MRS. LOVETT:
Easy now,
Hush, love, hush,
Don't distress yourself,
What's your rush?
Keep your thoughts
Nice and lush,
Wait.
Hush, love, hush,
Think it through.
Once it bubbles, then
What's to do?
Watch it close.
Let it brew.
Wait.
I've been thinkin' flowers,
Maybe daisies,
To brighten up the room!
Don't you think some flowers,
Pretty daisies,
Might relieve the gloom?
Ah, wait,
Love, wait.
TODD: (spoken) And the judge? When will I get to him?
LOVETT:
Can't you think of nothin' else?
Always broodin' away on your wrongs
what happened heaven knows how many years ago!
Slow, love, slow.
Time's so fast.
Now goes quickly, see
Now it's past!
Soon will come,
Soon will last.
Wait.
Don't you know,
Silly man?
Half the fun is to
Plan the plan!
All good things
Come to those who can
Wait.
Gillyflowers, maybe,
'Stead of daisies...
I dunno though...
MRS. LOVETT:
A customer!
Wait! What's your rush? What's your hurry?
You gave me such a -- Fright, I thought you was a
ghost!
Half a minute, can'tcher sit! Sit you down, sit!
All I meant is that I haven't seen a customer for
weeks!
Did you come here for a pie, sir?
Do forgive me if me head's a little vague--
(Ugh! What is that?) But you think we had the plague!
From the way that people, keep avoiding--
(No you don't!) Heaven knows I try, sir! But there's no
one comes in even to inhale!
Right you are, sir, would you like a drop of ale?
Mind you, I can't hardly blame them
These are probably the worst pies in London!
I know why nobody cares to take them,
I should know, I make them,
But good? No!
The worst pies in London,
Even that's polite!
The worst pies in London,
If you doubt it, take a bite!
Is that just disgusting?
You have to concede it!
It's nothing but crusting!
Here, drink this, you'll need it!
The worst pies in London...
And no wonder with the price of meat
What it is -- when you get it
Never -- Thought I'd live to see the day
Men'd think it was a treat
Findin' poor -- animals
Wot are dyin' in the street!
Mrs. Mooney has a pie shop!
Does her business but I notice something weird.
Lately all her neighbors' cats have disappeared!
Have to hand it to her --
Wot I calls, "enterprise"!
Poppin' pussies into pies!
Wouldn't do in my shop!
Just the thought of it's enough to make you sick!
And I'm tellin' you, them pussycats is quick...!
No denying times is hard, sir
Even harder than the worst pies in London!
Only lard and nothing more --
Is that just revolting,
All greasy and gritty?
It looks like it's molting,
And tastes like...
Well, pity
A woman alone,
With limited wind,
And the worst pies in London!
Ah, sir, times is hard,
Pirelli:
I~~~~! Am Adolfo Pirelli,
The King of da Barbers, da barber of kings-!
Eh, buongiorno, good day!
I blow you a kiss~!
--AND I~~~!!! The so-famous Pirelli, I wish-a to know-a
Who has-a da nerve-a to SAY--!
--My elixir is “PISS!?” WHO SAYS THIS.
Sweeney:
I do.
I’m Mr. Sweeney Todd, of Fleet Street. I have opened a
bottle of Pirelli’s Elixir, and I say to you, that is
nothing but an arrant fraud — concocted from piss and
ink.
Furthermore, signor – I have serviced no kings, yet
I’ll wager that I can shave a cheek with ten times more
dexterity, than any street mountebank.
Pirelli:
You HEAR this foolish man. Now PLEASE, you will see,
how he will-a REGRET-a HIS-a FOLLY!
Sweeney:
Who’s for a free shave?
(crowd cheers)
Sweeney:
…Will Beadle Bamford be the judge?
Beadle:
GLAD as ALWAYS to oblige my FRIENDS and NEIGHBOURS…
--The fastest, SMOOTHEST shave, is the WINNER!
(whistle blows)
Now, signorini, signori, we mix-a da lather
But first you gather around --
Signorini, signori, you looking a man
Who have had-a da glory to shave-a da Pope!
“Mister Sweeney-Whoever”, I beg-a your pardon You’ll
probably say it was only a cardinal—NOPE!
It was-a da POPE!
To shave-a da face, to cut-a da hair
Require a grace, require da flair;
For if-a you slip, you nick da skin,
You clip-a da chin, you rip-a da lip, a bit
Beyond-a repair!
To shave-a da face, or even a part
Without da smart, require the HEART~~
Not just-a da FLASH; it take-a PANACHE
It take-a da passion for da art!
To shave-a da face, to trim-a da beard
To make-a da BRISTLE, clean like a WHISTLE
This is from early infancy, the talent give to ME~ by
GOD…!
It take-a da skill! It take-a da BRAINS!
It take-a da WILL, to take-a da PAINS--!
It take-a da pace, it take-a da
GRA~~~~~~~~~~~~CE!!!!!
Beadle:
Pretty women
Fascinating...
Sipping coffee,
Dancing... pretty women
Pretty women
Are a wonder.
Pretty women!
Sitting in the window or
Standing on the stair
Something in them cheers the air.
Pretty women
Silhouetted...
Stay within you,
Glancing... stay forever,
Breathing lightly...
Pretty women,
Pretty women!
Blowing out their candles or
Combing out their hair,
Even when they leave
They still are there.
They're there
Ah! Pretty women, at their mirrors,
In their gardens,
Letter-writing,
Flower-picking,
Weather-watching.
How they make a man sing!
Proof of heaven as you're living,
Pretty women! Yes, pretty women!
Here's to pretty women,
Pretty women,
Pretty women,
Sweeney:
You got room over the shop, don't you? Times is so
hard, why don't you rent it out?
Mrs. Lovett:
People think its haunted.
Sweeney:
...Haunted?
Mrs. Lovett:
Yeah. And who's to say they're wrong? You see, years
ago, something happened up there. Something not very
nice...
There was a barber and his wife
And he was beautiful
A proper artist with a knife
But they transported him for life
And he was beautiful...
Barker, his name was. Benjamin Barker.
Sweeney:
...What was his crime?
Mrs. Lovett:
Foolishness.
He had this wife, you see
Pretty little thing, silly little nit
Had her chance for the moon on a string
Poor thing! Poor thing...
There was this judge, you see
Wanted her like mad
Everyday he'd send her a flower
But did she come down from her tower?
Sat up there and sobbed by the hour
Poor fool.
Ah but there was worse yet to come, poor thing...
The Beadle calls on her, all polite
Poor thing, poor thing
"The Judge," he tells her, "is all contrite, "He blames
himself for her dreadful plight, "She MUST come come
straight to his house tonight!" Poor thing, poor thing!
(Ball music)
Of course when she goes there, poor thing, poor thing!
They're having this ball all in masks
There's no one she knows there, poor dear, poor thing
She wanders tormented and DRINKS, poor thing!
'The Judge has repented,' she thinks, poor thing "Oh
where is Judge Turpin?" she asks... ...He was there
alright! Only NOT so contrite!
She wasn't no match for such craft, you see
And everyone thought it's so droll!
They figured she had to be daft, you see
So all of them stood there and LAUGHED, you see
Poor soul! Poor thing!
Sweeney:
--NOOO!! Would NO ONE have mercy on her?!
Mrs. Lovett:
So it IS you! Benjamin Barker!
Sweeney:
NO! Not "Barker" -- That man is dead. It's "Todd" now,
Johanna:
Green finch and linnet bird, nightingale, blackbird,
How is it you sing?
How can you jubilate sitting in cages
never taking wing?
Outside the sky waits, beckoning! Beckoning!
Just beyond the bars...
How can you remain staring at the rain
maddened by the stars?
How is it you sing, anything?
How is it you sing?
(music) My cage has many rooms, damask and dark...
Nothing there sings, not even my lark.
Larks never will, you know, when they're captive.
Teach me to be more adaptive.
Ah...
Green finch and linnet bird, nightingale, blackbird,
teach me how to sing.
If I cannot fly...
Toby:
Ladies and Gentlemen!
May I have your attention please?
Do you wake every morning in shame and despair
To discover your pillow is covered with hair...
What ought not to be there?
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
From now on you can waken at ease!
You need never again have a worry or care,
I will show you a miracle marvelous rare!
Gentlemen, you are about to see something what rose
from the dead--!
...On the top of my head!
Twas Pirelli's Miracle Elixir
That's what did the trick, sir,
True, sir, true.
Was it quick, sir? Did it in a tick, sir!
Just like an elixir ought to do!
How about a bottle, mister?
Only costs a penny, guaranteed!
Does Pirelli's stimulate the growth, sir?
You can have my oath, sir, 'tis unique.
Rub a minute - stimulatin', in'it?
Soon you'll have to thin it once a week!
Sweeney:
Pardon me, ma'am, what's that awful stench?
Mrs. Lovett:
Are we standing near an open trench?
(Sweeney: Are we standing near an open trench?)
(Mrs. Lovett: Pardon me, sir, what's that awful stench?
Toby:
Buy Pirelli's Miracle elixir
Anything wot's slick, sir,
Soon sprouts curls.
Try Pirelli's; when they see how thick, sir,
You can have your pick, sir, of the girls!
Toby: Wanna buy a bottle, missus?
Sweeney: What is this?
Mrs. Lovett: What is this?
Sweeney: Smells like piss...
Mrs. Lovett: Smells like "EW!"
Sweeney: Looks like piss...
(Mrs. Lovett: Wouldn't touch it if I were you, dear!)
Sweeney: This is piss, piss with ink.
Toby:
Let Pirelli's activate your roots, sir--
Sweeney:
Keep it off your boots, sir! Eats right through!
Toby:
YES, get Pirelli's, use a bottle of it; ladies seem to
love it--
Mrs. Lovett:
Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around.
Nothing's gonna harm you, no sir, not while I'm around.
Demons are prowling everywhere, nowadays,
I'll send 'em howling,
I don't care, I got ways.
No one's gonna hurt you,
No one's gonna dare.
Others can desert you,
Not to worry, whistle, I'll be there.
Demons'll charm you with a smile, for a while,
But in time...
Nothing can harm you
Not while I'm around...
Not to worry, not to worry
I may not be smart but I ain't dumb
I can do it, put me to it
Show me something I can overcome
Not to worry, Ma'am
Being close and being clever
Ain't like being true
I don't need to,
I would never hide a thing from you,
Like some...
No one's gonna hurt you, no one's gonna dare
Others can desert you,
Not to worry, whistle, I'll be there!
Demons'll charm you with a smile, for a while
But in time...
Nothing can harm you
I have sailed the world, beheld its wonders
From the Dardanelles to the mountains of Peru
But there's no place like London!
I feel home again
I could hear the city bells ring
Whatever I would do
No, there's no place like London!
Mr. Todd, sir
You are young
Life has been kind to you
You will learn
So Antony, it is here we go our several ways
Farewell, I shall not soon forget the good ship bountiful
Nor the young man who saved my life
Alms, alms for a miserable woman
On a miserable chilly mornin'
Oh, thank you, sir, thank you
How would you like a little squiff, dear
A little jig-jig, a little bounce around the bush
Wouldn't you like to push me crumpet?
It looks to me, dear, like you've got plenty there to push
Alms, alms for a pitiful woman
What's got wandering wits
Hey, don't I know you, mister?
Must you glare at me, woman?
Off with you, off I say
Then how would you like to fish me squiff, Mister?
We'll go jig-jig, a little
Off I said to the devil with you!
Alms, alms for a desperate woman
Pardon me, sir
But there's no need to fear the likes of her
She's only a half-crazed beggar woman
London's full of them
There's a hole in the world like a great black pit
And the vermin of the world inhabit it
And it's morals aren't worth what a pig can spit
And it goes by the name of London
At the top of the hole sit the privileged few
Making mock of the vermin in the lower zoo
Turning beauty into filth and greed
I too have sailed the world and seen its wonders
For the cruelty of men is as wondrous as Peru
Mrs. Lovett: [Spoken]
My, them handles is chased silver, ain't they?
Todd: [Spoken]
Silver, yes.
(Quietly, looking into the box)
These are my friends
See how they glisten.
(Picks up a small razor)
See this one shine
How he smiles in the light
My friend, my faithful friend.
(Holds it to his ear, feeling the edge with his thumb)
Speak to me friend—
Whisper, I'll listen.
(Listening)
I know, I know
You've been locked out of sight
All these years, like me, my friend
Well, I've come home
To find you waiting
Home—
And we're together
And we'll do wonders,
Won't we?
(Mrs. Lovett, who has been looking over his shoulder,
starts to
feel his other ear lightly, absently, in her own
trance. Todd lays
the razor back in the box and picks out a larger one)
Todd: Mrs. Lovett:
You there my friend I'm your friend, too, Mr. Todd
Come let me hold you If you only knew, Mr. Todd
Now, with a sigh Ooh, Mr. Todd
You grow warm You're warm
In my hand In my hand
My friend You've come home
My clever friend Always had a fondness for you,
I did
Rest now my friend Never you fear, Mr. Todd
Soon I'll unfold you You can move in here, Mr. Todd
Soon, you'll know splendors Splendors—
You never have dreamed You never have dreamed
All your days All your days will be yours!
My lucky friends I'm your friend, and you're mine
Till now your shine Don't they shine beautiful?
Was merely silver Silver's good enough for me
Friends, you shall drip rubies Mr. T...
You'll soon drip precious
Rubies
(Todd holds up the biggest razor to the light as the
music
soars sweetly, then stops. He speaks into the silence)
Todd: [Spoken]
I feel you Johanna
I feel you
I was half convinced I've waken
Satisfied enough to dream you
Happily I was mistaken
Johanna
I'll steal you Johanna
I'll steal you
Do they think that walls can hide you?
Even though I'm at your window
I am in the dark beside you
buried sweetly in your yellow hair
I feel you Johanna
And one day I'll steal you
Till I'm with you then I'm with you there
[Toby]
Ladies and gentlemen
May I have your attention,please?
Are your nostrils aquiver and tingling as well as that
delicate, lushious, ambrosial smell?
yes,they are,I can tell
Well,ladies and gentlemen
that aroma enriching the breeze,
is like something compared to its succulent source
as the gourmets among you will tell you,of course.
Ladies and gentlemen you can't imagine the rapture in
store,
just inside of this door!
There,you'll sample Mrs.Lovett's meat pies.savory and
sweet pies,as you'll see.
You who eat pies Mrs. Lovetts meat pies conjure up the
treat pies used to be!
[Customers]
Over here,boy.How about some ale?
Let me have another,laddie!
Could we have some service,waiter?
could we have some service?
What About that pie boy?
[Toby]
Ladies and gentlemen-
[Lovett]
Toby!
[Toby]
Coming,excuse me
[Lovett]
Ale there!
[Toby]
Right,Ma'am!
[Lovett]
Quick,Now!
[Customers]
God Thats Good!
[Lovett]
Nice to see you,dearie.how have you been keeping?Cor,me
bones is weary!
Toby!One for the gentlemen.
Hear the birdies cheeping
Helps to keep it cheery
Toby!Throw the old woman out!!
[Customers]
God,Thats good!
[Lovett]
What's your pleasure,dearie?
No,we don't cut slices.
Cor,me eyes is bleary!
Toby!none for the gentlemen!
I could up me prices.I'm a little leery.
Business couldn't be better,though.
[Customers]
God Thats Good!
[Lovett]
knock on wood
[Sweeney Todd]
Psst!
[Lovett]
Excuse me
[Sweeney Todd]
Psst!
[Lovett]
Dear,See to the customers.
[Sweeney Todd]
Psst!
[Lovett]
Yes,What,Love?Quick,though,the trade is brisk.
[Sweeney Todd]
But it's six 'o' clock
[Lovett]
So it's six 'o' clock?
[Sweeney Todd]
it was due to avrive at a quarter and it's six 'o'
clock!
[Lovett]
...And it's probably already down the block!It'll be
here!It'll be here!
[Sweeney Todd]
I've been Waiting all day!
It should have here by now!
[Customers]
More hot Pies!
[Lovett]
Will you wait there coolly?
[Sweeney Todd]
You'll come back when it comes?
[Lovett]
....'Cause my customers truly,are getting unruly and--
What's your pleasure,dearie?
whoops!I beg Your Pardon!
just me hands is smeary.
Toby!Run for the gentlemen!
Don't You love the garden?Always makes me teary.Must be
one of them foreiners.
[Customers]
God,That's good,That is delicious!
[Lovett]
What's my secret?Frankly,dear,forgive my Candor.Family
Secret,All to do with herbs.
Things like being careful with your coriander.Thats
what makes the gravy grander.
[Customers]
More hot pies!more hot!more pies!
[Sweeney Todd]
Psst!
[Lovett]
excuse me.
[Sweeney Todd]
Psst!
[Lovett]
Dear,see to the customers.
[Sweeney Todd]
Psst!
[Lovett]
Yes,what,love?Quick,though,the trade is brisk.
[Sweeney Todd]
It's here!
[Lovett]
It's where?
[Sweeney Todd]
Coming up the stair.
[Lovett]
I'll get rid of this lot as they're still pretty hot
and then I'll be there!
[Sweeney Todd]
It's about to be opened or don't you care?
[Lovett]
I'll be there!I'll be there! but They'll never be sold
if they get cold.
[Sweeney Todd]
But we have to prepare!
[Lovett]
Incidentally,dearie.You know Mrs.Mooney.Salles have
been so dreary
Toby!Poor thing is penniless.What about that
loony.lookin' sort of beery.
Oh Well,got her come-uppance and that'll be
thruppence
[Customers]
.God,Thats good.that is "de". have you "licious" ever
tasted smell such
Oh my god what more,that's pies good!
[Sweeney Todd/Lovett]
Oo-oo-oo.Oo-oo-oo.
Is that a chair fit for a king?A wonderous,neat,and
most particular chair?
[Lovett]
It's gorgeous!It's Gorgeous!
[Sweeney Todd]
You tell me where is there a seat can half compare with
this Particular thing!
[Lovett]
It's Perfect!It's Gorgeous!
[Sweeney Todd]
I have a few minor adjustments to make.
[Lovett]
You make your few minor adjustments.
[Sweeney Todd]
they'll take a moment I'll call you.
[Lovett]
You take your time I'll go see to the Customers.
[Sweeney Todd]
I have Another Friend!
[Toby]
Is that a pie fit for a king?such wonderous Sweet and
most particular thing?
[Lovett]
Its gorgeous!It's Gorgeous!
[Toby]
You see,Ma'am,why there is no meat pie can compeat with
delectable pie.
[Lovett]
Its Perfect!It's Gorgeous!
[Toby]
The crust all velvety and wavy.
[Lovett]
The crust all velvety and wavy.
[Toby]
That Glaze,Those Crimps.
[Lovett]
That Glaze,Those Crimps
[Toby]
.And then the Thick,Succulent gravy..
[Lovett]
And then the Thick,Succulent gravy.
[Sweeney Todd]
And Now to test...This best Of Barber chairs.
[Toby]
One whiff,One glimpse.
[Lovett]
So rich,so thick,it makes you sick.
[Toby]
so tender that you surrender
[Sweeney Todd]
Psst!
[Lovett]
Excuse me
[Sweeney Todd]
Psst!
[Lovett]
Dear see to the customers
[Sweeney Todd]
Psst!
[Lovett]
All set love?
[Sweeney Todd]
Quick now!
[Lovett]
Me hearts a flutter!
[Sweeney Todd]
When I pound the floor....
[Lovett]
....When you pound the floor...
[Sweeney Todd]
...its the signal to show that i'm ready to go
[Lovett]
yes,you told me before.You'll be ready to go when you
pound the floor.
will you trust me?!will you trust me?!
[Sweeney Todd]
I just want to be sure.When I'm certain your in place
i'll pound three times.
Three times.And then You....?
[Lovett] *Clang!Clang!*
Three Times!
[Lovett] *Clang!Clang!Clang!*
If You-!
[Lovett] *Clang!Clang!Clang!*
Exactly!
[Customers]
More hot pies!
[Lovett]
God!
[Customers]
More hot more pies!
[Lovett]
Right!
[Customers]
More!
[Lovett]
Wait!!!
[Lovett] *ClangClangClang*
[Sweeney Todd] *ClangClangClang*
[Customers]
More hot pies!
More hot more pies!
More Hot Pies!!
[Lovett/*Toby]
eat them slow and feel the crust how thin
I/*she rolled it.eat them slow 'cause every one's a
prize.eat them slow 'cause
thats the lot and now we sold it.come again tomorow!
[Lovett]
Hold It!
[Customers]
More hot pies!
[Lovett]
bless my eyes!
Fresh Supplies!
How about it,dearie?
[Toby]
is that a pie fit for a king...
[Lovett]
be here in a twinkling!
[Toby]
A wonderous Sweet...
[Lovett]
Just confirms my theory
[Toby]
...and Most delectable thing?
[Lovett]
Toby!God watches over us.Didn't have an
inkling.Positivly eerie.
[Toby]
you see why there's no meat pie--
[Lovett]
Toby!Throw the old woman out!
[Customers]
God thats good.that is "de".
have you "licious" ever tasted smell such Oh my god
(spoken)
Anthony: Mr. Todd you have to help me!
out.
Anthony: Mr.Todd please!
Anthony: Mr. Todd?!
OUT!!!
Mrs. Lovett: What's all this running and shouting about, what's happened?
I had him.
Mrs. Lovett: i saw the judge and the boy and they both were running down the stairs.
I had him!
His throat was there beneath my hand.
Mrs.Lovett: There, there dear calm down. (spoken)
No, I had him!
His throat was there and now he'll never come again.
Mrs. Lovett: Easy now, hush love hush
I keep telling you, Whats your rush?
Todd: When? Why did I wait?
You told me to wait -
Now he'll never come again.
There's a hole in the world like a great black pit
And it's filled with people who are filled with shit
And the vermin of the world inhabit it.
But not for long...
They all deserve to die.
Even you, Mrs.Lovett, Even I
Because in all of the whole human race
Mrs. Lovett, there are two kinds of men and only two
There's the one staying put in his proper place
And the one with his foot in the other one's face
Look at me, Mrs Lovett, look at you.
No, we all deserve to die
Tell you why, Mrs. Lovett, tell you why.
Because the lives of the wicked should be made brief
For the rest of us death will be a relief
We all deserve to die.
And I'll never see Johanna
No I'll never hug my girl to me - finished!
Alright! You sir, how about a shave?
Come and visit your good friend Sweeney.
You sir, too sir? Welcome to the grave.
I will have vengeance.
I will have salvation.
Who sir, you sir?
No ones in the chair, Come on! Come on!
Sweeney's. waiting. I want you bleeders.
You sir! Anybody!
Gentlemen now don't be shy!
Not one man, no, nor ten men.
Nor a hundred can assuage me.
I will have you!
And I will get him back even as he gloats
In the meantime I'll practice on less honorable
throats.
And my Lucy lies in ashes
And I'll never see my girl again.
But the work waits!
I'm alive at last!
MRS. LOVETT:
(she kisses Todd)
Ooh, Mr. Todd! (kiss)
I'm so happy! (kiss)
I could (kiss)
Eat you up, I really could!
You know what I'd like to do, Mr. Todd? (kiss)
What I dream (kiss)
If the business stays as good?
Where I'd really like to go,
In a year or so?
Don't you want to know?
TODD: (spoken) Yes, yes, of course.
LOVETT: Do you really want to know?
TODD: (spoken) Yes, I do, I do.
LOVETT: (spoken) I've always had this dream...
Ever since I was a skinny little slip of a thing and my
rich Aunt
Nettie used to take me down to the seaside August Bank
Holiday...
The pier... Makin' little castles in the sand...
Ooh, I can still feel me toes wigglin' around in the
briney!
By the sea, Mr. Todd, that's the life I covet,
By the sea, Mr. Todd, ooh, I know you'd love it!
You and me, Mr. T, we could be alone
In a house wot we'd almost own,
Down by the sea!
Wouldn't that be smashing?
TODD: Anything you say...
LOVETT:
With the sea at our gate, we'll have kippered herring
Wot have swum to us straight from the Straits of
Bering!
Ev'ry night, in the kip, when we're through our
kippers,
I'll be there slippin' off your slippers!
By the sea,
With the fishies splashing!
By the sea!
Wouldn't that be smashing?
TODD: Anything you say, anything you say...
LOVETT:
I can hear us wakin,'
The breakers breakin,'
The seagulls squawkin,'
'Hoo, hoo!'
I do me bakin,'
Then I go walkin'
With you-hoo!
Yoo-hoo!
I'll warm me bones on the esplanade,
Have tea and scones with me gay young blade,
Then I'll knit a sweater
While you write a letter
Unless we've got better to do-hoo!
TODD: Anything you say...
LOVETT:
Think how snug it'll be underneath our flannel
When it's just you and me and the English Channel!
In our cozy retreat kept all neat and tidy,
We'll have chums over ev'ry Friday!
By the sea!
Don'tcha love the weather?
By the sea!
We'll grow old together!
By the seaside,
Hoo, hoo!
By the beautiful sea!
(spoken)
Oh, I can see us now, in our bathing dresses!
You in a nice, rich navy, and me... stripes, perhaps.
It'll be so quiet,
That who'll come by it,
Except a seagull
Hoo, hoo!
We shouldn't try it,
Though, 'til it's legal for two-hoo!
But a seaside wedding could be devised,
Me rumpled bedding legitimized!
Me eyelids'll flutter,
I'll turn into butter,
The moment I mutter I do-hoo!
By the sea, in our nest, we could share our kippers
With the odd payin' guest from the weekend trippers,
Have a nice sunny suite for the guest to rest in,
Now and then, you could do the guest in!
By the sea,
Married nice and proper!
By the sea,
Bring along your chopper!
To the seaside,
Hoo, hoo!
TODD:
There's a hole in the world like a great black pit
And the vermin of the world inhabit it
And it's morals aren't worth what a pig could spit
And it goes by the name of London...
There was a barber and his wife,
And she was beautiful.
A foolish barber and his wife.
She was his reason and his life,
And she was beautiful,
And she was virtuous,
And he was... naive.
There was another man who saw
That she was beautiful.
A pious vulture of the law,
Who, with a gesture of his claw,
Removed the barber from his plate,
Then there was nothing but to wait,
And she would fall,
So soft,
So young,
So lost
And oh so beautiful!
ANTHONY: And the lady, sir, did she succumb?
TODD:
Oh, that was many years ago...
I doubt if anyone would know...
[dialogue]
There's a hole in the world like a great black pit
And it's filled with people who are filled with shit
MRS. LOVETT:
Seems a downright shame...
TODD: Shame?
LOVETT:
Seems an awful waste...
Such a nice, plump frame
Wot's 'is name has...
Had...
Has!
Nor it can't be traced...
Bus'ness needs a lift,
Debts to be erased...
Think of it as thrift,
As a gift,
If you get my drift!
Seems an awful waste...
I mean, with the price of meat
What it is,
When you get it,
If you get it...
TODD: HAH!
LOVETT:
Good, you got it!
Take, for instance, Mrs. Mooney and her pie shop!
Bus'ness never better using only pussycats and toast!
And a pussy's good for maybe six or seven at the most!
And I'm sure they can't compare as far as taste!
[Simultaneously]
TODD:
Mrs. Lovett, what a charming notion
LOVETT:
Well, it does seem a waste...
TODD:
Eminently practical
And yet appropriate as always!
LOVETT:
It's an idea...
TODD:
Mrs. Lovett, how I've lived
Without you all these years, I'll never know!
How delectable!
Also undetectable!
LOVETT:
Think about it!
Lots of other gentlemen'll
Soon be comin' for a shave,
Won't they?
Think of
All them
Pies!
TODD:
How choice!
Rare!
TODD:
For what's the sound of the world out there?
LOVETT:
What, Mr. Todd?
What, Mr. Todd?
What is that sound?
TODD:
Those crunching noises pervading the air!
LOVETT:
Yes, Mr. Todd!
Yes, Mr. Todd!
Yes, all around!
TODD:
It's man devouring man, my dear!
BOTH:
And [LOVETT: Then] who are we to deny it in here?
TODD: (spoken) These are desperate times,
Mrs. Lovett, and desperate measures are called for!
LOVETT: Here we are, now! Hot out of the oven!
TODD: What is that?
LOVETT:
It's priest. Have a little priest.
TODD:
Is it really good?
LOVETT:
Sir, it's too good, at least!
Then again, they don't commit sins of the flesh,
So it's pretty fresh.
TODD:
Awful lot of fat.
LOVETT:
Only where it sat.
TODD:
Haven't you got poet, or something like that?
LOVETT:
No, y'see, the trouble with poet is
'Ow do you know it's deceased?
Try the priest!
TODD: (spoken) Heavenly!
Not as hearty as bishop, perhaps,
but then again, not as bland as curate, either!
LOVETT:
And good for business, too -- always leaves you wantin'
more!
Trouble is, we only get it on Sundays!
Lawyer's rather nice.
TODD:
If it's for a price.
LOVETT:
Order something else, though, to follow,
Since no one should swallow it twice!
TODD:
Anything that's lean.
LOVETT:
Well, then, if you're British and loyal,
You might enjoy Royal Marine!
Anyway, it's clean.
Though of course, it tastes of wherever it's been!
TODD:
Is that squire,
On the fire?
LOVETT:
Mercy no, sir, look closer,
You'll notice it's grocer!
TODD:
Looks thicker,
More like vicar!
LOVETT:
No, it has to be grocer --
It's green!
TODD:
The history of the world, my love --
LOVETT:
Save a lot of graves,
Do a lot of relatives favors!
TODD:
Is those below serving those up above!
LOVETT:
Ev'rybody shaves,
So there should be plenty of flavors!
TODD:
How gratifying for once to know
BOTH:
That those above will serve those down below!
LOVETT: (spoken) Now let's see, here... We've got
tinker.
TODD: Something... pinker.
LOVETT: Tailor?
TODD: Paler.
LOVETT: Butler?
TODD: Subtler.
LOVETT: Potter?
TODD: Hotter.
LOVETT: Locksmith?
Lovely bit of clerk.
TODD:
Maybe for a lark.
LOVETT:
Then again there's sweep
If you want it cheap
And you like it dark!
Try the financier,
Peak of his career!
TODD:
That looks pretty rank.
LOVETT:
Well, he drank,
It's a bank
Cashier.
Never really sold.
Maybe it was old.
TODD:
Have you any Beadle?
LOVETT:
Next week, so I'm told!
Beadle isn't bad till you smell it and
Notice 'ow well it's been greased...
Stick to priest!
(spoken) Now then, this might be a little bit stringy,
but then of course it's... fiddle player!
TODD: No, this isn't fiddle player -- it's piccolo
player!
LOVETT: 'Ow can you tell?
TODD: It's piping hot!
LOVETT: Then blow on it first!
TODD:
The history of the world, my sweet --
LOVETT:
Oh, Mr. Todd,
Ooh, Mr. Todd,
What does it tell?
TODD:
Is who gets eaten, and who gets to eat!
LOVETT:
And, Mr. Todd,
Too, Mr. Todd,
Who gets to sell!
TODD:
But fortunately, it's also clear
BOTH:
That [L: But] ev'rybody goes down well with beer!
LOVETT: (spoken)
Since marine doesn't appeal to you, 'ow about... rear
admiral?
TODD: Too salty. I prefer general.
LOVETT: With, or without his privates? "With" is extra.
TODD: What is that?
LOVETT:
It's fop.
Finest in the shop.
And we have some shepherd's pie peppered
With actual shepherd on top!
And I've just begun --
Here's the politician, so oily
It's served with a doily,
Have one!
TODD:
Put it on a bun.
Well, you never know if it's going to run!
LOVETT:
Try the friar,
Fried, it's drier!
TODD:
No, the clergy is really
Too coarse and too mealy!
LOVETT:
Then actor,
That's compacter!
TODD:
Yes, and always arrives overdone!
I'll come again when you have JUDGE on the menu!
LOVETT: (spoken) Wait! True, we don't have judge yet,
but we've got something you might fancy even better.
TODD: What's that?
LOVETT: Executioner!
TODD:
Have charity towards the world, my pet!
LOVETT:
Yes, yes, I know, my love!
TODD:
We'll take the customers that we can get!
LOVETT:
High-born and low, my love!
TODD:
We'll not discriminate great from small!
No, we'll serve anyone,
Meaning anyone,
BOTH:
And to anyone
