When did you run away?
How is it far from here?
Only look back when the futures not so clear.
Wondering around the room.
Everythings in its space.
I'm the only thing that dosen't fit in this place.
Whom I supposed to be.
Falling while I'm standing still.
Do I deal so willingly with the fact I lost the will.
My sad song saves me.
My down days feel right.
I dream of a didn't know what keeps me up at night.
Forward, forward, forward, I go forward.
Steady as I don't go.
Thrown into I don't know.
Can I ever let myself, just let myself go.
Floating down the stairs.
No one knows I'm near.
I shout at the shawdows,"Don't let me catch you here!"
Lingering on the porch.
Breathing till I'm bored.
Caught between a prison gate and a wide open door.
Pushing from within.
Everythings not fine.
Tonight I'm going to take back, take back what's mine.
I'm going to take back what's mine.
I'm going to take back what's mine.
Never find me here, never find me here.
There's certain things in a person that turn you on.
They're called turn-on's. Teeth. I love a girl with nice teeth.
If you have a nice set of teeth, that's a turn-on for me.
If you open your lips and it's like "fchank fchank fchank",
if it's like a booby trap -
I don't like when you open your mouth and it's like a battle of epic
proportions goin' on and your teeth are all screamin' at each other.
"I'm a molar, wisdom tooth, get the fuck out of my gums!"
"Hi, I'm a buck tooth and I like to be outside, past the lips.
I enjoy a nice sea brezze from time to time."
"Ahh! I'm the crazy yellow tooth that looks like corn!
Don't brush me! Don't brush me! I have an imagine to uphold.
Don't brush me, I'm yellow. I'm a yellow fang."
Turn-on's. Then there's something called turn-off's and those are things
that turn you off.
If you were a droid, "uhnneww", you'd be turned off.
Like right off the bat, number one thing I don't like:
I don't like a stinky pussy. It's a turn-off.
I don't appreciate that.
Ladies, I'm sure you don't like a funky sack.
But then again, that'd be a great couple.
"You have a stinky pussy!"
"Smell my sack!"
"Ugh!"
"Huh?"
violence.
We have those little violent tendencies.
Im not the only person,
I know your like me when you see somebody walking down the street
Wearing a Superman T-shirt, you just wanna shoot them in the chest.
And when they start to bleed go, "I guess not."
Dont wear the shirt. Wear a shirt that says,
"I bleed if you shoot me in the chest plate".
And i will not shoot you in the chest plate.
that I'm excited to share with you tonight,
and one thing I've realized is that we all want to leave behind a legacy;
we all want to be remembered for something.
And then I was thinking going, How can I be remembered?
and then I suddenly realized you can do it on a daily bases,
even if it's one on one with people.
For example, the other day, I saw a young boy,
and he was eating an ice cream cone,
I ran up and I smashed it into his face,
I leaned in, I go, You remember me forever! and I ran away.
Cause you know when he's 50, he's gonna be like,
One day a man ran up to me, I did not know this man,
he smashed my treat into my eyes. And he pointed and said,
"You fuckin remember me forever."
But I did not say fuckin, I did not say that.
He added fuckin to make the story more intense and interesting.
He deserves to have ice cream smashed in his face,
"I'm a big practical joker man, I love to play practical jokes.
I have one for you guys, you gotta try this.
Really simple, very effective.
Next time your at the airport, your at the airport.
You see someone waitng for their flight, ok, they're just sitting there,
reading a paper whatever, just chillin out.
Here's what your gonna do, just like this.
Walk over to them really slowly, just walk.
Stand right in front of them, wait till they feel you there,
you know what I mean?
When they finally look up at you, just really seriously look them in they
eyes and go like this...
"Don't get on the flight."...hehe...
You know they're sittin' there going.
"I don't think I should get on this fucking flight. I think an ANGEL
just told me not to get on the flight! Thank you angel wearing jeans!"
How bout this one right. All you need for this is a pair of gloves,
just take your gloves, right.
And go down to the bank. Get behind all the people in the bank.
Give the person in front of you a little nudge, just a little nudge.
Wait till they turn around, and when they turn around,
start putting on the gloves and say...
"Now would be a good time to leave, right now."
Either that or take out a piece of paper and a pen and say...
"Hey, how do you spell shoot-you-in-the-fucking-face?
Come on, hurry up, one word? What is it?"
Here's a fun one right.
Guys, next time you at a bar, whatever, and you see a girl at the bar.
Just walk up to her and go like this...
"Hey, are you gonna walk to your car by yourself later?
Weve always had creepy people around; somewhere in your life theres
a creepy individual, and it starts off when we're youngins.
When we're youngins theres a creepy person.
Back in school. back in the day... which, by the way,
I dont know if you know this, was a Wednesday.
Thats a little fun fact.
Yeah, when you refer to back in the day, it was a Wednesday.
Take that home, chew it. its delicious.
Back when we were little tots there was always that one kid in school,
that kid in class, smelt like piss. .Right?
Robby was his name. Robby or Obby.
He was an Obby name... And Obby didnt just smell like a hint of piss.
He didn't smell like a smidgen of piss.
That kid smelt like he was dipped in a vat of piss.
Like he woke up that morning and said, “Woah, bring on the piss!”.
And someone brought on the piss.
I don't know who would bring piss on, but you can pretty much
hire anybody on Google these days ta...
Just type in piss painters or something and im sure somebody would
come over and coat you down, put a sheet of piss on ya for a reasonable
price. . He would steal from the class.
He was a FUCKIN THEIF. A FUCKING, STEALING, THEIF.
He would use his piss vapor as a way to detour you from watching
him STEAL SHIT from the class. cause hes a theif, a klepto thief Obby...
He would always take my favorite markers, those smelly markers.
Remember those? The teacher would put them out, everybody would freak.
Give me the red one! Give me the red one! (snuhh haha snuhhhh)
This smells like cherries. (Snuhh) I guarantee you this, its like cherries,
but it's a marker. (Snuhh) Give me the brown one; ill trade you.
Give me the. (snuhh). cinnamon! This ones cinnamon.
The brown is cinnamon (snuhh). How do they do this? How do they do this?
But the black one always smelled like an asshole, didn't it?
Youd grab the black one (snuhh) - What is that? (snuhh)
It's a bag of asses. (snuhh) Im keepin this, this ones mine. (snuhh)
I cant stop guys, I cant! (snuhh) I just saw Jesus's eyes.
This marker has shown me Jesus's eyes!...
And even though this marker smelt like an asshole,
and you just saw Jesus's eyes...
there was still a kid following you around – Can I smell it? Can I smell?
What does it smell. I didn't get uhh. Can I just uh. Uhhh...
Can I smell Uhhhh.
And finally he would aggravate you till you were like – Here, fine, smell it!
And when he leaned in you would be like – Arrrggggg!
Hahaha, nice face! Im gonna puke blood, what are you?
Let's talk a little bit about L-O-V-E.
Sometimes, you meet somebody and you have what is known as a
"relationship" and things can go great and if it goes great,
then you have a great relationship.
Sometimes, it doesnt go so great, and I like to call that a "relationshit".
When you're not in love, you don't have love,
everybody you know falls in love.
On like, the same day.
Even Karen the Douchebag falls in love.
Even retarded people in your neighborhood are getting
married on their front lawn.
As you drive by - "What? The 'Tards just got married on their lawn.
That's great. I have nobody, and the 'Tards just committed to each
other for a lifetime of tardiness."
Or is that, they're late for everything. I don't know, could be.
I came up with the perfect analogy, right here.
This is what it feels like when you don't have love,
it's like there's a party going on and everyone was invited,
except for you. And you just happen to be walking by that house,
in the rain ...
"Ohh. I wasn't invited to this party."
That's what that feels like. But then again, once you're in love,
you know what that's like?
That's like being inside the party going,
"Where's my jacket? I wanna get out of here. Where's my jacket?
I've been at this party for six years and I wanna see other parties.
Where's my jacket? Someone shit on the coats!
I think someone shit on, about, or around the coats."
I gotta tell you this, 'cause I always wanted to share
This with a crowd.
This is a story, it's a coming of age tale.
And it's about the first time I ever got head.
Come on along with me.
I'll never forget this, I was 17 years old.
And I took this girl out on a date, I took her to
Papagenoo's. And I got her the spaghetti basket.
It's delicious.
And so, at the very end of the date, drove her home,
And we're sitting in front of her house and it's that
Awkward moment, you know, when you wanna kiss but
You're still so shy. And you end up talking for 4 and a
Half fucking hours.
So finally, she leaned in, she was like "Well, anyway,
I should probably go 'cause it's dusk."
And I said, "Yeah, I guess I should go to." We both
Leaned in and we *peck noise* kissed. And then out of
Nowhere, I didn't even expect it. She went "awww".
And so very quickly I ripped off my jeans Like I was in
The NBA, and I put my seat back. And she started to
Give me the bocoik, you know. It was fantastic and it
Felt so good, and suddenly started feeling tingles and
Jingles... like I was about to bocoik, you know what
I'm saying?
The law is we have to tell you. Right ladies? We have
To let you know, we want to tell you. but we don't, at
The same time. So I wan't to tell her, but I tell the
Am I the only person here who loves to watch
a couple together that hates each other's guts?
That has to be the most entertaining thing
when you see two people that just hate each
other together, and look we've all been there
everybody's been in that situation where you
will stay with somebody you don't even like
them. Two weeks in and already you like
"pshh", no way. I can't stand this person, I'll
hang around for 5 or 6 years then we can end
this thing violently. I got time.
Girls, you make the craziest excuses to stay, your
friends will try and get you out of it...
"Why don't you just go? Seriously Jill just go,
Jill? He's a jerk off. Just take your shit and go."
You're like "I can't just go Kim, it's not that simple
my CDs are in his truck. I can't just walk away
from 40 or 50 CDs. It's gonna take 2 or 3 more
years of abuse until I can leave with my CDs."
That couple is the best, they fight over everything.
Every little thing- huge explosion. And it's not
even about the thing; it's about the fact that they
wanna stab each other in the neck with a steak
knife because they hate each other's existence.
They get in what I call "nothing fights."
Fights about absolutely nothing.
Right, you see them waiting in line for the
movie theatre. They hold hands, but it's not
loving at all. It's like this rigor mortis,
rheumatoid arthritis, red rover grip that they
got going on. And everything's an argument.
"I should probably bring my jacket, I might get cold."
"You bring your fucking jacket. Ya think.
Do ya think? Yes. What if they're pumpin'
AC in there, and then you're cold, I have to go
out and I miss the previews cause I gotta get your
fuckin' jacket. Bring your jacket."
I love nothing fights. The best nothing figh
I have ever seen in my life. I was at the
supermarket a few months ago and I'm going
down the aisle and I'm at the Stouffer's French
Bread Pizzas, and I'm deciding do I want four
cheese or one cheese. Cause sometimes, I like
a lot of cheese. Sometimes, I like a dancing plethora
of cheese in my mouth. And then sometimes,
I'm into a more solo cheese adventure. Just a single,
one on one. Me and one cheese. Then sometimes
I want an orgy of cheese on my plate.
So as I'm standing there, contemplating my cheese
future, I hear the nothing fight going on in the
next aisle. I don't know exactly what they are saying,
but I hear mumbles and grumbles. Ok. I hear the
guy going "grumbles" and I hear the girl she's like
[girl voice] "grumbles care... more grumbles care...
I don't even care... even more grumbles care."
[guy] "grumbles... care. I don't even care grumbles again care..."
I hear the nothing fight. I start getting so excited.
I'm like I gotta go watch this, I gotta go see this.
I'm so excited I leave my cart. You never leave your cart.
God forbid somebody comes into the store and
wants exactly that shit. And they're like "What. Jackpot.
This is everything I wanted."
I'm peeking around the Entenmann's cookies and
I'm watching the best nothing fight that I've ever
been a part of. They're in each other's face. Ok,
and the guy is saying to the girl and he's doing it
like this "Do we have any jelly in the house?
Do we or do we not have jelly. You said we
did last time. I'm looking in the cabinets and
I don't see any god damn jelly. I just wanna know
if we have any jelly in the house."
And she's egging him on, she's like [girl voice]
"I don't even like jelly. I don't even like jelly.
I get hives if I even look at jelly. Wha--I don't even
know about jelly. I've never even--What is jelly.
I don't even care."
And he's like "I don't even give a shit about the hives.
I want jelly in the fuckin' house. Stat. Pronto. Tonight.
I don't give a--I will break your neck and pour
jelly all over your body and pray to the gods of
jelly to burn your soul in a jelly like hell. Now get the jelly!"
I'm so excited; I'm eating the Entenmann's out of the box.
I've opened a box and I am eating. I'll pay for it.
Relax. I know you're concerned, but I'll pay.
This is the point during the nothing fight that
I like to get involved. I have to get involved and
I have to say something. Just a little jab, a little poke
that will fuel the fire. And help take it to the next level.
As they're going back and forth, I walk by them, I lean
in, and I go like this, "Hey dude, dude, dude, I
know what you mean about the jelly bro. Tell this
twat to get jelly. Now."
[guy] "See, see! Get the jelly-Uh, what's that
word again? What, Twat! Good word. Thanks bro.
I didnt ev- I forgot about that word. GET THE JELLY TWAT!
My friends took me out the other night.
They were like "Dude we gotta go out man. Let's go."
I was like, "I don't wanna go out."
"Come on dude. Let's go get some chicks!"
Yea? Just like that?
What about that whole middle ground where you're an IDIOT!"
"No dude... Let's go get some chicks!"
So they wanna go out dancing, right.
Which we go, guys, we go to the clubs cuz that's where you go.
The girls go. Girls go to DANCE. You get ready with your friends,
"Let's go dance tonight! Let's just- fuck guys tonight.
Let's just stand in a circle around our shoes and our pocketbooks
And lets just dance. And if guys come near us we'll tazer them. No guys."
You never hear a guy say to one of his buddies,
"Hey. Listen. Mike. Michael. Tonight, dude, I gotta dance. What? Chicks?
No, no, fuck chicks dude. I wanna dance! I just wanna express
Myself throught the art of dance, Mike. I don't wanna see a chick."
Then we just go to the club and we stand over in the
Corner and stare at you while you're out there.
"MINE! she's MINE!"
It's not like in the old days where you come up and are like
"May I have this dance please?"
Yanno? We just fucking out of nowhere POWPOW etc...
What's up? POWPOWPOW You mind if I knock against you with my cock?
POWPOW Just for about an hour? POW My denim cock?
And the lights are blinking so you're like, "Is he good looking?
Is he fucking ugly? What is this? If he's good looking, that's fine.
But if he's ugly..."
Right, if he's ugly you turn back to your friends you're like,
"Help me!"
"OOH right thank you so much!"
You go dancing, right. Here's the thing it's like yanno.
I'm a young guy but I don't care man.
The fucking music at the clubs is usually way too loud.
That one beat all night
*makes beat*
Right? Then you're dancing but in the back of your head you're like,
"This is kinda fucking loud! I would enjoy this if it was a little tiny bit lower.
Just a little tiny bit!" But then you realize it's so loud because
You're dancing in front of the fucking speakers. Yanno. You didn't know.
You're like, " Oh shit we're in front of the goddamn speakers!"
The whole place is fucking speakers.
You think you're going into the bathroom. You're like,
"I'm in the fucking woofer! How did I get in here?"
"Oh my god! Don't go in that door. It's not the bathroom guys.
That's the woofer! They should put a sign that says the woofer cuz
This is the bathroom." And they just play that one beat all night
*makes beat*
Somebody scream! Alright? And all night everyone-oh scream!
The at the end of the night, 3 hours later. They turn on the lights.
Music goes off and all you can hear for 3 days is
*buzzing sound*
You leave the club. Your friends are trying to talk to you they're like
*muffled voice saying hells knows what*
If I ever get really rich I'm just gonna open a bar.
It's gonna be called Head. And if you come there.
You know what the fuck's up! It would be like 150 guys,
"Where are the fuckin chicks dude? Why aren't they coming out to Head?"
"Because they're down the street at TGI Lick my Pussies. That's why.
We gotta come up with some better apps.
-----------------
The other day, I don't know if you've ever gotten this, it was about 2: 30
in the afternoon. I got the itchy-est asshole I've ever gotten on record.
And I keep a record of my itchy assholes. May 14, 1985, I had a very itchy
asshole. This one ousted it, GET OUTA HERE!...old itchy asshole. Oh it's the
worst isn't it? Agh you just feel.usually your at work or some place that you
can't focus on it. You gotta do some other activities, right. The entire day
Had to use a public restroom today... ugh.
Isn't that the worst when you have to?
Godamnit... you j walk in, right. Here's the first thing, I don't care.
Anywhere in the country you go, why when you walk into a public restroom.
Why is everything fucking wet! Right, there's puddles,
Water all over the counter. It's dripping like you're in a fucking cave.
What happened? Was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath?
Just came in and-.
Then god forbid you have to use the stall, right.
You go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door which
Apparently Van Dam kicked in.
Why are they all broken? Who was running in the bathroom
Like I gotta shit? *pound* I can't shit with a door in front of me!
*punch*
Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I shit.
*punch*
Good. Broken. I like that. Now I can... shit.
*punch*
Door...
Then you're sitting there, right.
And then you start to read... you start reading like all the most evil
Ignorant shit ever is all around you! You just sit there.
It's not just written with pencil, it's fucking CARVED!
Who is carving on the toilet?
Who is so pissed off while they're taking a crap they're like...
*fart*
Goddamn Jews!
*fart*
UGH Blacks!
*fart*
UGH! Here's my favorite too, on the walls someone always has to write...
Mike was here. But then somebody else puts an arrow and writes
Mike is a faggot.
Like Mike is coming back to check it out...
What the fuck is this? I was here but not as a faggot!
I'm trying to make a statement here.
There's always like a girls number, always a girls number.
Is anybody ever fucking call!...
If you shaved your beard, and put on a dress, you'd be a great female impersonator
And if you win this contest, we will have failed
Don't mean to be rude, but you look like the Hulk's wife
Simon said
Simon said
The things that Simon said
Simon, we can tell that you were born this season
Your face was the same one that I make every time I watch the Real Housewives of New Jersey
And Simon, you have the honesty of Abe Lincoln, and the charm of the guy who shot him (3, 4! )
Did you take singing lessons? Do you have a lawyer? Then you should sue your teacher
You sounded like Sher after she's been to the dentist
Did you really think you could win American Idol? You must be deaf
Simon said
Simon said
The things that Simon said
Simon said
Simon said
The things that Simon said
Simon says no so often that when he says yes it's because someone just asked him if he said no
You are the inspiration for people everywhere who want to be told they suck on TV in front of millions of people
But let's not forget the other judges
(Randy) Yo dog, I don't know man, it was a little bit pitchy, it was not good for me, I was like "WHAT!"
(Ellen) That was, uh, it was, it was really great, you look like you're, uh, having a good time up there it was great
(Karen) You've gotten lost in this competition, find out what kind of artist you are, you can win this whole thing right now
Now let's hear it from Ryan, after the break
I assume there was no mirror in your dressing room tonight
You've invented a new form of torture
You came across like a background singer for a background singer
I'm sorry, there's bad, then there is you
Simon said
Simon said
The things that Simon said
Simon said
Simon said
The things that Simon said
Simon said (You know you said it)
Simon said (You know you said it)
The things that Simon said
The things that Simon said
I've been swearing a lot lately.
Ever go through those modes where you just can't help but swear
All the time? Fuck is like the best word ever. It really is.
It's perfect. It's just FUCK.
I's cuz it's got the ffff and the uh and the CA!... Fu-ca!
When somebody finally says Hey Fuck you!, there's nothing better.
I just look at them and I go yeah. Yeah that's right fuck me.
Good use of fuck right there.
You really gotta emphasize the fff too, right.
Say fuck, FUCK. You can't- you gotta hit the F. You can't go f -UCK.
Doesn't have the same who-uh-kuk. Can't just hit the K. UCK. No.
This guy, now we got in this little beef, we got in this little fight, right.
And he yelled fuck you. And there's nothing about- once somebody
Hits you with fuck you. That's it. There's nothing better.
There's nothing about- you can't come back with... Oh? Fuck me?
Yeah uh Gaylord! No, doesn't have the same-.
The he gave me the finger, this dude gave me the finger.
He gave me the best finger I've ever seen.
You know, sometimes people give you the finger and it's sucks.
They're like
*fart*
Trick or treat! And you just laugh cuz they don't- no form or anything.
It's just this stump, this little pig... pig hoof. Wee.
Yeah that's a good one. This dude he fuckin was like *BOOM*
He fucking- it was huge! He had like 8 knuckles man.
It was like a rocket, it went *SHOOO*
I think about having kids. I'd love to have some kids.
I've been thinking about kids. I wanna have like 19 kids.
I think naming them, that's gonna be fun.
Whatever the names you come up with, that's exciting, right there.
You get to both decide, "Hey, do you wanna name that. nooo i don't like
that. Alright." It's like a little game, you try and come up with...
I already have names picked out. I don't even know.
First kid, boy, girl. I don't care. First one that comes out I'm naming it
RHRHRHH.
I think it's beautiful. It's feminine but strong at the same time.
"Time for bed RHRHR. I SAID TIME FOR BED RHRHRHRHHR!
NO COOKIES RHRHRHR! Typical RHRHR!
Daddy's on the phone RHRRH. daddy's on the phone..."
I'm gonna name a group of kids after my favorite cartoon.
I'm gonna name a bunch of them after Transformers. That'a be great!
Oh ya! Just to be like, "Optimus Prime come here for a second,
I wanna talk to you. Come here. You sit next to Megatron,
We're gonna have a little chit-chat over here.
I am the Cobra Comander in this. RHRHRHRHRHRHR!
I SAID NO COOKIES! RHRHRHRHRRHAHRHRRHHAHARHAHHH!
RHRHRHRHRRHR! This FUCKING HRHRRHRHRRH is driving me up a
FUCKING wall! RHRHRHRHAHRHARHARHAHRHRHRHR!"
Wouldn't it be fun to have a bunch of kids and abandon them somewhere.
Just knock em out of the car,
"I'm out. "
When I was a little kid, I had- I shared everything I had.
I had one brother alright one brother, five sisters.
Dude, I had to wear a tampon just to fit in. I swear to god. Brutal.
They used to dress me in their clothes and shit. You know what I mean?
Send me to school in their fashions.
I'm the only guy in eighth grade wearing like wrangler jeans and... JELLIES!
Nice... nice. Member Jellies? You get a rock in em. OOOHH oooh!
These shoes are trying to kill me! I got a brand new denim jacket...
they bedazzled it and shit. I had a big glittery unicorn on my jacket.
No wonder I'm getting beat up at school. Hi guys do you like my jacket?
I was over at your a... I went to one of these malls.
You got a big mall going on over there.
The galleria there. Holy Shit!
I went over to the mall.
I, I had to park nearby in a parking structure.
You know when you park... in the parking structure...
you you you know you go up like, there's like 40 stories,
and you always have to park up on the fucking roof.
What do they pave that with? What is that? That's not concrete.
Whatever that's paved - you could be like driving 5 miles an hour.
It sounds like you're in a chase scene from Chips!
It's like,
SCREECH
I'm backing up!
SCREECH
What the fuck is that? You got sneakers on.
You're trying to walk in,
SCREECH
Where's the door?!
SCREECH
Keep it going for that joke.
*Appluase*
Keep it going. That's only the first of many.
In fact, let me do that one again just so we all feel like we're a part of it.
You ever go to the mall there, The Galleria? There's a parking structure.
What is that paved with? It's not cement.
So many crappy- the first job I had, right. The first job when I was uh
17 uh was Burger King. That was the first job that I had, alright.
I didn't want to call it Burger King either cause like yanno.
So I used to call it the BK Lounge. If the girls were like...
Where do you work?.I was like I work down at the BK Lounge.
I'm a bouncer at the BK Lounge. Can we get in?
Not without coups. Not without coups baby.
So I get the job because my one older brother, my older brother Darrell.
He's the manager and I'm like this is gonna be awesome cuz my bro,
manager hooked me up. He was a dick!
He thought he was THE Burger King! You know what I'm saying?
He sucked! He would put me on drive thru every single night.
Why to this day do people insist on yelling at the drive thru?
It's modern technology. I'd have my little headset.
Welcome to Burger King. May I please take your order?
WHOPPER. Sir? WHOPPER NO ONION.
Excuse me, I'm fucking bleeding from the ears here ok?
Let's turn the main down a tad, ok skidrow?
LARGE FRY MOTHAFUCKA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU BURGER KING!
ARE YOU READY TO ROCK BK BROILER?
I would rather have had people yell,
it was when people didn't talk loud enough. That drove me CRAZY.
I'd have like 10 cars out there and I'd be like Hi Mam
May I please take your order?
*mumbles* some pickles, no no no cheese, uh extra cheese, pickles
What do you want? What do you want?
*mumbles* bun seeds, no bun seeds
What do you want?... no no no no yes no cheese, extra pickles
*mumbles* how much? eh cheese
Mam I can't-hello?...pickle, extra pickles, cheese, bun seeds,
and pickles all my pickles and some extra pickly pickles, cheese, pickles
OK are you trying to molest me via drive thru. What are you saying?
Chicken tenders. Sweet and sour sauce on my pussy!
DRIVE AROUND GET SOME SAUCE DRIVE AROUND MAM
SAUCE SAUCE SAUCE she want's it her way. That's our motto.
It's- come on sauce!
I took I took a lady's order one time. I'll never forget this.
I go like this. Mam. That'll be $3.75. Please drive around.
And then there's like this long pause and then she goes.
Where do I go? ...Where do you go?!
You follow the one fucking road you're on to me!
Where do you Ok mam you're gonna go to the Texaco station.
Take a right. Go 5 and a half miles southeast.
You're gonna see a guy in a yellow poncho. His name is Hank.
He'll take you to the whopper Lair. That's where you go.
You always want head. We love it. We always have to watch, right.
Right. And if you've got a lot of hair we fucking turn into Vidal Sasoon
All of a sudden. We got like scrunchies, banana clips comin out of nowhere.
Hairspray *SSS* Good. Good. Front row seats. I like that with the lips.
The thing you're doing with the lips is good.
You know what's so weird. Why does this happen?
This is a weird thing. Phenomanon. Right, sometimes guys,
You're having sex, right. And everything's going great.
Everything's you know Right.
All of a sudden you hear like a voice comes into our... our brains.
Starts telling us to say shit like... Yeah say that! Say that!
That's perfect! Say that right now. Right, and you're like Yeah.
I'll fucking say that. You just grab her hair and you whisper... eghhh.
You don't even think about it. Just say it ya fucking say say things.
You hear what I say? You like that huh? Right, you say- but sometimes
You say some shit and you think of it like two hours later and you're
Like "What the fuck was I talking about!" And you get like embarrased.
I was with a girl recently, right. I was totally just in the zone.
Out of nowhere I was like...
"Uh yea my dick feels like corn!"
Sounded good at the time!
She didn't even miss a beat she was like
"Give me the butter baby give me the butter!"
*punch*
Come on Orville Redenbacher... pop that pussy.
*punch*
We should just have an orgy right here right now.
Let's just turn off the fucking lights and everybody just feel around!
Let's turn off the lights and play a game called uh
"Who's in my Mouth?"
What did you say? Careful? What are you like my lifeguard?
Careful... careful Dane! What are you spotting my jokes?
Ladies and Gentlemen, put you hands together for Dane Cook, come on!
*cheers and claps*
Yeah! Keep it going for the comics you've seen tonight.
Keep it going for the comics you've seen, any night!
Keep it... forget comics,
Just keep it going for people that are kinda funny at parties.
You know what, fuck that!
Just keep it going for people who say things that aren't funny,
but you laugh just to make them feel like they're not an idiot.
You kinda just go *HAHAHA* and then when they leave your like,
What a fuckin' idiot! Keep it going for them!
Keep it going for you guys, yeah!
*Dane laughs*
What's happenin'? You guys feelin' good tonight, yea?"
This is another one too and i knew you're like me,
I hate it when somebody turns around on my driveway,
You're just sitting comfortabely watching TV,
You hear a car
plusfs who's this?
he its so disrupted if you look out strange car,
You don't know if its a goverment official
you start getting concernt
What I don't know this car,
Then they turn to leave ya,
YOU SON OF A BITCH!!
you waisted moments of my life
moments i will never get back
Someday o I am gonna run out to that car catch them before they leave,
knock on the window make em roll down
you ever turn around on my driveway again,
I gonna cut your fucking head off
I gonna put your head on my antenna and drive around,
with your head on my antenna,
And hopefully i'll get a tougher??
and he goes are you outta your fucking mind?
Then i pull on the switch play
You really are outta your fucking mind!
And i go zang sadam.
I hope they never come back and try to turn around my driveway again,
cause then i'll be in the window like
I couldn't spell when I was a little kid, I couldn't spell.
So my parents were all concerned so they went down to the uh toy store.
They bought me a little red box called Speak... n' spell.
You remember that? Speak n' spell?
They shouldn't have called it speak and spell.
What they should've called it was Speak... Like the Devil!
Remember the voice A-E-I-O-U. What was that? A-B-C-D-
*punch, scream* That thing was evil. L-M-N-.
That thing would wake me in the middle of the night like 2 in the morning...
Play with me! Get up, I wanna spell right now! I'm 8 years old.
I spell great. I talk like a freak.
I had that game Operation, remember that game Operation?
Big naked white guy. He had no pee pee at all.
He had no. Bigok, no scrumdidly-umptious. no cash and prizes.
He was like that guy from Silence of the Lambs, remember,
he tucked it in... "Put the lotion in the basket... Put the LOATION
in the BASKET!"
*guy laughs*
"You're laughing 'cause you've done it you freak!
Your a freak, your a freak!"... I used to do it...
I used to come out of my girlfriends bathroom naked,
"Look, I'm just like you."
I was always afraid that one time she would be like...
*WAhhhh* I'm just like you!" AGH "I'm just like you!
Shhhhhh."...
Monopoly, theres another little game. We had Monopoly, everybody had it.
No one like it, even if you thinked you liked the game you didn't.
And it's simple why, ok.
Cause this is anyone here 2 and a half hours into a game of Monopoly,
ready?...
*Booush* "FUCK THIS GAME! It's 4 in the morning grandma, YOU WIN!
I'm sittin on Baltic with crap! I'm paying lunch re-tax out the ass!
And I hate when your the banker,
where did you get the pink 50's you cheating whore!
Don't fucking touch me grandpa, NANA is a cheating whore!
I should cut you head off with this little doggy!"...
"We were so poor growing up, we had to use that iron.
We had to actually use that little iron. It's not funny.
It takes a long time to iron a shirt with that little iron...
Here's what went down, okay. I'm standing next to this guy, this entire thing starts off with a sneeze. A sneeze started this entire situation off, okay. I'm standing next to this guy, I don't know this man, I've never met hi before in my life, or in a past life. I can sense this.
Standing next to this man, never met him before. He turns towards me and he sneezes like this, he goes, PHWHUUUH!
He actually did like the robot from '85. PHWHUUUUH! Yeah, he turns towards me, and he sneezed. And there was no blockage. There was no hand or the mouth. There was no burying the arm. There's no, the thing where you try to make somebody run away like you're about to turn into a werewolf.
Hey, something's happening me to me, grrrra. No. He just cocked and PHWUUUUUH!
Two things happened. First of all, it just, it scared the ever-livin' outta me, okay? I jumped. It was was very audible, very loud. But besides that, just the way the light was hitting this guy's face, debris came out. Alotta stuff.
Almost like when you use Windex and you put it on mist mode. You kow mist mode? As oppsed to what other mode, is that laser mode? Does anybody even use that? Is that in case you want to mount a sniper-scope on your Windex and... I got a stain about 8 clicks. (click noise) I am taking the shot. psssst... negative, I missed. I missed the target, I need one more. Psssst. got it. Let's go home boys.
I am going to tell you right now, please, when you use the Windex bottle, never put that shit half-way. Always make sure it's lined up. There's no joke here. Don't do that.
Bad things happen to good people. I know someone here tonight is going to go home and go, hold on I gotta try this shit. What happens if you don't line it up, I just wanna see. Hold on. What if when you did that a fuckin' ghost came out... HAHAH. He told you not to. Hahaha. I am windextorrr. I will clean your souuulll. HAHAAH.
He sneezed. Debris. Movement.
Okay, now at this point I'm digusted. And I'm grossed out. Okay. I'm grossed out by it.
And at first I think, I'm going to go off on this guy. And then I decided, Wait a second Dane, don't do that. Take the high road. Try to be polite.
So I turn to him and this is what I said. I looked at him and I went, uhh God Bless You. Yeah, I said it like that. God Bless You. Which is God Bless You but it kinda sounds like, cover you're fuckin mouth.
Yeah. Incognito. I turned to the guy. I say God Bless You by the way when someone sneezed. I don't say Bless You. I don't say that becauseeee, I'm not the Lord. I can't do that.
I'm just a messenger for big guns upstairs. You know what I'm sayin'? Haahaha.
And I never go with Gesundheit. I don't know you even says that. If I say Gesundheit I feel like I'm honoring Hilter. Like I should be like Gesundheit! I end up on the history channel because the guy sneezed.
God Bless You. This is what the guy comes back with, okay. Here's where it starts to get out of control. The guy looks at me and very condescending. He goes, uhhh. yeahh... I'm an Atheist.
Yeah what a jerk right? I'm trying to be polite and I don't know you're and Atheist. And even if I did what and I supposed to say when an Atheist sneezes? Uhhhh... when you die nothing happens.
So now. Oh Man. Now I start getting into like, a religious debate with this guy. And it is awful. Okay. He's questioning my beliefs. Well, what about you? What, what did you grow up?
Well, I was raised Catholic, I waaas raised Catholic. And. Peace be with you. And also with you. Lift up your hearts. Dinga Dinga Dinga Ding. Haaha.
As I'm telling him about my religious background, he is laughing at me. He is Laughing at me. He's giggling. He's like, if you believe this. hahah. ohhh... ahhh. Now for his own entertainment he says this. Let me ask you this. What do you believe happens to you after um, after you die?
And I said uhh... okay. well, hopefully I live a good life and my soul goes to heaven and when I get there all my ancestors will be waiting for me like it's an airport.
HEYYY! Whatsupp? Guess who's dead sucker. Hahahaaa. Come here. Float over here. Check this out.
I'm telling him this. He's laughing even more. He is so condescending. He's so snarky with his fuckin' attitude. Yeah. Snarky it's a word. Google that shit. It exsists. I'm not kidding. Snarky. Great word. Google magic my friends.
And just incase you're wondering. I do keep my keyboard right at my lips. You see this happening and you're like Dane, that's awfully close to you're face. Oh. I know. Cause for the spacebar. I kiss. Mwahh. That saves time. To whom it may concern. Mwahhh. And I kiss.
Unless it's an aggressive letter. And then I head butt. I head butt the space bar. I have a pad on there. How dare you. How dare all of you.
So he's laughing at my beliefs. And finally, I just snap it.
OKay! What about, What about you? Alright. You're an Atheist. What does that mean? What happens to you after you die? Now he gets really serious like he's about to school me. Okay. Oh I can tell you young man. I can tell you. I KNOW what's going to happen to me after I die.
After I pass on, my body will become one with this earth. From there, I will become a fertilizer for this planet. And with that. I will return as a huge, beautiful tree. That's what this guy believes. He laughing at me. He's going to come back as a fuckin ficus. Yeah.
Johnny weeping willow over here.
I wanted to slam this guy so bad for this right. But then I stopped. I stopped you guys please hear me out. I let it sink in and I want you guys to as well.
Did you see that clip they were like showing the other day on uh ESPN
or whatever. They were showing like the best crazy accidents or something.
It was like the best of the worst car you know like.
They showed this one clip man . If you saw this this was nuts.
The two cars go around the corner and they like catch each other
they start to roll. The tire flys into the stands, hit's a woman in the face!
And when you first saw it you were like OOOOOO!
That tire just hit that woman in the in the face!
Oh good they're showin' it again Look Look Look Look at this right here.
Slow it down.yeah that's when it hits her in the face.
And the funny thing is everybody around the lady like dove out of there.
Everyone got out of there but she just like sits there like.
You see everyone dives and at the last minute as the tire is rocketing at her
face. This is her defense. She goes OOOOO!
Like she's just gonna get in a slap fight with a Goodyear.
Like she's just gonna go PAH and deflect it.
Or maybe she just palmed it PAH.
There can only be one Highlander! Tires cannot defeat me!
What a horrible way to go... What happened to Mary?
A tire... hit her in the face. How do you say that without laughing.
A tire- I can't even do it now! How did Mary die? A TIRE hit her in the FACE!
What was she doing putting her face near tires?
No no no no this tire hunted Mary down. This tire murdered Mary.
This tire wasn't fucking around as we like to say.
This tire was out for vengeance.
I wish I had some superpowers. I was thinking about that the other day.
Maybe quit comedy, fight some crime. Everybody wants to fly. That's the
number one power. If I could grant you a power, "Dane, I'd love to fly."
Yeah? Who the fuck doesn't. Who doesn't want to leave the show tonight
and be like, "Alright I'll catch you guys later." *Shwwooosh* and zip up into
the skies. "I can show you the world. Shining, shimmering splendor."
I'd love to shoot a laser out of my cock. And when I'm empty my balls glow.
Low fuel. Balls are empty.
You know what I'd like to be able to do more than anything else? I'd love to
be able to shoot spaghetti out of my fingertips. *Pppthhh.* 'Cause no one
wants to be covered in spaghetti. No. If I'm on a date with a girl and she's
very rude I'll be like, you know what? *PPpptthhh* Enjoy your spaghetti
you're very rude. Enjoy your spaghetti, 'cause you're rude. *Pppttthh*
These are all dreams. These are all things we want to have.
(To man in audience) If I could grant you a power, any power, what would
you want? Anything right now? "Dah, Jesus." You want to be Jesus? God
you're such an egotistical prick. He thinks he's Jesus. Ah, Jesus. I'd love to
cover him with spaghetti right now. *Ppppttthh* Enjoy your spaghetti,
you're very egotistical.
You know what i hate, the one thing i hated growing up.
I hated being tickled. Tickling's the worst.
Cuz it started out fun. Right?
"Tickling, lets tickle!' started fun ended horribly.
Didnt it always escalade the same way first you would be like
"Hahahahahahaaahaa c'mon! Hahhaaahaa i can't bre! I can't breathe!
Cut it out! Stop It! im going to throw up!"
and they couldnt stop they're like "Hahahaaahaa I dont care! Hahaahaa!"
You are the one everyone wants to be
I am the one they say, "I'm glad that's not me."
When I go to sleep, I dream about you
When you go to sleep, I bet you dream about you, too
Your life is filled with good times and cool clothes
My life stands still, just watching where your life goes
God please, let me live in your world for one week
This life all yours, and it's a tease for those like me...
And it's a tease for those like me...
Sometimes I picture myself beating you up
I see myself slamming your head off the ground
And you beg and you plead and you cry constantly
I'll make you say that I'm the best and make you say you wish you were me
And then, in your mind, I see me fucking your girl
Your cool car is now mine and so is your popular world
All your friends, they love me, and love that I HATE YOU
I'm like superhero, God that ass motherfucker red, white and blue
You don't know me, but I know you
It's a reel of hate thing; I love to hate you
I get so frustrated... but tell me, just what can I do?
I'll never be you (So true) [x4]
I'll never be you
I'll never be you
No, I'll never be you
I'll never be you
I'll never be you
No, I'll never be you
I'll never be
Never be Y-O-U
I wanna neva be...
I will never neva be...
You you you you you...
I wanna be [x4]
I want to be you
But alas, this song past, my daydream fades to black
Boring me, hopelessly, wishing that you'd be attacked
And raped by demented monkeys with huge cocks
And painted green like a jellybean
Made a trampoline and a toxic swamp
You're so smug, and so fake with your laugh and your click
I want to be you so bad it makes me so fucking sick
But you suck, and you stink, and you're soulless and mean
I wanna be in your fake, smug world
We can hang out down at the Coffee Bean
We can hang out down at the Coffee Bean
You and me hanging down at the Coffee Bean
I will never be
Never, never be
I know I'll never
No, I'll never
I know
No I'll never be you and that fucking pisses me off
I hate you, I hate you but I really, really want to be you
I've always wanted to be abducted by a UFO.
Yeah sometimes, I just go hang out in the woods.
Im just waiting for that blue light (UFO noise) AHHHHHH.
Thats how they suck you up, by a beam of light.
They suck you up by your chest. and thats not nessecary,
through a rope ladder down, I'll climb up.
I'm interested, I'm here for you.
Don't suck me up by my chest, that hurts.
ou're a hovering craft,
why wouldnt I come in and poke around for a minute.
It would be great to be abducted, what did you guys do this weekend?
Dude we got hammered, it was awesome.
Oh yeah, I was abducted. I was zippin around the galaxy. haha.
Sometimes if I think about, if UFO's come down,
I get a little concerned because then I thought this scenario,
this would be the altimate, full circle, slap in the face of the united states.
What if this happens, because look, we're the greatest country on earth,
but we get a little cocky from time to time...
if we don't like the way your country is doin its business,
we'll kick the door in, (door noise)
Hey, hey, knock it off, you're buggin the world, cut it out.
And if you don't listen to us, well through all kinds of weapons
and crazy shit at 'cha...
which we always apologize about using 20 or 30 years later,
listen we're really sorry about that, we were a little drunk at the time,
and we got a little rambunchous. the bomb,
we didnt know it was gonna do that.
we thought it was a contained blast and we didnt know
it would make everything blow into smitherines...
and you were being kinda a bitch, country, country,
you were being kinda a bitch.
Are we cool now? Do you mind if we leave 3/4 thousand toops and
maybe some supplies here,
you dont mind that do ya? DO YA MIND?
You wouldnt want us to get drunk again would ya!?
High five us, photo op, (CHING)
We get a little ha, we get a little cocky, what if this happens, oh my god,
what if this happens.
what if the mother ship, (booooooom) comes over middle america,
and we're all sitting watching tv,
all the news crews are focus'd in and were sitting there watching,
what if when the hatches finally open (chaaaaa)
outta the UFO's come thousands of 100 foot native american indians?!
We're gonna be watching like. FUCK those are huge indians.
Please tell me there not giant indians, god damnit there huge indians,
alright good game america, we had some fun huh?
Hi giant indians, we did some shit... and... uhhhh... ah aha ha.
I finally got to see something I've always wanted to witness live.
I finally saw someone get hit by a car.
Nailed, this guy got hit right in the hip.
That's your center of gravity and that sends you flipping through the air
like Eddie Gordo from Tekken when someone doesn't know
how to do combos and they're just hitting the buttons randomly.
I always just miss it, right?
I'm looking, and then I go to order my twisty cone.
*Collision noise*
Oh what, what happened?!
The guy got hit? No.
I just went to order my twisty cone and I missed it.
This guy gets nailed. this is the setup.
He's walking down the street and he's doing that whacky speed walk...
he's got the buds in his ears, and I don't know what you're listening to
that makes you do this fucking walk.
Maybe just a tambourine or maracas.
You're just. *shookashookashookashooka*.
So Johnny Tambourine is walking down the street,
he's got the "not a good time to cross" signal.
As he's going across, I see the car *car noise* coming down the street.
When I see the car coming, I'm like...
"Yesssss finally. don't talk to me. don't talk to me I gotta see this."
*collision noise*
The guy goes flying into the air, his shoes flew off.
When you get hit by a car, sometimes your shoes will fly off.
Sometimes your pants will come off.
But I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion on this strike.
And before I go any further, here's the best part.
This is how he lands on the other side of the car
which was a dodge by the way,
and I thought that was kind of funny and ironic.
I just -- I got a little humor out of that.
I did try to help this man.
as the car was coming towards him I reached out and I said,
"ohhhhh. ohhhhh."
That's all I could think of to say.
Theres so many things now in retrospect that I would love
I would love to have been like "you're about to get struck by a vehicle!"
I did not have time to say "You're about to get struck by a vehicle"
so I went with "ohhhhh!" which is like a concerned moan.
The guy gets tagged okay, the greatest part of the story.
He's in the air flipping around,
this is how he lands on the other side of the car.
He comes down perfectly on his feet and then he jumps in the air
and he starts walking around, embarassed.
He's trying to play it off like he didn't just get hit, by a car.
People around him are like...
--"Oh my god! Oh my god! Are you alright? Are you okay?"
He's like ...
--"I'm fine, I'm fine. Seriously, I'm fine. I'm a little bit hungry.
But uh other than that I'm fi-"
--"No you should really sit down, you're bleeding from the ears."
--"I know, I know that. I do that.
Every couple of weeks I empty the blood out of my own head,
it's tradition in my family. Has anyone seen my shoes?
I kicked them off in a fit of joy.
I love getting struck by vehicles and sometimes
I'll kick my shoes off in a fit of joy.
I'm fine I'm just gonna go over here and puke shards of my own
pelvis into this bush."
I had this weird dream man.
And yanno how you like have a nightmare and it's so intense,
even your leg tries to wake you up.
Your leg's like,
"GET UP!"
Your leg kicks awake. And you wake up.
I- this was the dream right. I was being chase by a giant crab.
It's not funny. This huge like 50 foot crab.
He was chasing me down a beach and he was doing that
crab run where he was like... and snapping at me with his little snappers.
And he was all night long... he was trucking.
He was doing like 100 miles an hour.
You know like when you're bring chased by a killer or a beast?
In the dream they can run as fast as they want but you can't fucking-
you're like AH COME ON I CAN'T MOVE.
But the fucking crab is like eh... and his eyes were up here and there
was lighting shooting out of its eyes and he was wearing little loafers or
something. I dunno. Oh my leg just fucking went "GET UP!"
And I woke up for like a second and they I went right back into the fucking
dream. Which only happens witha nightmare.
You never like wake up like yanno it's like if you're having sex with
Cindy Crawford. Yyou know how you like wake up and you pretend
you're not awake? Yanno? Try to trick yourself.
Oh no! I'm not awake I'm in Cancun with Cindy. NOOO.
But I fell back into the into the dream and the crab was like waiting for me.
He was like UGH... And i was like NOT AGAIN! All night long.
And then I woke up and I called my buddy Mike.
Yanoo I had to tell somebody like he picks up the phone...
I'm like "Dude I had the weirdest dream last night."
And he goes all concerned, "What was you dream?"
I go,
"I was being chased by a giant crab."
"What?! Dude What?!"
All the sudden he's like hold on and I hear like pages.
*flip flip*
OK I go dude what are you doing? I have a dream book.
I'm looking up crabs to see what they represent in my dream book.
Right so all the sudden he goes like this,
"Dude, Crabs! Hold on Crabs. Uh crab... um uh it represents...
Dude you're gay! That's why you were running away cuz a crab
represents sexuality cuz it doesnt know which way you fucking-
and that's why you ran away. You were running away from your gayness!"
I said what about the lightning? Uh emphasizes the gay!
That's what it says if there's lighting around the crab you're super gay
that's what it says here. Super gay. He wasn't wearing loafers was he?
OH NO! Cuz that would mean you were mega ultron gay like a super
uh.OOh . You're gonna have a little baby?
Oh you're pretty far a long there. What ah how long?
You wanna have him right now? Can we force it or something?
You think he can hear me right now?
You know like some people put music on there you.
I mean like do you put the headphones on there? You do that really?
Do you guys still fuck? Does he ever grab your cock inside and go
EHH I'M IN HERE! .I can't here you BK Broiler!
Can I say hello to him Can I get right up there and and talk?
HI HELLO. You know he's in there like
*baby noises*
Wanna hear something, really this is a fact about me that you don't know.
When I was in the womb, I used to jerk off.
I- that's how young I started jerking off, in the womb.
There's x-rays or whatever.
Cat scans or sketches of me and I'm like this NOO NOO Yeah,
I didn't even know if I was a boy or a girl.
So sometimes I would pretend I was a DJ *scratch noises*
NO... No I can't talk yet.*scratch noises* Maybe this.maybe this.
maybe I do this! Maybe this. I have not decided.
What is this cord keep getting in my way?
Why am I talking like a baby Mexican?
i was talking to this girl the other day and she said
"all guys want is sex"
and i said "listen, finish blowing me, and we are gonna
talk about this...later"...
that's a lie...
i said it because it was funny.
she actually said that she goes "thats all guys,
dane,is sex" and i said to her
"nay..."
i said "theres other things guys want besides sex.
we're just a little embarrassed to admit them but im
putting it out in the universe so you can respect us
for who we are as men"
for example any guy here more than sex if they had the
choice of sex or this one other thing any guy here
would rather be part of a heist!
you know when you watch the movie "Heat" your like "i
wanna do that!"
you just wanna be running down mainstreet with an AK-
47...
pffffpffffpffff
WHERE'S THE VAN?
pffffpffff
THE VAN WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!
pffffff.
we want that guy whos on a computer and is like
"give me a minute i just need one more minute dude i
need one more minute to hack into the mainframe.
im in frenster they re-routed me into frenster i need a
minute...
WHERE'S THE FUCKING VAN! pfffff.
theres always that guy on the team too he was a last
minute replacement hes not one of the original gang but
one of the guys vouches for him
"no no dude trust me this guys cool,
hes solid and hes cool"
but hes not cool is he?
he doesn't really say anything ever right he just
stands there and looks cool, and at one point he might
be like
"let's kill these bitches"
i wanna be part of a heist and i wanna get shot here in
the back of my leg...
pow "OW shit!"
it stings but it still makes me feel kinda cool
i keep looking at the blood going
no no no no...bleeding from the leg
WHERES THE VAN!?
We wanna be a part of a heist and than there's
something else that we want even more than the heist
even more than sex any guy here would love to have
a monkey,
a pet monkey
and people get mad and sometimes youd say oh i'd love
to have a monkey and theres always that one anti-monkey
person in the area.
they over hear you "excuse me i heard you saying you'd
like to have a monkey and thats a horrible idea you do
not want a monkey you do not want a monkey"
theyre a monkey expert and they start listing off all
the reasons YOU can't have a monkey
" let me tell you a few things
can i just have a minute can i have a minute
can i just explain a few things about monkeys that
maybe you dont know before you jump to your conclusion?
its more than just bananas and dancing with tooth
brushes
first of all they crap in their own hands and they
throw it around in a festive manner
like theyre at a celebration of monkey poop and
they make faces that are unacceptable in society..."
i hear these things and im like
thats why i want a monkey all those reasons!
i dont want a nice quiet monkey
i want an evil monkey that i can dress in armor give
him a sword have fights with him inside my place...
how pumped would you be driving home from work knowing
someplace in your house theres a monkey your gonna
battle!
thats awesome!
you walk in..
ahhh...monkey? you here?
...ahhhh...
where are you?...
im in your closet!...
holy shit you just talked!...
i taught myself to talk!...
this is incredibly odd!
i know lets fight!...
ok...
this would be the ultimate what if after the heist you
jump in the van and the monkey is driving the van..
"GET IN! WE GOTTA GO!
WE GOTTA GO! WE GOTTA GO!..........
I grew up Catholic, Catholic. Every Sunday, every
Sunday my dad made us get up and go to mass and you had
to get there what? Quarter of five in the morning. Ya
know because you wanted good seats. There were so many
things to remember to when you got there, there was
like little moves. Nobody knew the moves. Nobody knew.
Like what was that one? Nobody knew, nobody looked at
each other what is this? Try to make it up as you go.
It was Peace. Peace is when you would shake the hands
of the people around you. And the only reason you knew
peace was coming because the priest would say peace
five times rapid fire. He'd go, "And the peaceful
disciple said 'My peace I leave, my peace I give to
you. As we ate Reese's Pieces with the Lord. And he
said I have a piece of lint in my peaceful EYE!'" But
you know what you were doing while he was doing his
little 'peace' rap? You were looking around for the
people whose hands you were not going to shake. This
was church and you were like 'Naw, f*** that guy.' 'No,
here he comes. No peace be with you. I'm all set. Peace
be with you--*slaps hand* I said I'm all set, I'm doing
my thing. I got a lot of people. PEACE OFF! Peace be
with you--don't let go. You do not let go of me!'I just
saw Jesus' eyes. And then it was like 'snack time'
right in the middle of mass... Yeah, right out of no
where the priest will look down and be like, " LETS
HAVE SOME YUM YUMSSSS... I'VE MADE SNACKKSSS."The
crouton-o-Christ. The Jeezit.And he was like this and I
got mad because he always kept them like this so I used
to always want to mess with the priest, y'know. When it
was my turn to get in the front of the line, I'd be
like, "Ahh *sticks out tongue and holds out hands* Your
move holy man... choose wisely." I always wanted to
grab the bowl, go home, and add milk. Start your day
out the holy way with Christ Chex. It's a miracle in a
bowl. Open up the box it's like, "Ahhhhhh !" Little
I'll tell you what dream used to scare me when I was a little kid
Used to actually totally give me nightmares:
Remember those kool-aid commercials?
Where that, no, that talking bowl of punch
He would come crashing through your fuckin' wall in your living room?
You wouldn't even know it (crash)
Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh Yeah!
Right? And all the little kids were all excited. "Yes! Yes!"
And then they would drink out of him after debris fell in his open, dumb head.
He would pour himself. "Oh yeah! Oh yeah!"
Him and his crazy tights.
I don't like that. I don't like when juice wears tights.
It's a horrible combination, a bowl of juice wearing tights.
Fuck drinking out of him, if that was me I'd be like
"No, no, no. You fix that wall before my dad gets home from work.
He's gunna beat me with a belt,
He's not gonna believe a talking bowl of fruit punch came in here.
You stupid idiot.
Yeah comin' through the wall is real fuckin' cool.
Using the front door is cool! Don't touch me you drink!
Don't touch me you giant beverage!
You are sweating or condensating,
I will kick you in the tights and you will go down your very top heavy.
You glass bitch.
You glass bastard."
"Oh yeah!"
"Oh no. Naughty, naughty kool-aid."
"Oh yeah?"
"No, no"
"Oh yeah?"
When I was a little kid I thought I wanted to be a fireman.
I think a lot of guys- Did you wanna be a fireman when
you were a little kid? People ask you.What do you want to be?
I wanna be a FIREMAN! I didn't really wanna be a fireman.
I thought I did. I just really wanted to spray shit with a hose.
That's what I really wanted to do. I wanted to be like a spray-man.
No I was fucking good. I'm not laughing. I was really good with the hose.
I could make it look like if make it feel like it was raining.
If you closed your eyes, you would think it was raining.
That's how good I was. You'd be like Oh my god it is really raining.
It's very cold rain. That's how good I was and I'm not laughing.
You're laughing, i'm not laughing. I could not be a fire-
If I go to a house and it was fully on fire. Fuck that! I quit.
I would just stand outside and watch it burn with everybody else.
And the woman next to me be like... Please my son,
he's screaming in there. I'd be like Well he's probably on fire!
That's what happens when you're on fire lady...
What are you doing out here? You fucking think for yourselfer.
Why didn't you make a map for him or something?
A policeman. I don't know how they do that job man.
What about those cops in New York. I just saw this on CNN a few days ago.
In New York, these cops freaked out, they shot this guy like 15 times
because they said they thought he had a grenade.
He was eating a pear! How do you fuck that up?!
Unless he was eating it like OOOOO (takes bite, throws pear)
THAT'S A DELICIOUS PEAR!
I had one uh job that was kinda cop-like.
One summer I did uh security at a miniature golf course.
Just standing out in the sun all day...
Hey hey excuse me Sir get your putter out of the whale's ass!
Come one this is a place of miniature business.
We never had a pool, right. So one summer, I remember.
My dad, to make me happy. You know I was bummed out cause
we didn't have the pool. So one summer he bought us this thing.
It was yellow, you layed it on the lawn, sprayed it with the water,
run across. Slip n' Slide. Yeah. Would of been fun if dad checked for
rocks before he layed it down! Slip n' Bleed from the aaaaanus they
shoulda called this ride. I was like watch this Ma!
*slide* *scream* NOOO! *scream*
Yeah... Luckily I was wearing that pad.
*applause*
I like that one. You don't have to. This is for me. I was a weird kid man.
Thinking about my future, start thinking about my dream
house. Gosh, can’t wait. Everybody’s got a dream house.
The house of your dreams. You lay in bed, you dream
about it. All the fascinating items you’ll have one
day, and it can be anything you want, dreamers.
Anything. Maybe instead of hallways, you want canals
that you swim down. Maybe at the bottom of your cereal
bowls you want mirrors so you can say hello to yourself
after you drink the milk. “Hello, me.” Dream it, you
fucking dreamers. It’s your dream house. Maybe you
flush the toilet, the toilet goes, “Thanks for shitting
in me. I enjoyed your shit.” Why not? It’s your house.
I have my dream house, and here it is right here. I’ve
always wanted a mystery house ever since i’ve been
young. I’m gonna have it some day too. If i’m having a
party, i want that giant bookshelf that i can go up to,
and when no one’s looking, i pull the big green book.
All of a sudden, i’m in a lab with bunson burners
going. Elixirs and schematics. I don’t even know what
schematics are, but i want them back there cause i know
schematics belong in labs. I even love that creak. I’m
not even gonna WD-40 the sound out. I want the
ambiance. Little secret hallways that you have to run
around like this. You never make secret hallways normal
height so its convenient. They always have to be almost
uncomfortable like, “why the fuck did i build them like
this?” Where’s my lab? Oh, i’ve always wanted to be
able to look through pictures’ eyes. I can’t wait to
have the pictures with eyes so i can look out through.
“Are they really enjoying my party?” and hope that no
one is standing in front of the picture going, “its a
horse with an equestrian, but it looks like Dane’s
eyes.” “OW!” “I just poked the horse’s eyes and it
sounded like Dane getting poked in the eye.” “AHH!”
“Wouldn’t you say its almost like Dane’s behind there
looking through the horse’s eyes.” “AHH! Why am i still
looking?!” “See? Dane!” In my mystery house, i don’t
want guards, i don’t want 911 or alarms. I want trap
doors that i will own and operate. And here’s the
thing: I don’t have the trap doors. I don’t even have
the house yet, but i’m already excited at the
possiblility of a bandit coming into my home to steal –
i get goosebumps. Look at this!- thinking about a
bandit stealing so i can use my trap god-damn doors. I
think i would be so excited that i would leave a path
of expensive gadgets just strewn about in the street up
into my house just to coax a bandit up inside. I would
hide behind the pictures’ eyes, and wait. With my
schematics. I don’t think i could even wait to be
robbed. I thinki would have to use my trap doors on
family, friends, loved ones. I’d be too exicted. My
girlfriend would be like, “you said you washed theses
dishes a week ago and they’re starting to stink.”
“Actually what i said was –--“ “AHH!” “Yes. Now you’re
in a swamp three miles away. Hahaha.” That’s right. I
gotta have a swamp too. Gotta have a swamp. Either a
swamp, our a marsh full of marshmallows. MARSHmallows.
That would be kind of funny too. Cause you’d be pissed
about the trap door, but if you land in marshmallows,
you’d have to kind of be like, “Oh god. I landed in
I've made some upgrades in my life, sometimes you have
to upgrade your life. There's things that you need to
do, you need to invest in yourself, in your soul
[laugh].
I wanted to get a new vehicle and I was thinkin' "What
do I want to get?" and I'm talkin' to my buddies and
I'm like "what do you think, what should I get, What's
something that's badass that when I'm driving around
I'll feel like a B.A. that's a Bad Ass? I shortened it.
And I wanted some suggestions, "What would make me feel
like a Bad Ass Mother Fucker a BAMF?" Again I just
shortened it. You know no one says I'm going to buy a
new car that makes me look like a shithead. Something
delapitated that when i'm driving around people point
and laugh at me in my existence.
SO I was talkin' to my friends, and I was like "What do
you think guys, what should I get that's B.A. That I'm
going to feel cool driving around in?" and my friends
were making suggestions, "You should getter a Hummer 2,
get one of those H2's man that's bad ass. And I looked
at my friends and I said "I dont want a Hummer 2
because people already have that and I dontwant
something that people already have so this what I went
out and got and it's workin' out awesome. I've been
driving around a cement truck.
I put neon underneath, I put 50 inch rims, that I made
myself in my basement, out of alluminum foil and
ornaments. Yeah, and you know that big thing that turns
in the back? My buddies are in there rollin' around. I
padded it don't worry, I padded it.
They have a blasty back there. They love it, I throw
treats in the back, I throw Jolly Rancher watermelon
candies. And they suck on treats, and they roll around,
while I drive the CT2004, That's what I call it.
[applause]
I'm going to put my foot down, I am going to make a
stance right now, I'm going to say this: watermelon is
the only good flavor of Jolly Rancher candies, I will
say that.
Thank you for agreeing with me. If you say sour apple,
I will stab you in the jaw. Sour apple sucks, if you
believe that sour apple is good, you meet me in the
lobby after the show, I'll be the guy stabbing jaws.
Theres not too many of us out there. Just look for the
guy stabbing jaws, that's me come up say 'hello' and
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