Ted (2012)

Actors

• Douglas Balakovich (actor)
• Marshall Berenson (actor)
• Ronald Boone (actor)
• Paul Bronk (actor)
• Jeff T. Buco (actor)
• Paul Campbell (actor)
• Johnny Carson (actor)
• Owen Clarke (actor)
• Jeffrey Corazzini (actor)
• Zane Cowans (actor)
• Zane Cowans (actor)
• Chris Cox (actor)
• Ted Danson (actor)
• Johnny Lee Davenport (actor)
• Kilo Alexander (actor)

Genres

• Comedy
• Fantasy

Taglines:

Ted is coming.

Quotes:

[from trailer]::[thunder is heard outside]::Lori: I don't - I don't understand. I really don't. You're 35 years old and you're still scared of a little thunder?::John: I am not!::[Ted comes running into the bed]::Ted: Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?::John: Fucking right.::Ted: Alright, come on, let's sing the thunder song.::John: Alright.::John, Ted: [singing] When you hear the sound of thunder, / Don't you get too scared. / Just grab your thunder buddy / And say these magic words: / "Fuck you, thunder! / You can suck my dick! / You can't get me thunder / 'Cause you're just God's farts!" [blow raspberries]

[from trailer]::Ted: [dressed in a suit and tie] I look stupid.::John: No, you don't, you look dapper.::Ted: John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell 'em Grandma died.

Lori: [Enters apartment and sees Ted and four hookers on the couch watching TV] Oh...::Ted: Lori, hey, you're home early.::Lori: What the hell is this?::Ted: The ladies and I were just watching Jack and Jill, where Adam Sandler plays a guy and his sister, and it's, it's just awful. It's unwatchable, but y'know, they're hookers. So it's fine.::Lori: This place is a wreck! Who are these girls?::Ted: Oh, where are my manners? Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly, Charene, and Sauvignon Blanc. I love you girls. Y'know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night!::Lori: [Looks down on floor] What is that?::Ted: Wha- what is what?::Lori: There's a... a shit on my floor! In the corner, there is a shit!::Ted: Oh, yeah, Yeah, we were playing Truth or Dare, and, uh, Charene was pretty ballsy.::Lori: There is a shit on my floor!::Ted: Well, or, or, is the floor on the shit?::John: [John pokes a lobster head from out the door] Rawr!::Ted: Hahaha!::John: Who lives here? I'm comin' to get who lives here! You owe me lobster money!::Ted: Ahahaha! That's my buddy Johnny. Not the lobster, the guy runnin' it.::John: [Enters the apartment] I found my phone. What's going on.::[John suddenly looks down on the floor]::John: Is that a shit?::[Lori looks at John]

[from trailer]::Ted: I met a girl; she's a cashier.::John: No way! That's awesome! We should fuckin' double date or something, you, me and Lori and w-what's her name?::Ted: White trash name. Guess.::John: Mandy.::Ted: Nope.::John: Marilyn.::Ted: Nope.::John: Brittany?::Ted: Nope.::John: Tiffany.::Ted: Nope.::John: Candace.::Ted: Nope.::John: Don't fuck with me on this! I know this shit!::Ted: Do you see me fuckin' with you? I'm completely serious.::John: Alright, speed round. I'm gonna rattle off some names, and when I hit it, you fuckin' buzz it, okay? You got me?::Ted: You do it. I will tell you. Yeah.::John: Alright: Brandy, Heather, Channing, Brianna, Amber, Serena, Melody, Dakota, Sierra, Bambi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby, Taylor, Tara, Tammy, Lauren, Charlene, Chantelle, Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista, Mindy, Noel, Shelby, Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna, Jolene, Urleen, Claudia, Savannah, Casey, Dolly, Kendra, Kylie, Chloe, Devon, Emmalou, fuckin' *Becky*?::Ted: No.::John: Wait; was it any of those names with a "Lynn" after it?::Ted: *Yes*.::John: Oh, I got you, motherfucker! I got you! [Ted laughs] Okay. Brandi-Lynn, Heather-Lynn...::Ted: Tami-Lynn.::John: [Exasperated] *Fuck*!

Tom Skerritt: My daughter better still be alive you sick son of a bitch.

Ted: Oh hey listen, try this, I told my weed guy to step it up and he gave me that. [Ted passes a bong to John] .::John: What is this?::Ted: It's called "Mind Rape", it's actually pretty mellow.::John: It doesn't sound very mellow.::Ted: Well he only had three other batches: "Gorilla Panic", "They're coming! They're coming!" and something called "This Is Permanent"... Go on, spark it up!

John: [calling 911] This guy took my teddy bear!::[pause]::John: Hello? Hello?

John: [during a flashback to 2008] Chris Brown can do no wrong!

Ted: [to fat kid] Back off, Susan Boyle!

Southern Newscaster: [regarding Ted coming to life] Look what Jesus did! Look what Jesus did!

Danson, Ted Filmography

• The One I Love
  2014, role: actor
• Big Miracle
  2012, role: actor , character name: J. W. McGraw
• CSI: Crime Scene Investigation - Season 12: Putting on a Freak Show
  2012, role: actor , character name: Himself
• 18th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards
  2012, role: actor , character name: Himself
• Ted
  2012, role: actor , character name: Ted Danson
• Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas
  2012, role: actor , character name: Himself
• A Farewell to Marg
  2012, role: actor , character name: Himself
• Fight for Your Right Revisited
  2011, role: actor , character name: Maitre D'
• Jock
  2011, role: actor , character name: Pezulu
• A Decade of Difference: A Concert Celebrating 10 Years of the William J. Clinton Foundation
  2011, role: actor , character name: Himself
• Clinton Foundation: Celebrity Division
  2011, role: actor , character name: Himself
• The 62nd Primetime Emmy Awards
  2010, role: actor , character name: Himself
• The 2009 Primetime Creative Arts Emmy Awards
  2009, role: actor , character name: Himself
• The Magic 7
  2009, role: actor , character name: Sean's Dad
• 2009 Creative Arts Emmy Awards
  2009, role: actor , character name: Himself
• The Open Road
  2009, role: actor , character name: Coach
• You Know the Face
  2009, role: actor
• The End of the Line
  2009, role: actor , character name: Narrator
• The Evening Journey
  2008, role: producer
• The Human Contract
  2008, role: actor , character name: E.J Winters
• Mad Money
  2008, role: actor , character name: Don Cardigan
• Designing Green
  2008, role: actor , character name: Himself - Narrator
• The 60th Primetime Emmy Awards
  2008, role: actor , character name: Himself - Nominee: Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series
• Behind the Scenes with 'The Amateurs'
  2008, role: actor , character name: Himself - 'Moose'
• Hillary! Uncensored: Banned by the Media
  2008, role: actor , character name: Himself
• TV Guide Live at the Emmy Awards
  2008, role: actor , character name: Himself
• Nobel Son
  2007, role: actor , character name: Harvey Parrish
• Who Killed the Sitcom?
  2006, role: actor , character name: Sam Malone
• Guy Walks Into a Bar
  2006, role: actor
• Greener Buildings/Bluer Skies
  2006, role: actor , character name: Himself - Narrator
• The 4th Annual TV Land Awards
  2006, role: actor , character name: Himself
• Bye Bye Benjamin
  2006, role: actor , character name: Bill
• Bye Bye Benjamin
  2006, role: producer
• History of Curb Your Enthusiasm: Even Further
  2006, role: actor , character name: Himself
• History of Curb Your Enthusiasm: So Far
  2006, role: actor , character name: Himself
• The Moguls
  2005, role: actor , character name: Moose
• Our Fathers
  2005, role: actor , character name: Mitchell Garabedian
• Knights of the South Bronx
  2005, role: actor , character name: Richard
• Inside Out: Joey Pants
  2004, role: actor , character name: Himself
• Cliff's Notes: The Wisdom of Cliff Clavin
  2004, role: actor , character name: Sam Malone
• Strictly Top-Shelf: The Guys Behind the Bar
  2004, role: actor , character name: Himself
• Virtual Vera
  2004, role: actor , character name: Sam Malone
• The 30th Annual People's Choice Awards
  2004, role: actor , character name: Himself - Presenter
• Carla's Whipping Boy
  2004, role: actor , character name: Sam Malone
• Roz's Dating Tips
  2004, role: actor , character name: Sam Malone
• That's a Wrap
  2004, role: actor , character name: Himself
• Fronterz
  2004, role: actor
• Di Another Day: Diane Chambers from A-Z
  2004, role: actor , character name: Himself
• Marching on to Season Two
  2004, role: actor , character name: Sam Malone
• Carla the Comeback Queen: Insults for Every Occasion
  2004, role: actor , character name: Himself