crime,
Bumping my head into doorways,
It happens all the time,
I'm 7 feet tall,
And I repeat,
They dont make a ski boot that can fit my feet,
I'm 7 feet tall,
And I dont play basketball,
I'm 7 feet tall,
But I'm still just a man,
So of course it hurts me a lot,
When I walk into the ceiling fan,
Small people say I wish I was him,
But its been nine years since I've had a trim,
The barber says,
I cant reach the top of his head,
7 foot man,
(ha ha)I cannot hide,
7 foot man,
I know cause I've tried,
7 foot man,
My last girlfriend died,
Because my penis,
Is 7 foot wide!!!!!!!!!
So the next time you see me,
Walking around,
And my head is right about to hit a tree branch,
Tell me to duck down,
And I'll pay you back ,
Soon you will see,
By getting you frisbee down from that tree,
I do what i can,
I'm the 7 foot man,
7 foot man,
Whitey:
Oh they day cant begin
Till the gard lets me in
Then I walk for some exersise
In less then a snap
I complete my daily lap
Then it's time to SOCILIZE
I visit Raidy and Ruth
at the Information Booth
have give the ear ring lady
a Ben and Jerry's Shake
Then I go to Pet Land
where the manager Stan
pays me a buck to feed a dangerous stake
Then I pass the tie rack
on my way to Radioshack
where I pretend to be a Hollywood Star
I try to walk like John Wayne
while singing in the rain
and the Janitor laughs from afar!
A little bit later,
On the glass elavator
we were so high I had to close my eyes
Janitor:
He takes his 11:30 crap
Whitey:
Then go over to the Gap
and try clothes on for Moms with kids my size
You want to Panda Express?
Their pepper Chicken is the best!
Go to sbarrow's for a medium drink
cause their staff is really nice
and they only use cubed ice
which is better then chushed I THINK
Bangle lesson nothing sees (?)
Look for chocolate heri-ings (?)
Cause he lets me catch a quick cat nap
he says he misses his daughter (?)
puts my hand in warm water
and I wake up with a WET YELLOW LAP
Footlocker is my last stop
where I have to go and shop
for some clean pants and a couple of fresh shirts.
Cuz when I leave the mall,
I 'reff' Youth League BASKETBALL
and to look your best... never hurts
But the greatest thing of all
If the truth be told
Here at the mall its never too hot or cold
Cuz they were smart enough to make it ....
temerature CONTROLLED.
Well,um it's the holiday season
And Santas' been checkin' his list to see whos' been naughty or nice
And I'm kinda feelin' guilty
So I wrote a song
So many presents, so little time
Santa won't be coming
By my house this year
'Cause I tried to drown my sister
And I pierced my ear
Oh mama made it perfectly clear
Santa don't like bad boys
Especially Jewish ones
Skanif-kanof and Lego blocks
Are what I desire
So, why'd I have to set
The pizza guy's hair on fire
I told him I was sorry, I'm a liar
So, no toys for me
I don't deserve 'em
I couldn't wait for a big wheel
As the holiday neared
But then I told my grandma
That she had a beard
(speaking) Dear Santa,
I know what my problem is
Why I can't be good
It's a fear of intimacy
You see, my whole life
Whenever I've met someone
really great like you and,
I keep feeling
I'm getting too close to them
Something inside me
Makes me want to screw it up
So in a weird way
The reason I'm so bad is because
I love you so much Santa
Rock 'em, Sock 'em robots
Is what I was hopin' for
But then I made a death threat
To Vice President Gore
Oh Santa won't be knockin' on my door
'Cause he's a big fat whore
What made me say that!?
Chutes and Ladders
Would be so good indeed
So why's I have to sell
That cop a bag of weed
So Santa please give me
My Easy Bake Oven
I swear I thought Billy goats
Were made for lovin'
So Santa won't you
Accept my appoligies
Santa can't you see
I'm beggin' you please
Oh Santa, next year
I'll do you right
Live from New York
[Intro]
Yo yo, Flyda, check that homegirl's butt out
Mmmhmm, girl, it's so flat!
You tell it like it is, Aisha
She looks like one of them lawyer's girlfriends
I mean her butt... it's just so small...
We're talkin slim pickin's, girl
What up, Aisha.. where is it? I don't even... see it!
Look...girl, she's just so.......WHITE!
I like small butts and i cannot lie
You honkies can't deny
When a girl walks in with an iddy biddy waist and a big thing
in your face i get sick!
Cos i like a toothpick
I'll beat that booty with a stick
Even the jeans she's wearin
Her pants are almost tearin!
No baby, i want a flat booty
That's tooty-fruity
The honkies tried to warn me
That butt you got is.....ooh, so corny!
Ooh chicken smooth skin
Ya say ya wanna get ma old?
Well peck me, peck me
Cos ya ain't that average chickadee
Hell with romancin
I'll take her wallet dancin
Rich... bitch
I'll dig for her money ditch
So tired of ebony
Black butts are not my theme
If ya ask me what my flavour is i'll tell ya its vanilla ice cream
So honkies (YEAH!)
Honkies (YEAH!)
Does ya girlfriend have a derriere? (HELL YEAH!)
Well shrink it, shrink it
So i can get right down and dink it
Baby got jack
(White honkies with a real small booty)
(White honkies with a real small booty)
Baby got jack
(White honkies with a real small booty)
(White honkies with a real small booty)
I like 'em flat and small
And when i'm in the mall
I just can't help myself
I'm doin the dog pound call (woof, woof, woof, woof)
Don't like a sister
Who farts while playin twista
I wish those beans did miss her
Even Uncle Ben would fist her
I like my booties real slender and tender
An' if i see a big booty
I'll put it in the blender
Don't want a rear fender
I get into my Honda
What the hell is an anaconda?!
All i know is i like Jane Fonda's
Better than Yolanda's
Baby got jack
(White honkies with a real small booty)
(White honkies with a real small booty)
Baby got jack
(White honkies with a real small booty)
(White honkies with a real small booty)
Yeah baby
When it comes to females
Cosmo knows everything what they're talkin about
36-24-36
Only if she's 7'8"
Flat on the bottom an' i like it like that
The problem's hiding in a cave across the sea,
The answer's easy if you take it logically,
He'll never stop us in our struggle to be free,
There must be.. 50 ways to get Bin Laden,
The President just put a bounty on his head,
He doesn't care if he's alive or if he's dead,
We'll send commandos there to pump him full of lead,
There must be.. 50 ways to get Bin Laden,
50 ways to get Bin Laden,
You just stab him in the back, Jack,
Blow up the cave, Dave,
Step on his veil, Dale,
Just listen to me,
Hit him with a bus, Gus,
Then send in a scud, Bud,
Just hang him from a tree, Lee,
So we can stay free,
It will not grieve us, here, to see him in such pain,
We have to stop him cos he's totally insane,
He's gonna end up with a bullet in the brain,
There must be.. 50 ways to get Bin Laden,
He thought the US would give up without a fight,
But now he's gonna face the full force of our might,
We'll show Osama what is wrong and what is right,
There must be.. 50 ways to get Bin Laden,
50 ways to get Bin Laden,
You just stab him in the back, Jack,
Blow up the cave, Dave,
Step on his veil, Dale,
Just listen to me,
Hit him with a bus, Gus,
Then send in the scud, Bud,
Just hang him from a tree, Lee,
So we can stay free,
You just stab him in the back, Jack,
Blow up the cave, Dave,
Step on his veil, Dale,
Just listen to me,
Hit him with a bus, Gus,
Then send in the scud, Bud,
Just hang him from a tree, Lee,
Well, I had myself a girlfrield
For almost two whole years
We had no secrets
We had no fears
There was nothing we wouldn't do
When we were in the sack
She'd even pop the zit on my back
But one night I was out cheating
After I drank a few
She caught me red handed
And said we're through
Now she's got a new boyfriend
It nearly gave me a heart attack
'Cuz who's gonna pop this zit on my back?
Well I got a pimple and I don't know why
It keeps growing in the same place
I can't reach it with my left or right hand
I wish it was on my face
It's four days old
And it hurts so bad
But it's ready for a squeeze
Won't somebody pop it for me please?
I'll give you ten dollars
If you're a girl in this lonely world
And you're looking for a guy
I'll never cheat again, I promise
That's no lie
There's only one thing I ask of you
Could we name our first child Zak?
Oh, one more thing
Please pop this zit on my back
I'm dying here!
A pimple ay-hee
A pop-a-doodly-doo
Squirt heedly-hoo
Well I'm sitting alone by the phone
And no one seems to call
I try to scrape my zit off on the kitchen wall
Well that don't work, so I look around
And find a big shiny thumb-tack
Put it on the floor, lay down
Hey you guys, I just wanted to thank you for listening to the record
and I hope you had as much fun as I did and here's one last little diddy just for you.
I used to ride my big wheel, and sell lemonade,
Eat popcorn with grandpa while we watched the parade
But now I'm only happy when I'm drinking J.D.
What the hell happened to me?
I used to have fun throwing snowballs with my best friend Billy
And Mom would make us cocoa if we got too chilly
But now I only get excited when I see a girl pee
What the hell happened to me?
I used to be the nicest kid in the neighborhood
I only did the things that Momma said I should
But now I just do whatever I want
I even whipped it out in a restaurant
I used to help clean the park in the middle of town
And then played kickball til the sun went down
But now all I do is get VD,
What the hell happened to me?
It makes no sense
I can't believe I ended on me
I'm out of my gourd
Won't somebody please, help me?
A do-do-do-do doo a do-do waa do-do-we-oh
Heres a little story
about a hockey team
who may just win the stanley cup
but only in there dreams
The team is from ottawa
the senators is there name
soon to be inducted in the golfing hall of fame
they say they'll beat our leafers
HA now there's a funny joke
cause every year at playoff time
the senators always choke
So 3 cheers for ottawa
a real team they are nottawa
they can give all that they gottawa
but the stanley cup will never go to Ottawa
Ottawa has their Parlament
and MPs in the news
and its kinda like their hockey team
they talk a lot but don't produce
there not the brightest either
I really have to say
when the capital of our country
spells Canada with a K (hey thats kanada)
Oh 3 cheers for Ottawa
they think they got a shottawa
they must be smokin pottawa
cuz the stanley cup will never go 2 ottawa
u better press your flood pants
its that time once again
2 here that familar ottawa senators saying
T off is at 10
so get ready for the crying
take out your hankerchief
you're about to get your ass kicked
by the toronto maple leafs
Oooh 3 cheers 4 ottawa
a lesson they'll be taughtawa
Hossa and Havlattawa
youll soon be golfing alotawa
What the hell else rhymes with Ottawa
not a whole heck of alotawa
there the team we already forgotawa
"They wanna hear the thanksgiving song! All right.."
"This is uhh, This is the Thanksgiving Song"
"I hope you enjoy it."
Love to eat turkey
Love to eat turkey
"I love you Adam!"
"Ohhh, I love you!"
Love to eat turkey
'Cause it's good
Love to eat turkey
Like a good boy should
'Cause it's turkey to eat
So good
"That clappin's messing my head up man. I appreciate it.
But I was trying to think of the next line and all I hear is clapping.
Here we go... Thanks anyways"
Turkey for me
Turkey for you
Let's eat the turkey
In my big brown shoe
Love to eat the turkey
At the table
I once saw a movie
With Betty Grable
Eat that turkey
All night long
Fifty million Elvis fans
Can't be wrong
Turkey lurkey doo and
Turkey lurkey dap
I eat that turkey
Then I take a nap
Thanksgiving is a special night
Jimmy Walker used to say Dynomite
That's right
Turkey with gravy and cranberry
Can't believe the Mets traded Darryl Strawberry
Turkey for you and
Turkey for me
Can't believe Tyson
Gave that girl V.D.
White meat, dark meat
You just can't lose
I fell off my moped
And I got a bruise
Turkey in the oven
And the buns in the toaster
I'll never take down
My Cheryl Tiegs poster
Wrap the turkey up
In aluminum foil
My brother likes to masturbate
With baby oil
Turkey and sweet potato pie
Sammy Davis Jr.
Only had one eye
Turkey for the girls and
Turkey for the boys
My favorite kind of pants
Are corduroys
Gobble gobble goo and
Gobble gobble gickel
I wish turkey
Only cost a nickel
Oh I love turkey on Thanksgiving
My girlfriend left me for a seven foot Indian
My grandma hung herself on a tree in the Caribbean
My sister's on the dope and my brother always picks his nose
And Daddy's only happy when he's wearing Mama's pantyhose, yeah
I just lost my job to a God damn robot (Good times!)
Then my dog got in the freeze box, he ate everything I got
But I've got my mule
He's a very, very nice mule
He walks with me home from school
Cause he's a very, very nice mule
When he was a baby my mother fed him gruel
But now he prefers to dine on his own stool
He always philosophizes with the rabbis after shul
Cause he's a very, very pious mule
When he sees a picture of a carrot he has a tendency to druel
On Halloween he tries to scare me by dressing up as a ghoul
He once challenged someone who stole my hat to a duel
Cause he's a very, very Old school mule
A needle-nosed plier is his favorite tool
He lifeguards on a volunteer basis and the Rec. Center pool
When I break down on the side of the road he shows up with unleaded fuel
He's a devoted fan of Ms. Paula Abdul
And also approves of the recent makeover of former folkie Jewel
(coughing)
When I told him Halle Berry's husband cheated he just shook his head and said to himself 'what a fool'
Cause he's a very, very monogamous mule
(snoring) Porkchop! Wake up, man, the session's not over!
After several well-publicized arrests for public urination he now drinks exclusively O'Doul
And every year he puts on a presentation at the Boys Club to show kids smoking isn't cool
His favorite Elvis song is 'Don't be Cruel', no it's 'Hound Dog'
"And now the Excited Southerner proposes to a girl."
"You wanted to ask me something?"
"Yes, I did. I - first of all I just wanted to say that you're --
very pretty girl, and I, I -- hoo --
you'the -- we've known each other for so long now,
and-uh, it's about time that the two of us --
we're both getting older right now, and-uh, and I don't want to die alone, I --
tell you that much -- hoo --
getting ahead of myself --
got ta slow down, hoo-hoo, concentrate on what I'm trying to get across
to you right now, hoo, I mean,
whe-whe-whe-whe-whe-whe-whe-whe-whe-whe-willing to be a house husband,
you don't have to qu-qu-qu-qu-quit your job there,
there, I'm, I'm, the-, I'm, I'm -- hoo, honeymoon in the Poconos, with the --
hoo, woo hoo -- sex optional --
you don't have to do what you don't want to do, hoo hoo hoo hoo,
someday you're going to love me, and that -- that's fi--
til death do us part I,
we'll get the chocolate cake and the sunrise and the sunset --
no prenuptial agree --"
"Look, are you trying to ask me to marry you?
Because I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment."
[Adam Sandler]:
And now the excited Southerner gets pulled over by a cop.
[Cop]:
Do you realize how fast you were going sir?
{Excited Southerner]:
Yes..yes I do...and uh there is an explanation for that...first of all..let me
Start off by saying...I...I...I...I...I...you...you...you... you...work very
Hard...and I do respect what you do...protectin and uh
Servin...I...I...I...speedometer...got the...lead foot...you got the radar
Gun...not reliable...I...I...got the diarrhea...got to...get home..for
The...whoo...it...uh...it pregnant wife...she's at the hospital right
Now...giving birth to twins...I gotta get there...got...the guy next to me
Was...going faster than me....just keeping up...with the traffic...my
Cousin's....also a state trooper...in New Jersey...maybe you could talk to...a
Tree branch was...covering the speed limit sign...with a...and a truck was
Tailgating me...I just hope...
[Cop]:
"Okay...
This is a song that uhh..
There's a lot of Christmas songs out there and uhh..
not too many Chanukah songs.
So uhh..
I wrote a song for all those nice little Jewish kids who don't get to hear
any Chanukah songs.
Here we go..."
Put on your yarmulke
Here comes Chanukah
So much funukah
To celebrate Chanukah
Chanukah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights
When you feel like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree
Here's a list of people who are Jewish just like you and me
David Lee Roth lights the menorah
So do James Caan, Kirk Douglas, and the late Dinah Shore-ah
Guess who eats together at the Carnegie Deli
Bowser from Sha Na Na and Arthur Fonzerelli
Paul Newman's half Jewish, Goldie Hawn's half too
Put them together, what a fine lookin' Jew
You don't need "Deck The Halls" or "Jingle Bell Rock"
'Cause you can spin a dreidel with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock- both Jewish
Put on your yarmulke
It's time for Chanukah
The owner of the Seattle Supersonicahs
Celebrates Chanukah
O.J. Simpson, not a Jew
But guess who is? Hall of famer Rod Carew- he converted
We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby
Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish- not too shabby
Some people think that Ebenezer Scrooge is
Well he's not, but guess who is
All three Stooges
So many Jews are in showbiz
Tom Cruise isn't, but I heard his agent is
Tell your friend Veronica
It's time to celebrate Chanukah
I hope I get a harmonicah
Oh this lovely, lovely Chanukah
So drink your gin and tonicah
And smoke your marijuanikah
If you really, really wannakah
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy Chanukah
"And now the buffoon's date at the drive-in with the school's valedictorian."
"I really appreciate you're asking me out.
Most people are intimidated by my high academic achievement."
"This movie sucks shit!"
"Well, Ebel gave it thumbs up,
but Ciscel thought it was too preachy.
Anyway, I enjoyed the director's last film immensly."
"Cathleen Turner has big fuckin' tits!"
"Yes, well, she recently had a child.
I think her maternal biology may play a role in that.
She looks fabulous for a woman her age, doesn't she?"
"I put a firecracker in a bullfrog's mouth and blew his fuckin' head off."
"Well, in psychology we learned that it is not uncommon
for male adolescents to commit savage acts on animals as part of their maturing process."
"That girl in the fucking car in front of us, she gives everybody head."
"Well, I guess she's strong for attention and she feels promiscuity is the only way to obtain it."
"This popcorn's fuckin' terrible. It tastes like someone jizzed all over it."
"Well the amount of semen on this popcorn is certainly disturbing.
Perhaps the staff in the refreshment stand was overcome
by the monotony of their work and decided to play a childish prank."
"I looked at my asshole in the mirror today. It blew my fuckin' mind!"
"It's ironic that parts of one's body seems odd
and unusual because you don't see them on a day to day basis.
"My father's shit stinks up the bathroom all fuckin' day!"
"It's puzzling why one person's fecal odor can be more overpowering than another's.
I wonder whether it is a function of the food digested or that person's internal metabolism."
"I'm gonna go get head from that fuckin' girl."
"Well, I'm sorry to see the date come to such an abrubt conclusion."
"I do appreciate the time you spent with me and look forward to a future rondevue."
"I like to piss in that guy's fuckin' gas tank!"
When I was just a little wee lad
I hopped on the lap of my dear old dad
Something jumped and poked me good
'That' he said 'just me morning wood'
A little tin soldier's marchin by
Sergeant major unzips his fly
Pulls his weapon from his camouflage pants
Slaps away til it starts to dance
A shootin star's above my bed
Changin colors of my mushroom head
A rainbow jizz flys across the room
Little white spermies meet their doom
(Ah!) The amazing Willy Wanker!
(Aaaah!) The amazing Willy Wanker!
And my scrotum sack he says
Lalalalalala, tickle me!
Little green men from outer space
Here to exterminate the human race
Drop their ray guns and retreat to their ships
When marshmallow sauce squirts from me tip
Like a knight of olden Camelot
The goo takes off like an arrow shot
Gwynevere drops to her knees and begs
For the spittin dragon between me legs
I'm using my thing for what it's for
Gentle knock upon me door
Mumsy drops her cup of tea
When she sees my wank standing tall and free
(Ah!) The one and only Willy Wanker!
(Aaaaah!) Here comes Willy Wanker!
And my marble sack he says
Lalalalalala, tickle me!
Rasberry scones and marmalade!
Squeezing my squid in the evening shine!
Visions of mermaids in the sky!
Shooting my load in me own left eye!
Gramps was a hero in the first World War
But he ain't got no dick no more
Comes home smokin from the corner pub
Makes poor old Gramsy kiss his nub
The world spins around like a big bass drum
Nanny pops a pinkie in the generals bum
The Irish dance and the Scotsmem howl
Time to clean up with the washroom towel
(Ah, yeah!) It's only Willy Wanker, yeah!
(Ah!) The lonely Willy Wanker!
And my wrinkled sack he says
"THE THANKSGIVING SONG" / Adam Sandler
Transcribed by Noah Rollins, or
noah@grove.ufl.edu
Love to eat turkey
Love to eat turkey
Love to eat turkey
'Cause it's good
Love to east turkey
Like a good boy should
'Cause it's turkey to eat
So good
Turkey for me
Turkey for you
Let's eat the turkey
in my big brown shoe
Love to eat the turkey
At the table
I once saw a movie
With Betty Grable
Eat that turkey
All night long
Fifty million Elvis fans
Can't be wrong
Turkey turkey doo and
Turkey turkeydap
I eat that turkey Then I take a nap
Thanksgiving is a special night
Jimmy Walker used to say Dynomite
That's right
Turkey with gravy and cranberry
Can't believe the Mets traded Darryl Strawberry
Turkey for you and
Turkey for me
Can't believe Tyson
Gave that girl V.D.
White meat, dark meat
You just can't lose
I fell off my moped
And I got a bruise
Turkey in the oven
And the buns in the toaster
I'll never take down
My Cheryl Tiegs poster
Wrap the turkey up
In aluminum foil
My brother like to masturbate
With baby oil
Turkey and sweet potato pie
Sammy Davis Jr.
Only had one eye
Turkey for the girls and
Turkey for the boys
My favorite kind of pant
Are corduriys
Gobble gobble goo and
Gobble gobble gickel
I wish turkey
Only cost a nickel
"So ya doin' good?"
"Ya, I'm fine, how 'bout you?"
"How good could I be? I haven't seen you in three hours."
"Ohhh, Richie. Hey Richie, my dad's down the hall,
and he doesn't want me on the phone.
So if I hang up on you, it's just because he's coming."
"Ok. So look, uh, do you wanna meet at the Spring Fling Dance thi..."
"Hello?"
"Sorry, I thought he was coming."
"That's ok. So, about the dance. Do you wanna meet
"Umm, well my brother gets the car on Friday nights."
"Well that's ok, I'll come by and get you. Lets say around..."
"Come on.."
"Hey."
"Sorry. I guess he was just going to the bathroom."
"That's ok. Well look, uh.. what was I saying?
Oh yeah, should I pick you up at like seven-thirty
or maybe do you wanna go later when the dance is really kickin.."
"Give me a break..."
"Hello."
"Sorry. It was just my dog."
"Hey, what's your dad's problem anyways!? Why can't we talk?"
"He just thinks I'm on the phone too much.
Oh my God, uh, I gotta go."
"Don't hang up!"
"Richie, I can't talk!"
"No, I'm sick of this! Put your dad on the phone! I wanna talk to him."
"It's not my dad."
"What? Well, who's there? Why can't you talk?"
"Uh, just look Richie, someone is here."
"Who's there? Is it a guy!?"
"Richie!"
"I knew it! I'll kill him! Put him on the phone!"
"oh.. it's just.. hold on."
"Hey man! What the hell are you doing there!? Samantha's my girl!
You'd better stay away from her or I'll make you wish you were never born!"
"Fuckin' shit!"
"Yeah, fuckin' shit is right buddy!
Don't think I'm kidding around, man! I'm crazy! I'll smash your head in! I swear to God!"
"One time I saw my Grandmother in the shower. Her bush starts above her belly button."
"Yeah, well that's too bad! But I'm still gonna come over there and beat your face in!"
[Samantha: "What happened? Was he mad?"
[Buffoon: "My neighbor's dog has a four inch clit!"
- "Polychronopolous"
I'm a big fuckin' dick
I'm a pain in your ass
I drink all your beer
I'll eat the last slice
I'll give you charley horses
I'll pull your shorts down at the beach
I always need a ride
Nobody likes me
My name's Steve Motherfucking Polychronopolous
I spit when I talk
I swear in front of your mother
I throw shit at the movies
I wear tight pants
I ask you to buy an extra Yankee ticket
And then I don't show
I tell you I saw your girlfriend
Fucking two guys at a party
'Cause my name's Steve Motherfucking Polychronopolous
I'll piss on your toilet seat and tell your dad you got stoned
I'll borrow your jacket and never think of returning it
Polychronopolous
Pansy
Pussy
Shit for brains
Douchebag
I'll leave your gate open
So your dog runs away
I'll make fun of your pimple
Then I'll grab your sister's ass
'Cause my name's Steve Motherfucking Polychronopolous
And I don't care
And I don't give a shit
I'll break your brother's stereo
And then tell him it was you
You think you're better than me
Well you're fucking wrong
Everybody knows I'm Steve Motherfucking Polychronopolous
Ok, I just want to warn you that when I wrote this song I was listening to the
Cure a lot.
You don't know how much I need you.
While you're around I don't feel blue.
And when we kiss I know that you need me too.
I can't believe I found a love that's so pure and true.
But it all was bullshit.
It was a goddam joke.
And when I think of you Linda,
I hope you fucking choke.
I hope you're glad with what you've done to me.
I lay in bed all day long feeling melancholy.
You left me here all alone, tears running constantly.
Oh somebody kill me please,
somebody kill me plee-ase,
I'm on my knees,
pretty pretty please kill me.
I want to die.
Put a bullet in my head.
(telephone rings)
I'll be up in a few! Hello?
Hey, Sid, it's Alex. Just callin to wish ya a happy birthday, man.
Alex, Alex, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you
for remembering, thank you.
My pleasure. Did you do anything fun today?
Nothing special. Amy made lasagna, we had cake, the kids
gave me a tie and some socks, terrific.
That's awesome, man. Hey, I got a gift comin your way too. I
Fedex'ed it so you should probly get it tomorrow.
(Gasp) Thank you, thank you, Alex, thank you. What is it?
It's pretty cool. You'll see tomorrow.
Aww, come on, give me a hint at least. Can I ride it? Can
I eat it?
Nope.
Can I fuck it?
Ahaha, no.
Can it fuck me?
Is it hairy? Is it something I can shave?
Can it blow me?
No....
Is it something I can blow?
No...
Can I fuck it?
You already asked me that...
If I take it apart, are there individual parts that I can fuck?
I don't think so...
Fair enough... If I sit on it for a while, will I cum?
Noooo....
Is it something Amy can strap on and fuck me with?
Sid! No!
If I get jizz all over it, will it be ruined?
I think...
Does it sweat?
Noo...
Is it something that can be used like... a pussy?
That's just another way of asking if you can fuck it...
My bad... Does it get big if you touch it?
No...
Does it get hard if you touch it?
Nooo...
If my Amy catches me blowing it, will she be mad?
Look, you can't blow it, man, we already talked about that...
Right, okay... let's say I'm stranded on a desert island with
just this item... am I getting a rim job?
Can I fuck it?
NO, it's a toaster, man, just a toaster!
Oh! So I can fuck it? In fact, two people can fuck it at the
same time! Alex, ya wanna come over and fuck my toaster
this weekend?
Don't mind if i doo doo....
Hahaha, oh, Alex
Though I have been a fool for love
I have finally made my score
I got a girl, and I don't mean to boast
But she loves me the most
Even though she's a highly paid whore
She'll give head to a sheep
She can stuff three cocks in her cheek
But she comes home to me
She'll do the groom and the best man
She'll slap your ass in the back of a van
But she comes home to me
She could fuck nine guys in a row
But still have a tenth for me
And I'm the only one who gets to kiss them lips
Unless you pay an extra fifty
So mister, don't you fall in love
Cause I'm the only cat who doesn't wear a glove
Since her heart belongs to me
She has a throat that just won't quit
She can take all of it
And still have room for your balls
but she shops in the malls for me
She'll say twelve then call back and say one
But I don't care I know it's just work not fun
When she blows you, Jack
Don't you think she's not thinking of me
She'll go down on a yack, lick a horse's nutsack
But strictly for the cash
And it's only me who doesn't pay a fee
to watch her put a water bottle in her gash
(Put a water bottle in her gash)
She'll let you suck her nips till they're leakin'
But don't you dare try to go antique-ing
Cause she does that with me
Her pussy's sweet as honey
But when she moans, it's just for the money
Unless she's sittin' on me
She'll cram your asshole with a mouse
But she won't do it in our house
Tough luck, Jack
She knows that don't fly with me
She might eat your wife's box
But she won't tell ya where you left your socks
She rolled up and down your fat prick
But it was me who took her to the Meg Ryan flick
She's got a face full of nuts
And a mouth full of cocks
She's done Seal, Larry King, four New Kids on the Block,
She blew the Winnepeg Jets right after a game
But they never got to know her actual name
On your face she will piss
On your chest she might poop
But she won't prepare her famous vegetable soup
That's simply reserved..
Oh she'll bite ya, she'll spank ya
But she'll never thank you for free
Cause baby... comes home to me.
"Come on Robert! Pitch it in there, baby!
We're behind you here in right field! One down!
Two to go! Hum it now! Yeah! Show 'em the magic! This chump can't hit!"
"Please God, don't help him hit it to me.
Anywhere but to right field. Please God, I bet you."
"Come on now! No batter! No batter! Big whiffer! Big whiffer!"
"Oh please, don't let him hit it to me. My God, not to me."
"Steam it baby! Steam it!"
"Oh God no, Oh God no, Oh God no, Oh God no."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Oh good! It's not to me."
"Good catch, Steven! Nice glove!
You da man! Two away now! Lookin' good!
We're all looking good out here! Come on Robert!
This lump of crap can't hit!"
"Oh God, he's a leftie! A big leftie!
Total power to hit it. He's gonna pile it right to me and there's nothing I can do to stop him."
"Pitch 'em the funny one, Robert! Big whiffer! Big whiffer!"
"Oh he is a natural athlete and I am so worthless.
Please God, take his life. Make him die."
"No batter! No batter!"
"Oh God. This is not happening.
No, don't do this to me. Please. Make it stop."
"OWWWW! My elbow!"
"Throw it to second! Pick it up already!"
"Take it! Just take the ball!"
"Nice throw, you pansy!"
"Ok, get under control.
Easy now, easy. Say something to the team."
"Good hussle everybody! Yeah! Nice work! Play's at third!"
"That wasn't funny, Lord. I've been so good and for what!?"
"Come on, Robert! Settle down! Just throw straight!
You get it across the plate! We'll take care of the rest!"
"Oh no, another lefty."
"NOO! Why me again!?"
"OWWWW! My neck!"
"I can't breath. I can't breath."
"Pick it up and throw it, you moron!"
"Here..come on, here.. Take the ball! Take it!"
"Way to kick it in, Pele!"
"Oh hahaha. Pele! Good one! Hehehe..
Ok! Come on! Suck it up guys! We'll get those runs back!
This is where we dig down!
We just need one more out!"
"Oh look! A rightie! Oh Lord, thank you. Thank you so much. I owe you."
"This loser can't hit! No batter! Come on, this is where we take them out!"
"Uh oh, what's happening? Where's the rightie going? What?
Who's this guy? He's a leftie and he's pinch hitting. No! No!"
"Why's he pointing at me!?"
"Oh my Lord! What have I done to deserve this?!"
"I got it! I got it!"
"Whoa! Sorry about that, Russel. Are you ok?"
"HELL YEAH! We're up now! It's our turn to kick a little ass!"
"All right, Russel. I think you're up first."
My mom bought you when I was just 13,
the brightest red sweatshirt I ever seen.
She got an extra large so I wouldn't grow out,
"That's too big for you!" the other kids would shout.
But we stuck together, we didn't quit,
and now the children say, "What a perfect fit."
I love you sweeeeatshirt
red hooded
sweeeeatshirt
dip dip dip
sweeeeatshirt
shama lama ding dong
sweeeeatshirt.
I like to rest my hands in your kangaroo pouch,
it makes them feel comfy like a big soft couch.
And I don't care if the weather's no good,
I say "See you later rain" as I pull up my hood.
Remember that long bus trip when I needed a nap?,
I used you as a pillow on that Spanish lady's lap.
I love you sweeeeatshirt red hooded
sweeeeatshirt
dip dip dip sweeeeatshirt
shama lama ding dong
sweeeeatshirt.
Oh what is it about you that makes me so jolly?,
Is it your fifty cotton or your fifty poly?
I don't knoooooooww
ohh ohh hoo hoo hoo.
Oh red hooded sweatshirt we been through a lot together
like that time I played in that shirts
and skins basketball game and I had to take you off
and throw you in the corner of the gym.
I was midway through the game and then I saw you looking at me.
You were staring as if to say
"Adam, you suck at basketball, you dribble like a damn woman.
" I was so mad I challenged you to a game of one on one
and you know sweatshirt, even though I beat you 11 to 9,
deep in my soul I know you missed those lay-ups on purpose.
You let me win and that why I'll forever feel this way.
I love you sweeeeatshirt
red hooded
sweeeeatshirt
dip dip dip
sweeeeatshirt
shama lama ding dong
sweeeeatshirt.
Come on audience members, help me out here.
I love you sweeeeatshirt
red hooded
sweeeeatshirt
dip dip dip
sweeeeatshirt
shama lama ling dong
sweeeeatshirt.
I love you sooooooooooo.
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