Well with a name like that, he’ll fit right in in Australia… Monty Python is a documentary, right?
Bruce, The Quisling Report (otherwise known as GayPatriot): A World Away
Hey, as a blog writer I get it. Sometimes you’re off on vacation, needing to check up on your white slavery ring, or just ensuring the vast machinations of your worldwide communist revolution are successfully completing the schemes within schemes needed to prepare the land for the coming of the Antichrist. And so you throw up a quick picture of combine harvesters fucking and a quick paragraph about the quality of the local rent boys.
I’m not slagging on Bruce writing up a quick open thread and posting some vacation photos to it.
I’m more baffled on the state of mind that could possibly produce this paragraph.
I see news of next year’s “fiscal cliff” is finally getting through from the mainstream media today. Well, financial concern is one of the reasons for my travel binge the past two weeks. Just in case.
And it’s not even the entire paragraph that I have issue with. Sure, the first sentence is dumb, but I can at least put together the tiny frayed end of what was once a thread of “logic”. He saw some Fox News talking head telling him to be really really scared that the Economy will super-tank unless we vote for the Party that tanks economies and he obediently soiled himself.
I get that.
It’s just this:
Well, financial concern is one of the reasons for my travel binge the past two weeks. Just in case.
How?!?
How in Bill Nye’s Satanic Centrifuge does that even begin to make sense?
Has there ever been a real human being on the planet who has ever thought that?
Who’s gone, “Gosh geewhilikers Sandra, I’m just so gosh-darned concerned that the economy is tanked, my financial situation may be precarious, and it’s very possible we could be in dire straits soon. Welp, let’s spend a massive amount of money on a huge vacation trip. Yanno, just in case?”
People in the death throes of the final culmination of their multiple syphilitic symptoms who are just randomly banging letters on a keyboard couldn’t even type these words. The last remaining synapse of their dying brain would mercifully cut off their oxygen supply before they got halfway just to protect them from the embarrassment of writing something so inhumanely out-of-touch with basic humanity.
The Smiler talking to a closed room of rich amoral sociopaths wouldn’t even say a sentence like that.
It’s so bizarrely fascinating that I find myself utterly transfixed, struggling to translate the seed of an idea that could have been twisted into this current abomination.
Perhaps money worries being stressful despite being so rich you can drop down on 2 weeks in Australia to get the equivalent of a spa trip or a long bath? Obama time-travelers are planning to steal his money on the day of the Election, but they can’t steal it if it’s already been translated into dingo kidneys (that’s the Australian currency, right?)? Planning to escape the Antichrist-induced Apocalypse by hiding among the giant poisonous spiders and over-sexed bunnies?
GIVE ME SOMETHING, BRUCE!
Sigh.
Wingnuts. Somehow incapable of posting a simple “On vacation, entertain yourselves” post without at least one psychotic break from reality.
Robert Stacy McCain and/or His Live-In Gimp Smitty, The Slightly More White Supremacist McCain: Do You Believe the Ohio Polls?
It’s been an interesting weekcouple of weekscampaign life for The Smiler this last while now. Between gleefully cheering the events in Libya in the hopes of turning it into his Iran Hostage Crisis (forgetting the all important role CONTRAs have in bribing a group of foreign terrorists to throw you an election) and declaring that people are parasites if they think they have a right not to starve to death in the streets, The Smiler has taken whatever small chance of winning this election he might have had and fired it into the sun. Even with the resurgence of Jim Crow bullshit voter suppression laws, “poll defender” vigilante crews vowing to intimidate voters, and daily sacrifices to Beelzebub the Hanger of Chads, Romney is polling somewhere below Candiru fish.
Heck, Five Thirty Eight has The Smiler’s chances of winning at around 16.2% and even the Fox News polls are saying it looks like we’re about to get a repeat of the Obama/Keyes race.
Now for wingnuts, who have spent decades convincing themselves that their 27% compatriots speak for a vast silent majority that think exactly like them, these polls serve as a violent reminder of reality and really there is only three ways for them to react to the harrowing likelihood of a second ScaryBlackMan term.
1) Realize that they are the discarded refuse of history and its far beyond time they learned to grow up and accept the world as is instead of the half-remembered nostalgias of child-BWAHAHA, yeah, I can’t keep a straight face. This will never happen.
2) Prepare their Kool-Aid dispensers and tin-foil hats for another 4 years of ensuring that anything the black man wants to do is adamantly opposed by whatever dirty tricks the Legislature can throw at him.
3)
Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):
Polls and the very act of polling are a conspiracy of lies working against Republicans and thus we must oppose them and seek to destroy them and replace them with “balance” with the same fervor we have against all other sources of information about the so-called real world.
Oi. This election season. I mean, every time the Smiler opens his mouth is a wonderful gift from Snark Heaven, but boy howdy is it tanking the usual output from the psychotics and the sociopaths. So many endless reams of run-of-the-mill IT’S ALWAYS PROJECTION as the right wing loses any and all hope of convincing themselves that they are going to stop the endless gulags of our Nigger in Chief.
It’s not that these posts aren’t still insane. It’s just that they are so very defeated, not bothering with the interesting novelty that makes right-wing dementia so… unique to behold. Where is that old can-do moxie?
Oh, hey, what’s that? It’s our old reliable friends at American Thinker with some fine aged wisdom for us.
Shorter (or the second to last port before Jungle):
Slut slut slut slut. Slut slut slut slut. Sluttity slut, sluttity slut!
Alternate Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):
Ignorance is the best defense against unwanted pregnancies and STDs. P.S. Every single woman who admits sex exists is a dirty filthy slut who must be climbing into every rubbish bin she can find to sate her insatiable thirst for cum.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Fluberts of all ages, you are about to bear witness to possibly the greatest shorter in the history of shorters.
Ready?
Go.
Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):
Gluttonous, slothful, irresponsible and entitled: Today’s “poor” are the “rich” Jesus warned us about.
Know what the best part of this is? I didn’t write it. Not one solitary word. Nor did I just grab a damning verbatim from the middle of the post because it really synthesizes the stupid.
Nope, this really was, quite literally**, the post’s actual shorter. As in below the fold, before the hundred thousand YouTube videos and unnecessary BOLDING OF RANDOM SENTENCES. Innumeracy and bizarre biblical reference included.
I-
I can’t top that.
I just can’t. Oh sure, I could give the post a full treatment. There’s a lot to work with. I think my “favorite” is at the end where she directly blames the citizens of New Orleans for Katrina because having the motto “Let the Good Times Roll” somehow caused Bush to ignore the Army Corps of Engineers’ strongly-worded recommendation to reinforce the levees.
But everything I could possibly add would be a faint echo compared to the sheer… majesty of Kathy Shaidle’s unintentional self-satire.
ABOVE: The most widely-mocked facial hair not on a Taliban
Shorter Mr. Mustache, The For Chrissakes New Fucking York Fucking Times: Look In Your Mirror*
I know you are but what am I?
space
Alternate Shorter Mr. Mustache, The For Chrissakes New Fucking York Fucking Times: Look In Your Mirror*
So’s Your Face!!
space
Second Alternate Shorter Mr. Mustache, The For Chrissakes New Fucking York Fucking Times: Look In Your Mirror*
But, Dad, they started it!
Shamed perhaps finally out of building entire columns from the things that imaginary, but oddly perceptive, cab drivers allegedly told him on the autoroute between Charles de Gaulle Airport and the George V, Mr. Mustache is now basing columns on signs he has seen Arab demonstrators hold up on the TeeVee. And they have made Mr. Mustache very mad.
[O]ne of the Egyptian demonstrators outside the American Embassy, Khaled Ali, [was] justifying last week’s violent protests by declaring: “We never insult any prophet — not Moses, not Jesus — so why can’t we demand that Muhammad be respected?” Mr. Ali, a 39-year-old textile worker, was holding up a handwritten sign in English that read: “Shut Up America.”
Because Mr. Mustache, as one of the very important people, is pretty much the same thing as America, Mr. Mustache takes this sign very personally.
[W]e need to make two things very clear — more clear than President Obama’s team has made them. One is that an insult — even one as stupid and ugly as the anti-Islam video on YouTube that started all of this — does not entitle people to go out and attack embassies and kill innocent diplomats. That is not how a proper self-governing people behave. There is no excuse for it. It is shameful.
Yea, because Obama was like totally sympathetic to the people who killed the ambassador and said that due to his own Muslim beliefs no action at all would be taken against his fellow jihadists. In fact, Obama said that he was planning to invite the assassins to spend a night in the Lincoln Bedroom and attend Muslim prayer services in the Oval Office on the following morning complete with the ritual beheading of a few Crusaders from the State Department. You know, Mr. Mustache has said lots of idiotic things but saying that Obama hasn’t condemned the assassins clearly enough takes not just the cake but the whole fucking platter and table that the cake is on and the whole fucking room where the table is.
And, second, before demanding an apology from our president, Mr. Ali and the young Egyptians, Tunisians, Libyans, Yemenis, Pakistanis, Afghans and Sudanese who have been taking to the streets might want to look in the mirror — or just turn on their own televisions. They might want to look at the chauvinistic bile that is pumped out by some of their own media — on satellite television stations and Web sites or sold in sidewalk bookstores outside of mosques — insulting Shiites, Jews, Christians, Sufis and anyone else who is not a Sunni, or fundamentalist, Muslim.
It is at this point where you seriously have to wonder whether Mr. Mustache is an adult or an eight-year-old. If you have a deranged lunatic waving a hand grenade, this is not the time to demand that the lunatic apologize first.
Of course, it’s all too easy for Mr. Mustache, from the safety of the Times offices in Manhattan, to throw more fuel on the fire and endanger Americans actually in the Middle East (and not ensconced comfortably in Manhattan as the Great Mustache is) by insisting that the Arabs apologize first. You don’t have to be a very important person with a very important mustache and a sinecure at the New York Times to figure out that this is a time when we put on our big boy pants and try to discourage our own crazies from disseminating inflammatory rhetoric even if their crazies are doing the same thing or worse. That is because the adult thing to do is to think of the safety of our compatriots and not nurse some school yard grudge because the other guy said that Moses molested baby goats or secretly liked bacon. Just because Friedman has the mustache of a sixty-year-old man can’t hide the fact that he thinks like an eight-year-old child
*Here is a link to the column that is not behind the NYT’s paywall
As a law professor, I can state with authority that activities designed to ridicule or harm Muslims cannot under any circumstances be deemed to be a violation of probation.
Poor InstaHick. After almost four years of biting his lip and refraining from saying anything bad about the Muslim Dictator in Chief in the White House, he has now been finally pushed over the edge and has no choice but to call for Obama’s resignation. Press reports indicate that the InstaHick post in question sent shock waves through the White House and that Obama is huddled with his closest advisors determining a possible time frame for his resignation. Reportedly, a “You Won’t Have Barry Obama to Kick Around Anymore” speech is in the works, which Obama is planning to deliver before a helicopter whisks him off the lawn of the White House and back to his real, and soon to be permanent, home in Kenya.
By sending — literally — brownshirted enforcers to engage in — literally — a midnight knock at the door of a man for the non-crime of embarrassing the President of the United States and his administration, President Obama violated [his] oath [of office].
Who knew that Obama — in addition to having all Muslims in the Middle East under his command — also is running the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department? And you might have wondered why Obama, instead of sending his FBI and Secret Service storm troopers and flying monkeys out to round up this guy, decided to use some county sheriffs instead. Well, Glenn tells you that too: because the sheriffs have brown uniforms! They’re brown shirts! Literally!! Apparently when someone suggested to Obama that he send some U.S Marshalls instead of L.A County Sheriffs, Obama became enraged, shouting “I want Brown Shirts,” before goose stepping down the hall while loudly singing the Horst-Wessel-Lied.
You can try to pretty this up (It’s just about possible probation violations! Sure.)
Sure. Don’t they know about the Muslim-bashing exception to probation violations? Don’t they know that this exception prohibits even asking questions about the violation? How can Obama flaunt the law so blatantly?
Of course, no Instahick post would be complete without a “Heh” moment:
And reader Paul Crabtree writes: “Although the midnight raid to punish free speech is beyond deplorable, I guess we should be relieved that the Nobel Prize winner didn’t order a drone strike on his house.” Heh. We probably don’t have to worry about those . . . in the first term.
The best thing that can come of this is that Perfesser InstaCracker will, fearing for his life, take to his roof with his rifle and spend the next four years shooting in the air at the unseen Obama drones coming to snuff him out. Heh.
So you know the “help”? Those meaningless peons who probably make like WAY less than a million dollars a week who roam around invisibly in the background when the grown-up John Galt supermen responsible for the World even existing are talking among themselves?
Yeah, turns out that they have functioning ears… and functioning cameras and may very well rat out your closed doors bitch fest about how the poor are entitled bitches, expecting things like food or basic survival when there are tax cuts needing to be passed and dumbass “independents” needing to be tricked into voting their resentments.
…yeah.
Looks like The Smiler just got Tyler Durdened. It really couldn’t have happened to a more deserving fellow.
He would go to the Applebee’s Salad Bar, but the Gynocracy blew those up when they blew up the global economy with their insidious femaleness.
Bobo Brooks*, The Motherfucking New York Times: Why Men Fail
…
Bobo has always been bad. Bobo has always been stupid. Bobo has always organically harvested his factoids from deep within his large intestines.
But dear Bob in Himmel, I think he’s getting worse. And really, it was entirely predictable. Bobo has always been a conservative affirmative action hire paid obscene wealth to throw a tiny veneer of college-date-rapist psuedo-intellectualism over the most noxious of right-wing beliefs in order to better sell rationalization to irredeemable fucks who need a reason to justify living in actually diverse cities and still fantasize about 50s era social mores with late 1800s economic policies. And now that the conservatives have unleashed their collective ids and begun drawing on the walls in their own feces, David Brooks found his fig leaf of dignity getting smaller and smaller until eventually he was forced to just give in and produce the same authority-worshipping, conspiracy-laden, female-fearing nutjobbery as your average American Genius article.
Don’t believe me?
Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):
The uppity wimminfolk iz stealing er jobs because their flighty vapid whore natures are better adapted to the current Mad Max style economy than genuinely competent world-rulers like teh menz.
Don’t talk to me about alleys and coathangers; bitches who have abortions after we make them illegal deserve what they get.
Another dispatch from the Republican non-war on women comes from Amelia Hamilton, esteemed author of a children’s book explaining to the little tykes, in insipid verse, how the Bill of Rights keeps children safe in their homws by allowing mommy to blow the brains out of anyone who wanders onto the front porch. Amelia, when not crafting rhyming couplets about Jesus and the right to bear arms, is taking on those Godless baby-killing Dems who are getting all whiney about back-alley coat-hanger abortions once the Republican peace pow-wow with women makes all abortion illegal.
Don’t want to risk an unsafe abortion? Don’t have one.
Don’t want to be raped by Uncle Lester? Don’t have an uncle! Don’t want to die in childbirth? Stop fucking!
Fearing perhaps that her argument needs a little more oomph, Amelia wanders off into analogy land, a dangerous territory in Amelia’s case
The argument seems to be that, as women will have abortions anyway, they should be kept legal for safety reasons. Robbery, assault, and domestic violence are some of the top crimes in America. They are all illegal, and they all happen anyway. Should they, therefore, be made legal to keep them safe? We hear stories of people defending their homes or lives from criminal activity in which the criminals end up injured. Surely breaking the law should not be so dangerous!
No, Amelia, this is not like requiring people to give their money to robbers when politely asked to make robbery a safe activity for criminals. The better analogy is that the woman is the one being robbed and you are the one justifying a law that women should not be allowed outside the home and, if they do, well, they deserve to get robbed. The other problem with this dumb-assed analogy is that there are indeed laws that protect criminals. You can’t shoot a robber in the back as he’s walking away from you.
So how bad was the Republican National Convention?
Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):
WAAAAAHHHHHHH! Having conventions is like double Hitler! Can we just retroactively decide we didn’t have one? Or better yet that we didn’t have to have any pretenses to democracy at all? WAAAAAAHHHH!
It’s been what? Less than a week since the Republicans attempted to have their big marketing push for The Smiler and his vat-grown VP candidate? And not even the paid hacks can manage to spin it as anything other than a catastrophe?
Apparently there’s a lot of paid whores for the GOP looking at this upcoming election much like a deer looks into the headlights of an oncoming truck.
‘The closest thing to eternal life is a government program,” Ronald Reagan once said. I suspect that today he might single out the $136 million in taxpayer subsidies that go to the two major parties for their national conventions. Established in the 1970s when people thought conventions might still decide something, the subsidies keep flowing and are even indexed for inflation. They now amount to welfare for corporate and union interests and the political class — providing the infrastructure for wheeling, dealing, and frolicking.
Established in the 1970s. First appearing in 1832 as the replacement for the caucus system. Same thing, right?
Fuck, we’ve had National Conventions longer than we’ve allowed filthy regular people select our presidential candidates. But thanks for dog-whistling Jimmy Carter so loud it made a couple of the racists in the front go deaf.
Few people suggest that the parties should abandon conventions completely, but the subsidies prop up an archaic structure that needs retooling.
Uh huh. We’re not saying that we want a return to the smoky bars where Party Bosses decided the candidates with nary a thought to the electorate. All we’re saying is the current system needs reforms.
You know? The same reforms that Social Security and Medicare need, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
“Some pundits lament the demise of the old conventions,” writes Michael Barone, co-author of The Almanac of American Politics. “But they couldn’t be revived without banning long-distance telephone, the Internet, and jet travel.”
…We could have “old conventions” if we made it impossible for any outside the super rich could possibly attend? That doesn’t even…
To be fair, there’s going to be a lot of that this post. John Superfund jumps around more than a long-jumper with icy-hot-soaked shorts. I think he thinks that this will somehow hide his panicked sobs as he imagines the inevitable comparison of the Democrat’s public-filled stadium convention to their heavily-controlled parade of racists and doddering old white men.
Spoiler alert? It will not.
For most voters, the conventions today are increasingly an anachronism. Only 14 percent of people told pollster Scott Rasmussen that they wanted more than the nightly one hour of prime-time coverage the broadcast networks aired.
What does that even mean?!?
There’s poorly worded poll questions by sketchy organizations and then there’s Dadaist experiments in free-form performance art.
Even with such limited coverage, ratings were down 30 percent or more this year from the 2008 Republican convention. Only one in five unaffiliated voters bothered to tune in for more than a few minutes.
If there was no better sign that the Republican Party needs to shut down the few thin remaining scraps of democracy it allows its constituents, I don’t know what it is.
…Actually, I think that’s his straight up argument here…
In theory, about three-quarters of the taxpayer funding is earmarked for security, but that money is fungible — it makes the two overblown extravaganzas possible. Security for presidents, vice presidents, congressional leaders, and presidential nominees is paid for separately by the Secret Service and is provided wherever those figures go.
Some political players are blowing the whistle and challenging the taxpayer subsidies.
Yes. They are “blowing the whistle” now. Like right this second. It’s almost like they want to prevent something from happening that will happen very soon and the inevitable comparisons it will draw to, say, some not described event where a senile actor ranted at an inanimate chair. Hypothetically speaking.
Cause yeah, arguing that Barack Obama isn’t allowed to campaign against your candidate really is the only hope the Republican Party has left at this point.
The original Smiler may have won against The Beast, but your Smiler is going against black Mr. Rogers. This was never going to be competitive even before you started scoring own goals and testing post-reality campaign styles.
Senator Tom Coburn (R., Okla.), a deficit hawk,
BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Hee hee ho ho ho oh wow. Thanks John, I haven’t laughed that hard in ages.
calls the gatherings “summertime parties” and says having them financially fend for themselves would demonstrate “strong leadership to getting our budget crisis in control.”
Yeah, hands up anyone who thinks he was saying remotely the same thing when Sarah Palin was enjoying her post-convention bump in 2008?
Fuck, hands up anyone who thinks any of these “deficit hawks” gave one fuck about all the “public money” going to party conventions before the Republican Party found a way to invent a negative convention bump?
Yeah, pretty much.
Hey, dickwads! Not televising your failures won’t make it any less apparent that you are a party of old out-of-touch white men bristling in pure rage at the “young ‘uns and niggers destroying the country”.
Exposed to sober analysis, the practice of lavishing taxpayer-funded largesse on convention luminaries cannot be justified when the public is in uproar over abuses such as the General Services Administration’s spending $823,000 on a “team building” meeting in Las Vegas.
Well, yes, people do tend to get a little upset when public money is used to pay for someone’s public bender and prostitute bill.
Your point?
Cause from here, all I’m hearing is:
“WE PAID HOW MUCH FOR CLINT EASTWOOD TO BECOME A NATIONAL JOKE?!? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH US!”
And let’s be honest. That’s pretty much the take-home message from that paragraph.
Indeed, it appears that conventions are slowly shrinking in length — if only because of intervention from Mother Nature.
Whoa, whoa. Hold up there, Sally.
Are you seriously, seriously using a single data-point to argue a trend?
Yes, this current Republican National Convention was delayed a day because some dipshit forgot that it’s Hurricane Season in Florida. But that’s not a trend. That’s just a regular old fuckup.
Much like these concern troll arguments against conventions. If they last to next presidential election, I’ll be shocked. Fuck, I’ll be shocked if they last longer than the Democratic National Convention.
In 2008, Representative David Dreier of California, the Republican convention’s parliamentarian, developed an alternate plan under which all the legally required business at that year’s convention in St. Paul, Minn., could be conducted in a few hours in the event that the delegates and officials from the Gulf Coast had to go home to deal with Hurricane Gustav. This year, Democrats will conduct their business in three days instead of four. Republicans in Tampa found they could chop off a day from their schedule of activities with hardly anyone’s noticing.
Some politicians say conventions would shrink even more were it not for the government subsidy.
Government shrinking til’ we drown it in the bathtub, blah blah, growing fat on the public money teat…
I’m sorry, but is there an inebriated ape on the planet that doesn’t find this crap transparently pathetic? Conventions are each party’s attempt to “put on their best face” before the election season turns into the final sprint. Most of the money spent on the “spectacle” comes from the same handful of rich fuckers it usually does.
Again, no one gave a fuck about the miniscule drop in the bucket that was the legal public funding for conventions (mostly in place to give third parties the illusion of being legitimate contenders in the election) before the Republican Party spent who knows how many millions of dollars reminding everyone why the GOP is literally that crazy uncle you avoid at Thanksgiving.
“The staging overshadows the politics,” Senator Ron Johnson (R., Wis.) told a group of National Review editors last week
Yes, the party whose convention strategy consisted of seeing if a campaign strategy entirely composed of disconnected market-tested buzzwords could work is suddenly complaining about “staging overshadowing politics”.
But not because the strategy failed or because they want to set up an argument that Obama having a convention is proof he’s a demon-possessed Kenyan Marxist from Mars.
No no no!
They are just deeply, deeply concerned about the important political issues of the day being glossed over.
Like women’s rights and all the politicians arguing against them… eyah, i mean, ooh, maybe the current Great Depression and how the Republicans have been deliberately making things worse to help their 2012 chanceeeeee. Bad example. Maybe… no, not that, that’s right out…
No no, we’ll come up with something. Promise. Probably about November 7th or so. But in the meantime, we just wanted you to know how deeply deeply concerned we are about this… since about 4 days ago.
Count House Speaker John Boehner as another skeptic: “These are very expensive propositions to put on,” he told a group of reporters at a Christian Science Monitor lunch last week. He predicted that both Republicans and Democrats “will assess whether this type of convention is worth the tremendous resources put into it.”
I’ll go further: Whoever is elected president this November will have to go through such stringent belt-tightening when it comes to discretionary budget items that the convention subsidy will land on the chopping block. Any political party that dares to oppose getting rid of the subsidy will be in the crosshairs of voters.
So maybe Reagan will be proved wrong after all and the convention subsidy won’t be eternal. All of us will then discover that the two major parties and their allies can pay for whatever kind of convention makes sense to them without taxpayers having to foot much of the bill. Indeed, that’s just the way it was done from the time when the first convention was held — in 1832 to nominate Andrew Jackson — right up through the 1970s.
Oh now you remember that conventions have been around for nearly 200 years. Shame that the first one wasn’t Andrew Jackson, but was actually for the “Anti-Masonic Party”. But hey, why bother subjecting yourself to the strenuous task of looking something up on Wikipedia when you’ve got a page of full-bore concern troll and bullshit faux-deficit-hawkery to shove onto the tubes.
Don’t worry, though, the desperate half-remembered inaccurate factoid thrown on the end doesn’t at all ruin the delicious tang of your hyperventilating crying jag.
Oh but that this were but the beginning of a long dark winter for the 27% as they languish in obscurity never to fuck over our country or our planet again…
I scarce dare dream.
In the meantime however, let me tip the lemon juice all over their self-inflicted wounds.
I know. I know you are really really pants-shittingly terrified about how you’re going to make The Smiler look like a Regular Joe when he can’t even pretend to act like a plebian millionaire, but really? Really?!? Ripping off Soviet propaganda?!?!?
I was struggling. Legitimately struggling to find a way to make the RNC clusterfuck funny. There was material, yes. There was the complete abandonment of even pretending to give a fuck about reality by the Smiler’s vat-grown VP candidate. The Smiler reminding the base that he’s not above grabbing that Birther chicken and fucking it for all its worth now that the Republican Party is officially down to old white male racists. Chris Christie throwing his hat into the 2016 race.
And let’s not forget the supposed best face of the Republican Party being unable to go 5 fucking minutes in the presence of a black person without throwing food at them and saying “This is how we feed animals”.
But how to summarize the whole affair? Make it funny? Well…
It turns out I didn’t need to. Clint Eastwood did it for me. Thank you Clint, your Kaufman-esque performance truly captured the spirit of the RNC:
An old man suffering from dementia, unsure of where he is or what he’s doing.
That’s right! Twooooo horrible National Review posts in one go.
So apparently, National Review occasionally does this “point/counterpoint” thing from time to time but not really in the way you or I or any human being might.
Allow me to explain with a double shorter.
Shorter 1 (the pitch):
It’s actually the country of Norway and not the crazed terrorist we unleashed upon them who doesn’t value the lives of filthy brown people! Because Norway doesn’t understand that killing the murderer of said brown people, in violation to their ethics, magically brings said dead brown kids back to life.
Shorter 2 (self strangulation with one’s own bat):
How dare you, SIR! Those slaughtered were not “filthy brown people” but rather filthy brown-people-loving WHITE people who rightly deserved their slaughter for not enforcing racial purity. Oh and yes, Norway should have totally slaughtered Breivik. That would have been totally hot.
As a true-blooded American, I can tell you that Obama is not really American
Dinesh D’Souza, arguably the ugliest person alive, has still not earned enough in wingnut welfare to get his ears tucked so that he doesn’t bear an unsettling resemblance to the offspring of an unholy coupling between Dumbo and Ganesh, an unfortunate fact not solved by the fact that his name is a contraction of his two apparent parents. But now that his ugly mug is plastered all over American cineplexes, we’ve shortered an article in Forbes from two years ago where Dinesh mounted his favorite hobby horse that has now been made into a feature length, er, movie. The hobby horse, as you may know, is that Obama is, somehow, not really an American but instead some transnational Maoist Mau Mau-ist motivated solely by a hatred of anti-colonialism. This leads him to govern the country according to secret messages he receives from his dead father and various other departed souls such as Leon Trotsky, Frantz Fanon and, of course, the Prophet Mohammed.
But we have been blinded to his real agenda because, across the political spectrum, we all seek to fit him into some version of American history. In the process, we ignore Obama’s own history. Here is a man who spent his formative years–the first 17 years of his life–off the American mainland, in Hawaii, Indonesia and Pakistan, with multiple subsequent journeys to Africa.
Now after you stop snickering that Mr. More American Than George Washington Himself apparently thinks that Hawaii is some kind of foreign country, let’s mosey over to Wikipedia and see what Mr. D’Souza did for his first 17 years. I am assuming, of course, that for those first 17 years young Dinesh memorized the Constitution, made pocket-money by selling American flags that he hand stitched in his own basement while listening to baseball games, and won numerous awards each year in essay contests where he submitted essays named, variously, “Why I Am Proud To Be an American,” “What The Founding Fathers Mean To Me,” “America, Not Europe, Invented Hamburgers,” and “Why The Star-Spangled Banner Always Brings Tears to My Eyes.”
D’Souza was born in Mumbai, Maharashtra, India, [in 1961] to Goan Catholic parents from the state of Goa in Western India.[17] He arrived in the United States in 1978.
Holy Bat, Shitman! Unless Maharashtra has become the 51st state, Dinesh spent his first 17 years eating biryani, not burgers, playing cricket, not baseball, tipping sacred cows not dairy cows, and listening to Usha Uthup, not Elvis. And now he gets to decide who is really American and who isn’t? That’s rather like letting Mitt Romney decide which is the best macaroni and cheese that comes in a box.
What I’m saying is that she’s not particularly bright. So her weighing in on Suicide Cliff Number 3,000,817 for the Republican Party (otherwise known as Todd Akin) was bound to be embarrassing at best.
Yeah… this wasn’t exactly “at best”.
Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):
It is perfectly reasonable to think that women are ducks and that men can produce male heirs purely by having manlier sperm.
So if you haven’t yet heard of Todd Akin before this post, you’ve apparently been living happily under a rock for the last couple of days or so.
Todd Akin is the Republican nominee competing for Clare McCaskill’s (RpretendingtobeaD-Missouri) seat in the US Senate.
And in the twist ending to surpass all twist endings, it turns out Akin… is a douchebag! Despite being a conservative anti-choicer!
I know, I was just as blown away as you. Since this is an election season and the Republicans are starting to worry about needing little things like actual voters to win elections, he’s actually gotten a decent amount of pushback from the Republican Party*****. And since in conservaland, there is literally no inhuman action you can commit or inhuman statement you can vomit forth that won’t be applauded by the 27%, he’s gotten a resurgence of support from some of the most… “special” of sources.
Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):
Saying that rape victims who get pregnant from their rapists must have wanted to be raped is not nearly as bad as showing up to a gay wedding.
Recent robot transplant seeking female DHS head to fantasize about constantly. Must be into humiliation play, spurious accusations, and blonde robot clones. Must be attracted to closet cases who are jealous of every single woman you come into contact with.
Debbie Schlussel’s website depresses me. And it’s not because her ideas give off the distinctive odor of meth addiction and untreated mental health issues. It’s more the promotion picture in her banner.
I mean, say this about the Schlussinator, but she’s always had her own personal aesthetic. A charmingly home-grown rust belt look that combines all the dim blandness of the midwest with the frostbite-induced insanity of a Canadian border dweller. Unlike all the usual tight-lipped fembots built to recite right-wing talking points for lonely dodecagenarians, she looked like something that might very well be brewed at home. In the exact way that one can make moonshine in their bathtub with much the same frightening results.
So imagine my disappointment when I look to her banner and see her photoshopped or plastic surgeried into the same tight-lipped soulless robotic smile and waxen face of every other Fox News fembot.
Seriously, what the fuck right wing?
You’re right, I’ve delayed long enough, let’s get to the “meat” of today’s post.
Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):
In the Department of Homeland Security, Straight Men are the Jews of Implied Lesbian Fascism.
Shorter Kevin D. Williamson, America’s Shittiest Website™ Like A Boss
Romney should be President because his only offspring are male, unlike that fag Obama who has sperm that smells like Chanel No. 5 and can only sire daughters.
Once again, Sadly, No! fave Jeannie DeAngelis reaches into her tried tired and true playbook, which basically involves taking some human interest news story about Barack and, preferably, Michelle, and then finding some sinister implication to wave about like a catfish noodled up from a goldfish pond. If Jeannie sees a story about Barack taking a stroll in the Rose Garden she will quickly see that the walk is probably meant to send secret messages to Muslim spy satellites. You know, the semicircular path he took on his walk is in fact a secret transmission into space of the nuclear codes so that the Kenyan Muslim army can march down Pennsylvania Avenue and threaten to blow us all up unless we adopt Sharia law, ban pork and burn all our Bibles.
Jeannie has now focused her conspiratorial attentions on a lunch for school kids in the White House which Jeannie treats with an outrage that would be more appropriate if they had been invited over for a session of crack smoking and butt sex instead of being asked over for a lunch of sandwiches and kale chips. The first sign to Jeannie of the sinister intent of the White House lunch, attended by children who had come up with prize-winning healthy recipes, was the suspicious ingredients in the food served to the culinary tykes: kale, cabbage and black beans. No, seriously, kale, cabbage and black beans. You’d have thought she was talking about serving the kids dog feces and mouse testicles with an antifreeze foam. Of course, these shocking ingredients were explicitly selected by the evil Michelle Obama to make the kids fart, perhaps an effort to get them primed up for some after-lunch butt sex and Koran readings with Obama.
After being greeted with a kale appetizer, 54 guests/contest winners were served “Yummy Cabbage Sloppy Joes,” baked zucchini “fries,” and a salad of quinoa, black beans and corn.
Overflowing with 8- to 12 year olds, the East Room probably smelled more like the cafeteria at PS 131 than the White House. And from the list of ingredients in some of the recipes, it sounded as if the level of hydrogen sulfide is what decided the winners. Moreover, what, pray tell, did the kiddies get in the goody bag — Beano?
Good grief. Jeannie projects her own digestive problems with vegetables onto the world at large and assumes that the White House is involved in some sinister gas-passing plot by feeding kids kale. Kale doesn’t make me fart. Even my dog likes kale chips. They don’t make her fart either. Kale chips are awesome.
Having got the fart quotient off her chest, Jeannie now moves on to the President’s appearance at the kid lunch and the outrageous things he said to the kids there — namely, gasp, don’t feed Bo. How dare he?
Obama politely said, “I only have one request for you, and that is try not to drop any scraps on the floor, because Bo is on a diet right now, and he will eat anything that he sees, especially some of the tasty meals that you guys have prepared.”
Instead of telling the children the dog is on a diet, for the health and well-being of the first family Obama should have told the kids to resist passing off their Cabbage Sloppy Joes to Bo under the table. Moreover, based on what was on the menu, the President cautioning against spills may have been a polite way to ask the children to refrain from purposely dumping their plates and grinding the food into the rug.
As usual, this all a no-win situation. If Michelle had served up some all American delicacy that would have met with Jeannie’s culinary approval, say, grilled cheese sandwiches and potato chips, Jeannie would have played the hypocrisy card instead of the yucky fart-producing card. Michelle claims to eat healthy food, but, blah blah blah.
One final point needs to be made. Doesn’t someone at the American Thinker realize that they have lost any claim that they might ever have had to being, you know, all thinker-like and smart and stuff by running a post on farts?
Creating a concentration camp in the Arizona desert, murdering a black kid on the sidewalk, kidnapping kids. It really is amazing what you can get away with if you are conservative.
Imagine if you will that you are the head of the SPLC-identified hate group known as the American Family Association.
Grinch like, you have paid witness to the Queers down in Queerville with their legalized sodomy, civil unions, and have fumed and steamed at how your attempts to steal their Christmas hasn’t stopped it from coming. Worse yet, those queers seem to get merrier and marriedier every year. With more rights and more social acceptance.
So one day back in 2002 or so, you get an idea. An awful idea. A wonderful, awful idea.
You’ll take a queer with their union so civil and you’ll manipulate their depression and abused past by making her into an ex-gay martyr so sacrificial. Read the rest of this entry »
