He-Q: The Rules of Interaction

I’ve been with the same person for seven years now. I’m not claiming to be an expert, but I have learned a few things along the way, some of which may be helpful to others.

I don’t say any of this from a lofty position of smugness because, to be honest, I know I could do with heeding my own advice here. In fact, halfway through writing this list of pick’n’mix tips, I stopped to take my missus breakfast in bed. It is true what they say: happy wife equals happy life.

Make a fuss of her on her birthday. If she says she doesn’t want a fuss, it means she wants a fuss. If in doubt: fuss.

She can pick faults in her family; you can’t. You might both be saying the same thing, but you don’t have the authority to say it. Knowing that will save you many a pointless argument.

Every problem doesn’t have to have an instant solution. That’s Man Thinking. Sometimes she just wants to talk about a problem and know you understand. That’s Woman Thinking.

Make an effort: leave the toilet seat down; change for dinner; pick your boxers off the floor. Don’t be selfish. If you’re making yourself a sandwich, ask if she wants one. It’s the little things.

She can decorate the place and make everything a whiter shade of pale if she likes (just put your foot down on pink). But the deal is you then get to choose all the electronics. However, when she says that TV is too big, she’s right.

Say "I love you" to each other every day. You both need to hear that. Hold hands in public. But no tongues. Eat dinner at the table once in a while. Talk about your respective days. Talk about anything. Just talk.

Don’t let her come between you and your friends. It’s even possible to make your friends hers too, but they’ll always be mainly yours. Maintain some semblance of independence. It’s called the Boys’ Night Out — a once-a-month free pass to drink, swear, shout, expel gas and suffer an I’m-never-drinking again hangover with impunity.

There has to be give and take. If she makes you watch Sex and the City 2 or have dinner with her freaky cousin, that’s a FUN credit in the bank for you to redeem as you wish. (Remember, FUN credits work both ways.)

If you can’t handle the freaky cousin, develop an impossible to- disprove medical condition, such as migraines or a bad back, as a Get Out of Jail card. Do not overplay it, lest any telltale behavioural pattern be discerned. It should be a last resort.

Arguing is normal — arguably healthy, even. Don’t bottle things up. But no swearing or threats. That’s a line you never cross. Sorry doesn’t have to be the hardest word. Just say it. And no "sorry but…" Simply say sorry and shut up. The next word should be hers. The last shouldn’t always be yours. Shoosh.

Never let the sun set on an argument. You’ll sleep like crap, wake up feeling crap and go to work feeling crap. Enjoy the make-up sex. At least something good can come out of the  bad.

Tell her she’s hot. Make an effort to stay attractive for her. Don’t let complacency go to your gut. Repeat after me: none of her friends are "hot" — even if they unquestionably are. They’re "kind of pretty, I guess".

Don’t get caught in the Web. Naughty bookmarks are difficult to explain away. Click on 'Clear History'. Or you could be history.

Don’t fall for the much-touted idea that honesty is always the best policy. There are some things it’s just not helpful for her to know. If the truth hurts her, consider whether that truth ought to be told.

Book a surprise weekend away every year. Get her best friend in on the act to help. This will do your reputation no harm. Don’t sleep on the couch or in the spare room. It’s your place too. She wouldn’t, that’s for damn sure.

Don’t get a dog until you’re prepared to do most of the walking, feeding and cleaning up. I’m told it’s good practice for a baby. (We haven’t got there yet.)

Learn what her dad drinks and take him a bottle when you visit. Remember her mum’s and best friend’s birthdays. They’re allies you need to keep close. But don’t go overboard wooing them — that would be weird.

Trust her: jealousy is corrosive, self-confidence is sexy. Don’t give her reasons for mistrust. Remember: there’s no such thing as harmless flirting. Pay for house bills out of a joint account. You shouldn’t have to pay for it all. This isn’t the ’70s. Learn how the washing machine and dishwasher work. Do your fair share. There’s no such thing as Woman’s Work. This isn’t the ’70s.

It’s your job to put the bins out, dispose of vermin and fix stuff. (There is such a thing as Man’s Work, apparently.) Use this double standard to your advantage. God knows you could do with having the moral high ground once in a while.

Find a TV series box-set you both love (we chose The Wire). Then, over the next few months, watch every episode together. Go to bed at the same time. Learn to spoon. Take her breakfast in bed once in a while. You’ll be able to dine off that for days.

Make every Wednesday date night. Dinner; the cinema; a picnic at home curled up on the sofa in front of that box-set. Doesn’t matter, as long as it’s time set aside for the two of you. And McNulty from The Wire.

Send flowers, but never to the house. That’s a wasted chance to make you look good to her work friends. Flowers are expensive. Extract the maximum value.

Don’t take your relationship for granted. Sounds glib, but it’s the most important rule of all.

Good luck.