Harper (1966)

Lew Harper is a Los Angeles based private investigator whose marriage to Susan Harper, who he still loves, is ending in imminent divorce since she can't stand being second fiddle to his work, which is always taking him away at the most inopportune of times. His latest client is tough talking and physically disabled Elaine Sampson, who wants him to find her wealthy husband, Ralph Sampson, missing now for twenty-four hours, ever since he disappeared at Van Nuys Airport after having just arrived from Vegas. No one seems to like Ralph, Elaine included. She believes he is cavorting with some woman, which to her would be more a fact than a problem. Harper got the case on the recommendation of the Sampsons' lawyer and Harper's personal friend, milquetoast Albert Graves, who is unrequitedly in love with Sampson's seductive daughter, Miranda Sampson. Miranda, who Harper later states throws herself at anything "pretty in pants", also has a decidedly cold relationship with her stepmother, Elaine. As Harper begins his investigation, he is often joined by one or two new sidekicks, Miranda, and/or Allan Taggert, Sampson's private pilot who was the last person to see him before his disappearance. Living on the Sampson estate, Allan is also Miranda's casual boyfriend who Harper coins "Beauty" because of his preppy good looks. They discover that Sampson has indeed been kidnapped as they receive a ransom note. As Harper follows leads, he ends up in the underbelly of Los Angeles society, which includes encounters with Betty Fraley, a junkie lounge singer, Fay Estabrook, an ex-movie ingénue now overweight alcoholic, and Claude, a religious cult leader. At each of Harper's stops, people seem to want to beat him up or worse kill him. The case takes a slight turn after they decide to pay the $500,000 ransom to see where it leads.

Keywords: 1960s, applause, bacon-and-eggs, bare-chested-male, based-on-novel, bikini, black-eye, candelabra, car-accident, carrying-a-woman

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Quotes:

Lew Harper: The bottom is loaded with nice people, Albert. Only cream and bastards rise.

Miranda Sampson: What do you do this kind of crummy work for, anyway?::Lew Harper: What, are you trying to be funny? I do it because I believe in the United Nations and Southeast Asia, and - you think it's funny if your life depends on what goes through the Panama Canal? What about the English pound? I'll tell you something - as long as there's a Siberia, you'll find Lew Harper on the job.::Miranda Sampson: Are you putting me on?::Lew Harper: Jeez, I don't think so.

Sheriff: Who is this clown?::Albert Graves: He's a private detective working for us.::Lew Harper: Yeah, I used to be a sheriff 'til I passed my literacy test.

Bartender: It's two after six. We don't serve domestic after six. Only imported.::Harper: Terrific. Keep the change.::Bartender: There is no change.::Harper: [pause] Keep it anyway.

Lew Harper: [placing a crank call to his wife, imitating English accent into phone] Mrs. Harper? Mrs. Lewis Harper?::Susan Harper: [puzzled and sleepy] Yes...::Lew Harper: Oh thank heavens! You see, we've just picked your name from this enormous drum full of names... Only you had to be there to win... and you are, so you have!::Susan Harper: Win?::Lew Harper: [flustered, thinking]... Six... one-hour frug lessons, absolutely free. Yes. I'm Austin Schwartz-Marmaduke, of the Schwartz-Marmaduke Institue for Ballroom Education. You must've heard of us, we're just off Wilshire near the Frug Foundation...::Susan Harper: I don't want any frug lessons.::Lew Harper: Of course you do, dear lady. Why just think how t'riffic you'll feel next time you and your husband try frugging... [starts to break up, chuckling at his own humor] how endlessly feminine you'll feel... [starts to really break up]::Susan Harper: [she has recognized Harper's voice and is paying him back now] My husband is dead!::Lew Harper: [not sure where this is going] Well, that's too bad, as a matter of fact...::Susan Harper: [gaining the upper hand in this joke] No... as a matter of fact, you're wrong. His death did nothing but serve the cause of mankind. He was a fool, a sadist, a functioning pathological pervert... He was grotesque in all ways. Can a soul be atrocious? [Harper has lost control and covers the phone, chuckling] His was. He was a degenerate's degenerate. You won't believe this, Mr. "Marmaduke", but he used to call me on the phone sometimes, pretending to be other people. He actually thought it was funny!

Lew Harper: [Asked if he was from Vegas] Oh, yeah. I just come up.::Bartender: You know, I would've guessed you were from Vegas.::Lew Harper: No kidding? You can tell, huh? Oh, really tell. You must be physic.::Bartender: Psychic, you mean.

Allan Taggert, Sampson's Pilot: Hey, this detective work is really fun!

Puddler: Kill the body and the head dies.

Deputy Sheriff: Okay, put them up.::Lew Harper: Put what up?

Lew Harper: Your husband keeps lousy company, Mrs. Sampson, as bad as there is in LA. And that's as bad as there is.