Celebrating The Carpenters 18th November 2009 Complete Program Celebrating the Carpenters (ITV1). Not a programme that chooses to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the release of the duo's debut LP by inviting the Saturdays to come on and cover Please, Mr Postman. Not a programme that allows Jamie Cullum to duet with Kimberley Walsh on Rainy Days and Mondays. Not a programme that is not only presented by Amanda Holden and Ronan Keating, but permits the latter -- a human cheese string -- to perform I Won't Last a Day Without You. Next week, will the Smurfs present a Rolling Stones retrospective and the Moomins unveil their five-point plan for Syrian invasion? Stepping gracefully over the murdered corpses of the Carpenters' greatest hits was Dionne Warwick, who sang (as she did on her 1964 debut album, before Karen and Richard had a hit with it in 1970) Close to You, with professional showmanship as the show stumbled to an end. But by then it was too late. Among the programmes many, many, mistakes was the decision to include archive clips of the Carpenters singing the original versions, along with links from Richard Carpenter today, introducing the next acts. The former, as Karen opened her mouth and that beautiful, unadulterated sound poured out, only served to throw the mediocrity, the almost criminal lack of musicality we have learned to accept in the average contemporary singer, into such sharp relief that you almost cut yourself on it. And the sight of Richard pretending to look forward to the Noisettes giving Goodbye to Love "their own unique twist" almost gave my brain -- already fibrillating under the pressure of trying to calculate the number and magnitude of the lies that must have been told to inveigle him into taking part -- a stress fracture. How much does he need the money? Can we not start a collection? Can one self-cauterise one's own aural passages with only domestic implements if Ronan embarks on a final tribute? It was as if ITV had hoicked up a giant oyster of phlegm and coughed it straight into our ears. I am scrubbing them still.

• published: 22 Sep 2013
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