I love words. I thank you for hearing my words.
I want to tell you something about words that I think is important.
They're my work, they're my play, they're my passion.
Words are all we have, really. We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid.
then we assign a word to a thought and we're stuck with that word for
that thought, so be careful with words. I like to think that the same
words that hurt can heal, it is a matter of how you pick them.
There are some people that are not into all the words.
There are some that would have you not use certain words.
There are 400,000 words in the English language and there are 7
of them you can't say on television. What a ratio that is.
399,993 to 7. They must really be bad. They'd have to be outrageous
to be seperated from a group that large. All of you over here,you 7,
Bad Words. That's what they told us they were, remember?
"That's a bad word!" No bad words, bad thoughts, bad intentions,
and words. You know the 7, don't you, that you can't say on television?
"Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, CockSucker, MotherFucker, and Tits"
Those are the heavy seven. Those are the ones that'll infect your soul,
curve your spine, and keep the country from winning the war.
"Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, CockSucker, MotherFucker, and Tits"
Wow! ...and Tits doesn't even belong on the list. That is such a friendly
sounding word. It sounds like a nickname, right? "Hey, Tits, come here,
man. Hey Tits, meet Toots. Toots, Tits. Tits, Toots." It sounds like a
snack, doesn't it? Yes, I know, it is a snack. I don't mean your sexist
snack. I mean New Nabisco Tits!, and new Cheese Tits, Corn Tits,
Pizza Tits, Sesame Tits, Onion Tits, Tater Tits. "Betcha Can't Eat Just
One." That's true. I usually switch off. But I mean, that word does
not belong on the list. Actually none of the words belong on the list,
but you can understand why some of them are there. I'm not
completely insensetive to people's feelings. I can understand why
some of those words got on the list, like CockSucker and
MotherFucker. Those are heavyweight words. There is a lot going on
there. Besides the literal translation and the emotional feeling.
I mean, they're just busy words. There's a lot of syllables to contend
with. And those Ks, those are agressive sounds. They just jump out at
you like "coCKsuCKer, motherfuCKer. coCKsuCKer, motherfuCKer."
It's like an assualt on you. We mentioned Shit earlier, and 2 of the
other 4-letter Anglo-Saxon words are Piss and Cunt, which go
together of course. A little accedental humor there. The reason that
Piss and Cunt are on the list is because a long time ago, there were
certain ladies that said "Those are the 2 I am not going to say. I
don't mind Fuck and Shit but 'P' and 'C' are out.", which led to such
stupid sentences as "Okay you fuckers, I'm going to tinckle now."
And, of course, the word Fuck. I don't really, well that's more
accedental humor, I don't wanna get into that now because I think
it takes to long. But I do mean that. I think the word Fuck is a very
imprortant word. It is the beginning of life, yet it is a word we use to
hurt one another quite often. People much wiser than I am said,
"I'd rather have my son watch a film with 2 people making love
than 2 people trying to kill one another. I, of course, can agree. It is
a great sentence. I wish I knew who said it first. I agree with that but
I like to take it a step further. I'd like to substitute the word Fuck for
the word Kill in all of those movie cliches we grew up with. "Okay,
Sherrif, we're gonna Fuck you now, but we're gonna Fuck you slow."
So maybe next year I'll have a whole fuckin' ramp on the N word.
I hope so. Those are the 7 you can never say on television, under any
circumstanses. You just cannot say them ever ever ever. Not even
clinically. You cannot weave them in on the panel with Doc, and Ed,
and Johnny. I mean, it is just impossible. Forget tHose 7. They're out.
But there are some 2-way words, those double-meaning words.
Remember the ones you giggled at in sixth grade? "...And the cock
CROWED 3 times" "Hey, tha cock CROWED 3 times. ha ha ha ha. Hey, it's in
the bible. ha ha ha ha. There are some 2-way words, like it is okay for
Kirk Youdi to say "Roberto Clametti has 2 balls on him.", but he can't
say "I think he hurt his balls on that play, Tony. Don't you? He's holding
them. He must've hurt them, by God." and the other 2-way word that
goes with that one is Prik. It's okay if it happens to your finger. You
Here's another idea. I'm going to save you a whole lot
of money on prisons, but at the same time we are still
going to remove from society many of our more annoying
citizens. Four groups are going away permanently.
First group: Violent criminals. Here's what you do with
these Emmy award winners. You take the entire state of
Kansas. You move everybody out. You give them a couple
of hundred dollars for their inconvinience, you know.
Got to be fair. And then, you move them out, you put a
big ten story electric fence around Kansas and Kansas
becomes a permanent prison farm for violent criminals.
No parole, no police, no supplies, the only thing you
give them is lethal weapons and live ammunition, so
they can communicate in a meaningful way. Then you put
the whole thing on Cable TV. The Violence Network, VNN.
And for a corporate sponsor, you get one of those
companies that loves to smear it's logo feces all over
the landscape. Budweiser will jump at this shit in half
a minute.
Alright, next group: sex criminals. Completely
incurable, you got to lock them up. You could outlaw
religion and in most cities sex crimes would disappear
in a couple of generations. But we don't have time for
rational solutions! Much easier to fence off another
rectangular state. Rectangular states are cheaper to
fence, saves the taxpayers money, you know? This time
Wyoming. But only for true sex offenders. We're not
going to bother consenting adults who liike to dress up
in leather boy scout uniforms and smash each other in
the head with ballpeen(?) hammers while they take turns
blowing their cat. There's certainly nothing wrong with
that. It's a victimless hobby. And think of how good
the cat must feel! No, we're only going to lock up
rapists and molesters. Those hopless romantics. Who're
so full of love they can't help getting a little of it
on you. Usually on your leg. You take all of these
heavy breathing fun seekers, and you stick them in
Wyoming. And you let them suck, fuck, and fondle, you
let them blow, chew, sniff lick whip gobble and
cornhole each other, until their testicles are
whistling 'Oh Come All Ye Faithful'! And, and you turn
on the cameras and you've got The Sperm Channel! And
don't forget our corporate sponsor, we're going to let
Budweiser put little logo patches on the rapist's pant
right here, 'This Bud's for you'!
Alright, next group: Drug addicts and alcoholics. Not
all of them, don't get nervous. Just the ones who are
making life difficult for at least one other person.
And we're not going to bother first offenders. People
deserve a chance to clean up. Everyone will get...
twelve chances to clean up. Alright, fifteen! Fifteen!
that's fine, and that's it, if you can't make it in
fifteen tries, off you go *fwit* to Colorado! Colorado!
The perfect- a perfect place for staying loaded. Each
week, all of the illegal drugs confiscated in the
United States - that the police and D.E.A. don't keep
for their own personal use - will be air-dropped into
Colorado. And we're going to turn the Coors brewery
over to the beer-drinking assholes, and everyone can
stay wasted wired stoned bombed hammered smashed and
shitfaced round the clock on another new cable channel,
Shitface Central 'This is the real Rocky Mountain
HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH!!!
Ok I've saved my favorite group for last. The maniacs
and crazy people. Yeah. The ones who live out where the
buses don't run. And I distinguish between maniacs and
crazy people. A maniac will beat nine people to death
with a steel dildo. A crazy person will beat nine
people to death with a steel dildo, but he'll be
wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time. So you can't put
them all away. You know you got to keep some of them
around just for the entertainment. Like a guy who tells
you the King of Sweden is using his penis as a radio
transmitter to send anti-semitic lesbian meatloaf
recipies to Soupy Sales and Marvin Hamlisch. A guy like
that you want to give him his own radio show. No, the
maniac farm will be reserved strictly for hopeless
cases. Like a guy who gets a big tatoo on his chest of
Liza Minnelli taking a shit, you know? And he tells you
if he wiggles a certain way it looks like she's wiping
her ass, you know? A guy like that, you want to get him
into custody as quickly as possible. Now, for the
maniac farm, I think there's no question we got to go
with Utah. Utah. Easy to fence. Easy to fence. Right
next to Wyoming and Colorado and Colorado is right next
to Kansas, and that means all four groups of our most
amusing citizens are now in one place.
Except for the big fences. And I think I have another
one of my really good ideas for Cable TV. Gates. Small
sliding gates in the fences. Think of what you've got
here. Think of what you've got. Predators, degenerates,
crackheads and fruitcakes. Nine hundred miles of fence
seperating them. Every fifty miles you put a small
sliding gate. But, the gates are only ten inches wide
and they're only open once a month... for seven
seconds. And you know something? Fuck Cable, this shit
has got to be on Pay-Per-View. Because, if those gates
are only open seven seconds a month, you are going to
have some mighty interesting people pushing and shoving
to be first in line. Deeply disturbed armed cranky
lunatics on drugs. You know the ones. Lot of tatoos...
lot of teeth broken off at the gumline... the true face
of America. And every time you open the gates, some of
the more aggressive ones are going to get through. The
creme de la creme. The alphas. They're going to get
through, they're going to find each other and they're
going to cross-breed. And pretty soon you'll have a
melting pot. Child killers corpse fuckers drug zombies
and full-blown wack-a-loons. Wandering the landscape in
search of truth and fun. Just like now! Everyone will
have guns, everyone will have drugs, and no one will be
in charge. Just like now! But at least we'll have a
But you know, the longer you listen to this abortion
debate, the more you hear this phrase "sanctity of
life". You've heard that. Sanctity of life. You believe
in it? Personally, I think it's a bunch of shit. Well,
I mean, life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you
read history, you realise that God is one of the
leading causes of death. Has been for thousands of
years. Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians all taking
turns killing each other 'cuz God told them it was a
good idea. The sword of God, the blood of the land,
veangence is mine. Millions of dead motherfuckers.
Millions of dead motherfuckers all because they gave
the wrong answer to the God question. "You believe in
God?" "No." *Pdoom*. Dead. "You believe in God?" "Yes."
"You believe in my God? "No." *Poom*. Dead. "My God has
a bigger dick than your God!" Thousands of years.
Thousands of years, and all the best wars, too. The
bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on
religious hatred. Which is fine with me. Hey, any time
a bunch of holy people want to kill each other I'm a
happy guy.
But don't be giving me all this shit about the sanctity
of life. I mean, even if there were such a thing, I
don't think it's something you can blame on God. No,
you know where the sanctity of life came from? We made
it up. You know why? 'Cuz we're alive. Self-interest.
Living people have a strong interest in promoting the
idea that somehow life is sacred. You don't see Abbott
and Costello running around, talking about this shit,
do you? We're not hearing a whole lot from Musolini on
the subject. What's the latest from JFK? Not a goddamn
thing. 'Cuz JFK, Musolini and Abbott and Costello are
fucking dead. They're fucking dead. And dead people
give less than a shit about the sanctity of life. Only
living people care about it so the whole thing grows
out of a completely biased point of view. It's a self
serving, man-made bullshit story.
It's one of these things we tell ourselves so we'll
feel noble. Life is sacred. Makes you feel noble. Well
let me ask you this: if everything that ever lived is
dead, and everything alive is gonna die, where does the
sacred part come in? I'm having trouble with that.
'Cuz, I mean, even with all this stuff we preach about
the sanctity of life, we don't practice it. We don't
practice it. Look at what we'd kill: Mosquitos and
flies. 'Cuz they're pests. Lions and tigers. 'Cuz it's
fun! Chickens and pigs. 'Cuz we're hungry. Pheasants
and quails. 'Cuz it's fun. And we're hungry. And
people. We kill people... 'Cuz they're pests. And it's
fun!
And you might have noticed something else. The sanctity
of life doesn't seem to apply to cancer cells, does it?
You rarely see a bumper sticker that says "Save the
tumors.". Or "I brake for advanced melanoma.". No,
viruses, mold, mildew, maggots, fungus, weeds, E. Coli
bacteria, the crabs. Nothing sacred about those things.
So at best the sanctity of life is kind of a selective
thing. We get to choose which forms of life we feel are
sacred, and we get to kill the rest. Pretty neat deal,
huh? You know how we got it? We made the whole fucking
I'm aware some stare at my hair.
In fact, to be fair,
Some really despair of my hair.
But I don't care,
Cause they're not aware,
Nor are they devonaire.
In fact, they're just square.
They see hair down to there,
Say, "Beware" and go off on a tear!
I say, "No fair!"
A head that's bare is really nowhere.
So be like a bear, be fair with your hair!
Show it you care.
Wear it to there.
Or to there.
Or to there, if you dare!
My wife bought some hair at a fair, to use as a spare.
Did I care?
Au contraire!
Spare hair is fair!
In fact, hair can be rare.
Fred Astair got no hair,
Nor does a chair,
Nor nor a chocolate eclair,
And where is the hair on a pear?
Nowhere, mon frere!
So now that I've shared this affair of the hair,
I'm going to repair to my lair and use Nair, do you care?
(Beard Poem)
Here's my beard.
Ain't it wierd?
Don't be sceered,
The same way we made up the death penalty. We made them
both up, Sanctity of life and the death penalty. Aren't
we versatile? And you know, in this country, now there
are a lot of people who want to expand the death
penalty to include drug dealers. This is really stupid.
Drug dealers aren't afraid to die. They're already
killing each other every day on the streets by the
hundreds. Drive-bys, gang shootings, they're not afraid
to die. Death penalty doesn't mean anything unless you
use it on people who are afraid to die. Like... the
bankers who launder the drug money. The bankers, who
launder, the drug money. Forget the dealers, you want
to slow down that drug traffic, you got to start
executing a few of these fucking bankers. White, middle
class Republican bankers.
And I'm not talking about soft, American executions,
like lethal injection. I'm talking about fucking
crucifixion folks! Let's bring back crucifixions. A
form of capital punishment the Christians and Jews of
America can really appreciate. And I'd go a little
further, I'd crucify people upside-down. Like Saint
Peter, feet up, head down. And naked. I'd have naked
upside-down crucifixions on TV once a week at halftime
on the Monday Night Football game! Halftime! Monday
Night! The Monday Night Crucifixions! You'd have people
tuning in, don't even care about Football! Wouldn't you
like to hear Dan Dierdorf explain why the nails have to
go in at a certain angle? And I'll guarantee you one
thing. You start execute you start nailing one white
banker per week to a big wooden cross, you're going to
see that drug traffic begin to slow down pretty fucking
quick. Pretty fucking quick- you won't even be able to
buy drugs in schools and prisons anymore!
Now, I don't care about capital punishment one way or
another 'cuz I know it doesn’t do anything. It doesn't
do anything, 'cept maybe satisfy a kind of Biblical
need for revenge. You know, if you read The Bible, you
see that it's full of retribution and revenge. So
really, capital punishment is kind of a religious
ritual. It's a purification right. It's a modern
sacrament. And as long as that's true, I say, let's
liven it up a little! I honestly believe that if you
make the death penalty a little more entertaining and
learn to market it correctly, you just might be able to
raise enough money to balance the stupid fucking
budget!! Balance the stupid fucking budget!!
And don't forget, the polls show the American people
want capital punishment, and they want a balanced
budget. And I think even in a fake democracy, people
ought to get what they want once in a while. Just to
feed this illusion that they're really in charge. Let's
use capital punishment the same way we use sports and
television in this country, to distract people and take
their minds off how bad they're being fucked by the
upper one percent. Now, unfortunately, unfortunately
Monday Night Football doesn't last long enough. What we
really need is year-round capital punishment on TV
every night with sponsors. Gotta have sponsors. I'm
sure as long as we're killing people Marlboro
Cigarettes and Dow Chemical would be proud to
participate! Proud to participate! Balance the stupid
fucking budget!!
And- and let me say this to you my interesting Judeo-
Christian friends. Not only- not only do I recommend
crucifixions, I'd be in favor of bringing back
beheadings!! Huh? Beheadings on TV, slow-motion,
instant replay? And maybe you could let the heads roll
down a little hill. And fall into one of five numbered
holes. Let the people at home gamble on which hole the
head is going to fall into. And you do it in a stadium
so the mob can gamble on it too. Raise a little more
money. And if you want to expand the violence a little
longer to sell a few more commercials, instead of using
an axe, you do the beheadings with a hand saw! Hey,
don't bail out on me now, God damnit! The blood is
already on our hands, all we're talking about is a
matter of degree. You want something a little more
delicate, we'll do the beheadings with an olive fork.
That would be nice. And it would take a good God damn
long time. There's a lot of good things we could be
doing.
When's the last time we burned someone at the stake?
It's been too long! Here's another form of capital
punishment, comes out of a nice, rich, religious
tradition. Burning people at the stake. Sponsor:
Bridgeford Charcoal. And you put it on TV on Sunday
mornings. The Sunday Morning Evangelical Send Us An
Offering Praise Jesus Human Bonfire! You don't think
that would get big ratings? In this sick fucking
country?! Shit you'd have people skipping church to
watch this stuff! And you take the money they send in
and the offerings and you use it to balance the budget.
What about boiling people in oil? Boy those were the
days weren't they? You get the oil going real good, you
know, a nice high rolling boil. And then slowly, at the
end of a rope, you lower the perpetrator headfirst into
the boiling oil. Huh? You talk about fun shit! And just
to encourage citizen participation, you let the mob in
the stadium control the speed of the rope. Good, clean,
wholesome family entertainment. The kids'll love it.
The kids'll love it. And at the same time they're
enjoying themselves, we're teaching then a nice,
Christian moral lesson. Boiling people in oil. Sponsor:
Crisco! And maybe, maybe instead of boiling all these
guys every now and then you could french-fry a couple
of them, you know. French-fried felons. Dip a guy in
egg batter, just for a goof, you know? Kind of a
Tempura thing, huh? Jeffrey Dahmer never thought of
this shit did he?! Jeffrey Dahmer, eat you heart out!!
Which is an interesting thought, in and of itself!
Alright, enough nostalgia, what about some modern forms
of capital punishment. How about we throw a guy off the
World Trade Center and whoever he lands on wins the
Publisher's Clearing House? OK something a little more
sophisticated, you dip a guy in brown gravy and lock
him in a small room with a wolverine who's high on
angel dust. There's one guy's not going to be fucking
with to many kids at the bus stop for a while. Here's
something really nice you could do. You shoot a guy out
of a high-speed catapult... right into a brick wall!!
Trouble is, it would be over too quick. No good for TV,
you know? You'd have to do a whole bunch of guys right
in a row. Rapid-fire capital punishment. Fifteen
catapults, while you're shooting off one, you're
loading up the others. 'Course every now and then you
would have to stop to clean off the wall.
Cleanliness... right next to Godliness. Alright hi-
tech. I sense some of you are waiting for hi-tech. I
got it. You take a small, tactical nuclear weapon...
and stick it up a guy's ass! A thermo-nuclear
suppository! Preparation H-Bomb! You talk about
fallout, huh? Whoa! Or, you take the bomb and you stick
it just inside that little hole on the end of a guy's
dick. Yeah, a bomb, in a dick! When it goes off, the
guy wouldn't know whether he was cumming or going!! Ah!
Get outta here!! I gotcha! Hey... listen... I got a lot
Why, why, why, why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place, huh? Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren't they? They're all in favor of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn. But once you're born, you're on your own. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. After that, they don't want to know about you. They don't want to hear from you. No nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. If you're preborn, you're fine; if you're preschool, you're fucked.
Conservatives don't give a shit about you until you reach 'military age'. Then they think you are just fine. Just what they've been looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. Pro-life... pro-life... These people aren't pro-life, they're killing doctors! What kind of pro-life is that? What, they'll do anything they can to save a fetus but if it grows up to be a doctor they just might have to kill it?They're not pro-life. You know what they are? They're anti-woman. Simple as it gets, anti-woman. They don't like them. They don't like women.They believe a woman's primary role is to function as a brood mare for the state.
Pro-life... You don't see many of these white anti-abortion women volunteering to have any black fetuses transplanted into their uteruses, do you? No, you don't see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies, do you? No, that might be something Christ would do. And, you won't see alot of these pro-life people dousing themselves in kerosene and lighting themselves on fire. You know, moraly committed religious people in South Vietnam knew how to stage a goddamn demonstration, didn't they?! They knew how to put on a fucking protest. Light yourself on FIRE!! C'mon, you moral crusaders, let's see a little smoke. To match that fire in your belly.
Here's another question I have: how come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens... See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cuz chickens are decent people. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No, you don't see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When's the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn't happen. 'Cuz chickens are decent people.
But let's get back to this abortion shit. Now, is a fetus a human being? This seems to be the central question. Well, if a fetus is a human being, how come the census doesn't count them? If a fetus is a human being, how come when there's a miscarriage they don't have a funeral? If a fetus is a human being, how come people say 'we have two children and one on the way' instead of saying 'we have three children?' People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process. Continuous, just keeps rolling along. Rolling, rolling, rolling along.
And say you know something? Listen, you can go back further than that. What about the carbon atoms? Hah? Human life could not exist without carbon. So is it just possible that maybe we shouldn't be burning all this coal? Just looking for a little consistency here in these anti-abortion arguments. See the really hardcore people will tell you life begins at fertilization. Fertilization, when the sperm fertilizes the egg. Which is usually a few moments after the man says 'Gee, honey, I was going to pull out but the phone rang and it startled me.' Fertilization.
But even after the egg is fertilized, it's still six or seven days before it reaches the uterus and pregnancy begins, and not every egg makes it that far. Eighty percent of a woman's fertilized eggs are rinsed and flushed out of her body once a month during those delightful few days she has. They wind up on sanitary napkins, and yet they are fertilized eggs. So basically what these anti-abortion people are telling us is that any woman who's had more than more than one period is a serial killer! Consistency. Consistency. Hey, hey, if they really want to get serious, what about all the sperm that are wasted when the state executes a condemned man, one of these pro-life guys who's watching cums in his pants, huh? Here's a guy standing over there with his jockey shorts full of little Vinnies and Debbies, and nobody's saying a word to the guy. Not every ejaculation deserves a name.
Now, speaking of consistency, Catholics, which I was until I reached the age of reason, Catholics and other Christians are against abortions, and they're against homosexuals. Well who has less abortions than homosexuals?! Leave these fucking people alone, for Christ sakes! Here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion! And the Catholics and Christians are just tossing them aside! You'd think they'd make natural allies. Go look for consistency in religion. And speaking of my friends the Catholics, when John Cardinal O'Connor of New York and some of these other Cardinals and Bishops have experienced their first pregnancies and their first labor pains and they've raised a couple of children on minimum wage, then I'll be glad to hear what they have to say about abortion. I'm sure it'll be interesting. Enlightening, too. But, in the meantime what they ought to be doing is telling these priests who took a vow of chastity to keep their hands off the altar boys! Keep your hands to yourself, Father! You know? When Jesus said 'Suffer the little children come unto me', that's not what he was talking about!
So you know what I tell these anti-abortion people? I say 'Hey. Hey. If you think a fetus is more important that a woman, try getting a fetus to wash the shit stains out of your underwear. For no pay and no pension.' I tell them 'Think of an abortion as term limits. That's all it is. Bioligical term limits.
Insecticided grains
For strip-mined mountains, majesty
Above the asphalt plains.
America, America,
Man sheds his waste on thee
And hides the pines
With billboard signs
>From sea to oily sea!
But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I
want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I
really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to
believe that there is a God, who created each of us in
His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and
keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe
that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the
more you look around, the more you realize, something
is fucked up.
Something is wrong here. War, disease, death,
destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime,
corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is
definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the
best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these
do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is
the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with
a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any
decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on
his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I
say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at
these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a
man.
No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this.
So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people
might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe,
just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give a shit,
which I admire in a person, and which would explain a
lot of these bad results.
So rather than be just another mindless religious
robot, mindlessly and aimlessly and blindly believing
that all of this is in the hands of some spooky
incompetent father figure who doesn't give a shit, I
decided to look around for something else to worship.
Something I could really count on.
And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like
that. Overnight I became a sun-worshipper. Well, not
overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But first
thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper.
Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay?
Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually
see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something, I
don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you
know? So everyday I can see the sun, as it gives me
everything I need; heat, light, food, flowers in the
park, reflections on the lake, an occasional skin
cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions,
and we're not setting people on fire simply because
they don't agree with us.
Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no
miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there
are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special
building where we all gather once a week to compare
clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never
tells me I'm unworthy. Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person
who needs to be saved. Hasn't said an unkind word.
Treats me fine. So, I worship the sun. But, I don't
pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn't presume on our
friendship. It's not polite.
I've often thought people treat God rather rudely,
don't you? Asking trillions and trillions of prayers
every day. Asking and pleading and begging for favors.
Do this, gimme that, I need a new car, I want a better
job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday His
day off. It's not nice. And it's no way to treat a
friend.
But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of
different things, you know, your sister needs an
operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested for
defecating in a mall. But most of all, you'd really
like to fuck that hot little redhead down at the
convenience store. You know, the one with the eyepatch
and the clubfoot? Can you pray for that? I think you'd
have to. And I say, fine. Pray for anything you want.
Pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan?
Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made
a Divine Plan. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was
a good plan, put it into practice. And for billions and
billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just
fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well
suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan?
What do you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for
you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a Divine
Plan. What's the use of being God if every run-down
shmuck with a two-dollar prayerbook can come along and
fuck up Your Plan?
And here's something else, another problem you might
have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you
say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine,
but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He
wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the
first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me!
Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to
His Will? It's all very confusing.
So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship
the sun. But, as I said, I don't pray to the sun. You
know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of
all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that
counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things
done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci
came through on a couple of things that God was having
trouble with.
For years I asked God to do something about my noisy
neighbor with the barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened
that cocksucker out with one visit. It's amazing what
you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat.
So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I
noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I
used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer
to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50%
rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I
don't. Same as God, 50-50. Same as the four-leaf clover
and the horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit's
foot, same as the Mojo Man, same as the Voodoo Lady who
tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's
testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your
superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy
yourself.
And for those of you who look to The Bible for moral
lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a
couple of other stories for you. You might want to look
at the Three Little Pigs, that's a good one. Has a nice
happy ending, I'm sure you'll like that. Then there's
Little Red Riding Hood, although it does have that X-
rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the
grandmother. Which I didn't care for, by the way. And
finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral
comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best?
"All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't
put Humpty Dumpty back together again." That's because
there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None,
not one, no God, never was.
In fact, I'm gonna put it this way. If there is a God,
may he strike this audience dead! See? Nothing
happened. Nothing happened? Everybody's okay? All
right, tell you what, I'll raise the stakes a little
bit. If there is a God, may he strike me dead. See?
Nothing happened, oh, wait, I've got a little cramp in
my leg. And my balls hurt. Plus, I'm blind. I'm blind,
oh, now I'm okay again, must have been Joe Pesci, huh?
God Bless Joe Pesci. Thank you all very much. Joe Bless
The paradox of our time in history is that
we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways but narrower viewpoints.
We spend more, but have less. We buy more, but enjoy it less.
We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time;
We have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment;
more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little,
drive too fast, get too angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired,
read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life.
We’ve added years to life, not life to years.
We’ve been all the way to the moon and back,
but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.
We’ve conquered outer space, but not inner space.
We’ve done larger things, but not better things.
We’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
We’ve split the atom, but not our prejudice.
We’ve learned to rush, but not to wait.
We plan more, but accomplish less.
We write more, but learn less.
We build more computers
to hold more information
to produce more copies than ever,
but have less communication.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion;
tall men, and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships.
These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare;
more leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.
These are days of two incomes, but more divorce;
of fancier houses, but broken homes.
These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw-away morality,
one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do
everything from cheer to quiet, to kill.
It is a time when there is much in the show window
and nothing in the stockroom;
a time when technology can bring this letter to you,
and a time when you can choose either to share this insight,
Well I know, some people don't like you to talk about
those things. I know that. Some people don't like you
to mention certain things. Some people don't want you
to say this. Some people don't want you to say that.
Some people think if you mention some things they might
happen...some people are really fucking stupid!
Did you ever notice that? How many really stupid people
you run into during the day? Goddam there's a lot of
stupid bastards walking around. Carry a little pad and
pencil with you. You'll wind up with thirty or forty
names by the end of the day. Look at it this way: Think
of how stupid the average person is and then realize
that half of them are stupider than that. And it
doesn't take you very long to spot one of them does it?
Take you about eight seconds. You'll be listening to
some guy...you say..."this guy is fucking stupid!"
Then...then there are some people, they're not
stupid...they're full of shit. Huh? That doesn't take
very long to spot either, does it? Take you about the
same amount of time. You'll be listening to some
guy..and saying, "well, he's fairly
intelligent......ahht, he's full of shit!" Then there
are some people, their not stupid, their not full of
shit...their fucking nuts! Dan Quayle is all three! All
three! Stupid, full of shit, and fucking nuts! And
where did he get that wife of his? Have you taken a
good look at that Marilyn Quayle? Where did he get her,
at a Halloween party or something? She looks like
Prince Charles for Christ sake! Let me ask you
something, does he actually have to fuck that women!
Huh? God help him, I wouldn't fuck her with a stolen
dick! That's my political humor. People like it when
When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league
bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time
champion of false promises and exaggerated claims,
religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion
easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think
about it. Religion has actually convinced people that
there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches
everything you do, every minute of every day. And the
invisible man has a special list of ten things he does
not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten
things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke
and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send
you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and
cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!
But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He
always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-
knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!
Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes,
and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a
Ohhh, some people don't like you to talk like that.
Ohh, some people like to shut you up for saying those
things.
You know that. Lots of people. Lots of groups in this
country want to tell you how to talk.
Tell you what you can't talk about. Well, sometimes
they'll say, well you can talk about something but you
can't joke about it.
Say you can't joke about something because it's not
funny. Comedians run into that shit all the time.
Like rape. They'll say, "you can't joke about rape.
Rape's not funny."
I say, "fuck you, I think it's hilarious. How do you
like that?"
I can prove to you that rape is funny. Picture Porky
Pig raping Elmer Fudd.
See, hey why do you think they call him "Porky," eh? I
know what you're going to say.
"Elmer was asking for it. Elmer was coming on to Porky.
Porky couldn't help himself, he got a hard- on, he got
horney, he lost control, he went out of his mind."
A lot of men talk like that. A lot of men think that
way. They think it's the woman's fault.
They like to blame the rape on the woman. Say, "she had
it coming, she was wearing a short skirt."
These guys think women ought to go to prison for being
cock teasers. Don't seem fair to me.
Don't seem right, but you can joke about it. I believe
you can joke about anything.
It all depends on how you construct the joke. What the
exaggeration is. What the exaggeration is.
Because every joke needs one exaggeration. Every joke
needs one thing to be way out of proportion.
Give you an example. Did you ever see a news story like
this in the paper?
Every now and then you run into a story, says, "some
guy broke into a house, stole a lot of things, and
while he was in there, he raped an 81 year old woman."
And I'm thinking to myself, "WHY??? What the fuck kind
of a social life does this guy have?"
I want to say, "why did you do that?" "Well she was
coming on to me. We were dancing and I got horney.
Hey, she was asking for it, she had on a tight
bathrobe." I'll say, "Jesus Christ, be a little fucking
selective next time will you?"
Now, speaking of rape, do you know what I wonder? I
wonder is there more rape at the equator or the north
pole.
These are the kind of things I think about when I'm
sitting home alone and the power goes out.
I wonder is there more rape at the equator or the north
pole. I mean per capita, I know the populations are
different.
Most people think it's the equator, I think it's the
north pole.
People think it's the equator because it's hot down
there, they don't wear a lot of clothing, guys can see
women's tits, they get horney and there's a lot of
fucking going on.
That's exactly why there's less rape at the equator.
Because there's a lot of fucking going on.
You can tell there's a lot of fucking at the equator,
take a look at the population figures.
Billions of people live near the equator. How many
Eskimos do we have?
Thirty? Thirty five? No one's getting laid at the north
pole, it's too fucking cold.
Guys say to their wives, "hey tonight honey, huh,
tonight, huh?"
"Are you crazy? The wind chill factor is three hundred
below."
These guys are deprived. Their horney. Their pent up.
Every now and then...p-pmm...they bust out, they got to
rape somebody.
Now, the biggest problem an Eskimo rapist has, trying
to get wet leather leggings off a woman who is kicking.
Did you ever try to get leather pants off of someone
who doesn't want to take them off?
You would lose your hard-on in the process.
Up at the north pole you dick would shrivel up like a
stack of dimes.
That's another thing I wonder.
I wonder, does a rapist have a hard-on when he leaves
the house in the morning,
or does he develop it during the day while he's walking
around looking for somebody.
These are the kind of thoughts that kept me out of the
Did you notice there aren't many Chinese guys named
Rusty? Guess the name never caught on over there.
But you got here, did you all come in the same van by
any chance? You know, there's a feeling of unity,
y'know.
"Good news, Nice man, Yeah"
Somebody else, "Yeah"
Oh-oh. [Whistling]
Come on let me hear it! [Audience whistling]
No problem!
Shit, I used to work in a pet shop! I'm used to that,
right in the morning when they want their seed.
But you're still the audience. You all came from
different places.
That's what I like. Everybody comes from a different
house. Different apartment, different room... You left
your rooms.
"I'm leaving my room," must be special.
And you come all the way here to act as a unit. It's
great! You ought to have a reunion next year, you know?
Get together, talk about the show.
Well, I think of that shit, audience responsibility
man.
When I'm driving to the theater, gonna see a show,
saying to myself,
"What kind of a member of the audience will I be
tonight?" "
"Will I be a credit to my row?"
"Will we win Row of the Year?"
"Suppose we get some shit from another section!"
Balcony always feels they have a little more soul than
the folks in the orchestra, hmm?
You take that shit from them?! They said [Bronx Cheer]
They're coming down, there coming down.
See, now we been here 10 minutes and already you're
choosing up sides, man.
There's always a few people left over from the Black
Sabbath concert, man.
Just.. if ya just elect a spokesman, I'll be glad to
answer, man.
But oddly enough these places are built for the voices
to go that way. And all I can hear is,
"ESREVER NI GNIKLAT," Shit, I gotta turn around,
"Asshole, get off!!"
I broke a nail on that too. Sure you're ok.
Heinekins, right. Bottled in holland, brewed and
bottled in Holland. And somebody brought it all the way
here. Did you ever think about that shit? This was made
in Holland. Must have come to New York first, probably.
Some sonofabitch drove this all the way here. Cross
country trip for a bottle of beer!
When you're at someone else's house, do you look in
their draws? When they leave you alone,
"*mumbling*... Jesus, look at that, man."
I do, I don't want to steal it, just want to know where
it is, you know. That's all. In case they need a hand.
But, you ever look in the desk drawer? Anybody's desk
drawer? Any desk in the world. You open that top, flat,
middle drawer. Not the three on the side, or the two
that look like three. Doesn't that piss you off? The
desk is lying!! But that top middle drawer, did you
ever notice there's always four cents in the tray? I'd
take it, fuck 'em, you know.
Thank you, thank you, welcome to our show. Don't you
think it's just a little bit strange that Ronald Reagan
had an operation on his asshole and George Bush had an
operation on his middle finger. Huh? Huh? What are
these two men trying to tell us?
Now I'd like to begin tonight with an opening
announcement: Because of the FCC, I'm never sure what
it is I'm allowed to say. So..so, I now have my own
official policy: This is the language you will not be
hearing tonight.
You will not hear me say: bottom line, game plan, role
model, scenario, or hopefully. I will not kick back,
mellow out, or be on a roll. I will not go for it and I
will not check it out; I don't even know what it is.
And when I leave here I definitely will not boogie. I
promise not to refer to anyone as a class act, a
beautiful person or a happy camper. I will also not be
saying "what a guy." And you will not hear me refer to
anyone's lifestyle. If you want to know what a moronic
word "lifestyle" is, all you have to do is realize that
in a technical sense, Atilla the Hun had an active
outdoor lifestyle. I will also not be saying any cute
things like "moi." And I will not use the French adverb
"tres" to modify any English adjectives. Such as "tres
awesome," "tres gnarly," "tres fabou," "tres intense,"
or "tres out-of-sight." I will not say concept when I
mean idea. I will not say impacted when I mean
affected. There will be no hands-on state-of-the-art
networking. We will not maximize, prioritize, or
finalize...and we definitely will not interface. There
will also...there will also be no new-age lingo spoken
here tonight. No support-group jargon from the human
potential movement. For instance, I will not share
anything with you. I will not relate to you and you
will not identify with me. I will give you no input,
and I will expect no feedback. This will not be a
learning experience, nor will it be a growth period.
There'll be no sharing, no caring, no birthing, no
bonding, no parenting, no nurturing. We will not
establish a relationship, we will not have any
meaningful dialogue and we definitely will not spend
any quality time. We will not be supportive of one
another, so that we can get in touch with our feelings
in order to feel good about ourselves. And if you're
one of those people who needs a little
I'm the ice box man at our house. I'm Ice Box Man! I
answer the call when there's a need at the ice box. Two
very important responsibilities, the first one is:
keeping people from standing with the door to the
refrigerator open for more than 45 minutes at a time.
God, that gets me mad - "YOU WANT TO CLOSE THAT GODDAMN
DOOR PLEASE? YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DOOR?! YOU'RE
LETTING OUT ALL OF THE COLDNESS I SAVED OVERNIGHT! COME
ON, CLOSE THE DOOR!" - you know, some guy smoked eight
joints and he's gonna inventory my refrigerator.
"Ummmm...Ummm...Uhhh.... "Here, here's fifty dollars-
go down to the Burger King. Willya, God! We'll save
more than that on electricity alone. Close the goddamn
door, willya?" Look, if you wanna know what's in there,
why don't you take a Polaroid picture and go away and
look at the picture and then come back and figure out
what you want. Years ago, we didn't have Polaroid
cameras. We had to make an OIL PAINTING of what was in
there!
Aah, I don't let it get me down. 'Cause there's a
bigger responsibility. And that is getting into that
refrigerator and deciding which things need to be
thrown away. Most people will not take that
responsibility. Most people will just go and get what
they want, leave everything else alone and say, "Well,
someone else wants that. Someone else will eat that"
Meanwhile, the thing is getting smaller and smaller and
smaller and is, in fact stuck to the rack. Well, I've
got to go in there and decide when to throw things
away. "Chocolate pudding? Does anyone want this last
chocolate pudding? I have just one chocolate pudding
left. It's only pulled away from the side of the dish
about three inches all the way around. And there's a
huge fault running through the center of the pudding.
Actually, it's nothing but a ball of skin at this
point. Does anyone want a ball of fault ridden
chocolate pudding skin? I'm only going to throw it
away."
Do people do that with you? Offer you some food that if
you don't eat it, they're only going to throw it away.
Well, doesn't that make you feel dandy? "Here's
something to eat, Dave. Hurry up, it's spoiling!"
"Something for you, Angela. Eat quickly, that green
part is moving!" "Here, Bob. Eat this before I give it
to an animal." Y'ever been looking through the
refrigerator and you come across an empty plate? Boy,
that starts me to wondering. Did something eat
something else? Maybe the olives ate the tuna! Maybe
that chicken isn't really dead yet. Actually, I picture
a little mouse with gloves and a parka on, y'know. Just
waiting for the lights to go out.
Perhaps the worst thing that can happen is to reach
into the refrigerator and come out with something that
you cannot identify at all. You literally do not know
what it is. Could be meat, could be cake. Usually, at a
time like that, I'll bluff. "Honey, is this good?"
"Well, what is it?" "I don't know. I've never seen
anything like it. It looks like...meatcake!" "Well,
smell it." (snort, sniff) "It has absolutely no smell
whatsoever!" "It's good! Put it back! Somebody is
saving it. It'll turn up in something." Thats what
frightens me. That someone will consider it a challenge
and use it just because it's in there.
It's a leftover. What a sad word that is. Leftover. How
would you like to be...a leftover? Well, it wouldn't be
bad if they were taking people out to be shot. I might
even volunteer. But, y'know, leftovers make you feel
good twice. D'ja ever think about that? When you first
put them away, you feel really intelligent- "I'm saving
food!" And then, after a month, when hair is growing
out of them and you throw them away you feel...really
intelligent- "I'm saving my life!"
When you make a sandwich at home, do you reach down
past the first three or four pieces of bread to go down
and get 'the good bread'? It's kind of a self
preservation thing, y'know? What you're really saying
is, "Let my family eat the rotten bread! I'll take care
of Numero Uno!" And down you go into the loaf. Down,
looking for the two that you want, a matching pair. And
you have to be careful pulling them out so they don't
tear. And then when you get them to the top, the upper
eight slices fall the other way. I never straighten
them out. I think, screw it, let 'em think a burglar
made a sandwich. Not my job, straightening out the
bread.
Gotta tell me. In the refrigerator, who is it, please
that puts into the refrigerator the half-gallon
containers of milk with only that much left in them? I
get one of those every time. Hey, here's some milk-
fooom! ...God, not enough to drink. Better put that
Yeah, about time for me to get a little drink of water.
Figure this stuff is safe to drink? Huh? Actually I
don't care if it's safe or not, I drink it anyway. You
know why? Cause I'm an American and I expect a little
cancer in my food and water. That's right, I'm a loyal
American and I'm not happy unless I've let government
and industry poison me a little bit every day. Let me
have a few hundred thousand carcinogens here.
Ahh, a little cancer never hurt anybody. Everybody
needs a little cancer I think. It's good for you. Keeps
you on you're toes. Besides, I ain't afraid of
cancer...I had broccoli for lunch. Broccoli kills
cancer. A lot of people don't know that, it's not out
yet. It's true. You find out you got some cancer...
(click) get yourself a fucking bowl of broccoli.
That'll wipe it right out in a day or two. Cauliflower
too. Cauliflower kills the really big cancers. The ones
you can see through clothing from across the street.
Broccoli kills the little ones. The ones that are
slowly eating your way from inside...while your
goddamn, goofy, half- educated doctor keeps telling
you, "your doing fine Jim." In fact bring your doctor a
bowl of broccoli. He's probably got cancer too.
Probably picked it up from you. They don't know what
their doing, it's all guesswork in a white coat. Here,
let me have a few more sips of industrial waste.
Ahh, maybe...maybe I can turn them cancers against one
another. That's what you gotta hope for you know, that
you get more than one cancer so they eat each other up
instead of you. In fact, the way I look at it, the more
And i'm getting really sick of guys named Todd.
It's a goofy fucking name OK.Hi whats your name?
Todd.I'm Todd. And this is Blake, and Blaire and Blaine
and Brent. Where all these goofy fucking boys names
comin' from. Taylor, Tyler, Jordan, Flynn. These are not
real names. You wanna hear a real name? Eddie. Eddie is a
real name, what happened to Eddie he was hear a minute
ago. Jackie and Johnny and Tommy and Bill. Danny, Larry,
Johnny, and Phil. What happened? Todd.
And Cody, and Dillon, and Cameron, and Tucker.
Hi Tucker, i'm Todd. Hi Todd, i'm Tucker. Fuck Tucker,
Tucker sucks. And fuck Tuckers friend Kyle. Thats another
soft name for a boy. Kyle.
Soft names make soft people. I'll bet you ten times out
of ten, Nicky, Vinnie, and Tony would beat the shit out
Aruba-du, ruba-tu, ruba-tu. I was thinking about the
curse words and the swear words, the cuss words and the
words that you can't say, that you're not supposed to
say all the time, ['cause] words or people into words
want to hear your words. Some guys like to record your
words and sell them back to you if they can, (laughter)
listen in on the telephone, write down what words you
say. A guy who used to be in Washington knew that his
phone was tapped, used to answer, Fuck Hoover, yes, go
ahead. (laughter) Okay, I was thinking one night about
the words you couldn't say on the public, ah, airwaves,
um, the ones you definitely wouldn't say, ever,
[']cause I heard a lady say bitch one night on
television, and it was cool like she was talking about,
you know, ah, well, the bitch is the first one to
notice that in the litter Johnie right (murmur) Right.
And, uh, bastard you can say, and hell and damn so I
have to figure out which ones you couldn't and ever and
it came down to seven but the list is open to
amendment, and in fact, has been changed, uh, by now,
ha, a lot of people pointed things out to me, and I
noticed some myself. The original seven words were,
shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and
tits. Those are the ones that will curve your spine,
grow hair on your hands and (laughter) maybe, even
bring us, God help us, peace without honor (laughter)
um, and a bourbon. (laughter) And now the first thing
that we noticed was that word fuck was really repeated
in there because the word motherfucker is a compound
word and it's another form of the word fuck. (laughter)
You want to be a purist it doesn't really -- it can't
be on the list of basic words. Also, cocksucker is a
compound word and neither half of that is really dirty.
The word -- the half sucker that's merely suggestive
(laughter) and the word cock is a half-way dirty word,
50% dirty -- dirty half the time, depending on what you
mean by it. (laughter) Uh, remember when you first
heard it, like in 6th grade, you used to giggle. And
the cock crowed three times, heh (laughter) the cock --
three times. It's in the Bible, cock in the Bible.
(laughter) And the first time you heard about a cock-
fight, remember -- What? Huh? naw. It ain't that, are
you stupid? man. (laughter, clapping) It's chickens,
you know, (laughter) Then you have the four letter
words from the old Anglo-Saxon fame. Uh, shit and fuck.
The word shit, uh, is an interesting kind of word in
that the middle class has never really accepted it and
approved it. They use it like, crazy but it's not
really okay. It's still a rude, dirty, old kind of
gushy word. (laughter) They don't like that, but they
say it, like, they say it like, a lady now in a middle-
class home, you'll hear most of the time she says it as
an expletive, you know, it's out of her mouth before
she knows. She says, Oh shit oh shit, (laughter) oh
shit. If she drops something, Oh, the shit hurt the
broccoli. Shit. Thank you. (footsteps fading away)
(papers ruffling)
Read it! (from audience)
Shit! (laughter) I won the Grammy, man, for the comedy
album. Isn't that groovy? (clapping, whistling)
(murmur) That's true. Thank you. Thank you man. Yeah.
(murmur) (continuous clapping) Thank you man. Thank
you. Thank you very much, man. Thank, no, (end of
continuous clapping) for that and for the Grammy, man,
[']cause (laughter) that's based on people liking it
man, yeh, that's ah, that's okay man. (laughter) Let's
let that go, man. I got my Grammy. I can let my hair
hang down now, shit. (laughter) Ha! So! Now the word
shit is okay for the man. At work you can say it like
crazy. Mostly figuratively, Get that shit out of here,
will ya? I don't want to see that shit anymore. I can't
cut that shit, buddy. I've had that shit up to here. I
think you're full of shit myself. (laughter) He don't
know shit from Shinola. (laughter) you know that?
(laughter) Always wondered how the Shinola people feel
about that (laughter) Hi, I'm the new man from Shinola.
(laughter) Hi, how are ya? Nice to see ya. (laughter)
How are ya? (laughter) Boy, I don't know whether to
shit or wind my watch. (laughter) Guess, I'll shit on
my watch. (laughter) Oh, the shit is going to hit de
fan. (laughter) Built like a brick shit-house.
(laughter) Up, he's up shit's creek. (laughter) He's
had it. (laughter) He hit me, I'm sorry. (laughter) Hot
shit, holy shit, tough shit, eat shit, (laughter) shit-
eating grin. Uh, whoever thought of that was ill.
(murmur laughter) He had a shit-eating grin! He had a
what? (laughter) Shit on a stick. (laughter) Shit in a
handbag. I always like that. He ain't worth shit in a
handbag. (laughter) Shitty. He acted real shitty.
(laughter) You know what I mean? (laughter) I got the
money back, but a real shitty attitude. Heh, he had a
shit-fit. (laughter) Wow! Shit-fit. Whew! Glad I wasn't
there. (murmur, laughter) All the animals -- Bull shit,
horse shit, cow shit, rat shit, bat shit. (laughter)
First time I heard bat shit, I really came apart. A guy
in Oklahoma, Boggs, said it, man. Aw! Bat shit.
(laughter) Vera reminded me of that last night, ah
(murmur). Snake shit, slicker than owl shit. (laughter)
Get your shit together. Shit or get off the pot.
(laughter) I got a shit-load full of them. (laughter) I
got a shit-pot full, all right. Shit-head, shit-heel,
shit in your heart, shit for brains, (laughter) shit-
face, heh (laughter) I always try to think how that
could have originated; the first guy that said that.
Somebody got drunk and fell in some shit, you know.
(laughter) Hey, I'm shit-face. (laughter) Shitface,
today. (laughter) Anyway, enough of that shit.
(laughter) The big one, the word fuck that's the one
that hangs them up the most. [']Cause in a lot of cases
that's the very act that hangs them up the most. So,
it's natural that the word would, uh, have the same
effect. It's a great word, fuck, nice word, easy word,
cute word, kind of. Easy word to say. One syllable,
short u. (laughter) Fuck. (Murmur) You know, it's easy.
Starts with a nice soft sound fuh ends with a kuh.
Right? (laughter) A little something for everyone. Fuck
(laughter) Good word. Kind of a proud word, too. Who
are you? I am FUCK. (laughter) FUCK OF THE MOUNTAIN.
(laughter) Tune in again next week to FUCK OF THE
MOUNTAIN. (laughter) It's an interesting word too,
[']cause it's got a double kind of a life --
personality -- dual, you know, whatever the right
phrase is. It leads a double life, the word fuck. First
of all, it means, sometimes, most of the time, fuck.
What does it mean? It means to make love. Right? We're
going to make love, yeh, we're going to fuck, yeh,
we're going to fuck, yeh, we're going to make love.
(laughter) we're really going to fuck, yeah, we're
going to make love. Right? And it also means the
beginning of life, it's the act that begins life, so
there's the word hanging around with words like love,
and life, and yet on the other hand, it's also a word
that we really use to hurt each other with, man. It's a
heavy. It's one that you have toward the end of the
argument. (laughter) Right? (laughter) You finally
can't make out. Oh, fuck you man. I said, fuck you.
(laughter, murmur) Stupid fuck. (laughter) Fuck you and
everybody that looks like you. (laughter) man. It would
be nice to change the movies that we already have and
substitute the word fuck for the word kill, wherever we
could, and some of those movie cliches would change a
little bit. Madfuckers still on the loose. Stop me
before I fuck again. Fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck
the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump. Easy on the clutch
Bill, you'll fuck that engine again. (laughter) The
other shit one was, I don't give a shit. Like it's
worth something, you know? (laughter) I don't give a
shit. Hey, well, I don't take no shit, (laughter) you
know what I mean? You know why I don't take no shit?
(laughter) [']Cause I don't give a shit. (laughter) If
I give a shit, I would have to pack shit. (laughter)
But I don't pack no shit cause I don't give a shit.
(laughter) You wouldn't shit me, would you? (laughter)
That's a joke when you're a kid with a worm looking out
the bird's ass. You wouldn't shit me, would you?
(laughter) It's an eight-year-old joke but a good one.
(laughter) The additions to the list. I found three
more words that had to be put on the list of words you
could never say on television, and they were fart, turd
and twat, those three. (laughter) Fart, we talked
about, it's harmless It's like tits, it's a cutie word,
no problem. Turd, you can't say but who wants to, you
know? (laughter) The subject never comes up on the
panel so I'm not worried about that one. Now the word
twat is an interesting word. Twat! Yeh, right in the
twat. (laughter) Twat is an interesting word because
it's the only one I know of, the only slang word
applying to the, a part of the sexual anatomy that
doesn't have another meaning to it. Like, ah, snatch,
box and pussy all have other meanings, man. Even in a
Walt Disney movie, you can say, We're going to snatch
that pussy and put him in a box and bring him on the
airplane. (murmur, laughter) Everybody loves it. The
twat stands alone, man, as it should. And two-way
words. Ah, ass is okay providing you're riding into
town on a religious feast day. (laughter) You can't
say, up your ass. (laughter) You can say, stuff it!
(murmur) There are certain things you can say its weird
but you can just come so close. Before I cut, I, uh,
want to, ah, thank you for listening to my words, man,
fellow, uh space travelers. Thank you man for tonight
inform the comander that lord vader shuttle has arrived
vader this is a unexpected pleasure we are honored by your presence
yo g abby the c why yo' hommies ain't workin' they booties off
i assure you lord vader my men are working as fast as they can
we be seeing if they get this ride going with six foot seven a black starie dog
i tell you our station will be operation as we planned
well the man don't think so and he be cruising down here to check out this ride
the emperor is coming here?
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Why, why, why, why is it that most of the people who
are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to
fuck in the first place, huh? Boy, these conservatives
are really something, aren't they? They're all in favor
of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn.
But once you're born, you're on your own. Pro-life
conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from
conception to nine months. After that, they don't want
to know about you. They don't want to hear from you. No
nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start,
no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no
nothing. If you're preborn, you're fine; if you're
preschool, you're fucked.
Conservatives don't give a shit about you until you
reach "military age". Then they think you are just
fine. Just what they've been looking for. Conservatives
want live babies so they can raise them to be dead
soldiers. Pro-life... pro-life... These people aren't
pro-life, they're killing doctors! What kind of pro-
life is that? What, they'll do anything they can to
save a fetus but if it grows up to be a doctor they
just might have to kill it?They're not pro-life. You
know what they are? They're anti-woman. Simple as it
gets, anti-woman. They don't like them. They don't like
women.They believe a woman's primary role is to
function as a brood mare for the state.
Pro-life... You don't see many of these white anti-
abortion women volunteering to have any black fetuses
transplanted into their uteruses, do you? No, you don't
see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies, do you?
No, that might be something Christ would do. And, you
won't see alot of these pro-life people dousing
themselves in kerosene and lighting themselves on fire.
You know, moraly committed religious people in South
Vietnam knew how to stage a goddamn demonstration,
didn't they?! They knew how to put on a fucking
protest. Light yourself on FIRE!! C'mon, you moral
crusaders, let's see a little smoke. To match that fire
in your belly.
Here's another question I have: how come when it's us,
it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an
omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a
sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens
in goodness? Name six ways we're better than
chickens... See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cuz
chickens are decent people. You don't see chickens
hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No, you don't see
a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up
his nuts to a car battery, do you? When's the last
chicken you heard about came home from work and beat
the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn't happen. 'Cuz
chickens are decent people.
But let's get back to this abortion shit. Now, is a
fetus a human being? This seems to be the central
question. Well, if a fetus is a human being, how come
the census doesn't count them? If a fetus is a human
being, how come when there's a miscarriage they don't
have a funeral? If a fetus is a human being, how come
people say "we have two children and one on the way"
instead of saying "we have three children?" People say
life begins at conception, I say life began about a
billion years ago and it's a continuous process.
Continuous, just keeps rolling along. Rolling, rolling,
rolling along.
And say you know something? Listen, you can go back
further than that. What about the carbon atoms? Hah?
Human life could not exist without carbon. So is it
just possible that maybe we shouldn't be burning all
this coal? Just looking for a little consistency here
in these anti-abortion arguments. See the really
hardcore people will tell you life begins at
fertilization. Fertilization, when the sperm fertilizes
the egg. Which is usually a few moments after the man
says "Gee, honey, I was going to pull out but the phone
rang and it startled me." Fertilization.
But even after the egg is fertilized, it's still six or
seven days before it reaches the uterus and pregnancy
begins, and not every egg makes it that far. Eighty
percent of a woman's fertilized eggs are rinsed and
flushed out of her body once a month during those
delightful few days she has. They wind up on sanitary
napkins, and yet they are fertilized eggs. So basically
what these anti-abortion people are telling us is that
any woman who's had more than more than one period is a
serial killer! Consistency. Consistency. Hey, hey, if
they really want to get serious, what about all the
sperm that are wasted when the state executes a
condemned man, one of these pro-life guys who's
watching cums in his pants, huh? Here's a guy standing
over there with his jockey shorts full of little
Vinnies and Debbies, and nobody's saying a word to the
guy. Not every ejaculation deserves a name.
Now, speaking of consistency, Catholics, which I was
until I reached the age of reason, Catholics and other
Christians are against abortions, and they're against
homosexuals. Well who has less abortions than
homosexuals?! Leave these fucking people alone, for
Christ sakes! Here is an entire class of people
guaranteed never to have an abortion! And the Catholics
and Christians are just tossing them aside! You'd think
they'd make natural allies. Go look for consistency in
religion. And speaking of my friends the Catholics,
when John Cardinal O'Connor of New York and some of
these other Cardinals and Bishops have experienced
their first pregnancies and their first labor pains and
they've raised a couple of children on minimum wage,
then I'll be glad to hear what they have to say about
abortion. I'm sure it'll be interesting. Enlightening,
too. But, in the meantime what they ought to be doing
is telling these priests who took a vow of chastity to
keep their hands off the altar boys! Keep your hands to
yourself, Father! You know? When Jesus said "Suffer the
little children come unto me", that's not what he was
talking about!
So you know what I tell these anti-abortion people? I
say "Hey. Hey. If you think a fetus is more important
that a woman, try getting a fetus to wash the shit
stains out of your underwear. For no pay and no
pension." I tell them "Think of an abortion as term
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