Carry On... Up the Khyber (1968)

Actors: Joan Sims (actress), Patrick Allen (actor), Larry Taylor (actor), Terry Scott (actor), Johnny Briggs (actor), Peter Rogers (producer), Kenneth Williams (actor), Peter Butterworth (actor), Bernard Bresslaw (actor), Charles Hawtrey (actor), Julian Holloway (actor), Sid James (actor), Harry Fielder (actor), Gerald Thomas (director), Eric Rogers (composer),

Plot: Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond looks after the British outpost near the Khybar pass. Protected by the kilted Third Foot and Mouth regiment, you would think they were safe. But the Khazi of Kalabar has other ideas. He wants all the British dead! But his troops fear the "skirted-devils"; they are rumoured not to wear anything underneath. Then one is caught with his pants on...

Keywords: 1890s, 19th-century, actor-shares-first-name-with-character, british-empire, british-india, british-raj, carry-on, colonialism, harem, historical-fiction
Genres: Adventure, Comedy,
Taglines: Gales of laughter as the wind blows up the Khyber and the kilts of the 'Carry On' army! [Australia theatrical] YOU'RE DRAFTED . . . to enjoy the laughs in the Latest and Funniest "Carry On" Comedy You could get "kilt" laughing! Enlist in the Carry On Army and see the world - of Laughter!

Quotes:

[the British outpost at the Khyber Pass has been attacked]::Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond: Oh! How awful! What can have happened ?::Captain Keene: I don't like making guesses, but I wouldn't be surprised if there hadn't been a spot of foul play here.::Missionary: Foul play? Look at them! Lying around like a lot of unwanted cocktail snacks!::Private Jimmy Widdle: Ginger!::Missionary: Who is?::Private Jimmy Widdle: He is. Ginger, my mate.::Sergeant-Major MacNutt: Private Hale ?::Private Jimmy Widdle: Yes, Ginger Hale. Hello, Ginge. It's me, Jimmy. Your old mate, Jimmy Widdle.::Private Ginger Hale: Jimmy? Is it you? My old mate?::Private Jimmy Widdle: Ginge, mate! How do you feel?::Private Ginger Hale: Oh, not so good. I think I've been wounded.::Private Jimmy Widdle: Only here and there.::Private Ginger Hale: Jimmy, I can trust you. Now, give it to me straight. Am I going to be all right?::Private Jimmy Widdle: Of course not, Ginge mate.::Private Ginger Hale: Eh?::Private Jimmy Widdle: I said, "Of course not, Ginge mate."::Private Ginger Hale: I'm not going to be all right?::Private Jimmy Widdle: Well, how could you be, with half a dozen dirty great holes in you? You've had it.::Private Ginger Hale: You're a bleeding fine mate, I must say.::Private Jimmy Widdle: What do you mean? You asked me to give it to you straight.::Private Ginger Hale: Yeah, but I didn't mean you to. You horrible little runt, you!::Sergeant-Major MacNutt: That's enough! Widdle, you're a great little comfort to a dying man, aren't you? Now listen, Hale, it's Sergeant-Major MacNutt. What happened, lad?::Private Ginger Hale: They attacked about a half-hour ago, Sir. Hundreds of them. [He belches] Burpas! They... they... oooh!::[Hale faints. Sergeant-Major MacNutt shakes his head sadly]::Private Jimmy Widdle: Oh, no! Ginge! Ginge, mate! I'm sorry, I... Poor old mate!::[Widdle gently covers Hale's body with a greatcoat. Hale throws it off]::Private Ginger Hale: That's right! Bleeding well suffocate me!

The Khasi of Kalabar: [unimpressed by the Fakir's performance] Bring on the dancing girls. Get rid of this idiot!::Bungdit Din: Fakir! Off!

The Khasi of Kalabar: May the benevolence of the god Shivoo bring blessings on your house.::Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: And on yours.::The Khasi of Kalabar: And may his wisdom bring success in all your undertakings.::Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: And in yours.::The Khasi of Kalabar: And may his radiance light up your life.::Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: And up yours.

Captain Keene: Fire at will!::Brother Belcher: Poor old Will, why do they always fire at him?

[Sergeant-Major MacNutt has knocked Captain Keene to the floor with the spear lodged in his back]::Captain Keene: Sergeant-Major, report to the surgeon and get that thing taken out!

Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond: [watching polo game] Ooh, I say! He did not 'alf crack that one, did he not?::Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: Dearest, if you can't express yourself in more elegant terms, kindly shut your cakehole

The Khasi of Kalabar: [Lady Ruff Diamond has the photograph] I must take that with me now::Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond: Then take me with it::The Khasi of Kalabar: But what about your husband?::Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond: Oh, we don't want him!::The Khasi of Kalabar: Will he not be displeased that you come away with me?::Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond: Oh, of course::[tearful]::Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond: My poor Sidney will be ever so upset!::The Khasi of Kalabar: Oh, do not worry unduly, before many days he and the others will all be dead::Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond: [happy] Oh well, that's alright then, innit!

[after a servant rings a gong, in the style of the famous Rank Organisation logo]::The Khasi of Kalabar: I do wish you wouldn't keep doing that. Rank stupidity!

Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: [Watching a game of Polo in India, 1895] Good shot! Well done, Phillip! He'll do well that boy, if he marries well...

Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond: [brushing off a collapsed ceiling] Oh dear! I seem to have got a little plastered!