Parents! Have you ever wanted to rip your kids from the dastardly public school system, but worried that your own lack of education (and terrible laziness) would turn your children into raving dolts? Well worry no more, as a website for LGBT people with mental health issues in New Zealand (there really is a home for everyone on the World Wild Web!) points us to the following letter to the editor from 14-year-old Jasmin H., who proves handily that home-schooling your children leads inexorably to wisdom, logic, and insight. Jasmin weaves together a plethora of data points in a tour de force that explains that since the Romans did homo stuff in each other’s butts, evolution proves that being gay makes you compete with ducks, if evolution were a thing which it obviously isn’t. Let us gaze upon it in wonder together, after the jump! READ MORE »
Wise Teen Girl Proves Benefits Of Home-Schooling: Being Gay Turns You Into A Duck
Sundays With The Christianists: The Sun Never Sets On This ‘World History’ Textbook For Home-Schoolers
Huzzah! We’ve reached the Victorian Era in our 10th-grade World History textbook, World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective. Funny how so much of the best world history in this book just happens to be British history, isn’t it? We’ll assume this is simple Anglophilia on the part of the editors, with no theological implications, but who knows! Last week we covered the happy-go-lucky job creators of the Industrial Revolution, and this week, it’s on to other notable achievements of Victorian England, such as Victoria herself, who was the Bestest Monarch Evar, and Imperialism, which brought the blessings of civilzation and the Gospel to undeserving savages around the world. READ MORE »
Bankers, Please Feel Free To Stab Any Cab Driver You Wish
When we were a little kid and someone asked us the inevitable “what do you want to be when you grow up?” we usually said something like “a movie star!” But in retrospect, we probably should have said “gainfully employed,” or, in the event that we were aiming super high, “a banker!” because bankers appear to have one of the best gigs on earth: it’s gravy all day long, what with all the taxpayer bailouts and Cayman Islands bank accounts, and, as we’ve just learned, bankers can even get away with mundane crimes like stabbing ethnic cab drivers.
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Meet Your New Diebold!
Hey, remember when they stole Ohio? Hahaha, yeah, good times. (Here is a quick story explainering the bizarre discrepancies between exit polls, which showed John Kerry winning handily, and the tabulated results, which flipped that. It has the special bonus of world’s greatest pollster Dick Morris musing that since exit polls are like never wrong, and are used in Third World countries to determine if an election’s been thieved, Occam’s Razor insists that the easiest answer is not that the machines were hacked, but that the liberal media fixed … the exit polls. To dissuade Bush voters from coming out. A man of fierce intellect, most certainly.) Right, so! It is time to meet your new Diebold machines, from H.I.G., a company of fine fellows who to the man have donated to Mitt Romney, and a full third of whose board of directors come from Bain? Oh yeah, them. READ MORE »
Five Shockingly Living People Who Endorsed Mitt Romney
The Washington Free Beacon lists the five most amazingly Romney-endorsing “celebrities” of the 2012 cycle, and let me tell you, guys, these people are all somehow still alive, probably.
1. Lindsay Lohan
The “Mean Girls” star and all-around party girl recently announced that she was voting for Romney. “I just think employment is really important now,” Lohan said to noted news network E!. “So, as of now, Mitt Romney. As of now.”
As of now, she says. When the DTs hit, she’ll gladly vote for whoever runs to the nearest liquor store, but that’s a separate issue.
It is not clear why a Republican would trumpet the endorsement of Lindsay Lohan, who was pretty much in Mean Girls, then Samantha Ronson’s pants, then a pile of cocaine so large Tony Montana simply Biden-grins at it. Anyway, congrats to Mitt Romney. For now.
Pollster’s Mean Questions Make Big Tough Conservatives Weep
Public Policy Polling has separated itself from the other polling outfits through one simple trick: Its polls include weird questions. It’s how we found out, for example, that God had a 52-percent approval rating last year, and that only 19 percent of GOP voters polled believed Obama was going to heaven.
They are not questions of any dire importance, which is why it’s easy to chuckle at the results and move on to the ones that actually tell us real things. But this time … this time Dean Debnam and company have gone a bridge too far: They asked 979 likely Wisconsin voters how they felt about “conservative media figures.”
Bias! Outrage! Somebody have a freakout! READ MORE »
A Children’s Treasury of Butthurt Reactions To Joe Biden’s Debate Demeanor
Say, did you notice that Joe Biden was just a little interrupty in the VP Debate? We are given to understand that Old Handsome Joe’s performance made a bit of a stir among some of the more sensitive souls on the right side of the political spectrum. (You see, when a Republican puts on an angry threat display, it proves his “alpha male” status. When a Dem does something similar, it is the end of civility as we know it, and poo must be flung.)
The Wingosphere is experiencing such a tsunami of tsuris over Mean Joe that we can only skim the surface in this post; no doubt we will miss some of your personal favorites. So it goes. Let’s see whose delicate sensibilities have been ruffled by the Veep-Hulk: READ MORE »
Rick Santorum Doesn’t Care If You Murder Your Tiny Little Unborn Baby
Smegma-lipped poutmonster Rick Santorum has declared what side he is on, and it is the side of murdering tiny little babies in their mommy’s stomachs. What? you are saying, because you have been paying some attention over the years as Rick Santorum has declared himself God’s handmaiden and apostle (both!) in the fight to make sure you sluts are punished blessed with your Rape Gifts. But no, it is true! According to Rick Santorum, stopping fag marriage is more important than stopping ‘bortions. Why does Rick Santorum want to murder your unborn child? READ MORE »
Old Bald Liberal Jews Mistake Congressional Debate For WWE Ring (Video)
Brad Sherman and Howard Berman are almost indistinguishable. They are old liberal Jewish Democrats who both voted for the Iraq war (but still try to ding the other for voting for the Iraq war? Come on, guys), and they are both sitting members of Congress representing Los Angeles’s San Fernando Valley. (You remember the Valley from movies like Valley Girl and songs like, um, Valley Girl.) But then a quirk of fate (or the redistricting commission) forced them to run against each other for a newly created seat, and now it is like a comedic Hollywood movie! Yesterday, shortly before Joe Biden raped poor Paul Ryan in his bottom, the two candidates met for some quality get-in-your-facetime, and Brad Sherman basically tried to headlock Howard Berman while shouting at him “YOU WANNA GET IN MY FACE?” and some other stuff, like George W. Bush pretending he was Hud and shouting “You wanna go mano-a-mano old man???” And then an alert copper (we presume he’s a sheriff’s deputy, based on his uniform) was like, you know, I think I will do some keeping of the peace. Gentlemen? Please stop the manhandling. BOO! READ MORE »
Gallaudet University’s Diversity Officer Not Really A Fan Of Diverse People
Not all is well at Gallaudet University, D.C.’s college for the deaf and hard of hearing.
The problem is from Dr. Angela McCaskill, GU’s associate provost of diversity and inclusion — she’s got an ax to grind, rather inconveniently for her, with diversity and inclusion.
Though the GU president is on video describing McCaskill as a “long-time devoted advocate of social justice and equity causes,” it recently came out that McCaskill signed a petition against Maryland’s gay-marriage law, coming up as a ballot measure in November.
How could this happen? How could the same lady who, as the Washington Post explains, “helped to open a resource center on campus for sexual minorities,” have views against gay marriage? You will never, ever guess her reason.
Just kidding. It’s church. READ MORE »
Adorable Right-Wing Group NFIB Displays Feminine Side By Expressing Support For Breast Cancer, Legitimate Rape
We spent most of our lives thinking that breast cancer sucks — our mother is a breast cancer survivor, after all — but apparently we were just thinking small, blinded to the huge political opportunity that breast cancer presents for misogynist shitbags who want to appear pro-woman without actually doing anything pro-woman. Take, for example, the NFIB (National Federal of Independent Businesses), an adorable far-right business association which spends most of its time suing Obamacare and calling Teddy Kennedy “public enemy No. One,” and which is funding the campaigns of Todd “Legitimate Rape” Akin and Ed “Life-Begins-at-Conception” Emery. The NFIB! They’re so cute! READ MORE »
Florida To Get Flaming Tap Water, Officially Become Hell
The oil-drilling technique known as fracking has caused its share of controversy the past few years: Maybe it causes radioactive rivers, maybe it’s marine life to blame. Maybe it causes earthquakes, maybe that’s the Dallas Cowboys special teams squad.
It also, though, looks to pretty obviously cause methane contamination leading to flaming tap water, and you know what that means — it’s perfect for Florida.
Oil companies have been romancing Florida’s government for the better part of the year, according to the Southwest Florida News-Press, and are offering the state a chance to take one more step in some kind of prolonged costume contest in which Florida will win a bottle of popcorn-flavored vodka if it can look like the setting of Book of Eli. READ MORE »
Vice-Presidential Debate Live-Bloog: Paul ‘The Kid’ Ryan Takes On Old Handsome Joe
What’s this, Sara Benincasa is joining us tonight, in our domicile? Does she have hair to braid? We will soon find out!
In the meantime, here is the first and last nice thing we will most likely say about Paul Ryan tonight: Paul Ryan sends copies of NOBUMMER’s birth certificate to any constituent who writes him all “WHAR KENYA WHAR,” and even before Obummer released his long-form certificate, Ryan’s office sent to those same “folks” a copy of the Hawaiian registrar’s statement about the Communist usurper’s live birth. And we think that is terrific, for reals! (GENTLEMANLY.) (We mean us.) (We’re done now though.) (Don’t worry.) (WARBLOG!!!!!)
Also too, before we start, here’s your damn drinking game:
If you are in California, Washington, DC, New York, or any of the other civilized states, smoke some legal marijuana before the debate commences.
As to the rest of you, we will occasionally yell at you DRINK for any or no reason at all. (But seriously, if Joey calls “Mr.” Ryan “junior” or “sonny” or “kiddo” or “boy,” you may do the Hokey Pokey and finish the bottle in feral joy.) And that’s it! We can’t say to drink if OHJB says “God love ya” or talks about Scranton or the Violence Against Women Act, or cries when telling the story of his family, or says “literally” about something figurative, or is magnificently romantic to Dr. Jill, because we will not be liable for your alcohol poisoning. So, you know, just use your worst judgment, and we’ll see you at nine. READ MORE »
Mitt Romney: None Of You Poors Die, I Think?
Mitt Romney, in his relentless effort to win over the liberal media by telling them strings of words that make it sound like he’s thinking, talked to the Columbus Dispatch yesterday about healthcare. Perhaps the most controversial part of Romney’s healthcare plan (haha, we kid, Romney has no plan) is getting rid of Obamacare’s preexisting guarantee coverage. How, then, will Romney deal with that?
Romney, in a meeting with The Dispatch’s editorial board, said those who currently don’t carry insurance would have a chance to make a “choice” to be covered without fear of being denied. But he didn’t specify how long Americans would have to make that choice, or what would happen to those who chose not to be covered and later fell sick.
This is a rather smart way of dealing with people who have preexisting conditions on a particular date, then laughing at everyone else who didn’t discover their liver cancer until after Mitt Romney said it was okay. But what about everyone else? What if I decide to metastasize my tumor later on? Never fear, there’s a plan there, too!
Should You Give An Opinion On Rape?
Man, it is like you cannot even tenderly explain that “some girls, they rape so easy” without everyone making a FEDERAL CASE OUT OF IT. Paul Ryan is the latest fair-weather friend to drop an endorsement of poor misunderstood Wisconsin Rep. Roger Rivard, just for explaining his own father’s nuanced words of wisdom about how there may be hazy, ambiguous times when there is miscommunication about consent chicks will pretty much lie you to prison. We, as feminists in good standing, are happy to stipulate that in fact a girl lying about rape is possible, and in fact has happened at some points in history and in great literature! When we were explaining to our son about rape, though, we forgot to advise him to watch out lest bitchez accuse him of it some day, and just told him he was not to do it. So that is probably why it seems weird to us that by Rivard’s account his father didn’t seem too terribly concerned with making sure his son didn’t, say, actually rape people, but instead was being all like Kantian and/or postmodern about perception and stuff!
“What the whole genesis of it was, it was advice to me, telling me, ‘If you’re going to go down that road, you may have consensual sex that night and then the next morning it may be rape.’ So the way he said it was, ‘Just remember, Roger, some girls, they rape so easy. It may be rape the next morning,’” Rivard told the Journal Sentinel.
But let us get to the important question: Should you give an opinion on rape? Let’s explore the answer in a safe place, after the jump! READ MORE »
