its a common thing that guys “let themselves go” when they get comfortable in a relationship.

i had a very similar thing happen to me when i was younger - my bf let himself go and i just wasnt in love with him anymore cuz i didnt find him attractive. it got to the stage where i wouldnt even want to hold his hand in public! i told my bf i wanted to break up after we had been together for a while and he got angry just like your man did and my bf even threatened suicide if i left him… i should have walked away right then… but being young and naiive i stayed another 2 years.

one day i just woke up to myself and realised i was living a lie and dumped him in an email - i had tried about ten times in the past to leave him in person but he was so manipulative, he always talked me out of it - i know that hurt his feelings but when you dont like them anymore… it’d be wrong to pretend. you just have to get it over with and leave him so you can move on with life!!

Falling out of love happens. More often than people give credit to. It happened with my first husband though it was heavily influenced by his alcohol dependance and behaviour whilst drunk. Something that he didn’t exhibit until after we were married.

He also wanted children but I didn’t want to raise a child in that sort of environment. It took me six months to work up the courage. I sat him down and told him face to face. It was the hardest thing I had to do. Not long afterwards he was transferred interstate with his job and that made it much easier to cope with.

You get plagued by the guilt feelings and the ‘if onlys’ but it is better to be honest with yourself and make the clean break than to stay around because you feel obliged to. It will only lead to more resentment in the long run.

your going to break his heart no matter how you do it, So just do it kindly, whole heartedly and honestly, and dont leave it too long.

Hey,

You arent selfish for wanting to break up with him. You were young when you got together and now you’ve changed. It happens, people grow and you teen years are fraught with life change and growth.

Think of it this way, you dont love him the way he should be loved in a relationship. You are hanging onto him when he should be let out to sea to grow himself and find the woman who will love him as a lover (and not a sister).

Its not going to be easy. Hes going to be very hurt. But you are not responsible for how he feels. You are responsible for doing your best to not hurt him, but if he decides to hold onto the past and let himself hurt for the next few months then thats his quarter. You cannot hold yourself hostage to his feelings. Do your best to be kind when breaking up with him, and thats all you can do.

Viel Gluck.

I was on the receiving end of a very similar situation to this a few years back. At the time it’s awful but I got over it and know she did the right thing. It’s no good for anyone staying in the relationship because you are scared of hurting him. Break it to him gently but like Bossy said be final about it so he can start dealing with it straight away.

Okays, here’s a few do’s and don’ts:

DON’T:

- Don’t say ‘can we just be friends’ - It just doesn’t work, he’ll still have feelings for you, even when you’re just hanging out;
- Don’t say you’re not ready for a relationship, and then start dating other guys (and given you’ve been together for 5 1/2 years, you shouldn’t really be looking for another relationship for a few months anyway)
- Don’t try and use a standard line (read that as lie) to break up with him, e.g. It’s not you it’s me, be honest, but not brutal.
- don’t contact him for at least a few weeks after you’ve broken up with him, any contact will make him think, ‘gee, maybe she is missing me and I still might be in with a chance’

DO’s:

- Do it in person, but not in public. He WILL cry, and he’ll hate you if you make him cry in front of other people
- Do it sooner rather than later, every time you reject him, it just hurts him more
- Do reassure him about himself, but don’t say ‘there are better girls out the for you’ or ‘there are more fish in the sea’, the reason why he’s not out there fishing at the moment, is because he wants to be with YOU.
- Do let us know how you go.

Cheers.

Hey Scared,
I’m not envying your situation at all - rest assured, you’re making the right decision. The only advice I can offer is - Whatever you do, make sure he knows your decision is final!!!
I broke up with my long-term partner a couple of years back, and he managed to string the whole process out over almost a year. It culminated in me having a complete breakdown, which I am only now fully recovering from. Just make sure you tell him gently but firmly, and try to ensure all loose ends (joint bank accounts, furniture etc. - all the stuff you tend not to think about in this situation!!) are tied up as soon as possible after the event. That will then allow both you and him to start the grieving process sooner.
Best of luck!

Life is not a dress rehearsal, Scared. At 22, you should be out having fun and meeting a variety of people, not stuck in an unfulfilling relationship. Believe me, I’ve been there..

Hi there,
I had the same thing happen to me except I was broken up with after 6 1/2 years. It was really hard, but my partner (who had become my best friend) was really honest and good about it. As time has passed, we have both got over it and moved on. The problem I have now is that while we are still friends (we were best friends), my new partner is very jelous and insecure about us speaking or catching up. Bossy is right that if it really is not working and you have made the decision to change directions, then do not let it drag on and on as this will ‘waste’ both of your time and not make it any easier. Be nice, gentle but clear about the changes to be made. Good luck and remember to be grateful for the time you have shared with this wonderful person.

Leave now, and don’t be friends with him, give him space. I’ve got a long history of getting stuck with guys who were crazy about me when I didn’t feel the same about them. I’ve often felt they didn’t care if I was happy as long as I was there. I don’t even like going on a date now, I’ve just had too many guys think it’s some sort of “commitment” before I know if I like them. I was in one relationship for 5 years broke up for 2 and together for another 5, the second time round I felt no attraction at all, it was just his persistence.  I know it’s hard to tell them, but you can’t make a sacrifice of your life, time goes by too fast. If they don’t enhance your life it’s not worth it, and will stop you finding someone who does make you happy.  Oh.... and I know it should be obvious but… NO SEX!!! or he’ll never let you go.....

Look, there isn’t any way you can do this without breaking his heart.

My ex broke up with me almost a year ago, after being together 8 years. We were together since we were 17.

Even a year later I still think about her every couple of days. I don’t contact her. When we broke up she said that she “didn’t want me out of her life”, but I don’t think the friends thing could ever work for us. It still hurts to think about her so I try not to.

I tried to make things work and asked her to re-consider, but in the end I just let her go as I want her to be happy.

Sure, it will tear his soul apart, but if he really loves you he will just let you go, remind him of this if things get difficult with the break up.

Sorry, I’m not sure i’ve been helpful here, just though I would add my 2c.

Hi Scared,

I completely understand where you are coming from as I had a very similar experience.

I started dating my ex back when I was 16 and he was 18 and we broke up 6 weeks before our 5 year anniversary.

Same sort of situation though, we were both really comfortable in the relationship and it was when I was starting to have some real feelings for someone else that it dawned on me that we were more like friends than anything else.

The turning point in this relationship for me was that I found out that whilst I was at work (He stayed at home as he didn’t have a job at the time) he was cathing up with his ex girlfriend (I was told by my mother who was in Seattle on holidays!) I caught him in the act (well - a little deception on my part. As we both work in IT, I hooked his phone bill up online and saw he was calling this number daily - so before work, i called and asked for a completely different person and it did turn out to be his ex!) So I decided that we both had grown away from each other and that we both wanted different things out of life and relationships.

He has since married this girl, and I am living with the guy I started to fall for (who also had a similar experience) and I have never been happier! I still talk to him occasionally, but only online to say hi.

So, my advice to you would be to sit down with him and explain your feelings and be as honest as you can. From listening to my boyfriend’s experience (where the breakup was sprung on him) he was devastated, and yes, I am sure that he cried as well, in the long run though, everyonw is much happier

Having been on the receiving end of this myself, I can also heartily recommend you do it sooner rather than later. In my heart I knew my partner was trying to “ease me into” being dumped, but I was young and stupid enough to cling to the relationship instead of just letting it go.

Yes, it is hard. Yes, it is painful and horrible. But he WILL get over it and the only ways you can make it easier is by following most of the suggestions here. No matter how painful and seemingly cruel it is - DO give him a week or more before you make contact after ditching him. He will likely cling to any and all communication and the quicker he realises this is really it and you’re not coming back, the quicker he can start to deal and move on and the better it will be for you both in the end.

Also, while I wouldn’t go over and over the things you DO like about him, he will likely need some reassurance that he isn’t pond scum. If he asks something along the lines of “did you ever love me or was this all just a lie” reassure him that you did love him, and even point out one or two specific things. I’m not saying hold his hand and let him worm you back - being gentle, but firm and answering his questions honestly and carefully should be more than enough.

Good luck!!

BEEN IN A REALTIONSHIP FOR 5 YEARS AND IM THE SAME, WE ARE MORE LIKE BROTHER AND SISTER, YOU MAY NEVER GET OVER HIM BUT, IF YOU DONT LOVE HIM HOW YOU USED TO, SAVE THE BOTH OF YOU AND JUST TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT B4 MAKING ANY RASH DECISIONS, ONCE THERE GONE YOU MAY RELIZE THAT YOU DID REALLY LOVE HIM, JUST GOT A LIL BORED! IVE DONE IT AND BEEN ON MY OWN, AND TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH DATED SOME WANR;S, THEN I RELIZED… HAVING TIME ALONE WOKE ME UP… WHATEVER YOU DO DONT END IT ON BAD TERM.. IT BLOODY SUX
GOOD LUCK HUN

I just want to say all the best and I hope everything works out for the both of you.

Also, I’ve been the dumpee so I can say that it might hurt him a great deal especially when he hasn’t seen it coming.  The best thing you can do is to just leave him be to get on with his life.  Once he’s over it and still want to be your friend then he will contact you then.

Good luck.

Scared don’t be scared. the man you want at 16 is quite often, as you have found out, not the man you want at 22. Of course he’s going to be hurt but you owe it to him to let him know truthfully why you no longer feel that attraction. All relationships that end, end badly or they wouldn’t end at all. one person is usually at that place before the other, so the person who was blissfully ignorant of the situation is often confused, hurt and feels betrayed. but he will get over it. be firm. let him know that you don’t want any contact for say, 6 months, then after that once he’s sorted out his emotions leave it to him to contact you. at first he will hate you, say nasty things about you then eventually come to realise you did you both a huge favour by being honest. at least hopefully it will mean his next girlfriend doesn’t have to inherit all that aweful baggage that comes when a relationship ends without one person knowing the truth. when he’s ready he will contact you. that way you will hopefully remain friends. good luck.

Respond buttons not working.....
I sound like your ex, do I Someone? Let’s see, did you:
Cheat on me for a number of months, while still pretending we were ‘working things out’?
Let a friend tell me you had just moved in with your fiancee during the ‘working things out’ period?
Refuse to get rid of all your sh!t from my house until I threw it outside, some eight months later (yes, my bad - I should’ve had the balls to do it earlier)?
Burst into tears when I said, after all events listed above, that there was no way in hell I would ever be friends with you, and I never wanted to see you again?
Sorry someone, although I find some of your advice questionable I have trouble believing you could be that much of an a$$hole

Respond buttons not working.....
I sound like your ex, do I Someone? Let’s see, did you:
Cheat on me for a number of months, while still pretending we were ‘working things out’?
Let a friend tell me you had just moved in with your fiancee during the ‘working things out’ period?
Refuse to get rid of all your sh!t from my house until I threw it outside, some eight months later (yes, my bad - I should’ve had the balls to do it earlier)?
Burst into tears when I said, after all events listed above, that there was no way in hell I would ever be friends with you, and I never wanted to see you again?
Sorry someone, although I find some of your advice questionable I have trouble believing you could be that much of an a$$hole

There is never an easy way to break up with someone. What you have to do, is be honest with yourself and the other person. Being friends only works after an extended period of time if at all.
I was once dumped by someone I thought was the love of my life, it took me many months and many bars and countless shoe shops to get over that relationship. Be assured we all move on and the hurt lessons over time. Being upfront and honest is best, my ex wasn’t with me, and finding the truth out many months later, actually hurt more than when he ended 12 years of what I thought was bliss..Be assured in my circumstance payback was devine…

I think that girls hurt guys as much as guys hurt girls, its an even mix..
Actually girls probably end up getting the raw end of the stick because guys tend to avoid confronting situations, so they get dumped by telephone or worse, SMS.
Sounds like you have some experience in the matter Someone?
I have never dumped anyone bossy, but I cant imagine there is an easy way to do it, esspecially if it is one sided, as the post suggests it is. His heart will be broken no matter how she does it.. Dont you agree?