Tactical Firearms Training for the Maniacally Teabagged

Firearms training guru James Yeager is a manly, masculine, kind of man, the kind of man who spurts concentrated testosterone from every pore, the kind of man who can prompt hair to grow on a woman's breast by simply passing gas in her vicinity, the kind of man who hates with such blind, ball-scratching fury, he's destined to get his own show on Fox some day.

And there's two kinds of people Yeager hates: unhearlandishly-hued presidents and, uh, people:

I’m not fucking putting up with this. I’m not letting my country be ruled by a dictator. I’m not letting anybody take my guns! If it goes one inch further, I’m going to start killing people.

Ok, well, three kinds of people:

And all you fucking fair-weather Second Amendment people that are telling me I’m doing a fucking disservice by saying that I’m not going to stand for the tyranny, fuck you.

Make that four kinds of people:

Our country wasn’t founded by a bunch of fair-weather pussies. Either you’re in or you’re out, and if you’re out, don’t call yourself a fucking Second Amendment advocate.

And by God you better believe he can do it. As the CEO of Tactical Response Inc, Yeager not only eats, breaths, and engages in acts of unspeakably carnality with all manner of tactical firearms, he teaches courses like:

Fighting Pistol
2 Days

Details:
The root word to "gunfight" isn't "gun".
It is "FIGHT"!

and

Intermediate Distance Fighting Rifle
2 Days

Details:
...As you know from your Fighting Rifle class we train for close and fast gun fighting. In the Intermediate Distance class we progress from the CQB mindset to implementing the rifle at longer distances...We are going to teach you how to reliably hit human sized targets with a plain old Fighting Rifle.

But what if you need to defend yourself from a mile away?

High Risk Civilian Contractor-Sniper
5 days $1150.00

Details:
This 5 day course is taught by our cadre of seasoned active military and police snipers. We cover the skills required by anyone who wants to hit small targets at extended distances....We will cover known and unknown engagements out to 500 yards. We will teach you how to set up your weapon and gear for missions, cover care and cleaning of equipment and ammo selection for the job, and conduct graded stalks and courses of fire. We want you to leave this course a newly trained sniper that can complete the mission and get home safely

He'll even teach you how to rid your neighborhood of those pesky Muslims:

Active Shooter Mobile
2 days $ 500.00

Details:
The threat of a depressed student, disgruntled employee, or Islamic terrorist is REAL. This course teaches the police officer or armed citizen the tactics needed to end the violence quickly and efficiently...

In the past these have been our home grown psychopaths and sociopaths but there are other dangers. Many people have seen scenes from the "al-Qaeda Training Tapes" but the horrors of what they are planning on doing in America are far worse than the clips of the evening news.

And, finally, for those who need to learn both how to kill and how to pack a bag lunch:

Combative Pistol
2 days
Topics covered in this course will include:

Rapid presentation from concealed carry
Effective gun handling technques, designed to work under stress
Rapid reloading techniques
High Speed accuracy at close ranges
Precision shooting at mid-ranges
Shooting effectively with one hand, with either hand
Fixing malfunctions rapidly and reliably
Proper defensive mindset, personal tactics, and more
Bag Lunch

British Seminarians Barred from Hitting on Der Pöpenführer in Mexican

I don't understand why The Thinking Housewife's Don Vincenzo is so angry that seminarians at St. Mary’s College, Oscott, won't be allowed to get their mass on with Der Pöpenführer in Mexican. They're English, dammit.

The pope’s visit to St. Mary’s College, Oscott, once the premiere Catholic seminary in England, tells you all you need to know. Oscott has refused a request for the Latin Mass by seminarians, despite the pope’s 2007 apostolic letter, Summorum Pontificum, which requires that any faithful group’s request for the Extraordinary Form be accommodated.

The rot within the Church is profound; yet, it never fails to astound me just how deep it runs.

Demons Surf Santorum Tides

Joseph Sciambra
Ex-Gay Porn Star
Disciple of Jesus and the Heterosexual Lifestyle

Dear Brother Sciambra,

I see that the wicked are mocking you for preaching that little demon-Americans are conceived during acts of anal sex. I may be able to help you refute their taunts by providing biblical support for your claim.

Few people know that a more complete, more ancient version of the Book of Luke was found in Egypt during the recent uprising there. Although it hasn't been fully translated yet, Chapter Eight is complete.

Luke 8 26-33 (the newly discovered "Lost Verses" verses are italicized):

26: And they arrived at the country of the Gadarenes, which is over against Galilee.

27: And when he went forth to land, there met him out of the city a certain man, which had devils long time, and ware no clothes, neither abode in any house, but in the tombs.

27a: And Jesus asked Peter, "who is this man?"

27b: Peter spake in reply, "It is he who saw me and Thomas after we dranketh the seven goat bladders of wine thou transformed from the water you drew from the Samaritan's well.

27c: Peter's words angered Jesus. "Me damn it," shoutethed our Lord, you drank all seven of the goatbladders of water-wine. I was saving that for Mary Magdeline, so that she might heed my pleas to knoweth her in her secret parts in the manner of the warriors of Sparta.

27d: "But Lord," respondethed Peter, "Mary wouldst not drink that wine for it tasted like a Samaritan's secret parts."

27e: And Jesus asked Peter: "Why would devils take this man for simply seeing you and Thomas drink all my me-damned wine?"

27f: And Peter confessed unto the Lord: " Thomas and I got exceedingly drunketh and committed diverse acts in each others secret parts, yeah, even sinking our little camels deep inside the other's secret parts and thrusting our hips to and fro and in a circular fashion."

27g: And the santorum flowed with great force out of our secret parts and formed great pools upon the ground"

27h: And devils were birthed in the pools of santorum.

27i; And the devils rose out of the pools and splashed themselves over this man in a manner that tempted Thomas and me to send our little camels into each other's secret parts, again, making lakes, and yea, seas of santorum to birth all manner of devils.

27j "Verily," spake Jesus, "this man needeth my help and a thorough scrubbing. I shall approach him."

28: When the man saw Jesus, he cried out, and fell down before him, and with a loud voice said, What have I to do with thee, Jesus, thou Son of God most high? I beseech thee, torment me not.

29: (For he had commanded the unclean spirit to come out of the man. For oftentimes it had caught him: and he was kept bound with chains and in fetters; and he brake the bands, and was driven of the devil into the wilderness.)

30: And Jesus asked him, saying, What is thy name? And he said, Legion: because many devils were entered into him.

31: And they besought him that he would not command them to go out into the deep.

32: And there was there an herd of many swine feeding on the mountain: and they besought him that he would suffer them to enter into them. And he suffered them.

33: Then went the devils out of the man, and entered into the swine: and the herd ran violently down a steep place into the lake, and were choked.

33a: And Peter and Thomas looked upon the running swine's secret parts and were well pleased.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Of Morning Glory and Molly's Nipple

Johnny Revill
Council Member
City of Lehi, Utah

Dear Brother Revill,

I was angry when I first heard that you had emasculated Morning Glory Road by renaming it. "Why," I wondered, "would a good man, a man who serves our Heavenly Father as an LDS High Councilman and a contributor to the Miss Lehi Pageant, do something as femunistofascistic as strip a street of a good, masculine, morning wood moniker?"

Then, I saw how you had tricked those who demanded the change. It was pure genius to rename the street, "Morning Vista Road," after the place where we god-fearing soldiers of the heterosexual lifestyle stand while peering through a window to get a glimpse of our neighbor's mighty morning staffs.

I'm wondering if you could use your skills to butch up a few other places in Utah. Wouldn't we all enjoy Molly's Nipple more if it was called "Glen Beck's Magnificent Man Teat" or "Limbaugh's Leaky Pilonidal Cyst?" I sure think so; don't you?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

This Week in Responsible Gun Ownership

The days leading up to and including the first week of 2013, once again, demonstrated America's well-regulated militia's commitment to responsible gun ownership. Here's a partial list of  incidents occurring over the last ten days or so:

• Patriot stands his ground against his own scary-looking arm, shoots it, then applies beer as analgesic to sooth the pain of his bicep's treachery.
• A patriotically liquored-up birthday boy shoots buzzkilling busy-body who attempts to infringe on god-given right to grope random women. 
• Real Merakin fends off Jarritos Tamarindo Soda invasion.
• Off-duty police employs lethal force against her own hand after it fails to comply with a lawful order.
• Aspiring future vice-president shoots friend in face with shotgun.
• Man shot in shootout with suspicious-looking new year.
• Duck hunting heartlander refuses to let goddamn rookies stand between him and his quarry.
• Policeman banks submachinegun rounds to drop angry woman in corner pocket.
• A jug of moonshine, a 16 gauge shotgun, and thou.
• Apparently, man responds to his communist knee's attempt to "dialectically materialize me or something."
• Nine-year-old boy celebrates Ted Nugent's Spirit of the Wild by bagging fellow 9-year-old's arm.
• Another scary-looking hand thwarted while pursuing nefarious activities.

A Prophetic Revelation Fulfilled

Yesterday, on the 3rd of January in the year of our Lord 2013, Our Lady of the The Amazing Gold Dust Showering Glory Ring of Cuban Renewal, the beloved prophetess Jennifer Lynn Joy, finally published her "prophetic revelation" for 2013, and praise our Great and Terrible Jesus, it's already been fulfilled.

She begins by noting a number of events that brought about the prophecy's fulfilment, including: "Planets Align...Stars Ricochet...Moons Explode...Scepter Extended...Camels Ride...Joy Synchronizes...Time Stretches...Gravity Pulls...Perspective Spheres."

And then, THE PROPHECY IS FULFILLED: "2013 Arrives on time."

I'm disappointed. Her Miracle of the Incredible Ice-Melting Salt was much more impressive.

Exorcising C-Span's George Carlin Demon

For awhile there, I thought C-Span may have been liberated by the proud patriots of the 101st "Fighting Keyboarders" Blogging Brigade. Hell, I was ready to recommend them all to receive neo-conservatism's greatest honor, The Cheetos-Stained Briefs of Valor with Chocolate Clusters. They surely deserved it when they labeled C-Span's Fiscal Cliff coverage as "I Want You to Shut the F#ck Up" and video of communistocornderivativesfacist Sen. Tom Harkin (D-Reason) as "Just Plain Dick."

But then I read that Tucker Carlson's crack team of citizen journalists at The Daily Caller had scooped everyone with the honest to God truth about the incidents--C-Span had been hacked.

Later, "Carlson's Crackers," as the Daily Caller's news warriors are known, updated their story after reading a post at C-Span God-hating blog:

During the New Year’s “fiscal cliff” debates, our 100% commitment to cover the House and Senate live caused frequent interruptions to our previously scheduled programming. As such, on some occasions our pre-written TV schedule was not in sync with what was actually live on the air. When this happened, live congressional debate was accompanied by incorrect TV schedule information. Unfortunately, two of our previously scheduled BookTV programs had titles that some might find offensive.