George W. Bush "Elite Force Aviator"

by Herman B. Hayes

Christmas time is here again, readers, and this year the selection of toys to give your children is better than ever.

It is important to only give your little ones toys that are pleasing in the eyes of the Lord, and we at Conservatives for American Values will help you make the right choices. God will be judging you based on your Jesus-Day decisions, so choose well. The toy below is sure to make God happy, and also should please your children.

The George W. Bush “Elite Force Aviator” twelve inch action figure is my favorite toy this Christmas-Holy-Jesus-Day.

Imagine the delight on your child’s face as they imagine their beloved President making a perfect landing on the pitching deck of an aircraft carrier. We all know that President “Splash One Bandit” Bush is a real American fighting man, but sometimes this is a hard concept to get across to our children. It may surprise you to know that your kids have no idea that our brave President made not one, not two, but seven bombing runs on Iraqi targets before making that feather-perfect landing on the USS Abraham Lincoln. As we all remember, President Bush then informed the world that the fight in Iraq was over, and that he had accomplished the mission.

After taking off from the carrier, he then attacked three more targets, this time striking the terrorists that instantly, and unexpectedly, sprung up in the wake of his victory declaration.

With his F-15 badly damaged and burning furiously our Brave Bush ditched his aircraft into the Persian Gulf, just to see what it was like to cut-and-run. He vowed never to cut and run again. Since that day our Unwavering Commander has spent every free moment personally fighting the terrorists in Iraq. Some foolish liberals think that when our President takes a vacation, he is actually going to relax. Not so, as we good conservatives know.

President “I am Gonna Kill Em All, Laura” Bush never rests, and he never will until the last terrorist in Iraq is dead at his rough and manly hands.

Your child needs to know that someone out there is keeping them safe. I know, it took me almost a week to calm my children down after they found out that Democrats are going to control Congress. Our kids need a hero, and George W. Bush is that man. I imagine they will come out with an entire line of George W. Bush action figures, and I cannot wait to give them to my children, even the girls. I hope to see these ones in the near future:

George W. Bush, Navy Seal: This toy would come with a little piece of rope that your offspring could use to silently garrote a “Jihad Joe” terrorist action figure, or a Barbie who got a little bit too lippy, and tipped of some Jihadist to Bush’s mission.

George W. Bush, Green Beret Sniper: Envision your child’s delight when he imagines being the spotter for our Most Accurate President when he drops a terrorist, or at least someone with a turban, from 2,000 yards out. Press the button on the back of the toy, and your child will get a greeting from the President himself. My favorite is “You gotta kill em, there, kid, or they will kill you when you go try to go poo-poo here.”

George W. Bush, S.W.A.T. Officer: Your eyes will well up with parental pride when you hear your son yelling “Get on the ground, Mohammed, or whatever, you twitch, you die, terrorist scumbag!!!” Your child will spend hours and hours with George, kicking down doors, and shoving the optional “Terror-Toy Muslim Family” figures into the S.W.A.T. van and taking them off to Guantanamo.

Our Great Leader has been keeping America safe since Vietnam, when he defended the skies of the Great American South from a planned Viet Cong incursion. Let George W. Bush help you have a Merry Christmas this year, and let him defend your children’s bedrooms from the “imaginary” Muslims lurking in the closet.

Moral Mailbox: Onan's Fleshy Pistol

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Today I woke up feeling especially brave, so I’ve decided to sift through some of your inane email messages and respond to a moral query posed to the moral mailbox. I settled on this one:

I have a horrible confession to make and I therefore seek your infinite wisdom and moral genius. I have never touched myself in my entire life but the other day I woke up to find that I had somehow managed to spill my seed in my sleep. - “Mike”

First of all, Mike, let me say that while I’m not a doctor I do know that the event you recount in your email is physiologically impossible. Forgive me if I have trouble believing your far-fetched little story about ejaculating in your sleep. As you know, God is completely aware that such an occurrence is nothing less than the wasting of millions of potential lives. Why would He in His infinite wisdom make this a natural function of your body? I for one know that my body doesn’t work that way. Granted, your story is both disgusting and compelling, but frankly it just does not add up.

Now I think it’s important that we move past the obvious fabrications found in your email and get to the real heart of the matter. In order to do this, I’m going to replace the phrase “in my sleep” above with “while on my couch in the middle of the afternoon covered in sweat, Doritos crumbs, and shame.” I think this correction will serve to make it clear to everyone that you’ve willingly and repeatedly committed the sin of Onan and that’s what we’re really talking about isn’t it, Mike?

But then the question becomes is this really a sin? And my answer in turn becomes, why would you ask me something so incredibly stupid? Of course it is and you need to look no further than the Good Book to confirm that I am right:

And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother. And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also. (Gen 38:8-10)

Instead of just marrying his dead brother’s wife and engaging in procreative sex, Onan used the pull-out method and thereby let millions of potential lives fall upon the floor. This left God no choice but to dole out a severe smiting to Onan as He had to his brother before. So remember, Mike, that every time you take yourself into your own hands, you’re playing a dangerous game of Russian roulette with your fleshy pistol. Your next time could well be your last.

Allow me to break this down even further for you: Onan’s couitus interruptus = masturbation = angry God = dead Mike. Got it?

What it boils down to, is that every time you engage in self-love, you’re disrespecting and assaulting your body. Like any good parent, God gets pretty angry with anyone who assaults one of his children. On the other hand, you should know that every time you commit this heinous act, that God is much more reluctant to claim paternity. Once you’ve sinned to the point that you become nobody in the eyes of the Lord then this will make your self-gratification a completely victimless crime. So if getting off is more important to you than getting into Heaven just keep it up, Mike. God will eventually lose interest in you and your disgusting little acts; that is if He doesn’t destroy you first.

God’s Top Three Pet Peeves

by Herman B. Hayes

The Good Lord Our Holy God is really getting annoyed with most of you.

Some of you Godless unbelievers seem to think that the Lord will be infinitely patient with your constant sinning. This is not the case, I assure you. My God is not the forgiving and cuddly God of Vengeance that you heard about the last time you were in church, back when you thought White Snake was cool. There are, at a minimum, three sins that you must avoid at all costs.

One: Sex that you enjoy.

If you have a sexual experience, and you enjoy it, you are going to Hell. Sex is only, ever, for the production of offspring. God said that we should go forth and multiply, unto the ends of the Earth. God did not say that we should go forth and enjoy having sex while multiplying. Any sexual release, other than the male orgasm, is considered by God to be even worse than killing hobos for sport, which is highly frowned upon. Married couples should not enjoy sex, because that is not what God intended. I am not often so frank with you, readers, but you need to understand this message. The worst, most evil, part of a woman’s body is the clitoris. I happen to refer to it as “The Devil’s Easy Button”. Any contact with the clitoris, by either person in the sex-act, will cause God to turn his back on you forever. Clitoral stimulation also leads to genetic birth defects in the Satan-spawn that may be born through such tainted love-making.

Two: Supporting the Liberal Agenda of Satan.

This major pet-peeve of God is harder to define than the intercourse issue. Satan’s agenda comes in many forms, and you can only rely on Michael and myself to guide your path. First, as I hope you know by now, anyone who is not a life-long God Fearing Republican is an agent of the Dark Lord. I do not mean Voldemort, you idiotic heathens. Try to put aside your carnal lust for Harry Potter for a moment, could you? The only book you need is The Holy Bible. The Bible, when properly read, states that it is harder for a liberal to pass in to heaven than it is for a drunken young girl to live through an encounter with Ted Kennedy. That is pretty difficult, since Ted Kennedy is to nubile, inebriated females what black holes are to light and matter. Remember, anything that is not suggested to you by the far-right-reaches of the G.O.P. is a Satanist plot, and even considering these ideas will damn you to the deepest reaches of the fire-filled-pit of demonized Democrats.

Three: Selling your Lord for the modern equivalent of thirty pieces of silver.

So, are you a little short on money this winter? First, stop being a lazy and worthless simpleton, and get a better job. If that fails, though, and you still need to heat the house, there is an option. Citgo is offering heating oil for 40% off this winter. There is only one problem with this oil: It is the lubrication that Satan will use to sodomize you in Hell. The Satan-worshipping president of Venezuela (The “Sunny, Beautiful Hell” of South America) Hugo Chavez, is selling oil to Citgo at this bargain basement price because the Devil himself demanded it. Do you really want to heat your home with the putrefied souls of the damned? This “cheap” oil is laced with chemicals that cause terrible illness in humans, but help to moisturize and refresh the skin of demons. I for one prefer to heat my home with full priced oil, which is a gift from God Himself to mankind, and will last forever and ever. Joe Kennedy, notorious henchman of the President of Hell and longtime Democrat, is the mouthpiece for this Satanic attack on your home. If you would not let lice-ridden Gypsies inside to steal your children, don’t let Joe Kennedy sell you oil that will give your children cancer, homosexuality, AIDS and venereal disease.

My message is a simple one: If you cross the line, God will not welcome you back into the fold. It does not matter if you are an “innocent” child, or a withered, tube-riddled old bag of flesh. God does not love you by default. You must work each and every day not to cross God. If you sin, you burn, and that is the gospel truth. Jesus loves me, this I know, but how sure are you?

Why Am I Thankful This Year?

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

What exactly, dear readers, do I have to be thankful for this year? This isn’t a rhetorical question; I’m honestly asking you if you can come up with anything I should express thanks for at my dinner table this evening. We now have a Congress controlled by liberals and the train that is this nation has had an abrupt and last minute schedule change. All aboard! Next stop: imminent death at the hand of Islamofacists. Don’t forget to pick up the remains of your loved ones before you exit the train.

This Thanksgiving, grateful doesn’t exactly describe how I feel.

I guess I could sit in front of my family and tell them that we should all look at this as a chance to bridge the great ideological chasm in this country. We should be thankful, kids, that we have all been given this golden opportunity to stop the partisan bickering and begin to mend the deep wounds we all carry. This election loss is actually a good thing. But for some reason, I just can’t bring myself to lie to my children like that.

I know that a slew of new politically moderate candidates have been elected to represent us. Some would take this as a clear sign that the American public is sick of this kind of partisanship. They want Republicans and Democrats to reach across the aisle and start working together. This incorrectly assumes though that there’s any common ground between the members of God’s Party and the liberals who actively work to destroy America. I assure you that there absolutely isn’t.

If you don’t believe that we conservatives are fundamentally different from liberals then just consider how a typical liberal “family” will celebrate Thanksgiving today. Things will start out normal for them, with a table filled with food and smiling people eagerly eyeing this feast. Obviously nobody will say grace because liberals would sooner die than thank God for anything. They might express thanks for being able to pick up their free range hormone-free turkey along with the organic fair trade yams at their local Hippie-Mart but the Lord’s name certainly wouldn’t be uttered by anyone at this table.

The evening would begin with some light-hearted banter and innocent table conversation. There would obviously be a bit of confusion over which of Timmy’s five gay dads would carve up the turkey. A symbolic place of honor would be set at the front of the table for whatever terrorist leader is popular among liberals at the time.

It wouldn’t take too long for this lovely dinner to devolve into a turkey filled hedonistic orgy. Since this is a family blog I will spare you the despicable details of a writhing pile of naked liberals covered in turkey juices and smeared with mashed potatoes. I certainly won’t tell you what happens as soon as they break out the cranberry sauce flavored lube. The whole thing makes me sick.

So the lesson we should take from this year’s election is not that we need to unite our two incredibly disparate political ideologies, but that we that we need to work harder at destroying the ideology that’s fatally flawed (hint: Liberalism). We need to recruit real conservatives, Michael Gregory Steele conservatives to win back our country from the Democrat’s evil grasp.

This Thanksgiving I think my family can give thanks for that. We are actually presented with a once in a lifetime opportunity here. We can select conservatives so strong and so ideologically pure that they will destroy liberalism for good. It is with this thought in mind that I will sit down, break bread, and be genuinely thankful to be an American.

Moral Mailbox: Do I Deserve to Live?

by Herman B. Hayes

We received this very disturbing letter in the Moral Mailbox yesterday, and I felt that it deserved an immediate response. Some things, such as possible homosexual tendencies, cannot be ignored in good conscience.

“Dear Moral mailbox: I shed a tear when I saw that Rick Santorum was going to have the election stolen from him. I have always thought of myself as a manly-man, but I realized that I would miss Rick's smile. Does this make me gay? Do I deserve to live? Does thinking I might be gay make me a liberal? Am I going to Hell?

-Billy in Altoona, Pennsylvania”

Well, Billy, it seems like you have a real situation on your hands here. Let me get one thing clear right off the bat: Yes, you are gay. You “would miss” another man’s smile, and that means that you would like to engage in oil-washed intercourse with that man. I am guessing that wanting to have sex with another male makes you gay, right, that is still the definition in this politically correct world? Tell me, when you look at a picture of Rick Santorum, who I will admit is rather handsome, in a man way, do you simply see him as a sexual object for your gratification? I have no doubt that you do.

As for the next part of your letter, concerning whether or not you deserve to live, I think that Jesus would be the best one to answer that. I might be biased.

I am not saying that you should end your life, since that would be wrong, but your fate is already sealed. Why make God wait to judge you. I am sure he would rather get on with things than wait around for a man-luster like you, Billy boy. Jesus will give you his answer when you get to His door, Billy, and I would not keep Jesus waiting if I were you. Your chances are already dim.

No, Billy, I do not think that being gay makes you a liberal. I, personally, am convinced that being liberal will make you gay.

Liberals are all gays, and all gays are liberals. There is no way to avoid this fact. Most liberals are, of course, in the closet about their sexual preferences, and probably always will be. This is, through some act of Satan, how liberals manage to reproduce and keep their species going. Liberals are the only animal on Earth whose very procreation is based on lies and deceit. If a person is born of lies, of course he will choose the political party of liars, drug users, sodomites, pedophiles, and Nancy Pelosi.

Billy, it is not all your fault that you are a closet liberal. Chances are that your parents are, too. You should be happy, at least, that your mother and father got past their feelings for people of the same sex, and created you.

Of course, you should be less than happy that they lied to you, and told you that you were born conservative. Politics is not a lifestyle choice, young man, it is something you are born with. Liberals are a lesser animal, somewhat like a chimpanzee, or maybe a maggot. It is not your fault that you were born a liberal. Actually, it might be good news for you.

Recent research has shown that liberals may be born without souls, Billy, so you might not be going to Hell after all. You need a soul to enter Heaven, or Hell, so you might not go anywhere. In the meanwhile, I still think liberals are going to Hell, the thought just makes me happy. Have hope, Billy, you might just disappear into nothingness, much like your party-of-birth will be doing soon.

Thank You, Liberals.

by Herman B. Hayes

This is all your fault, you miserable liberals. You have put America on a very dangerous path with all of your recent interest in voting.

We Republicans know that all is not lost for us, and we will do fine. You Democrats follow fads like mice follow cheese, and soon the fad of voting will be over with. Soon you will all forget about having your voices heard, and go back to watching gays on television making houses look like homosexual sodomy nests. I am not sure that you understand how much danger you have put all of us in, though, in the meanwhile.

I cannot blame Donald Rumsfeld for stepping down. He, even though he is one of the toughest men on Earth, probably does not want to get blown to little bits in his office.

You liberals have opened the door, and the terrorists are walking right through it. They will be sure to wipe their feet, though, on the faces of those that you love. Rumsfeld knows that since the Democrats are in power, no one is safe, especially not the Secretary of Defense. Would you want to keep going to work if you could assume that any morning you could open your office door to find Osama pointing a gun at you while molesting your “executive assistant”?

Go ahead, liberals, celebrate. Just make sure that you hang your Taliban flag off the front porch of your house, so the terrorists know that you are their friend. I, for one, am going to continue to fly my good old American flag. I still love this country, and besides, I own lots and lots of guns. I will never forgive you for putting myself and my family in danger.

I guess now is the point at which I should congratulate you all for winning and try not to wonder too much about just how a group of unorganized, unwashed, and unsaved liberals managed to take control of Congress. I suppose the Republican Party is partly to blame for this, though. They were simply all too tired from governing, foiling terrorist plots, and winning election after election to even realize that you liberals would be able to somehow steal dozens of elections across this country. You know you cheated, I know you cheated and God certainly knows you cheated, but that is a topic for another day. Now I would ask you to raise your glasses and toast to your success. Drink fast, though, because your victory will be a short lived one.

If you put together the names of the top twenty Demon-crats that were voted in by you fools, you can spell the word “terror”. How could you vote for terror? I think you liberals should be locked up and studied, to see why your brains fail to function properly. Is there some kind of different synapse in there? Perhaps one that tells you to do things that are not in what we tell you is your best interest.

You are going to die; you do realize that, right? If the terrorists, your invited guests, don’t kill you, something else that you have caused will. For instance, the Democrats are working on a program of “retroactive abortions” where you could be killed up to forty years after your birth, if people decide that you are unwanted, or if you might get in the way of someone having a good time.

Wait, I have an idea! Why don’t you liberals just combine the two ideas of terrorism and retroactive abortion?

That way you could actually fund the Islmo-aborto-fascists as they go about their evil and disgusting work. Make sure that you have some quotas in place, though, you will need to be sure that you have some gay terrorists on the payroll.

Thank you, Liberal America. Thank you for taking away the sense of safety and security that the Republicans gave me. Thank you for taking away the knowledge that my anus was mine to do with what I please, keeping it tightly clenched. Thank you for destroying everything that I hold dear. Enjoy your two years of power, please. We will be taking over again in 2008, if you animals leave us enough America to reclaim.

Note: This post was authored by both Herman B. Hayes and Michael Gregory Steele.

Santorum and the Republicans Win by a Landslide!

by Herman B. Hayes

Rick Santorum has defeated Bob Casey by one of the largest margins in the history of Pennsylvania! God has once again proven that the Republican Party is the only true path to follow, and all will remain right, literally, with the world. We have won, Christian Soldiers, and victory is ours !

In the final tally, Bobby "How Could This Happen To Me?" Casey received only 20% of the vote in Pennsylvania! Even people who had claimed to be Democrats finally came to their senses and realized the Bob Casey is probably a slightly worse being than even Satan himself. I guess it just makes sense. Why would you ever vote for a man who wants to take away your guns, let homosexuals sodomize you and your sons, and who will let Osama be his chief advisor? We all knew that Rick Santorum was the man to vote for, and it pleases me that my state has not become the site of an embarrassing defeat for the Neo-Conservative crusade against evil. Pennsylvania is, and ever shall remain, a Red State.

Another factor in today’s crushing defeat of Bobby-Satan-Casey could have been the weather.

Slight drizzle prevailed over much of the state today, and as we all know, that kind of horrible weather is all it takes to keep weak-willed little liberals snug in their beds. Beds, that is, that are not crawling with jihadists due to the hard work of the Republican Party and real men like Rick Santorum. God has smiled upon us once again by unleashing a Heavenly assault of fine particles of rain upon Pennsylvania. Thank you for the misty sprinkles of Your love.

It was not just Pennsylvania, though, that the Republicans did so well in. All across this good and holy land, conservatives defeated the forces of the Devil in 89% of all races.

I guess people really do understand that we are winning in Iraq, and people are able to grasp the vile Democratic concepts of homosexual evil, forced sodomy, the myth of global warming, and so on and so forth down the line. I am simply astounded that in 11% of races held today, the forces of pure evil were able to prevail. I guess that some people just don’t understand that when you see a “D” by the name of a candidate, you might as well substitute a “T” for Taliban.

Tonight the Hayes home will be a house of celebration as we raise a toast to Senator Santorum-of-Christ, and all the Republican candidates who did so very well today.

Republicans from all over the state will be there, and we will be happy for an evening before we begin the hard work of crushing evil and preventing flag burning and anal sex again on Wednesday. Finally, the Democrats have been crushed. They will never recover, and that is reason enough for me to raise my glass.

Our drinks will be poured by minimum wage workers, who make $5.15 an hour, which is enough for any family if you spend it right and don't waste money.

In his concession speech earlier this evening, Bobby "Oh So Many Tears" Casey tried to convince us that he was proud of his campaign staffers. It will be a dark day when I coddle my lazy and shiftless runaways from the welfare rolls when they fail me at my refinery, or at my poolside bar. They did not do well, Mr. Casey, and they did not "try their best". They failed, you failed, and you should never show your face in public again. God has spoken, Mr. Casey, and he has declared you too liberal for heaven, and just liberal enough for Hell.

A note from Herman: I am writing this post a little bit early, since I am throwing a lavish victory celebration this evening. The numbers and statistics that I use are subject to change, but I doubt they will change by very much.

Update: Due to certain technical issues, our victory celebration has been cancelled.

The Election and the Gay Problem

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

We’ve got a problem, my conservative compatriots - a big gay problem. Given all the homosexual Republican stories in the news lately I think you know exactly what I’m talking about. Now this particular problem won’t be solved by you sitting home on Tuesday and sulking. We all need to get out and do our civic duty by voting Republican and suppressing Democratic votes when the opportunity presents itself. Don’t let a couple news stories about guerrilla sodomites within the conservative ranks influence the outcome of this election. You wouldn’t let a homosexual cut your hair so why would you let one of them influence who is chosen to be your representatives for Congress?

I admit that it’s discouraging to see all the negative stories about Republicans being reported in the news lately. It’s not so much the stories of influence peddling and corrupt lobbyists that really bother me. I’m a businessman myself and I know that making a living can get legally complicated sometimes. You know I’m not looking to criminalize success here. I would have no problem looking the other way if I saw a Republican official taking a bribe, but if I caught this same official oiled up and wrestling with another man in his office then I would look the other way only so I could find a trashcan to vomit into. From there I would do everything in my power to destroy him.

It’s the news stories that involve conservatives and gay sex that really hurt the most.

In fact, this recent story about the now former president of the National Association of Evangelicals, Ted Haggard, and his alleged engagement in a homosexually gay coital love tryst with an equally gay prostitute has deeply upset me. It’s especially distressing because of how often Haggard communicated with the White House and how hard he fought for Christian values. He may have seemed like such a morally upright individual but I guess he fooled us. I’m most upset that he allowed this to happen at a time when it’s so politically inconvenient for the Republicans, but I guess it just goes to show that gay men are concerned about sex above all else (ok, so I already knew that).

I admit that the Republican Party has a very serious problem. This Haggard story coupled with the recent scandal surrounding former Representative Mark Foley and those congressional pages makes this abundantly clear. We all know that there are far too many gays masquerading as Republicans within the Party of God and that their very presence undermines our collective moral authority. I understand that dealing with this gay problem is incredibly important but it’s not the only issue we have to consider this Tuesday.

We can all work on purging the Republican Party of homos after this election is won. Right now we need to ensure that Republicans retain control of Congress. I shouldn’t need to remind anyone that we are still engaged in a war against Islamofacists who want to kill us. The Republicans are the only ones equipped to stand up to the terrorists and to keep us alive and I think you know that.

If you’re still thinking of staying home then maybe you should consider the following scene:

Osama Bin Ladin enters the voting booth so that he can do his part to ensure a big win for the Democratic Party. He smiles as he dreams of an America without the strong Republican leadership necessary to foil his sinister terrorist plots. Liberals in power would mean no more War on Terror and nobody to stand in his way. A great sadness fills Osama’s heart though as he soon realizes that Americans would never be foolish enough to leave themselves so vulnerable. Osama hangs his head dejectedly as he turns around to exit his voting booth. Then without speaking Mark Foley and Ted Haggard slip into the booth alongside the soulless jihadist. Both gay “conservatives” begin stroking Osama’s course beard and sensuously rubbing his broad shoulders. Foley then guides Osama’s hand back to the voting machine with his firm yet gentle grip. The lever drops and Osama’s vote is cast. America’s fate is sealed.

We can’t allow the Democrats/terrorists to win next week and we shouldn’t let the gays influence this election. So vote Republican on Tuesday and I promise you that we’ll start working on this gay problem come Wednesday.

We Must Do What it Takes to Win

by Herman B. Hayes

Here we are readers, in the final stretch of the election cycle. We are solidly in the lead, and it looks like very little can stand in our way. So, while Satan-loving-leftists and their unfortunate children are dressing up as demons, ghouls and liberal ax murderers going door to door begging for food, let us take a moment to examine how we can make sure we win this year.

The fact of the matter is simple: Politics has nothing to do with how you play the game. I hear people telling their children that winning is not the important part of a competitive activity, and then they say some stupid little platitude about it being “how you play the game.” No, no, no, that is just some banal phrase that silly lefties use to explain to their children that it is ok to be a wishy-washy little doormat for my Republican children to wipe their blessed feet on.

Winning is, in fact, everything. Nothing that we do, as Republicans, is wrong or amoral if we win. You, the man on the street, can do so much to help our cause, and if you want to live in a free society where no one is allowed or encouraged to sodomize you every time you leave your house, you will.

There is nothing wrong with bending the truth in order to ensure a win. I personally am a big fan of having my people hang flyers for a Republican candidate on telephone poles in Democratic neighborhoods. Just make sure you put the wrong date on the flyer, and there you go. Even if someone with half a brain notices and complains, there will be no ramifications. Remember, it is not election “fraud” if you screw up a flyer for your own candidate. If all you liberals out there are too stupid to know that Election Day is November 8, 2007, then it is not my problem. That is right, Democrats, in case no one has mentioned it yet, you are expected to get out there and do your civic duty. See you at the polls on the eighth of November, I hope!

Urban areas are traditionally strongholds of the left, since they enjoy things such as drugs and prostitution. Aside from using the fake signs, another way to help keep down the vote in an urban area is to put up flyers offering "free chicken and a forty" with directions leading people away from polling places.

Remember, nothing we can do is wrong; we are the Party of God! God helps those who help themselves to the spoils of political victory. If we let the Democrats win, then all is lost. You will be subjected to depravity the likes of which the world has never seen. Death squads will be seen as a blessed relief by the time the sodomy squads, abortion squads, and Chomsky squads have had their way with you. Your children will be sent to “Evolution Schools” where all knowledge of the Bible and of God will be drummed out of their heads. Your job will be taken away, and given to someone who will tell you to “cleen ooot you desk, mang, ees meen now, mang”, and you will have no choice but to comply. “Vote for Pedro” shirts will no longer be a humorous item. Hippies will be allowed to eat in any restaurant they want, and they might even be able to share drinking fountains with us! We must not allow this to come to pass.

Get out there and suppress that vote, Christian Soldiers. There is only so much that Diebold and our other friends can do. The rest is up to us, and God.

Second Santorum Political Ad

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

It's nearly November and Bob Casey has apparently decided that a Senate seat is more important than a seat in Heaven. That's the only conclusion I can come to when I see Bob Casey continue to openly oppose Rick Santorum, a man the Lord is more than fond of.

In order to help right things we at Conservatives for American Values have decided to commission a second ad. If Casey insists on remaining in this race then he leaves us no choice but to expose him for who he really is.


Reelect Rick Santorum, for a less depraved Pennsylvania and a better America.