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A first date is any type of initial meeting between two individuals whether or not previously acquainted where an effort is made to ask, plan and organize some sort of social activity. Dating can vary between cultures, lifestyles, religion, gender, and sexual orientation. In many countries and cultures it is the process that romantic relationships are developed and future spouses are found. Often, people are set up on dates by their friends, or they meet the individual at work, a party, or in class.
The purpose of a first date is the same as the purpose of any date. Because they often set the tone for the relationship, first dates are highly important. As the study by Mary Claire Morr Serewicz of the Department of Human Communication Studies at the University of Denver, and Paul Mongeau of Arizona State University, states that first dates "represent an important early event in the development of dating relationship." [1] For example, if a date doesn’t go according to one's standards, the couple might choose to only be platonically involved, which means having no romantic relationship. However, if the date was successful and both parties’ goals were accomplished a second date might be lined up. First dates represent potential relational turning points in an individual's life.
Mongeau's research shows that the term "date" can be condensed into four subcategories:
1. Dyadic: The purpose to which the date is occurring between two individuals.
2. Date cycle: Includes the major behavior components of a date.
3. Positive interaction expectancies: Implies that dates allow each other a chance to get to know one another in a comfortable environment.
4. Sexual overtones: Refers to the part of the date where romantic relationships may develop and/or include sexual attraction or expectation.[2]
These components are the basis of a date, making up its structure and providing the involved a starting place from which to begin the dating process.
In the 2004 study done by Mongeau, he quotes Roscoe, who identifies seven purposes for dating:
• Recreation (to have fun)
• Socialization (to get to know the partner)
• Status grading (increasing social status by dating an attractive partner)
• Companionship (finding a friend to do things with)
• Mate selection/courtship (finding a spouse)
• Intimacy (establishing a meaningful relationship)[3]
A few of these, recreation, socialization and companionship, are the main reasons for going on a first date. The rest pertains to steps that occur later on in the dating process or in a relationship. Getting to know someone, having fun, and becoming friends with a particular person is half of the reason why people date. The other emotional, romantic half is not usually the main focus during a first date.
Mongeau’s 2007 study on dates and first date goals quotes Beth Bailey of the University of Chicago, as well as Sally Lloyd of Miami University with an emphasis in family studies. These researchers show that specific dating norms have been around for a long time but have often shifted from generation to generation.[4] Many studies have been done on dating scripts and norms. In a study done by Suzanna Rose of the University of Missouri and Irene Hanson Frieze of the University of Pittsburgh, published in the Journal of Gender and Society, they quote Ginsberg, who writes that scripts “are types of schema used to organize our experiences and are usually composed of a set of stereotypical actions.”[5] In the Journal of Family Issues, Laner describes that these scripts are what allow people to predict the actions of others and serve as guidelines for their own decisions on how to react to the other person.[6] Studies done by Mongeau, Laner, and Knox all show that first dates tend to be more “traditional” (male-dominated) from start to finish. However, in certain cases, such as gay dating, the circumstances are different.
According to Rose and Frieze, a first date, or any date that follows, the man is typically and traditionally portrayed as initiating the date, planning the date activities, picking the girl up, driving, paying for the date, performing courteous acts for the date—such as opening doors and possibly making any affectionate moves and then returning the date home. The woman’s role tends to be more of a passive one. She is expected to wait for the man to initiate and determine whether or not to “accept or reject [a] date’s moves.”[7]
When a woman initiates the date, it is departing from the traditional dating script. Also, gay dating standards can vary from heterosexual dating standards. People who have had other associations with one another and another basis may have a different dating script than with two people who have just recently met.[8]
A further factor that could influence dating scripts is the availability of alcohol. In Mongeau’s 2004 study, he quotes Barbara Leigh of the University of Washington, who in her article on alcohol says that “it is a familiar idea that alcohol reduces inhibitions and increases sexual response.”[9] William H. George, also of the University of Washington, focuses his research on the influence of alcohol on sexual behavior and has discovered that, when alcohol is involved, sex between friends occurs more frequently. Overall sexual expectations and behaviors on first dates also change, diverging from the standard “first date scripts.” George has also proven that alcohol can reduce anxiety and increase self-disclosure for men. On the other hand, women are more concerned that their actions might be misinterpreted if alcohol is involved.[10] Mongeau’s study found that individuals were more likely to approve the friendship goal when alcohol was not involved as compared to if it was available, meaning that more friendships were established through first dates when there was no alcohol involved.
People on first dates are usually relatively aware of their expectations regarding the outcome of the date. “Evaluation of a date may depend, in part, on the extent to which persons reach their goals.” [11] Goals are fluid, meaning said goals may change over the course of a date. For example, a person may go into a date with the aim of establishing a friendship but at some time during the date decide to pursue a romantic relationship.[12] Goals depend on the individual, but for the most part, goals on the first date, are fairly similar between parties. In her study on first dates, Mary Claire Morr explains that expectations for a date can be formed based on information about the communicator, relationship and context.
The expectations for a date can be formed based on the communicator, the relationship, and the context.
Communicator characteristics include all of the features of the individual, such as personality, physical appearance, and communication style. These characteristics can lead the partner to predict how the other will communicate in a “dating” situation. The relationship factor involves characteristics that describe the relationship between the two individuals. These factors include the degree of familiarity, liking, attraction, or similarity. The context feature involves aspects like the environment and the situations the individuals are in such as privacy, formality, and task oriented.[13] These situations either enhance or diminish the interaction on the date and help maintain and structure individual’s goals.
First dates are designed to produce a number of relationship outcomes. (e.g., sexual partner, friendship, short-term romantic relationship, or life partnership.) However, as Mongeau says “the desired relationship outcome (if any) is, of course, not directly observable.” [14] Mongeau quotes Theiss and Solomon, who have done many scholarly articles on dating, stating that first dates are very important because partners are both getting to know each other and attempting to establish a relationship definition as well. The three most common goals that people have on first dates are to reduce uncertainty, achieve relational escalation, and to have fun.[15]
Men (Blue) vs. women (Red) who go on first dates to reduce uncertainty
Most people who go on a first date will say that their objective is to find out more about the individual and to see if there was any future potential. Only when the uncertainty is gone will a person decide what to do next. Oftentimes, the individual will be looking to see if their date can be a potential friend. If he or she passes the “good friend” test, the person will move on to the second assessment—seeing if there is a romantic future. If there is no romantic future the dates seem to cease or diminish unless the partner shares the same feelings. The couple might continue to go on dates but only as friends.
Similarities between partners’ goals will more likely lead to a more successful first date. And if a first date goes well, the individuals might engage in other activities, such as a second date. If partners’ goals and expectations are similar, it makes it easier for both to have a good time and be comfortable around each other. For example, if both a man and a woman are looking for friendship then both can focus on becoming friends and not worry about if the other person is trying to make a move and having to decide how to accept or reject the offer. On the other hand, having different goals can sometimes make a situation awkward or uncomfortable.
A good example of where goals can clash comes in saying goodbye at the end of a date. A person looking for just a friendship will say goodbye differently than someone looking for a romantic relationship. If one is looking just for a friendship, the date might end with a hug, but if one believes that it could be more, they might try to attempt to get a goodnight kiss.
Another example that is commonly seen throughout dating especially in women is the position of her hands during the course of a date. Let’s say a guy takes a girl to a movie and the girl has her hand on her leg or lightly lying in her lap, it probably means she wants him to hold her hand. However, if her arms are folded or hidden, then it is usually signaling a "no go." There are many different ways to pick up on how to know what the opposite person is feeling or expecting. Everyone going on a date has some kind of expectation and each is looking for something specific. Good first dates usually occur if both parties' goals are both met.[citation needed]
As mentioned in the last section, men and women, when dating, have goals and expectations. They are looking for certain qualities and characteristics. Eventually, both are looking for someone to spend the rest of their lives with. But in the meantime they are looking for different qualities and characteristics in a person that they wish to have as their immediate companion. According to the study done by Alice Eagly, a professor in Psychology at Northwestern University and Wendy Wood, also a professor in the same department, about sex differences in human behavior, they give the idea that both men and women are looking for certain attractiveness that fits their taste and style. The study states “the value of attractiveness stems from its perceived association with the ability to provide sexual pleasure.” [16] This means that attractiveness suggests information about “sexual warmth” or sexual arousal. The study then proceeds to say that if this is true, then men will seek sexiness in a partner. In addition they will also look for characteristics such as domestic skills. However, Wood and Eagly go on to say “given that the female gender role contains sexual restraint and lacks sexual autonomy, women place less importance on sexiness in a partner.”[17]
Women look for certain cues on a first date: For example, it is important to a woman to find out if the man is courteous or not. Women will look for this by observing if the man comes to the door to pick her up or if he opens doors for her, or compliments her on how she looks, for example. If some of her expectations are not met, mainly the most important ones, she will not want to pursue anything more than a friendship. If the expectations are met, a second date might be in the future, but only if the man is feeling the same thing. Overall, on a first date, women’s goals are related more to establishing friendships and having fun. Mongeau, in his 2004 study found that 60 percent of women go on first dates mainly to have fun and 59 percent go on dates to reduce uncertainty. (Note, however, that there are some errors in the mathematical calculations done in the study, and the study is statistically invalid as it uses the convenience sampling method.) Women's goals tend to be more relationship-oriented than men’s goals.[18] Also, unlike men, women are usually more reserved when it comes to the sexual aspect and having sex. Women are more likely to express companionship, friendship, and romantic relationship goals than men and are also more likely to consider the first date in terms of their relational implications than men.[19]
Unlike women, men overall have a higher expectation for sexual goals. They are typically more concerned with the sexual aspect of a woman and a relationship. Studies done by Antonia Abbey of the Liberal Arts and Science department at Wayne State University and other colleagues indicate that men tend to perceive people and relationships in more of a sexualized manner than women do.[20]
In her report, Abbey also argues that “men may be socialized to attend more carefully than women to potentially sexual cues and are, therefore, more likely to interpret a variety of stimuli as a sign of sexual intent.”[21] Men tend to read into women’s actions more sexually than women would read into men’s actions. For example, men might find tickling to mean that the woman is very interested while to women it might just be a way of flirting or joking around. This can lead to some problems and possibly awkward encounters. Abbey also says that men tend to have a more sexual outlook and oftentimes perceive situations more sexually than women might; therefore, men could then feel that sexual advances are appropriate and justified whereas a woman may not be thinking so.[22] Case in point, men may interpret a style of dress or a woman accepting a drink at his apartment as indicators of sexual availability.
Abbey's studies might seem at first glance to corroborate the theory that men tend to be more sexually attracted to the opposite sex. However, recent research by evolutionary psychologists and others suggests that the difference in attraction is exaggerated or nonexistent. A study by Terri Fisher, Ohio State associate professor of psychology, for example, concludes that previous studies are flawed in that women are seldom given sufficient anonymity when responding to surveys and interviews, and that women give answers that suggest that women have a sexual attraction for the opposite similar to that of men when greater levels of confidentiality are provided. Conversely, men are "socialized" to exaggerate such things as the number of partners that they have had. Fisher concludes that, "Evidence clearly points to the fact that the gender difference in reported sex partners between men and women is an illusory difference created by attitudes related to sexual success as prestigious which in turn impact self-reports." [23]
Carrying on a conversation with new people, especially women, is not something that all men are comfortable with. [24]
The best way to carry on a conversation with a woman is to get them to talk about themselves. Ask him/her a lot of open ended questions that allow her to tell about herself. The important thing is to avoid questions that can be answered with one word. You can get her talking by asking him/her about work or school. You can also ask her what her ambitions and goals are. These are the kind of open ended questions that will require her to talk. They also give you the chance to ask follow up questions. Another good way to get her to talk is to ask her questions that require her to share her opinion. When your on a date with a woman you want to show her that you are interested in her. The best way to do this is to ask her questions about herself. Really you should be genuinely interested in what she has to say, if not there's probably not much of a future with her. You will be more attractive to her if you show her that your are genuinely interested in her. You can't just get her to talk about herself all night. At some point you are going to have to contribute something about yourself to the conversation. She is going to want to get to know you so you are going to have to tell her something about yourself. A lot of guys when they get nervous start talking too much, usually bragging about themselves. This is something you need to avoid. You don't want to dominate the conversation, you want it to be an equal amount of give and take. Just keep in mind that she may be just as uncomfortable as you are at carrying on a conversation. A lot of men find it difficult to carry on a conversation with a woman when they are on a first date. Some people are just naturals at talking with people that they don't know very well, but a lot of people are uncomfortable with this. If you are one of those men that finds it difficult to carry on a conversation with a woman your best bet is to get her to talk about herself.
• Past Romances
Keep the past in the past on the first date for sure, and possibly the next couple of dates. This is a subject that can be very tempestuous. [25]
• Money
If you talk about how much you make, it can be looked at as being Showy and not very classy. Where money is concerned, it is better to show style and class rather than crass talk about it. Lack of money is equally a taboo subject on a first date!
• Injuries/Complaints/Ailments
No-no on a first date. This should be fun and uplifting. This date should hopefully be the beginning of more dates. Do not be a downer by talking about negative things, especially about your health and well-being!
• Future
If you start talking about future scenarios in the "we" sense, on a first date, you might just see your date head out the door. This can come across as clingy, needy, and even downright scary! Even after two or three dates or more, be careful. Save talk about future plans for a relationship.
- ^ Mongeau, Paul. "Goals for Cross-Sex First Dates: Identification, Measurement, and the Influence of Contextual Factors." p. 121-47.
- ^ Mongeau, P.A., & Kendall, J. A. ”What do You Mean this is a Date?": Differentiating a Date from Going Out with Friends. " Paper presented to the International Network on Personal Relationships, Seattle, WA.
- ^ Mongeau, Paul, Mary Claire Serewicz, and Therrien. "Goals for Cross-Sex First Dates: Identification, Measurement, and the Influence of Contextual Factors." p. 121-47.
- ^ Mongeau, Paul A., Janet Jacobsen, and Carolyn Donnerstein. "Defining Dates and First Date Goals: Generalizing from Undergraduates to Single Adults." p. 526-47.
- ^ Rose, Suzanna, and Irene Hanson Frieze. "Young Singles' Scripts for a First Date." p. 258-68.
- ^ Laner, Mary, and Nicole Ventrone. "Dating Scripts Revisited." p. 488-500.
- ^ Rose, Suzanna, and Irene Hanson Frieze. "Young Singles' Scripts for a First Date." p. 258-68.
- ^ Mongeau, Paul, Mary Claire Serewicz, and Therrien. "Goals for Cross-Sex First Dates: Identification, Measurement, and the Influence of Contextual Factors." p. 121-47.
- ^ Mongeau, Paul, Mary Claire Serewicz, and Therrien. "Goals for Cross-Sex First Dates: Identification, Measurement, and the Influence of Contextual Factors." p. 121-47.
- ^ George, W. H., & Norris, J. (1991) Alcohol, disinhibition, sexual arousal, and deviant sexual behavior. p. 15, 133-138.
- ^ Mongeau, Paul, Mary Claire Serewicz, and Therrien. "Goals for Cross-Sex First Dates: Identification, Measurement, and the Influence of Contextual Factors." p. 121-47.
- ^ Mongeau, Paul, Mary Claire Serewicz, and Therrien. "Goals for Cross-Sex First Dates: Identification, Measurement, and the Influence of Contextual Factors." p. 121-47.
- ^ Mongeau, Paul, Mary Claire Serewicz, and Therrien. "Goals for Cross-Sex First Dates: Identification, Measurement, and the Influence of Contextual Factors." p. 121-47.
- ^ Mongeau, Paul A., Janet Jacobsen, and Carolyn Donnerstein. "Defining Dates and First Date Goals: Generalizing from Undergraduates to Single Adults." p. 526-47.
- ^ Mongeau, Paul, Mary Claire Serewicz, and Therrien. "Goals for Cross-Sex First Dates: Identification, Measurement, and the Influence of Contextual Factors." p. 121-47.
- ^ Eagly, A. H., & Wood, W. (1999). The origins of sex differences in human behavior: Evolved dispositions versus social roles. p. 291.
- ^ Eagly, A. H., & Wood, W. (1999). The origins of sex differences in human behavior: Evolved dispositions versus social roles. p. 291.
- ^ Mongeau, Paul, Mary Claire Serewicz, and Therrien. "Goals for Cross-Sex First Dates: Identification, Measurement, and the Influence of Contextual Factors." p. 121-47.
- ^ Mongeau, Paul A., Janet Jacobsen, and Carolyn Donnerstein. "Defining Dates and First Date Goals: Generalizing from Undergraduates to Single Adults." p. 526-47.
- ^ Abbey,. "Misperceptions of Friendly Behavior as Sexual Interest: A Survey of Naturally Occurring Incidents." p. 173.
- ^ Abbey, Antonia. "Misperceptions of Friendly Behavior as Sexual Interest: A Survey of Naturally Occurring Incidents." p. 173.
- ^ Abbey,. "Misperceptions of Friendly Behavior as Sexual Interest: A Survey of Naturally Occurring Incidents." p. 173.
- ^ Fisher, T and Johnson, P. The Power of Prestige: Why Young Men Report Having more Sex Partners than Young Women, Published online: 19 July 2008, Springer Science and Business Media, LLC 2008
- ^ "First Date Conversation Topics". LiveDateSearch.com. 2010-01-07. http://www.livedatesearch.com/en/main/articles/first_date_conversation_topics. Retrieved 2010-01-07.
- ^ "What to Talk About and NOT Talk About on a First Date". Margaret. 2007-09-17. http://voices.yahoo.com/what-talk-not-talk-first-date-540785.html. Retrieved 2007-09-17.
- Abbey, Antonia. "Misperceptions of Friendly Behavior as Sexual Interest: A Survey of Naturally Occurring Incidents." Psychology of Women Quarterly 11.2; 2 (1987): 173.
- Bailey, B. L. (1988). “From front porch to back seat: Courtship in twentieth century America.”[title missing] Baltimore, MD: Johns Hopkins University Press.
- Burgoon, J. K. (1993). Interpersonal expectancies, expectancy violations, and emotional communication. Journal of Language and Social Psychology 12, 30-48.
- Cate, R. M. & Lloyd, S. A. (1992). Courtship. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.
- Claire Morr, and Paul Mongeau. "First-Date Expectations: The Impact of Sex of Initiator, Alcohol Consumption, and Relationship Type." Communication Research 31.1 (2004): 3-35.
- Eagly, A. H., & Wood, W. (1999). The origins of sex differences in human behavior: Evolved dispositions versus social roles. American Psychologist p. 291
- George, W. H., & Norris, J. (1991) Alcohol, disinhibition, sexual arousal, and deviant sexual behavior. Alcohol Health and Research World 15, 133-138.
- Jackson, Sandy, et al. "Cognitive Strategies Employed in Trying to Arrange a First Date." Journal of Adolescence 24.3 (2001): 267.
- Knox, and Wilson. "Dating Behaviors of University Students." Family Relations 30.2 (1981): 255.
- ---. "Egalitarian Daters/ Traditionalist Dates." Journal of Family Issues 19.4 (1998): 468-77.
- Laner, Mary, and Nicole Ventrone. "Dating Scripts Revisited." Journal of Family Issues 21.4 (2000): 488-500.
- McDaniel, Anita K. "Young Women's Dating Behavior: Why/Why Not Date a Nice Guy?" Sex Roles 53.5 (2005): 347-59.
- Mongeau, P.A., & Kendall, J. A. (1996, June) "”What do You Mean this is a Date?": Differentiating a Date from Going Out with Friends. " Paper presented to the International Network on Personal Relationships, Seattle, WA.
- Mongeau, Paul A., Janet Jacobsen, and Carolyn Donnerstein. "Defining Dates and First Date Goals: Generalizing from Undergraduates to Single Adults." Communication Research 34.5 (2007): 526-47.
- Mongeau, Paul, Mary Claire Serewicz, and Therrien. "Goals for Cross-Sex First Dates: Identification, Measurement, and the Influence of Contextual Factors." Communication Monographs 71.2 (2004): 121-47.
- Morr Serewicz, Mary, and Elaine Gale. "First-Date Scripts: Gender Roles, Context, and Relationship." Sex Roles 58.3 (2008): 149-64.
- Rose, Suzanna, and Irene Hanson Frieze. "Young Singles' Scripts for a First Date." Gender and Society 3.2 (1989): 258-68.
- Tesser, Abraham, Richard B. Felson, and Jerry M. Suls. Psychological Perspectives on Self and Identity. Ed. Abraham Tesser, et al. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association, 2000.
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