Here are the actual song lyrics.
NOTE: Lyrics in Italics denote lyrics that were sung.
Lyrics:
Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop
You know the place
well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy
Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning
My mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast
Awww - Big bowl of sauerkraut
Every single mornin
It wa driving me crazy
I said to my mom
I said "Hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?"
And my dear, sweet mother
She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train
And she leaned right down next to me
And she said "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU"
And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old
That's when I swore that someday
Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place
Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer
And the towels are oh so fluffy
Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long
And anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel
Wacka wacka doodoo yeah
Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true
Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest
To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt
I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize
That's right, a first class one-way ticket to
Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Oh yeah
You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before
And I gotta tell ya, it was really great
Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor
And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time
The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts
And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore
And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out
And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside
And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died
Except for me
You know why?
'Cause I had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Ah ha ha ha
Ah ha ha
Ahhhh
So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage
I crawled on my hands and kneew for three full days
Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag
And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball
And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel
But finally I arived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn
Where the towels are oh so fluffy
And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
It's OK, they're clean
Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C
And I turned on the SpectraVision
And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door
Well now, who could that be?
I say "Who is it?"
No answer
"Who is it?"
There's no answer
"WHO IS IT?"
They're not sayin' anything
So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected
It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril
Oh man, I hate it when I'm right
So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel
And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"
"That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me"
And he's like "Tough"
And I'm like "Give it"
And he's like "Make me"
And I'm like "'Kay"
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
Yes indeed, you better believe it
And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook
And twenty seconds later, I heard a farmiliar voice
And you know what it said?
I'll tell you what it said
It said
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"
In Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel
But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest
I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice
But first, I decided to buy some donuts
So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop
And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"
I said "You got any glazed donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts"
I said "You got any jelly donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts"
I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts"
I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?"
He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls"
I said "You got any apple fritters?"
He said "No, we're outta apple fritters"
I said "You got any bear claws?"
He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check"
"No, we're outta bear claws"
I said "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"
He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels"
I said "OK, I'll take that"
So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out
And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over
(rabid gnawing sounds)
Oh man, they were just going nuts
They were tearin' me apart
You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head"
I believe it went a little something like this . . .
Get 'em off me
Get 'em off me
No, get 'em off, get 'em off
Oh, oh God, oh God
Oh, get 'em off me
Oh, oh God
Ah, (more screaming)
I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face
Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'
Like a constipated weiner dog
And as luck wouls have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams
Her name was Zelda
She was a caligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches
I'll never forget the first thing she said to me.
She said "Hey, you've got weasels on your face"
That's when I knew it was true love
We were inseperable after that
Aw, we ate together, we bathed together
We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss
The world was our burrito
So we got married and we bought us a house
And had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and Superfly
Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah
But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me
She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?"
I said "Woah, hold on now, baby"
"I'm just not ready for that kinda commitment"
So we broke up and I never saw her again
But that's just the way things go
In Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Anyway, things really started lookin' upi for me
Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream
That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler
I even made employee of the month after I put that grease fire out with my face
Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
I was gettin' a lot of attitude
OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot
Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil
When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself
So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"
And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes
"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw"
So I did
And then he gets all indignant on me
He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic"
Well, that's just great
How was I supposed to know that?
I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud
Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy
So what's he complaining about?
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a bit in three days
Well, I knew what he meant
But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein
And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over
And I'm like "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?"
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming
(screaming sounds)
You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation
Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?
Anyway, um, um, where was I?
Kinda lost my train of thought
Uh, well, uh, OK
Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it
But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is
I hate sauerkraut
That's all I'm really tryin' to say
And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up
And find yourself in an existential quandry
Full of loathing and self-doubt
And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
Somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up universe of ours
There's still a little place called
Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
I said "A" (A)
"L" (L)
"B" (B)
"U" (U)
"querque" (querque)
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque
(belch)
Here are the lyrics from the album booklet.
NOTE: The following lyrics are type exactly as they appear in the booklet.
Lyrics:
Way back when I was just a little bitty boy
living in a box under the stairs in a corner of
the basement of the house half a block down
the street from Jerr's Bait Shop... You know
the place... Well anyway, back then life was
going swell and everything was juuuuust
peachy... except of course for the undeniable
fact that every single morning my mother
would . . . you know what? The rest of these lyrics
aren't gonna fit on here. There's just no room
left. What a drag, huh? I guess we didn't plan
this out very well . . . probably should've used a
smaller font or a bigger piece of paper or some-
thing. Sorry. We all feel just horrible about this.
Well, I guess you'll just have to listen really carefully
and try to figure out the words for yourself.
Good luck.
the devil went to jamaica
he was lookin' to sell some weed
he was doin' fine
they were standin' in line
it was excellent weed indeed
when he came across a young man
who was likewise peddelin' pot
and the devil slid down the beach to the kid
and said 'boy lemme tell you what'
i guess you kinda figured i'm a reefer head of course
and after all this time
i guess that i'm
a connoisseur of sorts
now your stuff smells ok
but this could tranquilize a horse
i'll bet a million in cash
against your stash
coz i think mine's better than yours
the boy said 'my name's johnny and you ain't smoked nothin' yet'
one hit of this grass
will kick your ass
you got yourself a bet
johnny roll a ball of hash
and make sure it's the bomb
coz the devil's got the kind of stuff
they smoked in vietnam
you'll get a million smackaroo's
in cash if you cash if you can cook,
but if you can't devil'll get your dope
the devil packed a bong
with a little acapulco gold
and resin flew from his fingertips
as he fired up his bowl
he filled that chamber all the way
and he took a mighty hit
as they passed it back and forth
it gave'em both a coughin' fit
when the bowl was finished johnny said
'hey man that stuff was great'
but fill your lungs with some of this
and prepare to vegetate
cannabis,apeeva,sweet mary jane
the devil's in the back yard fryin' his brain
zig zag filled with a diggity dang
hold on tight it'll hit you like a tank
the devil nodded off because he knew that he was stoned
and he asked if he could buy an ounce of the stuff that johnny owned.
johnny said 'devil just come on back if you ever wanna catch a buzz'
i done told you once you son of a bitch,
mine's the best there ever was
then they
fired up doobies one by one,
ain't gonna stop 'til the bag's done
green as a bullfrog,
sticky as glue
granted you'll get high,
yes i do
Yeah
Well, Well, Milton Bradley's got a def one
It's a Twister (Twister, Twister, Twister)
Yeah, all the girls and homeboys
Playin' Twister (Twister, Twister, Twister!)
Spin the spinner and call the shot
Twister ties you up in a knot
That's Twister
Yeah, Twister
Check it
Right foot blue (Right foot blue)
Left hand red (Left hand red)
Left, Right, Yellow, Blue, Green
Yeah, Twister
Now, everybody's chillin'
With the Twister (Twister)
Wherever things are illin'
You'll find Twister (Twister, Twister!)
That's Twister
Yeah, Twister
Yeah buddy
You gotta get it
Yeah Twister
You make me wanna slam my head against the wall
You make me do the limbo
You make me wanna buy a slurpee at the mall
You make me watch the Gong Show
There's really something kinda strange about you, baby, but I can't exactly seem to put my finger on it
You make me
You make me
You make me
That's what you do to me
You make me wanna hide a weasel in my shorts
You make me wanna phone home
You make me wanna write a dozen book reports
Then pack myself in styrofoam
Sometimes you make me want to build a model of the Eiffel Tower out of Belgian waffles
You make me
You make me
You make me
That's what you do to me
(You make me) That's what you do
(You make me) That's what you do
(You make me) That's what, what you do to me
You make me wanna hang out in a trailer park
Then take my hamster to the beach
You make me wanna do my laundry in the dark
And use a recommended bleach
When I'm with you I don't know whether I should study neurosurgery or go to see the Care Bears movie
You make me
You make me
You make me
That's what you do to me
(You make me) That's what you do
(You make me) That's what you do
(You make me) That's what, what you do to me
That's what you do to me
That's what you do to me
That's what you do to me
You make me wanna break the laws of time and space
You make me wanna eat pork
You make me wanna staple bagels to my face
Then remove 'em with a pitchfork
You know there's something quite unusual about you but I can't exactly seem to put my finger on it
You make me
You make me
You make me
That's what you do to me
(You make me) That's what you do
(You make me) That's what you do
(You make me) That's what, what you do to me
(You make me) That's what you do
(You make me) That's what you do
(You make me) That's what you do-do-do-do-do to me
(You make me) That's what you do
(You make me) That's what you do
(You make me) That's what you do to me
They only show you their gums when they smile
Aint got a tooth in their heads now how vile
Only can eat things like pudding and applesauce
They never have to buy toothpicks or dental floss
Hey, stand up
Toothless people, the breath is lethal
Wanna tell ya
Hey, (come on), stand up, (get on your feet)
Toothless people, old and feeble
What I say
No more of those pearly whites will they posses
Their oral hygiene is frightful a mess
Lots of ‘em suffering from trench mouth and gum disease
At least they don't have to worry ‘bout cavities
Hey, stand up, (take out your teeth)
Toothless people, old and feeble
Oh yes
You can brush ‘em. You can floss ‘em
They're something you just can't ignore
If you lose ‘em your in trouble
‘Cause the tooth fairy won't come no more
You need something to show your dentist
The next time he makes you say ahh
You don't wanna have to wind up
Eating all of your food through a straw
(Like toothless people)
(Toothless people)
You better brush your teeth now
Toothless toothless toothless toothless people…
They see me mowin'
My front lawn
I know they're all thinking
I'm so White N' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Can't you see I'm white n' nerdy
Look at me I'm white n' nerdy!
I wanna roll with-
The gangsters
But so far they all think
I'm too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
I'm just too white n' nerdy
We really white n' nerdy
First in my class here at M.I.T.
Got skills I'm a
Champion of DND
MC Escher that's
My favorite MC
Keep your 40
I'll just have an Earl Grey tea
My rims never spin to the contrary
You'll find they're quite stationary
All of my action figures
and cherries
I got Steven Hawkings in my library
My MySpace page is all totally pimped out
I got people begging for my top 8 spaces
Yo i got pie out of thousand places
Ain't got no grills but I still wear braces
I order all of my sandwiches with mayonnaise
I'm a whiz at minesweeper I can play for days
Once you see my sweet moves you're gonna stay amazed, my fingers movin' so fast I'll set the place ablaze
There's no killer rap I haven't run
A past gal well I'm number 1
I play with calcules just for fun
I ain't got a get but I gotta soldering gun
Happy days is my favourite theme song
I can sure kick your butt in a game of ping pong
I'll ace any trivia quiz you bring on
I'm fluent in Java Script as well as Klingon
They see me roll on, my sagway!
I know in my heart they think I'm
white n' nerdy!
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Can't you see I'm white n' nerdy
Look at me I'm white n' nerdy
I'd like to roll with-
The gangsters
Although it's apparent I'm too
White n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
I'm just too white n' nerdy
How'd I get so white n' nerdy?
I've been browsing, inspectin'
X-men comics you know I collect 'em
The pens in my pocket
I must protect 'em
all my ergonomic keyboard
Shopping online for deals on some writable media
I edit Wikipedia
I memorized holy grail
Really well
I can recite it right now have you
ROTFLOL
I got a business doing websites
When my friends need some code who do they call?
I do HTML do for them all
Even make a homepage for my dog!
Got myself a fanny pack
they were having a sale down at the GAP
Spend my nights with a roll of bubble wrap
POP POP! Hope no one sees me get freaky!
I'm nerdy in the extreme and whiter than sour creme
I was in AP club and Glee club and even the chess team!
Only question I ever thought was hard
Was do I like Kirk or do I like Piccard?
I spend every weekend
at the renaissance fair
I got my name on my under wear!
They see me strollin'
They laughin'
And rollin' their eyes 'cause
I'm so white n' nerdy
Just because I'm white n' nerdy
Just because I'm white n' nerdy
All because I'm white n' nerdy
Holy cow I'm white n' nerdy
I wanna bowl with-
the gangsters
but oh well it's obvious I'm
white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
I'm just too white n' nerdy
Look at me I'm white n' nerdy!
I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
where it bubbles all the time
like a giant carbonated soda,
S O D A, soda.
I saw the little runt sitting there on a log.
I asked him his name
and in a raspy voice he said Yoda,
Y O D A, Yoda,
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda.
Well, I've been around but I ain't never seen
a guy who looks like a Muppet
but he's wrinkled and green,
Oh my Yoda,
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda.
Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
how he can lift me in the air just by raising his hand
oh my Yoda.
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Well, I left home just a week before,
and I've never ever met a Jedi before
but Obi-Wan set me straight of course,
He said, 'Go to Yoda and he'll show you the Force.'
Well, I'm not the kind that'll argue with Ben
So it looks I'm gonna start all over again
with my Yoda,
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Yoda,
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
So I used the force,
I picked up a box,
I lifted some rocks,
While I stood on my head,
Well I won't forget what Yoda said.
He said 'Luke, stay away from the darker side,
and if you start to go astray let the Force be your guide.'
Oh my Yoda,
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda.
'I know Darth Vader's really got you annoyed.
But, remember if you kill him then you'll be unemployed'
Oh my Yoda,
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Well, I heard my friends really got in a mess
so I'm gonna have to leave Yoda, I guess.
But I know that I'll be coming back some day
I'll be playing this part till I'm old and grey.
The Long-term contract I had to sign
says I'll be making these movies till the end of time
with my Yoda
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Yoda
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
(continue to fade...)
My life, it used to be incomplete
'Till I saw what I was looking for at a drive-in swap meet
My life it won't be the same again
Now I'm proud to say the king lives on inside my den
Oh, it's all I live for, it's all I need
My velvet Elvis
My velvet Elvis
My velvet Elvis means the world to me
Although he may not be worth much dough
He means much more to me than some old Rembrandt or Van Gogh
Check out those sideburns, there's nothing greater
You can tell that he's no velvet Elvis imitator
Oh, it's all I live for, it's all I need
My velvet Elvis
My velvet Elvis
My velvet Elvis
Oh, now you can't you see
My velvet Elvis
My velvet Elvis
My velvet Elvis means the world to me
In my own private Graceland
In my own little shrine to the king
I don't want nothin' else
No, I don't need anything
Don't need no lava lamp
Don't need no soap on a rope
No pictures of Mexican kids with those really big eyes
Or dogs playing poker
When I'm at home watching my TV
I know the king is always looking down on me
He looks so handsome, he stands so tall
So glad he's big enough to cover up that hole in the wall
(Velvet Elvis) He's so fuzzy
(Velvet Elvis) He's so great
(Velvet Elvis) Never ages
(Velvet Elvis) Never puts on weight
(Velvet Elvis) Look at those rhinestones
(Velvet Elvis) He's just so fine
(Velvet Elvis) You can look but don't touch now
Hey, everyone, listen up, your attention if you please
We wanna give you a warning
'Cause I found out this morning
About a dangerous, insidious computer virus
If you should get it, an email with the subject, 'stinky cheese'
Better off protecting your chances
Under no circumstances, should you open it
Or else it will
Translate your documents into Swahili
Make your TV record "Gigli"
Neuter your pets, and give you laundry static cling
Look out!
It's gonna make your computer screen freeze
Look out!
Erase the Easter eggs off your DVDs
Look out!
Erase your hard drive and your backups too
And the hard drive of anyone related to you
Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt!
Forward this message on to everybody
Soon, very soon, it will make all the paint peel off your walls
It'll make your keyboard all sticky
Give your poodle a hickey
And invest your cash in stock in Euro Disney
Then, it will tie up your phone, making prank long-distance calls
It'll set your clocks back an hour and start clogging the shower
So just trash it now, or else it will
Decide to give you a permanent wedgie,
Legally change your name to Reggie,
Even mess up the pH balance in your pool
Look out!
It's gonna melt your face right off your skull
Look out!
And make your iPod only play Jethro Tull
Look out!
And tell you knock-knock jokes while you're trying to sleep
Look out!
And make you physically attracted to sheep
Look out!
Steal your identity and your credit card
Look out!
Buy you a warehouse full of pink leotards
Look out!
Then cause a major rift in time and space
And leave a bunch of Twinkie wrappers all over the place
That's right it's a
Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt!
Forward this message on to everybody
Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt!
Forward this message on to everybody
Warn all your friends, send this to everybody
Tell everyone you know, tell everybody now
If you get infected, you'll wish you had never been born
So before it emails your grandmother all of your porn
Turn off your computer and make sure it powers down
Drop it in a forty-three-foot hole in the ground
Bury it completely; rocks and boulders should be fine
Then burn all the clothes you may have worn any time you were alive!
Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt!
Forward this message on to everybody
Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt!
Forward this message on to everybody
Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt!
Forward this message on to everybody
Warn all your friends, send this to everybody
Tell everyone you know, tell everybody now
What are you waiting for?
Just hurry up and forward this to every single person that you know!
Hit send right now!
Trigger Happy, trigger happy
Got an AK-47, well you know it makes me feel all right
Got an Uzi by my pillow, helps me sleep a little better at night
There's no feeling any greater
Than to shoot first and ask questions later
Now I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day
Well you can't take my guns away, I got a
Constitutional right
Yeah, I gotta be ready if the kami's attack us tonight
I'll blow their brains out with my Smith and Wesson
That oughta teach 'em all a darn good lesson
Now I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day
Oh yeah, I'm trigger, trigger happy
Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy
(Oh baby, I'm) trigger, trigger happy
Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy
(Oh, I'm so) trigger, trigger happy
Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy
Better watch out, punk, or I'm gonna have
To blow you away
Oh, I accidentally shot Daddy last night in the den
I mistook him in the dark for a drug-crazed Nazi again
Now why'd you have to get so mad?
It's just a lousy flesh wound, Dad
You know I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day
Oh, I still haven't figured out the safety on my rifle yet
Little Fluffy took a round, better take him to the vet
I filled that kitty cat so full of lead
We'll have to use him for a pencil instead
Well, I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day
Oh yeah, I'm trigger, trigger happy
Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy
(Oh baby, I'm) trigger, trigger happy
Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy
(Oh, I'm so) trigger, trigger happy
Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy
Better watch out, punk, or I'm gonna have to blow you away
Come on and grab your ammo
What have you got to lose?
We'll all get liquored up
And shoot at anything that moves
Got a brand new semi-automatic weapon with a laser sight
Oh, I'm prayin' somebody tries to break in here tonight
I alwaays keep a Magnum in my trunk
You better ask yourself, do you feel lucky, punk?
Because I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day
Oh yeah, I'm trigger, trigger happy
Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy
(Oh baby, I'm) trigger, trigger happy
Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy
(Oh, I'm so) trigger, trigger happy
Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy
Better watch out, punk, or I'm gonna have
To blow you away
Seven O'Clock in the evening
Watchin somethin' stupid on TV
I'm zoned out on the sofa
When my wife comes in the room and sees me
She says "Is this 'Behind the Music'
With Lynard Skynard?"
And I say "I don't know.
Say, it's gettin' late...watcha wanna do for dinner?
She says "I kinda had a big lunch.
So I'm not super hungry."
I said "Well you know, baby, I'm not starvin' either
But I could eat."
She said "So whadya have in mind?"
I said "I don't know what about you?"
She said "I don't care, if you're hungry, let's eat."
I said "That's what we're gonna do!"
"But first you gotta tell me
What it is you're hungry for!"
And she says "Let me think...
...What's left in our refridgerator?"
I said "Well, there's tuna, I know."
She said "That went bad a week ago!"
I said "Is the chili OK?"
She said "You finished that yesterday!"
I hopped up and I said
"I don't know, do you want to get something delivered?"
She's like "Why would I want to eat liver?
I don't even like liver!"
I'm like "No, I said 'delivered'."
She's like "I heard you say liver!"
I'm like "I should know what I said..."
She's like "Whatever, I just don't want any liver!"
Well I was gonna say something
But my cell phone started to ring
Now who could be callin' me?
Well I checked my caller ID
It was just cousin Larry
Callin' for the third time today...
My wife said "Let it go to voicemail."
I said, "OK."
"Where were we? Oh, Dinner, Right
So what d'ya want to do?"
She said "Why don't you whip up somethin in the kitchen?"
"Yeah," I said, "Why don't you?"
And then she said "Baby, can't we just go out to dinner, please?"
I says "No"
She says "Yes"
I says "No"
She says "Yes"
I says "No"
She says "Yes...
...Oh, here's your keys"
I step a little bit closer
Say "OK, where ya want to go?"
She says "How about The Ivy?"
I said "Yeah, well I don't know..."
I don't feel like gettin all dressed up
And eatin' expensive food
She's says "Olive Garden?"
I say "Nah, I'm not in the mood...
...And Burrito King would make me gassy
There's no doubt"
She says "Just forget about it"
I said "No, I swear I'm gonna take you out!"
Then I get an idea
I says "I know what we'll do!"
She says "What?"
I say "Guess"
She says "What?"
I say "We're goin' to the drive-thru!"
So we head out the front door
Open the garage door
Then I open the car doors
And we get in those car doors
Put my key in the ignition
And then I turn it sideways
Then we fasten our seat belts
As we pull out the driveway
Then we drive to the drive-thru
Heading off to the drive-thru
We're approaching the drive-thru
Getting close to the drive-thru!
Almost there at the drive-thru
Now we're here at the drive thru
Here in line at the drive-thru
Did I mention the drive-thru?
Well here we are
In the drive-thru line, me and her.
Cars in front of us, cars in back of us.
All just waiting to order
There's some idiot in a Volvo
With his brights on behind me
I lean out the window and scream
"Hey, Whatcha tryin to do, blind me?"
My wife says "Maybe we should park...
...We could just go eat inside."
I said "I'm wearin' bunny slippers
So I ain't leavin' this ride..."
Now a woman on a speaker box
Is sayin' "Can I take your order, please?"
I said "Yes indeed, you certainly can
We'd like two hamburgers with onions and cheese."
Then my wife says
"Baby, hold on, I've changed my mind!
I think I'm gonna have a chicken sandwich
Instead, this time"
I said "You always get a cheeseburger!"
She says "That's not what I'm hungry for."
I put my head in my hands and screamed,
"I don't know who you are anymore!"
The voice on the speaker says
"I don't have all day!"
I said "Then, take our order,
And we'll be on our way!
I wanna get a chicken sandwich
And I want a cheeseburger, too
She's like "You want onions on that?"
I'm like "Yeah, I already said that I do...
...Plus we need curly fries
And don't you dare forget it!
And two medium root beers
No, just one, we'll split it."
Then I said "I'm guessin' that
You're probably not too bright...
So read me back my order
Let's make sure you got it right."
She says "One, you want a chicken sandwich.
Two, you want a cheeseburger
Three, curly fries, and a large root beer"
"Stop, don't go no further!"
"I never ordered a large rootbeer
I said medium, not large!"
Then she says "We're havin' a special,
I supersized you at no charge."
"Oh." And that's all
I could say, was "Oh."
And she says "Now there is somethin' else
That I really think you should know.
You can have unlimited refills
For just a quarter more..."
I say "Great, except we're in the drive thru...
So what would I want that for?"
Then she says "Wait a minute
Your voice sounds so familiar...hey, is this Paul?
And my wife is all like "No, that ain't Paul,
Now tell me, who's this Paul?
She says "Oh, he's just some guy
Who goes to school with me.
I sat behind him last year
And I copied off him in Geometry.
I said "I know a guy named Paul.
He used to be my plumber
He was prematurely bald
And he moved to Pittsburgh last summer.
He also had bladder problems
And a really bad infection on his toe."
And she said "Mister, please, you can stop right there,
That's way more than I needed to know!"
And then we both were quiet
And things got real intense
Then she says "Next window please,
That'll be five dollars and eighty two cents."
So we inched ahead in line
Movin' painfully slow
I got a little bored
So I turned on the radio...
[Song plays]
[Click] Turned it off
Because my wife was getting a headache
So we both just sat there quietly
For her sake.
Then I looked at her
And she looked back at me
And I said "Um,
I think you have somethin' in your teeth."
She turned away from me
And then turned back and said "Did I get it?"
I said "Yeah. Well, I mean, most of it...
But hey, ya know, don't sweat it."
Then she said "How about now?"
I said "Yeah, almost.
There's still a little bit there
But don't worry, it's probably just a piece of toast."
Now we're at the pay window
Or whatever you call it
Put my hand in my pocket
I can't believe there's no wallet!
And the lady at the window's like,
"Well, well that'll be five eighty two."
I turn around to my wife, and say
"How much have you got on you?"
She just rolls her eyes and says
"I'll pay for this, I guess."
So she reaches into her purse
And busts out the American Express
I hand it to the lady
And she says "Oh, dear.
It's gotta be cash only
We don't take credit cards here."
I took back the card and said
"Gee, really? Well that sucks."
And that's when I found out
My wife was only carryin' three bucks.
I said "I thought you were
Goin' to hit the ATM today"
She says "I never got around to it
So where's your wallet anyway?
And I said "Nevermind,
Just help me to find some change..."
Now the lady at the window
Is lookin at me kinda strange...
And she says "Mister, please,
We gotta move this line along"
I said "Now hold your stinkin' horses lady,
We won't be long."
We looked around inside the glove-box
And check the mat beneath my feet
I found a nickel in the ashtray
And a couple pennies and a dime in the space betweent he seats
Before long I had a little pile
Of coins of every sort
The lady counts it up and says
"You're still about a dollar short"
And now my woman's got this weird look
Frozen on her face
She screams, "you know
I wasn't even really hungry in the first place"
And so I turned around
To the cashier again
I shrugged and said "OK
Forget the chicken sandwich then"
So I pick up my change
Pick up my reciept
And I drive to the pickup window
Man, I just can't wait to eat
And now we see this acne ridden
Kid about sixteen
Wearin' a dorky nametag that says
"Hello, my name is Eugene."
And he hands me a paper bag
I look him in the eyes
And I say to him "Hey, Eugene,
Can I get some ketchup for my fries?"
Well he looks at me
And I look at him
And he looks at me
And I look at him
And he looks at me
And I look at him
And he says "I'm sorry
What did you want again?"
I say "Ketchup!"
And he says "Oh yeah, that's right...
...I just spaced out there for a second
I'm really kind of burnt tonight."
And then he hands me the ketchup
And now we're finally drivin' away
And the food is drivin' me mad
With its intoxicating bouquet
I'm starvin' to death
By the time we pull up at the traffic light
I say "Baby, gimme that burger,
I just gotta have a bite!"
So she reaches in the bag
And pulls out the burger
And she hands me the burger
And I pick up the burger
And then I unwrap the paper
I bite into those buns
And I just can't believe it
Note:Al sings this song like Bob Dylan.
I, man, am regal, a German am I
Never odd or even if I had a hi-fi
Madam, I'm Adam, too hot to hoot
No lemons, no melon, too bad I hid a boot
Lisa Bonet ate no basil, Warsaw was raw
Was it a car or a cat I saw?
Rise to vote, sir, do geese see god?
"Do nine men interpret?", "Nine men," I nod
Rats live on no evil star, Won't lovers revolt now?"
Race fast safe car
Pa's a sap, Ma is as selfless as I am
May a moody baby doom a yam
Ah, Satan sees Natasha, no devil lived on
Lonely Tylenol not a banana baton
No "x" in Nixon, O, stone, be not so
O Geronimo, no minor ego
"Naomi," I moan, "A Toyota's a Toyota"
A dog, a panic in a pagoda
Oh, no! Don Ho!, Nurse, I spy gypsies-run!
Senile felines, now see bees I won
UFO tofu, we panic in a pew
Oozy rat in a sanitary zoo
God! A red nugget!, A fat egg under a dog!
Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog
Oh, this is a story 'bout a guy named Al
And he lived in a sewer with his hamster pal
But the sanitation workers really didn't approve
So he packed up his accordion and had to move
To a city in Ohio where he lived in a tree
And he worked in a nasal decongestant factory
And he played on the company bowling team
And every single night he had a strange recurring dream
Where he was wearing lederhose in a vat of sour cream
But that's really not important to the story
Well, the very next year he met a dental hygienist
With a spatula tattooed on her arm (on her arm)
But he didn't keep in touch
And he lost her number
Then he got himself a job on a tator tot farm
And he spent his life-savings on a split-level cave
Twenty miles below the surface of the Earth (of the Earth)
And he really makes a might fine jelly bean and pickle sandwich
For what it's worth
Then one day Al was in the forest trying to get a tan
When he heard the tortured screaming of a funny little man
He was caught in a bear trap and Al set him free
And the guy that he rescued was grateful as could be
And it turns out he's a big-shot producer on TV
So he gives Al a contract and whaddya know
There's just one place to go for all of your spatula needs
Spatula City
Spatula City
A giant warehouse of spatulas for every occasion.
Thousands to choose from in every shape, size, and color.
And because we eliminate the middle man, we can sell all our spatulas factory direct to you.
Where do you go if you want to buy name brand spatulas at a fraction of retail cost?
Spatula City
Spatula City
And this weekend only, take advantage of our special liquidation sale.
Buy nine spatulas, get the tenth one for just one penny.
Don't forget, they make great Christmas presents.
And what better way to say "I love you." than with the gift of a spatula?
Spatula City
Spatula City
Hello, this is Sy Greenblum, president of Spatula City.
I liked their spatulas so much, I bought the company.
Spatula City - seven locations; we're in the yellow pages under "spatulas".
My, where did you get that lovely spatula?
Fat and weak, what a disgrace.
Guess the champ got too lazy.
Ain't gonna fly now, he's just takin' up space.
Sold his gloves, threw his eggs down the drain.
But he€™s no bum, he works down the street
He bought the neighborhood deli.
Back on his feet, now he's choppin' up meat.
Come inside, maybe you'll hear him say,
Try the rye or the kaiser,
They're on special tonight.
If you want, you can have an appetizer
You might like our silami and the liver€™s alright
And they really go well with the rye or the kaiser
Never eats while on the job,
He heard it€™s good to stay hungry
But he makes a pretty mean shishkabob
Have a taste, they were made fresh today
Try the rye or the kaiser
Or the wheat or the white
Maybe I can suggest an appetizer
Stay away from the tuna, it smells funny tonight
But you just can€™t go wrong with the rye or the kaiser
So today, his deli comes first
Steady dreams of his past days of glory
Goes in the back and beats on the liverwurst
All the while you can still hear him say,
It€™s the rye or the kaiser
It€™s the thrill of one bite
Let me please be your catering advisor.
If you want substitutions,
I won't put up a fight.
You can have your roast beef on the rye or the kaiser.
The rye or the kaiser€.. (repeat)
You can watch Mister Rogers,
You can watch Three's Company,
And you can turn on Fame,
Or the Newlywed Game,
Or the Addams Family.
Say, you can watch Barney Miller,
And you can watch your MTV,
And you can watch
Till your eyes fall out of your head.
That'll be okay with me.
And you can watch (TV)
You can watch Johnny Carson,
You can watch Phil Donahue,
And you can use TV Guide
To help you decide,
With a capsulized review.
Say, you can watch 60 minutes,
Even Captain Kangaroo,
But there's only one set,
So whatever you watch
Well, you know I gotta watch it too.
A-say, give it up,
Give it up,
Television's takin' its toll.
That's enough,
That's enough.
Gimme the remote control.
I've been nice,
I've been good,
Please don't do this to me.
Turn it off,
Turn it off,
I don't wanna have to see
The Brady Bunch.
Not the Brady Bunch.
Well, the Brady Bunch.
Yeah, the Brady Bunch.
It's the story of a lovely lady,
Who was bringing up three very lovely girls.
All of them had hair of gold,
Like their mother,
The youngest one in curls.
It's the story of a man named Brady
Who was busy with three boys of his own.
They were four men living all together,
A-yeah, but they were all alone.
Till then one day,
A-one day,
When the lady met this fellow
And they knew,
And they knew
It was much more than a hunch
That the group,
A-this group
Must somehow form a family.
That's the way,
That's the way,
That's the way they all became the Brady Bunch.
Well, the Brady Bunch,
Yeah, the Brady Bunch,
Well, the Brady Bunch.
Oh, it's the Brady Bu-unch...
Well, I had two weeks of vacation time coming
After working all year down at Big Roy's Eating And Plumbing
So one night when my family the I were gathered 'round the dinner table
I said, "Kids, if you could go anywhere in this great big world, now
Where'd you like to go ta"
They said, "Dad, we wanna see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota"
They picked the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
So the very next day we loaded up the car
With potato skins and pickled weiners,
Crossword puzzles, Spider-Man comics, and mama's home made rhubarb pie
Pulled out of the driveway and the neighbors, they all waved good-bye
And so began our three day journey
We picked up a guy holding a sign that said "twine ball or bust"
He smelled real bad and he said his name was Bernie
I put in a Slim Whitman tape, my wife put on a brand new hair net
Kids were in the back seat jumping up and down,
yelling "Are we there yet?"
And all of us were joined together in one common thought
As we rolled down the long and winding interstate in our '53 DeSoto
We're gonna see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
We're headin' for the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
Oh, we couldn't wait to get there
So we drove straight through for three whole days and nights
Of course, we stopped for more pickled weiners now and then
The scenery was just so pretty, boy I wish the kids could've seen it
But you can't see out of the side of the car
Because the windows are completely covered
With the decals of all the place where we've already been
There's Elvis-O-Rama, the Tupperware Museum,
The Boll Weevil Monument, and Cranberry World,
The Shuffleboard Hall Of Fame, Poodle Dog Rock,
And The Mecca of Albino Squirrels
We've been to ghost towns, theme parks, wax museums,
And a place where you can drive through the middle of a tree
We've seen alligator farms and tarantula ranches,
But there's still one thing we gotta see
Well, we crossed the state line about 6:39
And we saw a sign that said "Twine Ball exit - 50 miles"
Oh, the kids were so happy the started singing
"99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall" for the 27th time that day
So, we pulled off the road at the last chance gas station
Got a few more pickled weiners and a diet chocolate soda
On our way to see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
We're gonna see the biggest ball of tiwne in Minnesota
Finally, at 7:37 early Wednesday evening as the sun was setting
in the Minnesota sky
Out in the distance, on the horizon, it appeared to me like a vision
before my unbelieving eye
I parked the car and walked with awe-filled reverence towards that
glorius huge majestic sphere
I was just so overwhelmed by its sheer imensity,
I had to pop myself a beer
Yes, on these hallowed grounds, open ten to eight on weekdays,
in a little shrine under a make-shift pagoda,
There sits the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
I tell you, it's the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
Oh, what on earth would make a man decide to do that kind of thing?
Oh, windin' up twenty-one thousand, one hundred forty pounds of string
What was he trying to prove, who was he trying to impress
Why did he build it, how did he do, it was anybody's guess
Where did he get the twine, what was goin' through his mind
Did it just seem like a good idea at the time
Well, we walked up beside it and I warned the kids
"Now, you better not touch it, those ropes are there for a reason"
I said, "Maybe if you're good, I'll tie it to the back of our car
and we can take it home", but I was only teasin'
Then we went to the gift shop and stood in line
Bought a souvineer miniature ball of twine, some window decals,
and anything else they'd sell us
And we bought a couple post cards, "Greetings from the twine ball,
wish you were here"
Won't the folks back home be jealous
I gave our camera to Bernie and we stood by the ball and we all gathered
'round and said, "Cheese"
The Bernie ran away with my brand new Insti-Matic,
but at least we got our memories
Then we all just stared at the ball for a while and my eyes got moist,
but I said with a smile, "Kids, this here's what America's all about"
Then I started feelin' kinda gooey inside and I fell on my knees
and I cried and cried
And that's when those security guards threw us out
You know, I bet if we unravelled that sucker,
It'd roll all the way down to Fargo, North Dakota
'Cause it's the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
I'm talkin' 'bout the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
Well, we stayed that night at the Twine Ball Inn
In the morning we were on our way home again
But we really didn't want to leave, that was perfectly clear
I said, "Folks, I can tell you're all sad to go"
Then I winked my eye and I said, "You know, I got a funny kind of feelin'
we'll be comin' back again next year"
'Cause I've been all around this great big world
And I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather go to
Than the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
I said the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
Minnesota
Minnesota
We all used to call him Jimmy the Geek
He was a dumb-lookin', scrawny, little four-eyed freak
He never used to hang around with the guys
He'd just sit in the corner, attractin' the flies
He wasn't much to look at
He never was very bright
but at least there was one thing that he could do all right
That boy could dance
He was kind of a jerk
He was kind of a bore
but the women would scream when he walked in the door
'cause one thing I could tell you for sure
That boy could dance
Picking teams, he would always be last
He couldn't run very far,
He couldn't think very fast
If he was on your side, you'd always lose
the guy had a problem, even tying his shoes
He never passed his drivers test
He was always afraid of cars
and he had a complexion that resembled the surface of Mars
but that boy could dance
Well, his hair was a mess
and his clothes didn't fit
He smelled pretty bad, and he drooled just a bit
but you gotta admit
boy, that boy could dance
Now that boy is much older
he's got his own dance studio
He's got a teeny bopper fan club
yeah, he's got his own TV show
now he owns half of Montana
they all call him "Diamond Jim"
and you know I'd do anything if I could be just like him
'cause that boy could dance
Taco... grande. Taco... grande
Yo quiero chimichangas y chile colorado
Yo tengo el dinero para un steak picado
Las flautas y tamales, siempre muy bueno
Y el chile relleno
You see, I just gotta have a tostada, carne asada
That's right, I want the whole enchilada
My only addiction has to do with a flour tortilla
I need a quesadilla
I love to stuff my face with tacos al carbón
With my friends, or when I'm all alone
Yo tengo mucho hambre y ahora lo quiero
Un burrito ranchero
So give me something spicy and hot, now
Break out the menu, what you got, now?
Oh, would you tell the waiter I'd like to have sour cream on the side
You better make sure the beans are refried
Taco... grande. Taco... grande
Well, there's not a taco big enough for a man like me
That's why I order two or three
Let me give you a tip, just try a nacho chip
It's really good with bean dip
I eat uno, dos, tres, quarto burritos
Pretty soon I can't fit in my Speedos
Well, I hope they feed us lots of chicken fajitas
And a pitcher of margaritas
Well, the combination plates all come with beans and rice
The taquitos here are very nice
Now I'm down on my knees, we need some extra tomatoes and cheese
And could you make that separate checks, please?
Taco... grande. Taco... grande
"Buenos noches, senor. bienvenido a el burritos casa de salsa. tenemos muchos platos muy sabrosos si puedo recomendar el ardiente pollo al infierno muy delicioso. sus ojos se quemaran, su estomago estara en fuego, se quedaran en el baño por una semana, entiendes lo que digo gringo estupido tonto?"
Well, the food is coming, I can hardly wait
Now watch your fingers, careful hot plate!
What you think you're doing with my chile con queso?
Well, if you want some, just say so
Oh boy, pico de gallo
They sure don't make it like this in Ohio
No gracias, yo quiero jalepeños, nada más
You can toss away the hot sauce
?Donde estan los nachos? Holy frijole!
You better get me a bowl of guacamole
Y Uusted, Eugene? Why's your face turning green?
Don't you like pinto beans?
You want some more cinnamon crispas?
If you don't, hasta la vista
Just take the rest home in a doggie bag if you wanna
You can finish it mañana
Well, it's been a pleasure, I can't eat no more
Señor, la cuenta, por favor
If you ain't tried real Mexican cooking, well, you oughta
Just don't drink the water
Had to park my car for just five minutes
I had to go inside to use the phone
When I came back again my car was gone
Well, I didn't know it was a loading zone
What a bummer, I was so brought down
I had to chase that tow truck all over town, yellin'
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my car around
Took my baby to the local disco
I was jumpin' like a maniac
But then the owner came and pulled me off the floor
Then he, he took me to his little office in the back
He said, "I really like your snaggletooth necklace
Your pants are groovy, and your hair's okay
But, man, that car of yours is so uncool
Like wow, I'm sorry, but we towed it away!"
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my car around!
Now I'm at home, I'm watchin' "Gilligan's Island"
Guess it's time to trade my old car in
For twenty dollars and my '64 Plymouth
Maybe I could get a second-hand Schwinn
Look out the window, there's tow truck in the driveway
I grabbed the driver and I asked him why
He said, "I'm sorry, kid, you're late with the payments
It's time to kiss your little car goodbye"
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my car around!
Stop draggin' my car around!
Listen, the check's in the mail. No, really!
Stop draggin' my car around!
Oh man, I just got the hub caps painted!
Stop draggin' my car around!
Hey! Hey, I left a sandwich in the backseat!
Stop draggin' my car around!
Oh...
Things just haven't been the same
Since the flying saucer came
Now the aliens are on the loose
Well, we tried to hold 'em back
Tried to ward off their attack
But our atom bombs were just no use
They were ugly, they were mean
Biggest heads I ever seen
They made everybody scream and shout
First they leveled Tokyo
Then New York was next to go
Boy I really wish they'd cut it out
They wasted everybody on my block
There goes the neighborhood
They'll zap you with their death ray eyes
And blow you up real good
Run for your lives
(Slime creatures from outer space)
(Slime creatures from outer space)
They're not very nice to the human race
(Slime creatures from outer space)
There's more comin' every day
And they just won't go away
Now they're reproducing in the sewers
They got slimy lizard skin
And an evil lookin' grin
And they sure could use some manicures
They got hands all covered with fungus
They got eyes like some kinda bug
I sure hope they don't come in here
I just shampooed the rug
Run for your lives
(Slime creatures from outer space)
(Slime creatures from outer space)
They're really makin' a mess of this place.
(Slime creatures)
(Slime creatures)
(Slime creatures from outer space)
(Slime creatures from outer space)
(Slime creatures from outer space)
(Slime creatures from outer space)
(Slime creatures from outer space)
(Slime creatures from outer space)
They'll rip your head off just for fun
They'll paralyze your mind
They're wearin' out their welcome
I don't think I like their kind
They'll suck your brain out through a straw
You just can't trust those guys
So hide the children, lock the doors
And always watch the skies
Look out, here come the
(Slime creatures from outer space)
(Slime creatures from outer space)
They're an intergalactic disgrace
(Slime creatures from outer space)
(Slime creatures from outer space)
I wish they'd just get outta my face
(Slime creatures from outer space)
(Slime creatures from outer space)
They're makin' a big fat mess of this place
(Slime creatures)
(Slime creatures)
Oh, where did they come from?
What do they want from us?
Who do they think they are?
(Slime creatures, slime creatures)
Why don't they leave me alone?
(Slime creatures, slime creatures.)
Since you've been gone
Well, I feel like I've been chewing on tinfoil
Since you've been gone
It's like I got a great big mouthful of cod liver oil
Oh well, I'm feelin like I stuck my hand
Inside a blender and turned it on
You know, I've been in a buttload of pain
Since you've been gone
(Since you've been gone)
I couldn't feel any worse if you dropped
A two-ton bowling ball on my toes
(Since you've been gone)
It couldn't hurt any more if you shoved
A red-hot cactus up my nose
Since you've been gone
Well, it feels like I'm getting tetanus shots every day
Since you've been gone
It's like I've got an ice cream headache that won't go away
Ever since that day you left me
I've been so miserable, my dear
I feel almost as bad as I did
Since you've been gone
Well I feel like I've been chewing on tinfoil
Since you been gone
It's like I got a great big mouthful of cod-liver oil
Well, I'm feeling like I stuck my hand inside a blender and turned it on
You know I've been in a bundle of pain
Since you've been gone
(Well, since you've been gone, since you've been gone)
I couldn't feel worse if you dropped a 2 ton bowling ball on my toes
(Since you've been gone)
It couldn't hurt any more if you shoved a red hot cactus up my nose
Since you've been gone
Well, it feels like I'm gettin' tetanus shots every day
Since you've been gone
It's like I got an ice cream panic that won't go away
Ever since the day you left me
I've been so miserable my dear
I feel almost as bad as I did
When you were still here
Since you've been gone
Well, I feel like I've been chewing on tinfoil
Since you've been gone
It's like I got a great big mouthful of cod liver oil
Oh well, I'm feelin' like I stuck my hand
Inside a blender and turned it on
You know, I've been in a buttload of pain
Since you've been gone
(Since you've been gone)
I couldn't feel any worse if you dropped
A two-ton bowling ball on my toes
(Since you've been gone)
It couldn't hurt anymore if you shoved
A red-hot cactus up my nose
Since you've been gone
Well, it feels like I'm getting tetanus shots every day
Since you've been gone
It's like I've got an ice cream headache that won't go away
Ever since the day you left me
I've been so miserable, my dear
I feel almost as bad as I did
When you were still here
All I do is grunt and groan
Hurts me to walk anywhere
Went to see my physician, Dr. Jones
He took my trousers off, told me to cough
{Doctor says there ain't nothin' to discuss}
He tells me any day I might have to wear a truss
{Living with a hernia}
All the time, such aggravation
{Living with a hernia}
Gonna be my ruination
{Living with a hernia}
Got to have an operation
Feel so old
Too much bad pain
Good gawd, drives me insane
Can't run, barely crawl
Got a bulge in my intestinal wall
Walk real funny, bless my soul
Can't play tennis and it's hard to bowl
{You can't even do the splits now...Better call it quits now}
I'm sick of all this dancin' anyhow
{Living with a hernia}
Hurts me bad in a tender location
{Living with a hernia}
Had enough humiliation
{Living with a hernia}
Got to have an operation
{I live with a hernia}
Can't get up, can't bend over
Now... {I live with a hernia}
Wait a minute...
You may not be familiar with the common types
Of hernias that you could get
So just settle down, let me clue you in
There's Incomplete
Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the
stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the
street from Jerry's Bait Shop... You know the place... Well anyway,
back then life was going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy...
except of course for the undeniable fact that every single morning my
mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast.
Dawww!! Big bowl of sauerkraut!
Every single mornin'! It was driving me crazy.
I said to my mom, I said, "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?"
And my dear, sweet mother, she just looked at me like a cow looks at an
oncoming train. And she leaned right down next to me, and she said, "IT'S
GOOD FOR YOU!" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my
mouth and force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was 26 and a half
years old.
That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get outta that
basement and travel to a magical, far away place, where the sun is
always shining and the air smells like warm root beer, and the towels
are oh so fluffy! Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles
all day long, and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for
a nickel!
Wacka wacka, doo doo, yeah!
Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream
came true. Because the very next day, a local radio station had this
contest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in
Leonard Nimoy's butt. I was off by three, but I still won the grand
prize. That's right, a first class, one-way ticket...
to Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!
Oh yeah. You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before, and I gotta
tell ya, it was really great... except that I had to sit between two large
Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor. And the little kid in
back of me kept throwin' up the whole time. The flight attendants ran out of
Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts, and the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with
Pauly Shore...and, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out, and we
went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a
giant fireball and everybody died. Except for me. You know why?
'Cause I had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Ah-ha-ha-ha. Ah-ha-ha. Aahhh. So I crawled from the twisted, burnin'
wreckage, I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days, draggin'
along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag and my tenor saxophone
and my 12-pound bowlin' ball and my lucky, lucky autographed
glow-in-the-dark snorkel. But finally I arrived at the world famous
Albuquerque Holiday Inn where the towels are oh so fluffy! And you can
eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna. It's OK, they're
clean.
Well, I checked into my room, and I turned down the A/C, and I turned
on the SpectraVision, and I'm just about to eat that little chocolate
mint on my pillow that I love so very, very much, when suddenly there's
a knock on the door. Well, now, who could that be?
I say, "Who is it?" No answer.
"Who is it?" There's no answer.
"WHO IS IT!?" They're not sayin' anything.
So finally, I go over and I open the door, and just as I suspected,
it's some big, fat hermaphrodite with a flock of seagulls, haircut, and
only one nostril. Oh, man, I hate it when I'm right.
So, anyway, he bursts into my room, and he grabs my lucky snorkel, and
I'm like, "Hey, you can't have that! That snorkel's been just like a
snorkel to me."
And he's like, "Tough!"
And I'm like, "Give it!"
And he's like, "Make me!"
And I'm like, "'kay!"
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus, and I bit off his ear
and he chewed off my eyebrows, and I took out his appendix and he gave
a colonic irrigation, yes indeed, you better believe it. And somehow in
the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook. And twenty
seconds later, I heard a familiar voice. And you know what it said?
I'll tell ya what it said!
It said, "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.
If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator.
If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.
If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator."
In Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!
Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel. But I
made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest, I would
not sleep for an instant, until the one-nostrilled man was brought to
justice.
But first, I decided to buy some donuts. So I got in my car, and I
drove over to the donut shop, and I walked on up to the guy behind the
counter and he says, "Yeah, whaddaya want??"
I said, "You got any glazed donuts?"
He said, "Nah, we're outta glazed donuts."
I say, "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"
He said, "No, we're outta jelly donuts."
I said, "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"
He said, "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts."
I said, "You got any cinnamon rolls?"
He said, "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls!"
I said, "You got any apple fritters?"
He said, "No, we're outta apple fritters!"
I said, "You got any bear claws?"
He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check."
"No, we're outta bear claws!"
I said, "Well, in that case... in that case, what do you have?"
He says, "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving crazed weasels."
I said, "OK, I'll take that."
So he hands me the box, and I open up the lid, and the weasels jump out
and they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over.
Oh, man, they were just goin' nuts! They were tearin' me apart! You
know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started
goin' through my head. I believe it went a little somethin' like this:
DOH! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me! Ohhh! No, get 'em off, get 'em
off! Oh, oh God, oh God! Oh, get 'em off me! Oh, oh God! Ah,
AaaaaaahhhhhhhhhOhhhhhhhhhh!
I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my
face, wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' like
a constipated wiener dog. And as luck would have it, that's exactly
when I ran into the girl of my dreams. Her name was Zelda. She was a
caligraphy enthusiast, with a slight overbite, and hair the color of
strained peaches. I'll never forget the very first thing she said to
me. She said, "Hey, you've got weasels on your face."
That's when I knew it was true love. We were inseparable after that.
Aw, we ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece
of mint-flavored dental floss. The world was our burrito. So we got
married, and we bought us a house and had two beautiful children,
Nathaniel and Superfly. Oh we were so very, very, very happy, oh yeah.
But then, one fateful night, Zelda said to me, she said, "Sweetie
pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?" I said, "Woah!
Hold on now, baby! I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!"
So we broke up, and I never saw her again
but that's just the way things go
In Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!
Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me, because about a week
later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream. That's right, I got me a
part-time job at the Sizzler! I even made employee of the month after I
put out that grease fire with my face. Aw yeah, everybody was pretty
jealous of me after that. I was gettin' a lot of attitude.
OK, like one time, I was out in the parkin' lot, tryin' to remove my excess
earwax with a golf pencil, when I see this guy Marty
tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself. So I-I say to
him, I say, "Hey, you want me to help you with that?" And
Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes, "No, I want you
to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw!" So I did.
And then he gets all indignant on me. He's like, "Hey, man, I was just
being sarcastic!" Well, that's just great. How was I supposed to know
that? I'm not a mind reader, for cryin' out loud. Besides, now he's got
a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy! So what's he complaining about?
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote. This guy comes up to
me on the street and he tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days.
Well, I knew what he meant, but just to be funny, I took a big bite out
of his jugular vein. And he's yelling and screaming and bleeding all
over, and I'm like, "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?" But he just keeps
rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding and screaming, "Aaaahhhh!
AaaaahhhhOhhhhh! Aaaaahhhh!" You know, completely missing the irony of
the whole situation. Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?
Anyway, um...um...where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought.
Uh, well, uh, OK, anyway, I-I know it's kind of a roundabout way of
saying it, but, I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is...
I HATE SAUERKRAUT!
That's all I'm really tryin' to say. And, by the way,
if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an existential
quandry, full of loathing and self-doubt and wracked with the pain and
isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence, at least you can take
a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this
crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours, there's still a little place
called Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
I said A! (A!)
L! (L!)
B! (B!)
U! (U!)
.... querque! (querque!)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
Al...buquerque!
*burp*
heh heh heh heh
Oooh oooh oooh ee-oooh oooh oooh
Ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh-oooh oooh
Oooooh
I'm always thinkin' 'bout it
I don't know what I'd do without it
I love, I really love
My pancreas
My spleen just doesn't matter
Don't really care about my bladder
But I don't leave home without
My pancreas
My pancreas is always
There for me
Ahh-oooh
Secreting those enzymes (bap bap bap)
Secreting those hormones too
Metabolizing carbohydrates
Just for me
Ba-ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba ba ba
My pancreas
Ba-ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba ba
My pancreas
Ba-ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba ba ba
My pancreas
Ba-ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba ba
My pancreas
Ba-ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba ba ba
My pancreas
Ba-ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba ba
My pancreas
Ooooooh
My pancreas attracts every other
Pancreas in the universe
With a force proportional
To the product of their masses
And inversely proportional
To the distance between them
Woo woo woo woo
Don'tcha you know you gotta
Flow, flow, flow, pancreatic juice
Flow, flow, into the deuodenum
Won'tcha
Flow, flow, flow, pancreatic juice
Flow, flow, into the deuodenum
Insulin, glucagon
(Won'tcha flow, flow, flow, pancreatic juice)
Comin' from the islets of Langerhans...
(Flow flow, into the deuodenum)
Insulin, glucagon
(Won'tcha flow flow flow, pancreatic juice)
Comin' from the islets of Langerhans...
(Flow flow, into the deuodenum)
Lipase, amylase, and tripsin
(Insulin, glucagon)
(Won'tcha flow, flow flow, pancreatic juice)
They gonna help with our digestion
(Comin' from the islets of Langerhans...)
(Flow flow, into the deuodenium)
Lipase, amylase, and tripsin
(Insulin, glucagon)
(Won'tcha flow flow flow, pancreatic juice)
They gonna help with our digestion
(Comin' from the islets of Langerhans...)
(Flow flow, into the deuodenum)
Can't you see I love my pancreas
{Lipase, amylase, and tripsin}
(Insulin, glucagon)
(Won'tcha flow flow flow, pancreatic juice)
Golly-gee I love my pancreas
{They gonna help with our digestion}
(Comin' from the islets of Langerhans...)
(Flow flow, into the deuodenum)
Can't you see I love my pancreas
{Lipase, amylase, and tripsin}
(Insulin, glucagon)
(Won'tcha flow flow flow, pancreatic juice)
Golly-gee I love my pancreas
{They gonna help with our digestion}
(Comin' from the islets of Langerhans...)
(Flow flow, into the deuodenum)
Can't you see I love my pancreas
{Lipase, amylase, and tripsin}
(Insulin, glucagon)
(Won'tcha flow flow flow, pancreatic juice)
Golly-gee I love my pancreas
{They gonna help with our digestion}
(Comin' from the islets of Langerhans...)
(Flow flow, into the deuodenum)
Got to work late 'cause my alarm was busted
The boss chewed me out and everybody's disgusted
'Cause it's one of those days, it's just one of those days
I lost one of my socks in the drier
I can't find my wallet and my hair is on fire
Just one of those days, it's just one of those days
I just wrapped my Cadillac around a tree
A big swarm of locusts is following me
There's not even anything good on TV
It's just one of those day, it's just one of those days
Left all my Beatles records out in the sun
Got a Coke bottle stuck on the end of my tongue
It's just one of those days, gonna be one of those days
The nazis tied me up and covered me with ants
And I spilled toxic waste on my brand new pants
Just one of those days, ever have one of those days
The bank called me up and told me I'm overdrawn
Some freaks are burnin' crosses out on my front lawn
And I can't believe it, all the Cheetos are gone
It's just, just one of those, one of those days
Just one of those, one of those days
The F.B.I. has got a tap on my phone
Those darn Russian spies won't leave me alone
Shouldn't have got up this morning, should've known
It's just one of those days, it's just one of those days
A 747 crashed into my den
And there's nothin' but tater-tots for dinner again
It's just one of those days
Never mind, it's just one of those days
Big steamroller just ran over my mom
And I cut myself shaving and they're dropping the bomb
It's just one of those days
That's all, it's just one of those days
Then late at night, just before I go to bed
The world blows up and now everybody's dead
You just can't deny it, it's just like I said
Just, just one of those, one of those days
Just one of those, one of those days
It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days)
It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days)
It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days)
It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days)
It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days)
It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days)
It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days)
It's just one of those days
Oh, my baby, my baby she don't want me no more
Ever since she saw his poster in that record store
She says the way he grinds his molars is really sexy
She thinks he's so darn dysfunctional and "Generation X"y
She likes his brooding angst and his wild-eyed stare
Yeah, he's her very favorite slacker multi-millionaire
Well, my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
She's all crazy 'bout that Eddie Vedder
Once she was mine, but now I better just forget her
'Cause my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
Now, every time I see him, well, he looks so grim
I guess it really must suck to be a rock star like him
What a pain in the butt to have so much success
Spending all his time moping and avoiding the press
But my girl can't get enough of his sullen demeanor
Like he's some big tortured genious and I'm some kinda wiener
Well, my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
She's got a thing for that Eddie Vedder
Tell me, what can he do that I can't do better
Now my baby's in love with
I said I said I said my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
Head over heels for that Eddie Vedder
I cant believe it, now she's knitting him a sweater
'Cause my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
I knew we were headin' for disaster
When she caught me hangin' out at the Ticketmaster
Now she's got an unrequited adoratioon
For the frustrated, agitated, designated alienated
Spokesman for the disaffected grunge generation
Well, I don't wear Doc MArtens and I don't wear flannel
And I don't boycott the music video channel
And I just can't compete with all that money and fame
But I know two can play at this game
Yeah, well, let's just see how jealous she'll get
When I start stalking Alanis Morissette
Well, mny baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
She's all crazy 'bout that Eddie Vedder
Once she was mine but now I better just forget her
'Cause my baby's in love with
I said I said I said my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
Why'd she have to fall for that Eddie Vedder
If she wants to leave me, I guess I better let her
I need a Vegematic!
I need a Pocket Fisherman!
I need a handy appliance
That'll scramble an egg while it's still inside its shell!
(Operators are standing by.
How does that make you feel?)
Help me.
Mr. Popeil!
I wanna shine some pennies!
I wanna mend some leather!
I wanna Krazy-Glue my head to the bottom of a big steel girder!
(Please, no C.O.D.'s.
Don't miss out on this deal.)
Ah, help me.
Mr. Popeil!
Help me.
Mr. Popeil!
Mr. Popeil!
Mr. Popeil!
(Wo-o, wo-o. Ohhhhhh.)
It slices. It dices.
Look at that tomato!
You could even cut a tin can with it,
But you wouldn't want to!
Mr. Popeil, I'm in trouble.
Need your assistance on the double.
Oh no! Now how am I gonna make
My old vinyl car top look like new?
Mr. Popeil!
Tell me, what am I s'posed to do?
Mr. Popeil!
Mr. Popeil!
(Now how much would you pay?)
But wait, there's more!
It's not sold in any store!
(Now how much would you pay?)
Don't answer yet,
Just look what else you get!
(Now how much would you pay?)
If you order today,
You get a Ginsu knife and a smokeless ashtray!
(Now how much would you pay?)
Now how much would you pay?
Mr. Popeil, Mr. Popeil.
Mr. Popeil, Mr. Popeil.
Mr. Popeil, Mr. Popeil.
Mr. Popeil, Mr. Popeil.
Make me buy a Garden Weasel!
Make me buy a Bamboo Steamer!
Make me take advantage
Of this amazing TV offer!
(Call our toll-free number,
We'll make you such a deal.)
Aw, help me!
Mr. Popeil. I want it!
(Mr. Popeil.) Well, I need it!
(Mr. Popeil.) I got to got to got to have it!
Mr. Popeil!
Mr. Popeil!
Hey!
I was waiting in the express lane with my twelve items or less
At the checkout counter at the local grocery store
I was only passin' by
But a paper caught my eye
And I learend a few things I mever knew before
It said your pet may be an extra terrestrial
It said the ghost of elvis is living in my den
You can learn to cope with stress
You can beat the IRS
And the incredible frog boy is on the loose again
Oh, Mignight Star
It's in the weekly Midnight Star
Aliens from outer space are sleeping in my car
Midnight Star, I wanna know, I wanna know
Eat jelly donuts and lose twenty pounds a day
Hear the story of the man born without a head
And top psychics all agree
That the telephone company
Will have a brand new service that lets you talk to the dead
Oh, Midnight Star
You can believe it if you read it in the weekly Mignight Star
They're keeping Hitler's brain alive inside a jar
Midnight Star, I wanna know, I wanna know
Tell me, tell me, tell me how to make my bust-line grow
Midnight Star, I wanna know
Oh, Midnight Star
Well, don't you know that I read it, I read it in the weekly Midnight Star
The UFOs have landed and we'll tell you where they are
Midnight Star, I wanna know, I wanna know
Midnight Star
Well, you can read all about in in the weekly Midnight Star
You can use you ESP to learn to play guitar
Midnight Star I wanna know, I wanna know
(Ah, Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know
(Ah, Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know
(Ah, Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know
(Ah, Midnight Star) Inquiring minds like mine wanna know
(You can read it {x5}, Midnight Star {x2}) (Ah, Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know
(You can read it {x5}, Midnight Star {x2}) (Ah, Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know
(You can read it {x5}, Midnight Star {x2}) (Ah, Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know
(You can read it {x5}, Midnight Star {x2}) (Ah, Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know
(You can read it {x5}, Midnight Star {x2}) (Ah, Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know
(You can read it {x5}, Midnight Star {x2}) (Ah, Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know
Let me be your hog
Let me be your hog, now (snort, snort)
I said baby baby baby baby baby
Help me out
All I do is grunt and groan
Hurts me to walk anywhere
Went to see my physician, Dr. Jones
He took my trousers off, told me to cough
Doctor says there ain't nothin' to discuss
He tells me any day I might have to wear a truss
Living with a hernia, ow
All the time, such aggravation
Living with a hernia
Gonna be my ruination
Living with a hernia
Got to have an operation
Feel so old, ow
Too much bad pain
Good God, drives me insane
Can't run, barely crawl
Got a bulge in my intestinal wall
Walk real funny, bless my soul
Can't play tennis and it's hard to bowl
You can't even do the splits now
Say it
Better call it quits now
Now I'm sick of all this dancin' anyhow
Living with a hernia
Hurts me bad in a tender location
Living with a hernia
Had enough humiliation
Living with a hernia, yow
Got to have an operation
Ow, I live with a hernia
Can't get up, can't bend over
Now I live with a hernia
Wait a minute
You may not be familiar with the common types
Of hernias that you could get
So just settle down, let me clue you in
There's incomplete (incomplete)
Epigastric (epigastric)
Bladder, huh (bladder)
Strangulated (strangulated
Lumbar hernia (lumbar hernia)
Richter's hernia (Richter's hernia)
Obstructed (obstructed)
Inguinal and Direct
Living with a hernia
Rupture
I said it's causin' me such irritation
Living with a hernia
Have to have my medication
Living with a hernia
Yeah, I feel bad
It's Christmas at ground zero, there's music in the air.The sleigh bells are ringin' and the carolers are
singin', While the air raid sierens blair.
It's Christmas at ground zero, the button has been pressed. The radio just let us know that htis is not a test.
Everywhere the atom bombs are droppin', It's the end of all humanity. No more time for last minute
shoppin'. Its time to face your final destiny.
It's Christmas at ground zero, There's panic in the crowd. We can dodge debry while we trim the tree
underneath a mushroom cloud.
You might hear some reindeer on your rooftop. Or jackfrost on your window sill - but if someone's cimbin'
down your chimney.. you better load your gun and shoot to kill!
It's Christmas at ground zero, and if the radiation level's OK - I'll go out with you, and see all the new,
mutations on New Years' Day.
It's Christmas at ground-zero, just seconds left to go. I'll duck and cover with my yule-tide lover,
underneath the mistletoe.
It's Christmas at ground zero, now the missles are on their way. What a crazy fluke, we're gonna get
nuked on this jolly holiday. What a crazy ol' fluke! We're gonna get nuked! -- on this jolly - holiday ----
It's all about the Pentiums, baby
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
It's all about the Pentiums, baby
It's all about the Pentiums, baby
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
Yeah
What y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?
Workin' at a desk with a dumb little placard?
Yeah, payin' the bills with my mad programming skills
Defraggin' my hard drive for thrills
I got me a hundred gigabytes of RAM
I never feed trolls and I don't read spam
Installed a T1 line in my house
Always at my PC, double-clickin' on my mizouse
Upgrade my system at least twice a day
I'm strictly plug-and-play, I ain't afraid of Y2K
I'm down with Bill Gates, I call him "Money" for short
I phone him up at home and I make him do my tech support
It's all about the Pentiums, what?
You've gotta be the dumbest newbie I've ever seen
You've got white-out all over your screen
You think your Commodore 64 is really neato
What kinda chip you got in there, a Dorito?
You're usin' a 286? Don't make me laugh
Your Windows boots up in what, a day and a half?
You could back up your whole hard drive on a floppy diskette
You're the biggest joke on the Internet
Your database is a disaster
You're waxin' your modem, tryin' to make it go faster
Hey fella, I bet you're still livin' in your parents' cellar
Downloadin' pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar
And postin' "Me too!" like some brain-dead AOL-er
I should do the world a favor and cap you like Old Yeller
You're just about as useless as jpegs to Hellen Keller
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
Now, what y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?
Uh, uh, loggin' in now
Wanna run wit my crew, hah?
Rule cyberspace and crunch numbers like I do?
They call me the king of the spreadsheets
Got 'em printed out on my bedsheets
My new computer's got the clocks, it rocks
But it was obsolete before I opened the box
You say you've had your desktop for over a week?
Throw that junk away, man, it's an antique
Your laptop is a month old? Well that's great
If you could use a nice, heavy paperweight
My digital media is write-protected
Every file inspected, no viruses detected
I beta tested every operation system
Gave props to some, and others? I dissed 'em
While your computer's crashin', mine's multitaskin'
It does all my work without me even askin'
Got a flat-screen monitor forty inches wide wide
I believe that your says "Etch-A-Sketch" on the side
In a 32-bit world, you're a 2-bit user
You've got your own newsgroup, "alt.total-loser"
Your motherboard melts when you try to send a fax
Where'd you get your CPU, in a box of Cracker Jacks?
Play me online? Well, you know that I'll beat you
If I ever meet you I'll control-alt-delete you
What? What? What? What? What?
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
Now, what y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?
There's a sale on our gabardine suits today.
They're all thirty percent off from yesterday.
There's Fortrel polyester, leather, wool and tweed.
Just a Visa or Mastercard is all you need.
We've got every color, we've got ev'ry shade.
We're located next door to Willy's Fun Arcade.
We got every fabric that was ever made,
But I'm known in this city as the King of Suede.
We got portly and regular and extra-long.
(Is my size up there?)
We got tailors to fix it, if it comes out wrong.
(Is my size up there?)
We got all kinds of sweatshirts, you can take your pick.
(Is my size up there?)
With the collars ripped off, like that Flashdance flick.
(Is my size up there?)
Our prices are low, my staff is underpaid.
You can buy off the rack, or have it custom made,
And it's all guaranteed to never shrink or fade,
'Cause of my reputation as the King of Suede.
If you need a tuxedo for your junior prom,
(Is my size up there?)
We can get you the best one that's made in Taiwan.
(Is my size up there?)
We got jackets with patches on the elbows, too.
(Is my size up there?)
And we'll sell 'em all factory-direct to you.
(Is my size up there?)
Well, I never made it past the second grade.
It took all of my life for me to learn this trade.
But my friends are all thinking that I've got it made,
'Cause I'm known the world over as the King of Suede.
There's a two-for-one sale on our three-piece suits.
Check out our suede pajamas and our suede-covered boots.
You can try on our suede underwear if you choose.
Do what you want, but don't step on my blue suede shoes.
King of Suede.
Don't miss out on our giant liquidation sale.
(Is my size up there?)
Look for our color catalog in next week's mail.
(Is my size up there?)
There's a sale on our double-knit slacks today.
It's the same old sale as yesterday.
Thirty years in the same location I have stayed,
There I am, right next door to Willy's Fun Arcade.
I got tough competition but I'm not afraid,
'Cause it's my destiny to be the King of Suede.
King of Suede.
King of Suede.
King of Suede.
I'll always be King of Suede.
I'll always be King of Suede
When I said that I'd be faithful
When I promised I'd be true
When I swore that I could never
Be with anyone but you
When I told you that I loved you
With those tender words I spoke
I was only kidding
Now, can't you take a joke?
When I said that I need you, baby
When I told you that I really care
When I said that I can't live without you
When I said I'd follow you anywhere
When I said you could always trust me
When I said I'd never leave you flat
Well, guess what? I was only kidding, baby
I can't belieeeeve you fell for that! You're so gullible...
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) You thought that was for real?
I was only kidding
Now I'm sorry if you misunderstood, but the fact remains
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) Baby, baby, I was...
(I was) only kidding
Well, I guess I got you pretty good, now listen...
When I said that I love you, baby
From the very bottom of my heart
When I said that I miss you so badly
Every second we're apart
When I swore that you're just getting more and more
Beautiful every day
Well, I was only kidding, honey
What's the matter with you anyway? Let me tell you something
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) You understand, don't ya?
I was only kidding
Well, I guess it probably hurts you alot, but you gotta know
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) Come on now, get a clue
I was only kidding
I really love you... NOT!
When I said you oughta marry
When I said that we should settle down
Well, I was pullin' your leg there, honey
I was just foolin' around
You see, I -- I never meant to upset you, darlin'
I never meant to hurt anyone
I was only kidding, baby
Why don't you just put down that gun?
Let's talk this over
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) Whatch where you're pointing that thing
(I was only kidding)
Hey, I'm sorry if your heart is broke... you gotta realize
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) Aww, yeah
I was only kidding
Now, honey, can't you take a joke?
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) I didn't lie to you
I was only kidding... Yes indeed
(I was only kidding) Baby, baby, you know
I don't care about your karma
I don't care about what's hip
No space cadet's gonna tell me what to do
I won't swim in your Jacuzzi
You can't make me settle down
I'd rather kick and jump and bite and scratch
And scream until I'm blue
I may as well be hyper as long as I'm still around
'Cause I'll have lots of time to be laid back
When I'm six feet underground.
(Chorus)
I'll be mellow when I'm dead (I'll be mellow when I'm dead)
I'll be mellow when I'm dead (I'll be mellow when I'm dead)
I'll be mellow when I'm dead (I'll be mellow when I'm dead)
When are you cosmic cowboys gonna get it through your heads
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I can't stand the smell of incense
I don't really like to jog
No Joanie Mitchell 8-tracks in the car (oooh)
I hate anything organic
Even health food makes me sick
You won't catch me sipping Perrier
Down in some sushi bar, I tell you
Now's the time to go for all the gusto you can grab
You'll have plenty of time to be low-key
When you're laid out on the slab
(Chorus)
Ow! Bobcat!
I don't want no part of that vegetarian scene
I won't buy me a pair of designer jeans
No redwood hot tub to my name
I got all that I want and if it's all the same to you
I don't need a course in selfawareness
To find out who I am
And I'd rather have a Big Mac or a Jumbo Jack
Than all the bean sprouts in Japan
Ah so don't ask me what I'm into
I don't need to prove I'm cool
I'll break your arm if you ask me what's my sign
I won't tell you where my head's at
I don't need to see no shrink
Psychosis may be in this year but I'm really not that kind
And I'm in no hurry to be casual
In fact I think I'll wait
Until I'm pushing up the daisies
Like wow, man, can you relate?
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead (mellow when I'm dead)
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead (mellow when I'm dead)
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead .....wooooowww!
Ohhhhhh...
I was there, to match my intellect, on national TV,
Against a plumber, and an architect, both with a Ph.D.
I was tense, I was nervous,
I guess it just wasn't my night.
Art Fleming gave the answers,
Oh, but I couldn't get the questions right-ight-ight
I lost on Jeopardy,
Baby,
(Oooh.)
I lost on Jeopardy,
Baby,
(Oooh.)
Well I knew I was in trouble now,
My hope of winning sank,
'Cause I got the Daily Double now,
And then my mind went blank.
I took Potpourri for one hundred,
And then my head started to spin.
Well, I'm givin' up. Don Pardo,
Just tell me now what I didn't win,
Yeah, yeah.
I lost on Jeopardy,
Baby,
(Oooh.)
I lost on Jeopardy,
Baby,
(Oooh.)
That's right Al--you lost! And let me tell what you didn't win: a twenty-
volume set of the Encyclopedia International, a case of Turtle Wax, and a
year's supply of Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco treat. But that's not all!
You also made yourself look like a jerk in front of millions of people! And
you brought shame and disgrace on your family name for generations to come!
You don't get to come back tomorrow! You don't even get a lousy copy of your
home game! You're a complete loser!!
Don't know what I was thinkin' of,
I guess I just wasn't too bright.
Well, I sure hope I do better
Next weekend on The Price Is Right-ight-ight
I lost on Jeopardy,
Baby,
(Oooh.)
I lost on Jeopardy,
Baby,
(Oooh.)
I lost on Jeopardy,
I can't watch this. I can't watch this
I can't watch this. I can't watch this
My my my my TV makes me so bored
Makes me say, oh my lord
What is this garbage here?
Wanna cover my eyes and plug my ears
It sucks, and that's no lie
It's about as much fun as watching paint dry
Lowers my IQ one notch
And that's the reason why, uh, I can't watch
I told you homeboy... I can't watch this
Yeah, nothin' but trash and you know...
I can't watch this
Poke out my eyes, man... I can't watch this
Yo, gimme that remote control... I can't watch this
Talkin' 'bout sick shows
Tere's America's Funniest Home Videos
I can't believe my eyes
When I see the kind of stuff that wins first prize
Somebody's poor old mom
Falls down off the roof, lands right on the lawn
Face first on a rake
I hear they've got it on the seventeenth take
That's funny as a kick in the crotch
And that kind of show, uh, I can't watch
Yo, I told you... I can't watch this
Change the channel now, man... I can't watch this
Yo, pass the TV Guide here, sucker... I can't watch this
Cosby Show and Rosanne
Think I've taken 'bout as much as I can
Judge Wopner, oh my
You gotta be Rainman to like this guy
Thirtysomething is alright
If you like hearing yuppies whining all night
Can't stand Twin Peaks
Wish they'd lynch those donun-eatin' freaks
Thos Siskel & Ebert bums
Oughta go home and sit on their thumbs
That's word because you know... I can't watch this
I can't watch this
Break it down!
Here's-how-to-order-money-back-guarantee-removes-tough-stains-fast
-it-tastes-more-like-fresh-peanuts-they-keep-going-and-going-don't-hate-me
-because-I'm-beautiful-could-be-dandruff-our-prices-are-insaaaane!!!
Stop! Prime Time!
I'm pretty sure I'll be sick
If I have to watch another stupid pet trick
Or that guy with the real flat hair
That goes "woof woof woof" and waves his fist in the air
Or those weird talk shows
About Transsexual Nazi Eskimos
They're rude, crude and vile
Just for a minute let's flip down the dial
Flip, flip, flip... yeccch, I can't watch this
Look man... I can't watch this
I can't take this torture no more, I can't...
I can't watch this
Pay the bills, station break
Break it down!
Operators-are-standing-by-cubic-zirconium-necklace-you're-soaking-in-it
-and-our-fabulous-swimsuit-issue-when-you've-got-a-headache-this-big
-this-is-your-brain-on-drugs-I've-fallen-and-I-can't-get-up!!
Stop! Cable Time!
HBO and Playboy, Showtime and MTV
I might like 'em more after my lobotomy
Now why did I ever pay for this junk?
I hooked up eighty channels and each one stunk
Just brainless blood and guts, and mindless T & A
It's awful, it's putrid, it's crummy, it's stupid, gonna throw my set away
I can't watch this. I can't watch this
I can't watch this. Yeah... I can't watch this
I told you... can't watch this
Too hip, can't watch this
You could have a big dipper
Going up and down all around the bends
You can have a bumper car bumping
This amusement never ends
I want to be your sledgehammer
Why don't you call my name
Ah, oh let me be your sledgehammer
This can be your testimony, yeah
Yeah
There's a girl that's been on my mind
All the time, Su-sussudio
Oh oh
Now she don't even know my name
But I think she likes me just the same
Su-sussudio, whoa oh
And my girl wants to
Party all the time, party all the time, party all the time
My girl wants to party all the time, party all the time
She parties all the time
Say you, say me
Say it for always
That's the way it should be
Say you, say me
Say it together
Naturally
We're going riding on the freeway of love (wind's against our back)
We're going riding on the freeway of love (in a pink Cadillac)
That's why you need
That's why
That's what you need
That's what you need
Ya ya ya, do the Harlem polka
(Everybody now)
Ya ya ya, do the Harlem polka
She's got it, yeah baby, she's got it
Well, I'm your Venus, I'm your fire
What's your desire
Nasty, nasty boys, don't mean a thing
Oh you nasty boys
Nasty, nasty boys, don't ever change
Oh you nasty boys
I like this part
Ooh, rock me Amadeus
Ooh, rock me Amadeus
Ooh, rock me Amadeus
Shout, shout, let it all out
These are the things I can't do without
Come on, I'm talking to you
Come on
Please, papa don't preach, I'm in trouble deep
Papa don't preach, I've been losing sleep
But I've made up my mind
I'm keeping my baby
I'm gonna keep my baby
I'm gonna keep my baby
Polka Party! is the fifth (5th) song on the "Polka Party" album.
It is a medley of.... "Sledgehammer" by Peter Gabriel,
"Sussudio" by Phil Collins,
"Party All The Time" by Eddie Murphy,
"Say You, Say Me" by Lionel Richie,
"Freeway Of Love" by Aretha Franklin,
"What You Need" by INXS,
"Harlem Shuffle" by The Rolling Stones,
"Venus" by Shocking Blue,
"Nasty" by Janet Jackson,
"Rock Me Amadeus" by Falco,
"Shout" by Tears For Fears, and
"Papa Don't Preach" by Madonna.
Oh, Harvey, HarveyHarvey the Wonder HamsterHe doesn't bite and he doesn't squealHe just runs around on his hamster wheelHarvey, HarveyHarvey the Wonder HamsterHey, Harvey!
Oh, I couldn't live a single day without you
Actually, on second thought, well, I suppose I could
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, honey, you're the greatest
Well, at any rate, I guess you're...pretty good
Now, it seems to me I'm relatively lucky
I know I probably couldn't ask for too much more
I honestly can say you're an above-average lady
You're almost just what I've been looking for
You're sort of everything I've ever wanted
You're not perfect, but I love you anyhow
You're the woman that I've always dreamed of
Well, not really...but you're good enough for now
You're pretty close to what I've always hoped for
That's why my love for you is fairly strong
And I swear I'm never gonna leave you, darlin'
At least 'til something better comes along
'Cause you're sort of everything I've ever wanted
You're not perfect, but I love you anyhow
You're the woman that I've always dreamed of
Well, not really...but you're good enough for now
No, not really...but you're good enough for now
George, George, George of the jungle
Strong as he can be
Ahhh
Watch out for that tree
George, George, George of the jungle
Lives a life that's free
Ahhh
Watch out for that tree
When he gets in scrapes
When he makes his escapes
With the help of his friend
An ape named Ape
Then away he'll schlep
On his elephant Shep
While Fella and Ursula
Stay in step with
George, George, George of the jungle
Friend to you and me
Ahhh
Watch out for that tree
Watch out for that (Ahhh) (Oooh) tree
George, George, George of the Jungle
I'm not the brightest crayon in the box
Everyone says I'm dumber than a bag of rocks
I barely even know how to put on my own pants
But I'm a genius in France (yeah), genius in France, genius in France
Hoom chaka laka
Hoom chaka laka
Hoom chaka
I may not be the sharpest hunk of cheese
I got a negative number on my SATs
I'm not good looking and I don't know how to dance
But nevertheless and in spite of the evidence I am still widely considered to be
A genius in France, a genius in France, a genius in France
People say I'm a geek, a moronic little freak
An annoying pipsqueak with an unfortunate physique
If I was any dumber, they'd have to water me twice a week
But when the Mademoiselles see me, they all swoon and shriek
They dig my mystique, they say I'm c'est magnifique
When I'm in Par-ee, I'm the chic-est of the chic
They love my body odor and my bad toupee
They love my stripey shirt and my stupid beret
And when I'm sipping on a Perrier
In some cafe town in St. Tropez
It's hard to keep the fans at bay
They say, "Sign my poodle, s'il vous plait"
"Sign my poodle, s'il vous plait"
Hemenene humenene
himenene homenene
Poodle... poodle...
Folks in my hometown think I'm a fool
Got too much chlorine in my gene pool
A few peas short of a casserole
A few buttons missing on my remote control
A few fries short of a happy meal
I couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
Instructions on the heel
Instructions on the heel
But when I'm in Provence, I get free croissants
Yeah, I'm the guy every French lady wants
And if you ask 'em why, you're bound to get this response
(He's a genius in France! Genius in France!)
That's right
(He's a genius in France, genius in France)
You know it
(He's a genius in France, genius in France, genius in France)
I'm not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree
But the folks in France, they don't seem to agree
They say, "Bonjour, Monsieur would you take ze picture with me?"
I say, "Oui, oui"
That's right, I say, "Oui, oui"
"Oui, oui"
He says, "Oui, oui"
I'm dumber than a box of hair
But those Frenchies don't seem to care
Don't know why, mon frere
But they love me there
I'm a genius in France
Yeah, I'm a genius in France
Gonna make a big splash when I show up in Cannes
Gonna make those Frenchies scream
"You ze man! You ze man! You ze man!"
Like a fine Renoir (waa), I've got that je me c'est quoi (quoi!)
Like a fine Renoir (ooh la la), I've got that je me c'est ...
Quoi quoi quoi quoi quoi, oo-we-oo
Quoi quoi quoi quoi quoi, oo-we-oo
Bow diddy bow di bow di bow bow diddy
Bow diddy bow di bow di bow bow diddy
I'm a taco short of a combo plate
But by some twist of fate, all the Frogs think I'm great
Oh, the men all faint and the women scream
They like me more than heavy cream
When I'm in Versailles, I'm a popular guy
My oh my, I'm as French as apple pie (apple pie)
They think I'm awful witty, a riot and a half
When I tell a stupid joke, they laugh(haw haw haw haw haw)
And laugh (haw haw haw haw haw haw)
People in France have lots of attitude
They're snotty and rude, they like disgusting food
But when they see me, they just come unglued
They think that I am one happening dude
Bowm ba ba bowm ba bowm ba bowm
I'm about as sharp as a bowling ball
But they like me better than Charles de Gaulle
Entre nous, it's very true
The room temperature's higher than my IQ
But they love me more than Gerard Depardieu
How did this happen; I don't have a clue
Well, I'm not the quickest tractor on the farm
I don't have any skills or grace or charm
And most people look at me like I'm all covered with ants
But I'm a genius in France (yeah), genius in France, genius in France
And I'm never goin' back, I'm never goin' back
I'm never never never never goin' back home again
I'm tearin' up my return flight ticket
Gonna tell the folks back here where they can stick it
'Cause I'm never goin' back
I'm never goin' back
I'm never goin' back
The girls back home never gave me a chance
But I sho' 'nuff got them Frogs in some kinda trance
And I'm aware that it's a most improbable circumstance
But "Great Googily Moogily", I'm a genius in France
Every Frenchie that I meet
Just can't wait to kiss my feet
Get in line, pucker up! Tout Suite!
Bowm diddy bowm diddy bowm diddy
I'm gettin' even more famous by the hour
I'm stuffed with pastries and drunk with power
Now they're puttin' up my statue by the Eiffel Tower
A little more to the left, boys, a little more to the left
A little more to the left, boys, a little more to the left
I'm the biggest dork there is alive
My mom picked out my clothes for me 'till I was 35
And I forgot to mention
I'm not even welcome at the Star Trek convention
But the Frenchies think
That my poop don't stink
I'm a genius in France
Say, would you pass the Grey Poupon?
Next week on U62...
He's back
And this time
He's mad
Gandhi II
No more mister passive resistance
He's out to kick some butt
This is one bad mother you don't wanna mess with
Don't move, slimeball
He's a one man recking crew
But he also knows how to party
Gimme a steak, medium rare
Hey, Baldy!
There is only one law
His law
Announcer: Next week on U62...
Announcer: He's back
Announcer: And this time
Announcer: He's mad
Announcer: Gandhi II
Announcer: No more mister passive resistance
Announcer: He's out to kick some butt
Announcer: This is one bad mother you don't wanna mess with
Gandhi : Don't move, slimeball
Announcer: He's a one man recking crew
Announcer: But he also knows how to party
Gandhi : Gimme a steak, medium rare
Gangster : Hey, Baldy!
Announcer: There is only one law
Announcer: His law
Announcer: Gandhi II
Yeah
A used ... pink bathrobe
A rare ... mint snowglobe
A Smurf ... TV tray
I bought on eBay
My house ... is filled with this crap
Shows up in bubble wrap
Most every day
What I bought on eBay
Tell me why (I need another pet rock)
Tell me why (I got that Alf alarm clock)
Tell me why (I bid on Shatner's old toupee)
They had it on eBay
I'll buy ... your knick-knack
Just check ... my feedback
"A++!" they all say
They love me on eBay
Gonna buy (a slightly-damaged golf bag)
Gonna buy (some Beanie Babies, new with tag)
(From some guy) I've never met in Norway
Found him on eBay
I am the type who is liable to snipe you
With two seconds left to go, whoa
Got Paypal or Visa, what ever'll please ya
As long as I've got the dough
I'll buy ... your tchotchkes
Sell me ... your watch, please
I'll buy (I'll buy, I'll buy, I'll buy ...)
I'm highest bidder now
(Junk keeps arriving in the mail)
(From that worldwide garage sale) (Dukes Of Hazard ashtray)
(Hey! A Dukes Of Hazard ashtray)
Oh yeah ... (I bought it on eBay)
Wanna buy (a PacMan Fever lunchbox)
Wanna buy (a case of vintage tube socks)
Wanna buy (a Kleenex used by Dr. Dre, Dr. Dre)
(Found it on eBay)
Wanna buy (that Farrah Fawcet poster)
(Pez dispensers and a toaster)
(Don't know why ... the kind of stuff you'd throw away)
(I'll buy on eBay)
What I bought on eBay-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y
Your butt is wide, well mine is too
Just watch your mouth or I'll sit on you
The word is out, better treat me right
'Cause I'm the king of cellulite
Ham on, ham on, ham on whole wheat, all right
My zippers bust, my buckles break
I'm too much man for you to take
The pavement cracks when I fall down
I've got more chins than Chinatown
Well, I've never used a phone booth
And I've never seen my toes
When I'm goin' to the movies
I take up seven rows
Because I'm fat, I'm fat, come on
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, come on you know
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
Don'tcha call me pudgy, portly or stout
Just now tell me once again who's fat
When I walk out to get my mail
It measures on the Richter scale
Down at the beach I'm a lucky man
I'm the only one who gets a tan
If I have one more pie a la mode
I'm gonna need my own zip code
When you're only having seconds
I'm having twenty-thirds
When I go to get my shoes shined
I gotta take their word
Because I'm fat, I'm fat, sha mone
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it you know
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
And my shadow weighs forty-two pounds
Lemme tell you once again who's fat
If you see me comin' your way
Better give me plenty space
If I tell you that I'm hungry
Then won't you feed my face
Because I'm fat, I'm fat, come on
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
Woo woo woo, when I sit around the house
I really sit around the house
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, come on
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know, you know, you know, come on
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
And you know all by myself I'm a crowd
Lemme tell you once again
You know I'm huge, I'm fat, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, you know, hoo
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
And the whole world knows I'm fat and I'm proud
Just tell me once again who's fat
Put down that chain saw and listen to me
Its time for us to join in the fight.
Its time to let your babies grow up to be cowboys
Its time to let the bedbugs bite.
You'd better put all your eggs in one basket
You'd better count your chickens before they hatch.
You'd better sell some wine before its time
You'd better find yourself an itch to scratch.
You'd better squeeze all the Charmin you can
While Mr. Whipple's not around.
Stick your head in the microwave and get yourself a tan.
Talk with your mouth full
Bite the hand that feeds you
Bite off more then you can chew
What can you do? Dare to be stupid!
Take some wooden nickels,
Look for Mr. Goodbar,
Get your mojo working now,
I'll show you how you can dare to be stupid!
You can turn the other cheek,
You can just give up the ship,
You can eat a bunch of sushi then forget to leave a tip.
(Dare to be stupid!) Come on and dare to be stupid,
It's so easy to do, dare to be stupid!
We're all waiting for you. Let's go!
It's time to make a mountain out of a molehill
So can I have a volunteer?
There's no more time for crying over spilled milk,
Now it's time for crying in your beer.
Settle down with a family. Join the PTA.
Buy some sensible shoes and a Cheverolet.
Then party till your broke and they drag you away.
It's OK. You can dare to be stupid!
It's like spitting on a fish.
It's like barking up a tree.
It's like I say, you gotta buy one if you wanna get one free.
Dare to be stupid! (yes) Why don't you dare to be stupid?
It's so easy to do. Dare to be stupid.
We're all waiting for you. Dare to be stupid.
Burn your candle at both ends.
Look a gift horse in the mouth.
Mashed potatoes can be your friends.
You can be a coffee achiever.
You can sit around the house and watch Leave it to Beaver.
The future's up to you, so what'choo gonna do?
Dare to be stupid! Dare to be stupid!
What did I say? (Dare to be stupid)
Tell me what did I say? (Dare to be stupid)
It's alright (Dare to be stupid)
We can be stupid all night (Dare to be stupid)
Come on, join in the crowd (Dare to be stupid)
Shout it out loud (Dare to be stupid)
I can't hear you (Dare to be stupid)
OK, I can hear you now (Dare to be stupid)
Let's go!
Dare to be stupid (Dare to be stupid)
Dare to be stupid (Dare to be stupid)
Dare to be stupid (Dare to be stupid)
Dare to be stupid (Dare to be stupid)
I don't care if you wreck my car or shave off all my hair
You can go and run your vacuum during my favorite show
And I'll let you call up folks in Europe you don't even know
Anything you want, babe, if it makes you happy
But I'm begging you down on my bended knees
Oh honey, please don't wear those shoes
You can spend my money, you can waste my time
Baby, I don't mind, but please don't wear those shoes
Don't wear those shoes
It's all right, you can play your Twisted Sister every night
I suppose you can lick the middles out of my Oreos
Or start laughing when you're drinking milk so it comes out your nose
And you know that I'd do anything to please you
But I'm begging you down on my bended knees
Oh honey, please don't wear those shoes
You can spit in my face if you're so inclined
Baby, I don't mind, but please don't wear those shoes
(Oh no, oh no)
Oh no, don't wear those shoes
I said oh no, oh no, oh no
Please don't wear those (shoes)
Use my razor to shave your legs or eat crackers in bed
Stomp the poodle till it's flat
You could even shove a six inch railroad spike through my head
I could learn to live with that
But now I'm begging you down on my bended knees
Oh honey, please don't wear those shoes
You can whip me, beat me, rob me blind
Baby I don't mind, but please don't wear those
I said oh no, oh no, oh no, don't wear those shoes
I said oh no, oh no, oh no, don't wear those shoes
You can scratch up my records, you can drink my booze
But baby, please don't wear those shoes
You can make me an offer I can't refuse
But darling, please don't wear those shoes
You can play your bongos while I'm trying to snooze
But honey, please don't wear those shoes
You can expose yourself on the six o'clock news
But please, please don't wear those shoes
I said oh no, oh no, oh no, don't wear those shoes
I said oh no, oh no, oh no, don't wear those shoes
I said oh no, oh no, oh no, don't wear those shoes
I said oh no, oh no, oh no
Don't wanna be a Canadian idiot
Don't wanna be some beer swillin' hockey nut
And do I look like some frostbitten hose-head?
I never learned my alphabet from A to Zed
They all live on donuts and moose meat
And they leave the house without packin' heat
Never even bring their guns to the mall
And you know what else is too funny?
Their stupid Monopoly money
Can't take 'em seriously at all
Well maple syrup and snow's what they export
They treat curling just like it's a real sport
They think their silly accent is so cute
Can't understand a thing they're talkin' aboot
Sure they got their national health care
Cheaper meds, low crime rates and clean air
Then again well they got Celine Dion
Eat their weight in Kraft macaroni
And dream of drivin' a Zamboni
All over Saskatchewan
Don't wanna be a Canadian idiot
Won't figure out their temperature in Celsius
See the map, they're hoverin' right over us
Tell you the truth, it makes me kinda nervous
Always hear the same kind of story
Break their nose and they'll just say "sorry"
Tell me what kind of freaks are that polite?
It's gotta mean they're all up to somethin'
So quick, before they see it comin'
Time for a pre-emptive strike!
Gonna tell you a story
About Chuck and Diane
Couple British kids from
The palace at Buckingham
Chuckie wants to grow up
And be a polo star
And ride his little horsies
All around the backyard, oh yeah
You know they really paid their dues
I said hey, lawdy mama
They got them Buckingham blues
Now Chuckie goes hunting
And leaves Diane alone
So she fixes her hair
And she talks on the Princess Phone
Chuckie's still tryin' to figure out
What his job's supposed to be
And Diane's the fashion leader
Of the aristocracy
I said hey, Lady Di
Tell me where'd you get them shoes, ah
Well, hey nonny nonny
Looks like you got them Buckingham blues
Aw, bein' heir to the throne, well
It must be awful hard
Gotta pose for pictures
Out on the front yard
And Lady Di, well
She must have it pretty rough
Gotta hang around the house all day
Makin' babies and stuff
Another game of croquet
Then they're off on a Caribbean cruise
Well hey bop-a-re-bop
They really got them Buckingham blues
Ah, tell the truth, now, tell the truth
I got my mojo workin'
yeah, woo, don't help me now
Ah, hurt me mama, whoa, ah
They don't serve no Twinkies
With their afternoon tea
Never had a dinner
Made by Chef Boyardee
Bein' in the spotlight
Is a hard life to choose
Diane drops half a pound
It's on the six o'clock news, oh yeah
Those kids have really paid their dues
Oh, what a royal pain it is
When you got them Buckingham blues
Sometimes I feel
Like I need a vacation
Sometimes I feel
Like I wanna go
To the city of cavemen
The city of Bedrock
I'd be a Flintstone
Now I'll tell you why....
Well I've got I've got a woman named Wilma
Well I've got I've got a baby named Pebbles
Well I've got I've got a doggy named Dino
We do a little bowling and we drink a little vino
Well I've got a little buddy, Barney Rubble
Got a neighbor by the name of Barney Rubble
He's a midget but he makes a lot of trouble
Does'nt like to shave, he got caveman stubble
Me and Barney, Loyal Order Water Buffalo
Lodge brothers, Loyal Order Water Buffalo
There's a handshake everybody gotta know
How come Grand Poo-Bah always gotta run the whole show?
Yabba dabba, Yabba dabba dabba do now
Yabba dabba, Yabba dabba dabba do now
Yabba dabba, Yabba dabba dabba do now
I get by on all my prehistoric knowhow
Betty and Barney got a baby named Bamm-Bamm
Little Pebbles is his number one fan
He's the strongest toddler in the whole land
Tear your arm off if he shake-es your hand
Got a car, gonna push it with my feet now
Gonna take my family out to eat now
Jumbo ribs at the drive-in can't be beat now
Made from brontosaurus baby, not moo-cow
Wanna chill with a sabre-toothed tiger
Wear a loincloth, natural fiber
Be the first Rolling Stone subscriber
Got a pterodactyl for a windshield wiper
Yabba dabba, Yabba dabba dabba do now
Yabba dabba, Yabba dabba dabba do now
Yabba dabba, Yabba dabba dabba do now
Don't know what it means but I say it anyhow
Lucky me, workin' down in the gravel pit
Movin' rocks, on a big dinosaur I sit
Mr. Slate gets mad and he throws a fit
Pull the birdie's tail, everybody knows its time to quit
Realize I'm livin' in the Stone Age
No fax, no cellular phone-Age
Pick my teeth with a dinosaur bone-Age
Liftin' heavy boulders every day for my wage
Barney Rubble, laugin' like a hyena
Barney Rubble, what a little wiener
Where's Wilma? Anybody seen her?
Got a baby elephant vacuum cleaner
Yabba dabba, Yabba dabba dabba do now
Yabba dabba, Yabba dabba dabba do now
Yabba dabba, Yabba dabba dabba do now
Yabba dabba, Yabba dabba dabba do now
Ridin' in a bus down the boulevard,
And the place was pretty packed.
Couldn't find a seat, so I had to stand,
With the perverts in the back.
It was smellin' like a locker room.
There was junk all over the floor.
We're already packed in like sardines,
But we're stoppin' to pick up more.
Look out!
Another one rides the bus-ah.
Another one rides the bus-ah.
And another comes on,
And another comes on.
Another one rides the bus.
Hey!
He's gonna sit by you.
Another one rides the bus.
There's a suitcase pokin' me in the ribs.
There's an elbow in my ear.
There's a smelly old bum standin' next to me.
Hasn't showered in a year.
Well, I think I'm missin' a contact lens.
I think my wallet's gone.
And I think this bus is stoppin' again,
To let a couple more freaks get on.
Look out!
Another one rides the bus-ah.
Another one rides the bus-ah.
And another comes on,
And another comes on.
Another one rides the bus-ah.
Hey!
He's gonna sit by you.
Another one rides the bus.
Another one rides the bus--ah.
Another one rides the bus--ow!
Another one rides the bus--hey, hey!
Another one rides the bus--hey-y-y-y!
The window doesn't open, and the fan is broke,
And my face is turnin' blue.
I haven't been in a crowd like this
Since I went to see The Who.
Well, I should'a got off a couple miles ago,
But I couldn't get to the door.
There isn't any room for me to breathe.
Now we're gonna pick up more, yeah!
Another one rides the bus-ah.
Another one rides the bus-ah.
And another comes on,
And another comes on.
Another one rides the bus-ah.
Hey!
He's gonna sit by you.
Another one rides the bus.
Soy un perdidor
I'm a loser, baby
So why don't you kill me?
Soy un perdidor
I'm a loser, baby
So why don't you kill me?
Hey!
I am I am I am
I said I wanna get next to you
I said I'm gonna get close to you
You wouldn't want me have to hurt you, too
Hurt you, too
I know what's on my mind
I know you like what's on my mind
I know it eats you up inside
I know you know, you know
Here I come I come I come I come
Here I come I come I come
All I wanna do is have some fun
I gotta feeling I'm not the only one
All I wanna do is have some fun
I gotta feeling I'm not the only one
All I wanna do is have some fun
Until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard
Help me--I broke apart my insides
Help me--I've got no soul to sell
Help me--The only thing that works for me
Help me get away from myself
I wanna [doink] you like an animal
I wanna feel you from the inside
I wanna [clong] you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to God
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
You bang bang bang bang bang
Blame blame blame
You bang bang bang bang bang
It's not my thing so let it go
'Cause the love that you gave
That we made
Wasn't able to make it
Enough for you to be open wide
No
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me
You'd hold me until you died?
'Til you died
Well, you're still alive
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You-ou-ou-ou-ou oughta know
Hey!
Despite all my rage
I am still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage
I am still just a rat in a cage
And someone will say
What is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage
I am still just a rat in a cage
I love all of you
Hurt by the cold
So hard and lonely, too
When you don't know yourself
I don't owe you anything!
I don't owe you anything!
I don't owe you anything!
I don't owe you anything!
Black Hole Sun
Won't you come
And wash away the rain?
Black Hole Sun
Won't you come, won't you come
Black Hole Sun
Black Hole Sun
Won't you come
Black Hole Sun
Black Hole Sun
Won't you come
Black Hole Sun
Black Hole Sun
Do you have the time
To listen to me whine
About nothing and everything all at once?
I am one those melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone
No doubt about it
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
And am I just paranoid
Or am I just stoned?
Or am I just stoned-oh-oh-oh-oh-ned?
Hey!
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
Couldn't think of any lyrics
No I never wrote the lyrics
So I'll just sing any old lyrics
That come to mind, child
You really need words
Whole lotta rhyming words
You gotta rhyme so many words, mm-mm
To do it, to do it, to do it, to do it
To do it, to do it right, child
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
I know that you're probably sore
'Cause I didn't write any more
I just didn't get to complete it
So that's why I gotta repeat it
This song is just six words long (six words long)
This song is just six words long (six words long)
Oh I make a lotta money
They pay me a ton of money
They're payin' me plenty of money
To sing this song, child
I gotta fill time
Three minutes worth of time
Oh, how will I fill so much time, mm-mm
I'll throw in a solo, a solo, a solo
A solo, a solo here
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song's got nothin' to say
But I'm recording it anyway
I know if I put my mind to it
I know I could find a good rhyme here
Oh, you gotta have-a music
You need really catchy music
This song has got plenty of music
But just six words, child
And so I'll sing' em over
And over and over and over
And over and over and over, mm-mm
And over and over and over
And over and over and over again
Six words long, six words long
Six words long, six words long
Six words long, six words long
This song is just six words long
It's just six words long
Had ourselves a little barbeque
Corn on the cob and mashed potatoes too
Joe got the Fritos, Ernie got the stew
So what did you bring
We got the beef
We got the beef
We got the beef
Yeah, we got it
(We got the beef)
Now, everybody get on your feet (we got the beef)
Grab a hunk of ??? beef (we got the beef)
Chuck daddy (we got the beef)
Now, ground round by the pound
We got the beef (we got the beef)
We got the beef (we got the beef, we got the beef)
We got the beef (we got the beef, we got the)
The first steak I ordered,
It wasn't very hot.
I had to send it back,
Let 'em have one more shot.
But the second steak I ordered,
Well it was lousy too.
Now I really hate to say it,
But there's one thing that you gotta do.
Make me steak number three, yeah.
Make me steak number three.
Make me steak number three, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wearin' old T-shirts and grubby jeans
People say I look kinda odd
Well, I'm never accepted in the social set
'Cause they say that I'm a clod
But once in a while, I go to my closet
And I put on something mod
And when I step out in my leisure suit
People stand up and applaud
Leisure suit serenade
Slip one on and you got it made
You better hope and pray that the colors don't fade
That's the leisure suit serenade
Now, it don't matter if the collar's bent
If it's got nylon twenty percent
Now I'm as cool as the ASB president
Leisure suit serenade
Leisure suit serenade
Slip one on and you got it made
You better hope and pray that the colors don't fade
That's the leisure suit serenade, oh yeah
If I could make love to a bottle
The first thing that I'd like to do
I'd search the world over to find one
I do not like Green Eggs and Ham
I do not like them
Sam, I am
I do not like them here or there
I do not like them anywhere
I do not like them in a boat
I would not, could not, with a goat
I will not eat them in the rain
I do not like them on a train
I do not like them in a box
I will not eat them with a fox
I do not like them in a house
I would not, could not, with a mouse
I do not like Green Eggs and Ham
I do not like them
Sam, I am
Green Eggs and Ham
Green Eggs and Ham
Well, I think you're obnoxious
And I think that you stink
I think you're a moron
A slob, and a fink
You're one of the biggest turkeys I know
And that is the reason I'm going to
Throw gravy on you
And throw gravy on you
Avocado,
What makes you think you're so holy?
You're gonna be guacamole before too long.
Oh, you're a green one,
You know that you're out of season.
You'd better let somebody eat you,
Let somebody eat you.
Ya better let somebody eat you
Oh, oh, here she comes.
Boy, she likes that processed meat.
Oh, oh, here she comes.
Fat and weak, what a disgrace.
Guess the champ got too lazy.
Ain't gonna fly now, he's just takin' up space.
Sold his gloves, threw his eggs down the drain.
But he's no bum, he lives down the street.
He bought the neighborhood deli.
Back on his feet, now he's choppin' up meat.
Come inside, maybe you'll hear him say,
Try the rye or the kaiser,
They're on special tonight.
Let me please be your catering advisor.
If you want substitutions,
I won't put up a fight.
Hey! Oooh! Oh!
One rule you all should obey:
Eat from the four basic food groups everyday.
Have bread, and vegetables too,
Some dairy products, but whatever you do
Don't you forget about meat.
Don't, don't, don't, don't,
I know to keep a woman satisfied.
When I whip out my Diner's Card their eyes get so wide.
They're always in the mood for something to munch.
Ah girls, they wanna have lunch.
Ah, girls just wanna have...
That's all they really want,
Some lunch.
Don't ask 'em to dinner
Or breakfast or brunch,
'Cause girls, they wanna have lunch.
Ah, girls just wanna have lunch.
Woah, 'cause he's my doctor, doctor,
And his name is Bernie, Bernie.
Oh, doctor, doctor,
I'm feelin' pretty dismal.
Doctor, doctor,
And his name is Bernie, Bernie.
Oh, doctor, doctor,
Goin' to the market now, market now.
I'm the city's biggest bologna buyer.
Walkin' down the shopping aisle, shopping aisle,
Filling up my basket with Oscar Meyer.
Never gonna stop, eat it up,
Such a tasty snack.
I always eat too much, and throw up,
But I'll soon be back
For my-my-my-y-y woo!
M-m-m-m-m-m-m-my-my-my-y-y woo!
M-m-m-my bologna.
M-m-m-my bologna.
M-m-m-my bologna.
M-m-m-my bologna!
How about making a run for the border
How about me deserving a break today
How about getting some fries with my order
How about finally letting me have it my way
Thank you Burger King
Thank you Dairy Queen
Thank you, thank you KFC
Thank you Pizza Hut
Thank you Taco Bell
This is 'Weird Al' Yankovic and you're listening to the Dr. Demento show
Well, woke up this morning
With a Big Mac in my hand
What fries, whose fries
Where's my Hot Apple Pies
Must be a joke
I can't believe there's no Coke
They showed up on my doorstep just a couple weeks ago
They looked so sweet and harmless
Tell me, how was I to know
They got a little too close to the microwave and then much to my surprise
They grew to forty thousand times their original size
They started mutatin' right before my eyes
Oh my
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
A race from a distant place
They came in UFOs shaped just like cuban cigars
Man oh man, you oughta hear 'em squeal
Now the whole wide world is their exercise wheel
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
The president, he's is a panic
The pentagon, they're in shock
There's a team of research scientists They got 'em workin' 'round the clock
Now the National Guard is out in my back yard
And the Marines'll be comin' around
I hope they get this lousy rodents out of my town
'Cause the property values are goin' way down now
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
They're back and they're lookin' for a snack
And they're not that fond of Burger Kings or salad bars
I hope they're not plannin' to stay
Who invited them here anayway
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
Well, well, look at that hamster, he's as big as a blimp
And there's one the size of central park
They're using telephone pole to pick their teeth
They're evil and nasty and they glow in the dark
Oh, don't waste any more of your bullets, boys
You know it just makes 'em mad when you shoot
They're gonna stomp us into jelly and conquer the world
But you gotta admit, they're really kinda cute, now
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
What a racquet they're makin', Jack
They keep me up at night playin' they're electric guitars
Listen to 'em squeal
They think the whole stinkin' world is their exercise wheel
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
Hey Jack, you better watch your back
Here come those hamsters from a planet near mars
Well, well, it's called the
Attack of the radioactive hamsters From a planet near Mars
A planet near Mars
Watch this
These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I can say
I came up with more secrets to tell you today
These are my confessions
Slipped my mind the last two times, silly me
So now I gotta give you part three of my confessions
First I told you 'bout the skank that I was cheatin' with
Then I mentioned she's havin' my kid
That's not all, now I recall more, you see
So I'll give you part three of my confessions
Now this gon' be the hardest thing I think I ever had to do
Gonna tell you everything I left out of parts one and two
Like, remember when I told you that I knew Pauley Shore
Pauley Shore, that's a lie, I don't know what I said that for
I borrowed your ChapStick from you without asking
Oh, and I tried out your nose hair trimmer too
And by the way, your "diamond" ring is cubic zirconium
I killed your goldfish accidentally, just replaced it with another one
These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I can say
I need to get some things off my chest right away
These are my confessions
Slipped my mind the last two times, silly me
Now I guess I gotta give you part three of my confessions
Threw up on your dog last time I had too much to drink
There've been times when I peed in your sink
Don't know why but you and I should agree
That belongs in part three of my confessions
Baby forgive me I'm still trying to figure out
Why I used your toothbrush to clean off the bathroom grout
Oh, and sometimes in private
Really like to dress up like Shirley Temple
And spank myself with a hockey stick
My boss thinks I'm a jerk, didn't get that raise
I haven't changed my underwear in twenty-seven days
And when I'm kissing you I fantasize you're a midget
I'm so sorry Debbie, I mean Bridget
These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I can say
I got a few more secrets I'd like to convey
These are my confessions
Slipped my mind the last two times, silly me
Now I guess I gotta give you part three of my confessions
Gave you buttered toast I dropped and picked up off the floor
FYI, it was not a cold sore
(Not a cold sore)
Whoops, my bad
(Hope you're not sore at me)
But you'll be madder at me when I finish part three of my confessions
You don't know how hard it is for me to tell you this
But you remember that shirt you got me for my birthday?
Well, I returned it for store credit
That thing was hideous, what were you thinking?
Oh, by the way, I wasn't really sick last week
I just didn't want to go to your stupid office picnic
Oh, and when I told you at breakfast we were all out of Rice Krispies
What I meant was, there was only enough left for me, sorry
These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I can say
I thought of some more things that should scare you away
These are my confessions
Slipped my mind the last two times, silly me
I guess I gotta give you part three of my confessions
Once I blew my nose and then I wiped it on your cat
And I lied, yes, that dress makes you look fat
Anyway, I shouldn't say anymore
'Til I give you part four of my confessions
I mean, I'm just getting started here
I'm not even halfway down the list
This thing could go on for
Hey hey, where you goin'?
Honey?
What?
Was it something I said?
Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding
This is my last resort
'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's all right, nothing is fine
I'm running and a-crying
Wake up (Wake up)
Grab a brush and put a little make-up
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
(Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup)
Why'd you leave the keys upon the table?
Here you go create another fable
You wanted to
Grab a brush and put a little makeup
You wanted to
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
You wanted to
Why'd you leave the keys upon the table?
You wanted to
I don't think you trust
In my self-righteous suicide
I cry when angels deserve to die, die, die
D-d-die die die die die
I'm gonna get free
I'm gonna get free
I'm gonna get free
Ride into the sun
She never loved me
She never loved me
She never loved me
Why should anyone?
(Come here, come here, come here)
I'll take your photo for ya
(Come here, come here, come here)
Drive you around the corner
(Come here, come here, come here)
You know you really oughta
(Come here, come here, come here)
Move out to California
Do what I want 'cause I can
If I don't because I wanna
Be ignored by the stiff and the bored
Because I'm gonna
Hate to say I told you so, all right
Do believe I told you so
Now it's all out and you knew
'Cause I wanted to
Fell in love with a girl
I fell in love at once and almost completely
She's in love with the world
But sometimes these feelings can be so misleading
Can't think of anything to do
Yeah, my left brain knows that all love is fleeting
She's just looking for something new
Yeah, I said it once before but it bears repeating, now
Last night, she said
"Oh baby, don't you feel so down
When you turn me off
When I feel left out"
So I (what'd you do?)
Well, I turned around (right around)
"Oh, baby, gonna be alright"
It was a great big lie (big old lie)
'Cause I left that night
Yeah
Ooh ah ah ah ah
Ooh ah ah ah ah
Get up
Come on get down with the sickness
Get up
Come on get down with the sickness
Get up
Come on get down with the sickness
Open up your hate and let it flow into me
Get up
Come on get down with the sickness
You mother get up
Come on get down with the sickness
Get up
Come on get down with the sickness
Madness is the gift that has been given to me
We're the renegades of funk
We're the renegades of funk
We're the renegades of funk
We're the renegades of funk
This time I'm 'a let it all come out
This time I'm 'a stand up and shout
I'm a do things my way
It's my way
My way or the highway
This time I'm a let it all come out
This time I'm a stand up and shout
I'm a do things my way
It's my way
[honk]
[honk]
Or the highway
But I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
Ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
Bawitdaba da bang da dang diggy diggy
Diggy said the boogie said up jump the boogie
Bawitdaba da bang da dang diggy diggy
Diggy said the boogie said up jump the boogie
We are, we are
The youth of the nation
We are, we are
The youth of the nation
We are, we are
The youth of the nation
We are the youth of the nation Hey
I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up
Please stand up
Please stand up
I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Shady please
Please, please stand up
Slim Shady won't you please stand up?
(Stand up Shady)(Stand up)
(Stand up Shady)(Stand up)
(Stand up Shady)
Shady, won't you please stand up?
As I was driving on the freeway in the fast lane
with a rabid wolverine in my underwear
when suddenly a guy behind me in the back seat
popped right up and cupped his hands across my eyes
i guessed is it Uncle Frank or Cousin Luis
is it Bob or Joe or Walter
Could it be Bill or Jim or Ed or Berny or Steve
I probably would of kept on guessing
but about that time we crashed into the truck
and as im laying bleeding there on the asphalt
finally I recognized the face of my Hibachie dealer
who takes off his prostetic lips and tells me
Everything you know is wrong
black is white up is down and short is long
and everything you thought was just so important
Doesnt really matter everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
all you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong!
As I was walking to the kitchen for some Golden Grahams
when i accidentally stepped into an alternative dimension
and soon I was abducted by some aliens from space
who's faces kinda looked like Jamie Barr
they sucked out my internal organs and took some polaroids
and said I was a darn good sport and as a way of saying thank you
they offered to transport me back to any point in history
that i would care to go
and so i had them send me back to last thursday night
so i could pay my phone bill on time
just then a floating disembodied head of Colonal Sanders started yelling
Everything you know is wrong
black is white up is down and short is long
and everything you thought was just so important
Doesnt really matter everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
all you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong!
I was just about to mail a letter to my evil twin
when i got a nasty paper cut
and well to make a long story short it got infected and i died
so now im up in heaven with St. Peter by the pearly gates
and its obvious he doesn't like the nayru jacket im wearing
he tells me that they got a dress code
well he lets me into heaven anyway
but i get the room next to the noisy ice machine for all eternity
and everyday he runs by screaming
Everything you know is wrong
black is white up is down and short is long
and everything you used to think was so important
doesn't really matter anymore
because the simple fact remains that
Everything you know is wrong just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is everything you know is wrong
(everything you know is wrong) Everything you know is wrong
We're dangerous dudes, we got bad attitudes
Most of our brain cells are gone
We were born to be bad, you better not make us mad
Or we just might toilet paper your lawn
We got a reputation 'round these parts
We only leave a ten percent tip
Sometimes we don't return our shoping carts
Stay out of our way and don't you give us no lip
'Cause we're young... dumb and ugly
That's what we are
We're so young... young, dumb and ugly
We wear black leather in the hottest weather
You can't imagine the smell
We got three-day stubble, our names spell trouble
T-R-U-B-E-L
Reaisin' hell, bendin' the rules just a little
We're livin' only for thrills
We squeeze our tooothpaste tubes from the middle
And wait until the last minute to pay our telephone bills
'Cause we're young... dumb and ugly
You better believe it
We're young... young, dumb and ugly
I'll tell you again
We're so young... young, dumb and ugly
We're comin' to your town
Yeah, we're young... young, dumb and ugly
We're wild, reckless men, we're on a rampage again
We drive with just one hand on the wheel
Danger's in our soul, we're goin' out of control
Swimmin' right after a big heavy meal
We're there wherever trouble's starting
We're rebels without a clue
We drink milk right from the carton
And keep our library books 'till they're way overdue
'Cause we're young... dumb and ugly
That's what we are
We're so young... young, dumb and ugly
You can't stop us
We're young... we're so young, dumb and ugly
Young, dumb & ugly
We're young... we're young, dumb and ugly
So ugly
My life is brilliant
What, was I too early?
Oh, sorry... Should I - do you wanna start over, or...
Keep going? Okay... now? Now?
My life is brilliant
Your life's a joke
You're just pathetic
You're always broke
Your homemade Star Trek uniform
Really ain't impressin' me
You're sufferin' from delusions of
Adequacy
You're pitiful
You're pitiful
You're pitiful, it's true
Never had a date
That you couldn't inflate
And you smell repulsive too
What a bummer bein' you
Well, you just can't dance
And forget romance
Everybody you know still calls you...
Farty-Pants
But you'll always have a job - well, I mean...
As long as you still can work that Slurpee machine
You're pitiful
You're pitiful
You're pitiful, it's true
You're half-undressed
Eatin' chips off your chest
While you're playin' Halo 2
No one's classier than you
La la la la, la la la la
La la la la loser
You're pitiful
You're pitiful
You're pitiful, it's true
Your dog would much rather play fetch by itself
You still live with your mom and you're 42
Guess you'll never grow a clue
You don't take your showers
You don't use Ban Roll On
Please don't come near me anymore
I'll throw up on the floor because you make me ill
I remember when
You used to smell half-decent
That hasn't been too recent
Now your repulsing all the people you know
You perspire freely, your dandruff's like snow
And you're drawing flies everywhere that you go
'Cuz you don't take your showers anymore
I had to buy some Airwick
You even made my dog sick
You can't come over anymore 'cuz your hygiene is poor
And besides, you're a slob
You create a nuisance
When you're out in public
When you walk up to people in your smelly old clothes
And they just run from you, holding their nose
And you claim that you're lonely
But that's how it goes
'Cuz you don't take your showers anymore
And you claim that you're lonely
But that's how it goes
'Cuz you don't change your undies
And you don't use Ban Roll On
We've been together for so very long
But now things are changing, oh I wonder what's wrong?
Seems you don't want me around
The passion is gone and the flame's died down
I guess I lost a little bit of self-esteem
That time that you made it with the whole hockey team
You used to think I was nice
Now you tell all your friends that I'm the Antichrist
Oh, why did you disconnect the breaks in my car?
That kind of thing is hard to ignore
Got a funny feeling you don't love me anymore
I knew that we were having problems when
You put those piranhas in my bathtub again
You're still the light of my life
Oh darling, I'm beggin', won't you put down that knife?
You know, I even think it's kinda cute the way
You poison my coffee just a little each day
I still remember the way that you laughed
When you pushed me down that elevator shaft
Oh, if you don't mind me asking, what's this poisonous cobra
Doing in my underwear drawer?
Sometime I get to thinking you don't love me any more
You slammed my face down on the barbecue grill
Now my scars are all healing, but my heart never will
You set my house on fire
You pulled out my chest hairs with an old pair of pliers
Oh, you think that I'm ugly and you say that I'm cheap
You shaved off my eyebrows while I was asleep
You drilled a hole in my head
Then you dumped me in a drainage ditch and left me for dead
Oh, you know this really isn't like you at all
You never acted this way before
Honey, something tells me you don't love me any more, oh no no
It was just the other day
When we went to Joe's Cafe
Just to order up a couple steaks to eat
But we noticed something wrong
All the Worcestershire was gone
But the waitress brought a different kind of treat
She said this sauce was the chef's new creation
Guaranteed, it's a new taste sensation
But she warned us it's made out of prunes
"Try a little if you dare"
"Nothing can compare"
So we had some and now we swear
We won't eat prunes again
That was such a dirty trick
Boy, it really made us sick
Well it looks like we've been done in by the prune
Still the memory lingers on
I been livin' in the john
'Cause I've had the runs since Monday afternoon
I'd sell my soul for some new constipation
Need a cure for this new aggravation
Diarrhea has taken its toll
Still got the runs today
Just like yesterday
Buddy, that's why I'm hear to say
We won't eat prunes again
Won't eat prunes again
No no
Yeah
Eat the new sauce
I was watching my TV one night when they broke in with a special report
About some devistating earthquake in Peru
There were thirty thousand crushed to death, even more were buried alive
On the Richter scale it measured 8.2
And I said, "God, please answer me one question?"
"Why'd they have to interrupt 'The Simpsons' just for this?"
What a drag, 'cause I was taping it and everything
And now I'll have to wait for the rerun to see the part of the show I missed
Why does this always happen?
Why does this always happen to me?
Why does this always happen?
(Why) Why does this always happen to me?
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba
I was driving down the highway when all the traffic slowed to a crawl
There was a twelve-car pile-up, everybody dead
And I saw brains and guts and vital organs splattered everywhere
As well as my friend Robert's disembodied head
And I thought - Poor Rob, I just had lunch with him
Hey, wait a minute, he still owes me money - what a jerk
Well, there's five bucks that I'm never gonna see again
Plus now, on top of everything else, it looks like I'm gonna be late to work
Why does this always happen?
Why does this always happen to me?
Why does this always happen?
(Why) Why does this always happen to me?
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba
Oh, the other day, my boss said we were running low on toner
And he told me I should buy another case
Well, I told him I was busy, but he still just kept on asking
So, I turned around and stabbed him in the face (right in the face)
Oh, and wouldn't you know it, my knife got stuck
I guess that's probably bound to happen now and then
But I'm afraid I may have bent the tip a little
And I know that blade will never ever be quite as sharp again (quite as sharp again)
Oh, tell me
Why does this always happen?
Why does this always happen to me?
Why does this always happen?
Why does this always happen to me?
Why does this always happen to me?
(Why does this always happen to me?)
Why does this always happen to me?
(Why does this always happen to me?)
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba
Hey girl, you know, our economy's in the toilet
But I'm still gonna treat you right
I said you can have whatever you like, if you like
I said you can have whatever you like, if you like
Yeah
Tater tots, Cold Duck on ice
And we can clip coupons all night
And baby you can have whatever you like, if you like
I said you can have whatever you like, if you like
Yeah
Take you out for dinner anywhere that you please
Like Burger King or Mickey D's
And baby you can have whatever you like, if you like
I said you can even have the large fries, large fries
Yeah
Baby, you should know I am really quite a sweet guy
When I buy you bathroom tissue, I always get the 2-ply
Want it, you can get it, my dear
I got my Costco membership card right here
Yeah you like Top Ramen? Need Top Ramen?
Got a cupboard full of 'em, I'll keep 'em comin'
You want it, I got it, go get it, just heat it
Dump the flavor packet on it and eat it
Pork and beans and Minute Rice
And we can play cribbage all night
And baby you can have whatever you like, if you like
I said you can have whatever you like, if you like
Yeah
I can take you to the Laundromat downtown
And watch all the clothes go 'round and 'round
And baby we can go wherever you like, if you like
I said we can go wherever you like, if you like
Yeah
Hottest shorty I know, if you had some lipo
You could be second runner-up Miss Ohio
Seven dollar bills rolled up inside my plastic billfold
Buy you a bagel even if it is a day old
And you never ever gotta wear your sister's old clothes
Long as I'm still assistant manager at Kinko's
Cut your hair with scissors and a soup bowl
You ain't gotta pay me, that's the way that I roll
My chick can have what she want
At Wal-Mart she can pick out anything she want
I know girl, you ain't never had a man like that
Who doesn't make you buy generic brand like that
Yeah you like my Hyundai? See my Hyundai?
I can take you to see your cousin Phil next Sunday
But that's kinda far and I'm not made of cash
Do you think you could chip in for gas?
Mac and cheese would be all right
But let's send out for pizza tonight
And you can order any toppings you like, if you like
I said you can even have the last slice, last slice
Yeah
Ran myself a cable from my neighbor next do', do'
Now I can get free HBO
And baby you can watch whatever you like, if you like
I said you can watch whatever you like, if you like
Yeah
And you can always ride the city bus
Got a stack of tokens just for us
Yo, my wallet's fat and full of ones
Yeah, it's all about the Washingtons, that's right
You want White Castle? Need White Castle?
Long as you got me it won't be no hassle
You want it, well get it, just don't be a hater
If I grab a bunch of napkins for later
Thrift store jeans, on sale half price
The underwear at Goodwill is nice
And baby you can have whatever you like, if you like
I said you can have whatever you like, if you like
Yeah
Baby I can give you anything you please
Even share my government cheese
And baby you can have as much as you like, if you like
I said you can go have as much as you like, if you like
Yeah
It feels like I've been alone too long,
With no girls around my mind
Was wondering.
Thinking of some way,
to release it.
I looked in the kitchen,
Saw some Crisco Oil,
And that's when my blood started to boil,
Ooooooh yeah.
Ow, Ow, Ow!
(Uh oh!)
Ow, ow, ow!
(Oh God! What did I just do?)
No one wanted to be with me,
Had to make my dream come true,
I wanted to hump something,
I didn't know what to do.
It seemed like a good idea,
And no one else was around,
I stuck my weenie in a bottle,
And now I can't get it out!
Stuck my weenie in a bottle today,
Gonna shove it up there all the way.
I stuck my weenie in a bottle,
Oh no,
Can, can, someone come help me out?
It's turning purple,
All the feelings gone,
Now where did I put that friggin' phone?
Dialing 9-1-1!
Please pick up!
I'm in a lot of pain!
This was supposed to feel good,
Now I'm suffering,
Oh, please answer!
Denver 911, what is your emergency?
Ow, Ow, ow!
Hello?
Ow, ow, ow!
Sir, what seems to be the problem?
No one wanted to be with me,
Had to make my dream come true,
I wanted to hump something,
I didn't know what to do.
Go on!
It seemed like a good idea,
And no one else was around,
I stuck my weenie in a bottle,
And now I can't get it out!
You stuck your weenie in a bottle,
Oh my!
You must feel really lonley, guy.
You stuck your weenie in a bottle,
That's a first!
Don't worry sir,
We're sending somebody out!
Hey Pam, this guy's got his weenie stuck in a bottle!
No way!
He does!
HAHAHAHAHA!
Wait, wait...
Sir, we're sending somebody out.
AHAHAHAHAHHAHAAH!
He's in here,
Let's break the door down!
They break the door down.
Oh my God!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
No one wanted to be with him,
Had to make his dream come true,
He wanted to hump something!
I didn't know what to do!
It seemed like a good idea,
And no one else was around,
He stuck his weenie in a bottle--
And now I can't get it out!
Ok kid, relax
We're going to get this thing off of ya!
OK, get ready,
PULL!
OWWWW!!
Stuck my weenie in a bottle today,
Faces filled with joy and cheer
What a magical time of year
Howdy Ho! It's Weasel Stomping Day
Put your Viking helmet on
Spread that mayonaisse on the lawn
Don't you know it's Weasel Stomping Day
All the little girls and boys
Love that wonderful crunching noise
You'll know what this day's about
When you stomp a weasel's guts right out
So, come along and have a laugh
Snap their weasely spines in half
Grap your boots and stomp your cares away
Hip hip hooray, it's Weasel Stomping Day
(Sounds of weasels getting stomped on, with bone-crunching and rodent-screeching effects)
People up and down the street
Crushing weasels beneath their feet
Why we do it, who can say?
But it's such a festive holiday
So let the stomping fun begin
Bash their weasely skulls right in
It's tradition, that makes it okay
Hey everyone, it's Weasel Stomping
We'll have some fun on Weasel Stomping
Put down your gun, it's Weasel Stomping Day
Hip Hip Hooray, it's Weasel Stomping Day
Weasel Stomping Day
I don't have a library card
But do you mind if I check you out?
I like your skeletal structure, baby
You're an ectomorph, no doubt
Your face is real symmetrical
And your nostils are so nice
I wish that I was cross-eyed, girl
So I could see you twice
Girl, you smell like Fritos
That's why I'm giving you this hungry stare
You're so hot, you're gonna melt
The elastic in my underwear
I'll bet you're magically delicious
Like a bowl of Lucky Charms
You'd look like Venus de Milo
If I just cut off your arms
What I'm tryin' to say is ...
I wanna be your lover, baby
I need somebody to love
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby
Now, I need somebody to love
Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo
Do you believe in love at first sight
Or should I walk by again?
My love for you'd like diarrhea
I just can't hold it in
Stop, drop and roll now
'Cause baby, you're on fire
I'll bet your outfit
Makes a lot of noise in the drier
You're absolutely perfect
Don't speak now, you might spoil it
Your eyes are even bluer
Than the water in my toilet
Say, has anyone ever told you
You've got Yugoslavian hands?
No, of course not, that would be stupid
Just forget I ever brought it up
The point I'm trying to make is ...
I wanna be your lover, baby
I need somebody to love
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby
Now, I need somebody to love
Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo
I wanna be your Krakatoa
Let my lava flow all over you
I wanna be your anaconda
And your heat-seeking missile too
I wanna be your beef burrito
Am I making this perfectly clear?
I wanna be your love torpedo
Are you picking up the subtle innuendo here?
Uh huh
I hope I'm not being forward
But do you mind if I chew on your butt?
You can tell me truthfully
Am I a steamin' hunk of love now, or what?
There just aren't enough o's in "smooth"
To desribe how smooth I am
Maybe you've seen my picture
It's in the dictionary under "Kablaam!"
My lips are registered weapons
Can I invade your personal space?
You must have fallen from heaven
That would explain how you messed up your face
Well, how'd you get through security?
'Cause, baby, you're the bomb
I'd like to take you home right now
So you can meet my mom
Because I ...
I wanna be your lover, baby
I need somebody to love
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby
Now, I need somebody to love
Girl, you must be Jamaican
Because Jamaican me crazy
Girl, you must be Jamaican (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
Because Jamaican me crazy (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
I wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
Now, I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
I wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
Now, I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
I wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
Now, I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
I wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
Put down your remote control
Throw out your TV Guide
Put away your jacket
There's no need to go outside
Don't you know that we control the horizontal
We control the verticle, too
We gonna make a couch potato out of you
That's what we gonna do now
Don't change the channel
Don't touch that dial
We got it all on UHF
Kick off your sneakers
Stick around for a while
We got it all on UHF
Don't worry 'bout your laundry
Forget about your job
Just crank up the volume
And yank off the knob
We got it all, we got it all, we got it all on UHF
Disconnect the phone and leave the dishes in the sink
You better put away your homework
Prime time ain't no time to think
All you do is make yourself a TV dinner
Press your face right up against the screen
We gonna show you thangs you ain't ever seen
If you know what I mean, now
Don't change the channel
Don't touch that dial
We got it all on UHF
Kick off your sneakers
Stick around for a while
We got it all on UHF
Don't worry 'bout your laundry
Forget about your job
Just crank up the volume
And yank off the knob
We got it all, we got it all, we got it all on UHF
You can watch us all day
You can watch us all night
You can watch us any time that you please
You can sit around and stare at the picture tube
'Till your brain turns into cottage cheese
Well, now
Don't change the channel
Don't touch that dial
We got it all on UHF
Kick off your sneakers
Stick around for a while
We got it all on UHF
Don't worry 'bout your laundry
Forget about your job
Just crank up the volume
And yank off the knob
We got it all, we got it all, we got it all on UHF
We got it all on UHF (UHF)
We got it all on UHF (UHF)
We got it all on UHF (UHF)
We got it all on UHF (we got it all)
We got it all on UHF (UHF)
We got it all on UHF (UHF)
We got it all on UHF (UHF)
We got it all on UHF (we got it all)
We got it all (we got it all) on UHF (we got it)
(We got it) we got (we got it) it all (we got it) on UHF (we got it all)
We got it all on UHF (we got it all)
We got it all on UHF (UHF)
We got it all (we got it all) on UHF (on UHF)
We got it all on UHF
We got it all on UHF (UHF)
We got it all (we got it all) on UHF (we go it)
We got it all on UHF
We got it all on UHF
We got it all on UHF
We got it all on UHF (UHF)
We got it all on UHF (UHF)
I'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a big ol' truck
Pedal to the metal, hope I don't run out of luck
Rollin' down the highway until the break of dawn
Drivin' a truck with my high heels on
My diesel rig is northward bound
It's time to put that hammer down
Just watchin' as the miles go flyin' by
I'm ridin' twenty tons of steel
But it's sure hard to hold the wheel
While I'm waiting for my nails to dry
Oh, I always gotta check my lipstick in that rear view mirror
And my pink angora sweater fits so tight
I'm jammin' gears and haulin' freight
Well, I sure hope my seams are straight
Lord, don't let my mascara run tonight
Because I'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a big ol' truck
Smokey's on my tail and my accelerator's stuck
Got these eighteen wheels-a-rollin' until the break of dawn
Drivin' a truck with my high heels on
Oh, I don't mind when my crotchless panties creep right up on me
And my nipple rings don't bother me too much
But when I hit those big speed bumps
My darling little rhinestone pumps
Keep slippin' off the mother-lovin' clutch
But still I'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a big ol' truck
Headin' down the interstate, just tryin' to make a buck
Wearin' feather boas with sequins and chiffon
While I'm drivin' a truck with my high heels on
I'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a truck
Got a load to carry and some eyebrows left to pluck
And I'm late for my appointment down at my hair salon
It's rotten
So rotten here
So rotten
It was like, the last day before trash day
My place was gettin' kinda nas-tay
Even though the garbage I knew would reek
(You know) Thought that I could leave it for one more week
Then, um, I'm takin'
Birthday cake 'n'
(Oh) Chili and greasy old bacon
Throw it all on top of the mess I been makin'
Wife's so mad, she starts to shakin'
Leaky bag, 'n' now that girl is gaggin'
She's naggin'
"I need you to get that stuff off the kitchen floor"
"Is that too much to ask for?"
But I see no reason why
Can't let a few more weeks go by
And now garbage is piled high
And buddy, you should see the flies
I said ...
There's somethin' rotten here (say what?)
You better hold your nose, oh (uh, uh, uh, uh)
(Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out)
Oh, boy there's a lot in here (a lot)
And every day it grows (uh, uh, uh, uh)
(Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out)
Make ya wanna throw up
Look at all this garbage I keep generatin'
(Come on) I sit around all day and watch it biodegradin'
Bet there's a hundred health codes that I'm violatin'
Even my dog passed out and needed resuscitatin'
You won't believe it, take a whiff of that aroma
Sure to put you in a coma
It's so messy, can't find my toenail clippers
It so bad the roaches wearin' slippers
Warm, sweaty clothes piled up in this joint
Stand up by themselves at this point
It's so filthy, now baby, I can't lie
I wipe my feet before I go outside
I wonder what crawled in there and died
(You know) Walkin' 'round barefoot, I'd be terrified
But it gives me stuff to talk about with my friends
Like, "Hey, I think them rats gettin' big!"
There's somethin' rotten here (say what?)
You better hold your nose, oh (uh, uh, uh, uh)
(Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out)
Oh, look what we got in here (now what?)
Let's watch it decompose (uh, uh, uh, uh)
(Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out)
Make ya wanna throw up
With a little bit a ***, and a little bit a ***
Make me wanna throw up
It makes ya wanna ***, just makes ya wanna ***
Some Lysol, some Comet
I got a mop and it's got your name on it
(What?) I'm just kiddin', doggone it
(Oh) Unless you gonna do it
Careful not to breathe the fumes
Check it, garbage piles are goin' all the way to the bathroom
Turn into toxic waste sometime this afternoon
Better get a Hazmat suit and a push broom
There's somethin' rotten here (say what?)
You better hold your nose, oh (uh, uh, uh, uh)
(Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out)
Oh, it's gone to pot in here (to pot)
Bring out the firehose (uh, uh, uh, uh)
(Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out)
Make ya wanna throw up
With a little bit a ***, and a little bit a ***
Make me wanna throw up
Give a little bit a ***, and a tiny bit a ***
Make ya wanna throw up
Mix a little bit a *** with a molecule a ***
Make me wanna throw up
It makes me wanna *** (aw, eww), just makes me wanna ***
You're sort of famous
a minor celebrity
and so it only makes sense
the world would be
obsessed with every
single thing you do
They're running 'round
with their camcorders in the night
they lurk impatienly
in hope that they just might
see something really embarrassing
you do
The bad hair day and sweat-stained t-shirts
that's the story that
they are gonna feature
with exclusive pics
of your flabby behind
you think you're all alone
but that's right when you'll find
A bunch of paparazzi
popping out of nowhere
cameras in your face
and then suddenly
you're on TMZ
you're on TMZ
Following you
when you're walking down the street
and asking stupid questions
while you're trying to eat
so you cover your face
thinking to yourself
"Hey, isn't this creepy?"
And they are there praying
you'll have a big meltdown
and take a mono-lethal car chase
through this whole town
they'll be there with you
when you're going to jail
first on the scene
for every wardrobe fail
You just picked up some transvestite
seconds later
it's up on the website
get a vegas wedding
a quickie divorce
and they'll be
sneaking in
snapping pictures, of course
And if they ever catch you
picking your nose
or storming down the street
in a drunken spree
you're on TMZ
Stalking you, just waiting by your front door
trailing you through
airport security
they were TMZ
they were TMZ
[We caught this oscar nominee picking up DOG POOP
is that a baby back there?
I pronounce you guilty, of leaving the house while FAT
Look Who's drinking COFFEE,
everything celebrities do is FASCINATING]
Oh, let me tell you
it's getting to the point
where a famous person can't
even get a D.U.I
or go on a racist rant
those guys are all around
so you really shouldn't dare
go to every club in town
if you just lost your underwear
Seems that every single time
a star decides to shave her hair
or ram their car into a tree
they're on TMZ
If they catch you peeing in the bushes
later on, that night
well, I guarantee
you're on TMZ
you're on TMZ
you're on TMZ
Every single celebrity
knows they're gonna be
I eat filet mignon seven times a day
My bathtub's filled with Perrier
What can I say
This is the life
I buy a dozen cars when I'm in the mood
I hire somebody to chew my food
I'm an upwardly mobile dude
This is the life
They say that money corrupts you
But I can't really tell
I got the whole world at my feet
And I think it's pretty swell
I got women lined up outside my door
They've been waitin' there since the week before
Who could ask for more
This is the life
You're dead for a real long time
You just can't prevent it
So if money can't buy happiness
I guess I'll have to rent it
Yeah, every day I make the front page news
No time to pay my dues
I got a million pairs of shoes
This is the life
I got a solid gold Cadillac
I make a fortune while I sleep
You can tell I'm a living legend
Not some ordinary creep
No way, I'm the boss, the big cheese
Yeah, I got this town on its knobby little knees
And I can do just what I please
This is the life
That's right, I'm the king, number one
I buy monographed Kleenex by the ton
I pay the bills, I call the shots
I grease the palms, I buy the yachts
One thing I can guarantee
The best things in life, they sure ain't free
It's such a thrill just to be me
This is the life
The white stuff, The white stuff
The first one was a sweet one
Second one was a blast
Soon I finished off the bag, ate 'em up real fast
You can see 'em in my teeth
Tell it when I talk
Had so many my pancreas just went into shock
I love the white stuff, baby
In the middle of an Oreo
I love the white stuff, baby
It's the most delicious thing I know
I've had a zillion or two
In my life, they're so right
My teeth are all rotted clear through
But who cares? What else am I supposed to do?
Oh OH OH-OH-Oh, Oh Oreo
Oh OH OH-OH-Oh, the white stuff
Oh OH OH-OH-Oh, Oh Oreo
What's in the middle? The white stuff
The first time that I tried it
Got a big sugar buzz
Nothing gets me high as that sandwhich cookie does
But I love the filling most
I rub it on my roast
Mix it in with my coffee and spread it on my toast
I love the white stuff, baby
In the middle of an Oreo
I love the white stuff, baby
Take some with me everywhere I go
Might get a pimple or two
Well, so what? It's all right
Now Twinkies and Ding Dongs won't do
All I need... You know what it is
Oh OH OH-OH-Oh, Oh Oreo
Oh OH OH-OH-Oh, the white stuff
Oh OH OH-OH-Oh, Oh Oreo
Oh OH OH-OH-Oh, the white stuff
Oh OH OH-OH-Oh, Oh Oreo
You did a really rotten thing
And let Scout take all the blame
You wrecked his reputation
And left that poor boy in shame
Yeah, but now I think it's time
To show who really did the crime
Kent Marlow, you're a dirty, lyin', worthless hunk of slime
Kent Marlow, you're a dirty, cheatin'
Lyin', no good, lousy, stinkin'
A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far away
Naboo was under an attack
And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn
Could talk the Federation in
To maybe cutting them a little slack
But their response, it didn't thrill us
They locked the doors and tried to kill us
We escaped from that gas
Then met Jar Jar in Boss Nass
We took a bongo from the scene
And we went to Theed to see the Queen
We all wound up on Tatooine
That's where we found this boy
Oh my my, this here Anakin guy
Maybe Vader someday later, now he's just a small fry
He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin', "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi, soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
Did you know this junkyard slave
Isn't even old enough to shave
But he can use the Force, they say
Ahh, do you see him hitting on the Queen?
Though he's just nine and she's fourteen
Yeah, he's probably gonna marry her someday
Well, I know he built C-3PO
And I've heard how fast his pod can go
And we were broke, it's true
So we made a wager or two
Ooh, he was a prepubescent flyin' ace
And the minute Jabba started off that race
Well, I knew who would win first place
Oh yes, it was our boy
We started singin', my my, this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later, now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin', "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi, soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
Now we finally got to Coruscant
The Jedi Council we knew would want
To see how good the boy could be
So we took him there and we told the tale
How his midi-chlorians were off the scale
And he might fulfill that prophecy
Oh, the Council was impressed, of course
Could he bring balance, to the force?
They interviewed the kid, all training, they forbid
Because Yoda sensed in him much fear
And Qui-Gon said, "Now listen here
Just stick it in your pointy ear, I still will teach this boy"
He was singin'," My my, this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later, now he's just a small fry"
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin', "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi, soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
We caught a ride back to Naboo
'Cause Queen Amigdala wanted to
I frankly would've liked to stay
We all fought in that epic war
And it wasn't long at all before
Little hotshot flew his plane and saved the day
And in the end some Gunguns died
Some ships blew up and some pilots fried
A lot of folks were croakin'
The battle droids were broken
And the Jedi I admire most
Met up with Darth Maul and now he's toast
Well, I'm still here and he's a ghost
I guess I'll train this boy
And I was singin', my my, this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later, now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin', "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi, soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
We were singin', "My my, this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later, now he's just a small fry"
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
"Who fixes plumbing problems in a flash?
Twenty four hours a day? Seven days a week?")
Baby, I sure wish I could lend you a hand
But plumbing's one thing I don't understand
It's true (Haven't got a clue)
B-b-b-baby, I can tell you've got a big problem
When I flush the john, then your shower goes on
(Baby) Now watcha gonna do?
If Drano's a joke and your plunger is broke
Baby, call the mensch with a monkey wrench
(Baby) He'll be there for you
Shower's backing up (up, up)?
Water won't go down (down, down)?
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Don't forget my plumber
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Sink's been stopped up all summer
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Better call the plumber
He'll know what to do
Pipes been blowing up
Pipes been breaking down
And the carpet's soaked... right through
Ba-ba ba ba ba, ba-ba ba ba ba ba
Ba-ba ba ba ba, kitchen's flooded, too
Ba-ba ba ba ba, ba-ba ba ba ba ba
Ba-ba ba ba ba, girl, you know it's true
B-b-b-betcha this guy makes more than my lawer
If he works for one day, costs you half a year's pay
(Baby) He can be here by 2:00
So if you've got cash, he'll be there in a flash
Makin' service calls in his overalls
(Baby) He'll do his best for you
Sewer's backing up (up, up)?
Got you feelin' down (down, down)?
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Don't forget my plumber
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Leaky pipes are a bummer
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Time to call the plumber
Maybe call a few
Got a problem with plumbing?
Gotta blame it on something
Blame it on the drain it was cloggin', cloggin'
Blame it on the faucet that drips all night
If hairballs, grease and goo
Won't let the water through
Blame it on the drain, yeah, yeah
When I flush the john, now when I flush the john
It turns your shower on
(Roto-Rooter 6-5000)
Ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Better call my plumber
He'll know what to do
Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye,
"Merry Christmas to all - now you're all gonna die!"
The night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddy Krueger
And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen
And he took a big bite and said, "It tastes just like chicken!"
The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can't hardly walk around the North Pole
Without steppin' in reindeer guts
There's the National Guard and the F.B.I.
There's a van from the Eyewitness News
And helicopters circlin' 'round in the sky
And the bullets are flyin', the body count's risin'
And everyone's dyin' to know, oh Santa, why?
My my my my my my
You used to be such a jolly guy
Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doin' time
In a federal prison for his infamous crime
Hey, little friend, now don't you cry no more tears
He'll be out with good behavior in 700 more years
But now Vixen's in therapy and Donner's still nervous
And the elves all got jobs working for the postal service
And they say Mrs. Clause, she's on the phone every night
With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights
They're talkin' bout - the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nicholas flipped
Broke his back for some milk and cookies
Sounds to me like he was tired of gettin' gypped
Wo, the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he's gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain
If I could stick my hand in my heart
Spill it all over the stage
Would it satisfy you
Would it slide on by you
Would you think the boy is strange
Ain't it stra-a-ange
If I could win
If I could sing
A love song so divine
Would it be enough for your cheating heart
If I broke down and cried
If I cri-i-ied
I said, "Ah no, It's only rock 'n' roll
But I like it
Ah no, it's only rock 'n' roll
But I like it, like it
Yes I do
I really really really really do do-do do do"
Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields
Sold in a market down in New Orleans
Scarred old slaver knows he's doin' all right
Hear they whip the women just around midnight
Brown sugar
How come you taste so good
Brown sugar
Just like a young girl should
I saw her today at the reception
A glass of wine in her hand
I knew she would make her connection
By her feet was a footloose man
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes
You might find
You get what you need
You need honkey tonk women
Gimme gimme gimme the honkey tonk blues
Under my thumb
The girl who once had me down
Under my thumb
The girl who once pushed me around
It's down to me
Yes it is
The way she talks when she's spoken to
Down to me
The change has come
She's under my thumb
So, goodbye ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you
When you change with every new day
Still, I'm gonna miss you
Who who who who who-who who who who who who-who who who who-who
Who who who who who-who who who who who who-who who who who-who
Please allow me to introdue myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste (woo woo)
I've been around for a long long year
So many a man sold a faith (woo woo)
Pleased to meet you (woo woo)
Hope you guessed (woo woo) my name (woo woo woo woo)
'Cause what's bothering you (woo woo)
Is the nature (woo woo) of my game (woo woo woo woo)
I said, "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!
Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!
Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!
Don't hang around because two's a crowd
Shay-do-bay(?), shatter, shay-do-bay(?), shatter
Laughter, joy, and lonliness
And sex and sex and sex and sex
Look at me
I'm in tatters
Shay-do-bay(?), I'm shattered
Shay-do-bay(?), shatter
This doesn't happen to me every day, oh my
Let's spend the night together
No excuses offered anyway, oh my
Let's spend the night together
I'll satisfy your every need (every need)
And I know you'll satisfy me
Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-my
Let's spend the night together
Now I need you more than ever
Let's spend the night together now
Ma-ma-ma-ma ma-ma-ma ma ma my
I can't get no
Satisfaction
I can't get no
Girlie action
'Cause I try (and I try) and I try (and I try)
And I try (and I try) and I try (and I try)
I can't get no
I can't get no
I can't get no
Satisfaction
Satisfaction
Satisfaction
Well, hey how ya doin' have a seat, have a drink
Boy it's good to see you, what can I say?
Oh, sorry gotta run we'll get together again
Say, what was your name anyway?
Well we're working on the problem, we'll get back to you soon
But don't try to call me I'll be in a meeting every afternoon
For a year maybe longer keep in touch
Thanks for dropping by and have a nice day
The check's in the mail, hey! You're beautiful
Don't ever change you know what I mean
My girl will call your girl we'll talk, we'll do lunch
Or leave a message on my machine
So baby won't you sign on the dotted line
I'm gonna make your dreams come true
The check's in the mail, would I lie to you?
Well hey wait a minute what's the matter hold on
You want me to fork over the loot?
You say you hate my guts you wanna take me to court
And you got yourself a lawyer with a three-piece suit?
Well I'm proud to say you're not the only critic of mine, yeah
So if you wanna sue me I'm afraid you're gonna have to wait in line
Take a number thanks for calling who loves you baby
Don't forget to read the fine print
The check's in the mail, hey! You're beautiful
Don't ever change you know what I mean
My girl will call your girl we'll talk, we'll do lunch
Or leave a message on my machine
So baby won't you sign on the dotted line
I'm gonna make your dreams come true
The check's in the mail, would I lie to you?
Oh, trust me!
The check's in the mail, hey! You're beautiful
Don't ever change you know what I mean
Why don't you leave a message with my girl
I'll have lunch with your machine
So baby won't you sign on the dotted line
I'm gonna make your dreams come true
The check's in the mail, would I lie to you?
Look
If you had
One shot
To sit on your lazy butt
And watch all the TV you ever wanted
Until your brain turned to mush
Would you go for it?
Or just let it slip?
Remote is ready
Eyes wide, palms are sweaty
There's Flintstones on the TV already
Wilma 'n' Betty
No virgin to channel surfin'
And I'm HD-ready
So I flip
Garbage is all I'm getting
There's Simon Cowell
Who folks wanna disembowel
He opens his mouth
Always says something foul
They're dyin', wow
Wannabes are crying now
He votes them out
Time to throw in the towel
Shows based on reality
Oh, the humanity!
Oh, Ozzy's family
Sho' loves profanity
Whoa, the insanity
Oh, dogs that crap and pee
Home of depravity?
No, they live happily
Plus "Da Ali G Show"
And "Celebrity Mole"
Oh, and there's Anna Nicole
Well, she's scaring me
"Look ma, no cavities"
Oh, it's a station break
Better go out to the kitchen and microwave something
"You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV" They told me, they'd scold me
But I'd still tune in every show (show)
My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Travel Channel, Discovery, and Lifetime (yo)
"You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV"
They told me, cajoled me, "Turn off those music videos" (no)
I'm gonna watch C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The History Channel and QVC and Lifetime (yo)
(You're gonna)
My butt is aching
As I watch NASCAR racing
That show about undertaking
Larry King
To "24" to "Law And Order"
The Weather Channel's boring like "60 Minutes"'s ancient reporters
Next up on "E! True Hollywood Story"
The rise and decline of twelve actors named Corey
Shows for next fall, they've already been namin'
"CSI: Boise" and "Touched By An Uncle" both sound pretty lame 'n'
So does "Everybody Tolerates Raymond"
And "King of Queens" jumped the shark the first minute
I can't believe Richard Simmons ain't in it
I'll move right on to "8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenaged Daughter"
Then I bet
I watch "The Bachelorette"
Followed by "Welcome Back, Kotter"
And "The Muppet Show" where they go 'Mahna Mahna'
"You're gonna lose your mind watching TV"
They told me, they'd scold me
But I'd still tune in every show (show)
My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Disney Channel and A&E; and Lifetime (yo)
"You're gonna lose your mind watching TV"
They told me, cajoled me
But I still love Lisa Kudrow (drow)
I'm looking at C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Playboy Channel and Court TV and Lifetime (yo)
(You're Gonna)
Never missed "Melrose Place" or "Lost In Space"
I've seen each "Amazing Race" and "Without A Trace"
But I only watched "Will And Grace" one time one day
Wish I hadn't 'cause TiVo now thinks I'm gay
Oh, and "Fear Factor" I watched maybe a half hour
After that, felt like I needed a long shower
Network execs with naked ambitions
"Next week on FOX, watch lions eat Christians"
Like to tie up those programming planners
Make 'em watch all of that junk 'til their heads explode just like "Scanners"
Leech-covered grub-eatin' fools on "Survivor"
Look there's James Lipton discussing the oeuvre of Mr. Rob Schneider
And there's "Gilligan" and "SpongeBob", plus there's "MacGyver"
And Jay Leno has got Madonna, hey there's Luke Perry on a
Special all Pig-Latin episode of "Drew Carey"
Wanna turn on "E.T." 'cause I'm a gossip freak
And I gotta know who J. Lo is marryin' this week
A 30 second spot
Then we come back to "Are You Hot?"
I was planning on recording "The Sopranos"
I forgot
I love shows with or without a plot
I'll stare 'til my legs are numb, my eyes bloodshot
Because I only have got
One brain to rot
I'm gonna spend my life watching television a lot
"You're gonna lose your mind watching TV"
They told me, they'd scold me
But I'd still tune in every show (show)
My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Sci-Fi Channel and AMC and Lifetime (yo)
"You're gonna lose your mind watching TV"
They told me, cajoled me, "Turn off that Oprah Winfrey show" (no)
I got it on C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Learning Channel and MTV and Lifetime (yo)
(You're gonna)
