I'm a feminine Eminem, a slim shady lady
but nice cause I texted Haiti
90 lady cops on the road and I'm arrested for doing 80.
like hamlet, all about "words, words, words"
divide a whole into thirds, thirds, thirds.
I'm a gay sea otter.
I blow other dudes out of the water.
I'm the man muffin, divin', muffin,
cold and fly like an arctic puffin,
puffin whacky tobaccy
hatin other rappers like I'm Helga Pataki
and I've been rockin this mic before electricity
way back in 1000 BCE - that's before the common era.
I can't be stopped, flow so sick that it should be mopped up
chick's got a dixie cup, I gotta dick full of helium, I'll fuck you up.
a boy, a girl, a middle aged bitch, botox in the third person.
I give the perspective a switch and Bo talks in the third person.
just relax, if you wanna know me, here's two facts
I hate catchy choruses and I'm a hypocrite.
hungry hungry hippocrite.
I hate catchy choruses and I'm a hypocrite.
met a girl named Macy had sex with her all day,
but she was dyslexic, so I ended up doin the YMCA
we ballin, asian, wii bowlin, prostate cancer semi-colon,
find that hole like I'm Stephen Hawking,
Atticus Finch, killing, mocking.
cry like a child would, you raped my childhood
just stroll in, roll in your pole into Rolie Polie Olie's colon.
to relax my mind I take a walk by the clock and i pass the time and
rhymin, mathematic timin, syntax impacts the intact hymen.
I'm an internet provider, came from the web like a horny spider,
fucked a girl in an apple orchard, then came in cider (inside her)
I thought AIDS was a butt virus like conjunction junction conjunctivitis
I spit gold bars cause I was molested by my uncle Midas
gay dads blow pops, another sucker,
Oedipus was the first motherfucker.
I hate catchy choruses and I'm a hypocrite.
hungry hungry hippocrite.
I hate catchy choruses and I'm a hypocrite.
we the people of the USA
Jose, we're not talkin to you, esse.
we got a border in order to keep you out,
it's what my NYU essay's about
cause we're, xenophobic warrior princess,
molested by my Uncle Sam, is that incest?
"I WANT YOU" to smell my finger
does my nephew's scent still linger?
south of queers, north of hell,
the queer ones suck and the brown one's smell
we guard the border and we guard it well
but some slip through the cracks of the liberty bell
did I say liberty? I meant taco, paco, hey you better let that rock go
cause in real life Goliath wins
and then sells all the silk that the widow spins.
I hate catchy choruses and I'm a hypocrite.
hungry hungry hippocrite.
I hate catchy choruses and I'm a hypocrite.
bitches and hoes, Bo's hoes, oh, bitches and hoes, bitches, hoes.
bitches and hoes don't exist because the hoes know Bo's a feminist,
bitches and hoes don't exist because the hoes know Bo's a feminist
so take off your bras and burn em or you can let me burn em
She was the perfect woman, in every single way,
She made the sun shine brighter, and all my cares go away.
She was the perfect woman, she was a gourmet chef,
They say that love is blind, well it's also deaf.
Cause Helen Keller was the perfect woman, and no one understands,
Just how talented she was with her hands.
God made her the perfect woman, I was the finishing touch.
She was the perfect woman cause she didn't talk so much.
She wanted to name the kids, so I finally let her,
It turned out horribly, chewabacca couldve done better... RAAAAAA
But a guess it was alright, we had a boy and a girl.
Just me and helen, uhhh-aaaa, and Earl!
Cuase helen keller was my miracle worker, I was her one-man-show,
I could walk around the house naked, and she wouldn't even know.
Helen Keller was my perfect woman, I was her only need
She didn't mind the zits on my ass, it gave her more to read
It gave her more to read...
She read poison ivy, she read acne, she read herpes, she read it all.
She read goosebumps, she read blisters, she even read a basketball.
Helen Keller was my perfect woman, but I don't think she cared.
I played this song for her, she just sat there and stared.
She was still my perfect woman, I was sort of a mess,
I'm 19 years old, I'm a young comedian
I hate that term, "young comedian", you know
I prefer "prodigy"
And people, they pigeonhole me as a comic
You know, which is so disingenuous 'cause I'm not a comic, I'm an artist
And I don't do comedy shows, I do one man shows
And I've been doing them, uh
1998 was actually my first one man show
It was a show about Jews in Nazi Germany called Under the Floor Boards
I'll do a scene from that, uh, right now
No no no
Watch and then judge
This is a scene from Under the Floor Boards
"Hey, shh"
And then '99
'99, I did a show called The Catholic Orgasm, I'll do a scene from that
(Moaning)
(Sobbing)
2000, I did a piece called The Inappropriate Musician, I'll do a scene from that
"Mike
Mike, back off the ledge, Mike, th-
Mike, think about your kids, do you want them to grow up without a father, is that what you want, Mike! Mi-
Please listen to me, I'm your friend
No, Mike, no!
(Slide whistle down)
(Slide whistle up)
"He's saved"
2001, I did John Steinbeck's The Grapes of Wrath
Except I adapted it into a story about an intergalactic sexuel predator called The Rapes of Grath
2002, I did a piece, if you're familiar with The Elephant Man
I did a piece based off that called Bulldog Man (Voice cracks when he says "man")
Oh, also known as Bulldog Man (Says "man" properly) for those who hit puperty
And I uh
I'll do a monologue from that right now
(Silence)
(Laughter)
For those listening on the CD, I kind of look like a bulldog
2003, 4? 3. Doesn't matter, I'm lying
2000-
2004, I did a piece called Sméagol, from Lord of the Rings, Having Sex with a Black Chick, I'll do that
(Moaning as Sméagol)
"Precious"
I actually got a Danza nomination for that, it was
Right after the Tony's
2000, uh, 5
2005, if I could get a blackout for this, I did a piece Charlie Brown Getting Molested, so if we could blackout right now
"Hello?
Is anybody here?"
(Unintelligible trombose noises a la Peanuts cartoon)
"What the fuck are you doing! Let go of me!"
(Unintelligible trombone noises)
"Good grief"
So, 2000, uh, bring the lights up
2007
2007, I did a piece called The Juggler's Wife, I'll do a scene from that
"Please
Stop JUGGLING!"
2008, I did a
Bit of controversial piece because I played a slave in the 1780's, but I didn't wear make-up
'Cause I feel as, you know, an artist I'm qualified to tell any story, and uh
It was a piece called Whiplashes and this was the climactic scene
It is hard, raw art, so if you're adverse to that, you might want to look away
But this is, um, the climatic scene from Whiplashes and I hope you enjoy it
"You'll have to answer to God for this"
(Whip crack)
... You're a dick"
Amd then, uh, 2000-
... 9, which is the last year before the piece I'm doing currently
I did a piece called, it's a very emotional piece, it means a lot to me so forgive me if I break down
But this is a, uh, a scene from it and the piece was called A Boy and His Dog
"Get out of here, alright?
Go, I can't afford to keep you anymore, I just
I can't, it's too
Please don't make this harder than it has to be, I
I hate you, is that what you need to hear from me?
Alright, I hate you
I hate you!
It's not just me
I feel like hip hop
Used to be a voice for the voiceless,
And now it's become, at least in the mainstream,
A symbol of misogyny, gay panic, fiscal irresponsibility.
So I figure,
If you can't beat 'em,
Join 'em.
Hittin' the club up VIP
I got a fake mustache and a fake ID.
I look like Wooly Willy
With a really wooly willy.
And I bypass the bouncer,
Pass by an ex and I flex and bounce her, wowser.
Look at all of Bo's hoes
Looking for a ride on Bo's hose.
And I spot a little Latino, booty so big call it Oprah's ego.
We go to it, through it, she says, "Dios mio mi amigo!"
Pull it out, stick it in your mouth, and I bust in the back of ya.
Swallow bitch, there's people starving in Africa!
Single every single day
Do it every single way
Make the single ladies say
Oooh Bo
And if I were gay,
Though I swear I'm straight,
I'd make them fellas say...
You're an ice cream sundae with a cherry on top,
But careful, cherry, 'cause I'm the King of Pop.
Pop pop pop goes my weasel,
Now ya looking like Jackson Pollock's easel.
My suggestion is:
You don't blow 'til you know what congestion is,
Swallow when you know what digestion is.
Follow Bo, the only question is:
Have you been splattered before
By the mad-hatter matador?
Cake-batter never more
It don't matter whether you're
Spanish, French, Swedish or Cambodian,
I'll slime you so hard you could be on Nickelodeon!
Single every single day
Do it every single way
Make the single ladies say
Oooh Bo
And if I were gay,
Though I swear I'm straight,
I'd make them fellas say
Oooh Bo
Oh Bo-o, ooh Bo, Bo
A-a-Oooh Bo, Oooh Bo, Oooh Bo
You think that you can handle me?
Girl, don't make me laugh.
I said my junk is bipolar
It will split you in half (yea).
And if you're lucky,
I might just bring you home,
And I'll have you going down
Like you're growin' an extra chromosome.
And when you love me,
Don't grab me by the buns
'Cause I got a bad case of the ruunnnns.
I got the runs
I got the ru-u-u-uuuns
Single every single day
Do it every single way
Make the single ladies say
Oooh Bo
And if I were gay,
Though I swear I'm straight,
I'd make them fellas say
Oooh Bo
I wanna break it down for ya'll
I came from the streets, with nothin'
Now I'm makin' hit records
For my people still livin' in the streets,
Still livin' in poverty, I wanna tell you
I'm doin' this for you.
My success is your success.
And I know you may be thinkin',
Hey, if you really believe that,
Why don't you use some of your money
To help rebuild the neighborhood
Instead of putting spinning rims on a gold jet ski?
And to that I say (uh, chorus is comin' out):
Single every single day
Do it every single way
Make the single ladies say
Oooh Bo
And if I were gay,
Though I swear I'm straight
I'd make them fellas say
Ugh Ugh!
You gotta fume like a tuna,
I'll smell ya later.
I met a fat chick
And fucked her in an elevator.
It was wrong on so many levels.
It was wrong on so many le-le-le-levels.
It was wrong on so many levels (ugh).
It was wrong on, it was wrong on, it was wrong on
Single every single day
Do it every single way
Make the single ladies say
Oooh Bo
And if I were gay,
Though I swear I'm straight,
I'd make them fellas say
Oooh
Single every single
Do it every single
Pop that single like a Pringle jingle
Oooh Bo
This song's almost completed
All this little ditty needed
Instrument that's double reeded:
The oboe
(Yea)
Oh, Bo
My show is a little bit silly and a little bit pretentious,
Like Shakespeare's willy,
or Noam Chomsky wearing a strap on.
It's also a little bit gay and a little bit offensive,
Like Thanksgiving Day,
or Noam Chomsky wearing a strap on.
So put your cell phones to vibrate,
and put your vibrators to cell phone mode.
Welcome to the show,
it goes a little bit like this joke... exactly.
Welcome to my flow,
it flows a little bit like this,
With a rap and a diss, and a
Swift rap on the wrist, a wrap and a kiss,
Like Hershey's wrapping a kiss shit.
I got a show that'll test ya kid,
I ask one question and the question is -
(CHORUS)
What's funny? What's funny? What's funny? Whats funny? (x3)
Oh yeah
Humor is often linked to shared experience,
Like a guy gets up an says,
"Have you noticed that public restrooms have really inefficient hand dryers?"
Oh my god, yes I have, HA-HA-HA,
Really good point, they should fix that,
It's good to know that somebody finally gets me,
because my wife divorced me which has constantly force me,
to lose all sense of self.
So its nice to think about hand dryers and not that cheating whore.
Because stand up comedy is actually pretty easy,
If your an Asian comic just get up and say,
"My mothers got the weirdest fucking accent."
Then just do, a Chinese accent, because everybody laughs at the Chinese accent,
Because they privately thought that your people were laughable,
And now you've given them the chance to express that in public,
If you're a musical comic, just give 'em a little weird voice inflection
Then take a Viagra and slap 'em with a rock hard misdirection
(CHORUS)
Tourettes!
(CHORUS CONTINUES)
When the audience says,
When I was a baby, maybe I laughed at people jiggling keys,
Now I'm older and bolder,
And just get mad cos I notice that the keys are to a hummer,
Fuck my life I don't fuck my wife,
so fuck my wife and fuck my life,
and my son is gay, but not sitcom gay,
Daughters a whore like another girl who used to be her mother,
But the marriage made her miss merry Americana,
I wanna a teen without screaming primadonna,
But the radical feminists made my wife a man.
If I die happy the situation will be auto-erotic asphyxiation,
I hate my life and it hates me back, and my friend is black,
But I don't know what to call him, so I just call him...
"What-up Jamal..."
Even though his name is Steve,
I hate my job I hate my life, I hate my kids I hate my wife,
Jews would know I do it; Judas beat me to it,
I'm slowly slipping into a solipsistic coma,
And I masturbate because I'm the only one who's standards are low enough to fuck me....
(CHORUS)
(pop) It's a boy!
(CHORUS CONTINUES)
Before Youtube I walked through life.
And now I frollic.
Youtube has been like a father to me,
Except Youtube's not an alcholic.
Before Youtube I was just a skinny white kid,
That thought he was funnier, & cooler
Than he actually was.
Now,
Not much has changed,
But I have a shitload of money.
Because Youtube is a place for people to share their ideas.
If by people you mean
13-year-old girls,
And by ideas you mean
How they love the Jonas Brothers.
I'm just kidding!
But let's be honest,
That's a hefty majority.
And if you don't believe me
You must be a noob!...
So, Welcome to Youtube!
You don't know what your missing,
A-just try searching a-women kissing.
It's Youtube. It's what this country's been needing.
A generation of kids who don't waste their time reading.
Am I the only one who thinks that Lisa Nova's hot,
And Chris Crocker's not?
He's hotter.
Most Famous youtubers are either asian or they're gay.
So there's an untapped youtube celebrity, and it's name is Geore Takai.
And if your favorite coat has got a doo-doo stain; I pray to god that that's chocolate rain.
And I find videos of babys laughing a bit intrusive.
Because Barrak Obama won the election because of Youtube.
Wait, did I say youtube?
I meant the black vote.
And I think that Youtube and FRED are SO COOL!
And What The Buck will be back in a jiffy lube...
So welcome to Youtube.
Yeah, I said welcome to Youtube.
Hey. Welcome to youtube.
I said listen and linger.
Charlie the unicorn bit my finger.
It's youtube.
The impact is evident.
Ms. Teen South Carolina just ran for vice president.
Upload a video.
You got nothin' to lose.
Except all of you friends.
And the approval of your parents.
Hi, my name is Mary and I'm 19 years old and I got drunk at a party and I think someone was videotaping it but I don't want anyone to see it 'cause I showed half of my boob.
Sorry Mary!
Welcome to Youtube.
Say hello to youtube.
Say goodbye to your college scholarship.
Yeah, and it'll keep on going and it'll never stop.
We got a little serious there.
I think "fisting" should be called "upper-cunting",
And we're back.
Do you guys like impressions?
(Yeah.)
"Why?" That was Socrates.
Older traditional stand-up comics sometimes have problems with me
Because they think I use music and other stuff
And they think I'm a gimmick, I'm a hack, you know, I'm a gimmick comic
And they're such comedy purists, they don't think my comedy can stand on it's own.
But the truth is, I'm a comedy purist, too.
So I can do comedy without gimmicks.
I'll show you that right now.
What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye-patch?
Names!
For those listening on the CD, I just gave birth to a dove.
I love traditional stand-up comedy, don't get me wrong.
I love it. I'm a huge fan of traditional stand-up comics.
A lot of them are my heroes.
And I want to be a traditional stand-up comic
And I've been working on some traditional stand-up material and
It's in it's infancy so, please, bare with me, go easy
But this is a bit of my traditional stand-up.
My wife, right.
We never have sex. Like, ever. Which is really funny.
Something else, I never know what she's saying.
She'll say something and I'll be like, "pft."
You know, she's constantly emasculating me
And I'm making her resent herself for getting older,
So we're looking into a divorce.
And, you know, something else that's really funny:
She can't drive. The only thing she can drive is
Sluts, sluts, I fuck sluts.
Sluts get fucked when I fuck sluts.
No if and's, and or but's. I fuck sluts.
I fuck sluts. Nice girls are nice but no good for nut-suckin,
You'll need a serene night to green-light a butt fucking,
But that'll be easy with sleazy old slut fucking.
Boo to the nice girls! Praise bae to slut fucking.
I have a list. A list? Yes a list of all the sluts I've missed.
I've never fucked or sucked these sluts and thus my nuts are fucking
pissed.
So when I fuck the lucky slut my nut removes her from the list.
Another dumb cum-bucket struck from my nut sucking,
Suck it slut, sluck it fuck bucket-list...
Sluts can be white, black, brown, pink, or almond.
They can be skinny with big tits or skinny with small ones.
Sluts can be perky, preppy or posh with their brains and their clothes all
shrunk from the wash.
But other girls are pretty and funny and smart.
And they lift all your thoughts from your dick to your heart.
They can talk about science, music, or art.
They can put you together or they can pull you apart.
But don't trust these women, don't, don't you dare.
They'll force you to trust them and love them and care.
And then you'll be gone and then you'll be aware of that hole in your heart
I love your hair, I love your name, I love the way you say it.
I love your heart and you're so smart 'cause you gave away it.
I love your sis, I love your dad, I love your mom.
But, more than all of that I love the fact that you are dumb enough
to not realize everything I've said has been said before,
In a thousand ways, in a thousand songs, sung with the same four
cords.
But you'll still love it, (quitely and murmuring) and let me finger you.
Oh boy, girl, I'm your only boy,
Oh girl, boy, you're my only girl,
I'm just-a one boy,
You're just-a one girl,
(quitely)And that makes two of us.
America says we love a chorus,
But don't make it complicated and bore us,
The meaning might be missing,
We need to know the words after just one listen,
So repeat stuff, repeat stuff,repeat stuff (x8)
I love my baby, and you know I couldn't live without her.
But now I need to make every girl think this song's about her.
Just to make sure that they spread it like the plague,
so I describe my dream girl as really, really vague.
Like, I love your hands because your fingerprints are like no other.
I love your eyes and their bluish, brownish, greenish color.
I love it when you smile, that you smile wide.
And I love the way your torso has an arm on either side.
And if you're my producer you might be thinking "oh no, sound the
alarms,
You're not appealing to little girls who don't have arms,"
But they can't use iTunes so fuck 'em!
Oh boy, girl, I'm your only boy,
Oh girl, boy, you're my only girl,
It's all about love, it's all about love, it's all about love
Well, hello everyone!
Welcome to the Rehab Center for fictional characters.
Umm, alright.
Lets get right to it
Who wants to start us off?
How about you Chris??
Chris Cringle-
Umm, alright.
Hey, I'm Chris Cringle.
I'm a sex addict.
Hey i'm Santa Clause, i'm the king of snow.
I hate my wife because she is a ho, ho, ho.
She used to please me every day, then she made it clear that santa's only supposed to come once a year.
Fuckin Bitch.
Now I buy whores, rock and roll, and I stuff their stockings with my north pole...
(end)
...Okay Chris, thank you!
Alright, who wants to go next?
Patrick...frowny face!
Get up here.
Patrick O'Riley-
Alright.
I'm Patrick O'Riley, i'm a leperchaun.
You all doin' good?
Yeah, i'm not doing so good.
I had a wonderful life, with a healthy household,
and beatiful wife, and a pot full of gold. Ha.
Then my wife spent my riches all by herself, and since women are bitches, blew a keebler elf.
Uh, now i drink all day and a part of me dies.
Cuz my wife is getting gang-banged by the Rice Krispie guys.
(end)
Tony the Tiger-
Hey I know them!
(end)
Oh, hey Tony.
Nice of you to show up.
Where were you last week?
Tony the Tiger-
I had some, uh...some stuff to take care of.
Hey, i'm Tony the tiger.
Fuck it.
I'll just sing it.
Every day I wake up, and I get to work late.
My boss says, 'hey, whats up?'
I say that i'm grrrrrrrrowing tired of this shit.
The kids they laugh, 'cause i'm a sensitive cat.
'Big pussy!'
I can't argue with that.
If another kid gives me frosted flakes,
I swear on my life...i'll eat his parents.
(end)
Okay Ton, thank you.
So thats everybody.
So lets just get down to it....
Oh, who are you?
Easter Bunny-
Yeah, hi, yeah, hi, Yeah, hi.
I'm the easter bunny, hey i'm back!
Used to be funny now i'm hooked on crack.
Heaps of heroine ain't no joke, marshmellow peeps covered in coke-coke-coke-coke-coke-coke-coke-coke.
COKE!
Drugs for life, that's my plan, but now I have no attention span...
(end)
Okay, i'm just going to go and get him, alright?
Play nice please. I'll be right back.
Chris Cringle-
Hey pat did you hear? All my elves got sick.
I think they got herpes from some Irish chick.
Patrick O'Riley-
Mother fucker...
What you laughin' Tony, huh?
Tony the Tiger-
'Cause it's funny!
Patrick O'Riley-
This is gettin rediculous.
Santa, Tony could you guys please stop?
Tony the Tiger-
Oh Snap!....crackle and pop.
haha, cuz they banged your wife.
Patrick O'Riley-
I'm getting out of here.
All the seats at the Sunday masses filled with the
masses mass of asses, classes pass as fast as molasses,
ceremonial reading glasses. Read a little bit of
Leviticus, all the kids are a little too little for
this, all the parents nod in agreement "i think i can
vaguely see what He meant." Its too early in the
morning, glory, to read another allegory story, the
father reads a little bit farther assuring the assured
that they need not bother when God, in verse 45, said
that slaves are OK to buy, He meant that people all from
the start each have "slaves" within their hearts. Things
that we have sold or bought , that are forced to pick
our moral cotton. God calls us to set these free, free
our hearts from slavery.......and then as God goes on to
explain the logistics of buying and selling
slaves.......uh...he......the bible's sorta
like............uhhh....there's like
typos....didn't.......in the back, i sit and i nod to
the beats that are bumping from my iPod, my God,
they're starting to pray, and over the music i can hear
them say "dear God, dear Lord, dear vague muscular man
with a beard of a sword, dear good all seeing being my
way or the highway, Yahweh the blue balls, anti
masturbater, the great all loving faggot hater, I'd like
to thank your holy might for making me both rich and
white, and though this is your day of rest i come to
you with one request, there's so much pain beyond this
steeple, wars and drugs and homeless people, sadness
where there should be joy, hate and rape and soulja
boy, a world in darkness needs your light so I'm sure
your schedule's pretty tight but my dog just had
surgery, if you could fix that first.......JESUS"
Deborah Messing's fingers in a holy place, hail mary full of
grace......Obama could you pass some hope to the Pope
I know a couple dudes who wanna elope, see the church said nope so the bros can't cope, the bros can grope but
the bros can't cope, theyve been in love and theyve been
addicted who said they shouldn't? benedict did.
cause in the holy land of the lord he's the holy
landlord and dicks are evicted.
cause you can be a benedict if you've been a dick under
benedict but
you can't have benedicts because there's only one pope
and only one dick
what? yeah, a dick on a pope is
just like a soap on a rope cause it's
pointless, unless in prison, throw up your bibles,
christ has risen.
hallelujah, now it's raining men,
because the gender ratio is 1 to 10.
winos at the Eucharist station, trans-gendered-
substantiation
jesus wasn't the messiah, get back i'm a heretic and
i'm on fire
it was oedipus, and those holy nights
the holy motherfucking christ.
i'm a blasphemah post-katrina cruising the marina. on a
crusade to cruise aids
and blast FEMA
you're too late, we're fucked we don't need ya.
in the name of the father, son and holy ghost
head, shoulders, knees and toes
turn up your nose, strike that pose.
So here's a song that takes something that's not so fun, math, and makes it offensive.
What's a pirate minus the ship? Just a creative homeless guy,
And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die
And what's domain, domain, range (xxy) a kid with too much in his pants
And two balls minus one, six titles at the Tour de France.
Split a decision with long division,
Take the circumference of your circumcision
Live like your data and when you're all "set"
Put it all together and whatever you get.
Is new math...
What's a bag of chips divided by five, that's a Nike worker's meal
And Santa clause multiplied by "I" well I guess that makes him real,
And the square root of the NBA is Africa in a box,
How do you trace a scatter plot? Give the pencil to Michael j fox.
Take the approximate moral proportion of the probable problem of a pro-life abortion
Live like your data, and when you're all "set"
Put it all together and whatever you get...
Is new math.
And if you made a factor tree of the factors that caused my girl to leave me you'd have a tree...
Full of Asian porn.
C-A-L-SEE-YOU-LATOR mathematical minds make industrial smog.
And what's the opposite of LN(X)[in other words a natural logarithm, duraflame the unnatural log.
Support the farmers with a pro-tractor,
Link Kennedy and Lincoln with a common factor
Live like your data, and when you're all "set"
Put it all together and whatever you get...
Yeah it's new, it's new, it's new, it's new,
It's new math.
Word problems
If there's a fat guy in a pastry shop with a twenty dollar bill and he's ready to buy,
In order to predict his volume change you need to know the value of pi
And there's a metal train that's a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her,
How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor,
And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a man chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees
And if Kim is half as old as bobby who is two years older then twelve year old tori,
For how many more 30 day months will their threesomes be considered statutory... rape
Because math can be sexy
Cause havin sex is like quadratic expansion if it can't be split then it's time to stop,
And havin sex is like doing fractions, it's improper for the larger one to be on top,
And havin sex is like math homework, I do it best when I'm alone in my bed.
And squarin numbers are just like women, if they're under thirteen just do them in your head...
I'm a faggot, I'm a retard, I got a girl's bag and a v-
card,
I got 3 friends and a whack ass ride,
You can judge by the cover but it's shitty on the
inside,
No girls wanna fuck me, trust me,
I don't give a fuck, don't adjust me,
Just please shut your face hole for just one second,
"Fuck you faggot, you're so fucking dumb"
Dumb? I'm the dumb one?
Calm down bo, just count to ten, um,
One, two, three, whore- I meant four shit,
Three, four, five, bitch- I meant six, shit,
I quit, I got no patience, you won, I face it
Your life peaks at graduation,
Well congratu-fucking-lations,
*Chorus:*
Nerds,
The faggots,
The spastic fat chicks who,
Sit in the back with no one to do their lab with,
The nerds,
The kid with acne,
And tons of proctive,
Packed inside his backpack,
I got your back, kid,
Do you know why, kid, I can rap so mean?
I was reading while you were fucking the prom queen,
Huddled up reading, no lacrosse team,
Huddle up, huddle up
What? You lost me,
Sorry girl did I inturrupt the,
Circle of jerks all circle jerking,
I need to savin, fuck, no,
Quote the raven, fuck poe,
Ah shit, I'm bitchin, listen
They don't know what they're missing, for instance,
I like poetry, I like instruments. Maybe we have
similar interests?
It's no fall balls, no balls fall,
Just sit and scawl on the stall walls,
3 pm I pause, *bell rings* that shit sounds like
applause,
*Chorus:* x2
Nerds,
The faggots,
The spastic fat chicks who,
Sit in the back with no one to do their lab with,
Nerds,
The kid with acne,
And tons of proctive,
Packed inside his backpack,
I got your back, kid
She stood in line and got cut,
Tried out, got cut,
Loved art, but the budget got cut,
Then she got numb but she only felt when she knelt and
*Chorus:*
Nerds,
The faggots,
The spastic fat chicks who,
Sit in the back with no one to do their lab with,
Nerds,
The kid with acne,
And tons of proctive,
Packed inside his backpack,
I got your back, kid
I know it's bad kid,
Every time I go to dinner
Seems like I'm getting a little bit thinner.
I'll sit down at the breakfast table.
I can talk, well they're not able.
When I look at them I find.
There's a single question on their mind.
I wish it could go back to the way it was
It's not easy now because...
My whole family thinks I'm gay,
I guess it's always been that way.
Maybe it's 'cause of the way that I walk
Makes them think I like... boys.
That I like boys.
The goddamn question just won't go away.
And I get asked every single day.
But the way they ask it is not a disguise,
Like, "How was your day? Do you like to kiss guys?"
This is the worst,
Baby this was my fear.
Now their opinions are crystal clear.
Because...
My whole family now is shocked.
I'm in the closet, and the door is locked.
Now my glory days are gone
I was John Elway, now I'm Elton John.
My whole family now suspects
Watching Spongebob had side-effects.
I'm not gay and that's what I said
If I'm gay hey, God, strike me dead (cough, cough,
cough).
That's weird.
Just 'cause I go to an all guys school
doesn't mean Justin Timberlake makes me drool.
When I go outside, what do I see?
That the clouds in the sky spell F-A-G.
Because...
I think that God might think I'm gay.
What does He know anyway?
My grandma gave me a present just last year,
And the card said, "Happy Birthday, Queer!"
Cause' My whole family thinks I'm fab.
There's a guy's butt hey, Bo, take a stab.
Why doesn't he get women?
There's no other way.
It's 'cause I'm lanky, not 'cause I'm gay, alright?
Not 'cause I'm gay.
Just 'cause I'm afraid of the snow.
Or my favorite color is the rainbow
I don't mean to yell, but I fear I must.
'Cause I'm losing the people that I thought I could
trust.
Because...
Even my boyfriend thinks I'm gay... Just kidding.
You all probably think I'm gay...
Man this song is counter-productive.
La la la la la la...
I'm not gay I Swear
Because...
My whole family thinks I'm gay.
What do they know anyway?
You gotta look right through the haze.
Easy-Bake Oven was just a phase.
My whole family thinks I'm queer.
That is all I ever hear.
But I've been as straight as a ramp,
If you don't count Bible camp.
Bible camp.
Men are like vows,
'cause they're easily broken
Women are like cows,
'cause they both have vaginas.
Men are like muzzles,
'cause they'll try to shut you up.
Women are like puzzles
because prior to 1920, neither had the right to vote.
Puzzles still don't.
A man is an eagle, yeah, a woman is a dove.
Women can fake orgasms, but men can fake love.
Men and women.
Women are like fingers and toes,
'cause they're easy to count on.
Men are like ravens and crows,
'cause they hate using condoms.
Women are like Yahtzees,
'cause I rarely get them.
Men are like Nazis,
'cause they both cause the holocaust.
It's true.
For every dollar that a man makes,
A woman makes 70 cents.
That doesn't makes sense, that's not fair.
The man's only left with 30.
Men and women.
Men and women,
it's black and white
with an area of gray for hermaphrodite.
Male strippers always look like they're applying lotion
and female strippers, when their dancing on the pole, just look like,
I love you like kings love queens
Like a gay geneticist loves designer genes (jeans)
I need you like New Orleans needs a drought
Like Hitler's father needed to learn to pull out
And I want you like a lawyer/mathematician wants some
kind of proof
And I want you like JFK wanted a car with a roof.
Because love is taking a dive, then getting really
comfortable and peeing in the pool
And love is real life porn minus all the stuff that
makes porn cool
And love is a homeless guy searching for treasure in
the middle of the rain and finding a bag of gold coins
and slowly finding out that they're all filled with
chocolate and even though he's heartbroken he can't
complain cause he was hungry in the first place
I love you like Dora loves Maps
Like the Popes toilet loves holy craps
I need you like a voyeur needs a branch
Like boys tossing salad needs a little bit of Never
Land Ranch
And I want you like all the gothic kids that look
exactly the same never want to conform
And I want you like Anne Frank wanted
nobody to read her fucking diary
Cause a diary's a collection of secret things that no
one is suppose to read
That's the whole point of a diary
Millions of people have breached this little girls
privacy after she was chased by nazis
Kick her while she's down
And if we met in 10,000bc I was your caveman, Youz my
cavelady
If we got hot we'd start rubbing
If we got hungry we'd go clubbing
There's wooly mammoths but i will protect us
You're making me devolve to a homo-erectus
And if we met in 1780
I was a white southern aristocratic plantation owner
And you were my dark-skinned servant lady...
slave
Whenever I could get away from the misses
I'll go to your shed and then I'll steal you kisses
But let's be serious I'd still work you full time as a
slave
Theres a difference between romantic language and a
complete disregard for socio-economic trends
And if we met in 1941
I was a nazi Youz a gypsy on the run
That's a little redundant
That...probably wouldnt've worked out.
Because love is your favorite food for every breakfast
lunch and dinner
And love is the holocaust except you don't die quick
and you don't get thinner
And love is being the owner of the company that makes
rape whistles
And even though you started the company with good
intentions trying to reduce the rate of rape
Now you don't want to reduce them at all cause if the
rape rate declines you'll see an equal decline in
whistle sales
Without rapists who's gonna buy your whistles?
Love is all about...
Here he is our little Bundle of joy
We did it honey it's a baby boy
We'll love him and raise him, till he finally leaves us
What should we name him?
How about Adolf
Little Adolf.
He's growing up, like little boys do
He's grown a mustache and he's only two
He's a pyrotechnic and he loves to play with knives
And our little buddy gives the weirdest high fives
Little Adolf
Little Adolf
Little Adolf
Little Adolf
He's a dictator tot
Dictator tot
He gets a little bit angry, but he's smart as hell
And who taught him how to speak German so well?
He doesn't like milk soda hurts his head
I tried to give him juice, this is what he said:
"I hate juice, OK?"
"Ok, Hitler please drink your juice, I'm tired, I want to go to bed."
"Just, you know what? Get the juice out of here, out of this house, out of this country now."
"Hitler get the j... what do you want me to do with?" "Put the juice in camps and seperate them."
"Seperate juice? Hitler what you want me to do?, Seperate them by flavor?, By like concentration?"
"Concentration ehh?"
Little Adolf
Grab a seat have something to eat
help yourself its alright
If you want a beer theyre over here
But we only have coors light
Try a chip with my homemade dip
the stuff is out of sight
Right before bed we'll shave your head
glad to see you dressed in white
Cause its a Klan KooKout
Klan KooKout
Klan KooKout
Klan KooKout
Heres my wife/sister
she brightens up my day
she went away and i missed her
cause my moms a lousy lay
dont hang with foreign fellows
itll only be your loss
Stay here and roast marshmallows,
by the burning cross
at the Klan Kookout
Klan Kookout
dans on lookout
at the Klan Kookout
and if youre black
dont wanna see your face
theyre like highschool track
its just a stupid race
we got a plan
kill all the jews
are you a mexican
cause you seem confused?
senor...que? que? que? (kkk)
its a klan kookout
klan kookout
mein kampf? man, check that book out
at the klan kookout
all men are created equal, man that shit gets me pissed
heres an idea for a sequel, someone loses schindler's list
i cook i clean, cause im the hooded host
and on halloween, i dress as a...slaveowner!
we hate hispanics
hence the 20 foot walls
and all you goddamn dirty catholics
can cath-o-lick my balls
ethnics give off wierd aromas
and i cant understand
why we need highschool diplomas
with the bible in hand!
at the klan kookout
klan kookout
klan kookout
My dog's stomach was very upset,
So I put him in the car and we went to the vet.
And on our way to the vet,
I killed a cat.
I said isn't that ironic?
I adopted a child from over seas,
to rescue him from child labor factories,
And on his very first birthday we went to Build-A-Bear Workshop.
I said isn't that I-R-O-N-I-C-I-N-O-R-I-R-O-N-I-C?
A water-park is burnt to the ground,
And a toe-truck has broken down.
I always use to cry when I laughed,
and then I was raped by a clown.
Isn't that ironic?
I was watching Al Gore on CNN,
He was talking, and talking, and talking,
and then,
Out of boredom, my pet polar bear shot himself.
I dated an animal rights activist,
and one day she got really pissed,
Because I was eating veal,
That was wrapped in pita (PETA) bread.
Isn't that I-R-O-N-I-C-I-N-O-R-I-R-O-N-I-C?
I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch,
And I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncle's pull-out couch.
If everyday you play the board-game Risk,
You probably never taken a risk in your life.
And Monopoly has far from the stranglehold on the board game market.
A little kid died from suffocation, when he choked a game piece from Operation.
And I can't grow a beard.
That one's not ironic, that one's just sad.
Bob Barker got all of my pets pregnant.
What's that?
My six song album entitled "Bo Fo Sho" is currently available on iTunes?
With three songs that have never been heard on the internet?
Uh, and if I try to pirate it for free I'll get aids?
I would have guessed scurvy.
Well, see you later ghost of Dr.Martin Luther King Jr.
Wanna hear a rap?
Now, I don't know if all boy scouts are gays,
but they could probably "tie the knot" in like fifty different ways...
I got a safe full o' cherries, cause I pop it and lock it.
A girl's like a fridge; once a week you should stock it.
And, girl, if your into a rimmin' it's only safe if your swimming,
And girl don't sit on the couch cause I treat my objects like women.
I spit fire like I just blew a demon.
My shit's so hot I leave your toilet bowl steamin'.
I'm gonna tarot like the cards of the gypsies.
You'll bleed for so long you'll get monthly ellipses.
If your pants are loose, I'll re-pleat ya.
You're a first time vegan, and it's nice to meat ya.
I'm bo yo.
I'm the greatest rappa eva
And I'll weather your weather whether you think I'm clever or not.
Think you're better, you're not.
Don't need a sweater; I'm hot.
I'm a real G, shawty, that can really find your g-spot
What the hell's a g-spot?
Go to a vagina orchard. Count 1, 2, 3.
Spin that plant around you got a third whirled cunt tree
That's right. Consider yourself warned.
I'm offensive and creative like handicapped porn.
You're playing with your breasts. Excuse me, can I try it ma'am?
You're pushin' them together like a titty Venn Diagram.
Look at that crack. Excuse me, can I buy a gram?
Right below your diaphram. Ass looks like your hidin' ham.
First base, were making out.
Second base, I'm getting faked out.
Third base, I'm getting take out.
And I'd try to take it home if I knew I'd take it out,
but I just don't know. I said I just don't care. I said
my flow's so cold I need a tampon from a polar bear.
And you can spell and smell my stink.
B.O. lingers and it makes you think.
Cause I'm bo yo.
And I'm the greatest rappa eva.
And I'll weather your weather whether you think I'm clever or not.
Think you're better you're not.
Don't need a sweater; I'm hot.
You got two eyes, only got one shot. yeahh.
Cause girls are like donuts when I be bustin' bo nuts,
I can make 'em cream-filled or give them a layer of glaze.
I'm like doug's friend, Skeeter, whenever I meet her.
Cause I skeet her so hard people call her Patty Mayonnaise.
YO, My girl is epileptic, cause she's the one I'm jerkin' with.
Come on, you asian child labor show me what your workin' with.
Ooh, large machinery?
Cause there's an inverse relationship between respect and sects.
I'm talking about religious sects like a morman sect that says you can't have sex with memebers of different sect, but you can't have sex with members of the same sex.
So, if the sect can't be different; the sex can't be same, the only sex left is some left hand shame.
And, girl, I left you cause you left the game, and if that don't feel right then you can write my name.
Cause I'm bo yo.
I'm the greatest rappa eva.
And I'll weather your weather whether you think you're better or not.
Think you're better you're not.
Don't need a sweater; I'm hot.
And if I can't think of another rhyme then I ought,
To think of one.
Yeah write this down, man.
Yo, yo
Look pass the skin and look to the lyrics.
I run miracle circles around you like spherical lyrics.
This isn't about ironic pigment.
If you're imagining this then I'm a chronic figment.
Yeah.
Feel it. Ready?
Man, my junk's so long that it hangs and swings, so at the nude baech people think I'm lookin' for lost rings
Play the skin flute; your big boy sings, and if you want to take it all wear African neck rings.
Come on.
Haters call me gay, but that ain't hatin',
Cause I'm not homophobic. My morals are straight, and
if I'm in the closet, then you are below me
takin the b-a-t out of basement, homey.
Yeah.
Yo, cause I'm bo yo.
I'm the greatest rappa eva.
And I'll weather your weather whether you think I'm clever or not.
Think you're better you're not.
Don't need a sweater; I'm hot.
I'm a real g that can really find your g-spot.
Yeah, yeah, yo, yooo.
I'm a real g, homey, that can really find your g-spot.
Oh my God, buy my e.p. on iTunes.
Right now, go right now,
While I stall.
Buy it right now.
High School party, senior year
Boys and girls are all sippin’ on beer
I like soda, where’s the soda
Am I the only fucking person here that likes soda
I see you from across the crowd
I said the party is bumpin’ and the music is loud
You’re really drunk and you’re looking sad
It’s like a date rape ad
Girl, then we start to dance and
Girl, baby this is romance
Girl, I’m starting to grow down below, shit, why did I
wear sweat pants
Girl, you’re bodies like what
conjunction junction, that’s a fine ass butt
I’m like a cashew in a lollipop, Just keeping suckin’
‘til you get to the nut
And I said
Let’s rob an Asian kitchen, or stroll down the block
Either way girl, we’re taking a walk(wok) You’re gonna love me the way my uncle did
Except you’re not gonna to go to court for doin’ it
Be a guillotine or my girl instead
Either way, I said you’re giving me head
I’m gonna love you the right way
Shawty with a body looking hotty when I say
Girl
When I say girl
We go into the bedroom, exchanging nervous laughter
Why’s it called dry humping if I always need a towel
after
You spread your naked legs and I see that wound that
never healed
Even though you’re yellin for me, I can tell your lips
are sealed
We’re both aware of my erection
You ask if I have protection
I say Well um no...I mean I tried to buy em once I was in
a convenient store my old baby sitter walked in I had
to hide them near the tic-tacs I was so embarrassed I
peed myself a little bit
Girl
Girl
Insert a euphemism
A sexy mental prism
Increase my pelvic rhythm
Fill you with my syllogism
I know your body and I know how to please ya
Don’t thank me, thank wikipedia
Guys don’t go down, well I am-
What the fuck is that, I should have brought my diagram
Ooh did you feel that, that was an educated guess
Ooh did you feel that, uh that one was a sneeze, my bad
High school party, senior year
We've had a hell of a ride
I said that it would take us to heaven,
Well, I motherfucking lied
Now I'm crankin' up this shit to eleven
('leven, 'leven, 'leven)
Photosynthetical, I want 'em botanical
And I'm kind of theoretical
Quantum mechanical
Alphabetical, a word puritanical
Not a hypothetical
I rule tyrannical
Tyrannical-saurus-rex
Fuck the system
Solar plexus
A lone star Texas, yeah,
Too smart to be sexist, hey
Slow it down; the shit's too quick
Fuck it. Stick with it
The kid is too sick to quit
Haters: suck my dick.
Handle the candle, lick the wick.
No, stop. Better than that.
C'mon, "mail" definition, there's a letter in that
Spell "male" then repeat the second letter in that
"AA" If you got a girl, let her in that.
I said I've got a green light, Jay Gatsby
You know leaking's just for maxi
Leak my tracks, they're tax-free
The way it should be if you ask me.
Take this music
Choose it, use it, fuse it,
Abuse it, lose it.
Some of you like it sweet,
But if it's just me, then B, let's ride the beat.
Fuck it, get a bucket
My stomach is gonna upchuck
Texas ranger, no walker, get up, Chuck
Pixar's dicks are slick 'cause they fucked up
What? I only fuck up stuck up suck ups
Say this shit is crap
Write me off 'cause I'm a white kid, tryin' to rap
Because I'm willing to quit, I'm just gettin' the kill
Keep killin' this shit, oh
We've had a hell of a ride
You thought we were ridin' to heaven
Well, I motherfucking lied
So crank that funky shit to eleven
We've had a hell of a ride
You thought we were ridin' to heaven, heaven
I motherfucking lied
So crank that funky shit to eleven, baby
Lyrical acrobat
This is the lyrical mathematician, the lyrical aftermath
Is it part due to the fact that rap's elastic addict acts dismissive?
Too smart to be dismissed
It's hard to miss the bist
Kids can't cut it but they try a wrist, shit
Got nothin' on me, I'm a nihilist
Come on, Bo, flow
Blow like the wind go
Flow like the wind blow
Blowin' out the window
Amnesia, I remember a window in Indonesia
Pleased to meet ya
I don't believe in Jesus
Please don't speed the cheese
It's, please, it's just what I believe
It's not Jesus. It's Jesus, right?
Not like it's Jeremiah Wright
Ugh, too tight, and it's makin' you fight
Like a knife in your wi-fi
Lord of the Rings, but I'm the Tolkien white guy
Too dense, federal minded
Ain't no brain, but she's single minded
Well, there's a rule among this song
But you're too dumb to find it, uh.
We've had a hell of a ride
You thought we were ridin' to heaven
Well, I motherfucking lied
So crank that funky shit to eleven
We've had a hell of a ride
You thought we were ridin' to heaven, heaven
I motherfucking lied
So crank that funky shit to eleven, baby
We had a hell of a ride
But I thought we were ridin' to heaven, heaven
You motherfucking lied
So crank that funky shit to eleven, 'leven
We had a hell of a ride
You thought we were ridin' to heaven, heaven
I motherfucking lied
So crank that funky shit to eleven, baby
We had a hell of a ride
You thought we were ridin' to heaven, heaven
I motherfucking lied
So crank that funky shit to eleven, 'leven
We had a hell of a ride
But I thought we were ridin' to heaven, heaven
You motherfucking lied
Well I'm the girl for every high school guy
Yeah I got everything
A little shirt and a skirt so high
Every month you can spot a cotton tampon string
I'll drop my books and then I'll bend and then I'll bend a little more
Everybody thinks Ashley's my best friend
Well that bitch is a whore
With a capital H-O-A-R
Ignorance is bliss
Who needs feminism
With an ass like this
And a capital H-O-A-R
You guys liking what you see
Cause if beauty's on the inside
You might as well go inside me
Well I'm the guy for that high school girl
Yeah partying is my life
In a few hours I'll be hitting the gym
And in a few years I'll be hittin' my wife
You know I like to hang loose
No way! So does my crotch
Well I hope you brought your man juice
Cause I bought scotch
With a Capital One No-Hassle card
Stolen from my dad
Dignity is overrated
Self respect's a fad
Well I'm like a game of baseball
Cause there's something you might catch
Well and if you put out
I'd say that we're a perfect
I'd say that we're a perfect
I guess that we're a perfect match
A perfect match
All the seats at the Sunday mass is
Filled with the masses mass of asses
Classes pass as fast as molasses
Ceremonial reading glasses
Read a little bit of Leviticus
All the kids are a little too little for this
All the parents nod in agreement
I think I can vaguely see what he meant
It's too early in the morning glory
To read another allegory story
The father reads a little bit farther
Assuring the assured that they need not bother
When God, in verse 45, said that slaves were OK to buy
He meant that people all from the start
Each have slaves within their hearts
Things that we have sold or bought
That are forced to pick our moral cotton
God calls us to set these free
Free our hearts in slavery
And as God goes on to explain
The logistics of buying and selling slaves
uh..he..the Bible sorta like..uh..its like typos
didn't..
In the back I sit and I nod
To the beats that are bumpin' from my iPod
My god they're starting to pray
And over the music I can hear them say
Dear God, dear Lord,
Dear vague muscular man with a beard or a sword
Dear good all seeing being
My way or the highway Yahweh
The blue balled anti masterbater
The great all loving faggot hater
I'd like to thank your holy might for
Making me both rich and white and
Though this is your day of rest
I come to you with one request
There's so much pain beyond this steeple
Wars and drugs and homeless people
sadness where there should be joy
Hate and rape and Soulja Boy
A world in darkness needs your light
So I'm sure your schedules pretty tight
But my dog just had surgery
if you could fix that first?
Jesus...
Debra Messing's fingers in a holy place
Hail Mary full of grace
Obama could you pass some hope to the pope
I know a couple dudes who wanna elope
See the church said nope so the bros can't cope
The bros can grope but the bros can't cope
They've been in love and they've been addicted
Who said they shouldn't Benedict did
'Cuz in the holy land of the lord
is the holy landlord and dicks are evicted
'Cuz you can be a Benedict
If you've been a dick under Benedict but
You can't have been a dicks
Because there's only one pope
with only one dick what
Yeah a dick on a pope is
Just like a soap on a rope
'Cuz it's pointless unless in prison
Throw up your Bibles Christ has risen
Hallelujah now it's raining men
Because the gender ratio's 1 to 10
Winos at the Eucharist station
Transgendered substantiation
Jesus wasn't the messiah
Get back I'm a heretic and I'm on fire
It was Oedipus those holy nights
The holy mother fucking Christ
I'm a blasphemer post Katrina cruisin' the marina
On crusade to cruise aids and blast FEMA
You're too late we're fucked we don't need ya
Amen. In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
head shoulders knees and toes
turn up your nose strike that pose
Walkin my poodles, man it never gets old
With my dogs on my leash I got bitches on the hold,
A first aids kit? Thats a rhesus monkey,
I bust more nuts than a pistachio junkie!
Get more ass than a giant donkey stable,
Got more lines than whitney houston's coffee table,
I get more head than grammar school lice,
I'm like a walkin glacier I'm so decked out with ice.
Did you poop a virgin? Cause that shit is tight.
Jack ain't black, and Barry ain't white.
I do drugs in the bedroom, lie on ur back,
Cause I got the pipe and you got the crack.
Though i'm sexually straight, your bound to find,
I'm mentally gay, cause I'll blow your mind.
The parents be snickerin "Te shouldnt have written it"
But I'm constipated, couldnt give a shit.
chorus:
My name is Bo fo sho,
A born bostonian,
Aryan librarian at the WORDsmithsonian
The rap is scattered, it hides its ingenuity,
I gave it this little part to give it continuity.
The fellas say
Hey moron pass the gin
Cause I'm an OXYmoron breathing OXYgen
Give me the bottle, I'll chug two thirds
Cause you bitches know fractions speak louder than words
And the ladies say
Hey fellas i'm keepin it tight and if You play ur cards right you can have me tonight
Should i blow you or beat you, brass or percussion?
Oh stop, PERIOD end of discussion
chorus:
My name is Bo fo sho,
A born bostonian,
Aryan librarian at the WORDsmithsonian
The rap is scattered, it hides its ingenuity,
I gave it this little part to give it continuity.
Walking through the garden with food at y feet,
Picked up the celery but dropped the beat (beet).
And then I pick it up again.
We're in the hood ill take what you give me
Was einstein's theory good...relatively
A smart queen's kingdumb, it doesnt mix
A litter of literates, a bunch of moby dicks
"get thee to a punnery" o-just to-pheelia
Take you with a condomn "stainless-steal" ya.
Half a pound of turkey breast, half a pound of chicken tits,
Why are only crackers staying at the Ritz?
Poverty, racism, isn't it strange,
That only the homeless are beggin for change?
I shocked Sherlock
What, son? (watson) (watt, son?)
Rosa Parks didnt call "shotgun"!
Here's a bit of irony
A Ford Focus driver has ADD
How'd I come to master all these things?
Art is dead, art is dead
Art is dead, art is dead
Entertainers like to seem complicated
But we're not complicated
I can explain it pretty easily
Have you ever been to a birthday party for children
And one of the children won't stop screaming
Cause he's just a little attention attractor
When he grows up to be a comic or actor
He'll be rewarded for never maturing
For never understanding or learning
That every day can't be about him
There's other people you selfish asshole
I must be psychotic, I must be demented
To think that I'm worthy of all this attention
Of all of this money you worked hard for
I slept in late while you worked at the drug store
My drug's attention, I am an addict
But I get paid to indulge in my habit
It's all an illusion, I'm wearing make-up
I'm wearing make-up, make-up, make-up, make-up
Art is dead, so people think you're funny
How do you get those people's money?
I said, art is dead, we're rolling in dough
While Carlin rolls in his grave, in his grave, in his grave
Cause this show has got a budget
The show has got a budget
And all the poor people way more deserving of the money won't budget
Cause I wanted my name in lights
When I could have fed a family of four
For forty fucking fortnights, forty fucking fortnights
I am an artist, please god forgive me
I am an artist, please don't revere me
I am an artist, please don't respect me
I am an artist, feel free to correct me
A self-centered artist, self-obsessed artist
I am an artist, I am an artist
But I'm just a kid, I'm just a kid, kid
Yo I dont got bros, dont hang on the streets
I dont beat my hos, i only beat my meat.
Dont womanize cause you no its true
That when you look in thier eyes you see thier people too
Mother effin suffrage!
You know im a gangsta, you know i do coke,
But i had to switch to diet, cause it burnt my throat.
Ive been doin drive-bys all of my life,
Cept the bullets are newspapers, the car is my bike.
3.14 apple pi,
I whipe it clean it off, and stick it in her eye.
And by "it" i mean contact lense unless it got dirty
3.14 apple pi,
I got rhymes and flows that make hitler cry.
George bush wont he just yell and rant
But hes a presiDONT who ameriCANT
I spit gangsta hymns, cause i'm a gangsta straight,
I think of 20 inch rims when i masterbate.
We're gonna be late, theres no time to waste,
Cause the girls that i date, have a particular taste.
The taste of my weiner!
3.14 apple pi why was i born white no one quite knows why,
Gansgsta sell their rocks, ive got a collection
You couldnt get a rise out of a yeast infection.
I'm a lyrical heretic, but i'll make you laugh
Hit with you rhetoric, then i'll cut you in half.
Dont need to be a clown, i dont need to be nice,
How bout you sit down, and i serve you slice...
Of my 3.14 apple pi my voice is so smokey itll make you high...
Heres a confession its all about me,
Heres my impression of a broken jet ski.....fill me with gas
Here come the puns. (X4)
All yo little thugs wanna mess me with me?
Know that ive been doin drugs since the age of 3.
I took my ceral, stabbed it open with a knife.
Snorted that shit and i got high on Life.
A guy asked me for change, saying my mind was too dense.
I said you wont make cents if you dont make sense.
Big finale...
You know i flow and show it, you know that bo know it,
Youre lawn i'll mow it and grow it cause he's a sho' poet.
Yo my rims be spinning i winning, like adam i be sinning.
Potato skinnnin and knittin and separate those linens.
And in my eyes you see flies, and though you people tries
Just to disguise all your lies, but baby i be wise.
You know i did it and shit it you brothers couldnt hit it,
alright kids, welcome to your first sunday school class
let's get right into it
did you know that jesus died on the cross
just to keep you from masturbating
and did you know that prior to 1960
he frowned on interracial dating
well my name is bobby johnson
and i teach about god's loving wrath
and though i try to live by the bible and what it says
i think i might have stumbled from the path
because i'm gay for jesus
creator of all good
a charitable carpenter
that's why hes givin me wood
i'm gay for jesus
let the people rejoice
but it's not about lust, i don't wanna nail him
that was a poor word choice
did you know satan wears a cape
made out of a rainbow flag
and did you know that jesus hates abortions
unless the kid was a f... jew
well i try to live by the bible
but it tells me that my thoughts aren't right
but those particular pages might be stuck together
from the little bit of sinning i did last night
because they told me to love jesus
i chose an alternative route
well i was so sad when he was in that cave
but i was thrilled when he came out
well i'm gay for jesus
fill me with your grace
i said pour your love all over me
We live in a binary reality. We do.
It's a world of black and white.
There's only two types of people in this world:
Those who can finish lists
What is art? You know. What is art?
Is art something gay people do to get back at their fathers? ... Could be.
What is an artist?
What makes a great artist? You know. ... Great artists, like myself,
Like the great director Michael Bay,
Like the great Irish actor Shaquille O'Neal?
We ask questions.
You know, questions nobody else dares to ask
Questions like
Where are all the Sour Patch Parents?
Questions like if Mickey's a mouse, and Minnie's a mouse, and Donald's a duck, and Daisy and Goofy, if they're all animals and they can talk
Why is Pluto just a fucking dog?
Did they just forget to anthropomorphize him or, worse, is Mickey keeping him mentally handicapped to stay a pet?
I'm not, how does that fit in to that universe, that paradigm
Goofy's a dog, he's talking
This one, crawling around
Guys, you got tight, I would never bash Disney
Never
Ever
I think Disney teaches girls
Young girls such important lessons that princess fairy tales, you know like
Cinderella: It doesn't matter where you come from or how poor you are, you know, as long as you're incredibly hot
Snow White: Which encourages children to
You know, give midgets nicknames
Sleeping Beauty: You know, which encourages, um
Date rape, maybe not
Maybe not that one
I was doing a show recently on the border of, uh, Hannah Montana and South Dakota Fanning
And after the show
After the show, a guy came up to me
And said, "Bo, why don't you ever tell stories on-stage about people coming up to you after the shows?"
And I said, "'Cause they're never funny"
I've always wanted a black girlfriend
Not as, you know, 'cause like
I don't know, h-how, how do I put this?
When we 69, I can call it "yin-yanging"
It's not a, it's not racist
Guys, it's 21st Century racism
It's racism in light of itself
The only reason I'm saying these things
Is because the stigmas about race are already there
And I'm just playing off of that
And they understand that
So, if, after the show,
You see like a black guy beating me up,
He's doing it ironically, okay?
We got a little serious there.
I think "fisting" should be called "upper-cunting",
And we're back.
Do you guys like impressions?
(Yeah.)
"Why?" That was Socrates.
Older traditional stand-up comics sometimes have problems with me
Because they think I use music and other stuff
And they think I'm a gimmick, I'm a hack, you know, I'm a gimmick comic
And they're such comedy purists, they don't think my comedy can stand on it's own.
But the truth is, I'm a comedy purist, too.
So I can do comedy without gimmicks.
I'll show you that right now.
What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye-patch?
Names!
For those listening on the CD, I just gave birth to a dove.
I love traditional stand-up comedy, don't get me wrong.
I love it. I'm a huge fan of traditional stand-up comics.
A lot of them are my heroes.
And I want to be a traditional stand-up comic
And I've been working on some traditional stand-up material and
It's in its infancy so, please, bare with me, go easy
But this is a bit of my traditional stand-up.
My wife, right.
We never have sex. Like, ever. Which is really funny.
Something else, I never know what she's saying.
She'll say something and I'll be like, "pft."
You know, she's constantly emasculating me
And I'm making her resent herself for getting older,
So we're looking into a divorce.
And, you know, something else that's really funny:
She can't drive. The only thing she can drive is
She got me with her look
She got me with her stare
Bright blue eyes and her long blond hair
From the start it was easy to see
This was the girl for me
Who cares if she was 83?
She could make me silent, she could make me shout
And she drove me wild with those dentures out
When we ate people said we were rude
Because I had pre-chew her food
Her skin was saggy, so was the rest.
I put my hand up her skirt and I felt her breast.
We made love, and the more I thrust
The more the room was covered in dust
Room was covered in dust
Then one day I felt a chill
As I woke up from my bed
She was lying real still
My little lady was already dead
The wake happened on a Saturday night
I just sat there and bowed my head.
A little girl was on my right
Crying because her Grandma was dead
And that little girl she got me with her looks
Got me with her tears
Feminine beauty beyond her years.
From the start it was easy to see
That was the girl for me
![Bo Burnham - NERDS - Album/Studio Version w/ Lyrics and Free Download Link! [HQ] [HD]](http://web.archive.org./web/20140106044527im_/http://i.ytimg.com/vi/pQwzVszVmQo/0.jpg "Bo Burnham - NERDS - Album/Studio Version w/ Lyrics and Free Download Link! [HQ] [HD]")
![American Virgin (2009) [Full Movie] {HD} Bo Burnham](http://web.archive.org./web/20140106044527im_/http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/UOMJk-Qc7Ms/0.jpg "American Virgin (2009) [Full Movie] {HD} Bo Burnham")
