Brooks, Mel Filmography

• Inside Comedy (2012)
• Excavating the 2000 Year Old Man (2012)
• Mel Brooks and Dick Cavett Together Again (2011)
• Abschied von den Fröschen (2011)
• The 8th Annual TV Land Awards (2010)
• Silent Laughter: The Reel Inspirations of Silent Movie (2009)
• A Night at the Movies: The Suspenseful World of Thrillers (2009)
• Hollywood Singing & Dancing: A Musical History - 1970's (2009)
• Hollywood Singing & Dancing: A Musical History - 1980s, 1990s and 2000s (2009)
• The Kennedy Center Honors: A Celebration of the Performing Arts (2009)
• Get Smart (2008)
• Spaceballs: The Animated Series (2008)
• Spaceballs: The Animated Series (2008)
• Get Smart (2008)
• Mike Douglas: Moments & Memories (2008)
• Get Smart's Bruce and Lloyd Out of Control (2008)
• The Making of 'The Larry Sanders Show' (2007)
• Hitler: The Comedy Years (2007)
• AFI's 100 Years... 100 Movies: 10th Anniversary Edition (2007)
• Cavett Remembers the Comic Legends (2006)
• Forbes Celebrity 100: Who Made Bank? (2006)
• The 63rd Annual Golden Globe Awards (2006)
• The Dick Cavett Show with Mel Brooks (2006)
• World of Robin Hood (2006)
• The Producers (2005)
• The Comedians' Comedian (2005)
• Assembling 'Robots': The Magic, the Music, & the Comedy (2005)
• The Producers (2005)
• The Producers (2005)
• The Producers (2005)
• Cuando España se desnudó (2005)
• 10 Most Excellent Things: The Producers (2005)
• The Producers (2005)
• The Young Turks (2005)
• The Making of 'Robots' (2005)
• John Candy: Comic Spirit (2005)
• Robots (2005)
• The Producers (2005)
• Spaceballs: The Documentary (2005)
• The Producers (2005)
• The Award Show Awards Show (2003)
• Sid Caesar Collection: Buried Treasures - Shining Stars (2003)
• Sid Caesar Collection: Buried Treasures - The Impact of Sid Caesar (2003)
• 100 Years of Hope and Humor (2003)
• Sid Caesar Collection: Buried Treasures - The Legend of Sid Caesar (2003)
• It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie (2002)
• The Making of 'The Producers' (2002)
• The Terrible Elephant Man Revealed (2001)
• The Mark Twain Prize: Celebrating the Humor of Carl Reiner (2001)
• The Sid Caesar Collection: The Fan Favorites - The Professor and Other Clowns (2001)
• The Sid Caesar Collection: The Fan Favorites - The Dream Team of Comedy (2001)
• Back in the Saddle (2001)
• The 55th Annual Tony Awards (2001)
• The Sid Caesar Collection: The Fan Favorites - Love & Laughter (2001)
• Hail Sid Caesar! The Golden Age of Comedy (2001)
• Back in the Saddle (2001)
• Inside TV Land: Get Smart (2001)
• The Sid Caesar Collection: The Magic of Live TV (2000)
• AFI's 100 Years... 100 Laughs: America's Funniest Movies (2000)
• The Sid Caesar Collection: Creating the Comedy (2000)
• Sex, lögner & videovåld (2000)
• The Sid Caesar Collection: Inside the Writer's Room (2000)
• Svitati (1999)
• The 50th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards (1998)
• AFI's 100 Years... 100 Movies: America's Greatest Movies (1998)
• The Life and Times of Hank Greenberg (1998)
• Bravo Profiles: The Entertainment Business (1998)
• M*A*S*H, Tootsie & God: A Tribute to Larry Gelbart (1998)
• The Prince of Egypt (1998)
• I Am Your Child (1997)
• The 11th Annual American Comedy Awards (1997)
• Pretty as a Picture: The Art of David Lynch (1997)
• The 49th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards (1997)
• The Annual Museum of Television and Radio Gala (1997)
• American Dreamers (1996)
• Caesar's Writers (1996)
• Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995)
• 50 Years of Funny Females (1995)
• Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995)
• Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995)
• Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995)
• Il silenzio dei prosciutti (1994)
• It's Alive: The True Story of Frankenstein (1994)
• Hal Roach: King of Laughter (1994)
• The Little Rascals (1994)
• Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)
• Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)
• Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)
• Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)
• The Vagrant (1992)
• Life Stinks (1991)
• The 5th Annual American Comedy Awards (1991)
• Life Stinks (1991)
• Life Stinks (1991)
• Life Stinks (1991)
• Naked Hollywood (1991)
• Life Stinks (1991)
• Look Who's Talking Too (1990)
• The Nutt House (1989)
• 84 Charing Cross Road (1987)
• Spaceballs (1987)
• Spaceballs (1987)
• Spaceballs (1987)
• Spaceballs (1987)
• Spaceballs (1987)
• Solarbabies (1986)
• The 58th Annual Academy Awards (1986)
• The Doctor and the Devils (1985)
• Beat This!: A Hip Hop History (1984)
• The Great Standups (1984)
• Sunset People (1984)
• To Be or Not to Be (1983)
• An Audience with Mel Brooks (1983)
• An Audience with Mel Brooks (1983)
• To Be or Not to Be (1983)
• My Favorite Year (1982)
• Frances (1982)
• History of the World: Part I (1981)
• History of the World: Part I (1981)
• History of the World: Part I (1981)
• History of the World: Part I (1981)
• History of the World: Part I (1981)
• History of the World: Part I (1981)
• History of the World: Part I (1981)
• History of the World: Part I (1981)
• The Elephant Man (1980)
• The Nude Bomb (1980)
• Johnny Carson's 18th Anniversary Special (1980)
• The Muppet Movie (1979)
• The American Film Institute Salute to Alfred Hitchcock (1979)
• The Muppets Go Hollywood (1979)
• High Anxiety (1977)
• High Anxiety (1977)
• High Anxiety (1977)
• High Anxiety (1977)
• Silent Movie (1976)
• Silent Movie (1976)
• Silent Movie (1976)
• The Adventure of Sherlock Holmes' Smarter Brother (1975)
• The 2000 Year Old Man (1975)
• When Things Were Rotten (1975)
• The 2000 Year Old Man (1975)
• Young Frankenstein (1974)
• Young Frankenstein (1974)
• Young Frankenstein (1974)
• Blazing Saddles (1974)
• Annie and the Hoods (1974)
• Young Frankenstein (1974)
• Blazing Saddles (1974)
• Free to Be... You & Me (1974)
• Blazing Saddles (1974)
• Blazing Saddles (1974)
• Young Frankenstein (1974)
• 10 from Your Show of Shows (1973)
• Shinbone Alley (1971)
• The Twelve Chairs (1970)
• Annie, the Women in the Life of a Man (1970)
• The Twelve Chairs (1970)
• The Twelve Chairs (1970)
• The 41st Annual Academy Awards (1969)
• The Producers (1968)
• The Producers (1968)
• The Producers (1968)
• The Sid Caesar, Imogene Coca, Carl Reiner, Howard Morris Special (1967)
• Get Smart (1965)
• The Critic (1963)
• Inside Danny Baker (1963)
• The Critic (1963)
• The All-Star Comedy Hour (1962)
• The Ladies Man (1961)
• The Man in the Moon (1960)
• At the Movies (1959)
• Accent on Love (1959)
• New Faces (1954)
• The Admiral Broadway Revue (1949)

Brooks, Mel Filmography

• Putney Swope (1969)

• You Never Say Good Luck on Opening Night - Mel Brooks
• Welcome To Transylvania - Mel Brooks
• We Can Do It - Mel Brooks
• Transylvania Mania - Mel Brooks
• Surprise - Mel Brooks
• Together Again - Mel Brooks
• To Be Or Not To Be (the Hitler Rap) - Mel Brooks
• There's Nothing Like A Show On Broadway - Mel Brooks
• The King of Broadway - Mel Brooks
• The Brain - Mel Brooks
• That Face - Mel Brooks
• Springtime For Hitler Part Ii - Mel Brooks
• Springtime For Hitler Part I - Mel Brooks
• Springtime for Hitler - Mel Brooks
• Roll In The Hay - Mel Brooks
• Puttin' On The Ritz - Mel Brooks
• Prisoners Of Love (broadway) - Mel Brooks
• Please Send Me Someone - Mel Brooks
• Please Don't Touch Me - Mel Brooks
• Opening Night - Mel Brooks
• Man About Town - Mel Brooks
• Listen to Your Heart - Mel Brooks
• Life Life - Mel Brooks
• Keep It Gay - Mel Brooks
• Join The Family Business - Mel Brooks
• Its Good To Be King - Mel Brooks
• I Wanna Be a Producer - Mel Brooks
• Heil Myself - Mel Brooks
• He Vas My Boyfriend - Mel Brooks
• Frederick's Soliloquy - Mel Brooks
• Finale Ultimo - Mel Brooks
• Deep Love - Mel Brooks
• Along Came Bialy - Mel Brooks
• Alone - Mel Brooks
• 'Til Him - Mel Brooks

It's bad luck to say "good luck" on opening night
If you do, I tell you
It is certain by the curtain
You are through!
MAX:
Good luck!
CARMEN:
It's bad luck to say "good luck" on opening night
Once it's said, you are dead
You will get the worst reviews
You've ever read!
MAX:
Good luck!
ROGER:
Even at the Comedie-Francaise,
On the opening night they are scared
"Bon chance, mes amis", no one says
The only word you ever hear is...
ROGER, CARMEN & FRANZ:
Merde!
MAX:
Good luck, good luck, good luck
FRANZ:
It's verboten, vishing "luck" on opening night
Take advice, don't think twice
Or your show will surely end
Up in the Scheiss!
MAX:
Guten lucken.
CARMEN:
At the famous La Scala in Milan On opening night it's a
rule
"In boccu lupa" they say with elan
And just for luck they all shout...
ROGER, CARMEN & FRANZ:
"Bah fongool!"
LEO:
I got it!
Now I'll never say "good luck" on opening night
That's the rule, I'm no fool!
What do I say, I beg?
ROGER, CARMEN & FRANZ:
What you say is "break a leg"!
LEO:
Break a leg?
ROGER, CARMEN & FRANZ:
Yes, break a leg!
LEO, ROGER, CARMEN & FRANZ:
If you're clever...
MAX:
Good luck!
LEO, ROGER, CARMEN & FRANZ:
You'll endeavour
To never, never, never, never
Ever, ever, ever say...

[Village Quartet]
Hmmmmm...
Welcome to Transylvania,
We're very happy that you're here!
Welcome to Transylvania,
We greet you with a mighty cheer!
Chalujnik!
[Kemp]
We're considered both a Death and a Tourist Trap
[All Five]
Thanks to all the Frankensteins,
You put us on the map!
[Bass]
So...
[Village Quartet]
Welcome to Transylvania
[Kemp]
Though vampires suck your blood at night,
and werewolves prowl in the pale moonlight
[All Five]
And zombies have a tendency to roam,
It's the place that we humbly call Home

MAX:
Don't you see, Bloom. Darling Bloom, glorious Bloom.
It's so simple.
Step One: we find the worst play ever written.
Step Two: we hire the worst director in town.
Step Three: I raise two million dollars...
LEO:
Two?
MAX:
Yes! One for me, one for you. There's a lot of little
old ladies out there.
Step Four: We hire the worst actors in New York and
open on Broadway.
And before you can say Step Five, we close on Broadway,
take our two million and go to Rio.
LEO:
Rio? Nah, that'd never work.
MAX:
Oh ye of little faith.
What did Lewis say to Clark
When everything looked bleak?
What did Sir Edmund say to Tenzing
As they struggled toward Everest's peak?
What did Washington say to his troops
As they crossed the Delaware
I'm sure you're well aware...
LEO:
What'd they say?
MAX:
We can do it, we can do it
We can do it, me and you
We can do it, we can do it
We can make our dreams come true
Everything you've ever wanted
Is just waiting to be had
Beautiful girls, wearing nothing but pearls
Caressing you, undressing you
And driving you mad
We can do it, we can do it
This is not the time to shirk
We can do it, you won't rue it
Say goodbye to petty clerk
Hi, producer: yes, producer
I mean you, sir, go beserk!
We can do it, we can do it
And I know it's gonna work
Whatta ye say, Bloom?
LEO:
What do I say
Finally a chance to be a Broadway producer!
What do I say?
Finally a chance to make my dreams come true, sir!
What do I say, what do I say
Here's what I say to you, sir...
I can't do it, I can't do it
I can't do it, that's not me
I'm a loser, I'm a coward
I'm a chicken, don't you see?
When it comes to wooing women
There's a few things that I lack
Beautiful girls, wearing nothing but pearls...
Cashing me, embracing me
I'd have an attack
MAX:
Why, you miserable, cowardly, wretched little
caterpillar!
Don't you ever want to become a butterfly?
Don't you want to spread your wings and flap your way
to glory?
MAX:
We can do it
We can do it
We can grab that holy grail!
We can do it
We can do it
Drink champagne, not ginger ale
Come on, Leo
Can't you see-o ...
LEO:
Mr. Bialystock
Please stop the song
You've got me wrong
I'll say "so long"
I'm not as strong
A person as you think
Mr. Bialystock
Just take a look
I'm not a crook
I'm just a shnook
The bottom line
Is that I stink!
I...can't...
Do...it!
LEO:
You see Rio, I see jail!
MAX:
We can do it!
LEO:
I can't do it!
MAX:
We can do it!
LEO:
I cannot, cannot, cannot
'Cause I know it's gonna fail
MAX:
We can do it!
MAX:
I know it cannot fail
LEO:

Igor:
Have you heard about the mania
if not then let me explain t'ya
Yes sir,
it's the Transylvania mania.
Whether you're in Ruritania
Or a dance hall in Albania
Yes sir,
it's the Transylvania mania.
Everybody who's been viewing it can't resist it's
appeal.
Everybody's out there doing it, millionaire and
schlemiel.
So join the fun, lets all be zany-a
Even Liths in Lithuania love it, it's the latest rage.
Lose the blues and don't complain-ia
hit the dance floor feel no pain-ia
Love it
do the Transylvania mania.
Frankenstein:
Just accept it don't refrain-ia.
Inga:
Don't resist it's all in vain-ia
Igor:
Come on kids lets raise some Cain-ia
Igor, Frankenstein and Inga:
Yes sir
Yes sir
it's the latest craze.
DANCE BREAK
Frankenstein:
It's the cherry pie without the pits
Inga:
It's the weekend spent in Biarritz.
Igor:
It's all the rage with the french and brits.
All:
The Transylvania mania.
Frankenstein:
It It's the newest quip from Algonquin wits
Inga:
It's the winning horse that never quits
Igor:
It's the Paprikash with an ice cold Schlitz.
All:
The Transylvania mania.
Do the Transylvania mania.
It's southern fried with a side of grits.
It's gentiles, Jews and jesuits
Inga and Igor:
it's a etude played by Horowitz
Frankenstein:
It's Irving Berlin's Puttin' on the Ritz!
DANCE BREAK
All:
Rich and poor are also chewing it in hotels or huts
even dogs are also doing it, pedigrees and mutts.
All the devils in Tasmania shake their tails and go
insane-ia.
Love it, it's the latest rage.
Grab a steamship or a plane-ia
To the heart of old Roumania
Love it, yeah you're gonna love it
Do the transylvania mania-AHHHH
(Monster breaks in)
Frankenstein (Spoken):
What have I done? What have I done?
All:

Elizabeth:
It’s me, it’s me!
It’s me x 9
It’s me, me, me, me, me
Me, me, me, me, me
Frau Blucher:
And who are you, you, you, you, you
You, you, you, you, you
You?
Elizabeth: [Spoken]
Why I’m Elizabeth Benning, Dr. Frankenstein’s adorable
madcap fiance.
I’m sure he’s spoken of me day and night.
Frau Blucher: [Spoken]
Never.
Well let me warn you Dr. Frankenstein may not be
entirely happy with a surprise.
Elizabeth: [Spoken]
Au contraire.
Elizabeth:
Everybody loves to get a surprise. Life can be so dull
without a surprise.
When your spirits dragging and your oh so blue, it all
can change,
if your fates arranged a nice surprise for you.
All the world enjoys a lovely surprise. Life’s a chore,
a bore without a surprise.
When everything seems hopeless then you realize,
there’s nothing like a wonderful surprise.
Elizabeth: [Spoken]
Allow me to present my entourage, I never travel
without them.
Marcia, nails, Sasha, makeup, Tasha, hair,
Basha, wardrobe, and Bob my astrologer.
Ensemble:
Everybody loves to get a surprise.
Elizabeth:
Everybody loves a little surprise.
Ensemble:
No one could refuse a little surprise.
Elizabeth:
Protestants and Jews all love a surprise.
Ensemble:
When you’re melancholy
Elizabeth:
Oh boo hoo, hoo
Ensemble:
And you start to cry
Elizabeth:
Don’t you start to cry
Ensemble:
Cause a nice surprise will dry your eyes and troubles
go bye, bye
Elizabeth:
Bye, bye
Frau and Igor:
Some folks don’t appreciate a surprise.
Elizabeth:
No one could refuse a teeny weeny surprise.
Frau and Igor:
Specially if they’re naked when their surprised
Elizabeth:
Everyone could use a lovely surprise
Frau and Igor:
If you know whats’ doing
Elizabeth:
A surprise is brewing
Frau and Igor:
Here’s what we advise, never bother people with a
surprise.
Elizabeth:
Freddy, are you ready for a simply stunning surprise?
It’s me x 4
Frau and Igor:
Some folks don’t appreciate a surprise.
Elizabeth:
Freddy darling!
It’s me x 5
Igor and Frau:
Specially if they’re naked when their surprised
Elizabeth:
Stop your crying, don’t be blue, it all can change, if
a nice surprise’s for you!
All the world enjoys a lovely surprise.
Igor and Frau:
Some folks don’t appreciate a surprise,
Elizabeth:
Surprise!
Embrace the unexpected and let the fates devise a
stunning,
cunning, wonderful surp…
Frederick!
Dr. Frankenstein:
Elizabeth!
Inga:
Scheiza
All:

[Igor]
(spoken)
Oh, the fantasic things we'll do.
It'll be like old times. You and me.
Right up there with the world's greatest pairs!
(sung)
Like Laurel and Hardy,
like Coke and Baccardi
Like Juliet and Romeo,
Ebb and Flow,
To and Fro,
Together, Together again...
Together again for the first time,
We've only met in a dream!
Up until now it's been the worst time,
but now that you're here,
we're a team!
Together again for the first time,
haven't a woe or a care
No longer a bad and accursed time
It's easy to see, you have to agree
We're destined to be a great pair!
All of my life I've been stoogin' around,
nothin' to do, at my loss.
All of my life I've been stoogin' around
But what good is a stooge
If He ain't got a boss?!?!
Together again for the first time,
back on the track to renown
We're gonna thrill 'em,
We're gonna kill 'em
You'll be the teacher,
We'll make a new creature,
and scare the bloomin' daylights right out of this
town!
(spoken)
[Frederick]
No, stop it! Stop it! You don't understand.
I'll only be here for a few days, to settle my
grandfather's estate, and then
I'm heading straight back to New York. No laboratories,
no creatures.
[Igor]
Bet you change your mind, master.
C'mon, join in a chorus, it's fun!
[Frederick]
My dear Igor,
I happen to be the Dean of Anatomy at a world-renown
School of Medicine.
Although, I do sing a bit. And was,
in fact, a Whiffenpoof at Yale.
[Igor]
A Wiffenpoof, wow! C'mon doc, nobody's around!
[Frederick]
Well, nobody is around...what the hell!
(sung)
Together again for the first time!
Haven't a woe or a care!
[Igor]
Together again for the first time
Haven't a woe or a care!
This is the best time
[Frederick]
No longer a bad and accursed time,
It's easy to see
[Igor]
You have to agree
[Igor and Frederick]
We're destined to be a great pair!
[Frederick]
May I?
[Igor]
Take it!
[Frederick]
All of my life, I've been bossing around, mean and
alone like a Scrooge.
All of my life I've been bossing around,
But what good is a boss if he ain't got a Stooge?!
(spoken)
Oh, I'm sorry, I don't wish to embarrass you, but I am
a rather brilliant surgeon.
Perhaps I could help you with that hump.
[Igor]
What hump?
[Both]
Together again for the first time,
We're only met in a dream
[Frederick]
Like Ginger and Freddie
[Igor]
Macdonald and Eddy
[Frederick]
Like San Juan and Teddy
[Igor]
Or Meatballs and Spaghetti!
[Both]
But the pair that we cry for
The pair that we sigh for
The pair that we die for
is Fron-kon-steen and Eye-gore,
For the first time
together again!
Together again for the first time,
We've only met in a dream
[Frederick]
Like Gimbel and Macy
[Igor]
Like Hepburn and Tracy
[Frederick]
Like Lombard and Gable
[Igor]
Like good ol' Cain and Abel!
[Both]
For t he first time,
Together again!

Well
hi there people
you know me
I used to run a little joint called Germany.
I was number one
the people's choice
And everybody listened to my mighty voice.
My name is Adolf
I'm on the mike.
I'm gonna hip you to the story of the New Third Reich.
It all began down in Munich town and pretty soon
The word started gettin' around.
So I said to Martin Boorman
I said
Hey Marty, why don't we throw a little nazi party?
We had an election
well
kinda sorta
And before you knew it hello
new order.
To all those mothers in the fatherland I said
Achtung, Baby, I got me a plan
'YVhatcha got Adolf? Whatcha gonna do?"
I said "how about this one
World War Two?"
To be or not to be
oh baby
can't you see
We're gonna take it to the top. You're making history
And it feels so good to me
ooh darlin'
please don't ever stop.
Don't be stupid; be a smarty
come on and join the nazi party - party.
Like humpty dumpty offa that wall
All the little countries they began to fall
Holland
Belgium
Denmark
Poland-
The troops were rockin' and the tanks were rollin'
We were swingin' along with a song in our hearts.
And "Deutschland über alles" was making the charts
We had a new step called a goosestep we were dancing to.
Well
it's sorta kinda like a German boogaloo
I was gettin' what I wanted
but it wasn't enough.
So I called the boys
I said boys
get though
Now I surrounded myself with some unusual cats.
There was skinny little Göbbels and Göring mister fats
And let's not forget ole Himmler and Hess.
You'd better believe we made a hell of a mess
Say Heil - Heil - siegety Heil
we gonna whip it on the people teutonic style
To be or not to be
oh baby
can't you see
We're gonna make it to the top. You are our destiny
This thing was meant to be
why don't we do it till we drop?
Say you boots ain't black and shirt ainY brown?
Well
get back Jack
you can't get down. Do it
Adolf
do it.
I drank wine from the Rhine with the finest ladies
And we did it in the back of my black Mercedes.
I was on a roll
I couldn't lose
then came D-day
the birth of the blues.
The Yanks and the Brits started raising cain
Those guys were the pits
I was goin' insane.
People all around me started swallowing pills
Let's face it
folks
we was going downhill.
Berlin was crumbling
we was under the gun
Time to look out for number one.
So I grabbed a blonde and a case of beer
Say the Russians are commin'
lets get out of here.
To be or not to be
oh honey
can't you see
We had to take it to the top. You sure made history
And it felt so good to me
oh schatze
Please don't ever stop.
Auf wiedersehn
good to've seen ya
I got a one way ticket to Argentina.
To be or not to be
oh baby
can't you see
We've got to take it to the top. You're makin' history
And it feels so good to me
Why don't we do it till we drop?
We have ways of making you dance . . .

LEO:
The overture is over
The curtain starts to rise
You're suddenly in glover
You can't believe your eyes
You're sitting on the aisle
You break into a smile
Why this magic feeling?
And then you realise
That there is
Nothing like a show on Broadway
Nothing like a Broadway show
Hearts will skip a beat on Broadway
If you're feeling blue
I'm telling you
That's the place to go
Movie's drag their endings sag
TV's just a bore
So hit the street
And move your feet to the place we all adore.
Because there's
Nothing like a show on Broadway
There's nothing like a Broadway show
MAX:
It's often been said
The theatre is dead
The critics repeat it en masse
But the theatre's alive
It's gonna survive
Although it's a pain in the ass.
You waited forever
And finally got tickets
To get to your seat you gotta cross pickets.
The guy to your right is frightfully tight
And the guy to your left appears to have rickets.
The music's yuck
The lyrics suck
The casting is all wrong
And when you reach the bathroom
The line is five miles long.
LEO:
But still
There's nothing like a show on Broadway.
LEO AND MAX:
There's nothing like a Broadway show.
MAX;
You swear you'll never go again.
It's simply not worthwile
LEO:
You make that vow
and then somehow
LEO AND MAX:
You're back there on the aisle.
That's why there's
Nothing like a show on Broadway
LEO:
There's nothing like a Broadway show
MAX:
Til you're in movies
LEO:
There's nothing like a Broadway show
MAX:
And though it is expensive at a hundred bucks a throw
LEO AND MAX;
There's nothing...

MAX:
I used to be the king, the king of old Broadway
The best of ev'rything was mine to have each day
I always had the biggest hits
The biggest bathrooms at the Ritz
My showgirls had the biggest tits!
I never was the pits in any way!
WORKMAN, BUM, BAG LADY:
We believe you, thousands wouldn't
We believe you, ev'ry word
We believe you, thousands couldn't
We believe each word we've heard
MAX:
I used to be the king...
WORKMAN, BUM, BAG LADY:
The King?
MAX:
The king of old Broadway...
BLIND VIOLINIST:
It's good to be the king!
MAX:
My praises they would sing
A Ziegfeld so they'd say
My shows were always filled with class
The best champagnes would fill my glass
My lap was filled with gorgeous ass
You couldn't call me crass in any way!
WORKMAN, BUM, BAG LADY, VIOLINIST, USHERETTES, NUNS,
STREET CLEANER:
We believe you, thousands wouldn't
We believe you, ev'ry word
We believe you, thousands couldn't
We believe each word we've heard
MAX:
There was a time
When I was young and gay...
But straight
There was a time
When I was bold
There was a time
When each and ev'ry play I touched
Would turn to gold
CHORUS:
There was a time
He wore the finest clothes
His shoes were always new
Ahh!
MAX:
Now I wear a rented tux
That's two weeks overdue!
CHORUS:
Poor Bialy, what a shmoozer
Poor Bialy, what a shame
Poor Bialy, what a loser
Poor Bialy, goodbye fame
MAX:
Rented tux...
Overdue...
Way overdue
MAX:
Such reviews! How dare they insult me in this manner?
How quickly they forget. I am Max Bialystock!
The first producer ever to do summer stock in the
winter!
CHORUS:
Once he was the king...
MAX:
You've heard of Theatre in the Round?
You're looking at the man who invented Theatre in the
Square!
Nobody had a good seat!
CHORUS:
King of old Broadway
MAX:
I've spent my entire life in the theater.
I was a protege of the great Boris Tomaschevski.
CHORUS:
Ooh!
MAX:
Yes. He taught me everything I know.
I'll never forget, he turned to me on his deathbed and
said,
"Maxella, alle menschen muss zu machen, jeden tug a
gentzen kachen!"
NUN #1:
What does that mean?
MAX:
Who knows? I don't speak Yiddish. Strangely enough,
neither did he.
But in my heart I knew what he was saying.
He was saying, when you're down and out, and everybody
thinks you're finished,
that's the time to stand up on your two feet and shout,
"Who do you have to fuck to get a break in this town?!"
CHORUS:
Yay!
MAX:
I used to be the king
The king of old Broadway
Again I will be king
And be on top to stay
CHORUS:
Used to be the king
King of old Broadway
On top to stay, hey!
MAX:
There'll be gala opening nights again
You'll see my name in lights again
I'll go from dark to brights again
My spirits high as kites again
I'll never suffer slights again
I'll taste those sweet delights again
No plethora of plights again
No blossoming of blights again
No frantic fits or frights again
Fame is in my sights again
I'll take those fancy flights again
I'm gonna scare the heights again
Bialystock will never drop
Bialystock will never stop...
Bialystock will be on top again
CHORUS:
Fame is in his sights again
He'll take those fancy flights again
He's gonna scale the heights again
MAX:
I'll be on top again, hey!
CHORUS:

(Fredcrick, Students)
STUDENT #1:
It's been said the your grandfather
Brought dead tissue back to life,
Is that true, Dr. Frankenstein?
STUDENT #2:
It's been said that your grandfather
Created a horrifying monster,
Is that true, Dr. Frankenstein?
STUDENT #3:
It's been said . . .
(spoken)
. . . nay, even sung . . .
(sung)
That your grandfather's monster
Hurt and lamed, killed and maimed,
Is that true, Dr. Frankenstein?
STUDENTS:
Is that true, Dr. Frankenstein?
Is that true, Dr. Frankenstein?
Is that true,
Is that true,
Is that true,
Is that true, Dr. Frankenstein?
FREDERICK (spoken):
That's Fronkensteen! My name, it's pronounced
Fronkensteen! Yes, yes, the whole world knows what my
grandfather did. But
please, do I look like the kind of madman who'd prowl
around graveyards, digging up freshly buried corpses?
STUDENT #1:
Well, Professor . . .
FREDERICK:
Don't answer that!
(sung)
I'm not a Frankenstein,
I don't indulge in hijinks
Or tomfoolery!
I'm not a Frankenstein,
I don't believe in mummies,
Ghosts, or Ghoulery!
I deal in fact not fiction,
I am a scientist,
I live for truth and reason,
That's the reason I exist
(spoken)
There is a vast difference between my crazy
grandfather's delusional experiments and my own
devotion to pure science. Which
leads us directly to the subject of today's lecture.
(sung)
The brain!
There is nothing like the brain
Hearts and lungs are simply tinker toys
When stacked against the brain!
Insane!
I'm insane about the brain!
No invention in the universe
Is equal to the brain!
The mouth's a marvel
When it comes to eating,
I've nothing against the womb,
I thank the bladder
When I'm excreting,
And I always give the elbow room!
But the brain!
Please allow me to explain,
There's no organ can compare to it,
I swear to it, it's plain,
It's the brain . . .
(spoken)
Mr. Hilltop here, with whom I have never worked nor
given any prior instruction to, has graciously offered
his services for
this afternoon's demonstration.
(sung)
His medulla oblongata,
Tells his brain stem that it's gotta
Send an impulse full of data
Which creates a lotta pain.
His frontal lobe gets busy
With a thought that makes him dizzy,
Puts his cortex in a tizzy,
So he never will complain,
That's what I love about the brain!
(spoken)
Mr. Hilltop, will you raise your left knee, please. You
have just witnessed a voluntary nerve impulse. Mr.
Hilltop, you
may lower your knee. Reflex movements, on the other
hand, are those which are made independently of the
will. Why you dirty
rotten yellow son-of-a-bith!
MR. HILLTOP:
Ooooh!
FREDERICK:
Even though I almost kneed him
His reflexes have no freedomm
to react when I mistreat him,
It's important I explain
Synaptic nerve connection
Goes its way without detection
Bringing cranial protection
In a never-endinig chain!
That's what I love about the brain!
(spoken)
But what if we were to block those nerve impulses by
simply aplying local pressure . . . . . . which can be
done with any
ordinary metal clamp, just at the swelling of the
posterior nerve root . . . for say, oh, four seconds .
. . . . . Why you
mother-grabbing bastard! As you can see, even though I
have just smashed my knee into his crotch, he does not
react. He
feels absolutely nothing.
MR. HILLTOP:
Mmmm . . .
FREDERICK:
More or less. So if it were not for this continuous
stream of motor impulses from the brain, we would
collapse . . . . . .
like a bunch . . . of . . . broccoli!
MR. HILLTOP:
Oooooh!
FREDERICK (sung):
And in conclusion,
So there's no confusion,
Let me say it once again,
Though your genitalia
Has been known to fail ya,
You can bet your ass on the brain!
(spoken)
Everybody!
STUDENTS (sung):
The brain!
There is nothing like the brain!
It's the king of our anaotomy
And ever shall it reign!
FREDERICK:
You can call me Copernicus,
Kepler, or Newton,
Compare me to Freud
I'd feel high-falutin!
Call me a Darwin,
I love that man's theory,
Call me Pasteur
And watch me get teary!
Say Madame Curie,
That would be the best,
Call me a Rorschach,
I'm up to the test!
I really light up
When you call me Edison
Call me an Erlich,
I like that man's medicine
Call me Marconi,
That wireless wow
Call me Pavlov,
And I'll bark like a chow
Call me an Einstein
And that would be fine
If you called me a Tesla
I wouldn't decline
But to call me a Frankenstein
Would be insane,
Cause I love the brain!
STUDENTS:
His name is Fronkensteen
The facts are plain

LEO:
The urge to merge can rob us of our senses
The need to breed can make a man a drone
We must be on alert with our defenses
For every skirt will test testosterone
So knowing this I severed all connection
With any creature sporting silk or lace
I was firmly headed in the right direction
When suddenly I stumbled on that face
That face, that face
That dangerous face
I mustn't be unwise
Those lips, that nose, those eyes
Could lead to my demise
That face, that face
That marvelous face
I never should begin
Those cheeks, that neck, that chin
Will surely do me in
I must be smart
And hide my heart
If she's within a mile
If I don't duck
I'm out of luck
She'd kill me with her smile
That face, that face
That fabulous face
It's clear I must beware
I'm certain if I fall in love
I'm lost without a trace
But it's worth it...
For that face
ULLA:
That face, that face
That lovable face
It melts my Swedish heart
LEO:
I'm certain if I fall in love
I'm lost without a trace...
LEO & ULLA:
But it's worth it for...

ROGER:
I was just a paper hanger
No one more obscurer
Got a phone call from the Reichstag
Told me I was Fuhrer
Germany was blue
What, oh, what to do?
Hitched up my pants
And conquered France
Now Deutschland's smiling through!
It ain't no myst'ry
If it's politics or hist'ry
The thing you gotta know is
Ev'rything is show biz
Heil myself
Watch my show
I'm the German Ethel Merman
Dontcha know
We are crossing borders
The new world order is here
Make a great big smile
Ev'ryone sieg heil to me
Wonderful me!
And now it's...
CHORUS:
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Goose-step's the new step today
CHORUS MEN:
Bombs falling from the skies again
CHORUS:
Deutschland is on the rise again
ROGER & CHORUS:
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
U-boats are sailing once more
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
ROGER:
Means that...
CHORUS:
Soon we'll be going...
ROGER:
We've got to be going...
CHORUS:
You know we'll be going....
ROGER:
You bet we'll be going...
ROGER & CHORUS:

CHORUS:
Germany was having trouble
What a sad, sad story
Needed a new leader to restore
Its former glory
Where, oh, where was he?
Where could that man be?
We looked around and then we found
The man for you and me
LEAD TENOR STORMTROOPER:
And now it's...
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Deutschland is happy and gay!
We're marching to a faster pace
Look out, here comes the master race!
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Rhineland's a fine land once more!
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Watch out, Europe
We're going on tour!
Springtime for Hitler and Germany...
CHORUS:
Look, it's springtime
LEAD TENOR STORMTROOPER:
Winter for Poland and France
CHORUS AND STORMTROOPER:
Springtime for Hitler and Germany!
CHORUS:
Springtime! Springtime!
Springtime! Springtime!
Springtime! Springtime!
Springtime! Springtime!
STORMTROOPER:
Come on, Germans
Go into your dance!
STORMTROOPER "ROLF":
I was born in Dusseldorf und that is why they call me
Rolf.
STORMTROOPER "MEL":
Don't be stupid, be a smarty, come and join the Nazi
party!
ULLA:
The Fuhrer is coming, the Fuhrer is coming, the Fuhrer
is coming!
STORMTROOPER #1:
Heil Hitler!
STORMTROOPER #2:
Heil Hitler!
LEAD TENOR STORMTROOPER:
Heil Hitler!
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
ALL:

Germany was having trouble, what a sad, sad story
Needed a new leader to restore its former glory
Where, Oh where was he? Where could that man be?
We looked around and then we found
The man for you and me.
And now it's..
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Deutschland is happy and gay
We're marching to a faster pace
Look out, here comes the master race
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Winter for Poland and France
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Come on, Germans, go into your dance
I was born in Dusseldorf, and that is why they call me
Rolf
Don't be stupid, be a smarty, come and join the Nazi
party
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Goosestep's the new step today
bombs falling from the skies again
Deutschland is on the rise again
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
U-boats are sailing once more
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Means that soon we'll be going
We've got to be going

Frederick:(Spoken)How are we getting to the castle?
Inga:(Speaks in German)
Frederick:(Spoken)What's that?
Inga:(Spoken)A hay ride!
Inga:Roll, roll, roll in ze hay
Roll, roll your troubles away
When life is awful
Just jump on a straw full
And roll, roll in ze hay
Roll, roll, roll in ze hay
Roll, roll, do it all day
When spirits are saggin'
Just jump in a wagon
And roll, roll in ze hay
Inga:(Spoken)I'm very high spirited doctor. I hope you
won't hold it against me.
Frederick:(Spoken)Oh. I'll try not to.
Inga:Hitch those horses up for a gay ride
We'll have lot's of fun
Nothings better than a hay ride
Underneath the sun
Roll, roll, roll in ze hay
Sometimes love finds a way
You might steal a kiss
From an unwitting miss
Whose not to resistant to play
So let's roll, roll, roll, roll in ze hay
Inga:(Spoken)So, have you thought of any ways you could
use me?
Frederick:(Spoken)Two.And I'm working on a third.
Inga:(Spoken)Oh, good! Does that mean I'm hired?
Frederick:(Spoken)Well, a large part of me is pointing
in that direction.
Frederick & Inga: Roll, roll in ze hay.
Igor: We'll go up the path, then down the hill, back up
the path, then down the hill.
We'll go up and down and up and down and up and down
and up and down.
Frederick & Inga: Up and down, and up and down,
and up and down, and up and down and.
Inga:Up?
Frederick:Down?
Inga:Up?
Frederick:Down?
Inga:Up!
Frederick:Down!
Inga:Up!
Frederick:Down!
Igor:(Sung in unison)Hitch those horses up for a gay
ride
We'll have lot's of fun
Nothings better than a hay ride
Underneath the sun
Inga: Yodeladie, yodeladie
Frederick & Igor: Roll in it
Inga: Roll in it
Yodeladie, yodeladie
Frederick & Igor: Roll in it
Inga:Roll in it
Come take a hay ride
And take your breath away ride
Roll in it
Roll in ze hay
Yodeladie,Yodeladie,Yodeladie,
Yodeladie,Yodeladie,Yodeladie,
Yodeladie,Yodeladie,Yodeladie,
Yodeladie,Yodeladie,Ladie,Ladie,Ladie,
Yodeladie,Yodeladie,Yodeladie,Yodeladie,
Yodeldee.
(Howling)
Frederick: What's that?
Inga:Vervolves.
Frederick:Werewolves!
Igor: THERE! THERE WOLVES!
Frederick: What?
Igor:THERE WOLVES!THERE CASTLE!
Frederick: Why are you talking like that?
Igor: I DON'T KNOW! I don't know, I don't...I don't
know.
I thought you wanted me to.
Frederick: Well I don't.
Igor: Hmm. Have it your way. I'm easy.
Inga: Yodeladie,ho-dee-dae,yodeladie,
ho-dee-dae,yodel-dee-dae,yodel-dee-dae,
yodeladie,yodeldee,yodeladie,yodeladie,
yodeladie,yodeladie,yodel-dee-dae
Roll in ze dee
Yodeladie,ho-dee-dae,yodeladie, ho-dee-
dae,yodeladie,yodeladie,yodeladie,
yodeldee,yodeladie,yodeladie,yodeladie,
yodeladie,yodeladie,yodeladie,yodeladie,
yodeladie,yodeladie,yodeladie,yodeldee.
Frederick & Igor: So let's roll, roll, roll. We'll all
roll, roll, roll.
Inga: Come with me and roll.
Frederick & Igor:(Sung in unison)Roll in it, roll in
roll in it, roll in it, roll in it, roll in it.

If your blue and you don't know where to go to
why don't you go where fashion sits
Puttin on the ritz.
Different types of wear all day coat pants
with stripes and cut away coats for perfect fits
Puttin on the Ritz.
Dressed up like a million dollar trooper
Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper
Super-Duper
Come lets mix where Rockafellers
walk with sticks or umbrellas
in thier mits
Puttin on the Ritz.
Have you seen the well to do
Up and down Park Avenue
On that famous through fare
With thier noses in the air
High hats and narrow collars
White spats and lots of dollars
Spending every dime
For a wonderful time.
If your blue and you don't know where to go to
why don't you go where fashion sits
Puttin on the ritz.
Different types of wear all day coat pants
with stripes and cut away coats for perfect fits
Puttin on the Ritz.
Dressed up like a million dollar trooper
Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper
Super-Duper
Come lets mix where Rockafellers
walk with sticks or umbrellas
in thier mits
Puttin on the Ritz.
Dressed up like a million dollar trooper
Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper
Super-Duper
If your blue and you don't know where to go to
why don't you go where fashion sits
Puttin on the ritz.
Puttin on the ritz.
Puttin on the ritz.
Puttin on the ritz.
Move.......I want ya to move...
Got to dance... Got a dance....
If your blue and you don't know where to go to
why don't you go where fashion sits
Puttin on the ritz.

CONVICT #1:
Gotta sing ... sing!
CONVICT #2:
Gotta sing ... sing!
MAX:
Okay, boys, break's over. Let's take it from the top.
CONVICT #1:
This is good! Hey Bloom, put me in for ten grand.
MAX & CONVICTS:
Prisoners of love
Blue skies above
Can't keep our hearts in jail
MAX:
Tempo, fellas!
Pick up the tempo!
MAX & CONVICTS:
Prisoners of love
Our turtle doves
LEO:
Don't forget the balcony!
MAX & CONVICTS:
Soon coming 'round with bail
LEO:
Sing out, boys! Let 'em hear you in solitary!
MAX & CONVICTS:
Oh, you can lock us up
And lose the key
But hearts in love
Are always free!
Prisoners of love
Blue skies above
'Cause we're still prisoners
MAX:
Take it home, boys. We open in Leavenworth Saturday
night.
MAX & CONVICTS:
We're still prisoners
We're still prisoners of love
PRISON GUARD:
Hey, Bialystock, Bloom, Liebkind, good news! This just
came from the governor:
"Gentlemen, you are hereby granted a full pardon for
having -
through song and dance - brought joy and laughter into
the hearts of
every murderer, rapist and sex maniac in Sing Sing."
You're free!
LEO:
Free!
MAX:
Next stop, Broadway!
MAX & CONVICTS:
But hearts in love are always free!
ULLA & GIRL PRISONERS:
Prisoners of love
Blue skies above
Can't keep our hearts in jail!
ROGER:
Can't keep our hearts in jail!
ULLA & GIRL PRISONERS:
Prisoners of love
Our turtle doves
ROGER:
Soon coming 'round with bail
ULLA & GIRL PRISONERS:
Tote that bale!
MALE PRISONERS:
You can lock us up
and lose the key
ALL:
But hearts in love are always free!
ROGER, ULLA & ALL PRISONERS:
Prisoners of love
Blue skies above
'Cause we're still prisoners...
We're still prisoners...
We're still prisoners of love!
Love!
Love!
Love!
Love!
Love!
Love!
Love!
Love!
Love!
Love!
Love!
Love!
LEO & MAX:
Leo and Max
Up off our backs
Back on the Great White Way!
Leo and Max
Back on our tracks
We're back on top to stay!
So when we take your money, never fear
We'll knock Broadway right on its ear
The cast is great
The script is swell
But this we're tellin' you, sirs
It's just no go, you got no show
Without the producers!
We'll never quit
Hit after hit
You and me-o
We guarantee-o
You're lookin' at Leo
And Max!!
ENTIRE ENSEMBLE:

[Hermit]
(spoken)
Oh, Lord, please take pity!
I'm blind and oh so lonely!
(sung)
Someone,
Send me someone
I need someone
Who will care
Someone,
Send me someone
A friend to end despair
Someone to comfort my soul,
Someone to make my life whole,
Can you hear me?
Someone,
I'm praying for someone,
I'm saying there's someone
Out there for me!
Each night I'm yearning,
Tossing and turning,
Dreaming my dream comes true!
Someone,
Please send me someone,
I'm so blue.
(spoken)
Oh, lordy. Look down on your poor blind hermit.
It's been so long since I felt the touch of someone's
hand,
so long since I heard the sound of someone's voice.
Each night, all I hear is the wind in the trees, and if
I'm lucky, an or maybe...a cricket.
Oh, Lord, let's face it, we're talkin' LONELY here.
(sung)
Can you hear me?
Someone,
I'm praying for someone,
I'm saying there's someone
Out there for me.
Each night I'm yearning,
Tossing and turning,
Dreaming my dream comes true!
Someone,
Please send me someone,
Dear God, send someone
[Monster crashes in]

Elizabeth]
Dream all you want my darling
Of every lustful situation
Those naughty thoughts
Are fine with me
As long as they
Stay locked away
In your imagination
You can hug me til I scream
If it's only in a dream
But please don't touch me
You can feel me til I squeal
Just as long as it's not real
But please don't touch me
You can stick me
You can lick me
You can pinch me til I'm blue
You can bite me
And delight me til I'm blind
You can savage me
And ravage me
I care not what you do
If the lovely filthy things you do
Are only in your mind
You can spank me til I'm red
If it's only in your head
But please don't touch me
You can have me don't you see
If it's just a fantasy
But please don't touch me
[spoken]
Oh Freddie, darling, I know that you're a virgin.
[Frederick Frankenstein]
Yes, for me, science has always come first.
[Elizabeth]
And as every guy in New York knows - I come first too.
After our wedding
You'll be oh so glad we waited
Until then
Take cold showers when you're overstimulated
Anticipation is sublime
And although you might think I'm
A tease
Please don't touch me
[Female pedestrian]
Oh everybody look! How unique. They're not touching.
[Male pedestrian]
It must be "Please Don't Touch Me,"
the new dance craze that's sweeping catholic girl
schools all over the midwest.
[Female pedestrian]
Oh what fun! Let's try it.
[Chorus]
Please don't
Please don't
Please don't touch me
[Elizabeth]
Do not hug us
Do not drug us
Do not slug us til we cry
Do not throb us
Do not rob us of our wits
[Male chorus]
We won't poke you
We won't stroke you
Til we're just about to die
[Elizabeth]
But even in your wildest dreams
Don't dare to touch our tits
Don't dare to touch our tits
[Female chorus]
Don't dare to touch our tits
Don't touch our tits
Don't touch our tits
Don't touch our
[Elizabeth]
Tits, tits, tits, tits
Tits, tits, tits, tits
Tits!
Our tits!
When we're absolutely wed
You can do it til we're dead
[Frederick Frankenstein]
Elizabeth!
[Chorus]
Til then please, please, please
We're down on our knees
[Elizabeth]
Please keep your hands off these
[Chorus & Elizabeth]
Please don't touch me
[Chorus]
We won't touch you
[Elizabeth]
Please don't touch me
[Chorus]
We won't touch you
[Chorus & Elizabeth]
She's so touchy
[Elizabeth]

USHERETTE #1 & #2:
Opening night...
It's opening night!
It's Max Bialystock's latest show
Will it flop or will it go?
The cast is taking its final bow
Here comes the audience now
The doors are open: they're on their way...
Let's hear what they have to say!
FIRST NIGHTERS:
He's done it again
He's done it again
Max Bialystock has done it again!
We can't believe it
You can't conceive it...
MAN FIRST NIGHTER:
How'd he achieve it?
FIRST NIGHTERS:
It's the worst show in town!
We sat there sighing
Groaning and crying
There's no denying
It's the worst show in town!
WOMEN FIRST NIGHTERS:
Oh, we wanted to stand up and hiss...
MEN FIRST NIGHTERS:
We've seen shit...
FIRST NIGHTERS:
But never like this!
Max Bialystock has done it again!
The songs were rotten
The book was stinkin'
What he did to Shakespeare
Booth did to Lincoln!
We couldn't leave faster...
USHERETTE #1 & #2:
What a disaster!
FIRST NIGHTERS & USHERETTES:
We are still in shock
Who produced this shlock?
That slimey, sleazy Max Bialystock

[Frederick]
Now you're a creature,
a primitive soul,
you don't know your left from your right,
you're lost in the dark,
you need a spark,
to lead you into the light
I'll be that guide,
I'll be by your side,
I'll put you out of the mire,
you'll be the greatest creation of man
since the invention of fire!
You will walk
you will talk
ev'rybody witll gawk
at the Man About Town!
And I know
when you open that door,
you'll be cheered, never feared evermore!
Raise yor eyes to the skies,
there's no holding you down
You won't be a flash in the pan
You're the man...
The Man About Town!
Though you feel like a beast in a cage,
stick with me,
and you'll be
on the stage!
Throw your hat in the ring,
they might make you a king,
and you'll trade that hat for a crown,
You're the man,

Let's forget about thinking
Thinking's never smart
Flush your brain right down the drain
And listen to your heart
Let's be a couple of dumbells
Dumb right from the start
Loose your mind, 'cause love is blind,
And listen to your heart
Let's be stupid together
Not a thought in our head
Bird brains of a feather
Who'll fly right into bed
Let's be tottaly foolish
Two nitwitts never apart
You'll find such bliss in
The kissin' you're missin'
So listen,listen to your heart
As Ev'rybody knows,
If it's sex they're thinking of,
Intellectuals are ineffectuals
When it comes to making love.
Nietzsche always said he wouldn't
Schopenhauer thought he shouldn't
And as for Immanuel Kant,
Ev'ry girl in town knew that Kant,
Couldn't!
[Dance break]
Listen to your heart
Listen to your heart
Let's be blithering idiots
Singing love's sweet song
We'll blither ev'ry morning
and blither all night long
Let's find things undiscovered
Don't resist cupid's dart
You'll find such joy
Just by being a boy,

FREDERICK FRANKENSTEIN
(Spoken)
So, now we hurl the gauntlet of science into the
frightful face of death its self
(Sung)
Ever since the beginning of time
When life arose from prime evils line
Death has ruled without question
Death has Ruled supreme
Without the least suggestion
That man could foil it’s scheme
But now we call on science
To end deaths evil reign
We shout in brave defiance
This soul shall live again
Life, life, let my creature live
Life, life, it’s life that you must give
Fate, fate, through this storm and strife
Fate, fate, give my creature life
Tear the night asunder
Cast your light upon the dark
Lightning bolts and thunder will ignite a mortal spark
Life, life, air the break of dawn
Life, life, let my dream be born
Fate, fate, through this storm and strife
Fate, fate, give my creature life
Give my creaure life
(spoken)
This is it! Igor, throw the first switch
IGOR
Yes Master
FREDERICK FRANKENSTEIN
(sung)
Life, life, give my creature life
Give my creaure life
(spoken)
Now, throw the secoond switch
IGOR
Yes Master
COMPANY
Give the creature life
FREDERICK FRANKENSTEIN
(sung)
Tear the night asunder
Cast your light upon the dark
Lightning bolts and thunder will ignite a mortal spark
(spoken)
Now, Igor, throw the third switch
IGOR
Not the third switch
FREDERICK FRANKENSTEIN
Yes the third switch, throw it damn you throw it
IGOR
Yes master
FREDERICK FRANKENSTEIN
Inga, now!
(sung)
Give me life!
Air the break of dawn
Let my dream be born
Through this storm and strife
Through the wind swept air
Listen to my prayer
Stir its frame
Let breathing start
Let me hear his beating heart

MAX:
Did you get a chance yet to read Springtime for Hitler?
ROGER:
Read it? I devoured it! And I find it remarkable,
REMARKABLE!
MAX:
Then you'll do it?
ROGER:
Do it? Of course not.
It's not my kind of thing
I mean, Max please. World War II?
Oooo. Too dark. Too depressing.
The theatre's so obsessed
With dramas so depressed
It's hard to sell a ticket on Broadway
Shows should be more pretty
Shows should be more witty
Shows should be more...
What's the word?
LEO:
Gay?
ROGER:
Exactly!
No matter what you do on the stage
Keep it light, keep it bright, keep it gay!
Whether it's murder, mayhem or rage
Don't complain, it's a pain
Keep it gay!
CARMEN:
People want laughter when they see a show
The last thing they're after's a litany of woe
ROGER & CARMEN:
A happy ending will pep up your play...
ROGER:
Oedipus won't bomb...
CARMEN:
If he winds up with Mom!
Keep it gay!
ROGER:
Keep it gay...
ROGER & CARMEN:
Keep it gay!
MAX:
Couldn't agree more. And you have our blessings, Roger,
to make Springtime for Hitler just as gay as anyone
could possibly want.
So, c'mon, do it for us, please.
ROGER:
I'm sorry, Max, but it's simply not my cup of tea.
Still, fair is fair, perhaps I should ask my production
team what they think.
MAX:
You're production team. Who are they?
Roger:
You'll see. They all live here.
Guys! Come say hello to Bialystock and Bloom!
This is my set designer, Bryan.
BRYAN:
Keep it mad, keep it glad, keep it gay!
ROGER:
And here's my costume designer, Kevin.
KEVIN:
Hello...
Keep it happy, keep it snappy, keep it gay!
BRYAN & KEVIN:
We're clever, creative
It's our job to see
That ev'rything's perfect for Mr. De Bris!
ROGER:
Scott, my choreographer...
SCOTT:
Hi there...
ROGER:
And, ah, finally, last and least, my lighting designer,
Shirley Markowitz.
SHIRLEY:
Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay
ROGER:
Now, they all just read Springtime. What do you think
fellas?
BRYAN:
It needs glamour...
KEVIN:
And blitz...
SCOTT:
It needs sequence...
SHIRLEY:
And Tits.
Roger. I think that Springtime for Hitler
would be a marvelous opportunity for you. I mean, up to
now,
you've always been associated with, dare I say it,
frivolous musicals.
ROGER:
You're right. I've often felt as though I've been
throwing my life away
on silly little entertainments. Deopy showgirls in
gooey gowns. It's enough to make you heave.
Nonetheless, I'm sorry, Max.
I just couldn't do Springtime for Hitler
MAX:
Why not? Think of the respect.
ROGER:
MAX:
Think of the prestige.
ROGER:
No, no, no.
MAX:
Think of ... the Tony!
CARMEN & THE TEAM:
Tony...Tony...Tony...Tony...Tony!
ROGER:
Ngaaaaaahhhhh!
MAX:
What's the matter?
LEO:
Is he all right?
CARMEN:
He's having a stroke...
MAX & LEO:
What?
CARMEN:
...of genius!
ROGER:
I see it! I see it! At last. The chance to do something
important!
CARMEN:
Roger de Bris presents History!
ROGER:
Of course that whole second act has to be rewritten.
They're losing the war? Excuse me. It's too downbeat.
CARMEN:
Roger de Bris presents History!
ROGER:
But maybe...it's a wile idea, but it just might work...
I see a line of beautiful girls
Dressed as storm troopers, each one a gem
With leather boots and whips on their hips
It's risque, dare I say, S & M!
CARMEN & THE TEAM:
Love it!
ROGER:
I see German soldiers dancing through France
Played by chorus boys in very tight pants
And wait, there's more - they win the war!
And the dances they do will be daring and new
Turn-turn-kick-turn, turn-turn-kick-turn
One-two-three-kick-turn!
Keep it sassy, keep it classy, keep it...
MAX:
That is brilliant. Brilliant! Roger, I speak for Mr.
Bloom and myself
when I say that you are the only man in the world who
can do justice
to Springtime for Hitler. Will you do it, please?
LEO:
Please.
ROGER:
Wait a minute. This is a very big decision. It might
effect the course of my entire life.
I shall have to think about it...I'll do it. I'll do
Sabu, champagne!
ROGER, CARMEN & THE TEAM:
If at the end you want them to cheer
Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay
Whether it's Hamlet, Othello or Lear
Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay
CARMEN:
Comedy's joyous, a constant delight
Dramas annoy us...
ROGER & CARMEN:
...and ruin our night.
ROGER, CARMEN & THE TEAM:
So keep your Strindbergs and Ibsens at bay...
ROGER:
I'll sign...
KEVIN:
Sign...
BRYAN:
Sign...
SCOTT:
Sign...
CARMEN:
Sign...
SHIRLEY:
Sign...
MAX & LEO:
Sign...
ROGER:
Roger Elizabeth De Bris!
ALL:

[Victor]
We've been the pride of Romania
since Twelve-O-One,
Passed on for generations,
Father to Son
Descended from gypsies,
as proud as we can be.
Don't risk my curse, it could be worse
Embrace your fam'ly tree!
Join the fam'ly bus'ness
Learn the family trade
Make yourself a monster
Make the world afraid!
Join the fam'ly bus'ness,
You must take the fam'ly name!
Follow in our footsteps
and you'll win eternal fame!
The Roqueforts are celebrated
for their Roquefort cheese,
the Rothschilds are famous for their wines
Hersheys have their choc'lates
and Liptons have their teas
But when it comes to making monsters, You can't beat
the Frankensteins!
Join the fam'ly bus'ness
Rob a grave or two,
Stop the shop from closing,
It all depends on you!
Uphold the fam'ly honor,
you must toe the fam'ly line,
Join the fam'ly bus'ness
Join the fam'ly bus'ness
Join the fam'ly bus'ness
For your name is Frankenstein!
Meet your family!
[All]
Join the fam'ly bus'ness
Show some fam'ly pride
[Men]
Make yourself a monster...
[Women]
And then you'll make his bride!
[Victor]
Listen to your Great, Great, Great Grandfather Mordecai
[Mordecai]
Join the fam'ly bus'ness
If you don't want to die!
[All]
As you know predestination
From day the of your creation
Has determined your vocation
That's a fact.
[1st solo]
Because you are a Frankenstein
[2nd solo]
You have no choice
[3rd solo]
You can't decline
[4th solo]
So show some spine
[All]
It's time to sign the fam'ly pact
This is your fate
Become a Frankenstein before it's too late!
We know you won't regret it,
You should express your willingness
Why not acquiesce, reassess,
You're under stress
[Victor]
Just relax and make a serum
Come up with a brilliant theorem,
take you knife,
create a life
[All]
It ain't no fuss!
[Victor]
Join the fam'ly enterprise,
Best be prudent, best be wise!
Time to open up your eyes
Join the fam'ly bus'ness!
[All]
Join the fam'ly enterprise,
Best be prudent, best be wise!
Time to open up your eyes
Join the fam'ly bus'ness!
Join the fam'ly enterprise,
Best be prudent, best be wise
Time to open up your eyes
Come on, come clean
Don't make a scene,
Your name's not Fronk-en-steen!
Join the family business
Learn the family trade
Make yourself a monster
Make the world afraid
This is one position that you never can resign
[Victor]
Do not make a fuss,
There's nothing to discuss
You must be one of us
[All]

Now get down people
And listen to me
Gonna tell you how I made history
You can call me Louis
I'm the king of France
Check out my story
While you do your dance
Now it's seventeen hundred and eighty nine
The peasants were starving
But I was fine
We were hanging out
Down in old Versailles
That's the weekend pad of my queen and I
In the alleys of Paris
They was eating rats
But it was fillet mignon
For the aristocrats
There was Dukes and Counts and
Barons and Earls
I gave them the title
But I kept the girl
Blond, redhead, wild, brunette
Ladies in wait
I didn't wait to get
There was truffles for breakfast
Toast for brunch
The lion of the folley's version for lunch...
Ooh yes it's good to be the king
Ooh la la
Gee but it's good to be the king
Say it girls
You can be sure about one thing
Ooh la la
Mais oui, it's good to be the king
It's good to be the king
Well the palace was rocking
And we were doing it good
When we heard there was some trouble
In the neighborhood
I wasn't too worried
No big deal
We step out of line
Jack, you're near the Bastille
The party kept spinning
All day an dall night
The champagne was flowing
We were feeling all right
They were screaming for breath
Things started to shake
But Marie Antoinette said,
"We'll let 'em eat cake."
Now the rapper wouldn't have it
They was angry and beat
They built a big old razor
Called the Guillotine
Then the people all shouted
We'll have all day
Down with dirty war
Give us Perrier
I said that in the war things might get screwy
But they'd never lay a finger
On good king Louis
Just keep your cool
Don't fret, don't freak
Say hey
Say what
Say magnifico
Ooh yes it's good to be the king
Ooh la la
Gee but it's good to be the king
Your fantasy is my reality
You can be sure about one thing
Ooh la la
Mais oui, it's good to be the king
It's good to be the king
Night and day
Vous, vous voulez
Well they broke down the gate
In one massive assault
And the party came to a grinding halt
They took the midgets and the freakies
With the girls in tote
And a voice said
Louis, it's time to go
They put my neck on the block
They took off my wig
And it occured to me
This was the end of the gig
They asked me did I have any
Last words to say
Well I raised my head
And I hollered hey
Ooh yes it's good to be the king
Ooh la la
Gee but it's good to be the king
Well c'est la vie
Make that one more
You can be sure about one thing
Ooh la la
Mais oui, it's good to be the king
It's good to be the king
Bonjour
Ooh la la
Ooh yes, it's good to be the king
Well it was good while it lasted

THE ACCOUNTANTS:
Unhappy...unhappy..very unhappy
Unhappy...unhappy...
Very very very very very
Very very unhappy
LEO:
I spend my life accounting
With figures and such
THE ACCOUNTANTS:
Unhappy
LEO:
To what is my life amounting
It figures, not much
THE ACCOUNTANTS:
Unhappy
LEO:
I have a secret desire
Hiding deep in my soul
It sets my heart afire
To see me in this role
I wanna be a producer
With a hit show on Broadway
I wanna be a producer
Lunch at Sardi's every day
I wanna be a producer
Sport a top hat and a cane
I wanna be a producer
And drive those chorus girls insane!
I wanna be a producer
And sleep until half-past two
I wanna be a producer
And say, "You, you, you, not you"
I wanna be a producer
Wear a tux on op'ning nights!
I wanna be a producer
And see my name "Leo Bloom" in lights!
CHORUS GIRLS:
He wants to be a producer
Of a great big Broadway smash
He wants to be a producer
Ev'ry pocket stuffed with cash
He wants to be a producer
Pinch our cheeks 'til we cry
CHORUS GIRL #1:
Ouch!
CHORUS GIRL #2:
Eek!
CHORUS GIRL #3:
Ooh!
CHORUS GIRL #4:
CHORUS GIRL #5:
Ahh!
CHORUS GIRL #6:
Yes!
CHORUS GIRLS:
He wants to be a producer
With a great big casting couch! OOH!
LEO:
I wanna be...
CHORUS GIRLS:
He wants to be...
LEO:
I wanna be...
CHORUS GIRLS:
He wants to be...
LEO:
I wanna be the greatest, grandest
And most fabulous producer in the world
CHORUS GIRLS:
He wants to dine with a duchess and a duke
LEO:
I just gotta be a producer
Drink champagne until I puke
CHORUS GIRLS:
Drink champagne 'til he pukes!
LEO:
I wanna be a producer
Show the world just what I've got
I'm gonna put on shows
That will enthrall 'em
CHORUS GIRLS & LEO:
Read my name in Winchell's column!
LEO:
I wanna be a producer
'Cause it's everything I'm not
THE ACCOUNTANTS:
Unhappy...unhappy...
LEO:
I wanna be a producer...
Wait a minut x 2 Hold everything! x 2
Mr. Bialystock was right!
There is a lot more to me than there is to me!
Stop the world, I wanna get on!
I'm gonna be a producer
GIRLS:
He's gonna be a producer

ROGER:
Heil myself
Heil to me
I'm the kraut
Who's out to change our history
Heil myself
Raise your hand
There's no greater
Dictator in the land!
Everything I do, I do for you!
CHORUS:
Yes, you do!
ROGER:
If you're looking for a war, here's World War Two!
Heil myself
Raise your beer
CHORUS:
Jawohl!
ROGER:
Ev'ry hotsy-totsy Nazi stand and cheer
CHORUS:
Hooray!
Ev'ry hotsy-totsy Nazi...
ROGER:
Heil myself!
CHORUS:
Ev'ry hotsy-totsy Nazi...
ROGER:
Heil myself!
CHORUS:
Ev'ry hotsy-totsy Nazi...
ROGER:
...stand and cheer!
THE HEIL-LOs:
He's the Fuhrer. Let's give our salute and...
ROGER:
Hi hayde hidey hoedy!

[Frau Blucher]
Love comes when you least suspect it,
love dances in on a whim,
I thought maybe I could direct it,
But I never expected...
A guuy like him.
He was a bully und a brute,
he vas as crazy as a coot,
still I didn't give a hoot,
He vas my boyfriend!
With ev'ry voman he vould flirt,
He alvays treated me like dirt,
But I vas happy to be hurt,
He vas my boyfriend!
I vas as pure as a virgin meadow,
lying with Vicotr in the gloam.
Then he turned to me, that charmer, whispered, "Let's
play farmer."
And plowed me 'til the cows came home!
He vas a monster and a beast,
His midnight bangings never ceased,
it didn't faze me in the least,
He vas my boyfriend!
(spoken)
I'll never forget the first time I met Victor. It vas
on the village green,
at the annual bock beer festival, where every beer cost
a bock.
I vas an innocent young lamb and he was a dirty old
goat.
Ve vere made for each other.
All of a sudden, he took out his paraphernalia and
shouted,
"Let's play croquet!", and off to the field ve vent.
He carried his hoops and mallets and I carried his
balls.
What a festival! Fun and games all day long. Archery,
badminton, potato sack.
Victor won the three-legged race...all by himself. It
vas love at first sight.
(sung)
He vas the one I gave my heart to,
but ve never wed even so,
If I mentioned wedlock,
he'd put me in a headlock!
Vhen I asked to be his wife,
he stabbed me with a kitchen knife,
Ach, where did the good times go?
If he had an angry fit,
I vas the first thing that he'd hit,
but I didn't give a shit...

[Kemp]
Do you have any last words before we string you up, Dr.
Fronkensteen?
[Frederick]
Just this...
Though my time on earth is done,
Though I face this angry crowd
Though I'm hated and despised
Of one thing I can say I'm proud
This is truly mine
I'm a man who has no shame
I'm shouting out my family name

Monster:
Frederick, I Realize it's a rather shabby thing for a
chap to do to his creator, but I'm afraid that I´ve
fallen madly in love with your fiancé.
Elizabeth:
And I with him!
Monster:
DEEP LOVE, AT LAST SHE FOUND DEEP LOVE,
BEEN SEARCHING FOR DEEP LOVE
FOR ALL OF HER LIFE!
HARD LOVE, A DIAMOND-LIKE HARD LOVE,
YOU CAUGHT ME OFF-GUARD LOVE,
WILL YOU BE MY WIFE?
Elizabeth:
Yes!
Monster & Villagers:
DEEP LOVE, AT LAST WE'VE (THEY'VE)
FOUND DEEP LOVE
NOW WE (THEY) WILL KEEP LOVE FOREVER INSIDE.
Hermit:
SOMEONE, SEND ME SOMEONE
I NEED SOMEONE WHO WILL CARE
Frau Blucher:
Excuse me, I have to leave.
I got a blind date.
Igor:
Doctor, Creature, Everyone,
It's a miracle! It's gone! My hump! It's gone!
Wait...Nope, it's in the middle.
Villagers:
Awe! oh!
Dracula:
Good Evening. I am thinking of relocating to
the Transilvania area. Perhaps to purchase a castle.
Like that one there on the hill.
Frederick:
I´m sorry sir, but that castle is not for sale.
It's belongs to me and I'll be linving in it
from now on because...
I'M GOING TO JOIN THE FAM'LY BUS'NESS,
LEARN THE FAM'LY TRADE,
MAKE ANOTHER MONSTER
Monster:
Growl!
Frederick:
MAKE THE WORLD AFRAID!
WE CAN TAKE A HAYRIDE
WHEN WE'RE ON OUR HONEYMOON....
Inga:
Honeymoon?
Frederick:
WE'LL MAKE THE SON OF FRANKENSTEIN
THE SEQUEL'S COMING SOON!
Inga:
Darling, if you gave the monster your
brilliant mind, what did he give you in return?
Woof!
All:
WELCOME TO TRANSYLVANIA
WHERE BLESSINGS FALL FROM UP ABOVE
WHERE EVEN MONSTERS FALL IN LOVE
THE MOON WILL ALWAYS SHINE

[Elizabeth]
(spoken) Penny for your thoughts.
You know, until now my life has been nothing but a
meaningless world of silly parties.
But I always sensed that something was missing. Love.
And I'm not talkin about puppy love either. A one night
stand love or
cheap love. No, what I'm talkin about is-oh, what's the
word I'm looking for-ah, yes.
(sung) Deep love. At last I've found deep love.
Been searching for deep love, for all of my life. Long
love. Incredibley long
love. A constant and strong love, that rids me of
strife. Firm love.
A gentle, but firm love. An unyeilding firm love, for
this my heart cries.
Deep love. At last I've found deep love. Now I will
keep love forever inside.
[Monster]
aaarrrggghhh!
[Elizabeth]
(giggles) Again? Oh, you're incouragable, aren't you,
you ol' zipper neck.
Hmmm, well alright. Seven always has been my lucky
number.
Come here you great big hot monster!
[Monster]
AAARRRGGGHHH!!!
[Elizabeth]
(laughs)
Wh--what? What is it, what is the matter, is it--is it
that music? Oh, forget it.
That's just some poor lonely fool blowin his french
horn.
(monster groans)
Wh--where are you going? You're walking out on me? Me?!
Oh, you men are all alike.
Five or six quick ones and you're off with the boys to
boast and brag.
WELL YOU BETTER KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!!!
Oh, I think I love him.
(sung) Deep love. At last I found deep love.
Now I will keep love deeper and deeper and deeper and
deeper and deeper and

MAX:
The time has come
To be a lover from the Argentine
To slick my hair down with Brilliantine
And gargle heavily with Listerine
Wow!
It's time for Max
To put his backers on their backs
And thrill them with amazing acts
Those aging nymphomaniacs...
Ah-ah-ah
Ah-ah-ah!
They were helpless
They were hopeless
Then along came Bialy!
They were joyless
They were boyless
Then along came Bialy!
They're my angels
I'm their devil
And I keep those embers aglow
When I woos 'em
I can't lose 'em
'Cause I cast my spell 'n'
They start yellin'
Fire down below!
They were listing
They were sinking
Then along came Bialy!
They were desp'rate
They were drinking
Then along came Bialy!
So romantic
They were frantic
Then their prayers were heard up above!
Heaven sent them
Their Bialy!
I'm the celebration of love!
LITTLE OLD LADIES:
We were helpless
We were hopeless
Then along came Bialy!
HOLD ME - TOUCH ME:
Life had passed us by
And love had stolen away
LICK ME - BITE ME:
At the end of our rope
We'd given up hope
Of one last roll in the hay
KISS ME - FEEL ME:
Discarded dolls
Abandoned wrecks
ALL 3 LITTLE OLD LADIES:
Condemned to a life
Of sitting and knitting
When all we really wanted was ... sex!
MAX:
Ah, did you bring the checkee, my little turtledove?
HOLD ME - TOUCH ME:
Yes, but first, Bialy, can we please play one dirty
little game?
MAX:
Here in broad daylight?
HOLD ME - TOUCH ME:
It'll just be a quickie.
MAX:
Okay, what, what?
HOLD ME - TOUCH ME:
Let's play the Distracted Tourist and the Ever-Watchful
Orangutan.
MAX:
Oy, are you trying to kill me? Please, I'm exhausted.
Let's play one game with absolutely no sex.
HOLD ME - TOUCH ME:
What?
MAX:
How 'bout the Jewish Princess and Her Husband.
LITTLE OLD LADIES:
So romantic
We were frantic
Then our prayers were heard up above
Heaven sent us
Our Bialy!
He's the celebration of love!
MAX:
Fire down below!
LITTLE OLD LADIES:
We were listing
We were sinking
Then along came Bialy!
We were desp'rate
We were drinking
Then along came Bialy!
So romantic
We were frantic
Then our prayers were heard up above!
It's Bialy!
Hail, Bialy!
He's the culmination
The restoration
The consummation
The titillation
Ejaculation
He's the celebration of love...
MAX:
Bloom...Bloom!
LEO:
What, Max, what?
MAX:
I've done it! I've done it! Look, we got all the money.
Now all we have to do it put on the biggest flop in
history!
LEO:
That's great!
MAX & LEO:
We can do it, we can do it
We can make a million bucks!
ULLA:
Bialystock and Bloom, Bialystock and Bloom!
The show's a go!
ROGER & CARMEN:
He's raised the money, we're on our way
Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay
We have our backing, oh, what a day
Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay
Wonder of wonders, we have all our cash
Barring all blunders, we should have a smash!
We know that...we can do it!
ROGER, CARMEN & THE TEAM:
Gay, gay, gay, gay...
Gay, gay, gay, gay...
Gay, gay, gay, gay
MAX & LEO:
We can do it! We can do it!
We can do it
We can make a million bucks!
Ev'rything we've ever wanted
Is set to come our way
We know that...we can do it!
We can make it, we won't fake it
We were fated to be mated...
ULLA:
Bialystock and Bloom...
Bialystock and Bloom...
Bialystock and Bloom!
And Bloom!
Bialystock and Bloom!
And Bloom!
Bialystock and Bloom...
FRANZ:
Deutschland, Deutschland, uber alles
Alles in der welt!
Deutschland, Deutschland, uber alles
Alles in der welt!
LITTLE OLD LADIES:
Then along came Bialy!
We were desp'rate
We were drinking
Then along came Bialy!
Bialy was romantic
Our pulse became so frantic
It's Bialy!
Hail Bialy!
ULLA & FRANZ:
Bialystock and Bloom...
ULLA, FRANZ, ROGER, CARMEN & THE TEAM:
Bialystock and Bloom...
MAX, LEO, ULLA, FRANZ, ROGER, CARMEN & THE TEAM:
Bialystock and Bloom!!
MAX & LEO:
We can do it...
ALL EXCEPT MAX & LEO:
They can do it...
ALL:
Say goodbye to woe and gloom
MAX & LEO:
We can do it...
ALL EXCEPT MAX & LEO:
Nothing to it...
ALL:
Can't you hear that bing-bang-boom!!
ALL EXCEPT MAX & LEO:
With their brilliance
Their resilience
Up together they will zoom!
MAX & LEO:
We can't miss!
ALL EXCEPT MAX & LEO:
They were fated to be mated

[Elizabeth]
Oh Freddie. Freddie, I miss you so much. Life is
absolute—(to waiter) Dry martini James, and I mean dry—
(to Frederick) hell
without you. I’m so…so…so…
(sung)
Alone
On my French ivory phone
Adrift in a sea of anwe
Just twenty-two servants and me
(to waiter) Not dry enough.
(sung)
Alone
Here I am on my own
Champagne and foi groi
Just twenty-two garson and moi
(to waiter) Not dry enough.
(sung)
I’m so lost without you
Life doesn’t seem right
Although it’s petris they’re pouring
I find it all boring
I need you to get through the night
(to waiter) Too dry.
(sung)
Alone
I’m so freaking alone
Dancing ‘till half-past three
Just twenty-two playboys and me
Keep your gala premieres
They bore me to tears
I always feel blue
At a fancy to-do
Who needs elation
Delightful sensation
I don’t want fun
I want you
But I’m flying solo
‘Cause I’m so oh-so alone
Alone

LEO:
Your honour...when I was in Rio, and had everything I'd
ever dreamed of
I suddenly realized that ... this man... this man...
No one every made me feel like someone
'Til him
Life was really nothing but a glum one
'Til him
My existence bordered on the tragic
Always timid, never took a chance
Then I felt his magic
And my heart began to dance
I was always frightened, fraught with worry...
'Til him
I was going nowhere in a hurry
'Til him
He filled up my empty life
Filled it to the brim
There could never ever be
Another one...like him
MAX:
Leo, I ... I never realized ... you're a good singer.
LEO:
Thank you, Max. I sang it for you. I sang it because
I'm your friend.
MAX:
You are? Gee, I've had a lot of relationships, but you
couldn't call any
of them friend. But come to think of it.
No one ever ever really knew me
'Til him
Everyone was always out to screw me
'Til him
Never met I man I ever trusted
Always dealt with shysters in the past
Now I'm well adjusted
'Cause I've got a friend at last
LITTLE OLD LADIES:
Aaaaaaaahh!
MAX:
Don't help me.
Always playing singles, never doubles
'Til him
Never had a pal to share my troubles
'Til him
LEO:
He filled up my empty life
LEO & MAX:
Filled it to the brim
LEO:
There could never ever be

Famous quotes by Mel Brooks:

"If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets."

"If you're quiet, you're not living. You've got to be noisy and colorful and lively."

"If presidents can't do it to their wives, they do it to their country"

"As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes."

"Every human being has hundreds of separate people living under his skin. The talent of a writer is his ability to give them their separate names, identities, personalities and have them relate to other characters living with him."

"Humor is just another defense against the universe."

"I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit."

"Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said"

"Look, I really don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive, you got to flap your arms and legs, you got to jump around a lot, you got to make a lot of noise, because life is the very opposite of death. And therefore, as I see it, if you're quiet, you're not living. You've got to be noisy, or at least your thoughts should be noisy and colorful and lively."

"Hope for the best, expect the worst./ Life is a play. We're unrehearsed."

"Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said."

"But I have bad taste with a deep fount of intellectuality."

"Anybody can direct, but there are only eleven good writers."

"Dom DeLuise was a big man in every way. He was big in size and created big laughter and joy."

"Oh, I'm not a true genius. I'm a near genius. I would say I'm a short genius. I'd rather be tall and normal than a short genius."

"If you stand on a soapbox and trade rhetoric with a dictator you never win."

"If Shaw and Einstein couldn't beat death, what chance have I got? Practically none."

"I'll accept bad taste in a minute, as long as there's some great comedy minds and performances."

"A cinema villain essentially needs a moustache so he can twiddle with it gleefully as he cooks up his next nasty plan."

"We want to get people laughing; we don't want to offend anybody."