i love us both but i don't feel good
so i keep pulling over
and looking under
the hood
i love us both but i'm at wit's end
where does your compromise begin
and mine end?
i love us both but what
world's it gonna be?
the one according to you
or the one according to me?
i don't feel good so ...
now do my problems include
talks with doctors who don't even understand
about food?
i think in ancient china they kinda
figured out how the body works
but our culture is just a roughneck
teenage jerk
with a bottle of pills
and a bottle of booze
and a full round of ammunition
and nothing to lose
and is it really the best we can do
to arm wrestle over whose world it's gonna be?
(the one according to you
or the one according to me)
i love us both and i'll see ya
if you'll see me
So that's how you found me
Rain falling around me
Lookin down at a worm
With a long way to go
And the traffic was hissing by
And i was homesick
And i was high
I was surrounded by a language
In which i could say only hello
And thank you very much
But you spoke so i could understand
And i drew a treasure map on your hand
And you were no picnic
You were no prize
But you had just enough pathos
To keep me hypnotized
Hypnotized
The map led to an island
In a sea of store-bought dreams
Where soulless singers sang
Over beats built by machines
And lovely girls were hovering
Above my head like gulls
With their long slender necks
And their delicate skulls
And i was no picnic
I was no prize
But i had just enough sweetness
To keep you hypnotized
Hypnotized
So that's how you found me
Rain falling around me
Lookin down at a worm
What dreams cause me
To abandon my pillow each night?
Push away each of them, in fact
Since there always seem to be more than one
Then wake to aching stiff neck twisted
Tits and face smashed against the mattress
Legs and arms akimbo
Like the high pitched body of a jumper
Waiting for her chalk outline
I hate you sometimes
But I love to be your queen
You are my muse
Got me smoking nicotine
I watch you sometimes
From oh so far away
But I can't forget you
Or anything you said
You sang that song in my ear
And it tickled those tiny hairs
Love is a puzzle
Some pieces they adjoin
It's not like that with us
But I keep flipping that coin
I watch you sometimes
From oh so far away
But I can't forget you
Or anything you say
You sang that song in my ear
Millennium theater
Get out there and buy that water and gas
Ramadan orange alert
Everybody put on your gas mask
First leak it out about the president
Then stand up and shout "impeachment"
Pulling coat tails out from under that little V.P.
Before he has a chance to get in the driver's seat
Millennium spectacle
Everybody put on a show
Slip a little prince in the back door
21st century here we go
Digital whiplash
So many formats so little time
While out in TV nation
Under darkening skies
The resistance is just waiting
To be organized
Millennium theater
Chief justice is for sale
Yucca mountain goddesses
Their tears they form a trail
Trickle down Israel
Patriarchies realign
The ice caps melt
And New Orleans bides her time
New Orleans bides her time
Ladies and gentlemen
Welcome to tonight's show
The millennium theater
Asks that you not smoke
Please turn off your cell phones
I will lean into you
and you can be the wind
I will open up my mouth
and you can come rushing in
you can rush in so hard
and make it so I can't breathe
I breathe too much anyway
I can do that anyday
I just wish I knew who you were
I wish you'd make yourself known
probably you don't know I'm her
the woman you want to call home
I'll keep my ear to the wall
I'll keep my eye on the door
'cause I've heard all my own jokes
and they're just not funny anymore
I laugh too much anyway
I can do that anyday
have you ever been bent or pulled
have you ever been played like strings
if I could see you I could strum you
I could break you
make you sing
but I guess you can't really see the wind
it just comes in and fills the space
and everytime something moves
you think that you have seen its face
and I've always got my guitar to play
When the joy had left your body
And you were locked into your own pulse
You used to love to sit by the water
And watch it lapping on the rocks
And every time you put your feet in
You cry out and you pray
But its all downhill from here, baby
So naturally, I can't stay
First you roll your eyes to heaven
Say you've never had love so divine
But it will go from more than ever
To not enough in no time
You will push and
You will push until
You push me away
I hear you cry out for your water
I know you'll curse it someday
I guess for me there's been few
Who've walked up smiling and drawn a line
Between so far and from now on
Yes a big glowing life time
And I've been disappointed
I've been heart-broken
I too have loved from afar
But we are 78% water
Even our pumping hearts
You wandered in
To the forest
Following that shiny red ball
And by the time you looked up
You were lost
But that's not all
You confused your journey
With my journey
You tried to nail me
Like minerva to your bow
But my job here
Is not to deliver you
But to hold a mirror
Till you see how
Oh say can you see me
Oh say can you see me
Oh say can you see me over here?
You want me
To tell you a story
But I am weary
Of entertaining
I'll have more to say when I'm happy
'Course, then I'll have less to sing
But there's no me
Left for me
No incidental time of day
No wild adventures
Except in darkness
So dark I'd rather not say
Oh say can you see me
Oh say can you see me
Oh say can you see me over here?
Over here
Step up and forfeit your frontal lobe
To the sexed up stroll of celebrity
Never mind that the nanoseconds in between
Are some of the darkest darkness that you've ever seen
Keep your eye on my finger
And listen to the sound of my voice
Get your subliminal decree
And your false security
Be all that you can be
Be all that you can be
In hospitals and schools
Airports and banks and bars
Big ones on street corners
Little ones driving by in cars
And glowing through countless
Bedroom curtains at night
That 30k tone
And that pale blue light saying
Daddy knows best
Yes, this is the news
In 90 second segments officially produced
And aired again and again and again
By the little black and white pawns
Of the network yes men
While the stars are going out
And the stripes are getting bent
And cancer, the great teacher
Has been opening schools
Downstream from every factory
Still, everywhere fools are
Squinting into microscopes
Researching cells
Trying to figure out a way
That we can all live in hell
Well, step back, look up
You'll see I'm dimming the sun
But you won't, will you?
Oh, that's a good little one
'cause daddy knows best
Yes, this is the news
In 90 second segments officially produced
And aired again and again and again
By the little black and white pawns
Of the network yes men
While the stars are going out
And the stripes are getting bent
The stars are going out
Thirty-three years go by
And not once do you come home
To find a man sitting in your bedroom
That is
A man you don't know
Who came a long way to deliver one very specific message:
Lock your back door, you idiot
However invincible you imagine yourself to be
You are wrong
Thirty-three years go by
And you loosen the momentum of teenage nightmares
Your breasts hang like a woman's
And you don't jump at shadows anymore
Instead you may simply pause to admire
Those that move with the grace of trees
Dancing past streetlights
And you walk through your house without turning on lamps
Sure of the angle from door to table
From table to staircase
Sure of the number of steps
Seven to the landing
Two to turn right
Then seven more
Sure you will stroll serenely on the moving walkway of memory
Across your bedroom
And collapse with a sigh onto your bed
Shoes falling
Thunk thunk
Onto the floor
And there will be no strange man
Suddenly all that time sitting there
Sitting there on what must be the prize chair
In your collection of uncomfortable chairs
With a wild look in his eyes
And hands that you cannot see
Holding what?
You do not know
So sure are you of the endless drumming rhythm of your isolation
That you are painfully slow to adjust
If only because
Yours is not that genre of story
Still and again, life cannot muster the stuff of movies
No bullets shattering glass
Instead fear sits patiently
Fear almost smiles when you finally see him
Though you have kept him waiting for thirty-three years
And now he has let himself in
And he has brought you fistfuls of teenage nightmares
Though you think you see, in your naivete
That he is empty handed
And this brings you great relief
At the time
New as you are, really, to the idea that
Even after you've long since gotten used to the parameters
They can all change
While you're out one night having a drink with a friend
Some big hand may be turning a big dial
Switching channels on your dreams
Until you find yourself lost in them
And watching your daily life with the sound off
And of course having cautiously turned down the flame under your eyes
There are more shadows around everything
Your vision a dim flashlight that you have to shake all the way to the outhouse
Your solitude elevating itself like the spirit of the dead
Presiding over your supposed repose
Not really sleep at all
Just a sleeping position and a series of suspicious sounds
A clanking pipe
A creaking branch
The footfalls of a cat
All of this and maybe
The swish of the soft leather of your intruder's coat
As you walk him step by step back to the door
Having talked him down off the ledge of a very bad idea
Soft leather, big feet, almond eyes
The kinds of details the police officer would ask for later
With his clipboard
And his pistol
In order to
Say thank you to you
I must do it intentionally
But tonight with every breath
I can feel my death
Sure as I can feel my knees
You were my modulation
So that's what you will always be
We took each other higher
We set each other free
Course, neither of us were wearing helmets
And our blood was just everywhere
And when the morphine kicked in later
The censors threw their hands up in despair
And that's when the truth came marching in
And promptly pulled the plug
But you were better than any drug
You were better than any drug
In order to
Say thank you to you
I must do it intentionally
But tonight with every breath
I can feel my death
Sure as I can feel my knees
You were my modulation
And that's what you will always be
We took each other higher
Then we set each other free
Come home and my guitar
Has nothin to say to me
I recoil from all my friends
And then I'm in misery
Been so long since I've been held
Really since I was his
Probably just need to be held
That's probably all it is
Course, then I think of my dad
Who time travels mostly now
Back to when he was free
And holding out hope somehow
Who sits all day in a line
Of wheelchairs against a wall
Inventing ways to play out time
Like us all
Like us all
To all the people out there tonight
Who are comforting themselves
If you should happen to see my light
You can stop and ring my bell
I'm just sittin here in this sty
Strewn with half written songs
Taking one breath at a time
Nothin much going on
Nothin much going on
Little flashing zero
On my answering machine
Rats scratching at my brain
Brain shuffling its feet
Yes I have my father's heart
It may or may not keep on trying
Can't really tell you what it is
Keeps me this side of that dark line
But I'm not there to take care of him
And I'm not here to take care of me
I'm going outside to watch the house burn down
Across the street
I'm going outside to watch the house burn down
Across the street
To all the people out there tonight
Who are comforting themselves
If you should happen to see my light
You can stop and ring my bell
I'm just sitting here in this sty
Strewn with half written songs
Taking one breath at a time
Nothin much going on
I was born to two immigrants
Who knew why they were here
They were happy to pay taxes
For the schools and roads
Happy to be here
They took it seriously
The second job of citizenry
My mother went campaigning door to door
And holding to her hand was me
I was just a girl in a room full of women
Licking stamps and laughing
I remember the feeling of community brewing
Of democracy happening
But I suppose like anybody
I had to teach myself to see
All that stuff that got lost
On its way to church
All that stuff that got lost
On its way to school
All that stuff that got lost
On its way to the house of my family
All that stuff that was not lost on me
Teach myself to see each of us
Through the lens of forgiveness
Like we're stuck with each other (god forbid!)
Teach myself to smile and stop and talk
To a whole other color kid
Teach myself to be new in an instant
Like the truth is accessible at any time
Teach myself it's never really one or the other
There's a paradox in every paradigm
I was just a girl in a room full of women
Licking stamps and laughing
I remember the feeling of community brewing
You cried and you cried and you cried wolf
So it took me a minute to understand
That you really were hurt bad
That day you deeply cut your hand
And then that look that you gave me
Sent me rushing through guilt's door
I'd already started to feel callous
Like I really should care more
It was my work that kept me upright
So you called it a crutch
While I drifted off
Into dreams of such and such
And by the time we'd come full circle
We knew exactly what to do
Just keep looking at the triangle
Instead of what it's pointing to
But you can't will yourself happy
You can't will your cunt wet
You can't keep standing at the station
Pretending you're being met
You can't wear a sign that says 'yours'
When that ain't what you get
It flows and flows away from me
My love is a stream
Your love is a vaudeville show
So charming and obscene
We both had our moments
We both had our fun
And then I hated to prove 'em all right
All those who said I'd run
But you can't will yourself happy
You can't will your cunt wet
You can't keep standing at the station
Pretending you're being met
You can't keep wearing a sign that says 'yours'
There you were day after day
Six feet
Twenty feet
Two feet away
Right in my pocket singin me a song
Makin my heart race all day long
And we talked it out and we talked it down
But your eyes were not listening
And my ears were looking around
For another song to sing
But it was you each time
It was you
The answer to each moment must be yes
And the question... can you live with that?
Becomes the test
So you weigh it against that aching in your chest
And that secretly relentless emptiness
And you talk it out and you talk it down
But your eyes are not listening
And my ears are running around
Looking for another song to sing
But it is you each time
It is you
So my heart finally broke
It was so long bent
And it broke in three places
When it finally went
It wanted only to say what it meant
So it suffered every punishment
Now it lives in a shack outside of town
And only the wolves are out there listening
And in her dreams they chase her down
Their moonlit eyes are glistening
And it is you each time
There's really no hope for me
And that three second rule
Somethin gets dropped
And still I'm the slowest damn fool
Slow to realize what's really going on
Slow to know in a moment
Who or what has gone wrong
I wanna tighten down on the lag time
Your consonants were buzzing
Around your head like flies
Your true colors were showing
And your shape and your size
You were drinking your way though it
I was shrinking right there inside of my clothes
My eventual twenty/twenty
Arms crossed
Tapping her toe
I gotta tighten down on the lag time
Survivors are part turtle
We are part potato bug
We know enough to go fetal
'Til it's still up above
And you gotta crawl through the desert
Between when you hear it
And when you can play it with your hands
Just to rendezvous with whoever you are
When you finally understand
I gotta tighten down on the lag time
I wanna tighten down on the lag time
That's just my cowgirl alter-ego
Riding on her bar room bull
Dripping with the sweat of irony
As the cowboys whoop and drool
Shooting glances at the mirror
To see if her scar is showing
She is truly going nowhere tonight
Lecherous old lady wanna-be
Much too young and shy
Flailing her whole life
Just thinking she can teach herself to fly
Vehement romantic
Frantic for forever right now
But forever's going nowhere tonight
Sick of goading her self-loathing
She thinks, I think I'd better leave
'Course whiskey makes me smarter
And I'm happy as can be
But please excuse me darlin
It's not you
It's me
And there's a dusty old dust storm on mars, they say
So tonight you can't see it too clear
Still I stood in line to look through their telescope
Looked like a distant ship light
As seen from a foggy pier
And I know that I was warned
Still it was not what I hoped
Yes I know that I was warned
Still it was not what I hoped
I think I'm done gunnin to get closer
To some imagined bliss
I gotta knuckle down
And just be ok with this
I'm gonna knuckle down
Just be ok with this
'Course that star struck girl is already someone I miss
I swear some stuff you just see better from further away
And I think I communicate best now, the less I say
And I can't dance if the band can't play
And the vibe is going nowhere tonight
'Cuz somewhere between Hollywood and its pretty happiness
And an anguish so infinite it's anybody's guess
Is a place where people are all teachers
And this just one long class
And that ass will get you nowhere tonight
There's a dusty old dust storm on mars they say
So tonight you can't see it too clear
Still I stood in line to look through their telescope
Looked like a distant ship light
As seen from a foggy pier
And I know that I was warned
Still it was not what I hoped
Yeah I know that I was warned
Still it was not what I hoped
I think I'm done gunnin to get closer
To some imagined bliss
I gotta knuckle down
Just be ok with this
Gotta knuckle down
Just be ok with this
'Course that star struck girl
I am an all powerful amazon warrior
Not just some sniveling girl
So no matter what I think I need
You know I can't possibly
Have a need in this world
Come and come for that sweet sweetness
I'll be your never ending vending machine
I could never need to be alone
Never need to be my own
As much as you need your queen
I know men are delicate
Origami creatures
Who need women to unfold them
Hold them when they cry
But I am tired of being your savior
And I am tired of telling you why
And since when did this me me me
Become the be all and end all of me
Oh listen to you talk to me
Long time love has got to breathe, babe
You got to let it ebb and flow
If you want a ball to bounce
You gotta let it go
Just let it go
I know men are delicate
Origami creatures
Who need women to unfold them
Hold them when they cry
But I am tired of being your savior
I got pulled over in west Texas
so they could look inside my car
he said are you an american citizen
I said
yes sir
so far
they made sure I wasn't smuggling
someone in from Mexico
someone willing to settle for america
'cause there's nowhere else to go
and every state line
there's a new set of laws
and every police man
comes equipped with extended claws
there's a thousand shades of white
and a thousand shades of black
but the same rule always applies
smile pretty, and watch your back
I broke down in Louisiana
and I had to thumb a ride
got in the first car that pulled over
you can't be picky in the middle of the night
he said
baby, do you like to fool around
baby, do you like to be touched
I said
maybe some other time
fuck you very much
and every state line
there's a new set of laws
and every police man
comes equipped with extended claws
there's a thousand shades of white
and a thousand shades of black
but the same rule always applies
smile pretty, and watch your back
I'm in the middle of alabama
they stare at me where ever I go
I don't think they like my haircut
I don't think they like my clothes
I can't wait to get back to New York City
where at least when I walk down the street
nobody ever hesitates
to tell me exactly what they think of me
and every state line
there's a new set of laws
and every police man
comes equipped with extended claws
there's a thousand shades of white
and a thousand shades of black
but the same rule always applies
smile pretty, and watch your back
a little town in pennsylvania
there was snow on the ground
I parked in an empty lot
where there was no one else around
but I guess I was taking up too much space
as I was trying to get some sleep
'cause an officer came by anyway
and told me I had to leave
and every state line
there's a new set of laws
and every police man
comes equipped with extended claws
there's a thousand shades of white
and a thousand shades of black
but the same rule always applies
As dolls go I am broken
And you could just let that get us off the hook
But from under the umbrella of the unspoken
I see you giving me that look
Baby, you're right as rain about the benefits
But you might be wrong about the costs
And it feeds my heart that you came looking for me
But I'm thinkin I need to stay lost
So I won't say I saw you fibbing
Or jump-jigging across the floor
I won't say you walked me to my car
And draped your arm on my open door
I know my mind is made of matter
But I need to know exactly
What is the matter at it's core?
Because my heart is just a muscle
And simply put, it's sore
So never mind about the benefits
And never mind about the costs
That don't change the basic premises
In which I am surely lost
So I won't say I saw you fibbing
Or jump-jigging across the floor
I won't say you walked me to my car
Life knocked me off my platforms
So I pulled out my first pair of boots
Bought on the street at astor place
Before New York was run by suits
And I suited up for the long walk
Back to myself
Closer to the ground now
With sorrow
You broke me bodily
The heart ain't the half of it
And I'll never learn to laugh at it
In my good natured way
In fact I'm laughing less in general
But I learned a lot at my own funeral
And I knew you'd be the death of me
So I guess that's the price I pay
I'm trying to make new memories
In cities where we fell in love
My head just barely above
The darkest water I've ever known
You had me in that cage
You had me jumpin through those hoops for you
Still, I think I'd stoop for you
Stoop for your eyes alone
From that bomb shell moon in yet another lovely dress
To the deep mahogany sheen of a roach
I am trying to take an appreciative approach
To life in your wake
I focus on the quiet now
And occasionally I'll fall asleep somehow
And emptiness has its solace
I said Venice
You heard Vegas
Now I say either way
Baby let's go
I get so shaky
And I just can't shake it
I bliss like this
I'm one of those
But I don't wanna wear you
Wear you like a band-aid
Wave you like a ticket
Out of my good grief
I just wanna know you
Know you like I know my garden
What you smell like when you're bloomin
What lives underneath
Deep down underneath
Way down underneath
We do a whole lotta laughin
At the shyness that surrounds us
I do a whole lotta lookin
Somewhere else
I don't need to look
No, I can just feel you
Besides every time I see you
It just forces me to look at myself
Cuz I get so shaky
And I just can't shake it
I bliss like this
I'm one of those
And I said Venice
And you heard Vegas
But now I say either way
Let's go
What's the point
Of all this pointless proximity
If you won't talk
Take me for a walk
Through a little story
All these years
Have made me sick to tears
Of such mysteries
Why should I keep you
If you won't keep me
Company?
Til I get to know you
I ain't gonna show you nothing
Wordlessly
Whatchoo think this is?
You think that that grin
Gonna get you in
Where you wanna be?
Do I have to stand under your little cloud
Just to get near you
Baby can't you help this little girl
Not to fear you
Why don't you just talk
Take me for a walk
Through a little story
And tell me
Why should I keep you
If you won't keep me
More and more there is this animal
Looking out through my eyes
At all the traffic on the road to nowhere
At all the shiny stuff around to buy
At all the wires in the air
At all the people shopping
For the same blank stare
At america the drastic
That isolated geographic
That's become infested with millionaires
When you grow up surrounded
By willful ignorance
You have to believe
Mercy has its own country
And that it's round and borderless
And then you have to grow wings
And rise above it all
Like there
Where that hawk is circling
Above that strip mall
More and more there is this animal
Looking out through my eyes
Seeing that animals only take from this world
What they need to survive
But she is prowling through all the religions of men
Seeing that time and time and time again
Their gods have made them
Special and above
Nature's law
And the respect thereof
And I think when you grow up surrounded
By willful ignorance
You have to believe that mercy has its own country
And that it's round and borderless
And then you just grow wings
And rise above it all
Like there where that hawk is circling
Above that strip mall
Ask any eco-system
Harm here is harm there
And there and there
And aggression begets aggression
It's a very simple lesson
That long preceded any king of heaven
And there's this brutal imperial power
That my passport says I represent
But it will never represent where my heart lives
Only vaguely where it went
Cuz I know when you grow up surrounded
By willful ignorance
You learn that mercy has its own country
And that it's round and borderless
And then you just grow wings
And rise above it all
Like there
Where that hawk is circling
Standing just outside
The circle of light
Avoiding the pool cues
Watching the game
Waiting for you
Hanging in the doorway
Like smoke
Like mistletoe
This is where I'll be
Whenever you come or go
I'm gonna roll you over
Gonna peel you back
Expose your tender center
Watch the juices flow from the crack
Gonna peel you out of your protective shell
Or I might have to break right in there and raise some hell
I don't have no grand plan for you and me
Just nothing is impossible
Nothing is unlikely
I'm just riding the tide
Nothing more
And it's bound to take me out some
Before it brings me back to shore
When you look in the mirror
Do you see visions of your past
I ain't got time for halfway
I ain't got time for halfassed
When I look in the mirror
I see my days to come
And my face is just a trace
Of where I'm coming from
Just outside the circle of light
Is where you've been living
Your whole life
You've got to jump into the center
And launch your attack
And then you've got to crawl back
In the corners
Where it's really black
cradling the softest, warmest part of you in my hand
feels like a little baby bird fallen from the nest
i think that your body is something i understand
i think that i'm happy, i think that i'm blessed
i've got a lack of inhibition
i've got a loss of perspective
i've had a little bit to drink
and it's making me think
that i can jump ship and swim
that the ocean will hold me
that there's got to be more
than this boat i'm in
'cuz they can call me crazy if i fail
all the chance that i need
is one-in-a-million
and they can call me brilliant
if i succeed
gravity is nothing to me, moving at the speed of sound
i'm just going to get my feet wet
until i drown
and i teeter between tired
and really, really tired
im wiped and im wired but i guess its just as well
because i built my own empire
out of car tires and chicken wire
and i'm queen of my own compost heap
and i'm getting used to the smell
and i've got a lack of information
but i got a little revelation
and i'm climbing up on the railing
trying not to look down
i'm going to do my best swan dive
in the shark-infested waters
i'm gonna pull out my tampon
and start splashing around
'cuz i don't care if they eat me alive
i've got better thing to do than survive
i've got a memory of your warm skin in my hand
and i've got a vision of blue sky and dry land
i'm cradling the hardest, heaviest part of me in my hand
the ship is pitching and heaving, my limbs are bobbing and weaving
and i think this is what i understand
i just need a little vaccination for my far-away vacation
i'm going to go ahead boldly because a little bird told me
that jumping is easy, that falling is fun
up until you hit the sidewalk, shivering, stunned
and they can call me crazy if i fail
all the chance that i need
is one-in-a-million
and they can call me brilliant
if i succeed
gravity is nothing to me
moving at the speed of sound
i'm just gonna get my feet wet
life in the circus ain't easy
but the folks on the outside don't know
the tent goes up and the tent comes down
and all that they see is the show
and the ladies on the horses look so pretty
and the lions are lookin real mad
and some of the clowns are happy
and some of the clowns are sad
but underneath
there's another expression
that the makeup isn't making
life under the big top
it's about freedom
it's about faking
there's an art to the laughter
there's a science
and there's a lot of love
and compliance
welcoem to the freakshow
here we go...
we live to hear the slack-jawed gasping
we live under a halo of held breath
and when the children raise up a giant shield
of laughter, it's like they're fending off death
and we can make somethig bigger
then anyone of us alone
and then the clowns will take off their makeup
and the people will go home
but life on the outside ain't easy
no sequins, no elephants,
no parading around
yeah, the tent goes up
and the tent comes down
and they're stuck in this fucking town
you need a lot of love and compliance
welcome to the freakshow
i do it for the joy it brings
because i'm a joyful girl
because the world owes me nothing
and we owe each other the world
i do it because it's the least i can do
i do it because i learned it from you
i do it just because i want to
because I want to
everything i do is judged
and they mostly get it wrong
but oh well
'cuz the bathroom mirror has not budged
and the woman who lives there can tell
the truth from the stuff that they say
and she looks me in the eye
and says would you prefer the easy way?
no, well o.k. then
don't cry
and i wonder if everything i do
i do instead
of something i want to do more
the question fills my head
i know that there's no grand plan here
this is just the way it goes
and when everything else seems unclear
i guess at least i know
you were fresh off the boat from virginia
i had a year in new york city under my belt
we met in a dream
we were both 19
i remember where we were standing
i remember how it felt
2 little girls growing out of their training bras
this little girl breaks furniture, this little girl breaks laws
2 girls together
just a little less alone
this little girl cries wee wee
all the way home
you were always half crazy, now look at you baby
make about as much sense as a nursery rhyme
love is a piano dropped out a four story window
and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time
i don't like your girlfriend, yeah i don't like her
never seen one of your lovers do you so much harm
i loved you first and you know i would prefer
if she didn't empty her syringes into your arm
here comes little naked me padding up to the bathroom door
to find little naked you slumped on the bathroom floor
so i guess i'll just stand here with my back against the wall
while you distilled your whole life down to a 911 call
so now you bring me your bruises
so i can oh and ah at the display
maybe i'm supposed to make one of my famous jokes that makes everything ok
maybe i'm supposed to be the handsome prince who rides up and unties your hands
or maybe i'm supposed to be the furrow-browed friend who thinks she understands
sitting in my glasshouse
while your ghost is sleeping down the hall
watching the little birds fly
kamikaze missions into the walls
think i'm gonna stay in today
sit on my couch and watch them fall
life just keeps getting harder
keeps getting harder to hide
darker it is around me
easier it is to see inside
and outside the glass
the whole world is magnified
and its barely an inch
from here to the other side
guess that push has come to this
so i guess this must be shove
but before you throw those stones at me
tell me what's your house made of
and before you'll know what i'm doing wrong
you're going to have to get in line
for the purposes of this song
lets just say i'm doing fine
sure, i'm doing fine
trapped in my glasshouse
crowd has been gathering since dawn
make a pot of coffee
while catastrophe awaits me out on the lawn
think i'm going to stay in today
pretend like i don't know what's going on
seems that push has come to this
so i guess this must be shove
but before you throw those stones at me
tell me what's your house made of
and before you'll know what i'm doing wrong
you're going to have to get in line
so for the purposes of this song
lets just say i'm doing fine
sure, i'm doing fine
sitting in my glass house
some guy tried to rub up against me
in a crowded subway car
some guy tried to feed me some stupid line
in some stupid bar
I see the same shit everyday
the landscape looks so bleak
I think I'll take the first one of you's home
that does something unique
some chick says
thank you for saying all the things I never do
I say
the thanks I get is to take all the shit for you
it's nice that you listen
it'd be nicer if you joined in
as long as you play their game girl
you're never going to win
today I just want someone to entertain me
I'm tired of being so fierce
I'm tired of being so friendly
you don't have to be a supermodel
to do the animal thing
you don't have to be a supergenius
to open your face up and sing
somebody do something
anything soon
I know I can't be the only
whatever I am in the room
so why am I so lonely?
why am I so tired?
I need company
I need backup
cold and drizzly night in chicago's deep dish
fluorescent light of the bathroom
shows my hands as they are
see an eyelash on my cheek
pick it off and make a wish
and walk back out into the bar
wind at the windows
neon lights the patterned pane
the waitress wields the weight
of her tray around her palm
the doorman cups his hand
and lights his cigarette again
and the rain marches on
this is only a possibility in a world of possibilities
there are obviously there are many possibilities
ranging from small to large
before long there will be short
before short there was nothing
when there was nothing
tehere was always the possibility
of something becoming what it is
don't even bother trying
to say something clever
clever is as clever does
no matter what it says
i'm looking for a sign
says you're for real this time
but i don't trust what's in your head
i walk up to the bar
and point to the top shelf
and then i throw my head back
and laugh at myself
i raise a toast to all our saviors
each so badly behaved
it's too bad that tehir world
is the one that they saved
there's a spider spinning cobwebs
from your elbow to the table
while my eyes ride the crowd
in a secret rodeo
i smile with my mouth
lift my watch up to the light
say oh, look, i have to go
now you got to dance with me, now is when
it's gotta be
cuz i can't wait for the dance floor to fill in
if you want to dance with me, i'll show you
how it's gonna be
One, two
One, two, three, four
Well, the heat is so great
It plays tricks with the eye
It turns the road into water
And then from water to sky
And there's a crack in the concrete floor
And it starts at the sink
There's a bathroom in a gas station
And I've locked myself in it to think
And back in the city
The sun bakes the trash on the curb
The men are pissing in doorways
And the rats are running in herds
And I got a dream with your face in it
That scares me awake
I put too much on the table
Now I got too much at stake
And I might let you off easy
Yeah, I might lead you on
I might wait for you to look for me
And then I might be gone
There's where I come from and where I'm going
And I am lost in between
I might go up to that phone booth
And leave a veiled invitation on your machine
And you'll stop me, won't you
If you've heard this one before
The one where I surprise you
By showing up at your front door
Saying let's not ask what's next or how, or why?
I am leaving in the morning, so let's not be shy
I'll be shy
The door opens, the room winces
The housekeeper comes in without a warning
I squint at the muscular motel light
And say, "Hey, good morning"
As she jumps her keys jingle
And she leaves as quickly as she came in
And I roll over and taste the pillow with my grin
Well, the sheets are twisted and damp
But the heat is so great
And I swear I can feel the mattress
Sinking underneath your weight
Oh, sleep is like a fever
And I'm glad when it ends
And the road flows like a river
And it pulls me around every bend
And you'll stop me, won't you
If you've heard this one before
Or the one where I surprise you
By showing up at your front door
Saying let's not ask what's next or how, or why?
I am leaving in the morning, so let's not be shy
I'll be shy
Oh, shy
Well, the heat is so great
It plays tricks with the eye
It turns the road into water
And then from water to sky
And there's a crack in the concrete floor
And it starts at the sink
There's a bathroom in a gas station
And I've locked myself in it to think
And you'll stop me, won't you
If you've heard this one before
Or the one where I surprise you
By showing up at your front door
Saying let's not ask what's next or how, or why?
I am leaving in the morning so let's not be shy
And you'll stop me, won't you
If you've heard this one before
Or the one where I surprise you
By showing up at your front door
Saying let's not ask what's next or how, or why?
I am leaving in the morning so let's not be shy
I'll be shy
Buildings and bridges
are made to bend in the wind
to withstand the world,
that's what it takes
All that steel and stone
is no match for the air, my friend
what doesn't bend breaks
what doesn't bend breaks
we are made to bleed
and scab and heal and bleed again
and turn every scar into a joke
we are made to fight
and fuck and talk and fight again
and sit around and laugh until we choke
sit around and laugh until we choke
I don't know who you were expecting
probably some bitch who does not budge
with eyes the size of snow
I may get pissed off sometimes
but you seem like the type to hold a grudge
and in the end, I just let go...
Buildings and bridges
are made to bend in the wind
to withstand the world,
that's what it takes
All that steel and stone
is no match for the air, my friend
what doesn't bend breaks
you could always hear the rub squeaking
of those two tree limbs
'til one day one of them came down
taken down by the wind
but on the one that's still there
you can still see where the bark was
rubbed bare
it's a metaphor if you know what I mean
how have you been?
me and you
and your girlfriend makes three
in the interest of even numbers
I will make myself scarce
I will make myself scarcely me
but I'll be outside your window at night
pull up your shades
leave on your light
I don't want to come in between
I just want to know
how have you been
I leave for a living
music's just something I do
on my way out the door
and I'd do almost anything once
something about you
I think I'd do you more
if I had my way I'd stay here
and watch your hair grow for a while
it makes me smile just to dream of it
You give me that look that's like laughing
with liquid in your mouth
like you're choosing between choking
and spitting it all out
like you're trying to fight gravity
on a planet that insists
that love is like falling
and falling is like this
Feels like reckless driving when we're talking
It's fun while it lasts, and it's faster than walking
But no one's going to sympathize when we crash
They'll say "you hit what you head for, you get what you ask"
and we'll say we didn't know, we didn't even try
one minute there was road beneath us, the next just sky
I'm sorry I can't help you, I cannot keep you safe
I'm sorry I can't help myself, so don't look at me that way
we can't fight gravity on a planet that insists
that love is like falling
I always escape where I have been.
I leave you looking for my face,
Wondering what it was you've seen
Down the long dark hallway in flight heading back from which I came.
I am a creature of the night and silver ingrid is my name.
Silver ingrid be my teacher, show me laughter laced with love.
Tell my theories of the wind song on the wings of a dove.
Silver ingrid, be my teacher, show me laughter laced with love.
I know so many white people
I mean, where do I start?
the trouble with white people
is you can't tell them apart
I'm so bad with names and dates and times
but I'm big on faces
that is, except for mine
I believe you when you tell me
we've met before
this time you've got my interest
this time you've got the floor
why don't you go and tell me something
I don't already know
give me something to remember you by
when you go
I eat too much
I laugh too long
maybe I'll like too much of you
when I'm gone
let's go over to the window
and sit in the neon light
let's go out walking
you know, it's garbage night
let's go down to the east river
and throw something in
something we can't live without
and then let's start again
the more you talk
the more I get
the sense of something
that hasn't happened yet
the more you talk
the more I want to know
the way I'll remember you
when I go
I eat too much
I laugh too long
maybe I'll like too much of you
when I'm gone
I am so many white people
I mean where do I start
they've got lots of personalities
I just can't tell them apart
and I never remember anything
except for those things
which I never forget you know
there's no in between
I'm big on your face
yeah it's big in my mind
you're like the rest of the human race
my lipstick
jumped ship
to a styrofoam cup
with the coffee gone
the conversation strong
all I got left to give
baby, is up
but sentiments like shadows grow
oh so long
guess I gotta go
don't get up
don't cry
it's really very simple
just kiss my cheek and say goodbye
I never really go anywhere anyway
I just pass through from time to time
bye bye baby
baby bye bye
maybe I'll see you
next time I'm in town
maybe when I'm through
falling off the face of the earth
I'll come back around
you know I love to come back around
ten hours of driving
will make your mind
kind of numb
but it's better than
ten dollars an hour
slamming a hammer on my thumb
and it's better than
five dollars an hour
selling people shit
I wouldn't buy myself
at least at the end of the day
I'm always somewhere else
bye bye baby
baby bye bye
maybe I'll see you
next time I'm in town
maybe when I'm through
falling off the face of the earth
I'll come back around
How come I can pick my ears
but not my nose
who made up that rule anyway
how can you say that's the way it is
that's just the way it goes
why don't you decide for yourself
what you can do
and what you can say
how come I can pick my friends
but not my enemies
what is it about me that offends
what is it about me
'cause you know I'm only five foot two
and I'm giggly wiggly
tell me again, what did I do
why are you scared of me
I fight with love
and I laugh with rage
you've gotta live light enough
to see the humour
and long enough to see some change
I think shy is boring
I think depressed is too
I think pretty is nice
but I'd rather see something new
all these plastic people
got their plastic surgery
but we got a big big beautiful
we got it for free
who you gonna be
if you can't be yourself
you can't get it from t.v.
you can't force it on
anybody else
you know they come to clear cut
they come to strip mine
they come for some of my big butt
my big brain
or just a little time
they wanna take me out to dinner
think I'm a bitch if I don't go
seems like the people who actually like me
won't allow me to say no
your idea of a conversation
is the third degree
but I don't really know you
and I don't really want to talk about me
'cause I'm not going to pretend
that I don't pick my nose
that's just the way it is, my friends
that's just the way it goes
this is who I am
what I do
and what I say
if you like it, let it be
if you don't, please do the same
I fight with love
I laugh with rage
you gotta live light enough to see the humour
I'm still here because
I've got nothing else to do
you're an asshole
but I'm getting used to you
I like the fact that
you talk incessantly
I got a thing for assholes
who tell good stories
I think that drinking
is the only thing that you do right
you're gonna self-destruct
I think that's what I like
you like me so you try and make me
feel like shit
I think it's kind of funny yeah
I kind of enjoy it
if you're gonna do it, overdo it
that's how you know you're alive
go ahead, take yourself a coma nap
take a puddle dive
you said, this is my bedroom window
you said, this is my view
you said, lie down here with me
and see the things that I do
like you were trying to tell me something
about the way you live
like you would give me something
if you had something to give
and for all your talk
you don't say much that's real
I think I know more than you
about the way that you feel
I understand your anger
and your apathy
I think if I was you,
you're who I'd be
I'm still here
'cause I got nothing else to do
you're an asshole but
I'm getting used to you
I could love you, yeah
I've entertained the thought
but I could never like you
sitting in the boardroom
the I'm-so-bored room
listening to the suits
talk about their world
they can make straight lines
out of almost anything
except for the line
of my upper lip when it curls
dressed in my best greasy skin
and squinty eyes
I'm the only part of summer here
that made it inside
in the air-conditioned building
decorated with coporate flair
I wonder
can these boys smell me bleeding
though my underwear
there's men wearing the blood
of the women they love
there's white wearing the blood of the brown
but every woman learns to bleed from the moon
and we bleed to renew life
every time it's cut down
I got my vertebrae all stacked up
as high as they go
I but I still feel myself sliding
from the earth that I know
so I excuse myself and leave the room
say my period came early
but it's not a minute too soon
I go and find the only other woman on the floor
is the secretary sitting at the desk by the door
I ask her if she's got a tampon I could use
she says
oh honey, what a hassle for you
sure I do
you know I do
I say
it ain't no hassle, no, it ain't no mess
right now it's the only power
that I possess
these businessmen got the money
they got the instruments of death
But I can make life
I can make breath
sitting in the boardroom
the I'm-so-bored room
listening to the suits talk about their world
I didn't really have much to say
the whole time I was there
so I just left a big brown bloodstain
state trooper thinks I drive too fast
pulled me over to tell me so
I say out here on the prarie
any speed is too slow
I miss brooklyn I miss my crew
let's start over
I missed my cue
guess I just forgot
who I was talking to
I should have recognized
that fierce look in his eyes
I've seen it in the mirror
so many times
he's going to put his two cents in
'cause he's got a gun
but I'm gonna put in three
'cause history owes me one
guess I came out here to see some
stuff for myself
I mean, why leave the telling
up to everybody else
this may be god's country
but it's my country too
move over mr. holiness
and let the little people through
thank you for serving and protecting
the likes of me
thank you for the ticket
now can I leave?
you know I have left everywhere
I have ever been
I don't really recommend it
though not like anyone asked me
maybe you and I
will meet again someday
I've been known to
come down this road
call it destiny
and then again
maybe not
I'm not hurting anyone
I'm just telling my truth
and if there
if there is something wrong
then maybe
there's something wrong with you
what's the big deal
get over it
relax
just 'cause I do up in your face
what other people do behind your back
why we all gotta look
gotta act the same
I say
if you're born a lion
don't bother trying to act tame
everything I do
I do for the first time
I got a big crush on you
and it's crushing my mind
can I follow you home
and listen to you think
leave my lip prints on your cups
leave my hairs in your sink
they think I'm out there
out there living on the fringe
well
this is my world
and I invited them in
they should try living
by my rules for a day
nobody would die
there'd be lots of stuff to say
I'm not hurting anyone
Susan is a connotation
At less than arms length
She has the strength of an opinion
Her promises are like the night overcast
Like the stars she doesn't show
And when she does, she doesn't last
You can see her goodness
Like her breath on a window pane
And then she turns her head
And it is gone again
And while I'm left waiting
She'll wax and she'll wane
And maybe she'll come here again
And susan was at the other end of the line
And she received me just in time
And I lean to her like a preference of mine
Like a reference to friendship
She defined my time
Now I'm waiting for susan
I don't know where I am in line
I'm waiting for susan
On the underside of your salutation
I can hear you turning inward
Hello is such a thin word
You're going to have to hide doubletime from me
'cause I read our poetry, and I can see when it doesn't rhyme
You said you either wanted me home
Or you wanted to be alone[? ]
Or you wanted to be alone
And I felt you decide
I have heard all the words you hold inside
We were knitted like yarn
In the morning you were the snooze button on my alarm
And now goodnight is just the gesture of an arm
Well I think I understand
But I don't think I agree
Sometimes I want to amend
And sometimes I just want to be free
If we can try forgiving
If we can try to go on living
Like some kind of amateur team
Anyone can see that love
Is waiting u s more than m e
That's for me
The subway car smells like an animal's cage
And don't you feel like the captain riding in a rage
Oh the city's sweet as cider...sours with age
The toss between fear and freedom
Looking for a familiar sign
And the man sitting next to you says "hey baby, can you spare a dime? "
Oh the city's sweet as cider... sours in time
You turn to see his pants from 1965 with the holes in the pockets
And the fly open wide
And just when he starts to make you nervous, suddenly he starts to cry
Oh the city's sweet as cider...passes some people by
And on the other side of the darkness
Where the tunnel closes inside
You can only come out even in this town
But girl, you have come out alright
Oh the city's sweet as cider...isn't sweet at night
she was hungry
so hungry
she was trying to think clear
she kept opening the fridge door
staring at the mustard and the beer
then finally she went out into the rain
carrying her bicycle chain
and her feet were the pedals
while her appetite steered
and after that she just followed her nose
and fate is not just
whose cooking smells good
but which way the wind blows
she lay down in her party dress
and never got up
needless to say
she missed the party
she just got sad
then she got stuck
she was bending
like something brittle
trying hard to bend
she was numb
with the terror
of losing her best friend
we never see things changing
we only see them ending
and some vicious whispering voice kept saying
you have no choice
you have....
'cause when I look at you I squint
you are that beautiful
and my pussy is a tractor
and this is a tractor pull
and I am haunted
by my illicit exquisite dream
but I can't really wake up
so I just drift in between
thinking the glass is half-empty
and thinking it's not quite full
the pouring rain is no place for a bicycle ride
try to hit the brakes and you slide
slide
slide
slide
the pouring rain is no place for a bicycle ride
try to hit the brakes and you
slide
slide
slide
slide
slide
slide
slide
slide
he caresses every bottle
like it's the first one he's had
saying
it ain't love
but it ain't bad
it's the only reward
bestowed upon me
and I have served faithfully
I can see he is scarred
from doing some hard time
but I let alone what is broken
'cause it isn't mine
he strikes out at me
when I am within reach
then he reaches for me
when I draw the line
sometimes it seems like love
is just a fancy word for compromise
you gotta read between the years
you gotta write between the lines
you gotta try to understand
the grandness of the man behind the petty crimes
and let him off easy sometimes
I have only just met
an old old friend
we've been walking around holding hands
I hope some day he can bend
as far as it takes to understand
I'll be your biggest fan, I will be your fool
I'll be your exception to every rule
and I ain't the type to bitch
I ain't the type to cry
I'll sit at your red light
and wait for your ship to go by
and this vague little smile is my all-purpose expression
the meaning of which I will leave to your discretion
yeah my distraction is my defense against this lack of inspiration
against this slowly deflation
yeah the further the horizon you know the more it warps my gaze
the foreground's out of focus but you know I kinda hope it's
just a phase, just a phase
just a phase, just a phase
just a phase, just a phase
just a phase
I've been through and through this, I know just how it goes
you'll have no idea, you'll have no need to know
I will make your body grow wings and take flight
I will erase sound, I will erase light
I said this vague little smile is my all-purpose expression
the meaning of which I will leave to your discretion
yes my distraction is my defense against this lack of inspiration
against this slowly deflation
yeah the further the horizon the more it warps my gaze
and the foreground's out of focus but you know I kinda hope it's
just a phase, just a phase
just a phase, just a phase
just a phase, just a phase
your body
forshortened below your shoulders
your face so close it's out of focus
way down the hallway
comes the sound of your shoes
this is when I think about when I think about you
if we let our love off of it's leash
do you fear like I fear how fierce it would be?
your headlights sweepin'
across my ceiling
the breath of my smile
the depth of my feeling
way down in my dark light of shadows
your life with sharp things that glow
this is what I think about when I think about you
if we let our love off of its leash
do you fear like I fear how fierce it would be?
oh my my
oh my my
oh my my
oh my my
oh my my
oh my my
oh my my
Girl, what are you gonna do with this time?
You are on your own with a question on your mind.
Ain't it a funny thing to accept that you are the worst company that you have ever kept?
What are you gonna do?
You are living all alone, there's no place to go out to and no reason to come home.
And oh, it's so ironic, you the girl with all the friends
Just sitting in such solitude trying desperately to mend.
And suddenly the four walls start closing in around.
The daily defenses are all falling down.
What are you gonna do?
You are living all alone, there's no place to go out to and no reason to come home.
And you just can't seem to follow through with anything that you start to do.
You leave the television talking to the empty air.
You leave your plate half full and you comb half your hair.
What are you gonna do?
you think I wouldn't have him
unless I could have him by the balls
you think I just dish it out
you don't think I take it at all
you think I am stronger
you think I walk taller than the rest
you think I'm usually wearing the pants
just 'cause I rarely wear a dress
well...
when you look at me
you see my purpose,
see my pride
you think I just saddle up my anger
and ride and ride and ride
you think I stand so firm
you think I sit so high on my trusty steed
let me tell you
I'm usually face down on the ground
when there's a stampede
I'm no heroine
at least, not last time I checked
I'm too easy to roll over
I'm too easy to wreck
I just write about
what I should have done
I just sing
what I wish I could say
and hope somewhere
some woman hears my music
and it helps her through her day
'cause some guy designed
these shoes I use to walk around
some big man's business turns a profit
every time I lay my money down
some guy designed the room I'm standing in
another built it with his own tools
who says I like right angles?
these are not my laws
there are not my rules
I'm no heroine
I still answer to the other half of the race
I don't fool myself
like I fool you
I don't have the power
I'm okay
if you get me at a good angle
and you're okay
in the sort of light
and we don't look
like pages from a magazine
but that's all right
that's all right
I crashed your pickup truck
and then I had to drive it back home
I was crying
I was so scared
of what you would do
of what you would say
but you just started laughing
so I started laughing along
saying, it looks a little rough
but it runs okay
it looks a little rough
but it runs good anyway
we get a little further from perfection
each year on the road
I guess that's what they call character
I guess that's just the way it goes
better to be dusty than polished
like some store window mannequin
why don't you tocuh me where I'm rusty
let me stain your hands
when you're pretty as a picture
they pound down your door
but I've been offered love
in two dimensions before
and I know that it's not all
it's made out to be
let's show them how it's done
guess there's something wrong with me
guess I don't fit in
no one wants to touch it
no one knows where to begin
I've got more than one membership
to more than one club
and I owe my life
to the people that I love
he looks me up and down
like he knows what time it is
like he's got my number
like he thinks it's his
he says,
call me, Miss DiFranco,
if there's anything I can do
I say,
It's Mr. DiFranco to you
somedays the line I walk
turns out to be straight
other days the line tends to
deviate
I've got no criteria for sex or race
I just want to hear your voice
I just want to see your face
She looks me up and down
like she thinks that I'll mature
like she's got my number
like it belongs to her
she says,
call me, Ms. DiFranco
if there's anything I can do
I say, I've got spots
I've got
stripes, too
their eyes are all asking
are you in, or are you out
and I think, oh man,
what is this about?
tonight you can't put me
up on any shelf
'cause I came here alone
I'm gonna leave by myself
I just want to show you
the way that I feel
and when I get tired
you can take the wheel
to me what's more important
is the person that I bring
not just getting to the same restaraunt
and eating the same thing
guess there's something wrong with me
guess I don't fit in
no one wants to touch it
no one knows where to begin
I've more than one membership
to more than one club
you wander into the forest
following that shiny red ball
and by the time you looked up
you were lost, that's not all
instead of being the hero boy
he finds his way and emerges a man
you just start cutting me down tree by tree
as fast as you can
oh say can you see me
oh say can you see me
oh say can you see me
over here, over here
you want me to tell you a story
but I am weary of entertaining
I'll have more to say when I'm happy
'course then I'll have less to say
'cause there's no me left for me
no anecdotal term of ? here
no wild adventures, except in darkness
so dark, I'd rather not say
oh say can you see me
oh say can you see me
oh say can you see me
I am wading through the waters wanting you.
I don't dare look cause I'll see right through.
I tried to warm myself to sleep, but now I'm wading way too deep.
I can't scream my sirens any higher, cause I'm bound to find a fire.
I can smell your closeness though you hide in your tower
The peasant boy playing with the princess of power.
And out of the struggle of your isolation, comes a redemption of innocence by association.
I can't scream my sirens any higher, cause I'm bound to find a fire.
So I will play your game, cause it's my game too.
A stranger's arithmetic where one and one don't make two.
I can sense a softness there, can you imagine the lifelessness that we could share.
For lee I'm cement, but behind the buttons on my blouse
My heart is bent between fair weather and a woman who may never be.
A woman who would be me.
Or the smell of women with a recipe.
All those voices stirring jealousy into the sounds cooking in me.
Well, I lost five seconds to the powers that be.
And then a man, some man defined chronologically.
Wet in my mind, dripping into the rest of me.
For your desire distorts, disguises what comes naturally.
Oh, and soft smells from apartment two and some farm outside.
My body brings it's smells to what it's tried.
And some hair is healthy, but all hair is dead.
And I think that's what it's like in my head.
For lee I'm cement, but behind the buttons on my blouse
it was good
good to see you again
good to meet your girlfriend
I'll try not to wonder where you are
when you go outside to kiss her
in the front seat of your car
it is good
good to be back home
how I missed this time zone
strangers are exciting
their mystery never ends
but there's nothing like looking at your own history
in the faces of your friends
and it's bad
to have eyes like neon signs
flashing open open open
open open open open open
open all the time
and it's bad
that I wrapped you in a fantasy
and I carry you with me
but lately it seems like everybody's
joined at the hip
and I'm still fancy
I'm so fancy
fancy free
sometimes the beauty is easy
sometimes you don't have to try at all
sometimes you can hear the wind blow in a handshake
sometimes there's poetry written right
on the bathroom wall
and it's bad
that I took that second look
I guess I'm an open book
you know I didn't really intend
to embrace you that long
but then again I wasn't the only one
Things can't get much weirder
This can't get much worse
Don't know why you wouldn't kiss me
But it's a good thing I asked you first.
You were a big strapping boy with a boner.
Yeah I felt it when you hugged me goodbye
You gave me an evening I'll never forget
No matter how hard I try.
Yeah you were just mister flirtatious
All night just workin' that ass
Well you know it's uncool to bring it to school
If you don't want to share with the class
I am just Mrs. Embarrassed
I feel like a dirty old man
I've got my eye on a guy
That just moved out of mom's house
With his pretty head stuck in the sand
You've earned yourself a place in my memory
By being the one who said no
Where are my fucking care keys
I think I'll just go
Surprise surprise now you miss me
Now that I'm not in your face
Surprise surprise now you're calling me
Now that you feel safe
Do you think that I could be your prom date
You could do us a stiff little dance
Except that this isn't high school, baby
And you had your chance
You had your chance
You've earned yourself a place in my memory
By being the one who said no
Now where are my fucking car keys I think I should go
Hey look! car keys... bye!] things can't get much weirder
This can't get much worse
Don't know why you wouldn't kiss me
But it's a good thing I asked you first.
You were a big strapping boy with a boner.
And I felt it in your goodbye
You're leaving I'll never forget
No matter how hard I try
second intermission
anticipation
you know the third act
small talk drops out of the play
you're standing in the lobby
tightening your tourniquet
waiting for it
and then the bell sounds
and the lights flash
and there's all these questions milling around
and there's no time to ask
no bliss for little miss leading
cuz she's learning about bleeding
but what is love if not exquisite
our only saving grace
or is it?
and somewhere inside your iris
blooms the reflection of my surprise
as you stroll past every last do not enter
and touch me at my epicenter
and the bell sounds
and the lights flash
and there's all these questions milling around
and there's no time to ask
I'm always trying to get there
I never really get there
to that quiet place where
I accept myself
instead I'm deep inside some high school
locker room no clothing
popping the zits of my self loathing
under fluorescent lights
and the bell sounds
and the lights flash
and there's all these questions milling around
and you're too ashamed to ask
second intermission
anticipation
you know the third act
small talk drops out of the play
and you're standing in the lobby
tightening your tourniquet
waiting for it
waiting for it
pale purple nipples
goose pimpled
she shivers shifts from a walk to a trot
alone in the city
infested with faces
immune to new friendships
interested in places she's never seen
she says everything is grey here
and nothing is green
the girls from down the street
sixteen, seventeen years old
you can smell them getting pregnant
you can hear their rock and roll
that's america
you have to be tough
like a glad trash bag
the government's an old nag
with a good pedigree
but pedigree's don't help you and me
I see the precedent is grey here
and nothing is green
unless something unforseen happens
I'm surrounded by the haves
they say I can have some too
just because of what I do
do they think a lot
about those who have not
or does it just distract them
from what they do
most of us have grey
except for those who can pay
for green
I'm torn
I'm torn
rejecting outfits offered me
regretting things I've worn
when I was still playing roles
to fill holes
in my conception of who I am
you know, now I understand
it's not important to be defined
it's only important to use your time well
well time is something nobody can buy
and nobody can sell you
so don't let anybody tell you
they have the advantage
because all the grey people can say every day
doesn't mean anything
if your mind is green
pale purple nipples
goose pimpled
she shivers shifts from a walk to a trot
alone in the city
infested with faces
immune to new friendships
interested in places she's never seen
she says everything is grey here
otherwise I'd stay here
but I'm looking for green
I'm imagining your frame
every angle
and every plane
I'm imagining your smell
the one that mingled with mine
once upon a time
thoughts of you
are picketing my brain
they refuse
to work such long hours without rest
in unstable conditions at best
they're out there every day
holding up there signs
and thoughts of no other man but you
could possibly get through
the picket lines
to enter into my mind
I'm imagining your laugh again
the one you save for your family
and your very
close
friends
I'm imagining the way you say my name
I don't know when
I'm going to hear it again
my friends can't tell
my laughter from my cries
someone tell this photograph of you
to let go of my eyes
I'm imagining your frame
I'm imagining your smell
I'm imagining your laugh again
perpetrating counter-culture she is walking through the park
first light ugly and more muscular than the dark
pushing poems at the urban silence
drawing portraits of the passers-by
sitting on the curb
combining traffic sounds
getting dirty looks and dirty jeans
on the dirty ground
she says I can't figure out what kind of life this is
comedy or tragedy I just know it's show biz
and what if I don't agree
with the lines I have to read
they don't pay me enough
the way I see it
freedom and democracy
that's the word from washington every day
the americat's asleep
with warm milk and cliches
and people are expendable along the way
your dollar is dependable
what more can we say
would you like some dog coffee
it's all that we've got
you can have some
you can have not
would you like some dog coffee
it's all that we've got
we're taking care of big business
I am walking
out in the rain
and I am listening to the low moan
of the dial tone again
and I am getting
nowhere with you
and I can't let it go
and I can't get through...
the old woman behind the pink curtains
and the closed door
on the first floor
she's listening through the air shaft
to see how long our swan song can last
and both hands
now use both hands
oh, no don't close your eyes
I am writing
graffitti on your body
I am drawing the story of
how hard we tried
I am watching your chest rise and fall
like the tides of my life,
and the rest of it all
and your bones have been my bedframe
and your flesh has been my pillow
I am waiting for sleep
to offer up the deep
with both hands
in eachother's shadows we grew less and less tall
and eventually our theories couldn't explain it all
and I'm recording our history now on the bedroom wall
and eventually the landlord will come
and paint over it all
and I am walking
out in the rain
and I am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again
and I am getting nowhere with you
and I can't let it go
and I can't get though
So now use both hands
please use both hands
oh, no don't close your eyes
I am writing graffitti on your body
I am drawing the story of how hard we tried
hard we tried
they told you your music
could reach millions
that the choice was up to you
you told me they always
pay for lunch
and they believe in what i do
and i wonder
if you miss your old friends
once you've proven what you're worth
yeah i wonder
when you're a big star
will you miss the earth
and i know you would always want more
i know you would never be done
'cuz everyone is a fucking napoleon
yeah everyone is a fucking napoleon
and the next time
that i saw you
you were larger than life
you came and you conquered
you were doing alright
you had an army
of suits behind you
and all you had to be was willing
and i said i still
make a pretty good living
you must make a killing
a killing
and i hope that you are happy
i hope at least you are having fun
'cuz but everyone is a fucking napoleon
yeah everyone is a fucking napoleon
now you think, so that is
the way it's gonna be
that's what this is all about
i think that that is
the way it always was
you chose not to notice until now
yeah now that there's a problem
you call me up to confide
and you go on for over an hour
'bout each one that took you for a ride
and i guess that you dialed my number
'cuz you thought for sure that i'd agree
i said baby, you know i still love you
but how dare you complain to me
everyone is a fucking napoleon
when I was four years old
they tried to test my I.Q.
they showed me a picture
of 3 oranges and a pear
they said,
which one is different?
it does not belong
they taught me different is wrong
but when I was 13 years old
I woke up one morning
thighs covered in blood
like a war
like a warning
that I live in a breakable takeable body
an ever-increasingly valuable body
that a woman had come in the night to replace me
deface me
see,
my body is borrowed
yeah, I got it on loan
for the time in between my mom and some maggots
I don't need anyone to hold me
I can hold my own
I got highways for stretchmarks
see where I've grown
I sing sometimes
like my life is at stake
'cause you're only as loud
as the noises you make
I'm learning to laugh as hard
as I can listen
'cause silence
is violence
in women and poor people
if more people were screaming then I could relax
but a good brain ain't diddley
if you don't have the facts
we live in a breakable takeable world
an ever available possible world
and we can make music
like we can make do
genius is in a back beat
backseat to nothing if you're dancing
especially something stupid
like I.Q.
for every lie I unlearn
I learn something new
I sing sometimes for the war that I fight
'cause every tool is a weapon -
sleep walking through the all-nite drug store
baptized in fluorescent light
i found religion in the greeting card aisle
now i know hallmark was right
and every pop song on the radio
is suddenly speaking to me
art may imitate life
but life imitates t.v.
'cuz you've been gone exactly two weeks
two weeks and three days
and let's just say that
things look different now
different in so many ways
i used to be a superhero
no one could touch me
not even myself
you are like a phone booth
that i somehow stumbled into
and now look at me
i am just like everybody else
if i was dressed in my best defenses
would you agree to meet me for coffee
if i did my tricks with smoke and mirrors
would you still know which one was me
if i was naked and screaming
on your front lawn
would you turn on the light and come down
screaming, there's the asshole
who did this to me
stripped me of my power
stripped me down
i used to be a superhero
no one could touch me
not even myself
you are like a phone booth
that i somehow stumbled into
and now look at me
i am just like everybody else
yeah you've been gone exactly two weeks
two weeks and three days
and now i'm a different person
different in so many ways
tell me what did you like about me
and don't say my strength and daring
'cuz now i think i'm at your mercy
and it's my first time for this kind of thing
i used to be a superhero
i would swoop down and save me
from myself
but you are like a phone booth
that i somehow stumbled into
and now look at me
i am just like everybody else
(inspired by the WTC disaster)
yes,
us people are just poems
we're 90% metaphor
with a leanness of meaning
approaching hyper-distillation
and once upon a time
we were moonshine
rushing down the throat of a giraffe
yes, rushing down the long hallway
despite what the p.a. announcement says
yes, rushing down the long stairs
with the whiskey of eternity
fermented and distilled
to eighteen minutes
burning down our throats
down the hall
down the stairs
in a building so tall
that it will always be there
yes, it's part of a pair
there on the bow of Noah's ark
the most prestigious couple
just kickin back parked
against a perfectly blue sky
on a morning beatific
in its Indian summer breeze
on the day that America
fell to its knees
after strutting around for a century
without saying thank you
or please
and the shock was subsonic
and the smoke was deafening
between the setup and the punch line
'cause we were all on time for work that day
we all boarded that plane for to fly
and then while the fires were raging
we all climbed up on the windowsill
and then we all held hands
and jumped into the sky
and every borough looked up when it heard the first blast
and then every dumb action movie was summarily surpassed
and the exodus uptown by foot and motorcar
looked more like war than anything I've seen so far
so far
so far
so fierce and ingenious
a poetic specter so far gone
that every jackass newscaster was struck dumb and stumbling
over 'oh my god' and 'this is unbelievable' and on and on
and I'll tell you what, while we're at it
you can keep the pentagon
keep the propaganda
keep each and every TV
that's been trying to convince me
to participate
in some prep school punk's plan to perpetuate retribution
perpetuate retribution
even as the blue toxic smoke of our lesson in retribution
is still hanging in the air
and there's ash on our shoes
and there's ash in our hair
and there's a fine silt on every mantle
from hell's kitchen to Brooklyn
and the streets are full of stories
sudden twists and near misses
and soon every open bar is crammed to the rafters
with tales of narrowly averted disasters
and the whiskey is flowin
like never before
as all over the country
folks just shake their heads
and pour
so here's a toast to all the folks who live in Palestine
Afghanistan
Iraq
El Salvador
here's a toast to the folks living on the pine ridge reservation
under the stone cold gaze of mt. Rushmore
here's a toast to all those nurses and doctors
who daily provide women with a choice
who stand down a threat the size of Oklahoma City
just to listen to a young woman's voice
here's a toast to all the folks on death row right now
awaiting the executioner's guillotine
who are shackled there with dread and can only escape into their heads
to find peace in the form of a dream
'cause take away our playstations
and we are a third world nation
under the thumb of some blue blood royal son
who stole the oval office and that phony election
I mean
it don't take a weatherman
to look around and see the weather
Jeb said he'd deliver Florida, folks
and boy did he ever
and we hold these truths to be self evident:
#1 George W. Bush is not president
#2 America is not a true democracy
#3 the media is not fooling me
'cause I am a poem heeding hyper-distillation
I've got no room for a lie so verbose
I'm looking out over my whole human family
and I'm raising my glass in a toast
here's to our last drink of fossil fuels
let us vow to get off of this sauce
shoo away the swarms of commuter planes
and find that train ticket we lost
'cause once upon a time the line followed the river
and peeked into all the backyards
and the laundry was waving
the graffiti was teasing us
from brick walls and bridges
we were rolling over ridges
through valleys
under stars
I dream of touring like Duke Ellington
in my own railroad car
I dream of waiting on the tall blonde wooden benches
in a grand station aglow with grace
and then standing out on the platform
and feeling the air on my face
give back the night its distant whistle
give the darkness back its soul
give the big oil companies the finger finally
and relearn how to rock-n-roll
yes, the lessons are all around us and a change is waiting there
so it's time to pick through the rubble, clean the streets
and clear the air
get our government to pull its big dick out of the sand
of someone else's desert
put it back in its pants
and quit the hypocritical chants of
freedom forever
'cause when one lone phone rang
in two thousand and one
at ten after nine
on nine one one
which is the number we all called
when that lone phone rang right off the wall
right off our desk and down the long hall
down the long stairs
in a building so tall
that the whole world turned
just to watch it fall
and while we're at it
remember the first time around?
the bomb?
the Ryder truck?
the parking garage?
the princess that didn't even feel the pea?
remember joking around in our apartment on avenue D?
can you imagine how many paper coffee cups would have to change their design
following a fantastical reversal of the New York skyline?!
it was a joke, of course
it was a joke
at the time
and that was just a few years ago
so let the record show
that the FBI was all over that case
that the plot was obvious and in everybody's face
and scoping that scene
religiously
the CIA
or is it KGB?
committing countless crimes against humanity
with this kind of eventuality
as its excuse
for abuse after expensive abuse
and it didn't have a clue
look, another window to see through
way up here
on the 104th floor
look
another key
another door
10% literal
90% metaphor
3000 some poems disguised as people
on an almost too perfect day
must be more than poems
in some asshole's passion play
so now it's your job
and it's my job
to make it that way
to make sure they didn't die in vain
sshhhhhh....
baby listen
thank you
for letting me stay here
thank you for taking me in
thank you
for the beer and the food
thank you
for loaning me bus fare
thank you for showing me around
that was a very kind thing to do
thank you
for the use of the clean towel
thank you for half of your bed
we can sleep here like brother and sister,
you said
but you changed the rules
in an hour or two
and I don't know what you
and your sisters do
but please don't
please stop
this is not my obligation
what does my body have to do
with my gratitude?
look at you
little white lying
for the purpose of justifying
what you're trying to do
I know that you feel my resistance
I know that you heard what I said
otherwise you wouldn't need the excuse
thank you
for letting me stay here
thank you for taking me in
I don't know where else
I would have turned
but I don't come and go
like a pop song
that you can play incessantly
and then foget when it's gone
you can't write me off
and you don't turn me on
so don't change the rules
in an hour or two
I don't know what you and your
sisters do
but please don't
please stop
this is not my obligation
what does my body have to do
squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
and I'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you're going to get hungry
and eat most of the words you just said
both my parents taught me about good will
and I have done well by their names
just the kindness I've lavished on strangers
is more than I can explain
still there's many who've turned out their porch lights
just so I would think they were not home
and hid in the dark of their windows
til I'd passed and left them alone
and god help you if you are an ugly girl
course too pretty is also your doom
cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
for the prettiest girl in the room
and god help you if you are a pheonix
and you dare to rise up from the ash
a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
while you are just flying back
I'm not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and I would like to state for the record
I did everything that I could do
I'm not saying that I'm a saint
I just don't want to live that way
no, I will never be a saint
but I will always say
squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
And I'm beyond your peripheral vision
So you might want to turn your head
Cause someday you might find you're starving
don't ask me why I'm crying
I'm not going to tell you what's wrong
I'm just gonna sit on your lap
for five dollars a song
I want you to pay me for my beauty
I think it's only right
'cause I have been paying for it
all of my life
I'm gonna take the money I make
I'm gonna take the money I make
I'm gonna take the money I make
and I'm gonna go away...
we barely have time to react in this world
let alone rehearse
and I don't think I'm better than you
but I don't think that I'm worse
women learn to be women
and men learn to be men
and I don't blame it all on you
but I don't want to be your friend
I'm gonna take the money I make
I'm gonna take the money I make
I'm gonna take the money I make
and I'm gonna go away...
I was eleven years old
he was as old as my dad
and he took something from me
I didn't even know that I had
so don't tell me about decency
don't tell me about pride
just give me something for my trouble
'cause this time, it's not a free ride
I'm gonna take the money I make
I'm gonna take the money I make
I'm gonna take the money I make
and I'm gonna go away...
don't ask me why I'm crying
I'm not going to tell you what's wrong
I'm just gonna sit on your lap
for five dollars a songs
I want you to pay me for my beauty
I think it's only right
'cause I have been paying for it
all of my life
now I just wanna take
and I'm just gonna take
I'm gonna take
in the jukebox of her memory
the list of names flips by and stops
she closes her eyes
and smiles as the record drops
then she drinks herself up and out
of her kitchen chair
and she dances out of time
as slow as she can sway
for as long as she can say
this dance is mine
this dance is mine
her hair bears silent witness
to the passing of time
tattoos like mile markers
map the distance she has gone
winning some, losing some
she says my sister still calls every sunday night
after the rates go down
and i can never manage to say anything right
my whole life blew up
and now its all coming down
and she says leave me alone
tonight i just wanna stay home
she fills the pot with water
she drops in the bone
she says, i've got a darkness that i have to feed
i've got a sadness
that grows up around me like a weed
and i'm not hurting anyone
i'm just spiraling in
as she closes her eyes
and hears the song begin again
she appreciates the phone calls
the consoling cards and such
she appreciates all the people
who come by and try to pull her back in touch
they try to hold the lid down tightly
and they try to shake well
but the oil and water
just want to separate themselves
she drinks herself up and out of her kitchen chair
and she dances out of time
as slow as she can sway
for as long as she can say
this dance is mine
this dance is mine
who's gonna give a shit
who's gonna take the call
when you find out that the road ahead
is painted on a wall
and you're turned up to top volume
and you're just sitting there in pause
with your feral little secret
scratching at you with its claws
and you're trying hard to figure out
just exactly how you feel
before you end up parked and sobbing
forehead on the steering wheel
who are you now
and who were you then
that you thought somehow
you could just pretend
that you could figure it all out
the mathematics of regret
so it takes two beers to remember now
and five to forget
that i loved you so
yeah, i loved you, so what
how many times undone
can one person be
as they're careening through the facade
of their favorite fantasy
you just close your eyes slowly
like you're waiting for a kiss
and hope some lowly little power
will pull you out of this
but none comes at first
and little comes at all
and when inspiration finally hits you
it barely even breaks your fall
who were you then
and who are you
now that you can't pretend
that you can figure it all out
subtract out the impact
and the fall is all you get
so it takes two beers to remember now
and three more to forget
that i loved you so
yeah, i loved you, so what
i loved you
she was shaking and talking
louder and louder
each sentence was sifted
to a very fine powder
her face was wet and tight
her grip was cold and light
a strong wind could blow you down
I heard myself say
word up sister
a strong wind
could take me away
I said how long have
you been at large
they told me you were stashed
last time I asked
she said I've been out now
for all of three hours
I just resurfaced
and here you are
I must admit
that it has been hard
so far
I said skeletons are fine
your closet or mine
and we took turns recounting
the details of lost time
and when we had both
admitted it all
we threw our heads back
and laughed until we cried
we laughed because the world
is absurd and beautiful and small
there we were
washed up on the curb
as the rush hour traffic
went out with the tide
and I was aware that
with every word spoken and shared
I could see her shaking subside
I said sister looks to me
i'll sing you a song that starts out descriptive
and locates a time and a place
like a dinner table where a whole family
is just sitting down to say grace
an old old song that moves into action
taking its sweet sweet time
and waits until we all say amen
again and again in rhyme
it's the story of a father and a mother
who battle each other over nothin'
with a couple of kids trying to figure
which way the plot's spinning
who's winning and who is bluffing
it's a story as common as a penny, son
it ain't really worth anything to anyone
poor little sore little song
that aches like a muscle each time that it moves
sad little song that you play
and you play and you play
and you play 'til you lose
while history is outside writing a recipe book
for every earthly pain
this song is inside finger painting dark swirls
again and again and they all look the same
cuz what if you come home from school one day
and you find your whole family's at war
and there's this ominous silence just waiting to be broken
and there's secret places for hiding underneath the floorboards
and everyone seems to be bracing
for the subharmonic thunder of the next bomb
and everyone seems to be waiting for the cops to bust in
with their guns drawn
at the bleak light of dawn
it's a story as common as a penny, son
she went over to his apartment
clutching her decision
and he said, did you come here to tell me goodbye?
so she built a skyscraper of procrastination
and then she leaned out the twenty-fifth floor window
of her reply
and she felt like an actress
just reading her lines
when she finally said
yes. it's really goodbye this time
and far below was the blacktop
and the tiny toy cars
and it all fell so fast
and it all fell so far
and she said:
you are a miracle but that is not all
you are also a stiff drink and i am on call
you are a party and i am a school night
and i'm lookin' for my door key
but you are my porch light
and you'll never know, dear
just how much i loved you
you'll probably think this was
just my big excuse
but i stand committed
to a love that came before you
and the fact that i adore you
is but one of my truths
what of the mother
whose house is in flames
and both of her children
are in their beds crying
and she loves them both
with the whole of her heart
but she knows she can only
carry one at a time?
she's choking on the smoke
of unthinkable choices
she is haunted by the voices
of so many desires
she's bent over from the business
of begging forgiveness
while frantically running around
putting out fires
but then what kind of scale
compares the weight of two beauties
the gravity of duties
or the ground speed of joy?
tell me what kind of gauge
can quantify elation?
what kind of equation
could i possibly employ?
and you'll never know, dear
just how much i loved you
you probably think this was
just my big excuse
but i stand committed
to a love that came before you
and the fact that i adore you
is just one of my truths
so i
i'm goin' home
to please the one i so love pleasing
and i don't expect
he'll have much sympathy for my grieving
but i guess that this is the price
that we pay for the privilege
of living for even a day
in a world with so many things
worth believing
if you ask me
i'll say
yes please
to you today
so don't ask me
cuz i'm weak that way
just don't ask me
o.k.
i'm so glad we got that
straightened away
if you see me
walk by
you better just let me
walk by
you better not
bat your pretty eyes
you better not
stop me to say hi
i got a sweet tooth today
so you better not cut that pie
if you ask me
i'll say
yes please
to you today
so don't ask me
cuz i'm weak that way
just don't ask me
tiptoeing through the used condoms
strewn on the piers
off the west side highway
sunset behind the skyline of jersey
walking towards the water
with a fetus holding court in my gut
my body highjacked
my tits swollen
I'm sore
the river has more colors at sunset than my sock drawer ever dreamed of
I could wake up screaming sometimes
but I don't
I could step off the end of this pier
but I've got shit to do
and I've an appointment on tuesday
to shed uninvited blood and tissue
I'll miss you I say to the river
to the water
to the son or
daughter I thought better of
I could fall in love with jersey at sunset
but I leave
the view
to the rats
the sky is grey, the sand is grey, and the ocean is grey. i feel right at
home in this stunning monochrome, alone in my way. i smoke and i drink and
every time i blink i have a tiny dream. but as bad as i am i'm proud of the
fact that i'm worse than i seem. what kind of paradise am i looking for? i've
got everything i want and still i want more. maybe some tiny shiny thing will
wash up on the shore. you walk through my walls like a ghost on tv. you
penetrate me and my little pink heart is on its little brown raft floating out
to sea. and what can i say but i'm wired this way and you're wired to me, and
what can i do but wallow in you unintentionally? what kind of paradise am i
looking for? i've got everything i want and still i want more. maybe some tiny
shiny key will wash up on the shore. regretfully, i guess i've got three
simple things to say. why me? why this now? why this way? overtone's ringing,
undertow's pulling away under a sky that is grey on sand that is grey by an
ocean that's grey. what kind of paradise am i looking for? i've got everything
i want and still i want more. maybe some tiny shiny key will wash up on the
even when i look right at you
i always just see through
and i always just see new things
to admire about you
am i what you thought you were getting?
does this love we make make you proud?
does it look like it did on the menu
minus, of course, the little dark cloud?
'course when we signed up for forever
we had no idea it was in here
i guess always is all this and then some
i guess at least that much is clear
and whenever i look at you
you know, i always just see through
and i always just see new things
she was cuffed to the truth like the truth was a chair with a bright interrogation
light in her eyes. and her conscience with a cigarette just stood there,
waiting for her to crack, waiting for her to cry. they scampered through the
room like a roach across a wall. yeah, they made her skin sore. yeah, they
made her skin crawl. they said, "we got this confession. we just need for
you to sign. why don't you just cooperate? make this easier on us all? make
this easier on us all... just make this easier on us all." there was
light and then there was darkness. and there was no line in between. and asking her heart for
guidance was like pleading with a machine. yeah, cause joy
it has its own justice and my dreams are languid and lawless. and everything
bows to beauty when it is fierce and it is flawless... when it
is fierce... when it is flawless..." on the table were two zip-loc baggies
containing her eyes and her smile. they said we're keeping these as evidence until
this thing goes to trial. meanwhile anguish was fingering solace in another room down the hall.
both were love's accomplices but solace took the fall. now look at her book of
days, it's the same on every page. she's got a little tin cup with her heart
in it to bang along the bars of her rib cage... to bang along the bars of her
rib cage... there was light and then there was darkness. and there was no line
in between. and asking her heart for guidance was like pleading
with a machine. cause joy it has it's own justice and my dreams are made with
all of us. they said "everything bows to beauty when it is fierce and it is
flawless... when it is fierce... when it is flawless..." fierce...
got a garden of songs where i grow all my thoughts
wish i could harvest one or two for some small talk
i'm always starving for words when you're around
nothing on my tongue so much in my ground
half the time i got my gaze trained on your motel door
fourth door from the end
rest of the time my gaze lays like a stain on the carpeted floor
if it weren't for my brain i'd go over and make friends
too bad about my brain 'cause i'd like to make friends.
see the little song bird unable to make a sound
even though she follows her words from town to town
we both have gardens of songs and maybe its okay
the big day has come
the bell is sounding
i run my hands through my hair one last time
outside the prison walls
the town is gathering
people are trading crime for crime
everyone needs to see the prisoner
they need to make it even easier
they see me as a symbol, and not a human being
that way they can kill me
say it's not murder, it's a metaphor
we are killing off our own failure
and starting clean
standing in the gallows
everyone turned my way
i hear a voice ask me
if I've got any last words to say
and i'm looking out over the field of familiar eyes
somewhere in a woman's arms a baby cries
i think guilt and innocence
they are a matter of degree
what might be justice to you
might not be justice to me
i went to far, i'm sorry
i guess now i'm going home
so let any amongst you cast the first stone
now we've got all these complicated machines
so no one person ever has to have blood on their hands
we've got complex organizations
and if everyone just does their job
no one person has to understand
you might be the wrong colour
you might be too poor
justice isn't something just anyone can afford
you might not pull the trigger
you might be out in the car
and you might get a lethal injection
'cause we take a metaphor that far
the big day has come
the bell is sounding
i run my hands through my hair one last time
outside the prison walls
the town has gathered
people are trading crime for crime
people are trading crime for crime
hour follows hour
like water follows water
everything is governed by the rule
of one thing leads to another
you can't really place blame
cuz blame is much to messy
some was bound to get on you
while you were tryin to put it on me
and don't fool yourself
into thinking things are simple
nobody's lying still the stories don't line up
why do you try to hold on
to what you'll never get a hold on
you wouldn't try to put the ocean
in a paper cup
cuz i have had something to prove
as long as i know thers something
that needs improvment
and you know that every time i move
i make a woman's movement
and first you decide
what you've gotta do
then you go out and do it
and maybe the most we can do
then you go out and do it
and maybe the most we can do
is just to see eachother through it
hour follows hour like water in a river
and from one to the next
we don't know what each hour will deliver
we just call it like we see it
call it out loud as we can
and then afterwards we call it all water over the dam
maybe the moral higher ground
ain't as high as it seems
maybe we are both good people
done some bad things
i just hope it was okay
i know it wasn't perfect
i hope in the end we can laugh
and say it was all worth it
cuz i have had something to prove
as long as i know something
that needs improvement
and you know that everytime i move
i make a woman's movement
and first you decide what you've gotta do
then you go out and do it
and maybe the most that we can do
is just to see eachother through it
we make our own gravity to give weight to things
then things fall and they break and gravity sings
we can only hold so much is what i figure
try and keep our eye on the big picture
picture keeps getting bigger
and too much is how i love you
but too well is how i know you
and i've got nothing to prove this time
just something to show you
i guess i just wanted you to see
i wish i didn't have this nervous laugh
i wish i didn't say half the stuff i say
i wish i could just learn to cover my tracks
i guess i'm not concerned about getting away
'cause every time i try to hold my tongue
it slips like a fish from a line
they say if you want to play
you should learn how to play dumb
i guess i can't bring myself to waste your time
'cause we both know what i've been doing
i've been intentionally bad at lying
you're the only boy i ever let see through me
and i hope you beleive me when i say i'm trying
and i hope i never improve my game
yeah i'd rather have these things weighing on my mind
and at the end of this tunnel of guilt and shame
there must be a light of some kind
there must be a light of some kind
i must have blown a fuse or something
cause it was so dark in my mind
she came up to me with the sweetest face
and she was holding a light of some kind
and i still think of you as my boyfriend
i don't think this is the end of the world
but i think maybe you should follow my example
and go meet yourself a really nice girl
'cause we both know. . .
in the end the world comes down to just a few people
but for you it comes down to one
but no one ever asked me if i thought i could be
everything to someone
there's a crowd of people harboured in every person
there are so many roles that we play
and you've decided to love me for eternity
i'm still deciding who i want to be today
I'm gonna turn
and walk away
you can wait
til I am far along
then run and come
and catch my arm
and say you'd die
if I were gone
I want to hear you
call my name
it's too easy
just to say it soft
I don't like my language
watered down
I don't like my edges
rounded off
I can't always wait
for your circumstance to improve
love is loose it
shifts each time you move
go ahead, put my back
against the wall
give it all up
or don't give it to me at all
you never know this could be
our last night
so step back
step back into the light
so I can see your sillouette
I'm not done looking yet
safe the profile for the camera
give me your eye to eye
I know all your secrets
and you know all of mine
mostly I don't go
for the soft focus and the fantasy
I need something real
I can think
and say and see so
I'm going to turn
and walk away
you wait til I am far along
then run and come
and catch my arm
and say you'd die
if I were gone
yes I'm going to turn
and walk away
you can watch me go
I want somebody who sees the pointlessness
and still keeps their purpose in mind
I want somebody who has a tortured soul
some of the time
I want somebody who will either put out for me
or put me out of misery
or maybe just put it all to words
and make me say, you know
I never heard it put that way
make me say, what did you just say?
I want somebody who can hold my interest
hold it and never let it fall
someone who can flatten me with a kiss
that hits like a fist
or a sentence, that stops me like a brick wall
because if you hear me talking
listen to what I'm not saying
if you hear me playing guitar
listen to what I'm not playing
and don't ask me to put words
to all the spaces between notes
in fact if you have to ask, forget it
do and you'll regret it
I'm tired of being the interesting one
I'm tired of heving fun for two
just lay yourself on the line
and I might lay myself down by you
but don't sit behind your eyes
and wait for me to surprise you
I want somebody who can make me
scream until it's funny
give me a run for my money
I want someone who can
twist me up in knots
tell me, for the woman who has everything
what have you got?
I want someone who's not afraid of me
or anyone else
in other words I want someone
who's not afraid of themself
you can't get through it
you can't get over it
you can't get around
just like in a dream
you'll open your mouth to scream
and you won't make a sound
you can't believe your eyes
you can't believe your ears
you can't believe your friends
you can't believe you're here
and you're not gonna get through it
so you are going down
i put a cup out on the window sill
to catch the water as it fell
now i got a glass half full of rain
to measure the time between
when you said you'd come
and when you actually came
little mister limp dick
is up to his old tricks
and thought he'd call me
one last time
but i'm just about done
with the oh-woe-is-me shit
and i want everything back
No no no no no no no no no no no no
No more
No no no no no no no no no no no no
No more
No no no
No more
It's gonna be sudden
It's gonna be strange
I'm gonna turn on a dime
Give you five cents change
It's gonna be long overdue
It's all gonna come out
Outta me, on to you
Outta me, onto you...
One of these days
You're gonna push too hard
We'll go on like we've always done
'Til you go too far
Yeah one of these days
It's gonna reach the top
Then it's gonna start to spill
And it's not gonna stop
Outta me, onto you...
No more...
Some people wear their smile like a disguise
Those people who smile a lot
Watch the eyes
I know it 'cuz I'm like that a lot
You think everything's okay
And it is
'Til it's not
Outta me, onto you...
No more
Some people wear their heart
Up on their sleeve
I wear mine underneath my right pant leg
Strapped to my boot
Don't think cause i'm easy, i'm naive
Don't think I won't pull it out
Don't think I won't shoot
Outta me, onto you...
Most people like to talk a lot
Including you
You know there isn't much I have to say
That I wouldn't rather
Just shut up and do
I'm gonna miss you
When you're gone
Yeah I'm gonna be torn
Just remember that I love you
Just remember you were warned
Outta me, onto you...
No more...
No more
death
has been your lover
he has brought you
the edges of your life
and now you are looking over
and all we can say is
it's gonna be all right
and I am looking forward
to looking back on these days
when on every corner
someone holds a sign
that says I'm homeless
I'm hungry and
I have AIDS
how will they define our generation
in the coming decades
who will tell the story
and what will they say?
will they say the victims
were thought of as criminals
while the guilty sat on high
deciding their fate
ticking off statistics in their spare time
tell me,
which is the crime?
may you never test positive
pregnancy
may you never be the receptacle of blame
may you never be the scapegoat
for a whole
world full of shame
may you never be fighting for your life
and at the same time
have to fight for your name
there are too few who open both eyes
we sit back in our easy chairs
and we try to sympathize
whether from the point of a needle or
the edge of our beds
we too, like too many others,
could be dead
our actions
will define us
before a single definition can be said
yeah, so what if god is testing us
what if that's true
what are you going to do
what is the answer
amazing grace
how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me
i once was lost
but now i'm found
was blind but now i see
'twas grace that taught
my heart to fear
and grace my fears relieved
how precious did
that grace appear
the hour i first believed
through many dangers
toils and snares
i have already come
'twas grace that brought me
safe thus far
and grace will lead me home
and when this heart
and flesh shall fail
and mortal life shall cease
i shall possess
within the vail
tonight you stooped to my level
i am your mangy little whore
you are trying to find your underwear
and then your socks and then the door
and you're trying to find a reason
why you have to leave
i know it's 'cuz you think you're adam
and you think i'm eve
you rhapsodize about beauty
and my eyes glaze
everything that i love is ugly
i mean really, you would be amazed
just do me a favor
it's the least that you can do
just don't treat me like i am
something that happened to you
i am truly sorry about all this
you put a tiny pinprick
in my big red balloon
and as i slowly start to exhale
that's when you leave the room
i did not design this game
i did not name the stakes
i just happen to like apples
and i am not afraid of snakes
i am truly sorry about all this
i envy your ignorance
i hear that it's bliss
so i let go of the ratio
of things said to things heard
and i leave you to your garden
and the beauty you preferred
and i wonder what of this
will have meaning for you
when you've left it all behind
i guess i'll even wonder
if you meant it
i'm losing my love of adventure
i'm losing all respect
for me and myself tonight
i wonder what happens if i get to
the end of this tunnel
and there isn't a light
ive worn down the treads
on all of my tires
i've worn through the elbows
and the knees of my clothing
and i'm stumbling down
the gravel driveway of desire
trying not to wake up
my sleepy self-loathing
do you ever have that dream
when you open your mouth
and you try to scream
but you can't make a sound
that's everyday starting now
that's everyday starting now
dont tell me it's gonna be alright
you can't sell me on your optimism tonight
it's a stiff competition
to see who can stay up later
the stars or the street lights
and all they really want
is to be alone with the darkness
no more wish i may
no more wish i might
it takes a stiff upper lip
just to hold up my face
i gotta suck it up and savor
the taste of my own behavior
i am spinning with longing
faster then a roulette wheel
this is not who i meant to be
this is not how i meant to feel
i don't think i am strong enough
to do this much longer
god, i wish i was stronger
this song could never be long enough
to express every longing
we can touch
touch our girl cheeks
and we can hold hands
like paper dolls
we can try
try eachother on
in the privacy
within new york city's walls
we can kiss
kiss goodnight
and we can go home wondering
what would it be like if
if I did not have a boyfriend
we could spend
the whole night
I am waking up
in her bed
I sing 1st avenue
the open window said
always late to sleep
late to rise
lying here watching the day go by
in the living room
there are people on the carpet
having stupid conversations
just to hear themselves talk
and I am drifting through
I am heading for the kitchen
she sat there like a photograph
of someone much further away
we shared a brief bus stop
on one of those inbetween days
she gave me her smile
and I looked underneath
at the lipstick on her teeth
she asked me for a light
and if I thought her hair looked okay
we grew out of the small talk
into stuff strangers just don't say
we discovered we are both
pleasently furious half of the time
when we're not just toeing the line
we sat underneath the shelter
as the rain came down outside
the bench was cold
against the underside of our thighs
I said I think we need new responses
each question's a revolving door
and she said, yeah,
my life may not be something special
but it's never been lived before
we decided our urgency will wane
when we grow old
and there will be a new generation of anger
new stories to be told
but I said, I don't know if I can wait
for that peace to be mine
and she said, well, you know,
we've been waiting for this bus
I am evening the score
I am cutting the umbilical cord
curled with my teeth against my knees
I am scratching at my consciousness
like a bitch with fleas
I think you'll be greatly pleased
to learn that yours was the hardest
itch to relieve
this is me
without my hair
welcome to my open stare
I got nothing to hide no more
why disguise what isn't there
I am an eyesore
I am a detour
you can find me crying on
the shoulder of the road
and I will tell you
what you want to hear
before you go
and that is that
yours was the hardest itch to relieve
yours was the hardest itch to relieve
I've mapped out my course
looks like it's all uphill
I've got a heavy heart to carry
but a very strong will
it's just hard to travel
in the shadow
of regret
in fact it's so hard
We all feel the same
All pleasure nothing to gain
I've known you from the start
I've grown used to your wooden heart
Now you know my name
You search your empty brain in vain
If you don't change your ways
You'll end up here with me ungraced
Without you they'll never know
Without you my life won't flow
Without you they'll never show
Without you the night won't go
Without you I'm left alone
Without you I'm on my own
Without you I lay in pain
Without you I've gone insane
Now you must decide
What good's a lie when you've nothing to hide
Maps they'll never show
They're dumb like you, they never know
It's time we said goodbye
Bury your head and silence your cry
Know the feel of pain
Join our world and play our game
Without you they'll never know
Without you my life won't grow
Without you they'll never show
Without you the night won't go
Without you I'm left alone
Without you I'm on my own
Without you my life's a waste
Just for you I wrap my face
Without you I'm left alone
Without you I'm on my own
Without you I lay here in pain
Without you I've gone insane
Whatever you may think of me
Don't ever take my dignity (x4)
Whatever you may do to me
Don't crucify my dignity
You are listening to the phone ringÂ
Like a church bell sounding out the hour.Â
And the ringing cuts the silenceÂ
Like a knife leaving little pieces left of your life.Â
You are watching the night shadows grow tall
Swallowing you in terror like the foot on the wall.Â
Shake me down to the soil of a dream.Â
Take me whole and take me clean.Â
Take me from this reality cold and mean.Â
Cold and mean.Â
I can't answer I can't speak to anyone
Not until I witness the next rising of the sun.Â
It's this darkness it's like a lead weight in my shoe.
I couldn't rise to answer even if I wanted to.Â
Shake me down to the soil of a dream.Â
Take me whole and take me clean.Â
Take me from this reality cold and mean.Â
Shake me down to the soil of a dream.Â
Take me whole and take me clean.
Take me from this reality cold and mean.Â
Shake me down to the soil of a dream.
Take me whole and take me clean.Â
Take me from this reality cold and mean.Â
Cold and mean.
