And now, what you’ve all been waiting for…
Ah, it’s
that time of year again in beautiful Madison, Wisconsin. The leaves become red,
gold, and orange, like an unchecked forest fire, locusts flock to the area in
droves, Mendota and Menona begin to run with blood, and Lucifer himself takes a
break from eternally punishing the souls of the damned and unbaptized to send the biannual AHA
mass email! Let’s take a look at what horrible evil was sent out to the entire
UW-Madison student populace this semester:
I would like to take this moment to have a
short (long) discussion with you concerning the sentence that has caused a bit of a stir:
“If you get mad about this, we will make fun of
you on our blog.”
Out of all the emails we received in response to our mass
email, emails with a focus on this seemly innocuous little line were the
greatest in number. Now, to avoid any potential confusion, I would like to
explicitly assure anyone and everyone that we appreciate the emails we receive,
whether concerned, supportive, questioning, in agreement, or in disagreement, provided that the emails are thoughtful and
respectful. (For reasons that completely baffle me, most of the emails
received could not quite be classified as “thoughtful and respectful.”)
However, for those of you with legitimate concerns about
this line (that we’re misrepresenting the atheist movement by appearing
close-minded, that we are coming off as petty, etc.,) and for those of you with anger issues (YOU’LL MAKE FUN OF
ME???!?!?! ARRRGGHH!!!!11?1@21!!), I offer you the following explanation.
This message is
sent once a semester from a UW generated list.
You are not subscribed to anything, and will not receive additional messages.
If you get mad about this, we will make fun of you on our blog.
The line
in question follows a little disclaimer, which informs all who read it that what it is that
they are reading is, in fact, a mass email, and it goes to everybody. Thus,
when we say "If you get mad about this," the "this"
references the e-mail itself, and only the email itself. The utilization
of a demonstrative pronoun suggests that we are continuing the subject of the
preceding sentences; in this case, we are discussing the mass email. We are not
saying “we will make fun of your religion,” nor “we hate your stupid dumb
belief things!!!” It is not meant to be some sort of jab.
Additionally, as many of you know, we send out one of these mass emails every
semester… and receive quite a bit of hate mail for it. If you would like some examples
of the last mass email’s responses, you should click
right here. The tradition of sharing and poking fun at some examples of
what we get in return for advertising our student organization is simply a
lighthearted way to take into account some of the very real and very awful
things said to atheists/agnostics/etc. simply because they are
atheist/agnostic/etc. We do not make fun of legitimate beliefs and concerns,
and welcome all to come to our meetings, regardless of religious affiliation.
However, some things just need to be shared, for the sake of comedy and
for the sake of our sanity.
Now, I know what you’re thinking, because I can read your
thoughts with my Wiccan mind-reading heathen powers. You’re thinking, “Gadzooks
Calli, that just got really serious and wasn’t even very funny. You are the
worst blog post writer ever.” That last line was pretty rude of you to think,
but I generally agree that we should quickly put a halt to all of that silly
seriousness and get to the good stuff.
RESPONSES TO THE DISCLAIMER LINE FROM HELL, WITH COMMENTARY
That's
the difference between you and a man of faith. The man of faith would not
"make fun" of you for your beliefs.
I wish this faceless,
righteous man of faith would make fun of me for my beliefs in lieu of doing
some of the other stuff he does, like attempt to garner legal control over my uterus by citing his personal religious beliefs and telling me with some
regularity that I am going to burn in hell for an eternity and what-have-you.
But I suppose we all have our priorities. Some of us are just really sensitive
to being made fun of. :( Sowwy.
Yes,
I am mad., I don't care if you make fun of me but knowing that I stand for God through
his son Jesus Christ who died for all our sins. I pray for you guys that God
whom I serve will enlighten your hearts, that you will come to the knowledge of
the Saving Power in Jesus Christ. Invite me once and I will prove you that Gos
is real!
You were already
invited dude, you got the email. But I would be absolutely thrilled to pieces
if you could prove Gos is real. In fact, I already believe in Gos.
Oh, Gos… *swoon* Wait, you were talking about Ryan Gosling,
right? Or was that just me severely misinterpreting the whole situation? Who
cares. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be watching The Notebook on repeat all night. I mean… I’ll be reading The God Delusion while doing… calculus?
Err…
If I see my name anywhere on your nifty blog ill report you for using a
government subsidized as a tool for religious / spiritual recruitment to
the proper authority. Please send a response showing that you
understand.
Deezle.
Wha-... what is a Deezle? Seriously guys, help me out here. Like, should I fear Deezles? I don't know what feels I feel right now.
This
is ridiculous. "You'll make fun of me?" Great organization. I hope
this organization fails.
And my personal
favorite…
oo
Scary......Atheist Blog
Welcome to AHA, young one.
Now, don’t go thinking that every email we received was in
response to that single line. We got a lot of legitimate criticism from the
student body. I have organized some of the tips, tricks, and suggestions sent
our way for your reading convenience.
STOP EMAILING ME.
Oh… I’m… I’m sorry…
stop emailing me
otherwise you have to deal with police!
I mean, they probably
have other stuff to do, but if you must…
this is awful
I know.
Rock on!
Oh god, how did this
get in here?
fuck off
NO. YOU FUCK OFF.
Oh jeez, sorry you had to see that, guys. I lost my temper.
Your timing is horrible. Couldn't you
have waited until after Sukkot to rip Jews from their tradition? You know, you
athiests have turned into an organized religion. You even proselytize to
recruit people from other religions. It's completely despicable. You are
entitled to your opinions, but don't pervert the concept of atheism by turning
it into a religion.
Does this mean we have to stop
worshiping Richard Dawkins? Hey, guys, stop construction on the forty-foot-tall marble
idol immediately!
By now, I am sure you are exhausted of trudging through my
seemingly endless blog post. I am so close to shutting up, I promise you. I
will leave you with one last gem. Before I reveal it in all its sparkling glory,
however, a very serious topic must be addressed. At the very beginning of the
document, you will notice that I included an
actual screenshot of the email as I personally received it. It is even
time-stamped if you don’t believe me that it is the True Mass Email. Amazingly,
this email even caused grammar controversy (!). Some people informed us that, in the
line “And since we’re the only one, we’re automatically the best!,” instead of
saying “we’re,” we typed “were.” But, if one were to respond to our email to
tell us of this catastrophe, the original email appeared under their response
perfectly fine – apostrophes and all. Basically, the point of all that I am
saying is that the apostrophes were there, I swear to Gos. Maybe the email just
looked weird on your screen or something.
Anyways, enjoy.
Dear Godless Email Spammers,
Based on your email, I feel it is safe to assume that you also do not believe
in punctuation. Confusing "were" and "we're" is pretty
embarrassing for an organization hoping to attract new members.
Sincerely,
Godless Spam Email Recipient
And upon our suggestion that perhaps he is mistaken about the "were" vs. "we're" debacle...
Dear godless
ass-covering amateurs,
It was a nice attempt to cover up for your stupid mistake by editing the
original message in your reply. I have the first email you sent with the
punctuation mistake, and I will send you a screen shot if you like.
[....]
Perhaps Jesus will forgive you for your sins.
Sincerely,
***** *******
It is your
choice whether you laugh or cry at that last email.
I thank you for
your time.
Live long and prosper.
P.S.: To the many, many, many, many, many people who responded to the email to ask us to take you off the mailing list: The mass email goes to everyone in the school. It literally says that in the very email you apparently did not have the time to read, but had the time to respond to. If you want to be taken off the list, drop out of college. Thank you.
