Smoked! The Chaotic Reality (2009)

Actors

• Audie Contreras (actor)
• Michael Dean (actor)
• Robert Don (actor)
• Jonathan Flanagan (actor)
• Adam Gordon (actor)
• Tony Gracia (actor)
• Mitch L. Guy (actor)
• Eric Toms (actor)
• Danielle Dipietro (actress)
• Paula Kelley (actress)
• Victoria Marcello (actress)
• Audrey Quinn (actress)
• Ochia Teairra (actress)
• Mario R. Coello (producer)
• Shaun Michael Paris (producer)

Genres

• Comedy

Leary, Denis Filmography

• The Kitchen Sink
  2015, role: actor
• Draft Day
  2014, role: actor , character name: Vince Penn
• The Amazing Spider-Man 2
  2014, role: actor , character name: Captain Stacy
• Sirens
  2013, role: writer
• Behind the B
  2013, role: writer
• Behind the B
  2013, role: producer
• Sober Coach
  2012, role: producer
• The Amazing Spider-Man
  2012, role: actor , character name: Captain Stacy
• Vanilla Ice Archive
  2012, role: actor , character name: Himself
• Ice Age: Continental Drift
  2012, role: actor , character name: Diego
• Bronx Warrants
  2012, role: producer
• Burn
  2012, role: producer
• Ice Age Continental Drift: Through a Pirate's Spyglass: Voices Ahoy!
  2012, role: actor , character name: Himself
• Rite of Passage: The Amazing Spider-Man Reborn
  2012, role: actor , character name: Himself
• Kiss My A$$ with Denis Leary
  2012, role: actor
• Denis Leary & Friends Presents: Douchbags & Donuts
  2011, role: producer
• Denis Leary & Friends Presents: Douchbags & Donuts
  2011, role: actor , character name: Himself
• Scrat's Continental Crack-Up: Part 2
  2011, role: actor , character name: Diego
• Ice Age: A Mammoth Christmas
  2011, role: actor , character name: Diego
• Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work
  2010, role: actor , character name: Himself
• Untitled Pam Wechsler Project
  2010, role: producer
• Back from Hell: A Tribute to Sam Kinison
  2010, role: actor
• In Search of Ted Demme
  2010, role: producer
• Inside Out
  2010, role: producer
• 2009 Golden Globe Awards Red Carpet Special
  2009, role: actor , character name: Himself
• The 66th Annual Golden Globe Awards
  2009, role: actor , character name: Himself - Nominee: Best Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
• The Unusuals
  2009, role: producer
• Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs
  2009, role: actor , character name: Diego
• 11th Annual the Kennedy Center Mark Twain Prize for American Humor: George Carlin
  2008, role: actor , character name: Himself
• Recount
  2008, role: actor , character name: Michael Whouley
• The 60th Primetime Emmy Awards
  2008, role: actor , character name: Himself
• Hockey Pads
  2008, role: actor , character name: Himself
• Fashion Rocks
  2008, role: actor , character name: Himself - Host
• The 59th Primetime Emmy Awards
  2007, role: actor , character name: Himself - Nominated: Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series
• Exhibit A: Leary Verses Hicks
  2007, role: actor , character name: Himself
• Exhibit A: Leary Verses Hicks
  2007, role: writer
• Untitled Denis Leary/Don Reo Project
  2007, role: producer
• Fort Pit
  2007, role: producer
• 1-900
  2007, role: actor
• Fashion Rocks
  2007, role: actor , character name: Himself
• 100 Greatest Stand-Ups
  2007, role: actor , character name: Himself
• Ice Age: The Meltdown
  2006, role: actor , character name: Diego
• Lost Historical Films on the Ice Age Period
  2006, role: actor , character name: Diego
• Fashion Rocks
  2005, role: actor , character name: Himself
• Comedy Central Roast of Jeff Foxworthy
  2005, role: actor , character name: Himself
• In Search of Ted Demme
  2005, role: producer
• Comedy Central Roast of Jeff Foxworthy
  2005, role: producer
• Merry F#%$in' Christmas
  2005, role: actor , character name: Himself
• In Search of Ted Demme
  2005, role: actor , character name: Himself
• Merry F#%$in' Christmas
  2005, role: producer

• Lyrics: play full screen play karaoke
• The Downtrodden Song - Denis Leary
• I'm An Asshole - Denis Leary
• Drink Beer - Denis Leary
• Cows With Guns - Denis Leary
• Elvis And I - Denis Leary
• Voices In My Head - Denis Leary
• President Leary - Denis Leary
• My Kids - Denis Leary
• Merry Fucking Christmas - Denis Leary
• Smoke - Denis Leary
• Rehab - Denis Leary
• More Drugs - Denis Leary
• Life's Gonna Suck - Denis Leary
• Kiss My Ass - Denis Leary
• Fat Fucks - Denis Leary
• Love Barge - Denis Leary
• Death - Denis Leary
• BEER!! - Denis Leary
• A Reading From The Book Of Apple - Denis Leary
• Asshole - Denis Leary
• Usage Of The Word Fuck - Denis Leary
• Traditional Irish Folk Song - Denis Leary
• Save This - Denis Leary
• Meat - Denis Leary
• Drugs - Denis Leary
• Denis Leary - Denis Leary

Everything is horrible, yeah, really really really terrible
I'm really depressed, I'm really downtrodden
I'm downtrodden square uh-huh
The whole world is doomed, yeah. We're all gonna die.
25,472 people die every single minute uh-huh oh yeah
Seventeen hundred and fifty people just died
Cancer, death, AIDS, inflation, taxes, George Bush
Hell, Satan, cancer of the face
Cancer of the colon
Cancer of the wrist
And John Denver on compact disc

(Henry Paul/Van Stephenson/Dave Robbins)
Stone by stone, beam by beam
Hand in hand, we built this dream
Now you're wreckin' this home
Doin' it stone by stone
Brick by brick, tear by tear
The love we made has slowly disappeared
It's as good as gone
You're takin' it stone by stone
Why can't you up and just walk away
Do you have to drag it out day after day
I'm tired of tryin', I'm giving up
'Cause you tear it down faster than I can fix it up
Room by room, wall by wall
Pretty soon it's gonna fall
On your own
You're doin' it stone by stone
Why can't you up and just walk away
Do you have to drag it out day after day
I'm tired of tryin', I'm giving up
'Cause you tear it down faster than I can fix it up
Stone by stone, beam by beam
Hand in hand, we built this dream
Now you're wreckin' this home
Doing it stone by stone
Stone by stone by stone by stone
Stone by stone by stone by stone
On your own, you're doin' it stone by stone

You took the path of least resistence
And I

I said, slide back, relax
I wanna hold you, but you break
Please just let it out
If you think I'm a ghost
Well touch me sweet Sheila
Cause I can't take it no more
Every day I'm away
Stumbling for what to say
Hey, I'm coming down like a wrecking ball
Breaking her heart
What are you supposed to be?
Won't you get close to me?
Tear that building down!
And you know it's tough to take
I got to hold you, but you break
Please just let it out
Every day I'm away
Stumbling for what to say
Hey, I'm coming down like a wrecking ball
Breaking her heart
Like a plane that's coming down
Like a wrecking ball falling apart
Every day I always come to find
Everyone's dumb and blind
I say just fuck it all
I know it's fearless, heartless, careless
Hey, I'm coming down like a wrecking ball
Breaking her heart
Like a plane that's coming down
Like a wrecking ball
Falling apart

(Hey tell the colonel he can kiss my ass.
*sniffs* Mmm, I smell bacon. Elvis is in the kitchen.)
Elvis and I order Domino's Pizza with extra cheese.
Suckin' down Formula 44D.
Elvis and I put on diapers and extra sheer pantyhose.
We never argue or overdose.
He says, "Do I look fat to you?"
I say, "No King, it's not true.
You just have very big bones."
And then he fires his .44 into the television.
Elvis and I
Elvis and I
Elvis and I
Elvis and I
Elvis and I put on big belts and drive down to Burger
King
(lemme get a big ol' bag of them shiny FBI things.)
He lets me croon and I let him steer
(When I see that Kurt Russell, I'm gonna kick his ass.)
Elvis and I fry up demorol tablets and bacon grease
(Isn't that the biggest belt I've ever seen, I'll take
another one, ah look at these sideburns...)
Torkin' down microwave tacos and beer
(Eh, I'll give you a karate chop and you ain't never
gonna get up man there, it'll keep you down...)
He says, "I don't wanna be on no stamp man."
I say, "King, I understand."
He says, "My mama should be on that stamp man."
And then he fires his .44 into the television
(I am the King, man I am the King. Yeah, don't mess
with me man, cause I am the King, I'll tell you right
now man...)
Elvis and I
Elvis and I
Elvis and I
Elvis and I
(Yeah, I'd like to make an order for delivery. Yeah,
this is Elvis. King.
Yeah, gimme a big ol' bucket of Kentucky Fried
Chicken,extra crispy, extra greasy.
Uhh, a pan of mashed potatoes, gravy. No skimpin' on
cole slaw this time.
Yeah, gimme some of them little hush puppies, ooh I
love them hush puppies.
Throw in some bacon cheeseburgers with everything on
And maybe a peanut butter and nanner sandwich and a big
bag of chips.
And a pound sauce, and half a pound of dexies.
A big ol' stack of silver dollar pancakes.
Maybe a six-pack of Formula 44D. Put nickels on the
bottles, will ya?)
Elvis and I chop up onions and methamphetamines
We cook 'em up with some peanut butter and cheese
Elvis and I call up Cadillac dealerships all night long
(Gimme twenty lime-green El Dorados with leopard
interiors...)
Suckin' down Ny Quil stingers and cheese
(...and twenty sky blue cool DeVilles, uh, and how
'bout one of them big ol' Fleetwoods, yeah with a
lacquer-beech steering wheel...)
He says, "What the hell's Lisa Marie thinking,
With that Michael Jackson crap?
She should have married Janet
or LaToya or Tito or even Mahalia Jackson."
(My boys, my boys, maybe come on down to my beach
house, we're gonna have a clam bake baby!)
Elvis and I
Elvis and I
Elvis and I
Elvis and I
(Now, uh I almost forgot to order dessert, yeah send up
a box of Nutty Buddies, and a big ol' pumpkin pie.
Maybe a chocolate cake, too. Uh, how 'bout a big bag of
donuts, some of them little chocolate donuts, them
little ones I like.
The donut munchkins, I like the munchkins with the
powdered sugar all over 'em. Yeah, how 'bout a big ice
cream sundae
with the nanners, nuts and, uh, sprinkles, yeah get a
bunch of sprinkles all over it.
Yeah maybe some of them chicken-fried apple-pie hot
dogs, or something like that, yeah yeah. I assume it's
supposed to be, supposed to be *ramble* plus tax.
Mama, where are you mama?
Red? Anybody seen Red?
Joe? Joe Esposito, is that you?
Hey? Mama? Burn? Jesse Garon?

I want you to get a gun
And head on down to Washington
I want you to climb up high
High in the sky and shoot them all
Th-th-they don't deserve to live
What did they every give to you? Na na na na na
You know what I want you to do? I want you to go upstairs to that
Apartment where that guy keeps playing that Barry Manilow record
"Copacabana" over and over and over again. I want you to ring the
Doorbell, and when he answers the door, I want you to stab him in the neck
With a Number 2 pencil over and over and over again because he must pay!
Chop him up and put him in the freezer and as you leave the apartment,
Light the place on fire!
CHORUS
Voices in my head
These are the voices in my head
Voices in my head
These are the voices in my head
You should dress up like a clown
Bark bark howl
Hi you never called me back. I got the pictures back from Thanksgiving. I
Don't know why you wear that earring. If your father was alive I don't
Know what he'd say. I was talking to Mrs. Corelli yesterday. You know
Bobby Corelli who was in your grade? He got promoted again in his law
Firm. He's making $175,000 a year now. Are you on drugs? Why don't you
Ever call me back? When are you gonna get married son? Isn't it about time
You settled down and got yourself a wife and got yourself a house and got
A kid, and got a car, and got a dog and got a lawnmowerk, and got a nice
Picket fence...
CHORUS
The voice in my head-
Why, why is it every time
I gotta wait on fuckin' line?
Why is it every time I turn on my television set I gotta see Sally
Struthers and those starving kids? Why can't somebody just send her a
Check and shut her and those god damn kids up? Jesus fucking Christ!
Where's Rob Reiner when you need him?
Why, why don't they drop the bomb
Right on top of everyone? Na na na na na
CHORUS
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

So...now you know why I can't be the President of the
United States. Because I would snap like this eighteen
thousand times a day. From the first get-go in the
morning . "Mr. President?" "WHAAAT?? Get Air Force One,
I want to blow some shit up. And get Harrison Ford and
put him on the plane, I want to beat him up, I'm pissed
off at him."
When I'm president, boy things are gonna change. Oh
yeah, oh yeah. Things are gonna change when I'm the
President of the United States. Yep, my domestic
policy? Fuck you. My foreign policy? Fuuuuuuuuuck you!
Here's something else . when I'm President of the
United States, all you assholes who ride bikes in the
city? Lock 'n load, okay? You're going down. Yeah, what
the FUCK are you people thinking about, eh? You wanna
ride a bike in the city, move to China, go ahead. Eat
some rice for the rest of your life. Are you fucking
insane, riding a bike around the middle of Manhattan
traffic, huh? There's no speed limit in New York, have
you noticed that? Have you ever seen a speed limit sign
in Manhattan? No, they don't exist! Red lights here
mean stop if you want to! Last guy who got a speeding
ticket in Manhattan was the guy who crashed his plane
into the Empire State Building back in 1937. Wake the
fuck up and smell the maple nut crunch!
They drive me fuckin' nuts! Have you had that
experience, where you're getting out of a cab and you
open the door and a bike guy smashes into the car door?
And then he gives you that attitude, "Hey man, that's
my space!" No it isn't, it's the space for the door to
fuckin' open, asshole! They got their little spandex
pants on, their little gloves, and they're riding
around, "I have the right to ride my bike right in the
middle of traffic. And I have my little
whistle...WHEET, WHEET..." I have a horn, HONK HONK,
you're dead!
And you roller-blading assholes...lock 'n load. Lock
and load. With your pink spandex and your headphones
on, dancing, doing the hustle in the middle of traffic.
Make up your mind, dance or drive, okay asshole? Just
make a decision.
Fuck...I don't get it. Why not just put on clown pants
and ride a unicycle down the middle of Fifth Avenue,
"Hey, look at me!" Why don't you parasail down
Broadway, "Hey! Look at me! I have the right to do
this!!" "No, you don't...SNIP, SNIP, CRASH...Happy
now!"
You seen the cops, who have to ride the bikes? Oh,
aren't they the saddest looking motherfuckers? Oh, man!
Oh, there's not one happy one in the whole city, man.
They're totally bummed out. You know they come from
families full of cops, right . their dad was a cop,
their grandfather was a cop, they dreamed of being a
cop their whole life. They go to the academy, they're
waiting for that graduation day to get all that stuff.
Then that graduation day comes, and it's "Here's a
badge, a bike, and a pair of shorts. Stop crime, go
ahead. You want more stuff, here's some white socks and
some flip-flops. Go ahead, stop crime. You want a
siren? Make one with your mouth."
"Reeeeoooooreeee...oh, man, this sucks. Ooooooh...I'm
not stopping any crimes, man. I don't care if somebody
gets killed right in front of me, I'm not stopping. I'm
just gonna ride my bike for eight hours and go home.
I'm not gonna meet any chicks this way. Oh..."
I'm waiting to get stopped by one of those guys, man,
in my truck. 'Cause I'm not stopping. He pulls up next
to me, "Pull over"...Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..."You're
not a cop, you're a bike asshole." "Fuckin' Leary...I
hate you..."
Bike asshole. I'm a bike cop. That one makes me laugh.
Another thing when I'm President, by the way, if you
want to join the military . any branch...Army, Air
Force, Marines, Navy . once you join, you can fuck
whoever you want. Other soldiers, superior officers, I
don't give a flying fuck . fuck your brains out, go
ahead! You have my permission. As long as you want to
kill the enemy, you can have sex with anything you
want. Go ahead! "Well I like to fuck other guys."
"Here's another guy and a gun...go! Go!" "I like to
fuck sheep." "Here's a sheep and a HumVee...go!" "I
like to fuck watermelons." "Here's a watermelon and a
gun...go! Go! Go!!" Fuck 'em, kill 'em, and eat 'em,

Yeah, my kids...my kids are into Hanson now. Oh...you
have no idea! You know, kids like to play the same song
over and over again...MmmmBop, MmmmBop, MmmmBop. And
the funny thing is, I've actually come to love Hanson,
because...and I'll tell you why, you know why? Because
these kids are a giant rehab festival just waiting to
happen. Oh yeah! They are going to crash and burn so
quickly it's gonna be fuckin' great. Their parents
might as well call Liz and Gary Coleman right now and
have a meeting. I can't wait. Especially the drummer,
what's he? Six? Oh yeah...great...oh yeah, oh, he's
going down, mark my words, oh yeah. They're gonna find
him in a hotel room with a hooker and an eight-ball,
mark my words! Mark my words. Yeah. He's gonna actually
be all the way up inside the hooker's vagina, y'know
what I mean? They're gonna have to pull him
out..."C'mon out of there! What are you doing?" "I
don't know! I'm six and I have credit cards . what the
fuck?" Mmm-bop-eee-ooom-bop-eee-ooom-bop-eee-oom-bop...
[Kids] Boom shaka laka laka...Boom shaka laka
laka...Caw! Caw! Caw! Caw! Cock-a-doodle-doo!! Boom
shaka laka laka...
I got good kids. Love my kids. Been trying to bring 'em
up the right way, not spanking 'em. Find that I don't
have to spank 'em. I find that waving the gun around
pretty much gets the same job done. Because they're
trying to kill me, they are! Y'know, I try to explain
the rules to them, you know what I mean? But the rules
go in one ear and out the other! Close the door! How
hard can that be to remember? Close the door? You just
opened it, close it behind you. I have a dog, I've seen
him close the door with his nose, and he's a DOG!
Apparently a kid's dream house is just a house with no
doors. The leaves blow in, there's bats flying around
there, they don't care.
Start out with two kids, now we think there's twelve.
Starting to think that other parents are dropping their
kids off at my house, so they can puke, shit their
pants, break stuff, and then leave. That's what the dog
told me. They are unbelie...y'know, if you don't have
kids, I don't know how to describe it to you, I really
don't. I don't know how to describe it to you. Y'know,
it's like...uh...I don't know what it's like. It's
like...it's like having drunken midgets around the
house, that's what it's like, folks. That's what it's
like. It's like a rodeo clown car pulled up, and
fifteen rodeo clowns got out, and they're running
around, and you can't catch 'em. It's like there's
monkeys on acid hanging off the lights, "Come down!"
and you can't reach 'em, "Come down!"
You keep thinking that they're going to wake up one day
and they'll go, "Oh, now I know the rules." But they
don't. Just like listening to MmmmBop over and over
again, every day is the same thing. It always starts
the same exact way. "Close the door...give me that bag
of Oreos, you're not having Oreos for breakfast...no TV
right now...close the door...no, leave the dog
alone...will you please find your shoes...give me that
bag of Oreos...find your shoes...you put your shoes
on...I don't know where your shoes are...I didn't have
your shoes on...close the door...put that...no, don't
cut the dog's hair right now...c'mon...those are HIS
shoes...go tell him you have his shoes and then find
your shoes...close that door...put the phone down, who
are you calling? You're too young to call
anybody...don't feed Oreos to the dog...give me that
bag of Oreos...now, close that
door...uh...yeah...no...no...no...no...those ARE your
shoes...they have to be! Who are you? I want ID...let
me see some ID."
And your life immediately, when they hit age 5, becomes
about quiet. You just want peace and quiet. That's all
you want . you want the fighting to stop, can't we all
just get along? You turn into Rodney King, you do! If
you don't have kids, take this note down . don't buy
the toys that make the noise. That's the key thing. If
there's a toy that has a button on it that makes noise,
they're going to press that button like Bart Simpson,
over and over again. For days at a time . WHAAA! WHAAA!
WHAAA! WHAAA! Their friends come over, "Hey, cool!"
WHAAA! WHAAA! WHAAA! WHAAA! Oh my God...so you stop
buying the toys that make the noise, but then you know
what happens? The in-laws buy the toys that make the
noise, they drop them off at your house, and then they
leave! And you're stuck with the toys that make the
noise.
You heard about the Darth Vader bank toy? Oooooooh...
oooooooh, let me tell you about this toy. So, don't buy
this toy. Mark that down, too. The toy is this bank,
it's bigger than the kids, and it's Darth Vader, he's
standing like this [Darth Vader pose]. He's got that
super-duper, Oakland Raiders helmet on, y'know what I
mean? Here's the gig with the toy . the kids put money
in the front of the mask, okay, and here's what happens
immediately after the coin goes in . [Darth Vader
breathing sounds]..."Use the Force, Luke...[Darth Vader
breathing sounds]...for fifteen fuckin' minutes! And
they bring the other kids from the other houses over,
and they put money in. So it goes on for hours! [Darth
Vader breathing sounds]..."Use the Force, Luke...[Darth
Vader breathing sounds]...the third day, the mechanism
breaks. Yes, so now it doesn't need money to go off, it
just goes off randomly in the middle of the night. And
at my house, my kids and my wife, they sleep like wood.
Not me, I'm an insomniac! I find myself, forty years
old, naked, creeping to go to the bathroom in my house
like this...just so I don't have to hear James Earl
Jones' fucking voice. And right at the last step, right
before I go to the bathroom, I hear, "Denis! I'm on
again! Come in here and turn me off!!" I'm giving the
finger to Darth Vader in the middle of the night, it's
not right! Shut up!! And now he's full of money, and we
can't get the money out, and he's still talking to us!
"Haaaa...I have all the money!"
Just want some peace. And quiet. I don't want the
dangerous quiet, you know what that is, right? That's
the one during the day, when the kids are in the house,
you're in the kitchen reading the paper, right? Reading
the paper for about fifteen minutes, and slowly it
dawns on you. Heeeeeey...wait a minute...uh-oh. Go into
the dining room, nobody in there. Go to the living
room, nobody. Go by the bedrooms and the bathrooms, I
hear this little voice inside the bathroom...it's my
daughter. I'm thinking, she doesn't like to baths at
all, nevermind it's three o'clock in the afternoon.
What's she doing? I open the door, you know what she's
doing? Giving the dog a bath, in the toilet! Oh yeah,
she's soaping him up and singing away, la-de-de-de-da-
de-de. And like some weird Vegas magician, I gotta pull
a dog out of a toilet. Like the Great Learatini . "Look
at this! I pulled a dog out of a toilet!" And no
explanation from her, "What was that about? Go to your
room, don't touch Darth Vader please, thank you."
My wife and I bought a home theater system. You don't
have one of these, you should get it. It's
unbelievable. The big, giant widescreen TV, there's
like sixteen speakers, so you get the surround sound.
You got the big woofer on the ground, so it makes the
floor shake when you listen to Jurassic Park, right.
It's got the big rack of stuff, the VCR and the DVD and
the Laserdisc player, and a bunch of other stuff, you
don't know what it is, but it looks fuckin' great! It's
really shiny. Had it for eight hours, okay? Eight .
count 'em. Actually, it was only four hours, 'cause the
guy was installing it for four hours. So I had it for
four hours, officially. Put the kids to bed, get a copy
of Apocalypse Now. Yeah...yeah...Dennis Hopper hopped
up on coke in sixteen speaker surround, that's great. I
go to put the tap in...CLING CLING CLING CLANG...won't
go in...CLING CLING CLING...won't go in. Reach inside
the VCR, you know what's inside the VCR? Peanut butter
and jelly sandwich. Peanut butter and jelly SANDWICH.
Smucker's strawberry . I tasted it! Now, I would like
to believe I don't have retards in my family bloodline.
I'm hoping it wasn't as stupid as "NOM NOM NOM, I'm
finished with this, it goes in HERE!" I'm hoping it was
more thoughtful . "Maybe if I put this in here, I can
watch the peanut butter and jelly movie! You can really
hear the crunchy parts!!"
So, I wake 'em all up and I have a little People's
Court session down in my TV room at two o'clock in the
morning. I'm your host, Ed Koch...exhibit A, the
sandwich...exhibit B, the VCR. Does anyone have an
explanation as to how this could've happened? You know
what I get? I get a sea full of dumbfounded faces.
[Blank stare] My oldest one, my son Jack, steps
forward, "Dad...um...maybe...the sandwich was flying
around the house...it was flying around the house, and
central headquarters called them and told them to dock
here in the VCR. They docked." "No they didn't! Food
does not dock. Pull up your pants." I look over in the
corner, the dog is eating the peanut butter sandwich,
it's stuck to the roof of his mouth...NOM NOM NOM.
These are the people I live with. It happened.
They wanted a dog. They had...the kids, they had a
union meeting, apparently. They came out of the union
meeting, they picked a spokesman . it was Jack, "We
want a dog!" Great idea, I love dogs. You know what I
pictured . I pictured a big, giant, seven-foot tall,
350-pound Irish wolfhound, huh? Named
Buck..ARRRARRRARRARR. Gotta have three leashes and
people have to hold him down, "No, Buck! Put that
mailman down!" ARRRARRRARRRARRR. Buck, the scourge of
the Upper West Side...ARRARRARRARR. But, of course,
they got the dog while I was away. So we got a little
tiny little black little faggy little half-Pomeranian
half-French Poodle little pound-and-a-half little thing
that's supposed to be a dog. I could throw this dog
sixty yards, I guarantee you. "Run a post pattern, go
out, go go go...BAROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
So I go okay, we can keep the dog, you guys like him.
But y'know what? We're going to have a democratic vote
thing on the name. Me and your mom, we're going to stay
out here, we'll come up with some options. You kids, go
in that room, come out in five minutes with some ideas.
Wanna hear their top three ideas, that they came up
with? Pretty hot...number one, Chickenhead, I swear to
God. Chicken. Head. Number two, Pizza. Number three,
Fish. Not Abe Vigoda, Fish. So I go, y'know what? Go
back in the room and come up with some other choices,
okay? When we get a chicken, we can call him
Chickenhead, okay? But we're not calling the dog
Chickenhead. Chickenhead? Chickenhead? Oh, boy. So they
come out, about fifteen minutes later, they really
worked hard. And they had an agreement amongst
themselves. They have one choice, and they want to name
the dog "Pongo", the dog from 101 Dalmations. Pongo. My
wife goes, "That's a great idea!" And I go,
"Whoa...whoa...whoa...hold on a minute with the Pongo!
Hold on! Let's face the facts here: Saturday night at
midnight, in the middle of winter when it's snowing
outside, you guys are all gonna be asleep, and who's
going to be walking Pongo down Broadway? Huh? Me!
Running along Broadway, 'Pongo! C'mere, Pongo!' No,
it's not happening. We're not naming the dog 'Pongo',
out of the question!" Then there was a fifteen minute
cry...so his name is fuckin' Pongo. Of course it is. Me
and Pongo on Broadway on Saturday at midnight, "C'mon
Pongo, shit for daddy, c'mon. Shit for daddy, please?
Oh, that's a big one. Thank you, Pongo. Let me get my
plastic bag out to scoop it up." Fiiiiiiiiiine.
The phone...is something that you cannot explain to
children. I don't know what age it is when they finally
pick it up. Probably when they start dating, maybe
that's when it is. But so far, none of the kids in my
family have figured out the phone. Even the idea, the
theory of the phone. It's always when you're on the
phone that they want to talk to you. And you're
probably talking to some distant cousin in Killarny,
it's probably seventeen million dollars a nanosecond,
that's when they walk up to you when you're on the
phone. "Dad? Dad? Dad? Dad? Dad? Dad? Dad? Dad? Dad?
Dad?" "I'm on the phone!" "Oh, dad? Dad? Dad? Dad? Dad?
Dad?" "WHAAAAT! I'm on the fuckin' phone...I know
fuckin's a bad word, but you're fuckin' making me say
it! How many times do I have to explain this thing to
you? Are you going to be a grown-up, be thirty-five
years old and go to the office, and go 'Boss! Boss!
Boss! BOSS! BOSS!! BOSS!!!' What?" "Can I have a
cookie?" "It's Leary's kid . fire him, I want him
fired. He's the guy who put the sandwich in my VCR last
week, fire him!"
Me and their mom have been together now for fifteen
years. Yeah, yeah, we're all...you can applaud the
pain. It's very difficult, it's hard, let me tell you
the key things you need to know to stay together that
long. Love, honor, respect, and stay the FUCK away from
each other, really. As much as you can. Get separate
bedrooms if you can, that's the way to do it. Just come
out, eat, talk, fuck, go back in the separate rooms.
That's the best system I've come up with so far, folks.
Don't fuckin' bump into each other too much, that's
what I'm saying. Key thing. And for guys, learn this,
even if you're just going to be living with a woman,
you're not even married to her. Give up any thought of
being involved in the interior decoration of the place
you're going to live in, okay? Just give it up! And all
your stuff? Put it in a storage place, someplace you're
not gonna see it, you're gonna visit occasionally. All
your fuckin' sports mirrors and your beer mirrors . put
'em in storage. I've been to Wayne Gretsky's house .
he's got five MVP trophies...you know where they are?
They're in the fuckin' garage! I go into stores with my
wife now...man, forget about it. She'll say, "What do
you think of those chairs?" "I think they suck." "Too
bad, we just bought eight of them, asshole! Let's go!"
"They're not that bad..." I'd like to tell you more
about my wife, but I'm not allowed to. I'm not