We were excited to learn that this is a thing that exists in the world: An online dating site called “The Atlasphere,” which is dedicated to “connecting admirers of The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged.” Admirers, because a great thinker does not have mere “fans.” So of course, we registered and got ourselves a clever username (“Galt Trip”) and went looking for the wackiest, most completely out-there profiles we could find, and boy, were we ever surprised to find out that…Objectivists trying to attract a romantic partner are INCREDIBLY BORING. READ MORE »
LOOKING FOR MR FOUNTAIN HEAD 6:21 pm January 14, 2013
Ayn Rand Dating Site Marginally Less Horrifying Than ‘Ayn Rand Dating Site’ Might Imply
GRANT US THE SERENITY TO READ THIS FUCKING THING 5:13 pm January 14, 2013
The Fix: Is John Boehner Hitting The Bottle?
The Fix, as reposted by Salon, had a simple question: Is John Boehner hitting the bottle? But nobody could discover the answer, because the story was one million three hundred seventy-four thousand two hundred twenty five point four words long, all like
Five days before Christmas, House Speaker John Boehner stood before the Republican-controlled Congress—his Plan B alternative for avoiding the fiscal cliff defeated by lack of votes from his own party, a public humiliation and repudiation of the Speaker’s authority, rare in House history. Choking back tears, Boehner faced his colleagues and surrendered himself to a Higher Authority: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference,” Boehner intoned.
and
No one with any credibility has come out and said that Boehner is an alcoholic. The Fix contacted a large number of politicians, former colleagues and opponents for input, including former Speaker Dennis Hastert, outspoken freshman Republican Representatives Steve Sutherland of Florida and Patrick McHenry of North Carolina, even well-known Republican pollster and message strategist Frank Luntz, but none wanted to speak on the subject. But all these jokes and allusions are dancing around the topic. And there are plenty of people who admire Boehner for having the courage of his transgressions. Unlike President Obama, who never wanted to be photographed smoking before he finally quit in August, Boehner has smoked and sipped his wine in public. He also doesn’t hide his crying, which in other realms of public and private life is reason for enlightened praise. Feminists have come to his defense, asking why the double standard over crying?
and on and on FOR EVER. So we will answer it for them. Is John Boehner hitting the bottle? READ MORE »
POPPED ZITS 4:05 pm January 14, 2013
[Delta] House Teabaggers Plan Gingrich-Worthy Stupid And Futile Gesture
A guest post from your comrade Fakakta South.
Remember when you were a kid playing a board game, maybe Checkers or “Life” if you were kinda dumb, or chess maybe if you were a nerd, and there was that one kid who, if he got way behind and saw he couldn’t win, would throw a tantrum and just toss the board up in the air and scatter all the pieces and say “this game is stupid anyway”?
Hopefully that kid is now in prison after the police finally found out where all those missing hookers wound up, tossed up into his crawlspace.
But sadly, not all of our budding sociopathics wind up as serial killers or senators’ sons harassing waitresses on airplanes. Some of them become tea-bagging members of Congress and now, because of them, the historically terrible House Speaker John Boehner has to meet with his “leadership team” today. It has, by unchallenged House Speaker electoring, fallen to the Great Drunken Crying Orange to figure out how to deal with these people, and with mastermind precision, the man who was much more adept at delivering checks to his friends on the house floor, must somehow appear understanding of how good defaulting on already incurred debt would feel, while simultaneously explaining just how wretchedly, apocalyptically bad actual default would be. So! What to do in tragicomically serious times like these? Of course – shut it down like a fake rape pregnancy. READ MORE »
THE LIFE OF A REPUBLICAN IS ALWAYS INTENSE 3:12 pm January 14, 2013
Obama Says GOP Wants To Go Get Sushi, Not Pay
President Barack Obama took to the podium in the White House press room to explain that it is not a good idea to shut down the government just because the president has only cut $2 trillion in spending (so far). This seems fair enough, if you are a communist. But the press corps was all “Whycome Nobumer won’t be nicer wif GOPs?” so Nobumer was all “I am a friendly guy! I like a good party! We can haz friends?” Poor lonely Bamz, wandering around the White House late at night, moaning “but what about our relaaaationship?” to which the correct answer is always “Relationship? Fuck that.”
What else did Eleanor Rigby say at her presser? READ MORE »
PANCAKES ALSO TOO 2:00 pm January 14, 2013
Attention Maryland Gays: Wonkette Will Marry You So Good (UPDATE)
Updated below.
We have a contest on our hands, people! There are no rules but the prize is getting married.
Since Maryland voters got all hopped up on equality and passed Question 6, Your Wonkette has decided to get in on the gay marriage game, because we Care About The Community and it sounds way fun. If you are a gay couple who wishes to get married and you need an officiant, Wonkette will provide you, free of charge, a genuine ordained reverend in the Universal Life Church. (It is so legal, he has been ordained for five years now, and he is me.) READ MORE »
THAT'S NOT RACIAL TRANSCENDENCE 1:20 pm January 14, 2013
Known Black Person Colin Powell Simply Does Not Care For Sarah Palin Being A Balls-Out Racist
Hey, Colin Powell, you are a black Republican. What do you think of people in your party who are constantly not being racist with their watermelon emails and their funny nose-bone witch-doctor shirts? Oh, you are against it? Perhaps you would like to CALL SOME PEOPLE OUT, BY THEIR NAMES, STARTING WITH SARAH PALIN? Please proceed!
“There is also a dark vein of intolerance in some parts of the party,” [Powell] continued. “They still sort of look down on minorities. How can I evidence that? When I see [Palin] saying that the president is ‘shucking and jiving,’ that’s a racial-era slave term. When I see [Sununu] after the president’s first debate, where he didn’t do very well, says that the president was ‘lazy’ — he didn’t say he was slow, he was tired, he didn’t do well — he said he was lazy. Now, it may not mean anything to most Americans, but to those of use who are African Americans, the second word is ‘shiftless’ and there’s a third word that goes along with it.”
OH BOO HOO. Talk about old news. READ MORE »
LIKE A TRACY/HEPBURN MOVIE COME TO LIFE 12:40 pm January 14, 2013
Mark Sanford To Admit Affair With 2014 Election
Remember Mark Sanford? He ran off with a lady friend while Governor of South Carolina and thereby graciously gave the world the phrase “hiking the Appalachian trail” as a euphemism for illicit sexytime. (If you are a person of a younger persuasion and do not remember this, just think of him like Anthony Weiner, but without Twitter.) After some Boehner-level public crying about the whole thing, he resigned and we forgot all about him and figured his career was over and he was off having exotic sex with his Argentinian lady-person. But, like the proverbial bad penny, he’s back:
ASSAULT N PEPA 11:42 am January 14, 2013
Oh Whoops, Add ‘Assaulted A Stewardess’ To Charges Against Rand Paul’s Drunky Underage Son (Updated!)
Hey ladies! When we reported on Rand Paul’s drunky underage son’s pre-11 a.m. bout of airplane awesomeness, we somehow missed that he was also charged with assaulting a stew! Whoops! READ MORE »
CHICKEN HAWKS 11:40 am January 14, 2013
Let These Chickenhawks Explain You Why Chuck Hagel/Military Service Are Irrelevant In Post-9/11 World
Are you sick of hearing about Chuck Hagel? We are sick of hearing about Chuck Hagel too, but there are so many pearls of wisdom and hidden insights in this New York Times article about him that we cannot resist sharing it with you. For example: did you know that being a war hero does not give you any credibility whatsoever, unless you happen to be speaking in favor of more war, in which case, please step up to the mike? Also, did you know that there is such a thing as “mainstream internationalism,” and that Bill Kristol is the perfect spokesperson for it?
WORST GALT EVER 10:50 am January 14, 2013
Go Galt In Detroit’s Centrally Planned Puerto Rico For Rich Jerks
Sitting in the middle of the Detroit River is Belle Isle, one of the nation’s finest urban public parks. It was designed by Frederick Law Olmsted of Central Park fame. Unfortunately, Belle Isle isn’t in the best condition right now because Detroit is super poor. There exists a perfectly reasonable plan to make Belle Isle a state park so Michigan taxpayers can fund maintenance of this beloved landmark in the state’s largest city, as they do for comparable parks across the state. Naturally, this will never happen because Detroit doesn’t end up like Detroit by accident. It takes a lot of incompetence and inaction.
So what are the other options for Belle Isle? How how about letting it secede from Michigan and become its own Puerto Rico-like commonwealth for entitled rich people who pretend they’ve read the “This Is John Galt Speaking” chapter of Atlas Shrugged.
As the broken city thinks big and radically about its future, a developer is stepping forward with a revolutionary idea: Sell the city’s Belle Isle park for $1 billion to private investors who will transform it into a free-market utopia.
The 982-acre island would then be developed into a U.S. commonwealth or city-state of 35,000 people with its own laws, customs and currency. READ MORE »
NEIN NEIN NEIN! 10:04 am January 14, 2013
Bobby Jindal Will Be Louisiana’s Reverse Robin Hood
You know what’s hard? Income taxes. How do we make them fair? Should there be refundable credits? Why do you get a credit for having a kid but not for, say, TOTALLY HOUSING a bottle of Johnny Black on your yacht? Progressive taxation “punishes success” by charging a higher rate to people who make more money, and a flat tax “punishes regular people” by taking the same percentage from everybody, even though low- and middle-income people spend a far larger percentage of their earnings to, like, stay alive.
But hero Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal, who presides over a wonderful, flourishing state with gaping radioactive sinkholes and taxpayer-funded fairy-tale schools, has the answer. It is so good and fair! READ MORE »
GUNS DONT KILL PEOPLE 9:37 am January 14, 2013
Gun Show At Cow Palace Draws Patriots Ready To Fight ‘Revolution’
Good news, Californians, because tens of thousands of people showed up at a Daly City gun show this weekend so they could prepare for the “revolution.” When is the revolution, what are we revolting against, and how will guns help us defend ourselves against, say, Apache helicopters, tanks, pepper spray, and LRAD cannons? Shut up, Commie, not important, and how dare you question these patriots who are here fighting for your Freedom to overthrow democratically elected officials?
READ MORE »
PACK YOUR BAGS 5:27 pm January 13, 2013
Glennbeckistan: Your Libertarian-Commune Paradise Awaits
Time to revisit the attention-whore time-suck that is Glenn Beck. Earlier this week, we had Glenn Beck explaining how his pathetic internet empire will now become some sort of global libertarian news powerhouse, complete with foreign bureaus. (Wingnut fightsies sidenote: Alex Jones went on HuffPost Live to claim that Glenn Beck stoled all his ideas and isn’t a real libertarian like Alex Jones nuh-uh. We can only hope they’ll fight to the death.)
That not-at-all earthshaking announcement apparently bought Beck only a couple days of the news cycle, because now he’s back again to tell us all about his new dream, his vision for the future, his awesome planned community that will be totally libertarian yet totally communal:
SENTIMENT IS FOR THE WEAK 1:16 pm January 13, 2013
A Children’s Treasury Of People Standing On Graves, Like That Awful Piers Morgan
Something startling happened a few days ago, guys… Zombie Breitbart editor Ben Shapiro said something… hyperbolic. On TELEVISION.
Breitbart.com editor-at-large Ben Shapiro last night accused CNN’s Piers Morgan of “standing on the graves of the children of Sandy Hook” to “bully” and “demonize” pro-gun advocates.
Aw, poor gun people, being bullied by the phone-hacker who pulled Larry King’s old chair out of a dumpster.
“You have been a bully on this issue… I watch your show, and I’ve seen it repeatedly, what you tend to do is you tend to demonize people who differ from you politically by standing on the graves of the children of Sandy Hook, saying they don’t seem to care enough about the dead kids,” Shapiro said.
How rude of Piers, fighting for a position after a horrible tragedy! If something happens and you are mad about it, trying to prevent it from happening again is Standing On Graves. SHAME, PIERS. Good thing Shapiro was around to defend the dead kid-graves, from people who would rather they be alive! READ MORE »
PART 20: MORE RED 'BATING 11:00 am January 13, 2013
Sundays With The Christianists: A ‘World History’ Textbook That’s Better Dead Than Read
Fasten your seatbelts, Time Tourists, because this week, our visit to the world as seen through a 10th-grade evangelical textbook, World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective, will continue our whirlwind tour through the MADcap world of the Cold War (Spoiler: Reagan wins it through deficit spending and yelling at a wall). READ MORE »
