Take me to your breeder

Posted on October 12, 2012 by Mark A. Rayner

Klaktron XII and Wendy Klaktron XII was the Hyper-Commander of the United Federation of Incredibly Regular Planets Space Vessel, Cheeznip. His was a storied career. He’d eaten ultrasonic oysters in the Seafood Nebula, and lived to tell the tale (in five-part harmony). He’d fought the Mighty Slorg at the Interstellar Buffet of Shame and All-You-Can Ingest Space Bacon, narrowly escaping with a portion of the coveted Prime Rib. (Only served on Wednesdays.) And of course, he’d single-handedly defeated the Whiffle-Bat Armada of the Planet Cuddles.

But he’d never fallen in love.

Alltop was admiral of the Whiffle-Bat Armada. Photo via Twisted Vintage. Originally published, May 2010.

Self-improvement through time travel. Zombie walks gone bad. Jesus fights dinosaurs. Robots experience ennui. Just some of the stories in critically aclaimed Pirate Therapy and Other Cures. Get it on Kindle for $3.03 and paperback for $7.98!

Classic miscommunication

Posted on October 10, 2012 by Mark A. Rayner

woman with snake in sink He’d met her at a bar uptown, and she seemed like a classy dame, but there was something odd about her.

When she’d said, “you know Lance, I’d really like to show you my sink, and you could play with the snake,” he thought it was just a euphemism.

But no. Horribly, no.

Alltop thinks euphemism is a kind of coughing disease. Awesome pic via Twisted Vintage. Originally published in November, 2010.

Ask General Kang: The Home Edition

Posted on October 9, 2012 by Mark A. Rayner

Ask General Kang (home edition) The walls of my house are bleeding, and I keep finding an ax next to my bed when I wake up in the middle of the night to the sound of bells. Do you have any idea what color I should paint my kitchen?

I guess that all depends on if the walls there are bleeding. If so, I’d go with a nice arterial red. Otherwise, I really like . . . wait a minute, do you live in a firehall? Because, if you do, then you’ll have to check with the regulations to see what colors you can use.

Otherwise, yellow.

I’m not happy with the way poltergeists are rearranging the furniture.

You need to find a way to fire them. When I was Overlord of Beltron IX (the all-gorilloid planet) I had a Major Domo who was a royal pain the nether-regions, if you get my drift. Now, like your poltergeists, he came with the house, so I couldn’t just ask him to leave. I checked out the paperwork in the offer, and there was no disclosure about his position, so I sued the agent, the previous owners and the city (just to be thorough). When that didn’t work I sent them all work in Beltron IX’s infamous bulemium mines. I hired a nice bonobo to do all the housework, and the place was great after that.

(Except for the 6 o’clock poo-flinging.)

Um, I think I may have a cockroach problem. Either that or there’s a decomposing body in my basement. What should I do?

I sincerely hope it’s the previous owner, moldering in your crawlspace. If it is cockroaches, you have two possible solutions — sell the house (just make sure you don’t sell it to me) or have an exterminator try to get rid of them. I had a similar problem on Numneuts XII, and we ended up having to glass the planet. I have some spare nukes lying around if you have to go that route.

Don’t believe the myth — fission will kill a cockroach.

Next time: All your base are belong to us.

Alltop is also under construction. Originally published in August, 2008.

Professor Quippy: This Thanksgiving It’s Velociraptor

Posted on October 8, 2012 by Mark A. Rayner

Professor Quippy The dreaded velociraptor is looking less and less like a Spielbergian nightmare, and more like something you could safely serve with cranberries.

New research into the fossilized forearm discovered in Mongolia in 1998 by The American Museum of Natural History and the Field Museum of Natural History shows that the velociraptor probably had feathers. The arm has small bumps that in modern birds are called “quill knobs.” (Stop giggling.)

Quill knobs are not geeky writers (though it would be a great way to describe some of us), but are, according to the Beeb:

… the locations where secondary feathers, the flight or wing feathers, are anchored to the bone with ligaments.

Despite what we saw in Jurassic Park, the velociraptor was much smaller, though probably still a fearsome predator. However, it was more like the size of a turkey than a human being.

Though it was the size of our modern day turkey, scientists are still trying to solve the mystery of why it tasted like chicken.

Alltop enjoys Deep-Fried Velociraptor. Originally published in September 2007, when this article came out on the BBC: Velociraptor dino ‘had feathers’. P.S. To all my American readers, here in Canada we celebrate Thanksgiving in October, while it’s still nice out.