Bottom Live 2003: Weapons Grade Y-Fronts Tour (2003)

Actors

• Rik Mayall (actor)
• Rik Mayall (writer)
• Adrian Edmondson (actor)
• Adrian Edmondson (writer)
• Helen Parker (producer)
• Phil McIntyre (producer)
• Dewi Humphreys (director)
• Emma Feast (producer)

Genres

• Comedy

Quotes:

Richie: What is the bright side of having a sofa up your arse?::Eddie: You can sit down while you stand up.

Eddie: Bastard! Bastard bastard bastard. Stupid stupid bastard. you stupid stupid bastard. Stupid bastard arse! You arse! You stupid arse bastard. you stupid arse, bollock bastard, nipple, wank, turd! Why won't this ducking toaster work!

Richie: Oh that reminds me. Eddie, the kitchen sink... Have you got a plunger?::Eddie: Certainly have. That's what all the ladies say.

Eddie: [Whilst Richie is having his waste sucked out of his body] [laughing] Hey, who could have known you could be so full of shit!

The Way It Is (2000)

Actors

• Sanjeev Bhaskar (actor)
• Jon Plowman (producer)
• Nina Wadia (actress)
• Tracy-Ann Oberman (actress)
• Simon Blackwell (writer)
• Andy Hurst (writer)
• Alex Walsh-Taylor (producer)
• Danny Robins (writer)
• Chris Pavlo (actor)
• Dave Lamb (actor)
• Dan Tetsell (writer)
• Anil Gupta (producer)
• Simon Evans (writer)
• Simon Evans (actor)
• Laura Shavin (actress)

Genres

Bottom Live 3: Hooligan's Island (1997)

Actors

• Rik Mayall (producer)
• Rik Mayall (actor)
• Rik Mayall (writer)
• Adrian Edmondson (actor)
• Adrian Edmondson (producer)
• Adrian Edmondson (writer)
• Ed Bye (director)
• Simon Brint (composer)
• Simon Wallace (composer)

Genres

Quotes:

Richie: Eddie, we are a specialty act. We do not do impressions. You lower the whole tone. The disappearing rabbits were a nightmare.::Eddie: They disappeared.::Richie: Yeah, cos you threw them in to the fuckin' audience.::Eddie: Hey, they reappeared.::Richie: Yeah, they fuckin' threw them back.

Richie: We were not so much a two hour diversion than a twenty-four hour pitch battle in the main dining room area. We were awful.::Eddie: Oh come on. We weren't that bad. We had a great name. 'The Great Arsehole and Norman'.::Richie: [astonished] We weren't that bad,::[pause]::Richie: Norman.

Richie: Well, then, I think it's our duty Eddie, as citizens of the world, yes, but above all as Englishmen, with a song in our hearts and a twinkle in our eye and major league tackle in our M & S Y's, to defuse this bomb.::Eddie: Don't you mean it's our duty as lily-livered yellow-trousered shit-your-pants scared-o girlies, who've just discovered they're sharing a very tiny island with a 15-megaton nuclear device, to defuse this bomb?

Richie: Wait, there's something written on the side. [reads] "Le Danger"..."Le Nuclear Bomb". Shit, it's all in French.

Richie: You're trying to send me mad, aren't you? You're trying to send me round the twist. You're trying to make me lose the plot.::Eddie: Oh, we've got a plot this year, have we?

Richie: You stupid fucking ring-sausage!

Richie: I see your point.::Eddie: Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up! I can see they're up! Oh, I see your point!::Richie: Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up! I can see they're up! Oh, I see your point!::Eddie: Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up! I can see they're up! Oh, I see your point!::Richie: Why? Have my trousers fallen down?::Eddie: Help! Rich! We're stuck in a sort of nob gag Bermuda Triangle!::Richie: Quick! Change routine! Change routine!

[repeated line]::Eddie: Oh look! Knackers!

Eddie: All we have to do now is keep quiet and very still.::Richie: How long for?::Eddie: Until the end of time.::Richie: Righto.

Eddie: I'm also going to fleetingly return to the script, if that's all right with you.

Bottom Live: The Big Number 2 Tour (1995)

Actors

• Rik Mayall (actor)
• Rik Mayall (writer)
• Adrian Edmondson (actor)
• Adrian Edmondson (writer)
• Dominic Brigstocke (director)
• Adam de Wolff (editor)

Genres

• Comedy

Quotes:

Richie: [tries slamming a door shut several times, but it always opens. He points and talks to it] Listen you, you're just a door. I'm Rik fucking Mayall! [slams it shut]

[Eddie with his pistol walks up to the parrot in its cage]::Eddie: I know what you're thinking parrot. You're thinking how many shots did I fire back there in Act 2, Scene 1? Well to tell you the truth in all the excitement of Richie forgetting his fucking lines, I've kind of forgotten myself. So, Parrot, do you feel lucky? Come on, make my day::Parrot: You already fired six you big fat bastard::Eddie: That's right!::[Shoots the parrot six times]::Eddie: But I fucking reloaded!

Eddie: The Queen?::Richie: Yes, and stand up when you say that.::Eddie: [stands up] The Queen?::Richie: Yes, and kneel down when you say that.::Eddie: [kneels down] It's no wonder why she's so fucking unpopular.

Richie: I don't believe it! We've won the Lottery!::Eddie: [returns through the window] We've what?::Richie: Oh you're back aren't you? Oh yes, on sniff of ginger and your knickers are around your ankles::Eddie: Still talking bollocks, that's my twat [pats Richie on the back]::Richie: Is it? What's it doing on my back? It's feeling all sticky!

Richie: What were the charges again?::Eddie: Attempted asphyxiation of the entire population of West London, detonation 400lbs of Semtex under contravention of the Anti-Terrorist act. Attempted regicide, Arson, causing an affray, and wiggling our todgers at the Queen.::Richie: So, its a first offence. I mean talk about Draconian!::Eddie: I can't, I dunno what it means.

Richie: So Eddie, what's the rollover Jackpot figure for this week?::Eddie: One pound.::Richie: ONE BLODDY PPpppppffffff... pound?::Eddie: Yes, you see the fiendish flaw in our masterplan was, that being the only people who read, or have ever read, the Hammersmith Bugle, we were of course the only people who'd buy a fucking Lottery ticket!::Richie: One pound?::Eddie: ...ish. You see, after Admin costs, and a donation to charity, we ctually only come out with 5p. And we've just 10p on the phonecall finding that out.::Richie: So having won, we're now 5 pence down on the deal?::Eddie: Yes that's right, well done.::Richie: Well, its a result Eddie!::Eddie: Yes! yes it's er... it's a crap result!

Eddie: Hey, my Great Uncle was in the Great War::Richie: What do mean 'Great War', there aren't any great wars, they're all frightful::Eddie: Alright he was in the crap war!::Richie: Wow! The crap war! Far out! Which side was he on?::Eddie: Both::Richie: Wow!::Eddie: Well it depended on which diretion he was facing at the time y'know. Had an incy wincy little bit of a drink problem. He took out a machine-gun nest single-handly!::Richie: Did he?::Eddie: But they made him bring it back, he was trying to flog it to the Germans::Richie: Hey, wasn't he the last bloke shot before the Armistace?::Eddie: Yes, that's right. Just fired off a few rounds in celebration but... stupid twat had his gun the wrong way round. Oh, they don't make 'em like Great Uncle Susan anymore.::Richie: That's marvellous stuff Eddie, but, what the fuck's it got to do with anything?

Eddie: Hey! What about plastic surgery?::Richie: It's a cracking idea!::Eddie: Right! I'll go get a plastic knife.

Parrot: Fuck the Queen!::Richie: Who said that?::Parrot: It was me, penis breath!::Richie: [to Eddie] Eddie, have you been teaching the vicar's parrot to swear?::Parrot: What that vicar needs is a good, hard, stiff cock right up his arse!

Bottom Live (1993)

Actors

• Rik Mayall (actor)
• Rik Mayall (writer)
• Adrian Edmondson (actor)
• Adrian Edmondson (writer)
• Marcus Mortimer (director)

Genres

• Comedy

Quotes:

Richard Richard: [after an incident involving a blow-up doll named Monica and some superglue, Richard has, apparently, lost his penis] Ah, Monica. You were the first, and you'll be the last. You took my cherry... right off!

Richard Richard: Eddie I have decided to kill myself because I'm £15,000 in debt!::Edward Hitler: Fucking Hell! A line from the play! I never saw that one coming! We're only an hour into and he's spoken an actual line. Wow!::Richard Richard: Yeah well just shut up and get on with it or else we'll still be here next Thursday. I've had enough of Southampton to last me a life time.

Edward Hitler: Right, so your philosophy is... bollocks?::Richard Richard: Yes!::Edward Hitler: Well that's a great view on life isn't it?::Richard Richard: Oh who cares about views on life, I thought we were talking philosophy?::Edward Hitler: But your philosophy is bollocks::Richard Richard: So let's talk bollocks!::Edward Hitler: BUT THAT'S ALL WE EVER DO!::Richard Richard: So let's do what we always do!::Edward Hitler: Oh god, and so it goes on, day after day, year in year out, slime in this ear, slime in that ear, don't you ever yearn for change? [huge applause from the audience] Alan Rickman eat your heart out! [to Richie] And cue::Richard Richard: [Looks at the audience who seems to have taken Eddie's side] Right. Wanna give me the feedline again in front of all your friends?::Edward Hitler: [Laughs to himself] Yea, sorry. I... I forgot to mention I was actually born in Southampton! It's my only home! [another huge applause]::Richard Richard: Oh Eddie Eddie Eddie you were born in Southampton? Wow! Why did you ever leave?::Edward Hitler: That was a bit below the belt [thinks of a comeback] Because... I found the railway station! [another HUGE applause]::Richard Richard: [to the audience] Stop fucking clapping! [imitates them] Bastards! [to someone in the audience] Especially you! You oughtta fucking jump!::Edward Hitler: That's no way to speak to my mother [to the audeince] Sorry mum

Richard Richard: Good morning world. You Bastard!

Edward Hitler: Richie, no! I told you to never sniff the milk, you crazy, mad fool! [slaps Richie at each cheek repeatedly until he comes conscious] Oh good! [to audience] He's coming round! [punches Richie repeatedly]::Richard Richard: Where am I?::Edward Hitler: It's alright, you're safe at home with me!::Richard Richard: Oh, fuck, give me the milk!::Edward Hitler: No! It's too dangerous! [snatches milk bottle from Richie's hands] JUST SAY NO!::Richard Richard: But I love being unconscious!::Edward Hitler: Very well. [punches Richie]

Caddyshack (1980)

Actors

• Dan Perri (miscellaneous crew)
• Chevy Chase (actor)
• Bill Murray (actor)
• Harold Ramis (director)
• Harold Ramis (writer)
• Rodney Dangerfield (actor)
• Brian Doyle-Murray (actor)
• Brian Doyle-Murray (writer)
• Henry Wilcoxon (actor)
• Michael O'Keefe (actor)
• Ted Knight (actor)
• Jon Peters (producer)
• Albert Salmi (actor)
• Johnny Mandel (composer)
• Hillary Anne Ripps (miscellaneous crew)

Genres

• Comedy
• Sport

Taglines:

At last, a comedy that bites!
Some People Just Don't Belong.
The Snobs Against The Slobs!
Playing A Round Of Golf At The Bushwood Club Isn't Just Confined To The Golf Course!
At last, a comedy with balls!

Quotes:

Al Czervik: Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

Judge Smails: You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.::Ty Webb: Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.

[last lines]::Al Czervik: Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!

[Caddy Danny arrives among the rich in his yachting outfit]::Spalding Smails: Ahoy polloi... where did you come from, a scotch ad?

Ty Webb: Sure thing. Shoot, Timmy.::Danny Noonan: Danny.::Ty Webb: Danny.

Spalding Smails: This is good stuff. I got it from a Negro. You're probably high already and you don't even know it.

Sandy: I want you to kill every gopher on the course!::Carl Spackler: Check me if I'm wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key...::Sandy: Gophers, ya great git! The gophers! The little brown furry rodents!::Carl Spackler: We can do that; we don't even have to have a reason.

Al Czervik: Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? [looks at Judge Smails, who's wearing the same hat] Oh, it looks good on you though.

Al Czervik: Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

Al Czervik: You're a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?

Richards, Richard Filmography

• Catastrophe!
  2009, role: actor , character name: Clyde

• Lyrics: play full screen play karaoke
• Richard - Billy Bragg
• Richard - Bratmobile
• Richard - Maria Solheim
• Richard - Burton Cummings

Richard belongs to Jayne
And Jayne belongs to yesterday
How can I go on
When every alpha particle hides a neon nucleus
Neil belongs to love
And love belongs to no man
How can he go on
When no one answers the adverts in his mind?
There will be parties, there will be fun
There will be prizes for everyone
And hey, hey, hey, here comes Richard
There will be ladies dressed in lace
I just want to see her face
When hey, hey, hey, here comes Richard
You helped me build this bed
But you won't help me sleep in it
When I fall between you and the wall
Our Titanic love affair sails on the morning tide
Our Titanic love affair sails on the morning tide
Our Titanic love affair sails on the morning tide
There will be parties, there will be fun
There will be prizes for everyone
And hey, hey, hey, here comes Richard
There will be ladies dressed in lace
I just want to see her face
When hey, hey, hey, here comes Richard
I really love your style
Did you read it in the 'Look and Learn?'
How long can we go on? Do you think I only love you
Because you sleep with other boys
There will be parties, there will be fun
There will be prizes for everyone
And hey, hey, hey, here comes Richard
There will be ladies dressed in lace
I just want to see her pretty face
When hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey, here comes Richard
Hey, here comes Richard
Hey, here comes Richard

I don't care about you
don't you pretend I do
Talk your shit words
live your life/death
You may have been real
but I'm not sure
I saw you on the bus
I was filled with disgust

Richard my little boy
Bring back the memories
Of how it was
When i was young
Richard my little boy
Bring back the feeling
Of how it was
To sing a new song
I watch an elderly woman on a bench in the park
I see a doll on her lap i can hear her sing out loud
Richard my little boy
Bring back the memories
Of how it was
When i was young
Richard my little friend
Always listen carefully to your heart
In all that you do
Richard my little friend
Take all my words
And build up a world
With letters from them
Years have painted her hair and colored her face
She has lost all her loved ones this park is her
Sacred place
Richard my little friend
Take all my words
And build up a world

Well nobody knows what's happened to Richard
Nobody hears only that day
Nobody knows what's happened to Richard
Hopin' his lucks holdin'
Hopin' he's getting' on okay
Hopin his luck's holdin'
Nobody here even saw him walking away
Everybody 'round here always liked Richard
Everybody 'round here had a kind word to say to the boy
Nobody knows how he fell in with such questionable man
But I'll tell you this
I'll tell you this
Somethin' has gone down
Somethin' has gone down
Hopin' his lucks holdin'
Hopin' he's getting' on
Hopin his luck's holdin'
Nobody here even realized Richard was gone
Spirits have come in pieces I pray
The enemy says that he's lost his way
Spirits have come and in pieces I pray
The enemy says that he's lost his way
Spirits have come and in pieces I pray
The enemy says that he's lost his way
Spirits have come and in pieces I pray
The enemy says that he's lost his way
Lines are holding trust, I say
Tell you we're coming another day
Sprits are coming in pieces I pray
The enemy says that he's lost his way
Well nobody knows what's happened to Richard
Nobody here saw him leave that day
Well nobody knows what's happened to Richard
Hopin' his lucks holdin'
Hopin' he's getting' on okay
Hopin' his lucks holdin'
Nobody here even saw him walking away
Spirits have come in pieces I pray
The enemy says that he's lost his way
Spirits have come and in pieces I pray
The enemy says that he's lost his way
Spirits have come in pieces I pray
The enemy says that he's lost his way
Spirits have come and in pieces I pray
The enemy says that he's lost his way
Lines are holding trust, I say
Tell you we're coming another day
Sprits are coming in pieces I pray
The enemy says that he's lost his way
Nobody knows
Nobody knows
Nobody knows
Nobody knows
Nobody knows
Nobody knows
Nobody knows
Nobody knows
Nobody knows