This is odd: in a four-minute segment on our hero baker lady who simply does not care to sell her sticky treats to those gross food stamp families, fully two separate people bring up the Civil Rights Act and how shop owners may not discriminate against entire classes of people! Huh. Weird. But never fear, others step into the breach to remind us that shop owners have a right of association (as, of course, does the farmer’s market that wanted the baker lady to participate in their EBT-accepting token system in the first place), and that sometimes people on welfare buy cigarettes and tattoos, and that states are looking into that … somehow. (Obviously, Poors are not buying tattoos or cigarettes with their food stamps, but somehow the state will ensure that they never use Money to purchase legal products that the state finds gauche.) Anyway, the whole thing ends as it should, with some man person intoning, “What a shame that we’ve erased ‘shame’ from society. Why can’t we make someone embarrassed for living off others?” READ MORE »
Kick A Poor With ‘Forbes On Fox’!
We Think We Can All Agree 83-Year-Old Ladies Can Spit On Whomever They Like
We are quite sure that we are supposed to be very ANGRY at this 83-year-old lady for Crimes Against Civility (spitting in the face of a Woman for Romney). “Why are you against Planned Parenthood?” the old lady asks. “Women are in need…” The rest of her plaintive statement is drowned out by broads trying to shut her up, until she cold hocks a loogie in the face of the lady next to her. READ MORE »
Pat Robertson: Don’t Touch That Orphan, You Don’t Know Where It’s Been
National comedic treasure Pat Robertson has once again allowed words to come out of his face, triggering a Severe WTF Warning from the National Surrealism Agency. On a segment of his 700 Club television program, Robertson and co-host Kristi Watts were doing a Dear Abby style thing, giving people the same sort of smart, well-grounded advice that has become a Pat Robertson trademark.
In response to a woman’s question about why men don’t want to keep dating her when they find out that she has three adopted children from different countries, Watts began to say that it was because the men “are dogs … That’s just wrong on every level.” Then Robertson jumped in, gently correcting the poor misguided lady, because what does she know, being a woman and all? “No, it’s not wrong. A man doesn’t want to take on the United Nations, and this woman’s got all these various children and blended family. What is it?” Exactly! What is it? It’s just a big old mess of different colors and face shapes that will NEVER look right on a Christmas card, is what it is, and by the time the lady has finished explaining what each ungodly kid is, most menfolk will have lost interest. Besides, Jesus never said anything about taking in strangers or anything like that, now did he? READ MORE »
Totally Not Gay Andrew Shirvell Ordered To Pay $4.5 Million For Heterosexually Stalking Gay College Student
Lispy former Michigan Assistant Attorney General Andrew Shirvell, who is absolutely not gay, will have to pay $4.5 million in damages just because he stalked, harassed, and obsessively chronicled the private life of former University of Michigan student body president Chris Armstrong (Gay-Go Blue!).
Naturally, he plans to appeal the verdict. Shirvell isn’t going to just lie there and take this punishment like some sissy bottom.
“It’s absolutely, 100% outrageous,” he told the Free Press. “It’s way excessive.
“The whole case is about politics. Every conservative Christian in the nation should be scared from this. This is the radical homosexual lobby trying to make an example out of me. Every conservative Christian in the nation should know that they are going to come after you if you object to their lifestyle, that they are going to crucify you in the public arena.”
The crucifixion is a metaphor Shirvell goes back to quite a bit. How Jesus was beaten and abused, his taut body stripped naked and left hanging on the cross… READ MORE »
The State Department Now Responding To ‘HILLARY VP???” Questions With Poetry
The very serious “DUMP BIDEN 4 HILLARY?” speculation that our pal Ed Henry questioned the White House press secretary about yesterday got a real kick today when author Ed Klein, who’s right up there with World Net Daily in terms of credibility, reported (/talked to his own butt) that Hillary Clinton rejected the vice presidency two weeks ago. The Weekly Standard went seeking confirmation and got a nice little poem from one of Clinton’s aides in response. READ MORE »
Paul Ryan So Mad Obama Didn’t Save GM Plant That Closed Under Bush
Listen: Paul Ryan has come unstuck in time.
Paul Ryan has gone to sleep writing letters to support Wisconsin stimulus spending in 2010 and awakened voting against the stimulus in 2009, and then turned a corner into 2012 and announced “No, I never asked for stimulus.” He has walked through a door in 2010 carrying a budget proposal that would destroy Medicare and come out another one in 2012 holding hands with a man who insists that Barack Obama is the guy who wants to destroy Medicare. He has seen his position on earmarks evolve many times, he says, and pays random visits to all the events in between.
Now Paul Ryan is blaming Barack Obama for the closing of a GM plant in Janesville, Wisconsin. The factory closed two months before Obama became president. READ MORE »
Wasilla Gentleman Almost Definitely Wouldn’t Lock Disabled Children In The Attic
Wasilla, Alaska, city councilman and state House candidate Mark Ewing is sorry, but if nobody else is going to make the tough choices, he will be the one to stand up and say it: Stop wasting tax money sending disabled kids to school! “We are spending millions and millions of dollars educating children that have a hard time making their wheelchair move,” he said in a candidates’ debate, “and, I’m sorry, but you’ve got to say, ‘no’ somewhere. We need to educate our children, but there are certain individuals that are just not going to benefit from an education.” Sorry, special needs children, it is time for you to go back to being chained in your parents’ attic like God and horror novellas intended! So Ewing said that, and then the newspaper quoted him and was all “OMG WTF LOLZ” and then Ewing was all FUCK YEAH I said it, PC POLICE!, but then he said, no wait a minute they misquoted me, because “liar.” But now Ewing is realizing (maybe?) that oh right, he did say that, he just misspoke. READ MORE »
Listen Up As Karl Rove Explains Why Seniors Will Flock To GOP To Kill Medicare For Them
Who among you supposed — nay, dreamed — way back in 2008 that Karl Rove, having completed his task of gifting George W. Bush to America, would take his balls and go home and stop messing around with democracy? Well, we hate to be the bearers of bad news, but not only does he have a $200,000,000 SuperPac to screw around with, he’s also been going on the Sunday morning yap shows to talk about Bush’s “accomplishments” and writing op-eds for the Wall Street Journal that misquote Bill Clinton. Now he’s back with ANOTHER op-ed, also in the Wall Street Journal, this one focusing on the fact that the GOP has a “Medicare advantage” over the Democrats. And surprise surprise, this one is as poorly sourced and given to hyperbole and obfuscation as the last one. But it’s Karl Rove, leader of the GOP Hive Mind, so we figure we should pay attention!
‘Fox & Friends’ Investigates the ‘Lesbian Cabal’ Running DHS
Pretty light day on Fox News’ illiterate dementia variety hour, Fox & Friends; the muppet crew, plus Geraldo, only entertained questions about one federal department being run by a “lesbian cabal.” Let’s up the game a bit for Monday, Fox & Friends? READ MORE »
Secret Service Denies Existence of Any So-Called ‘Cupcake Mutiny’
Yesterday we examined a blind quote, as reported by a local Virginia TV station, about how the Secret Service agents working for Joe Biden “thanked” bakery owner Chris McMurray for rejecting a visit form the the vice president and “standing up” to the evil Obama campaign Chicago-style photo-op machine’s YOU DIDN’T BAKE THAT juggernaut of shame. It wouldn’t have been too shocking if a Secret Service agent got carried away in some form — hummina hummina! — but it also would have been a very risky career move to be politicking on the job like that. Our best guess was that the agents bought cookies and stuff from the baker as a common move to thank them for the inconvenience. And also because they wanted cookies and stuff. A Secret Service spokesperson has now offered comment saying, yeah, what the Wonkette blog said. (Paraphrase.) READ MORE »
Obama Must Hold Another Hip-Hop Barbecue After Mispronouncing Rap-Man’s Name
Barack Obama, the president of black America (AND BLACK AMERICA ONLY) did an interview with a New Mexico radio station today, which was probably a secret message to Mexican drug cartels because of the radio waves. In the over six-minute interview, President Obama and the hosts of the show explore the full range of banal topics, from New Mexico food to good soul food spots in Chicago (because, yeah) to Obama’s wish to own all the Rosetta Stone tapes, to a question about the kind of music Barack Obama listens to.
And that is where this whole awful thing went off the rails.
However, when asked about his favorite pop music, Obama responded, “Jay-Z, Beyonce, you know, Nas.” Despite correctly pronouncing Jay-Z and Beyonce, Obama completely mispronounced Nas. The correct pronunciation for Nas is na:z, not n:ass.
Nas has been an ardent supporter of the president, even recording the song“Black President,” which sampled from Obama’s Iowa caucus victory speech.
Business Booming For Hero Baker Who Tells Gross Food Stamp Families To Beat It
Welfare. Isn’t it gross? Especially food stamps — pardon us, “EBT benefits” — where gadabouts just gad about all day, and then expect “society” to make sure their children don’t starve in the gutter. We are sorry, but we don’t think ur-American prophetess Ayn Rand would have had much good to say on the topic! At any rate, news comes from Boston that an American hero has put her foot down regarding accepting EBT benefits for her “sticky treats” at a farmers market where she has a stall! And when the news of this principled stand to not let jerk welfare people have pastries sped around the internets, the same large flock of right-thinking fascists — who mobbed first Chick-fil-A and then the idiot who wouldn’t let Joe Biden buy a cupcake — have been keeping this lady’s bakery full to bursting ever since. If you discriminate against queers, Poors, and Bidens, they will come! READ MORE »
Hero Gov Jan Brewer Protects Arizona From Scourge Of DREAM Act Kids Getting Drivers Licenses
Well HI Arizona, what are you doing to be the greatest state in the union today? In one corner, we have Louisiana, which allows your child to learn about the Loch Ness monster in science class (except if your child is Islamic, and thus doesn’t deserve to learn about the Loch Ness monster), and in another corner, we have Mississippi, which jails children in order to keep them safe from themselves. But in THIS corner, we have Arizona, whose governor signed an executive order on Wednesday protecting DMV employees from teen Messicans. Winner winner chicken dinner?
Study: CEOs and Incorporated Americans Sure Benefiting From Tax Code They Wrote
Look, you guys, the Romneys WANT to release more tax returns to you people, but if they do, guess what will happen? We can tell you EXACTLY what will happen: a think tank — maybe even a progressive one — will look at the tax returns and then they’ll be all “blah blah, the Romneys paid a lower tax rate than people who make around $40,000 per year” or “blah blah, here is what is up with ‘Mitt’s Magical IRA’” etc etc, and this would be unacceptable, because it is Mitt’s Time. We know this because a “liberal-leaning think tank” released a study claiming that 26 big Incorporated Americans didn’t pay federal taxes and (maybe) used the money to pay CEOs and then sent the rest of the massive sums of money on lavish vacations to the Cayman Islands. See? Transparency just gave them all kinds of ammunition, and we wouldn’t want that, would we? No. We wouldn’t.
Ed Henry Asks The Dumbest Question in American History
Fox News White House Correspondent Ed Henry has already written the worst article in American history, so why not throw the dumbest question in American history onto his resume as well? THE BACKGROUND: There has been all sorts of Hot Buzz (John McCain has been babbling during one of his Ambien trips) about whether Joe Biden will be dropped from the ticket after saying the words “chains.” So here’s what Ed Henry asked Jay Carney at Thursday’s White House press conference: “Let’s just settle it, once and for all, all of this speculation — this is the ticket, Obama/Biden?” READ MORE »
