vegansaurus!

Review: Eiji!  »

Eiji is a super-tiny sushi place on Sanchez at 16th Streets. It would be easily missed if it weren’t for the gigantic sign-flag out front that screams, “TOFU!!!!!” How is a vegan supposed to resist? You can’t fly a flag the size of a sperm (hee) whale that says only “TOFU!!!!!!” and not expect to be descended on by my people. And we vegans would be oh-so-right in doing so because the homemade tofu is phenomenal and unlike anything you can buy in the stores (even hippie stores like Rainbow!). There are several kinds, most of which can be served vegan. I know you’re like, “SOME? it’s TOFU, bitch.” and I’m like, “A) you gotta relax with calling me names and B) Yes BUT this is Japanese food made by Japanese people and these fools be lovin’ to put fish flakes on everything, you know?!” So sometimes they can all be made vegan (depending on if you get the nice waiter or the mean waiter) and sometimes only some of them can be made vegan. The hot tofu dish is by far the best and is naturally vegan, kinda like a vegan chawan-mushi (hot savory custard, DUH). UGH SO GOOD. Hot and sweet and it just melts in your mouth and send you straight to heaven. It’s the whole package. It’s the massage and it’s the happy ending.

Apart from the homemade tofu and bizarrely inconsistent service, you must go for the mochi. The mochi is so in demand that you must actually eat in the restaurant to get it. And you can’t just order mochi, you must eat a meal. And even with these crazytown rules, they still sell out of mochi pretty early so put your order in when you arrive to ensure that there will be mochi waiting for you at the end of the meal. Oh man, that pisses the other tables around you off SO MUCH. They are like, “WAH WE FINISHED FIRST, I THOUGHT YOU WERE OUT OF MOCHI, HOW DID THOSE PEOPLE GET SOME WAH” and I’m like, “It’s because we’re better-looking than you.” And that is both a truth and a lie. You see? Anyway, the mochi is house-made with huge fresh strawberries and adzuki bean paste. It’s the best in town and worth the trip. From Mars, even.

Other than that, the veggie sushi options are pretty pedestrian, although high in quality and freshness: cucumber, avocado, squash, etc. They are expertly rolled too and it’s nice to see sushi that is packed tight like an 18-year-old’s ass. What? I’m so sorry.

Oh and make a reservation. And be on time. If you’re not on time, your table will be given away and you will be scolded. It’s no fun.

[sign and tofu photos by pengrin; mochi photo by qf8]

Review: Benkyodo Company!  »

When I die, I want to be mummified in a gigantic* mochi from Benkyodo. Wrap me in that sweet rice dough and throw me into the ground. SO I CAN EAT MY WAY OUT.  What—you thought I was just gonna die?  Bitches, please. I’m gonna fucking come back as the hottest, most awesome zombie you ever saw. First, I’m gonna eat my mochi bodysuit, and then I’m gonna move on to the entire city of San Francisco and I’m not going to stop until I eat the brains of every last one of you faux-liberal fascist asshole pieces of shit. I might be vegan but I am done with you chumps and anyway, I heard human brains taste like strawberry shortcake and I fucking LOVE strawberry shortcake. It is delicious.

*I think I am a size 18W in mochi.

[mochi photo via yelp]