Happy 4th & 5th of May! (with apologies to Marty Robbins)
The Ballad of Han Cholo
Out in the Tatooine town of Mos Eisley I fell in love with an Alderaan girl Nighttime would find me in Chalmun's Cantina Music would play and then Leia would whirl
Drinking cerveza in metal bikini Flimsy and shining with gold lame thread I had it bad for this Alderaan maiden Cinnamon buns on the side of her head
One night an ugly green Greedo came in Wild as the Tatooine wi-iiiiii-i-i-ind From out the county he sought a big bounty To take my girl Leia to Jabba the Hut
So in anger I challenged his right to the hand of this maiden Down went his hand to a blaster he wore My challenge was answered in less than a parsec The bug-eyed green stranger laid dead on the floor
Just for a moment I stood there and babbled Explaining to all just how Greedo shot first My trusty lowrider Millineum Falcon was idling outside, so I made a burst
Out of the front doors of Chalmun's I ran Out where my spaceship was par-arrr-ar-ar-arked It was a good one, it made the Kessel run In less than 12 parsecs, on unleaded quarks
So I told my hairy amigo named Chuy Tabasco Vamanos vato, let's hit the warp drive
Back on Tatooine my life would be worthess Well maybe a payday for old Boba Fett But my homey Lando says my Princess Leia Is captured by Vader on his Star of Death
I hit the star-brakes and did a u-turn Artoo he let out a squee-eee-ee-eal I hit the switches, look out you bitches I dropped the clutch and away I did peel
And at last here I am overlooking the Empire Death Star Fixin' to blow up a planet below But my love for Leia, it pushes me onward If only I could shut up C3PO
Off to my right I see ten TIE fighters Off to my left are at least twenty-four Skywalker blasts a few from his gun turret Don't get so cocky, kid, here come some more
Something is dreadfully wrong for I feel A tractor beam pulling us i-iiiii-i-i-in There stands Darth Vader with red-hot light saber Declaring us illegal space aliens
But my love for the Princess is strong and I whack a Storm Trooper and try to escape in a garbage chute door I see a white zap of light from his blaster I fall in a heap on the underlit floor
From out of nowhere, Leia has found me Kissing my cheek as she kneels by my side Cradled by two loving buns that I'd die for One final kiss and it's Carbonite time
Thanks again to all who participated in this year's edition of the Earth Week Cruise-In and for renewing my faith in the transformative healing power of internal combustion. And now comes the hardest part: winnowing the entries to determine who among you most deserves the crown of Grand Champion Carbonator.
What, you think I forgot? Rejoice citizen, it's time for the 8th Annual Iowahawk Earth Week Cruise-In - 7 days of peace, love, and carbon-belching horsepower straight from the garages of Iowahawk readers. Together we can combat climatechange and celebrate Mother Earth - the Ultimate MILF®!
Want your hoopty featured in the Cruise-In? Spiff it up for a glamour shot, and follow the entry rules below. Best bring your A-game though, because when it comes to carbon production, Iowahawk reader take a backseat to no one!
ENTRY RULES
Submit a photo or video of your hooptie (preferably as a link), along with a pithy description, to the email link on the left using the subject line "Cruise In".
Eligibility is open to fossil fuel-powered human conveyances (cars, motorcycles, boats, aircraft, spacecraft, etc.) and other devices at my discretion. E.g., an electric blender is not interesting; a blown Hemi-powered blender is.
Please submit only those vehicles you personally own, or have stolen. I know many of you have pics of other people's cars, but this exhibition is about taking personal responsibility for the environment.
If your vehicle was featured in last year's Cruise-In, please wait 'til next year to re-enter. Let's keep it fresh, people!
Submission deadline Sunday, April 28..
I'll be posting frequent updates all week, with newest entries on top. And, when the contest concludes, I will take each into consideration before crowning the 2013 Iowahawk Earth Week Grand Champion Carbonator.
Let The Carbonating Begin!
SUNDAY APRIL 28
Well, that'll have to do it for this year's installment of the Earth Week Cruise In. Many thanks to all who participated, and stay tuned for the naming of the 2013 Grand Champion Carbonator!
Where does he get all those wonderful toys? "Ferrari Bubba" has been a participant in every Earth Day Cruise In since #1, each time with a different Ferrari. This year, he brings two!
A few of my Ferraris that have yet to grace your website - a 612 Scaglietti F1 and a 550. The 550 is parked in front of Muscle Shoals Sound.
Thanks, Bubba! In appreciation for this fine entry, I give you the finest car song ever recorded in that old buiding:
Who says machines and nature can't live in harmony? Native Iowan "Sodbuster's Daughter" sends this beautiful bucolic Grant Wood-esque portrait of her Impala frolicking beneath the puffy clouds of Beldenville, Wisconsin:
This is a picture of our 1962 Impala SS. There is a long and fantastic story of how this car "came home" a couple of years ago, but for now (because time is short) I want to just show you an artistic view of this beauty. To me, the blue sky indicates that all is well with the earth, and perhaps the Creator even appreciates this human achievement. No smart car will ever become an iconic classic like this one, seriously.
Tom says his Packard is a work in progress. But I say why wait? Take it to the track and go racing:
Dear Mr. Burge, This is a photo of my 1930 Packard 733 running chassis. It is powered by a 320 ci, 90 hp straight eight. Once reunited with it's body, the entire car will weigh around 3 tons, and will get a carbon-comfortable 9 mpg. Everything on this chassis is restored original equipment, except the chair, which is from a different year. Oh, and the firewall, which is wood. Some interesting things to note: 1) The canister on the passenger's side of the firewall (partially hidden by the distributor) is a tank that uses vacuum to take gas from the fuel tank and then gravity feed it to the updraft carburetor. 2) The tank on the driver's side of the firewall is a Bijur lubrication system. It uses a dash pot and spring piston to distribute heavy oil to 27 different spots on the chassis that require lubrication. Thus there are only two grease fittings on the entire car.
School Earth Day? Joe Richardson say, hey, teacher! leave those kids alone!
12 total Liters with a combined 835 hp of Mother Earth warming mechanical love. 01 Mercedes Benz S600 LWB 400 hp 5.8L V12 with 46k Miles. 13 mpg around town if you're not in a hurry. 09 C6 Vette with 18K miles. K&N filter is only mod. Not real proud of that 16.4 mpg average, so I make sure to offset my carbon footprint deficit by regularly roasting those 285/35 ZR 19" Bridgestone's. Both are daily drivers.
Last week my kids elementary school told the kids to ask their parents to walk, ride a bike, blah blah blah to school to observe Earth Day. I honestly had a hard time picking which car to take him there in!
Carbon Is Not A Crime!
American cultural imperialism continues apace! Dominik from Down Under offers his righthand drive Caddy (with boastful vanity plates) as evidence:
Some Australians have adopted more Americana than just big macs. And like the kilojoule counter on the box (now mandatory in Oz) we wear our statistics with pride!
Dominik's countryman Bruce from Brisbane ups the ante with his thirsty thundercat:
True fans of Global Warming use 12 cylinders to assist in the eradication of fossil fuels. This cat gets 3mpg if driven vigorously and even has two tanks in a factory installed admission of Carbon friendliness.
In honor of all the fine entries from Australia this year, I'd like to offer this swell video shot by my buddy Piero DeLuca during his recent trip to Oz. If you want it on DVD, you can order here:
Why deal with a cramped little Porsche? Zoltan Newberry's Panamera sez 4 Doors No Waiting:
Just got this 2010 8 cylinder beauty - less than 23,000 miles. HAPPY EARTH DAY
WA Citarella's Skylark tweets a beautiful song to Gaia:
1965 Buick Skylark - Fireball V-6 with un-balanced firing under. Everyone smoked in '65, including the cars. Happy Earth Day. Bite me, Bloomberg!
FRIDAY APRIL 26
Just because I love machinery doesn't mean I don't appreciate natural wonders - like Linda Vaughn, Hurst's immortal Miss Golden Shifter:
And now, back to the vehicles!
Previous entries have featured Aussies and featured Mustangs, but now we have our first Aussie Mustang via Damo from the Clock:
Here is my 71 Mustang with carbon friendly 351 4V Ram Air shot near Mascot, Sydney, Australia.
Not many environmentalists understand where food comes from. It comes from trucks, like this one belonging to real life Nebraska farmer Troy Uden:
Nobody gets under the skin of Mother Earth like a Nebraska farmer does so this year I submit my 1994 Dodge 4x4 with the legendary Cummins Turbo Diesel engine. It wasn't digging deep enough (or long enough) ruts in the dirt so I had the engine turned up to 1,000 lb ft of torque at the crank, beefed up the transmission, put some new tires on it, and even glued on some shiny rust covers on the side. This thing is such a "Greenie" that the engine doesn't even make black clouds of smoke. I hope that won't get it kicked out of your party. Here is my truck's theme song.
Exciteable lad Steve "Big Balls" Abbott gets exclamatory about his beloved 2-wheeled ocean liner:
Now THIS is a middle finger to Mother Gaia! 1,834 CC's! 6 Cyl. Pumping pure Gaia tears as the throttle is opened to rocket this baby to 130 MPH! Hard cornering and sudden planned stops and burnouts both use precious rubber from Gaia's Rubber factory and sends blue heavenly vapors into the air! Comfort! Hell yes! If you are going to go out and besmirch the planet, why not do so in style and a look that all the Dames say "Hey Big Boy, want to give me a ride"… Then I flip up the visor on my Arai and they know that they have messed with a manly man and they buckle a little in the legs! Sorry Babe! This is about IowaHawk you ignorant Sl_t! Yea, it's a rice burner, but it's my rice burner and 100% American Made! So suck it Harley!
Ohioan Brian Borger shares his ginchy Poncho ragtop:
Dusky glamour shot of my 1968 Firebird. Not perfect yet, but getting better all the time. A lot of refined, dead-dinosaur fluid has flowed through the 4-barrel, the combustion by-products of which exit through a healthy set of headers and catalyticless dual exhaust pipes.
Eric Haverhill offers this tribute to Britain's V12 carbon-spewin', beer-smugglin' RAF flyboys of WW2:
Today’s modern day Neville Chamberlains concern themselves with battling global warming, organizing senseless Earth day rallies, denouncing violence, and composting their girlfriend. Yet, the brave gentlemen of the Greatest Generation had a far more pressing fight to concern themselves with: Defending their home land from invading Nazi’s. In her wisdom, Gaia recognized this injustice and donated some of her precious resources to build and fly these magnificent fighting Spitfires. Thanks to excellence of design combined with a little luck, it was found that beer kegs would bolt right into the place of the auxiliary fuel tanks. After delivering a right proper pummeling to the enemy, the pilots of these craft would return to their home land transporting barrels of carbonated barley goodness graciously donated by Gaia (and a few ungrateful Nazi Krauts) as rewards for their bravery. If they flew high enough and for adequate duration, the brew would be chilled plenty cold for the warriors for freedom and democracy to enjoy upon their return.
Tally Ho, Gentlemen! Citizens of the free world thank you for your brave service!
Now THAT'S what I'm talking about. When America was at its peak power, mighty land barges roamed the Earth - and Jason T has the land-bargiest of them all:
The 1959 Lincoln Continental Mark IV is 19' and nearly three tons of
American Steel. One of the largest and most expensive American cars
of its era, it was the pinnacle of domestic luxury. Getting at most
10MPG out of the venerable 430MEL engine when in perfect shape, my old
beater probably tops out at 4MPG. It's a long long way from its
former glory and while it kind of smells like a gutter, it's still
looking up at the stars...
Having grown up on an all-International Harvester farm, you can imagine my delight at this rustic entry from KC Sorenson in Old Blighty:
International Harvester B414 (The B stands for British) 43.5 horsepower diesel. Built around 1962. Runs great on red-dyed, high sulphur fuel. Room for 2, if one passenger is a grand daughter. Great for ripping up Mother Earth.
What do Iowahawk readers do when presented with a peppy compact? Stuff it with an all-aluminum V8, top it with a fleet of Webers, and go racin'. From my Chicagoland buddy Jim Fuerstenberg:
This is the MGB GT V8 race car owned by a friend and which I have been fortunate enough to race.
Californian "Juanito Cabrone" shares his hardluck pickemup truck "Smash-O" which has survived several eco-terrorist attacks:
Here's my 2005 F150 Supercrew with the 4.6 V8 delightfully handing out about 19MPG Highway and 14MPG city - This young lass attempted to park her Toyota in the back of my thirtsy half ton. Her Toyota left on the hook for the great scrapyard in the sky. My Ford's in the body shop being fitted with it's FIFTH bumper and set of fenders - since this was the fourth time I've been rear-ended in it in the past five years.
Wroarrr! Mark Eaton prefers the Mustang's FoMoCo stablemate:
My 1968 Mercury Cougar XR7-G. It was a special model advertised by Dan Gurney, and is one of 631 made. Ford J-code 302 under the hood. Manages about 18 miles a gallon on premium which is a miser compared to my first car – a 1968 Cougar with a 2 barrel 390 X-code. I was lucky to get 8 mpg back in the early 80s. But then again, gas was a buck a gallon.
My Iowa homeland homie Clarke Van Meter puts his carbon offerings in the service of Demon Alcohol:
My 1991 C1500 does its part at only 12mpg but I feel my inner Al Gore just a little bit when I fire up my brew kettle with enough output to heat a 8200 sq ft house. 220,000 BTU's and uses 'em all.
THURSDAY APRIL 25
A few have asked about progress on my '32 Ford 5-window, a/k/a the Coupe of Wrath. Here's a pic from this week showing the shiny altar wherein the sacrifice of fuel and fire will be made. All will be revealed soon.
Ahh, nothing like a wooded natural glen filled with wild horses. From Tarheel stater Larry Card:
This is my 2011 Mustang GT/CS convertible. I haven't done many mods yet, but with 412 stock HP it has all the power I need, capable of shredding Pirelli P-Zeros at the press of the loud pedal. She did 13.2 at the dragstrip with the top down and me at the wheel, I wonder what she's capable of with a halfway competent driver and the top up.
LANDSHARK! Henry from Virginia sez 454 cubes are not enough for his 'Vette:
Below is my testimonial to the objectives of Earth Day: A completed, four-year restoration of my 1972 454 (now 461) Corvette. Whereas the original got 13-15 mpg, my rebuild gets 15-18 mpg and produces not 350 hp at the crank, but 410 hp. In recognition of this throwback, power to the people production, my wife has agreed to take her bra off before entering the car and I've been asked to go commando.
My old Portland drinkin' buddy Steve Carlson offers up a couple of family keepsakes, with his mom performing modeling duties:
The '36 Ford was my Dad's first car, acquired in 1939. He pretty much did
everything to it (there was a garage across the street from his house). The
pic was taken in the summer of 1941 with my Mom---they had been married less
than a year. In six months, everything would change on December 7, 1941. Dad
had various rides during WWII, but his Lockheed P-38J Lighting with two
1,875HP Allison engines had the most raw horsepower.
During the war most of the chrome and other metal trim was removed from the
'36 for scrap metal drives, and the it was kind of sad-looking when they
traded it in for the "I8NY" 1948 Packard with the Straight Eight. The
Packard photo was taken on a road trip to Washington State's Olympic
Peninsula in 1949. I remember the Packard as we had it until the late
1950's, although it was replaced with a 1955 Chevy Bel Air with the 265
small-block V8 with the "Super Power Pack" option.
Ahoy there mateys! Seadog Greg Malarik say anchors aweigh and sets a course for eco adventure aboard his personal Gaia Love Boat:
My Global Warmer. '72 Hatteras Convertible. She has 2 giant diesels slurping down 30 gallons an hour and holds 12 gallons of oil between them, of which a lot makes it past the seals and into the fire. On cold mornings she makes enough smoke to kill every mosquito within 200 hundred yards. And a proven fish killer. EcoCarnage.
Cheesehead Vegas Nelson doesn't let a little snow keep him from climate activism:
Just because we are having the Winter-that-never-ends up in northern Wisconsin this year, that doesn't mean we are still hibernating. This little toy has been "spewing" global warming all Winter, and now that the plow's off we can really have some fun in the woods. More carbon, the lake still has 15" of ice on it 2 weeks from fishing opener! Spew, Spew SPEW!
Another impressive Aussie entry (big hat tip to my good mate Tim Blair) from Pat Heuvel of Lysterfield, Victoria. Pat explains how he's doing his part to keep the Southern Hemisphere warm:
While my ride doesn't suck through our fossil friends like that of Mr Wilcox, I do ride mine every working day 32km to and from work. And this baby just lurves the 98 octane juice... you're welcome, Gaia. Anything I can do to help.
Yes, it’s a pretend wanna-be, but it’s mypretend wanna-be, and the motor was built, plasti-gaged, and torqued-to-spec by me with the help of a couple of good friends and a surprisingly little loss of knuckle skin, and it’ll burn extra hydrocarbons (in the form of melted rubber) all the way through 2nd gear.
Well-heeled California environmentalist "T. Boddington Howell the 1st" sings the praises of recycling:
Attached is a photo of Mathilde, a 1971 Mercedes Benz 280SE 3.5 V8 coupe. She was liberated from a dysfunctional Chinese grad student at a very reasonable cost, and is in the process of a painstaking refit & refurb. Funny how those little bitty parts I thought were $9.95 turned out to be 89 Reichsmarks (36 Euros). Over and over and over.
The Germans have a sadistic tendency, but having had Mathilde restored to me I am now a good Earth Citizen having saved the planet from all of the extra carbon, steel, plastics, leather and lubricants that would have been necessary to build a replacement Hyundai. Doing one’s part is simply good form, you know.
Lovey and I would welcome you to cruise the Coast one summer evening as we swill martinis at some roadside café’.
Fred Boness shows that nothing adds to the beauty of a windswept seascape like a 4WD diesel:
This is one of five thousand Diesel Jeep Liberty SUVs built in 2005. It uses a Detroit Diesel Motori four cylinder, 2.8 liter, turbocharged Diesel that Jeep uses mostly in Europe where Diesel is more popular.
Newspaper columnist/Internet sensation Don Surber likes the wind to toussle his silver locks behind the wheel of his ragtop Mustang:
Sure my 2010 Mustang GT is only 300+ ponies and it gets 22 MPG -- but what it lacks in low-MPG it makes up in mileage. I drive it aimlessly for countless miles when the weather is sunny and bright and thanks to Global Warming, the number of Top Down Days is increasing. Win,Win. Best of all, I'm from Cleveland originally so I have a lower threshold for warmth. For example, it was 35 degrees when that photo was taken in Lewisburg, West Virginia, last November. (Proof: I'm wearing two shirts)
Mark from Brisbane is proud of his four-wheeled tribute to the Australian spirit:
Behold my magnificent white V8 Leyland P76! The type turns 40 this year. It’s quintessentially Australian. It is the only passenger car ever fully designed and built in Australia. It was about 15 years ahead of its time, pioneering many features now common in cars. And it was completely buggered up by lazy, greedy, retarded Australian unionists and godawful management. You can’t get more Australian than that.
It replaces my previous Leyland, which went (aiyoh!) the way of the Viking.
Martin Penn says 3 wheels are better than 2:
My Triumph Rocket III is the world's most powerful production motorcycle to date. She has a 2.3l engine and outputs 140bhp. The two-wheeler version weighs almost a third of a ton and manages around 30mpg. My trike conversion makes her even heavier and thirstier. I have also added lots of weighty, chrome-encrusted bits of motorcycle bling. I ride whenever weather permits (thanks to global warming the riding season is longer than ever!) and I just love her Gaia-wasting performance.
Amanda Bland's old man's Mustang is anything but a bland old man's car:
Put this on your blog!!
TUESDAY APRIL 23
I always wait in eager anticipation for the entries of Scott Wilcox, who has participated in every edition of the Earth Week Cruise. Once again, he does not disappoint:
I would like to submit my current ride for your consideration for the 2013 Earth Day Cruise In. Anything worth doing is worth overdoing and there is never enough horsepower. Therefore I hit the tracks with my 2012 Aprilia RSV4 Factory. Sucking down VP110 by the gallon while shredding Michelins by the trailer load it leaves black strips down Gaia’s backside exiting corners. When delivering it’s 200hp to the rear wheel the MILF just screams for more. Mother Earth has never been more satisfied. I’m proudly doing my part to defile the old women!
Shaken not stirred: my NY buddy (and Earth Day Cruise-In veteran) Charles Glasser blows the winter cobwebs from the pipes of his swanky '70 Jag E-Type in this inspiring video:
Mr. Glen is harboring Public Enemy #1 in his garage:
Here's my 2013 F150 SVT Raptor. 6000 pounds of dead-dinosaur-burning 6.2L V8 power and winner of the EPA's prestigious worst pickup truck for the planet award.
My Milwaukee buddy Bruce Rudy believes in using renewable locavore biofuels, so he built this eco-conscious injected alky-powered dragster:
Runs on alcohol so not much carbon to offer but here's 40 acres of corn burnt up.
Bruce, as it turns out, is also the new owner of my old beloved Coupe of Justice. To let you know it's in good hands, he sends this update pic of the ol' heap sporting some cute fender candy:
Sensitive artist Casey Craig explains this handsome sculpture:
Everything is bigger in Texas....especially the carbon footprint of my beloved 1969 Mach 1 Mustang.
Aussie Peter Munro rules the Outback in his FJ:
Here's my 4 litre FJ Cruiser, fitted with huge steel crash barrier thing called a "Bullbar" in Australia. Not only is it a bush bashing behemoth, totally useless for anything except tearing up Gaia's carefully tended gardens, it runs on Premium (95 Octane) fuel at a rate that would put a B-52 bomber to shame.
MONDAY APRIL 22
Canuck correspondent David McEwen shares a pic from his carbon-burning glory days:
My gradeschool/highschool/university buddy just sent me a picture of me on my 1972 Kawasaki S2 350cc 2-stroke, coming down from a launch wheelie, taken in about 1974. Encouraged by comments on Wattsupwiththat, here is the evidence. I still have the engine (S/N S2E27736) and other parts and know where the rest of her is (in a barn just out of town). I traded her in for her big sister, a 1974 H2 750cc with expansion chambers, K&N filters and multiple electronic upgrades. Happy to spew blue fog and keep the mosquitos down in Calgary, Alberta, Canada while giving the local tuners a quick history lesson.
Down in Tennessee, Jimmy Hogan made himself a Frankenstein Miatastang (build pics here):
Here's my 5.0l Fuel injected V8 Miata for your consideration. We really got in the spirit of 'Earth Day' with a little Red-Neck conservation -- by taking two cars destined for the scrap-yard and creating one awesome asphalt-eating, carbon-spewing beast! The Prius owners simply do not get my personalized tag.
Reader "John" owns the biggest environmental threat in Flint, Michigan (next to Michael Moore):
My 1954 Willys Utility Wagon. The original anemic 75 hp but torquey 115 ft-lbs Flathead 6 cylinder, has been replaced by an equally anemic Chevy 4.3l V-6. Helping burn Mother Nature's precious bodily fluids are the original 4.10 geared axles and it's aerodynamics reminicent of a brick. It is one of the greenest 4x4s I know of in its 80s GM metallic green.
Eastbound and down! Texan Emily Warner shows off the family ThunderChicken:
We have a 1974 Pontiac Trans Am SD 455 sitting in the garage. It's loud and gets about 2 mpg and burns through oil. I think my husband and I will take turns taking it to some of the more liberal Austin neighborhoods and burn rubber. We'll have to add the "STOP GLOBAL WHINING" bumper sticker to the back.
Holy Carroll Shelby: Like me (see below) Arizona's Michael Perkins drives a Ford. Except his GT500 King Cobra has 2x the horsepower of mine - in each and every one of its 8 cylinders:
I'll be taking this out & vigorously massaging the gas pedal. For the kids, of course.
I will kickoff this year's parade with the newest addition to the Iowahawk green fleet: the 1929 Ford Model A Roadster of Love. Unrestored original paint, canvas top, mechanical brakes, and determined lil' 40 hp flathead 4-banger capable of propelling it to breakneck 55 mph top speeds (well, okay, with a tail wind). And at 25 mpg, by far the most efficient 4-wheeled vehicle in my garage. The perfect hoopty for traveling America's gravel backroads, stealing pie from the windowsills of unsuspecting farm wives. Plus a rumble seat for bathtub gin and comely coeds! 23 Skiddoo!
At the Boston Marathon, someone set us up the bomb Backpack tax attacks, at least that's what they say Talking heads smelling Tea, live on MSNBC New York Times solving crimes, suspects the NRA Journalist, media, Google Wikipedia Experts, head hurts, CNN's a wreck In their guts, they see nuts, homegrown Boston Patriots APB for Tom Brady, hunt for Belichek
This was a one week cycle It started Monday And drug on to Sunday This was a one week cycle No I didn't need it But I tried to tweet it
This was a one week cycle It started Monday And drug on to Sunday This was a one week cycle No I didn't need it But I tried to tweet it
Shootout with a highjacked cahh, pahked across from Hahvad Yahd In a twist, with COEXIST upon its bumper sticker One down, one to go, sleeper cell rodeo Number two might be Hindu, the plot is getting thicker Terrorist on the loose, the Chechens have come home to roost Inconvenient time to be for immigration amnesty Beantown lockdown, Euro's in a meltdown Meanwhile in Watertown the whole thing is going down
This was a one week cycle It started Monday And drug on to Sunday This was a one week cycle No I didn't need it But I tried to tweet it
North Korea rattles sabers, reporters interview the neighbors Mommy says the boys were good, perhaps a bit misunderstood Dzhokhar, Smoker, Midnight Toker Apprehended by police, FBI chases geese First reports turned out wrong, nothing more here, move along It's very rude to conclude what has turned out to be true What is this shit? Looks like I picked A bad week to quit sniffing glue
This was a one week cycle It started Monday And drug on to Sunday This was a one week cycle No I didn't need it But I tried to tweet it
... from Austin, TX with these ginchy photos of the 12th annual Lone Star Round Up hot rod and custom extravaganza.
I'm also semi-back from my self imposed blogging exile, and plan to resume assaulting your sensibilities here at Iowahawk again soon. In the meantime, you can catch me on Twitter, Facebook, and my new perch at Breitbart's Conversation.
WASHINGTON DC - Engaged a relentless battle against time and fatigue, a select group of message scientists assembled by the White House's Center for Narrative Control say they will take "all steps necessary" to contain a recent outbreak of scrutonium, a deadly poll-eating supervirus that attacks the immuno-hope system, leaving victims vulnerable to material facts.
"Failure is simply not an option," said an exhausted Mission Chief David Axelrod. "If left unchecked, this virus may actually force us to move back to Chicago."
The recent re-infection of scrutonium into the body politic has been a harrowing turn of fortune for Axlerod and his scientific team. In November 2008, they had declared scrutonium "all but extinct," although they kept small amounts of the strain for use in laboratory experiments with Republican tax returns. It was thought to be in containment as recently as five weeks ago, with scientists citing poll results showing resistance to doses of unemployment previously considered fatal.
All that changed on September 12 after an unexpected outbreak in Benghazi, Libya. Although it caught Axlerod and his team by surprise, they were temporarily able to keep it under control with a regimen of YouTube blame therapy and gaffe-meme injections. But the new Benghazi strain proved stubbornly resistant, and has continued to slowly spread.
Amid their battle to contain the Benghazi strain, a second - and even more deadly - outbreak appeared in Denver on October 3. Nicknamed "the Doomsday Strain", the Denver scrutonium virus has thusfar been impervious to any attempt at containment.
"We're dealing with the ultimate buzzkiller here," said Senior Narrative Engineer Stephanie Cutter. "This one directly attacks voters' ability to hallucinate happy thoughts, or even ignore the obvious - no matter how many squirrels we innoculate them with."
Despite all-out efforts to contain the virus, by Friday daily internal gauge readings at CNC headquarters indicated a public opinion disaster was in the making. In order to buy time, Axlerod called on reserves from the 101st Media Narrative Squadron.
"With a virus this aggressive, you need boots on the ground to help fight any new outbreak and sterilize the area with distractions," said CNC jounalistic affairs liaison David Plouffe. "Luckily, the 101st is highly trained, unquestioningly loyal, and completely immune to all known post-2008 strains of scrutonium."
"That Mitt Romney sure seemed awful testy, didn't he?" said hazmat-suit clad Lt. Ben Smith of the 101st's Politico Company, sweeping the rubble of Denver for trace readings of scrutonium.
While Smith and others work around the clock to quarantine the virus, Axlerod and his team remain deep beneath the White House in a specially constructed containment laboratory, racing to find a cure before it has a chance to wipe out Washington as we know it. Although all their experiments have thusfar proven unsuccessful, Axlerod refuses to concede.
"If I've learned anything in this job, it's that hope is a strategy," he said, wiping flopsweat from his combover.
"For instance, maybe Joe Biden will find a cure Wednesday night," he added.
Special Iowahawk Guest Commentary By Barack Obama, Stargazer-in-Chief
When I learned of the untimely passing of Neil Armstrong I was, like all Americans, deeply moved and saddened. I share your sense of loss for this American hero, even if his fame had been eclipsed by others over the years. But in our shared moment of grief, let us also celebrate his historic accomplishment in becoming the first astronaut eulogized by me, Barack Obama, our nation's historic first African-American president.
Neil's passing gives all of us all pause to consider deeper questions. What does it mean for the future of space exploration? How proud would Neil have been to have a famous historic president refer to him by first name? And, most importantly, how did his death inspire that historic president to make ever more gigantic leaps for mankind?
For one thing, it inspired me to venture off on a historic twilight photo mission in a Maryland cabbage field. There I stood, gazing into the night sky, providing a dramatic backlit silhouette of inspiration for generations of future space explorers. In the centuries to come, space fans around the world will look to this indelible dorm poster image of Barack Obama, representing humankind's enduring pioneering spirit of exploration, and be spurred to dream their impossible dreams of Obama-like accomplishment.
As I stood looking into the night sky, at the billions upon billions of stars twinkling across their celestial field, amid the clicking of the photographer's shutter, I couldn't help but wonder if there were other life forms - perhaps other civilizations - out there. If so, were they looking back at us? Could they have powerful enough telescopes to see our planet in detail, and to observe the many ways I have worked tirelessly to make Earth a better place? Has my example served as an inspiration to the faraway aliens to work for their own extraterrestrial hope and change?
It was a moment that drove home to me just how significant I am in the grand scheme of things. As a result, I returned to the Oval Office with a renewed spirit to push the envelope, to strike out into the unknown, whether it be the vast expanses of space or the 2013 federal debt ceiling.
Yes, it is true that only a select few of us can ever aspire to be a Neil Armstrong or a Barack Obama. But I hope Neil and I have encouraged you to enrich yourselves from that vast, rich, empty blinking array of stars.
Which reminds me, I have another fundraising trip to George Clooney's house next week.
Wings and Wheels: vistas from the Hawkperch as we watched the Blue Angels and other attractions at the Chicago Air and Water Show yesterday. Plus bonus photos of Cruise Night at Buffo's!
Ahh... a leisurely weekend taking in Auto Historica XII in Highland Park IL, followed by the 64th annual AACA Antique Car Show in Lake Forest IL, followed a jaunt out to the nuclear cooling towers of Byron, IL for the 3rd Annual Meltdown Drags at Byron Dragway. America's best drag strip named for a 19th century poet!
1 In the beginning Govt created the heavens and the earth. 2 Now the economy was formless and void, darkness was over the surface of the ATMs, and the Spirit of Govt was hovering over the land.
3 And Govt said, “Let there be spending,” and there was spending. 4 Govt saw that the spending was good, and that it separated the light from the darkness. 5 Govt called the spending Investments, and this he did in the first day.
6 Then Govt said, “Let there be roads and bridges across the waters, and let dams divide the waters from the waters.” 7 Thus Govt made the infrastructure and the patronage jobs for eternity under the firmament from the Potomac which was above the firmament; and it was so. 8 And Govt called the firmament Washington. This Govt did on the second day.
9 Then Govt said, “Let the regulations and the guidlines under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let the Bureaus appear”; and it was so. 10 And Govt called the Bureaus demigovts, and the gathering together of them He called AFSCME. And Govt saw that it was good.
11 Then Govt said, “Let there be police, and firefighters, and teachers according to their kind, for they will create more jobs”; and it was so. 12 And then Govt bade the void bring forth crime, and arson, and stupidity, that each would yield seed to bring forth more police, and firefighters, and teachers, and jobs. And Govt saw that it was good. 13 So the evening and the morning were the third day.
14 On the fourth day Govt said, “Let Us make the economy in Our image, according to Our likeness; let it have dominion over the cars of the road, over the appliances of the supercenters, and over the pet groomers of the strip malls, over all the clickthroughs of Amazon and over every creepy thing of the Dollar Stores.” 15 So Govt created the economy in His own image; services and wholesale and retail He created them. 16 Then Govt blessed them, and Govt said to them, “Be fruitful and use the multiplier effect; fill the land with jobs; thou have dominion over thy realm, within limits, as long and thou remember to get thy permits and tithe thy taxes, for they are good. Hope to see you at the fundraiser.”
17And on the fifth day Govt made an official Govt holiday, and headed off for a 3-day golf weekend at Camp David. But first Govt said to the economy, "you are free to eat from any tree in the garden, except the tree of Knowledge. There is a serpent in that thing, and thy health care does not cover it."
18 So when Govt was on vay-cay the economy set about the garden, plowing its fields and generating revenue for the glory of Govt. They obeyed the regulations and were not ashamed.
19 Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the balanced, publicly-funded birds the Lord Govt had made to sing news to the economy. The serpent was on the AM band. He said to the retail sector, “Did Govt really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’? ”
20 "Only yours, serpent," said the retail sector.
21 “Don't be a wuss,” the serpent said to the retail sector. 22 “For Govt knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will wise to Govt's scam.”
23 When she saw that the fruit was pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, and also free to download, she took some and ate it. She emailed a copy to her wholesaler, and he ate it; and then the wholesaler to the manufacturer, and he to the servicer. 24 Then the eyes of all of them were opened, and they realized they were being taxed naked; so they outsourced fig leaves to make coverings for themselves.
25 Then the economy heard the sound of the Lord Govt returning from vay-cay with the demigovts Osha and Tarp and Irs. It was the cool of the day, and they were hiding their profits from the Lord Govt among the trees of the garden. 26 But the Lord Govt called to the manufacturer, “Where are you?”
26 He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid, so I sought a tax shelter.”
27 And Govt said, “Who told you that your profits were yours? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from? ”
28 The man said, “The retailer made me —she has a thing for serpents.”
29 Then the Lord Govt said to the retailer, “What is this you have done?”
30 And she said to the Lord Govt, “Don't take that tone with me, fat boy. And why should I give you my profits?”
31 The Lord Govt was in wrath, and said, “For I am the Lord Govt, creator of Eden! 32 I gave unto you the roads and bridges, and schools and cops, brought unto you of gentle showers of Tarp and Stimulus and rivers of Subsidy, I am the purifier of the waters, cleanser of the air, without which you and your profits would not exist. Thus all that thou have created is created by Us. Thus ye shall render unto Govt what is Govt's, and this is the Word of your Lord.”
33 At these words, Solydra and Gm and Seiu and all the Cronyans and Laborites dropped to their knees in trembling fear and supplicated themselves before the Lord, presenting Him golden gifts of contributions.
34 Then the retailer said to Govt, “And who created you?”
35 In righteous anger did the Lord Govt again rise up and said, “I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Tri-Delts and the Dekes, I am and have always been! I am the great cosmic turtle on which you and the entire economy rest.”
36 "And on whom do you rest, turtle?" said the retailer in blasheme.
37 "Do not mock me with your knowledge trickery, harlot!" said the Lord Govt. "I am turtles all the way down."
38 So the Lord Govt said to the serpent, “Because you have done this,
“Cursed are you above all livestock and all wild animals! You will crawl on your belly and you will eat dust all the days of your life. 39 And I will keep you from tenure and grants and the airwaves, and condemn you to the bowels of internet."
40 Then the Lord Govt turned the retailer and the manufacturer and the wholesaler and all the servicers, and said,
“I will make your taxes and regulations very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to profit. You shall be afflicted with plagues of audits, the coming of Osha, and the trials of Irs. By the sweat of thy brow you will earn thy living until you return it to Me. You will suffer the droughts of subsidy and stimulus, and will thirst forever. You're welcome."
41 And so the Lord Govt banished the economy from paradise, and bade them go outsource to the Far East of Eden. And as the chastened economy slouched out of of Babylon He said unto them,
The Economist "David Burge at Iowahawk, I think quite accurately captures the flavour of the original's description of Julia's political alternatives, whatever you think of his politics."
PoliPundit "nobody – and I mean nobody, in the confines of Al Gore’s greatest invention, the Internet, can slice, dice and julienne a huge chunk of pure snark into so many little jagged pieces like he can"
Het Vrije Volk (Netherlands) "Laat de rijken de crisis betalen, zegt de SP. Let's eat de rich, zegt Michael Moore. Hoe ver komen we daarmee? Iowahawk rekende het uit."
Ça M'Intéresse (France) "La pièce fait partie d’un lot d’anciens outils de ferme tous plus étranges et biscornus les uns que les autres à voir ici."
Charles Murray, The American Enterprise Institute "Out of nowhere—at least I’d never heard of him—comes a posting by one David Burge on his blog, Iowahawk, in which he tore Krugman’s numbers apart. I don’t mean he found some soft spots. I’m talking evisceration. The post has been flying around cyberspace and has a attracted a lot of flak to which Burge has now responded. I recommend both posts as tours de force on two levels. First, they are saturated with the best kind of Internet irreverence and humor—sophomoric occasionally, lmao funny more often. Second, the guy is a hell of an applied statistician. It’s wonderful: Paul Krugman’s got his mile-high New York Times platform, Burge has an obscure blog. And yet, in the world of the Internet, he can take Krugman down and end up letting a whole lot of people know he’s done it."
Hugh Hewitt "For a lesson on how to argue a complex case in the face of MSM stupidity and/or bias --answer with facts, repittion and careful writing laced with laughs-- read the tutorial prepared by Iowahawk... This is how it is done. Airlift Iowahawk to the Speaker's office."
Jose Guardia, Barcepundit "Lectura del día, pero aseguraos de que no estás bebiendo nada mientras lo leéis: vuestra pantalla correría peligro de salpicaduras..."
Neo-Neocon "What the rest of us drone on about seriously and far more tediously, Iowahawk skewers with wit"
The Lunatic's Asylum "IowaHawk is God. If you're STILL not reading IowaHawk regularly, then you, Sir or Madame, are a dipshit. One that should be taken out and sterilized with the rustiest of farm implements, so that you may not pollute the gene pool with future generations of little dipshits."
Rick Moran, The American Thinker "Outside of P.J. O'Rourke, I can't think of another conservative satirist who so consistently hits the mark than Iowahawk"
Tim Blair, Sydney Daily Telegraph (Australia) "Iowahawk’s powers led him to predict events that nobody expected. He’s like Nostradamus, except with the added powers of a police ankle monitor. "
Cripes Suzette "the most brilliant thing I’ve ever seen."
Dagelijkse Standaard (Netherlands) "Ik geloof niet dat we op deze site al eens aandacht hebben besteedt aan het werk van David Burge, beter bekend als de Iowahawk. Deze geniale satirist steekt op internet inmiddels al bijna zeven jaar de draak met alles wat links is (en ook heel wat dat zichzelf rechts noemt maar die naam eigenlijk niet waardig is). Voor wie hem nog niet kent: spoedt u naar http://iowahawk.typepad.com! Voor stukken als dat van vandaag hebben ze de term ROFLMAO uitgevonden"
Charles Crawford (UK) "put on your safety belt and a pair of Pampers nappies to deal with the ensuing, hem, seepage as you read this one, which can lay claim to being the funniest thing ever written"
Bookworm Room "Every time I read one of Iowahawk’s satires, I think to myself, 'This is it. He cannot get better than this.' And every time I am wrong, as Iowahawk, over and over, publishes something new that is even funnier than his last outing... In a perfect world, Iowahawk would be one of the most recognized comic satirists in America."
Libertiamo (Italy) "In un articolo scientifico Mann ricostruì (con un metodo spiegato in dettaglio qui) le temperature globali degli ultimi mille anni"
Atomic Nerds "My opinion of the relevant issue at hand doesn’t align with [Iowahawk], but the parody was so spot-on perfect that I actually got the theme music and visual montages in my head"
Chicago Boyz "Fox reports -- but not nearly as well as Iowahawk"
The Borderline Sociopathic Blog for Boys "Our Honorary Borderline Sociopathic Boy of the day is Iowahawk. He's got the right idea. Make things. Go fast. Make things go fast. "
Scott Johnson, Powerline "distinguished career... Surely there must be a Pulitzer Prize of some kind in this for Iowahawk's important contribution"
Stipistop (Hungary) "Az ugrás után igazi műremekeket találtok. Nem ecset és vászon, sem agyag, hanem colos csavarok, perforált lemez és knockoff kerékanyák. Hmmm…"
Bang Shift "Great car photos... fantastic commentary"
Too Old To Work "I can't fathom where he gets his ideas from, unless it's a deeply disturbed mind."
John Hinderaker, Powerline "Funniest thing I've ever read on the web? It might be. It also is the most incisive commentary on the 'Skip' Gates affair that I've seen"
Charles Johnson, Little Green Footballs "Iowahawk could be the redheaded stepchild of Ursula K. Le Guin and Arthur C. Clarke, with P. J. O'Rourke hanging around looking guilty"
Small Dead Animals (Canada) "When the written word alone can make one laugh so hard that one has to leave the room to catch one's breath: I think that's notable."
John Podhoretz, Commentary Magazine "this latest posting by Iowahawk is, truly, one of the sharpest pieces of political satire written in the English language in ages"
Elder of Ziyon (Israel) "brilliant... the most biting, trenchant and witty criticism of the current administration imaginable"
Swedish Superstock Association (Sweden) "Alla racers har nångång funderat på det....speciellt när vädret ibland är som det är..eller man tycker vintern är för alldeles lång..men att detta redan har prövats i dragracingens barndom är ju förståss "självklart" så att säga!"
Bookwork Room "Iowahawk is always funny, but sometimes his brilliance is so extraordinary you almost feel like looking away. This is humor that hurts."
Fausta Wertz "the dance floor started to open and exposed a vast deep pool filled with man-eating sharks. The crowd panicked as a couple fell into the waters and the sharks feasted on them. Without missing a step or loosening his embrace, he led me to the entrance and with a swift move managed to both hit the switch that closed the shark pit and concluded the final dance step. He then said, 'It’s late. I must go tend to my blog.'"
Dan Collins, Protein Wisdom "He is Iowahawk of Typepad
Master of the sparkling send-up
When he posts, then douchebags tremble
Realizing they’ve been skewered
And with no recourse to match him:
Mighty Burge, the Iowahawk”
Amused Cynic "perhaps the best-written, cleverest “F*** You” salute that I have ever seen administered ... I am hereby delivering a James Thurber salute to you, Dave, and popping the top on a 16 oz. can of PBR in your direction"
Bella Gerens (UK) "Every time I read Iowahawk, I laugh like a fucking drain... If he writes another one of these, I won’t have any kidneys left to burst"
Autumn People "Bow before the master... truly, truly fantastic work"
The Nightfly "a muse of fire to ascend the very heaven of invention... We all may as well retire from blogging right now"
Daily Kos "The wickedly funny right-wing parodist"
Quick Hitts "Far too many conservative writers come across as stupid and/or bitter and/or pompous and worst of all, humorless. It’s refreshing to to find one who is smart and funny, like Iowahawk"
Daniel Ruwe, Right Minds "The funniest person on the Internet. Every one of his posts makes me laugh out loud. Literally incredibly funny. You have to experience him to appreciate him"
Elizabeth Crum "For an idea of what I find brilliant and loveable in terms of sarcasm, satire and the like, see Iowahawk. He is one of our great modern-day scribes: smart, scathing, derisive, outrageous, and funny like few can be"
Jesse Macbeth "I'd like to take the time to address some of the stuff that I read on the Internet written about me... I got to tell you some of the stuff I saw was really funny. One of my favorites ones was actually the Power Rangers one, that was kind of cool."
Jools Krittindan "Then there’s Iowahawk. I don’t even know what he does for a living, something in Iowa, I guess. Yeah, society would function fine without him. It would just suck more. He gets an estate all his own: Iowahawk, the Sixth Estate."
Feed Your ADHD "spending 5 minutes on Iowahawk’s site today…and then a few more hours this evening, I am…simply…changed. His site is the funniest thing I have ever read"
Cherry River Blog "Yes, this is a crude attempt to gain entrance to IH's hallowed blogroll, and maybe even a blurb-out listing, but I still stand in awe of the capaciousness of mind that Mr. Burge has demonstrated to a barely worthy Web world"
Michelle Malkin "the most superlative satire in the blogosphere"
Tammy Bruce, KABC Los Angeles "I am tempted to get my iPhone and show my fellow islanders this link from Iowahawk proving their silly, mindless cult-like foolishness."
Slate's The Fray: comments "As much as I hate to admit it, the guy is funny. He'd be funnier if he agreed with me"
Jules Crittenden "I have received no remuneration or consideration of any kind for this shameless fawning boosterism and free advertising. Nor do I require any. To have been in some small way associated with the global Iowahawk phenomenon is more than most of us can aspire to in our miserable, inconsequential little lives. To bask in its electronic glow is to sense the existence of immortality."
Hot Flashes "The man I’d most likely invite to my bedroom in another life"
Jim Henshaw "Neo-cons may not be as humorless as I thought, as this essay from Conservative blogger Iowahawk will attest. Even if you hate his politics, this is funny stuff"
Dave Bender, Israel at Level Ground (Israel) "Iowahawk is in the side of the wrong business, not to mention residing on the wrong landmass; he needs to get over here quick and start pumping out copy for the major news agencies"
Daily Pundit "Probably the best writer of satire on the web"
Jules Crittendon, Boston Herald "Iowahawk’s wild, unkempt observations may look like they’ve spent the last three days sleeping under a bridge, and be frightening and smelly up close, but they are conduits of fundamental, irrefutable truth. Much like the drunk who accosts you on a streetcorner and unabashedly proclaims, 'I need money for a bottle of Cossack.'"
Twisted Spinster "Iowahawk sticks the knife in so nicely that you don’t even feel it until everything starts to go dark and fuzzy"
Bill Whittle, National Review "My friend Iowahawk writes some of the most brilliant satire I have ever read. He likes to come across as a beer-swilling gearhead — because he is — but look at this ... simply so that I may bask in its reflected glory"
Rush Limbaugh "I've gotta share with you one of the funniest things I have ever read. It is by the blogger Iowahawk. It is one of the sharpest, most cutting, brilliant satires on these pseudo-intellectual conservatives... I've heard of Iowahawk. I don't know what his leanings are, probably lib, I don't know, doesn't matter. This whole thing is just wonderful, it is just hilarious."
Jim-Rose.com "When someone uses the word 'genius,' who comes to mind? Einstein? Newton? Mozart? Rip Taylor? All great choices, but for me, the first name that pops into my head is Iowahawk"
Doubleplusundead "Brutal... the only way to describe Iowahawk's epic dismantling"
Neocon Blonde "brilliant... Voici, dans tout sa gloire"
Quid Nimis "I think the reason I don't do Iowa Hawk everyday is the same reason I don't eat ice cream everyday: it's too good. That and the fact that I would have to leave my husband and stalk Dave Burge"
Letters from Glome "funny, profane, funny, and witty. Did I mention funny? His mockery of the system, politics and flapdoodlery is dead on hilarious. A master"
Physics Geek "I am truly in awe of what Iowahawk manages to do on a regular basis. If Mother Jones syndicated his column, I would subscribe to the commie pinko rag, just to get my fix"
'Something Awful' Forum Posters "wanna ice axe that blogger"
"i would like to point out that this really sucks and whoever wrote this should be strangled to death"
Tim Blair, Sydney Telegraph (Australia) "As Sandy Roberts says: 'When you think of Bhutan, you think of archery.' And when you think of Vettes, Ferraris and Hemi-powered rods, you think of Iowahawk and his LA-bound nitroclan"
Gudmundson (Sweden) "Glimrande elaka Jenny Westerstrand kanske aspirerar på att bli en ny Iowahawk, vad vet jag. Bra satir är det hur som helst för lite av i bloggosfären"
Jules Crittendon "as usual Iowahawk’s unrelenting, merciless and cruel mockery [is] clear evidence that even at this late date, the old gods yet walk among us and would toy with us"
Physics Geek "Good thing that Iowahawk exists: otherwise, we'd have to invent him"
Jeff Goldstein, Protein Wisdom "Funny? This dude wouldn't know funny if it sidled up next to him at a barn razing and stuck it's nipple in his ear.
"-- But that doesn't mean he isn't earnest..."
Kilátás a karosszékből (Hungary) A sikerhez viszont az is kell, hogy David H. Petraeus tábornokot egy megfelelő stylistcsapat vegye a szárnyai alá, mert ahogy kinézett a kongresszusi meghallgatáson, az valami rettenetes – szól Matthew DeBord megsemmisítő ítélete. Én zokogtam...
Joseph Bottum, First Things "I’m on the board of a literary magazine at a small state university, and, at the board’s meeting this spring, the editor mentioned that he had wanted to reprint the blogger Iowahawk’s hilarious swipe at the archbishop of Canterbury... Unfortunately, the editor said, the magazine couldn’t do reprint it. The legal adviser from the university’s administration had said no—not on the grounds that it was offensive to Anglicans and their archbishop, but on the grounds that it mentioned Islam, and the school could receive bomb threats as a result of publishing it."
Dr. Melissa Clouthier "Did I mention that I love Iowahawk? Because I do. He's such a manly blogger and I'd like to meet him because he' funny and has a rotten streak. I like men with a rotten streak."
Amused Cynic "...should be put in the National Archives next to the Declaration of Independence in the special nuclear bomb-proof case... Funniest thing I’ve ever read"
Peter Breedveld, Frontaal Naakt (Netherlands) "Speciaal voor de aartsbisschop van Canterbury deze geheel vernieuwde politiekincorrecte versie van de Canterbury Tales van de Amerikaanse blogger Iowahawk. Vooral de fraaie strofe 'everybody muste get stoned' zal de eerwaarde sharia-supporter uit het hart gegrepen zijn"
Lone Star Times "Only a hotrod fanatic from the cornfields of Iowa could concoct such a literary masterpiece"
Document.no (Norway) "Som alltid leverer Iowahawk varene, denne gangen i form av en oppgradering av Chaucer i anledning erkebiskop Rowan Williams' sharia-uttalelser. Dette må være det morsomste som hittil er publisert i blogosfæren"
Zürcher Presseverein (Switzerland) "Dies eine Schlagzeile der US-Stiftung «Media Violence Project». Die Journalisten die hinter diesem Projekt stehen, möchten die amerikanische Öffentlichkeit aufrütteln und die Massen bezüglich Gewalt gegen Journalistinnen und Journalisten sensibilisieren. Hier findet man diverse Plakate und Sujets der Stiftung."
Lone Star Times "Between cleaning carburetors and restoring classic American cars, Burge churns out some of the funniest and decisively deadly wit and commentary on the web... Write the Pulitzer Committee and demand Iowahawk should win"
Roger Kimball, Pajamas Media "inspired … I was going to say 'parody,' but really it is far too close to the original to be called a parody. Really, it is like the play Hamlet stages to 'catch the conscience of the King,' a dramatic re-enactment of the very crime Claudius had committed but had yet to acknowledge. It worked for Hamlet; will Iowahawk’s performance work for the rest of us? It is too early to tell. But ... it is more truthful, and far more amusing, than anything you’ll read in the [New York] Times."
Paul Kedrosky, Infectious Greed "I really don't know how best to summarize IowaHawk's you-are-there white-trash treatise... If you crossed Hunter Thompson and Michael Lewis, you might get something this angry and bizarre"
The McMuffins (UK) "Iowahawk and his lovely wife... did not appear to be the psychopathic stalking killers we had been warned about, although that Iowahawk did have a murderous look in his eyes and an unusual amount of froth coming from his mouth"
chasovschik "Iowahawk представляет впечатляющую коллекцию антикварных сельскохозяйственных приборов"
The Sophistry "One of the best writers in the world."
בצל טוב (Good Onion - Israel) אמנם היה קיץ והזרימה חלשה יותר, וגם ההצקות של זבובוני החול זה לא משהו שאפשר להתעלם ממנו, אבל באמת היה סיור יפה (הרבה מחיאות כפיים, צעיר ערבי שהכרתי וגו’).
Karl Maher "Dave Burge can read the terrorists' minds!"
Instapundit "Iowahawk for President: he's got my vote!"
Hugh Hewitt "2008's Christopher Walken... bad news"
House of Dumb "Fortunately, there's always Iowahawk to give us that 'last cigarette in front of the firing squad' feeling"
Procurando Vagas "Todo ano o site Iowahawk promove um concurso bem diferente, o Miss Presidiária, onde você escolhe a condenada mais bonita dos EUA do ano... Mais vamos ajudar a patricinha e dar uma força, porque ela merece"
Panikowsky "А вот сатирическая издевка по мотивам..."
Balagan "Le blog américain Iowahawk, qui traite l'actualité par la dérision, a transposé les évènements du Moyen Orient dans le Midwest américain en jouant sur le fait que Mideast veut dire Moyen Orient"
Little Miss Attila "Iowahawk's the kind of guy you'd want to run into in that alternate universe. You know: the one in which no one is married, and the bars stay open all night"
Blacklake (Hot Air Comments) "I’d say Iowahawk was a genius, but geniuses aren’t generally very clever. Plus, studies have shown that nine out of ten have no idea how to clean a carb. So, statistically speaking, his geniushood is unlikely."
Gerard Van der Leun (Pajamas Media) "The Master of Disaster... Where else on the web can you channel-surf the spirits of Mark Twain and Big Daddy Roth on the same page?"
Right Wing Bob "Iowahawk remains probably the most versatile purveyor of America - boosting depravity on the scene today"
Daily Kos commentors "The new McCarthyism... F***ing pr***. Now go cry to momma" ... “just punch the stupid f***er out"..."shut [his] f***ing mouth while I'm pummelling him"..."me & my brick in a dark alley"... "sharpen your knives"... "“maybe [he] will consider the possibility of getting a shot in the teeth”
Dr. Melissa Clouthier "Most bloggers would lose a bar room brawl. There are exceptions."
Rand Simberg (Transterrestrial Musings) "Next time Iowahawk beats up on you, just take it. If you try to fight back, it only gets worse. It's like one of those monsters that, the harder you fight it, the stronger it gets, because it actually feeds on your pathetic swats."
Blog Québécois "If Iowahawk ever decides to turn his guns on you, accept your beating with good grace and a rueful chuckle. If you try to fight back, it only gets funnier."
Roger Kimball (The New Criterion) "The excellent weblog IowaHawk summarized some of the thoughts I had... I must also laud David Burge of IowaHawk for his gritty pragmatism. He is no armchair crusader, full of empty imprecations."
Blackfive "This pipe-smokin' assassin is the pure ass heat"
James Waterton (Samizdata) "bloody magnificent... Is there a Nobel prize for comedy? If not, we damn well need one"
Mark Steyn "I take my hat off. This belongs to a very select group of Jokes I Wish I'd Thought Of First: 'It's that time of year when we honor the ultimate MILF: Mother Earth'"
Jim Treacher "I don't LIKE you. I LOVE you. In a GAY way."
Bill Whittle "I've met him, you know -- Iowahawk. 6'7" he is, arms like mighty oak trees, legs like even mightier oak trees: clear grey eyes looking to the far horizon, his lantern jaw set against the approaching storm but yet with a slight hint of a distant smile bourne of many combats won and mortal enemies vanquished.
I stood speechless in his presence at a restaurant in Marina del Rey --- just speechless, weeping silently at the sheer magnetism and force of personality coming off the man in seismic waves; a transcendental, religious experience that kept me awake for a week, as if I had seen the heavens split open in a blaze of orange and purple glory, and all of God's Great Plan revealed.
And when he finally did speak, it was the sound of distant thunder echoing off ancient mountains, a sound that predates mankind's puny schreeching -- a sound that, indeed, is antecedent to the founding of Life on Earth and comes carried through the ether on the shock wave of ancient dying stars. And though he only spoke twelve words during the four hours I stood in his presence, those words are with me still, a perfect dozen seared into my memory, written in gold across the great hall of my mind.
He said, 'HEY, CAN YOU GET THIS ONE? I LEFT MY WALLET AT HOME.'"
Spongeworthy "But no shit, Iowahawk might get up tomorrow, get baked, grab his beautiful wife and ride his moped backwards to a Hells Angel rally, then drink himself into oblivion and fight about 7 crank dealers from the Racine chapter of the Death Jokers all by himself.
Then maybe he'd go home, romance the beautiful wife, build a perfect retro treehouse for his perfect kids, drink a bottle of tequila, prepare a 3-course meal while beating away a push-in home invader and sacrificing him on a makeshift, though historically accurate, Inca altar he built in the woods behind the railroad tracks.
Then he'd sit down and knock out a tremedously insulting Leftist parody that pissed off thread after thread of Kos and DU lunatics, romance the bride once again and fall asleep chuckling.
It's like he's Paul Bunyan and Mark Twain rolled up into one hipster"
