Clutch your pearls and bring out the smelling salts, because this is sure to make fetus fetishists get all faint and outraged and stabby (or clinic bomby — for life, of course):
Planned Parenthood Federation of America announced today that President Barack Obama will deliver the keynote address at the organization’s annual gala dinner in Washington DC on Thursday, April 25. The “Time For Care” dinner, attended by Planned Parenthood’s supporters and national and local leaders from across the country, will honor champions of women’s health.
Ron Fournier, the bland and slightly repugnant grocery store brand breakfast cereal of journalism, is very concerned with the state of his profession. No he’s not worried about his fellow commentators once again engaging in hysterical nonsense regarding terrorism, as it is the job of a news person to crawl into the fetal position when facing such threats. Nor is Ron particularly concerned with political respondents becoming useful sycophants of the important people whom they are supposedly reporting about. Sending your sources saccharine crush notes or even considering going to work with these fine powerful men is just what is expected for your modern Washington correspondent.
No what has been giving Ron Fournier night terrors for the past five years is the possibility that some of his less than enlightened colleagues might look back on the legacy of one George W. Bush and see eight years of miserable and all-encompasing failure. Ron Fournier instead would like folks to focus on the real lesson of that Presidency: that W was a pretty awesome dude when you really think about it. READ MORE »
Things we learned from Jennifer Rubin’s commentary in the Washingtonne Poste news-paper, this morning, about the former president George W. Bush, presented without comment.
Only 53 percent of the American people disapprove of George W. Bush. That is almost not even a majority!
Well hellloooooo Nevada Senator Kelvin Atkinson! You are a super handsome black man, a state Senator, and during last night’s (successful!) debate over letting Nevada open up its quickie wedding industry to homosexers, you came out as a big old gay! (Also, one Republican and one Mormon dude voted in favor of repealing the gay marriage ban, so good on you, er, “Ben Kieckhefer” and “Justin Jones.”) Now let us get to the important part, which is more pictures of Kelvin Atkinson, the State Senator We’d Like to Gay Fuck. READ MORE »
Since Gabby Giffords reacted to the Senate’s defeat of gun-control legislation with this anguished New York Times op-ed declaring she would not give up the fight, a variety of right-wing pundits have mansplained that Gabby is being “emotional” and not using “logic” and “reason” and is a “bully,” so she should sit down and shut up and not worry her pretty little ventilated head about it. Today comes James Taranto to add his voice to the conversation during an episode of the NRA’s radio show Cam and Company. Taranto is one of those Wall Street Journal columnists who you must assume was dropped on his head a lot as a baby. And as a toddler. And as an adolescent. And as a teenager. And in college. And in his twenties and thirties and all the way up to whatever age he is now. This is really the only explanation for this utter reality-free spew of pig semen he vomited over the airwaves today: READ MORE »
The God-Hates-Everyone (‘Cept For Me And My Monkey) crowd from Westboro Baptist Church announced on Twitter that it planned to picket the funerals of the Boston Marathon bombing victims this week, so members of Teamsters Local 25 sent out a call for any available members to shield today’s services for Krystle Campbell in Medford, Massachusetts. Basic human decency won out: the Boston Globe reports that hundreds of counter-protesters gathered across the street from the church where the memorial for Campbell was held, but that the Westboro protesters never showed up at all. READ MORE »
Sad sex monster Mark Sanford took out a full-page ad in the Charleston Post & Courier on Sunday just to tell America: Mark Sanford knows that “it’s been a rough week.” It was a confusing time, these past days, and how about this media coverage last week, right? “The media does all of us a disservice in throwing these things to the front page as this paper did, before all the facts are known,” Sanford opines. Too true, too true. Accordingly, Mark Sanford would like a minute of your time to discuss how Mark Sanford is doing in the wake of these vicious attacks. Curiously, however, at no point is Mark Sanford ever talking about the Boston Marathon bombings. READ MORE »
In yet another example of How Men Are Oppressed In These Difficult Times, Limey nutsack Peter Lloyd wrote a thing in the Daily Mail recently explaining that he is suing his gym because they have a certain number of hours for women only. It’s a shocking infringement of his Right To See Ladies In Spandex, because the women-only hours total a whopping 442 hours a year! This is actual Jim Crow oppression, Lloyd argues: It is “eerily reminiscent of when African Americans were separated from their caucasian peers in 1940s America.” Yes! A few women-only swimming classes per week is exactly like Bull Connor turning fire hoses on children in Birmingham, because both involve water! Also, we must note that “Birmingham” is also the name of a city in England, and England is sometimes caricatured as “John Bull” — there’s just no end of eerie parallels! READ MORE »
Ohai, Catholic Church! Much to the dismay of many of our readers, we’ve been loving up the New Pope lately and giving him plenty of nice time. To everything there is a season, however, and now we turn turn turn back to our more-familiar role scoffing at the Church for its public panic attacks over the use of everyone else’s private parts. Our comedy villain of the day is the archdiocese of Minneapolis-St. Paul, which is currently on a fainting couch over proposed legislation to address bullying in schools. The archdiocese is warning parents that private schools could lose ancillary state funding if they do not comply with the law, which prohibits anti-gay bullying, or, as the archdiocese puts it, subjects children to “re-education camps.” READ MORE »
Hey, who’s tired of reading actual “information” in the handful of remaining legitimate news outlets quietly dying out in America? Persecuted swamp monsters Charles and David Koch are growing tired of watching their feudalist political philosophies maligned in the media, so they have looked around and said to themselves, “oh shit, let’s just buy the media.” Koch Industries is in talks to buy the Tribune Company’s eight newspapers. We, for one, are excited to see Chuck Norris’s work in the opinion pages of the Los Angeles Times. For information, however, we are pretty much going to rely on official press releases, Reddit crowdsourcing, and blogs from here on out. USA! USA! USA! READ MORE »
Feeling helpless in the wake of the horrible events of last week, in which a terrorist attack killed three and injured hundreds, loathed songstress of Ted Talk fame Amanda Palmer wrote a supremely awful poem about the younger of the two brothers believed responsible for the bombing.
Gawker’s Max Read warns that the resulting atrocity, “A Poem for Dzhokhar,” is “the worst poem ever composed in the English language,” which simply means that Read obviously did not sit through the creative writing class that Yr Doktor Zoom endured in his second year at Northern Arizona University. It is still terrible enough to qualify as hazardous waste, however, so please strap on your safety goggles before you click through. READ MORE »
Hello and welcome to “We must now do (name irrelevant thing) to prevent the next Boston Marathon tragedy” week here in America. Fresh from the fine American political tradition that brought you the Iraq War as a nationally-supported response to 9/11, Senators Chuck Schumer and Lindsey Graham are calling for — not war, as this is John McCain’s beat — immigration reform, to prevent the next terrorist attack on the United States. Sure, why not. Can Lindsey Graham explain how immigration reform will also prevent climate change and diabetes, too? READ MORE »
Oh Daily Mail, you guys are so awesome at journalism. (All y’all will want to read all the way to the end, to mark the exact moment when the Daily Mail received all the Pulitzers, even retroactively.)
Zubeidat and her husband Anzor Tsarnaev have claimed that their oldest son received a call from the FBI accusing him of the attack, to which he responded: ‘That’s your problem.’
Tamerlan Tsarnaeva, who was killed following a shoot out with the police on April 19, called his mother two or three days after the marathon bombings to tell her about the call from the FBI, his father said.
The claims, reported by Channel 4 News, reveal how Tsarnaeva, 26, believed that the FBI was watching him. His mother previously said he had been followed by the FBI for five years.
Channel 4 News suggested that, while it was unlikely the FBI had called the suspect to accuse him of the heinous crime, it was perhaps his way of preparing his parents for the news of his involvement.
While it seems unlikely, if the claim is true, it raises questions over how the FBI handled the case.
Oh, did you get that? Let us type it again. READ MORE »
As the world waits on its tenterhooks — which are surprisingly comfortable, and shaped liked a sofa — for Glenn Beck to release his DAMNING EVIDENCE about the US government coverup of the SAUDI NATIONAL who has already been cleared in the matter of the Boston Bombing, we learn that Beck has at least four listeners. They are Homeland Security Chairman Michael T. McCaul, Chairman Jeff Duncan of the subcommittee on Oversight and Management Efficiency, Chairman Peter King of the subcommittee on Counterterrorism and Intelligence, and Chairman Candice Miller of the subcommittee on Border and Maritime Security, and they sound fun and not at all stupid!* READ MORE »
Clutch your pearls and bring out the smelling salts, because this is sure to make fetus fetishists get all faint and outraged and stabby (or clinic bomby — for life, of course):
Things we learned from 
Well hellloooooo Nevada Senator Kelvin Atkinson! You are a super handsome black man, a state Senator, and during 
Oh Daily Mail, you guys are 
As the world waits on its tenterhooks — which are surprisingly comfortable, and shaped liked a sofa — for Glenn Beck to release his 
