Anxiety in verse
The rumble of ominous thunder announces the pending approach.
A lingering, menacing spectre, taking hold and squeezing your throat.
You foolishly think you have time to prepare for your terrible fate
But your countermeasures are no match, and anyway you’ve left them too late.
With sudden ferocity it’s on you – your intellect can’t help you now.
You struggle to maintain perspective, but while drowning you can’t figure how.
It hits you with force, a hundred foot wave, delivering a great crushing blow
Sucking your breath, breaking your thoughts, a rushing adrenaline flow.
Once hit you are shaken, your muscles weak, the trembling spreads like a vine
Wrapped in its tendrils, kidnapping your will, distorting and disrupting time.
It takes hold of your throat, in a strangling grip, till you find you barely can swallow.
Your heart tries escaping, right out from your chest, your lungs feel like they might follow.
You wonder if everyone’s looking, thinking “What’s wrong with them, are they ill?”
You hope you just might, with tremendous effort, find a way to appear at least still.
And during this hell, which can drag on all day, or all week if you’re in quite a state
Nobody around you has the slightest damn clue what an effort it takes to seem straight.
With each passing moment, you wonder if now you’ll just vomit all over your shoes
But somehow you stay upright, even though you’re on fire, you rely on your will to get through.
It’s not that uncommon, in the midst of this angst, to be dripping with sweat from your brow
And your mind will do thought-loops, thrashing over itself, you’ll wish it would just settle down.
If you’ve not felt anxiety, hear it from me, this is not something upon you I’d wish.
I could never imagine, before I first had one, how horrific a panic attack is.
So if someone you know has told you before, this is something they deal with in life
Don’t think them weak, for their strength is enormous, as it need be to deal with this strife.
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On public displays of vulnerability
I’ve been adrift of late. I had stayed the course on fair winds for much of my life, navigating my way successfully from one planned waypoint to the next, dealing with the occasional storm quite well and never doubting my ability to steer through the tempests of life.
But then I seemed to lose my way. I still had sight of my broad destinations, and ports I wanted to visit along the way, but I seemed to lose my confidence and my will. Each new day no longer held the promise of the wonder of adventure, but rather the monotony of maintaining the ship. I stopped looking to the horizon.
I made a decision last year, after I had faced my first panic-attack monster, that I would share this journey publicly in the hope that someone else may in some way benefit from my experience. I already know some people who have, as they’ve recognised in themselves the tell-tale signs of pending storms in their own lives which they’ve decided to actively navigate around rather than just hope them away. I’m happy with that – it feels like there’s a purpose.
The down side is that in the midst of any storm one can become intensely absorbed in the process of surviving. This tends to cut communications with your loved-ones, and leave you all feeling isolated and afraid. It can also make you send up distress flares in panic, as you feel you’re surely about to capsize and drown, and these affect those around you who care.
I’m working hard on myself to reclaim what I had. I’m fully aware of the wonderful things I have in my life – my beautiful, incredible children, my amazing wife, a family who’d literally lay down their lives for me, and friends who’ve come to mean the world to me. I know there’s so much to be thankful for, and these things make the battle worth fighting.
This afternoon I have my first appointment with a psychologist. It’s both exciting and scary, and I’m trying to keep my anxiety under control. I don’t want to build up too many expectations, as I know it’s likely to be a long process – learning to be me again. In the meantime, if you’ve reached out to me, if you’ve offered a quiet word of encouragement or taken or more active role – I want to you to know, you have made an enormous difference, more than you’re likely to ever know. Thank you. xo
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Value
I’m struggling with self-worth today, which has been an ongoing theme for a while. I have roles to play which are important to people – my role as a father, a husband, a cog in the machine at work – but the value of these roles isn’t a value of me, but the function I fulfill.
There are people – good people – who care, who understand, but they have their lives. I’m not valuable to them, beyond my role as a fellow human and to some, a friend. I worry about overstepping and scaring them away. I don’t want to be a burden, or more trouble than my role as a friend is worth. I don’t want to be toxic. So I’m careful what I say. I hold much back, because their value to me is enormous. They are my tethers to the world I know. They keep me from the other world I’ve only glimpsed, the world which scares me.
There’s this rolling pit of snakes where my stomach should be. I’m alone in a battle nobody can see. I’m back where I was at sixteen, when I wanted nothing more than to be valued by someone. To have a connection.
Everything I do is empty and pointless. It’s just surviving. Paying the bills. Marking time. I have no impact on anyone. Nobody is better off because of me. No victories are celebrated, not even by me. There isn’t time. And I can’t get excited anymore anyway.
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